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QuoteI really decided, I will not give in to his bad behavior. I don't deserve it and neither does my DH.

Ataloss you have a healthy attitude. 

I find that my relationships with my adult children are still evolving.  When my daughter graduated college she never moved home.  She remained out of state.  I rarely heard from her.  I chalked it up to "no news is good news" (she wasn't asking me for any money) and let her be.  Over the years I saw a gradual change.  Right now she calls about once a week and chats at length about what's going on.  She's been married a year and now she's pregnant.  I thought I would hear from her more often now that she's pregnant but I don't and that's okay.  I'm keeping my expectations low.  She knows I'm here (well, long distance, by phone) if she needs me.

I do think that technology has impacted relationships via communication.  Although text messages leave a lot to be desired, it is a way of maintaining some connection with family.  I have a niece who lives on the other side of the country and we text everyday.  I actually communicate with her more than my own kids. 

Lilly - I'm checking in here late & hoping you are doing well.  I had a situation with my son a few years ago and sought help for myself to deal with it because I knew I couldn't help my son.  I will never ever forget crying in the counselor's office fearing that my son would end up in the streets.  I believe that was my darkest moment of parenting. 

We can't fix what our kids decide to do.  The best thing we can do as parents is to let them go and let them fail if that is the only way they will finally hit bottom and get it. 

I hope you have found happy moments in other corners of your life as you endure these difficult times.  ((hugs))

I am sorry he is so selfish.  It sounds like he and his wife are well matched.  I would remove his cell phone from your account and would not initiate any more contact with him. 

Place this relationship on the shelf and find peace.  Enjoy the healthy relationships you have in your life and smile again.  ((hugs))

Hmmmm.....  Well, I do "love" these family members -- how could I not?  I shared my childhood with them.... But I also recognize for 30+ years I have been subject to being treated like a doormat or I was ignored all together.  For years and years I tried to fix it, but finally I woke up & grew wiser and let it go.  No longer do I have expectations.  Makes all the difference.  And living far away from them helps a lot too. 

I guess your son decided to throw himself a major pity party.  Good for you for not accepting the invitation to attend.  I'm glad you recognize you're not responsible for his attitude.  Hang in there. 

Yay!!  You are in control of what you see and not see on FB.  There is no reason why you shouldn't be a part of this social media.  I know I find out lots of stuff about my S and DIL because she writes about everything.  Fortunately I'm not dealing with negative stuff, but if I were I would simply adjust my settings -- just like we can do with our lives. 

Thankfully your MIL brought a son into this world who is nothing like his mother.  You will get through this.  You are capable of remaining stable and calm regardless of the holiday circus that may surround around you.  Keep that in mind and everything will be alright.  Build healthy memories this holiday season and discard the rest.

Sending you huge ((((hugs)))).  How sad that this has taken place.  Facebook can connect us with others far away and be a good and positive thing but once in awhile it is used for toxic purposes. 

Distance the toxicity.  Protect your loving heart.  Keep healthy boundaries and live your life. 

How true!!  We are fortunate to have each other. 

Sending (((hugs))) to you Concernmother. 

Although our parenting role is complete, watching our adult children struggle is even more difficult now because it involves more than our adult child.  It involves a spouse/partner and their children too.

Your DIL has great respect for you and for your son.  What a great story - thanks for sharing it Luise and enjoy visiting your friend (and your son.)

Thank you for your responses....  There's a reason why this forum is called "wise" women unite.  And once again you have proven why this is so.    

Pen posted a response on another thread:

"We mothers of sons often get criticized for behavior that is considered normal for mothers of daughters." 

This is so true.  But why?  I find myself hesitating before I say something to my daughter-in-law but don't hesitate to say something to my daughter...  I know my daughter will simply tell me to mind my own business in her own way and I'll get the message and stop.  But I don't have that comfort zone with my son coupled with that level of familiarity with my daughter-in-law -- I don't think it's my place to expect that of her. 

I second guess what I say to my son/daughter-in-law, but not so much with my daughter...

Any thoughts???

"We mothers of sons often get criticized for behavior that is considered normal for mothers of daughters."   

Pen, you are so right.  Why is it that way?  I'm bringing this to a new topic.....

Speaking as a recent MIL....  I am still dancing happily because I am thrilled that my kids found someone who loves them to the moon and back.  I don't agree with everything my kids are doing with their day to day lives but that's okay.  My job is done.  It's on their shoulders now.

Focus on your marriage.  How wonderful your fiance is so welcomed into your family.  Find peace in that and stay away from toxic behavior.  It is unfortunate that your fiance's mom does not recognize how lucky she is that her son has found "the one."  You can't control that.  But you can control how you and your fiance decide to build your lives together.

Perhaps over time your future MIL will "get it."  But maybe not.  Your compassion and support for your fiance will help you both get through whatever those times are ahead. 

And I can't help but think there's a very good reason why her daughter decided to elope....   

(((Hugs)))