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General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 27, 2011, 01:28:47 PM

Title: Angry with my Mother
Post by: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 27, 2011, 01:28:47 PM
Hello,

So happy to have stumbled upon this site, although I think I'm on the flip side of most of these topics.  Any advice is welcome on the following situation.

I was abandoned by my biological mother at 10 months and adopted at 14 months.  I was adopted by a family that was rejected their first adoption attempt because they considered my mother to be too cold.  She is cold and unaffectionate.  My father is a recovering alcoholic who is also horribly verbally and mentally abusive.  I am the youngest (34) and I have two older brothers who were also adopted.  I remember crying myself to sleep many nights as a child, in total silence fearing I would be caught, rocking back and forth saying "I hate myself, I wish I would just die".  My father is loud, tall, overweight, irate 90% of the time and constantly criticized me, denigrated me, shamed me and told me I was stupid every day of my life.  He would scream at me and vehemently ask, "How can you be so stupid?!" He would make a popping noise every time I spoke saying, "Pull your head out of your rear".  My mother never played with me, laughed with me, tickled me or complimented me.  Nor did she protect me from my father or pull me aside and reassure me that I was not stupid or that anything he said or did that was cruel was unwarranted. 

I have suffered from a major anxiety disorder and panic attacks since I was 18.  I am extremely uncomfortable around people most of the time.  Apparently that is quite normal for individuals who were chronically abused along with a litany of other psychosomatic symptoms. I've done a great deal of research on psychology and have spent many years in therapy. Life has not been a very happy journey.

Last x-mas, my mother forcefully dragged my 3 year old daughter into the kitchen at my aunt's house because she had chocolate on her face and was trying on a new dress.  My daughter didn't see it coming and started crying because she was startled and because my mom grabbed her so hard.  My father started mocking her crying in his typical nasty fashion and threatened to give her a bare-fanny-spanking.  I hit the roof, and went off on him screaming at him not to treat a child that way.  I pitched an enormous fit and was outraged.  Its bad enough he destroyed any sense of self for me.  I won't allow him to treat my precious little girl that way.  My brother went off on me and told me to "get out".  My other brother called me days later and left a voicemail saying he was no longer my brother and that I was not welcome in his home.  He proceeded to say, "we all know how you are to your mother."  I have no idea what he was talking about.  I have been very self destructive, but I don't believe I have ever been like that to my mother.  I never received an apology from either my mother or my father for how they treated my daughter on x-mas. 

A few months past that I had a bit of a breakdown and brought up the fact that my brother molested me as a child.  He is seven years my senior, which does constitute as sexual abuse.  My mother and I got together once since x-mas for lunch (without my daughter), and she told me she doesn't believe her son would have done that.  I was not invited to Easter, not that I would have gone. 

I called my father on Father's Day to wish him well and he defended my mom and called me a liar about what happened on x-mas and then hung up on me.  My mother has sent two letters about the weather and their trip north as though nothing ever happened.  I am guilt ridden every day that goes by about not responding to her.  In my heart, I cannot have a relationship with someone who thinks I would make up an atrocity such as sexual abuse.  It shows how little she thinks of me.  Her blatant disregard on the matter is nearly as hurtful as the acts themselves.

I can't allow them to see my daughter.  My father has screamed at her twice to the point of hyperventilating.  Seeing that validated my memories of my childhood and why I feel the way I do about myself today.  I know what he did was wrong, and that his abuse was just that.  Even so, it doesn't hurt any less.

To anyone who might read this, I wish you the best in your relationships and hope you find resolve.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Doe on September 27, 2011, 01:44:34 PM
You are so right in not allowing them to see your daughter.  Now, how about not allowing them to see you?

I think you should get yourself as far away as you can from these people.  Tell your new friends they all died in a fiery car crash.  Don't look back! 
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 27, 2011, 02:07:22 PM
Thank you, Doe, your support is so very much appreciated.  I think I will tell my new friends they perished as you said!  I got a good laugh at that!
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: pam1 on September 27, 2011, 02:10:51 PM
Welcome wouldratherbeincolorado :)

Your instincts are spot on -- stay far, far away from them.  I think the guilt may be tough but make yourself remember it's not your fault.  I've even heard of writing a list so that when the guilt is overwhelming you can go back and read it and sorta justify in your mind you did the right thing.

When you get a chance please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so, you might notice that I also edited a couple words out of your post.  I realize you're just repeating what was said to you and I'm very sorry that happened (how terrible of them!) but we do not allow it here.

Welcome again
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 27, 2011, 02:18:03 PM
Hi Pam, and thank you.  My apologies for the profanity - won't happen again.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: lancaster lady on September 27, 2011, 02:44:41 PM
hello Would ............
I think to expose your daughter to the same abuse as you experienced as a child would be madness .
Even to have adults shouting in her face fills me with horror !
She is your top priority now and must come first .
Guard her with your life and stay clear of that family .
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: sesamejane on September 27, 2011, 09:48:41 PM
Dearest Would...
I can identify with your post so much.  I came from an abusive background, different story than yours, but yet the same.  I suffered sexual, physical, and emotional abuse.  I received no support, with the exception of my grandparents who lived in another country.  My mother was a sociopath who had many marriages to men who came after me, and my father, also had many marriages with women who were abusive.  Pop just drank alcohol and was "absent."  I spent many many years trying to have relationships with these people.  I too had an anxiety disorder, still do.  It's called PTSD.  When I was younger, I suffered agoraphobia with it and panic attacks.  I learned to work through the panic with relaxation techniques when I was about 23, and I am now 58.  I overcame this history slowly, made many mistakes, but the best progress I made as I look back, was when I disconnected from these crazy, mean people.  I spent 15 years away from them, married to a man who replicated the abuse in my home, but I was older, made friends, educated myself, loved and protected my children...and now?  I am so much happier and have a full life with people who care about me.  My regrets?  Only the time I wasted trying to love people who were not capable of it.  Trying to get approval from people who have no values.  Trying to "fix" them or the latest crazy situation when I have or had no control over them.  Most of them are dead now, and I don't miss them one bit.

Get away, get far away, stay away.  LOve and protect your children and make a life for yourself.  Just do your best and hang around people who likewise are just trying to do their best and who support you and love you and treat you with respect and dignity.  I love you Would....
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Scoop on September 28, 2011, 05:33:48 AM
Colorado, keep your chin up.  You're doing the right thing, for your DD's sake.  I agree that you should also protect yourself from them.

Go back and read your message objectively, as if someone else wrote it.  What would you tell them?  Does your family really sound like the type of club you want to join?

Some families have a "black sheep" but it sounds like you have the chance to be a "white sheep" within a family of "black sheep".

Think of how you feel about your own DD.  That's how they *should* feel about you.  They obviously don't.  They obviously have their own issues to deal with.  And unfortunately, you can't fix them, you can only work on yourself.  They were given a precious gift when they got you, but they squandered it.  Stay away from them, they are dangerous to your self-esteem, you owe them NOTHING.

Take care of your DD and yourself!
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: elizabeth on September 28, 2011, 07:35:26 AM
Dear wouldratherbeincolorado,

I can relate to a lot that you wrote. All the posts on this thread from women who have experienced the same or similar to you have good information and loving and wise support.

I like the idea of writting down what actually happened, because after I was finally able to shake loose my attachment to 'going back for more' I found that in months, and again after a few years, I would get haunted by thoughts of guilt that I hadn't done enough or that somehow I had got it all wrong.

Its a funny sort of survival thing isn't it? I mean that we can't keep all the awful things that happened to us in our minds for a very long time. Its good on the one hand, because we need to be free to be happy without all that stuff constantly in our minds, but also its sort of wierd because once in a while we can be brought down by guilt and saddness and have to remember a little so as to remind us of why we did all that to get free and be safe.

You have worked hard to become healed from what happened to you as a child, that is so wonderful, and now you are going to do everything you can to guard your child from anything you had to go through. I'm happy that you found this site and want all the best for you and your daughter's future.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 28, 2011, 07:45:52 AM
I am so grateful to you all for your support.  I've not been able to see clearly or have any clarity on this subject until now.  You are all so very right.  I need to leave them be.  It is pathetic to know my mother puts up with my father's abuse as she does.  She says that's just the way he is.  She just rolls over and takes it.  I can't take it anymore and I won't allow my daughter to be affected. 

SesameJane, I'm so sorry to hear about how your family was to you.  No one deserves to be raised that way unless you're Hitler reincarnate. Even still, a child knows no better and can't defend themselves.  It is PTSD as you said.  I read a book by a brilliant psychiatrist, Judith Herman M.D., entitled "Trauma and Recovery", in which she coins the term "complex post traumatic disorder" as a result of chronic child abuse or political terror.  The book is a bit weighty and was written for clinicians, but it is worth the read.  I only wish she wrote more on the recovery section.  I'm more than thrilled to hear that you overcame your anxiety issues.  I don't believe I can overcome mine.  I hope for it, but each day is a chore.  I lost my job in March, can't for the life of me find another.  I was a marine cargo underwriter and spent 10 years in this small niche industry and now have no skills in any other industry.  My two closest friends went off on me and left me because I didn't text them enough or go over to their house enough.  I'm a recluse and I don't understand why they couldn't just understand that.  I do what I can.  They knew who I was.  I have a daughter and a boyfriend with whom I live.  I go to school.  Now I do want friends, but I don't want to be treated that way again.  I've lost my family (which is a good thing), but if I look at my life now, I've managed to lose everything.  I feel lost, worthless and confused. I want friends, but at the same time, I don't want to socialize with anyone.  Because I'm unemployed I have no insurance and can't afford to see my psychiatrist for my xanax prescription. Which helps me when I have to socialize with people.  Geez I sound like a basket case! 

On a positive note, I have just started meditating again and that seems to be helpful.  I am also very into my art and maybe I can find a way to make a living at being creative.  Stranger things have happened, I suppose....

Scoop - thank you as well for your in put.  It means the world to me.  I reread my post as though my daughter wrote it and it is very painful to read it that way.  Excellent point!  I will disconnect from them.  I have no doubt in my mind now that that is the only course of action in hopes of protecting my daughter and myself.  They are a family of black sheep and I don't understand why they can't see things as they are.  Not my problem any longer, I guess. 

Is it terrible to say I will miss my portion of my parents' will?
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: pam1 on September 28, 2011, 07:53:12 AM
(((wouldratherbeincolorado)))  One day at a time, you'll get there.  You've already taken the hardest step, it'll just keep getting easier. 

Since you're unemployed can you not ask for help from the state or county?  I think they should be able to help you in some way.

About your portion of the will, I think in time you'll realize that the gift of not being subjected to abuse is worth so much more than money.  In my DHs FOO, the kids were sort of programmed to accept abusive or bad behavior b/c if they do, they'll get a lot of treats.  I think my DH finds life so much more enjoyable now that trinkets aren't the carrot they dangle in front of him.  I'm not sure they will cut DH out of their will, image is very important to his parents and that would ruin MILs martyr image, but we've already got a deal that anything they do give to him is going to the animal shelter. 
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Doe on September 28, 2011, 08:09:45 AM
CO - I agree with Pam about the will.   You don't know what they are going to do with that money anyway.
Maybe they would have spent it all anyway or given it away to someone outside the family.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 28, 2011, 08:13:38 AM
Pam, such truth, such truth. No amount of money is worth abuse and feeling awful about yourself when you've done nothing wrong.  I'm happy to hear your DH is enjoying life and your decision to give back to what you believe in supporting is magnanimous.  Extremely honorable in my humble opinion. 

My daughter is on All Kids and I pay a nominal premium and am so grateful for that.  I am not eligible for state or government aid due to unemployment compensation.  I was referred to a doctor that prescribes xanax to my former mother in-law (who I love dearly).  She says her m.d. works with people who are uninsured.  I need to get off my duff and make an appointment.

Scoop - yes, it is all very weird and it must be a survival instinct.  I know exactly what you mean.  I've been journaling quite a bit lately in an attempt to release some of the rage I carry.  It is helpful and a great reminder.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Doe on September 28, 2011, 08:18:32 AM
One thing you might try, if you haven't already, is to get active physically and take care of your body (eating well, vits, etc).  A good walk, looking around and using all your senses can work wonders at times.

And move to Colorado!  Lots of sunshine, active, healthy people and a good economy!
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 28, 2011, 08:19:45 AM
Sorry - that last comment was for Elizabeth.

Doe, they are very well off and told all of us their intention with their will.  They have long-term care insurance as well and are extremely frugal people.  It was a flippant comment I made though, selfish and stupid really.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 28, 2011, 08:23:19 AM
I lived in Colorado for two years and adored it.  My daughter's father is here in Illinois though and wouldn't rob her or him of their beautiful relationship.  He is a wonderful father to her.  Maybe when I am retired, and if my daughter wanted to move with me, I would go.

You're spot on about the people there!  They are fabulous - and so are the mountains.  They call it God's Country, and there's no questioning why!
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: pam1 on September 28, 2011, 08:24:52 AM
Don't beat yourself up too much, my DH had the same thoughts.  Since they are open with their intentions it sounds like they've been some carrots too.  It takes awhile to sort out the chaos that was created since childhood, take it easy on yourself.

Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Doe on September 28, 2011, 08:31:45 AM
After my mom died, my dad married someone younger than me (the baby of the family) who had a young child!  Things like that can redistribute wealth!

Oh, and I got that it was just a comment - no problem.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 28, 2011, 08:35:15 AM
Woah! That must have been interesting.... and I love your phrase "redistribute wealth"! LOL!
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Scoop on September 28, 2011, 09:50:08 AM
Colorado - I realize it was a quick comment about the will.  But still, I'm going to address it, because when times are tough, you're going to have to convince yourself that it's just not worth it.

If you want to sell your DD to someone who will not treat her nicely, I'm sure you could get a pretty penny for her RIGHT NOW, without having to wait for your P's to pass on and  (MAYBE) include you in their will.

If you want to sell YOURSELF to someone who will abuse you, well, there are all kinds of people out there and I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard to find someone who was willing to pay cash up front to be able to demean you.  And even then, it wouldn't be as demoralizing, because it wouldn't be coming from someone who's supposed to love you.

Another expression I've heard is that sometimes the easiest way to pay is with money.  Meaning, in general, it's better to pay cash for some thing or some service than to "owe" people for favours.  But in this case, it's better for you to pay with your hard earned cash, than to pay with your self-esteem and your daughter's self-esteem, for years and years, for a potential reward.

I really believe that if they treat you like this now, they won't give you more than a pittance in their will.  They will use that chain to yank you around for the next, what?  15-20 years?  I know people like this, where, you can fold yourself in half 5 times and they'll only say "why not 6?"  You will NEVER be able to satisfy them, because they are insatiable.   They will always manage to find *something* as an excuse to give you less / to treat you poorly.

So yeah, break the cycle, don't pass this garbage on to your little girl.  Raise her up to KNOW, deep in her heart, that she DESERVES to be treated well.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: sesamejane on September 28, 2011, 06:11:59 PM
Hey Would,

Post script on the will and money thing.  My mother was very well off.  That is a carrot she dangled - put up with her abuse or nothing will come your way.  In my family, women were second class citizens who found their way by flaunting sexuality and attracting men with money. My mother was jealous of all women and contemptuous of all men.   My mother and my brothers expected me to fulfill their expectatioins.  I did not comply or I should say, I think I was so sick of it being shoved down my throat that I rebeled.  I have turned down lots of money several times, much to their dismay.  In the end, mother and my brothers "banished" me because of my noncompliance.  It forced me to learn to take care of myself.  I earned a ph.d. in 09 and my girls have a role model of self-reliance.  I am respected by them and people in my community. It is worth more than gold to me. I only wish I had figured it out sooner so that I would have more time to enjoy this new found me.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Pooh on September 29, 2011, 09:39:39 AM
Just wanted to say welcome Colorado.  These wise ladies have given great advice!
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 29, 2011, 09:57:36 PM
I am deeply saddened that anyone has gone through what I have.  I wouldn't wish that on a snake.  How then do you attain self worth if it is a foreign concept? Something you have heard of, but not ever experienced. I'm fairly certain you can't buy it.  I am alone.  I am scared. I've lost everything only to watch my brothers, my family move on without me.  They will get the gold.  They will get the piece of mind.  Where is Karma? What is she doing?  Am I Hitler incarnate to deserve abandonment on top of abandonment plus child abuse, sexual abuse and now finally a closing of ranks and shutting me out?  I don't even have a sense of autonomy.  I've nothing to speak of.  Where is life's beauty?  I see it when I walk.  I feel it when I breath, but the pain always takes over everything and colours life black.  Is there hope?  When will it  come?  Where does it lurk?  I long for life. I long for happiness.  I long to have the things I so desire to teach my daughter.  I can't even commit to one religion.  I can't commit to anything. After all, everyone and every thing abandons, right?
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Rose799 on September 29, 2011, 10:13:47 PM
Quote from: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 29, 2011, 09:57:36 PM
After all, everyone and every thing abandons, right?

No, they don't, Colorado, & you're living proof.  You're not abandoning your dd~  I think you're far stronger than you realize.  You're seeking help, which shows your desire to better yours & your dd's lives.  We're all here for the same reasons, Colorado.  We're all broken in some fashion.  We all need someone to lean on now & then, & oh boy, have you come to the right place.  This is a great group of gals who have lived & loved & lost.  You are not alone anymore.  Luise's site has been a haven to us all.  Welcome, dear Colorado, for you've found a new home here.  Keep reading & posting.  I'm sure you'll find some good advice here.  ((hugs))
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Nana on September 30, 2011, 01:47:30 AM
Dear Would...

Rose is giving you great advice.  You have survived to horrible things....dont give up....as I say....the problem is not falling down, it is not being able to stand up    You have been around the wrong people...but not everyone is  like your family...you are not...you love your daughter and treat her with love and respect.   You now have the opportunity to make difference in your daughter's life, the opportunity you did not have with your family.  Who needs a family like that?  Move on, and you''ll see... how life changes.    I do believe in Karma....let it do its work.....

May God give you strength and peace.


Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Doe on September 30, 2011, 07:02:18 AM
CO, 

I'm going to add the suggestion to take this gradiently.  Your recovery isn't going to be overnight, but will probably come about in a series of new understandings and awakenings. 

You have have retrain yourself to look for some light (it sounds like you are doing this).  The world is filled with good people and you just have to take your place among them. 

Whatever you can do to help you stay in present time will probably help you through this.

I went through a period of malaise a few years ago and one thing that helped me was to blog.  I set up one guideline for myself and that was to only write about something good that I experienced or observed.  It was a good exercise because I tend to have a cynical streak.    You could blog about all the awful things but I think that you can rehash the past over and over and over or you can get on with building a future.   (Get busy living or get busy dying  -Shawshank Redemption).

Anyway, hang in there.  Keeping posting here.  It'll get better.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: pam1 on September 30, 2011, 07:23:23 AM
Quote from: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 29, 2011, 09:57:36 PM
I am deeply saddened that anyone has gone through what I have.  I wouldn't wish that on a snake.  How then do you attain self worth if it is a foreign concept? Something you have heard of, but not ever experienced. I'm fairly certain you can't buy it.  I am alone.  I am scared. I've lost everything only to watch my brothers, my family move on without me.  They will get the gold.  They will get the piece of mind.  Where is Karma? What is she doing?  Am I Hitler incarnate to deserve abandonment on top of abandonment plus child abuse, sexual abuse and now finally a closing of ranks and shutting me out?  I don't even have a sense of autonomy.  I've nothing to speak of.  Where is life's beauty?  I see it when I walk.  I feel it when I breath, but the pain always takes over everything and colours life black.  Is there hope?  When will it  come?  Where does it lurk?  I long for life. I long for happiness.  I long to have the things I so desire to teach my daughter.  I can't even commit to one religion.  I can't commit to anything. After all, everyone and every thing abandons, right?

It will happen, one day at a time.  As you begin to make healthier choices (not allowing abusive people in your life) you will reap the benefits.  You will see change.

No, it won't be overnight, it won't be next week.  But every day will get better, you will get stronger, you will start loving yourself and then you will see the change around you.  Have faith. 

We are all here rooting for you!
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Doe on September 30, 2011, 07:30:54 AM
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Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Ruth on September 30, 2011, 07:45:25 AM
Dear CO, you are definitely an artistic person, and have the soul of a writer.  I've had a tough life also, dear one.  The most productive periods in my life have been when I was beating my head against a wall, and when I felt abandoned and had to learn to look inside myself for wisdom and strength.  I will answer your question only because you asked.  I life my life by faith, and God gives me the inner peace and comfort to bear the hard things that life has seemingly unjustly sent my way, and the hope and optimism to believe that a greater force that I know is guiding my life.  Keep reading and posting, it takes a long time but you have to have faith in the process.  Its fine to vent.  When you read enough here, you begin to see that most of the women have overcome very difficult obstacles and haven't lived life in a bed of roses.  The past isn't important.  What IS important is the decisions you make today, and what you prioritize in your life.  Nonexistent on the list should be hate, blame, resentment (either toward another person or yourself).  You aren't responsible for any one's actions or decisions but your own. 

You may be a person who 'thinks too much' , and for 'we' who are like that, we need a lot of good exercise in the fresh air, walking-gardening, etc, and we need to cultivate more simple joys, ( cooking?  scrapbooking?  sewing?)  these are just some suggestions.  But I think you might need to work towards a little less probing and complexity, and more peaceful and simple pleasures in your life.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 30, 2011, 10:14:40 AM
My cup runneth over...

Here I thought I would take a stab in the dark, to spill the beans and hope to be heard.  My expectations have been far surpassed, to say the least.  I cannot thank you enough for your love and support.  You are all a saving grace.  Your words of wisdom, hope and understanding astound me.  I am amazed at the kindness of this group of women.

Rose - your words are comforting. Perhaps I do need to look at the positive attributes about myself and focus on those.  I know they're in there somewhere.  Not allowing anyone to put me down any longer is the first step.  Thank you for your support.  Thank you for saying I have found a new home.  (hugs to you as well)!

Nana - thank you for your words and support as well.  You are right - I have the opportunity to give my little girl a life I never had.  Love, kindness, affection, encouragement, support.  When I am with her, I am the happiest woman in the world.  That is something to cherish and hold on to.

Doe - thank you for explaining how recovery will take place.  "Gradiently" is a brilliant way to put it.  In pure honesty, I didn't believe recovery was possible until now.  I can relate to your cynical streak and think your ground rules about being positive in your blogging is an excellent way to stay focused.  I think I would rather get busy living.  I adore that movie.  Thank you for your words of wisdom as well.

Pam - thank you again for your kindness and support.  I am beginning to see that there are other people out there who have suffered greatly and yet managed to find a level of solace.  I am very happy to have stumbled upon this wonderful community of supportive and strong women.  I believe in God and think maybe I was guided here.

Ruth - thank you for the compliments.  I see you have a way with writing yourself.  Your wisdom is amazing.  You couldn't be more accurate in identifying that I do, in fact, think too much.  There are so many simple pleasures in this life that I love engaging in.  I paint, draw, sing, write, attempt to sew though I'm terrible at it and should not even own a sewing machine.  The only class I ever failed was a sewing class when I majored in fashion design for a semester, which I still laugh about.  I love the culinary arts, good books, walking, hiking, camping, fishing, making crafts.  Thank you for reminding me of these.  I will try to stay away from the complexities and stay focused on those simple pleasures.  Maybe that is what it is all really about anyway.  I'm sorry to hear of the turmoil in your life and hope you are in a good place now.  I've never been good at the whole faith thing, but I'm going to work at it.  Your kindness is inspiring and so very appreciated. 

You all are beautiful and wonderful women for being supportive.  I am so grateful to have found you.

Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Doe on September 30, 2011, 12:00:35 PM
Quote from: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 30, 2011, 10:14:40 AM
You all are beautiful and wonderful women for being supportive.  I am so grateful to have found you.

Thank you!!

See, this is the kind of stuff we want to hear from our DSs and DILSs!   ;D  We can be your surrogates!
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Rose799 on September 30, 2011, 02:53:19 PM
Quote from: Doe on September 30, 2011, 12:00:35 PM
Thank you!!

See, this is the kind of stuff we want to hear from our DSs and DILSs!   ;D  We can be your surrogates!
[/quote]

...and DD'S!!   : )
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: sesamejane on September 30, 2011, 11:40:42 PM
Recovering from such a background is possible and likely if you want it bad enough.  I agree with Ruth. Prayer, asking for assistance, reaching out to folks who lived the kind of lives I respected helped me.  Initially, I thought I was "not good enough" to be their friend, but I got over that.  Associate with people who have positive and honest spirits.  It can make all the difference.  And let go of all those who have been a negative influence. 

One thing I found difficult initially, is that I did not honor myself.  I didn't listen to my "instincts," and trust my own judgment about people.  If you are uncomfortable around someone, you dont' need to explain why, just excuse yourself and get on. 

I eventually found my way into a church that I felt comfortable in at the invitation of a friend.  I am a pretty liberal gal and do not like people telling me what to do.  This church was loving and supportive, and helped me grow up.  They began the emotional repair work along with several good therapists.

There are a lot of very fine people out there.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: Ruth on October 01, 2011, 07:25:12 AM
Thank you, CO, for all the sweet things you said, I thought about it often yesterday.  Thank you also Sesame for such a meaningful post.  You are a dear girl, CO, and I think its your mother's loss.  Life your life and use this opportunity to give your daughter a wonderful life, perhaps you won't have to look back with regrets like so many of us.  You only get one shot at parenting.  What you did in protecting your daughter took a lot of guts, I admired you for this, it showed real character.  You should feel very proud of yourself.
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: lancaster lady on October 01, 2011, 07:35:40 AM
Hello again Colorado .....
As they say this is the first day of the rest of your life , think of what you can make that life be ,
for you and your daughter .
Each day will be better than the last , life's simple pleasures will be huge .
Wishing you and your family health , wealth and above all happiness .
Title: Re: Angry with my Mother
Post by: wouldratherbeincolorado on October 17, 2011, 06:13:04 AM
Thank you sesamejane and lancasterlady. Its so good to hear of hope.  Your words are appreciated and I've read them all over and over again.  I have a lot of work to do, and that is fine with me, so long as I can come out of it a happier and more content person.

Thank you and best wishes to you all.