June 02, 2023, 08:44:22 PM


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - starfire


So while I do not have a good relationship with my MIL I'm trying to make sure my DH and children get time with her( she will rarely visit and we can't go to her house due to my son's horrible allergies). So I hosted Easter with all the grandparents so no one felt left out. She still rarely calls my DH or talks to her grandchildren but is upset that my children are close to their other sets of grandparents (my parents are divorced and have SO). It hurts my husband so much.

So now I'm trying to plan a mother's day day for her. A fun day between my DH and her to hopefully encourage her to be more involved with our family. She wants a day just her and my Husband so my question is what would your perfect day with your child look like? I'm thinking of doing a paint night thing but don't know what else. Also should I still buy a gift.

Thank you
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Baptism
January 05, 2017, 07:44:33 AM

This time I'm somewhat in the wrong and I know but it's not due to my own doing. So here's the situation. We are planning to baptize our daughter on January 21. This is due to the godfathe moving to another state in March so he only has free weekends in January and February. The godmother is a Manger so she doesn't get many weekends off and it was a weekend that also works for her. Also father only has a few weekends available due to our church only doing baptisms certain weekends and some are also booked already. So the problem is my MIL is on call that weekend so she wouldn't be able to make it, she does however make the schedule and we were hoping she'd otherwise switch with someone. My problem is what do I do if she wants us to switch weekends? I don't know any others that work for all three before the godfather moves. Please help, this situation isn't ideal but we want our daughter baptized and don't know how else to make it possible.

Thank you

I might be the one wrong in this situation so I wanted everyone thoughts on it. I really get annoyed when my mother or MIL call my son "Their" baby. To me I am my mothers baby and my husband's is my MIL. My son is mine and my husband baby. I may feel more strongly about this because I had a difficult pregnancy and the NICU had to be in the room when I had him. It's also hard for me because I look about 10 years younger than I am, so every time we go somewhere and they refer to him as "their" baby others automatically begin talking to them like they are the mother. I have talked to my mom and my husband talked to his mother about it (since it annoys him also) and my mom has been much better. His mother however, now seems to put "my" in front of everything to do with my son, and will only share photos of my son or my son and my husband on social media. I think with my MIL it also bothers me so much because she taught her other grandson to call her "mama", even though his mother is still in the picture. Now that my nephew is older he no longer does this, but still it makes the situation even more difficult for me, since I feel like she doesn't respect me as the mother. Not only does she tell me what I am doing wrong, she has started using social media to tell my husband's and my friends her "advice" which tends to come off rather rude. Making my friends call me complaining and I apologies for my MIL. Some of our friends no longer want to show up to events where she is present, because her comments, or she makes them feel very uncomfortable (a few don't like to be touched but she tends to just go up and put her arms around them). It has gotten even more difficult since my MIL made the comment after holding our soon to be godmother's for our second child's daughter and then making the comment after she doesn't know what to do with girls so she was hoping I'd have a boy. Our 2ed child godparent was a bit put off since she grabbed her daughter to hold, and then made that comment after putting her down. My MIL then went on to say what I'm not allowed to name my daughter making future godmother more upset. I understand a bit why my friend upset but those comments I have gotten very use to, especially how she wanted me to have another boy since she also was posting it on my social media. I know I am emotional and pregnant right now so the "my" baby thing is affecting me, but is this a normal grandparent thing that I should try to move past? My MIL constantly saying how she wanted a boy is also affecting me, because it feels like she will not love this baby the same granted she won't come up to see our son really either, and I am no longer supposed to travel to other states due to if the baby would come early I would not be covered under insurance. This has upset her, and been difficult for me since I will be missing my cousin and good friends wedding but I want to watch out for my child. MIL has seen our son twice this year so I'm thinking when our daughter comes she may not care to see her. By now in our son pregnancy she has already planned to take off work to come and see him. There has been no mention of her coming to see our daughter. So how do I deal with this if MIL continues to not accept us having a daughter? Also how do I deal with friends and MIL? My husband just now gets upset when issues arise with MIL and he is scared to confront her.

Sorry that was so long but I just really needed to vent and hopefully find advice on how to approach things from here.


Thank you again everyone for your advice. A little update: I recently started working a new part time job where I work every weekend but I tend to be done by 12 or 1. So on mother's day I called my MIL also wishing her a happy mother's day, and I thought we had a pleasant talk. It was a difficult day for me since my grandmother was in the hospital and my mom was there and they didn't want me to come in case I could catch it, which I told my MIL on the phone. She asked me when her son would call and I told her he would probably after lunch.

Well when talking to my husband, I found out she didn't listen to what I said I guess since he mentioned my grandmother also and she asked what was up so he explained what was up. Then she said how she wants to come up and see him and my son some time. He said that may be difficult right now unless she wants to come after I'm done working. She said no she'll just come when I'm not there. This sorta hurt me, one because I felt like she didn't listen to what I said or care to see me. My husband said okay not really feeling good about it either because he has a hard time telling his mom we do things with our son differently then she did with her boys. Part of the reason for a lot of this is because my son's allergics, we don't go to certain restaurants if he can't eat there, we always wash our hands and wipe our face if we had something with either egg or nuts in, etc. We also don't let him on a dirt bike yet, which she and her husband got him. I'm worried the main reason she wants to come up is to get him to ride the dirt bike, since her other grandson was riding by now. This especially scares me because he hasn't even rode a bike yet, and I don't want him riding something that needs gas before having a bike with training wheels on. My husband agrees with this but he doesn't think he can tell his mom this since she pretty much helped raise her other grandson and he thinks she take it as a personal attack. She knows I'm against it and she thinks I'm to safety cautious due to this and my son's allergics. She also hopes he starts skating soon, since all her boys were by now and hockey a big part of there family. They all played. I don't mind him learning to skate, I just hope he is not pressured into a sport if he doesn't like it. Since my nephew wanted to try another sport also one year and they told him he had to pick between hockey or the other sport. In the end he ended up picking hockey because grandpa said he'd coach hockey if he played again.

Thank you all so much, I never heard of the NO JADE, I need to try that. My issue is now that my husband doesn't see the big deal in his mom trying to help since my cousin did. I tried to explain this is my cousin job, she does this and gets paid for it every day. My cousin was very kind since I am related to her and just charged us for materials and not her time. I tried explaining my taste and his mothers is very different, her taste is a lot more bold while I am a lot more traditional. He is also more traditional, and while he doesn't like his mother bold taste also he wants to make her happy. So that's where I am running into a bind.

Thank you all for everything again.
Thank you all so much! You made me feel a lot better.

She still hasn't cared about the baby updates, but she is upset with the kitchen updates. We been redoing our kitchen to make it better for resale. We consulted my cousin who is an interior design. Our MIL went with us to look for granite and she picked out a pink/tan granite, I really do not like the color pink and it was over $3000 dollars over our budget. She is not happy we didn't go with it, while I wanted gray, we went with tan since my husband like it and I was hoping MIL would be a bit more happy. So our kitchen now has nice wood cabinets, tan granite counter tops, wood floors, glass tile backsplash, and a lighter tan paint. All of which my cousin helped with since she does this for a living to make sure everything came together.

My MIL been wanting photos since she is an "interior designer" also (she redid her house so she thinks that makes her an interior designer now).My husband said no since he wants his family to come up and see all the hard work he put into it. He really just wants them to visit us, so I been respecting this requests because I understand it. However, my MIL then called me asking all these questions and now she is upset that we didn't do an accent wall. She feels we should have a blue accent wall so now she wants to by something so we have a "pop of color" in the kitchen. I know she is also going to be upset because were changing the green dining room color that she liked, so my husband wanted to keep it since his mom liked it. I hated it but I said okay to make him happy and her. Well it doesn't go with the kitchen and he agrees since the kitchen is now open, so were painting it the same tan.

Wisewomen, what do I do? I feel like this is no longer my home, since I need my MIL approval and she wants to change things if she doesn't like it. I tried explaining we went over everything with my cousin who is an interior designer but she didn't care. I'm starting to feel like I will never do anything right with her, even when I give up things I would like to make her happy.   

Thank you both, I think your right. I've always been a sensitive person, my MIL on the other hand always says what is on her mind and will not hold back. This tends to make it difficult for us to connect. I try to communicate with her by still keeping her informed about the baby, and try to talk about life. Since I inform my own mother I think she also deserves that right. Would it be wrong for me to ask her if she wants me to keep her up to date with everything? I just wonder because she seems to not really want to communicate when I call her to let her know about everything. Or do you think she rather my husband update her? I know I shouldn't let all this bother me but I really would love a good relationship with my MIL someday.
Grab Bag / Re: Today Was My 89th Birthday
March 10, 2016, 03:54:18 PM
Happy 90th, and I hope you have a wonderful year. You are an inspirational women you started this community and help many people out daily, for some of us this is our way to vent so our marriage or important relationships in our life aren't destroyed. Sometimes in these situations we think we're alone however through creating this page you showed us we are not alone.Thank you for everything you do!
Hello Wise Women,

As many of you know my MIL and I don't have the best relationship, I know we're both at fault in ways for this. We last month my husband and I found out were expecting our second child. We were so excited, my husband wanted me to text my MIL the photo of the positive pregnancy test. Since this is the way he wanted to tell her I agreed to it. I expected a text back instead she calls my DH talks to him about it, never asks to speak to me about it. I have called her since for reasons and she still says nothing to me. Is it wrong I'm hurt that she hasn't mentioned anything about it? I been trying to keep her up to date with appointments, etc, but it seems like she just wants to get off the phone with me. I am wondering am I overemotional because the pregnancy or is it understandable I'm hurt?

I'm a DIL so this is my opinion and I maybe wrong.

First, it tends to be tradition to ask the bride's family for her hand in marriage. So that's why he probably did it, while he was in excitement mode he probably either didn't think to tell you at the time or wanted to surprise you with the information. Or he could of been scared of what she would say and wanted to wait and tell you if there was only good news.

Second, most kids are scared to disappoint their parent. I don't think he wanted to hurt  you with withholding this information, I just think he didn't know how to tell you.

Third, are they having a small wedding? They may want to keep it to a few close family and friends. If there paying for it they may not be asking either family for a list. However, if you have a list maybe try to approach your son and ask to be involved with the wedding. Maybe ask to help him go over the guest list with his bride and help them double check they didn't forget anyone important. If you notice a few individuals that you really wanted there, and are not on the list. Perhaps ask, "We're you planning to invite so and so, I just want to make sure you don't forget anyone. I want this day to be perfect for you guys, and make sure you don't forget anyone you want there." Just be kind because you don't want to burn bridges, and brides can be very sensetive when it comes to their wedding.

Keep inviting your DIL to stuff, she may otherwise feel you don't like her and are cutting her out of your life. And in turn may also cut you out. So be the bigger person she'll appreciate someday.
Hello all,

Thank you for the suggestions, I told my husband at some point he could take my son alone to his mothers, but he stated he doesn't want to. I think this is due to him having some hurt feelings during Christmas. His parents spent their time watching TV at there house and then not coming to the mall and since Christmas we tend to be the only one to make contact. I think he's hurt because his parents are so involved in their other grandson/ son life but not in ours. We had a talk about this yesterday in fact and he stated he wish they would call or visit him more. I don't know what to do because even though I sorta have the mindset that the people who want to be in your life will make an effort to be in it (this is due to my past since my father and I have a difficult relationship), it's breaking my heart how sad he is about this yet I don't know if it's my place to have a conversation with the in laws. It's difficult to invite them to our house due to my MIL being a nurse and is on call many weekends and my FIL coaches his other grandson team. So when we invite them it tends to not work out, and scheduling also very difficult since when we tend to make places they don't tend to let us know until last minute if there coming or not. This is hard for me since I like to clean and everything before my MIL comes, so I get very stressed out learning about it the day of normally. This has how it's been since my husband left for college, it however didn't seem to bother him until we had our son.

I'm trying to put my feelings aside at the moment, since my husband wanted me to tell my MIL about a big event in our life recently. So I did she immediately called my husband and said nothing to me. I have called her since and still she says nothing to me about it. While this hurts me, I'm more worried about my husband feelings at the moment.

Coming from a daughter in law at some points we don't feel like we fit into another family or feel welcomed. Do you know what your daughter in laws interests are? Do they each share a common interest or what there family tends to do one the holidays?

I ask because my family tends to play cards or board games during the holidays, my husband's family however sits in front of the TV. I personally have a very hard time with this because I think the holidays are about spending time with each other and to me your not really spending time together in front of a TV. While I know this may change some of your families traditions please don't look at it that way, please look at it at changing a few traditions since your family also changed. Good luck!
Honestly were not sure, since we brought food for him. So the only thing different was the dog allergy and the environment.  We did go to the waterpark with them but we kept him in a kiddy area and he's been to a waterpark before. He's also to been to hotels before. I don't know if it's eczema acted up and he was just upset because that or what. But the next day we just went to the mall and met them at my husbands grandmothers and he was completely fine then. So I'm not sure I was planning to try to talk to his doctor at his next visit about it to see if she could think of anything.
Thank you so much to everyone!

I wanted to give everyone a update, we stayed in the hotel and only went to my MIL for a few hours, however that night my poor son threw up about 5 or 6 times. Having a crying one year old in a hotel on Christmas that continued to threw up, and then saying he wanted to go bye bye, along with not going to his father was not how I was thinking Christmas would go. Needless to say I told my husband we would not be going back there in the morning. Instead we went to the mall invited my in-laws but they didn't show up, which I think my husband was very sad about. We got to see them later at his grandmothers though. Now I'm just wondering how to handle this in the future, because I don't want my son going though that again.

Thanks for everything.
My son also has food allergies so I know how you feel. My son is allergic to eggs and peanuts. (The eggs very bad) The issue with that is my husband family has lasagna for Christmas. I was hoping for them to make it with egg free noodles but it's tradition that they make the family noodles (while they taste amazing, I know my son can't have this). My husband asking if there will be anything for my son to eat, however if there isn't, would it be rude to bring food for him? I don't want him to go hungry. (My son sadly is allergic to a lot, which he got from me. My husband family doesn't have allergies so I think it's difficult for them to understand how severe they can be, since they never witnessed it).