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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - PatiencePlease

Grab Bag / Re: My Life Now
December 06, 2015, 06:04:50 PM
Thank you for sharing your valuable (and healthy) perspective with us. 

Wishing you a speedy recovery & happy healing.  :)
Ditto what others have posted.  If you don't protect your son's interests, who will?  I would simply and calmly explain to MIL your concerns about your son's health & add these words "as a mother, I'm sure you understand my concerns and why this decision is necessary."  If she chooses to disagree & wants to argue about it simply don't engage with her.  Your son needs you.

I do hope you find ways to talk to your husband about how you feel about his mother's need to control & how it seems to you your husband doesn't set healthy boundaries.  Do you think you might suggest marriage counseling to him?  It doesn't mean you are failing at marriage.  It means your marriage is worth saving & needs a realignment.  A marriage consists of two partners; both your MIL and husband need to understand that.

Keep us posted.  I wish you the best.
Jeannine, I love your attitude.  Enjoy Christmas with your friend.  I hope you continue to share your updates.  You inspire.
Thank you for all the responses.  I just wanted to follow up months later.  Should my SILs mom try to involve me, I will remain neutral and not give opinions because it's simply not my place to do so.

Thank you all!  WWU ladies rock! 🙂
Here's an update & it's not good.  :(

The relationship between mother and son has taken a turn for the worse.  His mom showed up unannounced at their house - thankfully my daughter was not home so she was not involved.  Mother and son are at a stalemate.  His mom will not forgive him or my daughter for not allowing a visit at the time of the baby's birth.  My son-in-law again proposed that they agree to disagree and move on but his mom won't. 

Please know I didn't ask for this information.  My daughter relayed this to me and I simply listened without asking any questions -- I really don't want to know their business.

So now there is no contact with his parents.   In my eyes, the grand baby is a casualty in all this because there is no opportunity available to get to know the paternal grandparents (the rest of his family is in touch, however).

I want to say something to my daughter to point this out, but know I can't.  (I hate keeping my mouth shut but I am doing it.  lol) 

As an aside, I did mention to my daughter that I was doing my Christmas baking and would be shipping out cookies as usual.  My daughter thought it was not a good idea for me to send the cookies to her husband's parents this year as I have done in the past.  I disagreed with her and pointed out I am not involved in this dispute and won't be placed in the middle.  Cookies will be sent out as usual.  :)

I so wish this whole thing would get resolved.  I do understand that we all need to keep toxic controlling people at arm's length if we have to do so.   But.... this grand baby deserves to be surrounded by ALL grandparents.  Ugh. 

I'm so glad WWU exists so I can vent here.  It truly helps me keep my mouth shut around my daughter.  lol

Thanks for listening.  Again. 
In short, my mom is slowly dying from cancer.  She lives with my dad in their house.  They've been married 68 years.  I live out of state but happily do take many road trips to spend days with them at a time.  (Family does live close by to my parents  -- together we are able to cover my parents' needs)

Mom's mind -- which at one time was amazingly sharp and could recall every single mistake I made (and dated) from years ago -- is failing her now.  She often bickers with my dad about day-to-day stuff due to her growing confusion.  Dad gets frustrated and angry with her and bickers back.  It could (and sometimes does) go on and on....

This last visit I witnessed something so very sweet...  At 2:30 in the morning when my mom needed assistance in the bathroom, my dad was at her side, gently talking with her and helping her along until she is able to go back to sleep again. 

And that is where I found the light among this ugly darkness.  My parents' long term love has been amazing and continues to inspire.

Just had to share this and I am so happy this site has a place for the "miscellaneous" -- the stuff life is made of. 
Thank you all for responding and sharing your thoughts.  You're absolutely right.  It's not my place to be involved.  I raised my kids and that job is done.  Should my daughter ask for my opinion I will simply say that I have every confidence she and her husband will figure things out for themselves.  Period.

When I think about it, over the years when I've complained about my in-laws to my mom, my mom simply listened, offering no opinions.  I just needed a place to vent and my mom has always been a great nonjudgmental listener.  My husband handled his family drama - I stayed out of it and, in turn, he stayed out of my family's drama.  And now it's our turn to stay out of our kids' drama.

Thanks again ladies.  I knew WWU was the right place to bring my question. :)
Thank you Shiny.  I always welcome others perspectives because sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees....   My "let's fix this" mode kicked in again...  lol    I won't utter a word. 

Let me ask you this:  If my daughter brings it up again when I see her and wants my advice, do you feel it would be okay to gently give my advice?  or should I say:  "This is your issue to work out with your husband.  My opinion does not matter." 

Thanks for your input. It is appreciated.
I am convinced there is no wiser place for advice and guidance than WWU....

My daughter & her husband gave birth to their first child this year.  They set boundaries when their child was born which I respected but was surprised to see....   they wanted a week alone (no hospital visits, no nothing) before ANY one came to see the baby.  (Back in the day my house was Grand Central Station for two months - company every single day.  lol)  I accepted their boundaries but also told my daughter this was unusual.  She was very okay about my sharing my opinion.  It hasn't been brought up since then.

However, the other set of grandparents are still struggling with their son and my daughter's decision months later.  They still bring it up.  My son in law has tried to get them to "agree to disagree" but it's not working. This past week, his father posted something ugly on FB about the situation.  My daughter, in reaction to her husband's being upset with the FB post, texted her mother in law "your husband just posted something totally inappropriate on FB."

I think my daughter overstepped boundaries by sending that text to her mother in law.  I think her husband should have been the one to send the text and my daughter should just butt out.

My daughter called me yesterday and told me about all about how this played out.  They (my daughter & husband) have decided they are not seeing his parents for any holidays based on the nastiness her father in law posted on FB and the nastiness he texted to his son.  (It was pretty bad; I will say that....)  I fell silent & didn't offer any opinion because I don't like having these conversations over the phone.  I'm old fashioned and like face to face.  :)   

I will be seeing my daughter in one week and I would like to tell her I think she should have let her husband text his mother and that my daughter should have stayed out of the situation. 

Do you ladies agree?  If you can offer any advice/perspective I certainly would appreciate it.  Please know I have NO desire to get in the middle of this drama -- I simply want to gently advise my daughter.

As always, thank you!!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Mothers??
September 05, 2015, 07:39:57 AM
Just another perspective:  I think it may have to do with their self-perceived duty  to try to "fix" their parents -- they want to make everything "right."     Parents who are plugging along in life with no issues don't need their children's attention or efforts because these parents are doing just fine without them. 
Thank you for your replies Luise & Green Thumb.

Please know that it is not that easy for me to keep my mouth closed when it comes to sharing my opinions with my kids.  I've got bite marks on my tongue and gray hair to show for it.  Thankfully my husband is on the same page as me so I tend to vent to him (and him to me) when needed.  lol

You nailed it Green Thumb when you mentioned respect.  Each generation deserves to be respected regardless of the differences.
This past year I've been given the gift of two grandchildren.  The experiences of the births are totally different.  My daughter in law couldn't wait for me to get to the hospital (I had an 8 hour drive) and thrust my grandson into my hands demanding me to bond with him.  She didn't even ask me to wash my hands first!  lol  I stayed with them for 10 days because her mother couldn't be there right away.  My daughter in law was a gracious hostess & of course I did as much as I could for them - cook, clean and grocery shopped.  and I was most happy to do that for them. That was my gift to them.

Three months later my daughter (who also lives out of state)  gave birth to her daughter.  Totally different experience.  I didn't expect to be invited to the hospital -- she and her husband spelled that out prior to the birth.  I was not asked to help them out after the baby was born.  At all. :(   What a contrast to the months prior with my new grandson!  It was different, but it was okay.  We saw the baby one week after she was born -- my daughter and her husband wanted time to "just be" in their home for a few days.  They didn't want any visitors to the house.   Was I happy about their choice?  Of course not!  I wanted to get my hands on my new granddaughter!!  But I also realized this wasn't about ME it was about this new family.  I decided to focus on the positive:  the birth went well and everyone was healthy.

I'm glad I decided to respect their wishes because since that time I have been asked repeatedly to "swing by" (um... it's a 2 hour drive) after spending time at my out-of-town elderly parents and stay the night with them.  Of course I swing by and spend the night.  It's all good. 

I don't agree with everything my kids are doing raising their children, but that's okay.  My job of raising them is done.  Now it's their turn and they are finding their own way building a family as we did so many years ago.  And I choose to respect that.

Just had to share in hopes that it helps someone out there.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
August 20, 2015, 07:21:08 AM
The older I become, the more I choose to color the world and the people who live in it as gray. 

We all have faults, we all have gifts.  I would rather live my days appreciating the gifts and forgiving the faults of others. 

Life and relationships can not be categorized as simply black and white.  Life is way too short to judge others.  Appreciate each day and let some of the annoyances roll off -- it just isn't worth it to let the annoyances darken your days or perceptions.

Yes, I'm feeling sentimental today.  I'm in the midst of welcoming new grand babies while slowly and sadly closing the door on my aging parents.  Bittersweet, yet grateful.

Just wanted to put my public service announcement in for today  ....  :) 

This thread is filled with inspiration.  Glad I had a minute to check in.  Thinking of you all.  :) 
Gizmo, the best thing you can do is to be a happy grandmother for your grand daughter. 

Ditto what Luise posted -- I bite my tongue a lot too.  My kids simply do not raise their kids the way I raised them.  And that's okay.  We raised our kids according to our rules and expectations -- we did the best we could.  Once our kids are out of the nest they are on their own and make their own decisions.

Simply focus on nothing else but the moments you enjoy with your granddaughter.  It will bring you peace (and joy too).