It hurts so much to be abandon by your own son. It always my daughter in law family always. secretly getting married
but her family knew and was there for that marriage. (We told him not to do something stupid like get married) but he
did. He wrote a notebook with lies about us and left it out for her parents to read. Finally after 11 years of married
in our books (really 15 years) they had Triplets. We talk and said that Mom be glad to help after babies were born, just
ask. Was she asked?? NO, which hurt and I was supposed to support her mother who stay with them over 3 years. Well
waiting gave up. So we went to see them and had to make appointments to see the Triplets, which hurt more because her
Mom was allow to see them no matter what. First to be in family Christmas pictures (which we call the (maiden name)
picture) Left out again. Hurt again. All holiday pictures taken with her family just so hurtful and we can't say anything.
We kept our mouth shut and feel the pain everytime. Now the big one, since the Triplets were born we been saving going
without. Planning and finally getting in the deal to go with them to Disney World, letting us months before so my husband
could get the time off. November they took off and went to Disney World with her parent without invisiting us. The pain
was the last one we can take. Never wrote them back because of the emptiness we feel. We know the Triplets were not at
fault for this and sent gift cards only for Christmas.
We are maintaning our silence now, we know.
Just so hurt and abandon by your own son, that you know you did better in teaching him right from wrong. Go with the
flow and forgets us altogether.
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Our goal is often to learn to let go of our very reasonable expectations. And to find a way though the pain and into re-establishing a balanced life. Our pain is not honored nor does it achieve any positive results. To the contrary, we are suffering from abuse and most of us need to learn to how to he since there is no way to change others.
My take is that you are moving in the right direct to do that and that coming here indicates you are ready to move on. You will get many different approaches as our members share their experiences with you. We don't give advise. None of us are licensed counselors but/and we know the hard road back to choice all too well. Sending hugs...
Oh, man, Chris, you are in good company here. How painful to have a dream cut off like that! Lots of us have strained relationships with our adult children (AC). In your case, was telling your son not to get married the game changer? Was he nice and reasonable before this and then suddenly changed or was he always difficult and perhaps mean spirited? It seems he took it as criticism and the new wife most likely knows what you advised him. It is difficult situation -- one I have done the same thing as you and it really angered one of my AC and the spouse. I suggest you read Dr Coleman's book, When Parents Hurt, there is a chapter about trying to make amends. It could be something to consider. I am not saying you were wrong in your advice just noting that it has snowballed into you two being on the outs.
It could also be that your son is the one with the problem or wants what he wants and doesn't like being told no or someone being rational with him. You will have to decide if toxic behavior is his norm or if you think feelings are hurt stemming from the wedding incident.
Most of us found peace here by accepting that things are the way they are and we can't change them. It is not how we want it but it is what it is. Expecting differently is our error and brings us heartache usually. There are lots of posts on here addressing estrangement and I hope you find some that resonate with you and help you move forward in whatever way you feel is best.
Yes, you will be inspired here Chris. Many here are much wiser than me -- I love this place!
You can't change their hurtful behavior but you can change how you react to it.
I experience estrangement from a sibling so I will share the tools I use for that. (Mind you it took me 50+ years to learn this. lol)
The relationship can't be fixed by one side only - Place the relationship "on the shelf." This means you're not throwing it away but you're not wasting your energy on it either.
Expect nothing. If you have no expectations you will not be disappointed.
Most of all be good to you. Seek out adventures to that YOU enjoy. Let your loving heart smile the way it was meant to.
we went through similar situation with my son. hurt many time, and badly, before backing away to save myself. as time passes, things seem to be getting better. not exactly what i planned or wanted. but we spend time together. we don't talk much - seems strange because he and i were always so close. but at least we spend time with his children. try not to dwell on things and hope for the changes to happen!
Welcome, C. Similar situation here, although it is getting better (gradually.)
What seems to help most of us is finding other meaningful things to put our energies into. I decided to get healthy by exercising and eating right (actually, a few of us here made a commitment together! It was fun and life-changing!) After losing weight and getting stronger, I could join my DH in activities we'd always wanted to do together. DH had been as confused as I over DS's abandonment of us, and it gutted him to see me in pain. As I became less sad, DH felt better too.
Still miss the old relationship w/DS, but I'm not feeling as hopeless now.