My eldest daughter, turning 30 in a few months, has recently started dating someone that she's known for a few years. I met him once, seemed very polite, and I'm very bad with judging a person's age but I would have said close to 40. When she first started talking about him she told me things that indicated that he was coming on VERY strong right out the gate (my first thought was that he was a player and telling her exactly what she wanted to hear) and I cautioned her to take it slow.
Just yesterday she said that he has 4 children, the youngest is 16, and a grandchild. That was quite a surprise! I'm only 47 so he's probably around my age, at least. I was curious so I looked at his Facebook profile as he is a friend of her's. It says his relationship status is Married. Huh?!?!?
I almost texted my daughter and asked about it but, is it my place to do that? It could be that he was married but never changed it on FB but, wouldn't a single guy make sure that was changed? She's really bowled over by him, more than I've ever seen her, and frankly that kind of worries me.
No, it's not your place to ask.. but saying that I'd ask anyway, because that I how I am :)
Bless your heart Mof3. We never get over worrying about them do we? When I was going through my divorce, I left my status as Married until my divorce was final, because in my heart, legally and morally I was still married. So my status remained Married for months after he was gone. You could also be right that he just never changed it, because some men just don't pay attention to their setting after they initially set it up.
In answer to your question, IMO, I don't think you should text her and ask her. Since you have a good relationship with her, and she shares with you about him, I would wait. I would think that if you ask her, then she could accuse you of snooping, and....she would be right! (Not that I wouldn't have done the same thing ;D). She is an adult, and if he is married, then she knows it already because I am sure she noticed his status too.
Hello Motherof3 and Welcome!!!! Without a doubt this is a sticky one......I can truly understand your worries and feel the same.....
Knowing myself and that this is my child I would have to somehow vaguelly bring it up...Even tho, yes, she is almost 30 and has to learn on her own...I would still have to say something or ask a question out of the blue when she is talking about him...for example just ask "how long has he been divorsed?" But do not mention that you checked him out on FB.....and with what ever your daughter tells you--you are just going to have to take it at face value....for you do not want to cause any problems at all.....For we all remember~~"Love can be blind."
Let us know how this continues...wishing you the best...Faith
I decided to not say anything. I don't want to be a meddling mother and she's an adult who has lived on her own for a decade so she doesn't need mama interfering in her business.
Curiosity will be nibbling at the back on my mind though. ::)
IF it comes up naturally while talking to her then, yeah... "how long has he been divorced?" is a reasonable question or, "does he have any ongoing issues with his ex-wife? They get along well with the children?"
That sounds good for I know you need to find some peace with this--for I certainly would.......
This does bring up a memory, after several years of being divorsed I did meet a man whom was 10 years older than I was. He came right out and told me that he was divorsed--we talked about our children etc....I really enjoyed this man, after about a month down the road, intuition started kicking in, I began to see a pattern with his visits and calls~~I then wish someone would of said to me "YOOOO he's married, but no one did~~except for the evening his wife showed up at my door, instead of him.....We had a few words and I told her: "Excuse me~~go take this out
on your cheating husband whom lies and states he is divorsed." And I slammed the door...end of story.
He called me two days later and I told him--if you call me again I will call your wife about this and hung up........never heard from him again....Amen.
Unfortunately they are out there learking everyday for a new adventure~~and you just never know...I learned and I am glad I did.
Wishing you the Best.
Disclaimer: DO NOT DO THIS lol
Post on his Facebook. "You're married?! I thought you were dating my daughter." LOL
Once again, don't do that lol
That is a tough position. Considering that your daughter has known him for years, it is a pretty safe bet that she knows if he is in the midst of a divorce with his status still saying "married." I hope for her sake that he IS and not just cheating on his wife and telling your daughter what she wants to hear..... Does his wife have a FB? What does hers say?
ADil,
I can totally see why you have a hard time staying away from your MIL's FB photos. ;)
I'd take the "head in sand" approach to this as far as it could get me...until I was directly asked by my DD about his marriage status.
Quote from: MotherOf3 on March 03, 2011, 07:41:56 AM
My eldest daughter, turning 30 in a few months, has recently started dating someone that she's known for a few years. I met him once, seemed very polite, and I'm very bad with judging a person's age but I would have said close to 40. When she first started talking about him she told me things that indicated that he was coming on VERY strong right out the gate (my first thought was that he was a player and telling her exactly what she wanted to hear) and I cautioned her to take it slow.
Just yesterday she said that he has 4 children, the youngest is 16, and a grandchild. That was quite a surprise!
If my daughter - approximately same age as yours - ever says those things to me I am not going to sit in the bush.
I am going to ask her straight out: is he still married? If the answer is yes, I am going to tell her to value herself more than she currently is and get out of that relationship. (A man who cheats on his wife now will probably cheat on her later.) If the answer is no, I am going to warn her that unless he has been divorced for at least a year, he is not yet ready for a permanent relationship and that she should consider herself his bridge to the next permanent woman in his life.
After my first husband left me for another woman, my father told me he had never liked my choice, and he did not trust the man, but decided not to say anything to me. I will tell you from experience that I wish he had voiced his opinion
before I married.
I will also tell her that his children will never accept her, because she is too close to their age, and will oppose any permanent relationship with this man.
And you might as well give this man my email, because I have a lot to say to him also!!!
Hello motherof3:
From another mother of 3 !
My daughter is 28 ...and I would certainly ask her if she knew what she was doing .
We have a close relationship and I would rather face her wrath than see her wreck her life !
which if he is still married she would certainly do .
I would ask her now before she becomes too fond of him and gets too attached .
Not to mention what her DF would do .....
Other families might approach this differently ,but this would be our approach ,rightly or wrongly .
Quote from: seasage on March 03, 2011, 11:08:23 AM
And you might as well give this man my email, because I have a lot to say to him also!!!
Ah Seasage, I wish I was built like you! :) :) :) :) :)
Quote from: lancaster lady on March 03, 2011, 11:31:08 AM
Other families might approach this differently ,but this would be our approach ,rightly or wrongly .
Dh & I took that approach when dd moved in with a co-worker at age 22. I felt she should be warned, so I tried talking to her - and I faced her wrath. She moved in with him & about a year later, we learned he was an alcoholic, after he'd left. Two days later, he was trying to make amends. I told dh he needed to step up. Boy did he! He gave dd an ultimatum, either him or us. As you said, LL, it was a matter of dd wrecking her life. Thankfully, she chose us. But we suffered the consequences. Dd dated sil about 2 years. We saw him 2-3 times before announcing their engagement. Of course, df would never do such a thing, had dm not put him up to it. Still, I wish I was built more like Seasage! This walking egg shells stuff is for the birds!
I hope no one thought I meant "head in the sand" about not asking. Please let me clarify. :( I don't think further sleuthing of a possible wife on FB is going to be helpful.
Even without having seen the FB, since he had 4 kids, I think you can ask, "So, I guess the guy is divorced?" 4 kids denotes a certain amount of baggage.
*Also! I know several people on FB that have the wrong status. They either don't know it's wrong, haven't fixed it, arent online enough to fix it, don't know how to fix it, or just want to keep unwanted e-mails at bay (listing "married" is an easy way to do that). It could mean many different things.
Back in the day, all my dp's would need to say was, "You make your bed; you get to lie in it." That was plenty enough for me to think twice~
Quote from: seasage on March 03, 2011, 10:55:11 AM
Quote from: MotherOf3 on March 03, 2011, 07:41:56 AM
My eldest daughter, turning 30 in a few months, has recently started dating someone that she's known for a few years. I met him once, seemed very polite, and I'm very bad with judging a person's age but I would have said close to 40. When she first started talking about him she told me things that indicated that he was coming on VERY strong right out the gate (my first thought was that he was a player and telling her exactly what she wanted to hear) and I cautioned her to take it slow.
Just yesterday she said that he has 4 children, the youngest is 16, and a grandchild. That was quite a surprise!
If my daughter - approximately same age as yours - ever says those things to me I am not going to sit in the bush.
I am going to ask her straight out: is he still married? If the answer is yes, I am going to tell her to value herself more than she currently is and get out of that relationship. (A man who cheats on his wife now will probably cheat on her later.) If the answer is no, I am going to warn her that unless he has been divorced for at least a year, he is not yet ready for a permanent relationship and that she should consider herself his bridge to the next permanent woman in his life.
After my first husband left me for another woman, my father told me he had never liked my choice, and he did not trust the man, but decided not to say anything to me. I will tell you from experience that I wish he had voiced his opinion before I married.
Hi, I read all the emails and agreed with the first posts then I read this one and know it would be what i would do in that situation.
My dsister said after her first failed marriage "why didn't you warn me" well we didn't think she'd listen but we should have. My dm and dad did talk to her about "pitfalls" the 2 time...and the 3rd...well she may listen one day. They can feel happy they tried and if they were wrong the 2nd time then who could blame them for trying.
There is a difference between asking and understanding what a situation entails, and giving a warning. To me a warning is usually slanted more towards the negative, "don't do this" way of coming across. My own dd asked me if I would warn her if I thought she was making a mistake... I honestly told her that at one time I probably would have... I may still express my concerns but to sway her decision is not my place.
I watched my own parents do this, hand picked my older sister's future husband.. yeah well that ended terribly and she was left with nothing to even live in, he torched her clothes and she now had two kids that she was responsible for. My parents warned me about my husband, he was trouble, he was going to get me into trouble etc... now they have to admit that I have the most stable relationship and family out of the bunch. Had he gotten into some trouble in his 'wild' days.. yep.. but it wasn't like I hadn't and besides bad boys were more fun. The truth is, only I could decide who was going to make me the best person I could be.. I followed my heart.. my parents would have warned for all their right reasons but they would have been wrong about what he would mean to me.
Without a doubt my dd should be aware of any bf's marital status. From there it would be her decision... Now saying that, it doesn't mean that I blindly support her decision and I would have my own boundaries that their relationship would have to respect, but I do have to respect her and her life.
Quote from: Laurie on March 03, 2011, 03:41:34 PM
There is a difference between asking and understanding what a situation entails, and giving a warning. To me a warning is usually slanted more towards the negative, "don't do this" way of coming across. My own dd asked me if I would warn her if I thought she was making a mistake... I honestly told her that at one time I probably would have... I may still express my concerns but to sway her decision is not my place.
I watched my own parents do this, hand picked my older sister's future husband.. yeah well that ended terribly and she was left with nothing to even live in, he torched her clothes and she now had two kids that she was responsible for. My parents warned me about my husband, he was trouble, he was going to get me into trouble etc... now they have to admit that I have the most stable relationship and family out of the bunch. Had he gotten into some trouble in his 'wild' days.. yep.. but it wasn't like I hadn't and besides bad boys were more fun. The truth is, only I could decide who was going to make me the best person I could be.. I followed my heart.. my parents would have warned for all their right reasons but they would have been wrong about what he would mean to me.
Without a doubt my dd should be aware of any bf's marital status. From there it would be her decision... Now saying that, it doesn't mean that I blindly support her decision and I would have my own boundaries that their relationship would have to respect, but I do have to respect her and her life.
Hi Laurie, I may have put my point across wrongly. 'Listen" to my parents with choices of dh "next" time wasn't what I meant.... just to consider opinons of dp. "They pay are expected to pay for the weddings so they can have a "gentle opinion" certainly no-one can "tell another adult what is "best for them" in any situation.
I hear you, Laurie. My dp's felt the same way toward dh & were also wrong. Without going in to detail, I expressed concerns initially, but did not sway dd's decision. Dd had many regrets over the course of that year. She moved in with bf out of sympathy, & quit school to work full time to support the two of them. It went a lot deeper than that. Dd was in tears more often than not, bf lost his job due to drinking, etc. I termed what dh said as an ultimatum, but it was more so, "If you decide to go back, we won't bear witness to this again."
I think I understood what you were saying Julia... but my parents were not even given the opportunity to use the price of my wedding to have any say....We opted to have a simple ceremony that consisted of just us and our dog :) We both wore blue jeans and oh do you remember those gauze tops? I think we just had different views, but then again I got married when I was 21 yet I had moved away from home at 16... obviously I wasn't much into parents opinions.
Without a doubt Rose, you and your husband have to right to say that you will not participate in their relationship, that would be normal. And while your dd may have come to a realization that she made an error, it's hers to live with. Hopefully from bad comes something good, and my sister seems more content with her second husband and he was a good influence for her boys. I think I have more of a concern (fear) of encouraging her to do something and then have it all backfire... I would feel that I had ruined or greatly interfered with her life... and it is her life.
Don't get me wrong.. we raised our kids holding a very tight rein, and there wasn't a whole lot they could do that I was not aware could be done. We allowed them to suffer the consequences of their decisions when we could and they learned early (ok 2 out of 3 learned) that if you analyze first what you did wrong, then it was easier to see how you did have control over the outcome at times. But yeah once they hit the love stage in life, then it's time for me to hope I raised them with the self awareness that is needed to make their right decisions..
Thing is by the time your offspring are in their late twenties ,they will have had their share of heartaches through broken romances . You would hope they will.have learnt a thing or two . However love is blind as they say and its easy to get carried away in the depths of a new affair ..... they only tell you what they think you need to know if anything . I suppose we are lucky if they tell you anything . .... so do we.dive in with our opinions ? Or wait to pick up the pieces?if I thought my DD was being mistreated , nothing could hold me back !
By time someone is in their late 20's they should know if they are being mistreated. Love isn't that blind.. now I'm not saying that there aren't people who search for women/men to victimize through love, con artist who rob you then leave.... but if you are blindly following someone by time you are in your late 20's then that is how you are choosing to live. I'm not saying that you shouldn't ask about a situation, but most likely, a stranger off the street would have more influence on your adult child then you will at that point. But that is me generalizing a situation, which it's hard not to. Just saying, that I had the opportunity to make my own decisions, my kids should too.
My parents couldn't stand my Ex-DH. There were warning signs all over the place when we were dating (at 18) that they saw. They never said a word to me and when I went through my divorce, my Daddy said, "He is an idiot and always has been." I looked at him and said "Why didn't you say something 21 years ago?" He just grinned and told me, "You wouldn't have listened."
He's right...I wouldn't have. I was in Luuuuuvvvvvvv.
I think I'd rather hear, "Why didn't you tell me that before?" than to be blamed for trying to get them to make a decision they just weren't ready to make (whether it was to stay with OR leave a certain person I had concerns about).
It's their decision totally .....but at least we can point out any concerns we may have .
My daughter a few years ago was dating a boy from the next town ,my friend found out about it as he was also dating her daughter too .
There was no way I wasn't going to tell her , the other girl became pregnant only to marry this guy .
Yeah you guessed it , he had the cheek to hit on my daughter again soon after the baby was born !
Was I right to tell my daughter ? Absolutely !
Quote from: lancaster lady on March 04, 2011, 10:23:45 AM
It's their decision totally .....but at least we can point out any concerns we may have .
You are right and I wouldn't change what I did, but it was the beginning of my downfall of my relationship with OS and DIL.
I think as a parent you should and must talk to your kids if you have a concern.. but not to sway their decision based on your concerns especially when it comes to romance we seldom see the complete picture. If asked I'm quick to say what I am willing to do or not to do, or how I would view something.. but I also have to respect that I can not say, so this is also how you should feel. I think that for the majority of our kids that leads into more of a challenge, and unfortunately as they are stepping into adulthood they are most certainly up to a challenge.
We do the best we can ...rightly or wrongly with our kids but if a relationship has to be kept secret
they maybe shouldn't be in it .
Even if he's legally married, I don't think that necessarily means he's scum. They could have been separated for a number of months and just not gone through the legal system. Try not to judge him even if he's legally married unless you know all the facts. My H wore his wedding ring for awhile after he and his ex wife separated and she moved out simply because he didn't feel like dealing with people's questions. I'm sure on facebook it's even worse since it says "So and so changed their status to 'single.'" He'd have a million people going, "OMG WHAT HAPPENED?" and maybe he just doesn't want to deal with it and keep his life private. Just a thought.
Quote from: Laurie on March 03, 2011, 08:56:38 PM
And while your dd may have come to a realization that she made an error, it's hers to live with. Hopefully from bad comes something good, and my sister seems more content with her second husband and he was a good influence for her boys. I think I have more of a concern (fear) of encouraging her to do something and then have it all backfire... I would feel that I had ruined or greatly interfered with her life... and it is her life.
Yeah, I wouldn't want to carry that weight either, Lauri... Dd learned some difficult, yet valuable lessons from her experience. I will admit, though, dh & I could have done better of allowing dd the "privilege" of learning via natural consequences through the years.
I personally, believe that if she has known him for quite sometime; she knows he is divorced. As to the FB thing...some of us do not know how to change settings (I wouldn't worry about that). It is my opinion, that you talk with her. I would bring it up carefully in such a way, SHE tells you of his current situation.
If your daughter knows "you" know, that you are concerned for her, and you will be there in the event there are issues with the future stepchildren or future husband. I think it will help her if she knows she can come to you with problems. (There indeed will be problems with teenage children and an ex-wife). Maybe, in time, if this is not good relationship for her; she will see it along with your guidance.
I personally could not keep this information from my daughter if she did not know; but careful consideration of the words you say to her will be appreciated in the future. Although, I haven't been met with this situation - I know this must be heart rending and I am thinking of you through this difficult time!
Quote from: Mama Tani on March 04, 2011, 09:55:14 PM
I personally could not keep this information from my daughter if she did not know; but careful consideration of the words you say to her will be appreciated in the future. Although, I haven't been met with this situation - I know this must be heart rending and I am thinking of you through this difficult time!
Now that would be different with me. If my YS was seeing someone and I found out she was married, and he didn't have a clue....I would have to find a way to have a conversation with him and let him know.
But if this man is a friend on her daughter's FB, she knows the situation already. Women are going to look at that status very quickly! ;D
I also think that we should express our concerns (red flags) to our children in regard to their relationships. I just happened to know my yd's boyfriend. She lives in another city and so does he. They came home for a visit and saw things I didnt like....A couple of times he got angry with her (dont know why) and just gave her the silent treatment. She spoke to him and he would not even see her. I wanted to vomit. He was just getting to know us (her family) why not just try to give a good impression. He couldn't care less. So I thought...how are things when they are alone? My God, I was truly worried. After they left...she called me and told me not to worry...that he had apologized to her for being such a jerk. She also mentioned that he was very good to her and that things where not like they seemed. Well, anyway...I am still worried
.
Of course I fought a lot with hubby when we were dating but never in front of my or his parents. Just venting.
She has seen his facebook page if they are dating I would imagine. I wouldn't mention it. Maybe he is separated but divorce not final? So that's why it still says married perhaps? I wouldn't be concerned about the age difference but yes, it's never good to rush a relationship to fast but she is 30 now so it's up to her how fast she moves. What I'm sure you are worried about is all those kids he has. That would be a lot for her to take on. Well, she can't help who she falls for even if he has all those kids. Hope it all works out o.k.