March 28, 2024, 02:00:16 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Susan E.

16
"I've had expectations and it has led to a lot of disappointment."
Some of my expectations are so deeply ingrained from the way my parents raised me, it's hard to let them go.  I always treated both of my parents with love and respect, and always with civility.  That's just the way it was, and the way I still believe it should be.  I moved out of state and across the country with my first husband when I was in my 20's and I never forgot birthdays or Mothers Day or Fathers Day - always sent a card and/or a phone call.  It just seems odd to me that we, as mothers, should not expect our children to regard us with even the minimum of respect.  Mine can keep the gifts and the cards (I don't get those either anymore ).   But I expect them to treat me with respect; I don't assume that they will, and I can't demand or force them (which would be disrespectful to them).  I know in my heart that I am not undeserving of their respect.  But I have reluctantly accepted that they don't have the same respect for me as I did for my parents.  I wonder what are we teaching their children and the rest of society if they see us accepting their  indifference and abuse?  They don't have the guts to tell me, but I assume my two AC blame me for their failures and have estranged from me because I refuse to live by their rules of "entitlement".  I also uphold the role of being their MOTHER, not their "friend".  So - it is what it is.  I can't change it. 
DM, I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist.  Your post sounds like you've been "wading through the muck" and now setting foot on firm ground.  (((hugs)))   LP
17
Hi Dedicated Mom --- sending lots of hugs your way.  It still amazes me how similar our situations are that preceded the silence we now endure. 
Please hang in there, and think again about seeing a therapist.  I think you'll be surprised how good you will feel after talking out loud to someone who really listens - it's a "cleansing" experience. It's not healthy to keep holding on to all the anger and sad thoughts.  Before I joined this group I looked on the web for any information I could find about adult daughters who estrange from their mother, and in addition to finding Wise Women Unite, I also found an E-book that I would like to recommend:  "Free Mother to Good Home:  A handbook and survival guide for good parents, stepparents, grandparents who find themselves underappreciated, under-loved, and overwhelmed", by Kay Taylor.  I think the book is also mentioned on WWU under recommended reading.  It helped me to see beyond what I was feeling at the moment, and to examine the "story".  Now I refuse to continue taking all the blame for the crappy childhood my ADs think they had, or for all the issues they have now that keep them acting like immature spoiled brats instead of adult women.  If and when either of them should contact me and want to reconnect, I will not unless and until they can show me at least the same respect, courtesy and honesty that I have extended to them.  Life is too short, and I don't have time for anything less.
Your job as their caretaker is finished and you've done your best as a mother.  You are not their doormat.  It's time to respect and love yourself for a change.  ((((hugs)))))  LP
18
Quote from: luise.volta on June 30, 2014, 12:14:23 PM
What changed for me, and it took time, was realizing it was abuse and I deserved better.

I often wonder how long the silence will continue.  My youngest AD stopped communicating about 3 years ago.  That was totally unexpected, and it made it all the more painful.   With my oldest AD, the silent treatment this year has now lasted 4 months so far - nearly the same time frame as last year's silent treatment.  The oldest AD and I have always had a difficult relationship - seems like from the moment she figured out, as a little girl, how she could run to her father and get his approval for anything she wanted.  Her father and I divorced when the girls were little.  He quickly remarried and started another family.

Sometimes I wonder how I would respond, if either one should suddenly contact me and want to reconnect.  I realized it all depends on which one contacts me.  The youngest one - I would welcome back into my life with open arms.  She is sweet and lovable, feisty and determined.  She has never asked for anything, and when I offered to help she turned it down, preferring to take care of the matter herself.   I like her. The oldest one - I don't think so.  She has asked for money, and the "forgot" to pay me back the first time.  The second, and last time, I loaned her money she got really nasty with me when I insisted on her repaying me (I was in between jobs and needed the money back).  She is needy/demanding, a liar, and lazy.  She only gives for the sole purpose of getting something in return.  I don't trust her.  She has caused me the most pain and sleepless nights.  I loved her as a baby and little girl, but I'll admit that I honestly do NOT like what she has become.  And I realize now after reading Luise's quote, that what she has been doing to me is a form of abuse.

Last summer, after a brief visit that ended on a sour note because I refused to loan her money again (and I asked her to return my house key that I had given to her while I visited my brother out of state) she sent me an email and accused me of pushing her away every time she tried to get "close" to me; and then she turned around in the next sentence and said that if I ever decide I want to be a part of her life, I know where I can find her. 

I've tried the friendly, hospitable M/D relationship with her, and it doesn't work.  We've made plans - I'll invite her and GD over to my house for dinner the following weekend, she agrees to be here, say at 2:00 pm Saturday.  So Thurs/Fri night i go shopping and spend extra $$ for a nice dinner and dessert.   2:00 pm Saturday - she calls me.  They're not going to make it.  Something has come up.  A couple of times it's because her father has suddenly invited her over and it conflicts with what WE had planned, so she says to me, "I didn't think our plans were definite", and asks what am I doing tomorrow?  or next weekend?  This has happened REPEATEDLY, so many times now that I believe it's deliberate, passive/aggressive abuse.

During a visit or phone conversation, I'm walking on eggshells because she's easily offended and takes everything personally.  We can't have a regular conversation or discussion without her taking something I said that was totally unrelated to her directly, twisting it around and accusing me of offending her. 

I've decided that enough is enough.  It takes days or even weeks for me to calm down and relax after being around her.  So --- I've decided that reaching out to her is not in my best interest.  And if she should contact  me, I will hold her at arm's length and tell her SHE needs to make an effort to treat me with courtesy, honesty and respect before I agree to reconnect with her.  I don't think that conversation will end well - she'll accuse me of not being courteous, respectful to her, etc. etc. etc. and around and around we'll go.  So, what's the point.  The silence is comforting.
19
Lost Mom -  hugs to you.  I know what you mean about the baggage, and especially now when I've seen my oldest AD treat me in a manner that is very similar to the way that her father did.  Seems like I've spent the last 3 weeks or so trying to focus on "the moment" and then something will trigger a memory from that period of my life that I thought I had locked away forever.  Then all the old memories, the old anger, come boiling up.   The abuse, games and manipulation didn't end when I divorced my first husband.  There's much more to tell, and some day I will share it.  I just don't want to go there right now.  I gave up so much for the love of my kids, all the while hoping it reassured them of my love for them.  Apparently, it didn't really matter.  I wish I had known back then how all of it would turn out.  It's hard not to be bitter some days.  But I'm a stronger person now than I was 40 years ago.  I've learned the hard way to speak up - and I do.  I refuse to be the doormat that I used to be.  I think that's probably part of what has them (the ADs) so ticked off.  So, I'm getting off this computer now or I'll be here til midnight.  Hugs to all of you.  LP

********************
Lucy P, sounds like your life was simiar to mine minus the military moves!! I was married to a very abusive man and scare to leave as well.  When I finally got the nerve to leave, the courts gave custody of my 2 girls to this man!! Why, because I was a bartender and had another son from a previous marriage and had an affair during our marriage and did not set a good example for my girls.... even though I walked into court for the hearing with 2 black eyes, a busted knee cap, broken jaw and 36 stiches in my head. I fought for 6 years to get my girls back.
20
I didn't realize until years later that my parents had not done me any favors by "protecting" (controlling) me when I was a teenager - my father was the disciplinarian and my mom was the criticizer.  I was very self-conscious, had low self-esteem, and felt like I was supposed to agree with everyone, or not care, and heaven forbid if I did something to make anyone angry.  I was afraid to stand up for what I truly wanted.  I was 22 years old the first time I got married.  I "went along" with whatever he wanted to do, or wherever he wanted to go.  Or if he wanted to go out without me, I didn't complain.  He was in the last year of his military service when we married, so we lived in my home state.  When his tour was over, we relocated across the country to his home state.  I went along with this without giving much thought what I was getting in to.  I just thought I was supposed to do whatever my husband told me to do.  Two months after we had moved, I was pregnant.  After my first daughter was born, I know now - looking back - that I was depressed.  And then my husband began to criticize me.  That evolved into calling me names or laughing at me, then treating me like I was stupid.  Two years later, my second daughter was born.  The verbal and emotional abuse continued and escalated, and then he began to get physically abusive against me - and I took it without a word.

He and I did not agree on parenting - how to handle the girls when they misbehaved.  I wanted to give them a time-out, or I would tell them "no".  He thought I should allow them to do whatever they wanted, and with no consequence.  So the girls learned to run to him every time I said "no", and of course, he would lecture me in front of the kids and then tell them to go ahead and do what they wanted.  He would then accuse me, in front of our young daughters, of not loving them.  "You don't love these girls", or telling me what a terrible mother I was.  I endured this for 6 or 7 years, wanting to leave, but afraid to.  He finally had an affair with a woman he knew from work, and we divorced.  It seemed like that only made things worse in regard to the kids.  They would spend every other weekend with him, and they would come home with such nasty attitudes and disrespect toward me that it would take me a good week to get them back on track.  I made mistakes, but I never abused my girls, and I loved them very much.  I jumped through hoops for them, and made sacrifices for them (another chapter in my story to be told).  I guess my point is, a few weeks ago I was thinking about reasons why my ADs, especially the oldest, treat me now with such contempt and disrespect, and why neither one wants any contact with me - and I suddenly realized, it's because they watched and heard their father being disrespectful and abusive to me!  They learned it from him.  I don't "jump" anymore when they want something.  Wow - they're in their 40s and still act like their 6 years old, or at least, they expect me to bow to their demands like when they were little.  Realizing this was a real "light-bulb" moment for me.
21
Yup - been there, done that.  I have 2 AD in their 40's.  Youngest (YD) estranged herself from her sister for several years - though she still kept in touch with me.  Then out of the blue 3 years ago, she responded to my Christmas dinner email with "if you haven't figured it out by now.... ".  Totally unexpected and upset me.  My attempts to contact her were ignored, so I let her go - still love her and miss her, but I can't change the way someone else feels about me. Then my oldest daughter, our "relationship" has always been difficult (more on that sometime when I feel like digging it all up).  Last year - Mother's Day came and went w/o a phone call, no email, no card - nothing.  I took that as a sign of disrespect from her (and manipulation), and didn't feel like getting into another dramatic argument, so I kept to myself.  Low and behold, she shows up on my doorstep 3 months later - really not expecting to find me at home (I had finally quit my job and retired, and she knew nothing about it).  She acted like nothing had happened between us - like I imagined all of this?  Her reason for the visit - she lost her job, actually - got fired for unexcused absences.  Looking back now, I believe she was planning to ask me for money, because when in the course of the conversation I mentioned I wasn't working anymore her whole attitude changed.  Suddenly she needed to leave.  That night I received a scathing email from her basically accusing me of causing this "unhealthy" relationship, and told me if I ever decide to be in her life again, I know where she is.  A couple months later she decides she wants me in her life, and things were ok for awhile.  Several times over the next few months I would invite her over for dinner and 5 minutes before I expected her to knock on my door, she'd call and cancel.   So dinner would go in the freezer or in the trash.  This year - Mother's Day comes and goes - ditto.  Same thing as last year.  Not a word.  I'm tired of the drama, tired of the mind games, the lies, jumping through hoops, keeping my mouth shut, walking on eggshells.  I've had it.  I'm crossing the line from being angry to just not caring anymore.  I have no intention of contacting her.  I try to look at this whole thing as a part of my life that is behind me.  I live alone, thousands of miles away from the little bit of real family I have left.  Am I "free"?  I don't know - maybe not quite there yet.  I think I'm grieving the time, and energy, and all that I gave up trying to be the "good mother".  My "freedom" will come the day I wake up and not feel like the past 40-plus years were a total waste.
22
Hi Luise, and thanks.  I have been lurking and reading posts in this forum for several weeks, and when I registered my membership I "followed the rules" and read the home page and Read Me First.  My user name, Lucy P., is miles away from my real name - I have a long story to tell, and one day when I have nothing else to do I will post my story.  For the time being, I'm content to read the posts/responses from other members in the Adult Sons/Daughters forum.
23
Hi lokin4answer ---  a big hug for you.  I haven't experienced anything with my ex(s) that is similar to your situation.  I read your previous posts, and I get the impression that there's a lot of anger being directed at you from the AC and the XH.  My take is it's because after 30-some years, you're now standing up and taking care of yourself and living YOUR life the way you want to live it.  Good for you! They're laying the pressure on thick, and using all the tricks in the book, trying to make you feel GUILTY for stirring up the pot.  Remember, your AC have learned a lot about you over the years - from observing how your X has treated you and how you reacted.  Finally realizing this was primarily the reason why my 2 AD treat me the way they do was a huge light-bulb moment for me. I know this is a difficult situation, but be proud of yourself for all that you've accomplished, been through so far, and please don't give up or change your mind because of them pressuring you.  You're absolutely right.  Life is way too short, so live it and enjoy it the way you want to - not how someone else says you should.