WiseWomenUnite.com

P.S.  At the time of my cut-off from DS/DIL, I would think that the healthy, caring reaction from DS would have been: You are obviously hurt, let's work this out.  Instead, I got: You are obviously hurt, I didn't do anything intentionally, facts are unclear, the problem is between you and DIL, etc.  Then DS dropped it and came back later with invitations for visits, as if nothing happened.   

My Christmas with a group of friends and acquaintances was (surprisingly) peaceful, fun, and satisfying.  I planned to go to this gathering to just stay out of the dumps emotionally, but it turned out to be a lot better than that.  I thought I would miss being with family (DS/DIL, GC), but I did not.  I think that speaks of the healing I've been experiencing as a result of cutting off the relationship with them this past year. 

My problem is that I feel that I'm being drawn in again by invitations to family gatherings.  I cut off the relationship with DS/DIL because my feelings and desires were not considered and instead DIL was getting more and more hostile and hurtful towards me (GC being used as pawn) and DS was looking the other way.  Now DS says he wants to patch things up, but he doesn't know what the issues are!?!  --even though I had previously explained myself in writing and he discounted what I said out of hand without discussing it with me.  My mind says give it another chance, explain better, etc.  But my gut says don't do it.  I feel utterly tired thinking about going through this again and not being validated and cared about.  There are real issues that need to be worked out, but by DS not "knowing" what they are seems like he is in total denial and that talking won't do much.  Over the years, I've brought up concerns and they were ignored.   

I am feeling very reluctant about engaging with DS and GC at this time, even if it's without DIL.  I don't want to be drawn in again emotionally when I have no confidence that anything has changed.  I think it will set me back emotionally when I feel I have been making strides in detaching.  But how will I know that my DS is sincere in reaching out to me to work out our problems?  He had been sincere in assuring me that I would have regular contact with GC, but DIL made sure to sabotage that by playing mind games and DS did nothing.  I would really appreciate some feedback on this from WW.  I need some clarity in taking a stand.   

I have been reassuring myself this week that no matter how Christmas turns out this year, I know there are ladies here who understand and are supportive, so I'm not alone in my emotions.  That is invaluable. 

Because of WWU, I am looking forward to positive changes (whatever that will look like!) I will make in the New Year to care for and please myself.  I have a lot to figure out, but I feel I'm aimed in the right direction.  Thank you!

Hi, Beachy, 
I'm sorry you are dealing with a jealous SIL.  Whether done consciously or not, it sounds like SIL is souring your family visits single-handedly by his acting out.  Is it possible to ignore his behavior and carry on visiting with your daughter and others, in essence not rewarding him by reacting to his poor behavior?  (Kinda like ignoring a moody teenager?)  I wonder what your DD thinks and how she copes with this situation.

Some of my family members have been known to throw a wrench into holidays by picking fights.  Unfortunately, what becomes memorable about the get together is the conflict that was caused by these people and not the warm fuzzies of a family gathering.  There is a payoff for them to do this (albeit a sick one), but the rest of us would have rather been someplace else having a nice time without the drama. 

I think it's wonderful that your DD continues to want to keep family ties with you.

Regarding my comment about modeling not accepting abuse, my intention is to bring to DS's attention that abuse IS going on.  I believe that DIL is generally abusive and that DS has normalized to it.  DS used to have good healthy boundaries and the skills to work out differences, but now he just seems to want to avoid conflict and I am collateral damage.  I left an abusive marriage when my DS was little because I did not want him to be raised the same as I was with an abusive parent and a "good" enabling parent.  I chose not to be the enabling parent for my DS so it breaks my heart to see the abusive cycle continue in his marriage and with my GC.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Evalyn.  Since it was fairly recent, you are going through a vulnerable and emotional time.  I imagine your DDs are sorting things out emotionally also.  Please be kind to yourself as you move through your grief and be around people who are supportive.  SS may have taken some things belonging to DH, but you have the memories and lasting richness of your relationship with DH that SS forfeited while DH was alive.   

Hi, WiB
In reading your post, I wonder if something specific has changed in your family for you to say: "now it is affecting my relationship with my brother and my parents and can't let that happen."  Could this be just a natural change, perhaps temporary, as when people become more preoccupied and busy with their careers and family?  Perhaps your brother and sis in law's children are becoming teenagers with the added angst/stress that causes them and it is affecting their interaction with you?  Or is something going on in your own life presently that makes this unrealized expectation more painful for you now?   

In my own experience, I was never close to my ILs.  We continued to meet at family gatherings and were cordial and supportive of each other, and that seemed okay with everyone. 

Almost every day, I question myself if I did the right thing in cutting off DS/DIL.  The answer is always yes, of course, it was abusive.  I'm still grieving the loss and the holidays don't help.  I'm finding I'm having trouble concentrating and being organized, and the house is messier.  I am getting done what I absolutely have to, and I think that will just have to be enough for the time being.  I am trying to get daily exercise for my physical and mental health. 

My DS and I are at an impasse.  He is just accepting the cut-off and being annoyed with me for it.  He is choosing not to deal with it.  But I had a new positive take on this today:   Although I can't talk to DS, I am modeling a healthy response for him, which is not to accept abuse.  That is the statement I am making by my absence. 

(How many more days til Christmas?!?)    

Additional thought:  My DIL ENJOYS conflict so I have learned to be nonreactive (loving detachment/gray rock).  Unfortunately, this is familiar to me because I have had close family that thrives on conflict.  They feel empowered by means of conflict to manipulate the emotions of other people and hurt them.  Very dysfunctional.

Justbreathe, I am mentioning this in case this type of dynamic is in your situation.  It may give you a head's up in case an alliance is being built between DIL and DD against you.  I hope I'm wrong. 

I agree with StillLearning--what she suggests is a much happier way to live than depending on what others may or may not do.  It brings back control over your own life. 

Instead of appreciating us (MILs) as a support system for them (DILs), we have become the competition or the enemy--as if the love and happiness is a finite quantity that must not be shared.  Our DILs feel bold to say what is on their minds, no matter how hurtful (or because it is hurtful?), because they CAN.  It is childish and cruel.  For me, it has been like death by a thousand paper cuts.

Don't feel pressured to do anything.  The holidays are a tough time so be kind to yourself. 

Justbreathe, I hope there is something you can relate to in my story. 

After a relatively short courtship, it seemed my DS married a smart, self-confident, friendly, nice woman.  The irony in that perception is that DIL turned out to be an insecure, jealous, manipulative, controlling wife and mother.  I don't fit into her picture because DS and I had a close and loving relationship--too much influence threatening her control, so she has driven a hard wedge between us, making DS choose between me and DIL (no contest there).

With that reality of the situation, my DS seems to have adjusted.  My DS does well in a structured environment, and I know DIL has provided such a structured life for them according to her desires.  Her ways are his ways, her FOO is his family, etc.  I'm sure DS is paying in other ways to make this work, but it is his choice.  (Sometimes it seems DS has sold his soul.)  With no communication or effort to consider my feelings and needs, it was a no-win situation for me.  But this realization came after YEARS of effort on my part.  Having cut contact, I am more peaceful now but still coping with a great loss.   

This went on so long because I was sorta satisfied with crumbs, always hoping the relationship would improve. My healing didn't start until I came out of denial regarding my son's role in all this.  A lot of grief followed, but it was a healthier place to be in facing reality. 

Please take good care of yourself, Justbreathe, and be sure to come up with some positive strategy to face the holidays.  I wish you peace.   

Pen,
As a newbie, I hope I don't sound too presumptuous with my comments, but I relate to the slights and the pain in your interaction with DS/DIL.  I want them to be nicer, kinder and loving to you.  I'm pulling for you. 

Pen, my guess is that after hearing about DIL and her FOO's plans in the coming days, you realize you don't have that give and take in the relationship.  Too bad they can't be more discrete and sensitive to your feelings, especially DIL since she knows you would like to see DIL/DS more often.  From your DIL's perspective, she probably does feel she sees you a lot (like, what more do you want?). 

The last holiday I went to with DIL/DS and DIL's FOO (which was a rare occurrence), I was confused that hardly anyone spoke with me. My previous interactions with the FOO had been fairly friendly.  In retrospect, I suspect DIL poisoned the well beforehand because DIL was not the one who extended the invitation to me and she resented my presence.  I only recently found out what lies DIL is capable of and the hate she has towards me so it makes sense that DIL has said some foul things behind my back.

Your situation sounds different from mine in that there seems to be change in a positive direction and you may be able to continue to build on that.  If you can overlook their lack of tact and insensitivity.

One day after, I'm glad I had something planned with a group for Thanksgiving.  I ended up being supportive of an older woman who was going through some hard challenges (she was very appreciative).  It was a pleasant gathering, in contrast to the stress/drama/rejection if I had spent the time with DS/DIL.   I woke up this morning feeling emotionally stronger and am more hopeful about a good Christmas.   

HI, M.  I would be interested in hearing more of your story and what brings you here.  I had a rocky relationship with my DS during his teenage years but was relieved when we came out at the end liking each other.  I even learned DS admired and respected me for what I went through to support us and raise him.  Long story short, his loyalty is now with his controlling, manipulative wife, the mother of my GC, who is willing to be (takes pleasure in) abusive to see me gone.  I finally jumped my last hoop and decided nothing was worth the abuse.  It's very sad to see DS acclimated to the craziness of his wife and life.  My life has become more peaceful and manageable since I disengaged.  This is still pretty new for me so I have a lot to figure out.