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Thanks guys, that really helped. I told my husband well see how this year goes. I worry so much about allergies because I have issues there too (I'm also allergic to dogs (I can handle certain dogs better then other)) and also had anaphylactic shock where my throat swelled causing issues breathing due to a spider bite. So allergies have always scared me a lot since then. We're actually hoping in the future to do a big family thing at our house on Christmas day in the future so our son can see all his grandparents and doesn't have to switch each year.

I'm really hoping everything goes well this year, I want that good relationship with my MIL back.

Hello Luise,

I know you guys can't but I value all your opinions since I am still rather young and this is my first child I don't want to be unreasonable either. My husband wants to go there since the allergist said it's okay if we take precautions, and my MIL will be cleaning well and getting the carpet shampooed before we come. Plus she already rented a hotel for us to stay in. He figures we'd always only be at MIL house(most the time we will be spending time at the hotel) for about three hours and says if are son has issues we can leave right away. I worry because my son allergics still, but I know I sometimes I over worry being a first time mom (and I use to have anxiety issues in the past). 

My husband doesn't like how much I worry and things I'm being unreasonable. Our marriage is normally pretty good except for when my MIL comes visits or we go see here since we always seem to end up fighting. I feel like everyone is trying to please MIL always and doesn't think of my son. However, my MIL and I do tend to butt heads also and have had issues ever since I became pregnant (before that we got along pretty great actually). So I think I'm also wondering why so much has changed in our relationship. I think it is somewhat my fault here because to me she not being grandma as much as mom sometimes. And in her defense while she does have another grandchild she also has custody of him (my BIL had a child in hs so his parents took custody) so it maybe hard to get use to the role of just grandmother.

I think this also bother my husband a lot since my MIL and me got along good before I was pregnant. And it's also adding stress on him because he feels like he can't please everyone and he thought this was the best solution. My MIL also feels like were keeping her grandson alway from her since he hasn't been to her house ever since we found out he had an allergy to dogs. Before that his ezcema just broke out worse when we went there, but was better after a few days again.

Thanks,
Starfire

Hey everyone,

The dinner and the opening presents there was supposed to be the compromise, no one listened to how I felt though. One of the German Shepreds recently passed away. I talked to his allergist and she said we could go but what to bring (including allergy medicine, steriods, and his epi- pen). This sadly did not make me feel any better due to her saying we had to bring all that especially the epi- pen even if it's for worse case possible. I don't want to keep worrying for Christmas .My MIL says she'll clean well before and the dogs (The other German and the Corgi puppy they got) will be locked away. My husband and I keep fighting about this especially due to the allergist saying we could go since she's the professional. I just can't help being worried (the stress keeps making me get infections), my son means the world to me. I know all you said not to go but it's getting to the point where this is going to destroy my marriage. I'm at a lost of what to do.

Thanks,
Starfire

Thank you! Green Thumb your point about him being verbally attacked if he goes against his mother is very true. I remember one time after she hurt me due to what she said, his response was along the lines of "Get over it, she does that to everyone, but she doesn't mean to hurt anyone." I then asked if she ever hurt him, and he looked sad and nodded yes. I honestly wonder if he has gotten over what his mother has said in the past. I also agree it's probably easy to make me mad then her. Since she seems to make him feel truly guilty by playing the how much she hurt him card. I also do feel very powerless and like I don't have a voice, our relationship tends to go very well... until we see his mother again then we fight for a few weeks after.

That was my opinion I don't understand why it's so difficult to come to our house. And now she's asking about Thanksgiving. Since my husband's family lives two hours we tend to switch off each year going to my family one year for Christmas and his to Thanksgiving and then the opposite next year. We plan it around when my uncle, aunt and their family come down, because I love them so much and want to see them. They do this same schedule. Well this year since they didn't mention anything until Thanksgiving until yesterday (and asked about this weekend) and in the past we never did anything I made plans for our weekends. My parents are divorced and my father going to a football game on Thanksgiving so we need to plan another weekend for it. Anyways my point is we have many plans and my husband could see how much I was stressing trying to figure out how to rework things so lucky he said he'll tell his parents were busy this time.

Thank you all for everything.

Thank you all for your replies, I'm so glad to know I'm not being unreasonable, which is how my MIL tends to make me feel. I will always protect my son, but I never expected I would have to from his grandmother. Is there a way to explain this to her without creating drama or anger? I honestly am getting to the point where I don't care if she's upset with me but I know that's not good for my DH or son so I do my best to make sure I think over what to say before saying what I am thinking in the heat of the moment, since it may not come out the best. How to I explain we want to have a Christmas with them, since family is very important but we are just trying to make sure my son can enjoy (and not become seriously ill or have to go to the hospital) Christmas also? I'm so tired of stressing of this, it's getting to the point where I want to break down and cry because I feel like in the family (including with my DH) if we don't go by what she wants then we anger her and it creates drama which she brings my DH into and has him apologies to her.

Thank you so much Luise. I however am now having another issue I don't know how to deal with. We are supposed to go down to my MIL for Christmas. She has two German Shepards and is getting a Corgi. My son is highly allergic to dogs. Just seeing her the other day and her holding him caused his eczema to come back. He also has horrible eczema when this happens and itches like crazy. My hope was they could come to our house however MIL, FIL, BIL and family did not agree to that. So we're supposed to come down there stay in a hotel and then come over for dinner and presents. I understand it's family time but I was hoping we could open presents at the hotel and maybe eat there too do to my son being so allergic to dogs. I just rather not risk anything but MIL will not agree to it. What should I do?

Hello,

I agree stay out of it, sadly most times we want to vent but really don't want advice. It could make the situation worse.

However, it is my personal view that it was okay for your daughter to send that text if her husband was hurt. Yes most times I'd agree he should, but since they are family and are creating a family together. She wouldn't want to see her husband hurt and will probably want to stand up for him, plus in that moment if she didn't and he did the situation could of got worse with how heated he may of been. That is just my view though, I do always thinks it depends on the situation.

I wish you good luck and I say just enjoy your grandchild and try to stay out of the situation.

Hope I helped some,
Starfire

Luise thank you so much for your reply. It really means a lot to me. I wish my husband was like that but he isn't. The weird thing is his parents don't have much to do with him either unless it's on their schedule. I really feel bad since I still almost talk to my mother daily and he is super close to my step father. And when she stays out of the picture for a bit, our relationship is great however after we see or talk to her our relationship has issues. They don't like driving up here even though they drive hours for their other grandson hockey games. Also our son since he is only one it takes a lot more to get him to go down there and back in the same day normally making him upset. I tried explaining this to them but they don't see it that way. The worst though is since my MIL is a nurse my DH listens to her on everything. Both my mother and me have been worried about his health since he repeatedly just falls asleep the minute he's supposed to do something. Last winter it happened twice when he was supposed to put our dog outside. It was snowing luckily after a few minutes I've learned to check especially with my dog or son. His mother told him to take a vitamin and he'd be fine. I asked him to see a doctor since he hasn't in over 6 years and we have insurance. Well it's still happening but his mother told him to have a vitamin so that's what he keeps doing.

It causes many issues since this isn't the first time it happened. It's causing issues in our relationship. I feel like he is picking his mother side also but he doesn't see it that way. She does have him apologies to her when he does something wrong through even through we find out what she believes we did wrong through my FIL always since she has him call to tell us so we can apologies to her. I really don't see why she can't call us instead. I feel like I'm dealing with a child.

Pooh,

Thank you for your reply. That's how I feel but he seems to think standing up for me is making him pick a side and that I shouldn't be as sensitive about his mother since "That's the way she is." I don't believe it is making him pick a side though I was raised that if you have nothing nice to say you shouldn't say anything at all. However, it's getting to the point where it's difficult for me to not say anything back however I know that would just case a fight with my DH, FIL and BIL.

However, I'm also scared if it leads to the point of divorce with her threats since she already took guardianship over her other grandson (with my BIL is fine with) and had my BIL and my nephew live with her. She loves when my nephew use to call her mom and they taught him to call his mother rather horrible words that I will not post here.

Thank you,
Starfire

Hello,

Here's my take my parents are divorced my father always loved the bottle more than me. Due to my father issue with drinking I distanced myself from him and became very close to my mother. She was the one there for me. I don't think we stay for the parent that has caused us heartache as much as we stay for the parent that has always been there for us. However we still worry about the parent who has hurt us.We grow up being their parent in a way so it's also difficult to leave them but it's not due to love it's due to us feeling we're responsible for them.

That's at least how I feel.

Thanks,
Starfire

Hello Everyone,

At the start my MIL and I had an okay relationship, we didn't have many problems but I wouldn't call us close either. That all changed when I became pregnant. Awhile into my pregnancy I was put on bed rest due to my OBGYN worried about the water weight I was gaining and having early contractions. Needless to say my MIL was not happy she told me "You're not handicap your just pregnant." I didn't know how to respond back so I didn't but being an emotional pregnant woman it really hurt me. We also normally have to visit them they rarely will visit us.

Things became worse when she came to my shower, not only did she ignore my friends, she also stayed at our place which didn't bother me at first. However, after the shower a few friends and her came back to our place by this point I couldn't even reach my feet I was so far a long and the water weight made me very heavy.(I gained over 50 pounds in water weight... preeclampsia runs in my family). However my feet were very dry since I also have eczema so I asked my DH if he would mind putting lotion on my feet. My MIL told me to do it myself. My best friend did which made my MIL more upset. Our apartment was also very hot due to me being cold when pregnant and having horrible allergies so not being able to open windows due to most being outdoor and it was the summer. She would not stop getting angry at me over it. My friends and me finally left with me crying. My friends were furious especially since my DH wouldn't come with nor stand up for me.

I was hoping when we had out son that things would get better sadly they haven't. She continues to insult me (She blames me for not being close with my son (I think it's due to the face she's only seen him about 5 times since his birth and he's over a year old and said I don't want a war with her because she will win when I suggested she play with him instead of holding him into her arms right away (so now he cries every time she holds him since she has never played with him)), try to control my husband life (he was supposed to stay a weekend with me to celebrate my birthday since I'm in a wedding on my birthday so my mom planned everything because she wanted to do something special. But then his mom wanted him down there so now he won't be celebrating with me. It wouldn't bother me as much but it seems like when we have plans his mother always has to have him come that weekend.) and told me my doctor advice is wrong and that I'm wrong for following it even though I do a lot of research on the issues. The biggest problem is it's destroying my husband and my marriage any advice would help greatly.

Thanks,
Starfire

Bamboo-

I want to start out by saying you sound like an amazing and strong woman, but just from reading what you wrote I can tell this situation is taking a toll on you. I think the best thing for you at the moment is distance, however let her know that if she ever needs you, you'll be there. Explain though you will not accept this man with how he is treating her because she means so much to you and you can't stand watching someone treat her that way. Let her know that while it may be good at times if it gets to the point where she has to call the police it is not worth it. She may want to take care of him but in the long wrong it will hurt them both so it be better ending it sooner for both of them. I think at the moment she needs tough love. When I was that age I thought I knew best too, enjoy the peace and I hope things get better.

Good Luck.