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I'm so happy to hear this.

I am so sorry all of this has happened.  But the way you describe it, your daughter's attitude sounds really promising.  I hope you are able to get your grandchildren with you, while she does her incarceration and treatment and I hope she is able to beat this addiction.  I have noticed that many meth addicts are bipolar, and started out using meth to self-medicate.  Meth is the worst drug!  I am so glad she is getting help and seems receptive to it.  It does sound hopeful

That is very strange and would be so hard to come to terms with.  I can imagine how hurt you feel.  I was just curious.  Did you tell him how hurt you were and if you did how did he respond.
.  He was also married to the bottle and kept that a secret from you.  Addiction does sometimes cause people to lose their moral compass or behave in ways that would otherwise be uncharacteristic.  I worked in the substance abuse field for many years and I have many friends and coworkers who are recovering alcoholics or drug addicts.  Some of the things they have shared with me about their past are unbelievable since I have only known them sober and the person I know would never do those things.  Addiction is so powerful that it can cause a mother to neglect her children or risk losing them.  I just wondered if he is sober now and if he was remorseful at all for keeping this secret from you.   Some recovering alcoholics join AA and a couple of the AA steps involve admitting where you have wronged people and make amends.  I wonder if this would be helpful to him. 
I wonder if he just went along with what his girlfriend wanted at the time and then couldn't bring himself to break the news to you after the fact, because he knew you would be hurt.  I'm not trying to justify his behavior at all, but I am always wondering why people do the things they do.

One more thing: I think your son is wrong to demand that you book a flight right away and then add that DIL says you can't stay.   Your adult children don't get to tell you what to do or put demands on you and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do just because that has what he told you.  Also it doesn't sound like he communicated with his wife about this first and pitted you against each other by saying to you that he wants you to come and then saying DIL says you can't stay here.  If you can't afford a flight and a hotel right now what is wrong with just saying that.  Besides it might be more enjoyable for all of you if you went later after  things have calmed down.   In my opinion the newborn time is really about parents and baby bonding anyway and aren't they a little more fun when they are a couple of months old?

I just wanted to add that I do understand what it's like to be a MIL.  When my daughter had her babies she wanted me around to help and I felt comfortable that she would send me home when she got tired of me.  When my son's children were born, I went to my DIL, not my son and told her that I needed her to tell me what she needed and wanted from me and what she didn't want from me when the babies were born.  I told her I was willing to come and help and excited to see the babies but also understood that having me around could cause stress to her.  Her mother was going right away (they live 5-6) hours away and I also told her that I understood because I know it's different with your own mother.  She thought about it and said she would like me to come after her mother left, for a few days.  She was willing to let me stay in their small apartment with them, but I opted for a motel for my own comfort.  Later she said it was actually kind of nice not having me stay there.  She's a nice person and didn't mean this in a bad way and I understood what she meant.   
I think because of the way I felt with my inlaws for so many years I tend to be more sensitive to what a DIL feels than what a MIL feels even though I am both. 

I agree with those that said that DIL probably just doesn't want a lot of houseguests when she has a new baby and that having her own Mom there is more comfortable for her. 
As a mother, I wanted my mom to come and stay with me when my son was born, but she was unable to come because her mother was dying and she needed to be there.  I never wanted my MILs help and didn't ask for it.  My husband called them the minute I went into labor and my inlaws headed up. No one asked me, they just said this is what we are doing.   They were there at the hospital and for my homecoming.  Then my BIL came because he was leaving the state and this was his only chance to see the baby.  I knew they were all excited and I didn't want to deny them.  However it was not good for me.  When it came to my husband's family, I always did what was good for them at my expense.  They weren't there to help and I hardly had a minute alone with my baby for the first 10 days.e  I was breastfeeding so it least no one could take that away from me, but my husband did the cooking and cleaning and his family only created more stress.
In my opinion, it is the woman who carries the child, delivers the child, feeds the child if she is breastfeeding and has hormones changing and causing her stress.  She should be able to call the shots about who comes and when.  I wish I had, but instead I put others needs ahead of my own and it was one of the first in a long list of resentments that didn't need to be. 
My ex-SIL told inlaws not to come right away when their son was born and BIL stood behind her on that.  It didn't make her very popular with my inlaws an I got to hear how awful she was, but I was thinking "good for her" 

Lilly,
I did not find your post offensive at all as a DIL.  I understand your difficulty as I have had the same difficulty responding or offering advice to  MILs.   Sometimes what I read touches that sore spot in me. 
I have participated in a couple of other MIL forums for DILs.  I did get some validation for my anger, but found it was only making me feel more angry.  I started reading and writing on this site because I  thought it would help lessen my anger toward my MIL if I couild try to understand things from a MIL's perspective  and it has.  When you wrote about how you felt when your DIL shared her true feelings, I realized that my MIL probably feels much like you do. 
I know that my MIL and other MILs are not horrible people... and I am a MIL too.  I tried to be a good DIL and have a good relationship with my inlaws, but in doing so I was not at all true to myself and not assertive and consequently allowed a lot of resentment to build.  When I tried to talk to my MIL about my feelings through the yeasr, she simply defended herself and discounted how I was feeling.  So the last time I tried to talk to my inlaws they pretty much said I was the one with the problem and they never did anything wrong.  Then I blew up and it was ugly as 30 years worth of anger came out.  I know I was totally wrong to do this and immediately apologized to my inlaws and admitted my wrong doing.  I told them it was a result of letting things build and I knew I had done that to myself.  My inlaws didn't do the same however.  A year later she sent a letter "sorry for causing you pain" and still no understanding of anything wrong on their part. 
I admit that I have trouble asserting myself and I allowed the resentment to build until it was so large that I could hardly stand to be around them. 
I know my inlaws are not horrible people but I also know that I am not a horrible person.  I guess the point I am trying to make is that we are all human and some relationships are harder than others.   Also even though I was wrong to hold things in and not be assertive and wrong to express my anger in such a terrible way, there were valid reasons behind the anger.   Your DIL may or may not have had valid reasons to be angry, and it might be too late for your relationship at this point.  I would only suggest to the MILs on here to try to understand WHY your DILs are angry. 
I hope this is not offensive to anyone as this is not my intent.  My intent for being here is to try to understand things better from the other side and also to offer up some input as to what it feels like from this side. 

I'm so sorry.  What a heartbreaking situation.    My heart goes out to those kids.  I'm glad they were arrested so that the kids could be taken into safety.  Methamphetamine is such a horrible drug and extremely addictive.  I attended a conference where a young woman got up and talked about her previous methamphetamine addiction and how when she was using she didn't care about anything else even her kids.  But she got help through the courts once she was arrested and is now in recovery.  I hope that happens for your daughter. 
I think you are doing the right thing by not helping your daughter right now. 

I wonder if it would help to think of your son as a friend who was coming to visit rather than your son.  If you had a friend visit would you be doing chores while they were, other than perhaps what is necessary for meal preparation?  Would you be asking them to help you get your shampooer going?  It might also help your son to look at it that way too, as if he is visiting a friend.  If he was visiting someone else would he lay around and not offer to pitch in?  It sounds like your son was wanting to connect with you by asking if just you could go have dinner.  Then once there, he didn't know how to connect and you were already feeling resentful toward him because of his behavior all weekend, so you weren't able to be completely present for him and perhaps he was feeling resentful that you kept asking him to do chores. 
I agree with the other ladies that it would be helpful to discuss expectations prior to the visit and to also try to understand his expectations.  Perhaps you could find a middle ground.  It might also help both of you to only expect what you would expect from a friend and not a family member. 

I agree.  I would go.   He asked if just the two of you could go for a reason and your husband will be fine.  Enjoy a nice dinner with your son.

I call my kids. My son went through a period of time in his early adulthood,  when he wouldn't pick up when I called and wouldn't call back for several days.  Sometimes I would get worried when he didn't call back and just send him a text and ask "Are you alive?" and then he'd text back that he was fine and he'd call me later and wouldn't.  This was also during a time when he was in college and partying a lot.  Now he has a family and things are different.  I don't call him often, maybe once or twice a month, just to talk and he calls me occasionally just to talk.   I don't worry about calling at a bad time because he doesn't pick up if he's busy and he'll calls me back these idays.  I call either him or my DIL (his girlfriend) whenever I have a question about some random thing like a kid's size or if we are planning a visit and they call freely about those things.  We see them about four times per year.  They live about 7 hours away.  I don't feel like we have conflict between us.  I feel good about them, but my son is the type that doesn't always talk about what's bothering him. (he gets it from me) His girlfriend is nice and does speak up about what she wants and I'm glad about that.   His girlfriend was recently in town for a couple of days with the kids and made it a point to call and come over with the kids one evening, so that made us feel good. 
I rarely need to  call my daughter because she calls me at least once daily and I see her and her kids frequently too.  I have recently been working on creating more separation between us.  I had allowed her to stay dependent on me and have been working on stepping back.  Fortunately, son-in-laws don't seem as threatened by their wive's being close to their mothers as DILs do. 

Lillycache,  This was thoughtless and rude of your son.  Have you talked to him about it?  If it were me, I would be calling him and telling him that I thought he was coming and made meal preparations.  If he is so self absorbed, maybe it would help him to know how his behavior affected you.  Not in a mean or angry way but just matter of fact.  "You said you were coming, so I went to a lot of trouble to make preparations.  Then when I didn't hear from you and you didn't come, I felt dissappointed and hurt.  Next time please let me know if you change your mind, so that I don't go to so much effort for nothing"  I don't know but to me, it seems like it might help him to understand how this affected you.

Thank you ladies for your input.  No I don't want to go and I just feel guilty for feeling that way. Luise you are right that I need to be true to myself first and not worry about making excuses or putting myself back into people pleaser mode.   Even though I don't miss them and my husband doesn't think I need to go, I feel like I should, but that's how I got so resentful in the first place is always doing what I should instead of what I want.  I just get afraid of becoming too selfish. 
Fangle, I appreciate your advice about trying some phone conversations first and seeing how that goes.  It's probably not a bad idea to test the waters first and it has already been established by my husband that if I do join him for a visit in the future, I won't be staying in their home.
Freespirit- Yes the coin toss tells me to stay.
Herbalescapes-I don't know how believable the geography and financial excuse will be because they know I could afford it, it's just that I really don't want to spend the money that way and I could get there if I really wanted to, but like Luise says it's ok to be true to myself withoutI  explaining myself of making an excuse.  It's just hard to shake the feeling that I am being a bad person who can't behave in a loving manner to my husband's parents. 
Pooh # 4 is the only reason that is the part of going that I actually want.  But I don't think I can go to see BIL and family without being pressured to see inlaws and without hurting them more than just staying away altogether. 

I don't want to go but I feel like I am being unfair to my inlaws. I feel like they are just waiting for me to get over being angry.  They tell my husband they love me and miss me and want me to come.  I don't know for sure if that's how they feel because my MIL will always say what she thinks is the nice thing to say even if it's not how she really feels.  I feel like I should at least call them up and say why I am not coming, instead of just saying nothing and leaving them hanging.   But I feel like my being honest with them hurts them too.  I want to honor myself and my feelings but not at someone elses expense, even theirs. 
I am very confused about them and my feelings toward them.  They aren't horrible people, and I know that my own personality has been a big part of the problem and the building of the resentment that I haven't been able to let go.  I feel like I must care about them or else I wouldn't feel so angry toward them.  But I have mostly bad memories... not bad like traumatic but bad like just a nagging discomfort whenever I am around them.  So that's why I dread going.  But when I realize that a lot of the discomfort I felt was my own doing, I  feel like it could be better if I gave it another try. 
I suppose I am looking for a win-win situation.  It might be best for me to avoid them for the rest of my life, but that might not be what would feel best for them.  And also it might actually be best for me to go and find some sort of peaceful solution or closure with them.  Right now it just seems like things are left hanging in the air.  They are old and the opportunity might not be there forever.

Something someone else wrote on this site about how they got along with their DIL for years and then she suddenly flipped, got me thinking that this is probably how my inlaws feel.  Well it wasn't sudden from my perspective, it had been brewing for years and I had made an attempt to talk with them about the issues before but they seemed to let it all go in one ear and out the other.  It was really unfair for me to hold in my feelings for so much of the time with them and then let it out.  But now after so many years of bad history, I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to forget all the bad history and I know it will be hard to change patterns of relating that have gone on for so many years. 
How can I tell them it's just to hard for me to be around them right now and how do I tell them I don't know if that will change... without hurting them more.  Would it be kinder to say nothing and leave them hanging?  If you were in my inlaws shoes how would you feel?

I don't know if it's working for everyone.   They say they miss me and hope I will come visit.  That's what I feel bad about.   If they were saying stay away, it would be easier to stay away and feel good about it.  It seems to be working for my husband.  It's working for me other than I feel guilty about not wanting to go.