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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - Things happens

Hi All,

My Son asked his wife for a divorce after 15 years, as he has finally seen the light. I want to thank you all for the support your had given me in the past and sharing your stories. Every time there was a problem I would come here and reread post to get me through. And I love the mantra not my monkey, not my circus and some of the stuff I have taken from this forum I have also applied to other area's of my life. While it was hard to just sit back and watch, I did learn I did not have to take her abuse, and we did not. Once we learned to let go, our lives were much happier. The only blessing is they did not have children, so there should be no long drawn out fight. I will still be around helping others if I can as you all did me. Once again Thank You all :-)
Aging Wisely / Re: Corona, How is everyone doing?
March 28, 2020, 08:04:29 PM

That is good to see your taken well care of and doing well.  I am just staying in and limiting my time to the grocery store once a week, at 5:30 AM (special senior hours 5:30 - 7:00). Not to many then, they usually start coming in at 6:00 when I am leaving.  I feel lucky that no one around here has tested positive and I hope it stays that way. It is a scary time, but my grandmother use to say stop borrowing worry. So I just hope and pray for the best.

Still Learning, Now that is an ambitious project, I am just cleaning out things a little bit at a time. When things goes back to normal, a lot of places will be getting some nice donations. I watch just a local channel once a day. I actually found a nice website called the Goodnews Network, they have nothing but good heart felt stories. No doom and gloom allowed.
Aging Wisely / Corona, How is everyone doing?
March 24, 2020, 11:50:14 PM
Hi All,

Just I would check in and see how everyone is doing at this time. I know there are several older members including myself. I am just staying put and not going anywhere.
Sorry you are going though this, I will let you know that since your Son In Law is married, he gets more money from the Navy for basic things for having a wife, not to mention that he would be allowed a housing allowance to live off base, or if they qualify they can live on base housing for free.  If they don't want that option I would charge them room and board. You can google Navy pay rates and you can see what he makes each month, and then decide what  yours and hubby's next move is. My gut feeling is something is going on, why would she not want to be with her husband? I even moved to a foreign country with my husband when we were 1st married and he joined the military. You and your husband need to sit down and decide what you both want, and then approach your daughter and son in law to lay down the law that you and hubby has set up. 
Hi Bookworm,

I am glad to see you figured things out. You were more then generous to offer your time for a day for your DD birthday weekend. Maybe next time he will check first. I wanted to chime in about the Grandkids. While I am not blessed with any yet. I do have lots of Grand and Great Grand Nieces and Nephews, and they all fight to spend time with hubby and I. Their Grands and others spend lots of money on them etc. But the kids do not appreciate or remember it.

They love coming here because hubby and I give them our undivided attention.  We will take them to museums, or other fun places that are low or no cost, pack a lunch and they never ask for things from the Gift shop. We will build or make things with them, playing games are a big thing. Or visitors range from 2- Adults, the one thing that they all know is our rules. Act up while out, I have no problem leaving and going home. At my home they follow the rules as I have no problem taking you home. And the adults who use to come to our house talk about the memories, and they had nothing to do with buying things. But the time we invested with them. Parents find it hard to believe but there are no electronics going on, and very little TV. The one thing they know I will buy for them is books, I am a big believer in reading and books. So I guess I am saying, if you give them lots of love and undivided attention, that is worth a lot more then anything you can buy in the store.

Now enjoy your retirement you and hubby deserve it.

Your sister is sounds like she is verbally abusing your parents. I am not sure how old they are, but sound like they are older. It is your parents home and they should not be walking on egg shells.  Sister or no sister, I would not allow this to continue with my parent. I would call the elder abuse hotline to find out what steps need to be taken.  We did this on my BIL for both mental and financial abuse of my FIL, judges do not take kindly to this. Write down and document everything your mother / father tells you. It is not your parents fault that she is not happy with her life. Elder services also might be able to get your sister the help she needs.  No elderly person should have to live with any abuse in their golden ages, they are our National Treasures.

I don't have a relationship with my DIL beyond Obligations. About 4 years into there marriage she held a month get together for several women where we would get together and make things. After about a year, all I heard about it how my son did this, and my son did that, etc.... every month never fail I would hear a 5 hour compalining session, in which I said nothing and just smiled trying to get along with her. (was he guilty of some of the stuff, probably. Thing was when he lived with me for the first 23 years of his life, he never did those thing, because I did not allow that behavior). So after about 5 months she started in her monthly triad (in which everyone but her mother was getting sick of, but then mom does the same thing about husband), I had more then enough, I just turned and looked at her with a smile and said well when I gave him to you he was perfectly fine, you  must of broke him and I am not taking back a broken item. You could hear a pin drop, but it felt so good.

Now the reason why I am tell you this is that he is your problem, not your BF mom. She raised him best she could, unless you know for certain why he was sent to live with his dad I wouldn't bring that up. It is all in the past, it is not mom place to say anything to her son at this stage, he is a grown man, and your a grown women in a relationship. Work it out, doesn't put laundry where it belongs, doesn't get done, doesn't clean up his dishes, Put a towel down and stack them where he sits. Communicate with each other, go to counseling, heck if he had a bad start in life he just might be depressed and need help.

I do think that you can have a wonderful relationship with his mom, just stop criticizing her son to her. Because in sense you are criticizing her parenting skills also.

BTW when I married my husband, he was less then ideal and it was due to his up bringing. Took many years, but I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world, even when I was upset with him being a total slob. Just took one day at a time, and we worked things out together, and made my son a thoughtful responsible young man to help save his future wife. He sure blew that one.

Grandchildren / Re: Coaching the GC to lie to you.
June 06, 2017, 12:52:50 AM
I wouldn't blame your GS to much, being stuck between a rock and hard place is a lot to handle for a 6 year old. I would say he was sparing your feeling, and probably doesn't really understand why this is going on. I would say since they allow contact, I would still give gifts for now. You take the higher road and do not involve him in his parents problems. He will remember this later on down the road and who knows you might end up having a beautiful relationship with him when he is older.

I would never ever go into someones house and do things without asking. And if they say no, then I would not be offended. Maybe on this next visit since this is your third child, you could cut her off at the pass. Just say I know you mean well with doing things around the house, but I really appreciate it if you just concentrate you time to (enter kids names). They will need lots of extra attention while we settle the baby.

Now funny story, back when I was a young bride, my MIL would come in and would rearrange things (never cleaning or helpful things) and she thought she was doing it on the sly. Upon her third visit, I took her aside and said, I know that you are just trying to help, but I like my things right were they are and how would you like it if I came to your house and moved everything around, she said she wouldn't like it. So I then said why would you do it, she said habit and to feel needed. So I felt bad, and came up with things for her to do and help out. I usually put her in charge of her grandson and she loved it, and he wore her out so much she didn't have the energy to do anything else.

Now my mother on the other hand was totally different. I like to make things and would often display them around the house, after mom's visits I would find my items missing and Money on the hook they were on. (LOL). While I like money, I wanted my things back. Spoke to dad and he would send back anything missing. She stopped doing it when I started taking expensive things off her wall and leave her a dollar on the hook (LOL)

Good Luck
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
May 04, 2017, 10:27:06 PM
Well maybe moving to the big city you can be more active in things and places. I agree with TV, my FIL parked in front of it day in and day out. Only way to get him away from it was to take him out in the car. I do have TV but usually use it as a background noise, but I do like the do it yourself shows . I love learning new things.
People are right, you can put this together. Your hubby has to make the plans, but do agree you can plant a bug. It could go like this, you know honey, I bet that your mom would love to spend some one on one time with you on Mothers Day, what does she like to do for fun? The best gift he could give her is time, people are quick on gifts, but time is free and is the best gift.

The funny part with my DH and Deceased MIL the perfect day for her was when she could cook him dinner and it was just the two of them. We figured this out when we moved her closer to all us kids and I started going to bingo on Monday nights with mom, and DH stopped by his moms house because he got off early. She was thrilled and cooked him dinner. Then it started happening she would make up excuses to have him come on Mondays. He finally told her to stop the excuses and he would love to come on a visit on Monday nights on the exception on the Last Monday of the month he gets to take her out to a place of his choosing.  She was thrilled and it lasted for about a year then she got sick and passed. He has some very fond memories of their date night. But it took many years for them to get there, the first 25 years of marriage he would of never done something like that. Only until he got older and understood about the things that happen were in the past and the future was brand new did it happen. It was to bad his siblings only visited her a couple of times in the year she lived near and that was when they needed something from her.
Grandchildren / Re: Opinion needed
May 02, 2017, 11:14:55 PM
Hi Gmissy,

My friends son and GF had a child and had the great foresight to put the baby up for adoption.  It was an open adoption, but the Son and GF had nothing to do with the baby after 6 months. My GF and her Husband are very thankful that they adoptive parents have let them into the babies life and the other  siblings (1 adopted and one biological). While she was the Biological Grandparent, she didn't serve in that role and did not want to confuse the kids at such a young age, not to mention to take away what the adoptive Grandparents do for the child day in and day out. So they are known as Miss Jane and Mr Harry, and the kids love on them when they show up for events. And they also know in time that the kids who are now 7,5, and 3 will be asking questions about them and will handle it when the time comes. She just feels fortunate that they are allowed to be part of the child's life, because biological grandparents have no rights and the adoptive family could cut them off any time they please.

If it were me, I would not push the issue about being addressed as the biological Grandparent. Once you gave your GD up for adoption, you ceased being her grandparent in the eyes of the law. And I will tell you if push comes to shove, the Mom will always side with her mom and you could end up looking from the outside in. I would feel blessed to be allowed to be their in life, eventually you GD will find know the truth. And things might change, either for the good or bad.  And the way she introduces the other child is up to the parents to correct if they choose to. Remember it is about the kids, and just make the visits special. Good luck
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
May 02, 2017, 01:01:51 AM
Luise, At the time I think the choice of living arrangements you and your husband picked was right for you, sounds like a beautiful place.  And now when you move you will just start a new adventure. I also think you did a much better job with your hubby then you probably give yourself credit for. We all try to do the best that we can, times are different.

Just like with FIL I was more able body then I am now with mom. It killed me at first, but I realized I have help with her and to utilize that help. All the illnesses we have been though, hubby and I have learned a lot. Like we have everything in a trust so if one of us requires Long term Nursing home care, the other person won't be left a pauper. Have all our health proxies covered. When we moved 2 years ago, we kept in mind how this house will suit us when we are 70. We will be adding a garage on soon, and instead of stairs we will be adding a ramp, so down the road if we are in a wheelchair we will be covered and other things like that. I always try to look for a positive in everything, by taking care of our parents, we learned about lawyers, conservator-ships and everything else about the law and elder care. So when the time comes for us, we will have everything in place.

Marina - A lot of people do not want to take help, they were raised not to bother then children. We found this out when FIL and SMIL had Cancer, it was a year before they told us, because they didn't want to burden us. When we finally got it through their heads that they aren't a burden, then did they start asking for help. One thing I have learned from my different illnesses is that I have no problem asking for help. But then they all might be in denial, or her AC look at her as a burden, and resent having to take care of them. I sadly know some people like this, and some that only help because they will get a inheritance. Maybe you might look up some options that your friend might have, do they have a senior center where she is at? Perhaps you can get her interested in going and making new friends that are nearer. Usually they have buses to pick people up. She also might be depressed, and that will make her pain problems worse. But she is lucky to have such a good friend in you, also you might drop her a card in the mail, that might have a funny cartoon or something in it. Shows them they aren't forgotten.

Well I rambled on long enough :-)
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
April 30, 2017, 12:14:16 AM
Very informative topic, I was raised that you took care of your elders,  right now we are on our last parent my mom. My dad died unexpectedly 21 years ago, then my hubbies Step Mom Died from cancer my FIL mainly dealt with that. Then we had my hubbys Mother, who had major health issues and just as we got everything sorted out she passed. Then my FIL had Alzheimer's that we took care of his needs to the end (7 years) by ourselves because we had a restraining order against my BIL who was Financially and emotionally abusing him.  We did put him in an Assisted living facility that was an hour away so his sister could visit him, but we usually visited him 5 days a week. Then when the time came we put him in a very good nursing home 7 minutes from our house and that was a god send, we could see him everyday. And felt blessed that when he passed, he was only about stage 5 of the disease so we have good memories of him.

Now I am dealing with my mom who has Frontal Temporal Dementia (FTD) which is so much harder then Alzheimers. She lives with my brother because he bought the family home (at a big cut rate) with the stipulation of her living in it until she dies. Right now I am in the process of getting her declared mentally & Financially incompetent, I handle all the scheduling, as she can't be left alone. I am lucky on the part that my brother who lives with her and sister who lives within an hour does help out, and we have someone come in 3-4 days a week to sit with her. We will get through this too. For hubby's and my future we happen to buy a house that we can grow old in  and by chance it is one street over from my sons house, things are a little better with him since we moved closer. But his wife is still cold and told me right off not to expect to come over anytime unless invited. I had to bite my lip on that one, but I did for my son. I actually pity her, she doesn't know how to live life. She isn't even close with her family anymore.

I fear more for my sons future as he has no children and they are both getting older and don't see that changing and being a Nana was my second life goal after being a mother( always wanted a big family but wasn't able to).  So my new thing I say is I am going to adopt a pregnant teenager, I will get me a grandbaby one way or another. Son doesn't like that, or he gets jealous when I take care of my grand nieces and nephews over vacations and such. Its like I am spending money on other people and I should be spending it on him. Not my problem, it is his to deal with. After finding this forum 2 years ago and reading though all the post and learning from everyone, I realize that it is their problem and not mine. And there are plenty of people who want to be with me and receive my love and what I have to offer.

Good luck with your move, I am sure that it will be a good one since you will be much closer to family. It does make a big difference.
There are several scenarios :  There could be a chance that he doesn't even know that he has added her a friend, I personally have added a lot of people by accident or accidentally asked to be friends. Or he could be one of those people who accepts any friend request because the younger generations goes for quantity of  friends not quality. I am amazed at my younger relatives who will have hundreds of friends. Not knowing the whole situation, but maybe he had a good relationship with this woman while with your ex. My Hubby's Mother would put such a guilt trip on him for having a relationship with his stepmom when his mom was the one cheating. And then when she remarried and his step dad was in his life for 15 years before she divorced that one and then got mad at him for us visiting him and his new wife. She put my hubby in a terrible position, and he has never forgotten it still many years after her passing.

And then do you really want to stir the pot with your son on something he might not realize that he did? The past is the past and you can't change it, and being upset is only hurting you and not anyone else. If you are no longer angry with her or your deceased husband, why would you consider it a betrayal? I would get all the facts before you say something you might regret. And if it bothers you seeing that woman being friends with your son on FB then delete him as a friend. And if your not friends with him, then you shouldn't be snooping on his FB page as it will only cause trouble down the road.