March 29, 2024, 01:16:46 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Topics - Stilllearning

21
Would you mind telling me the three books that helped you most in dealing with your AC issues?  Thanks!! 

22
I know it is difficult to believe, but I have a mother in law too.  I can still remember that I was afraid to meet her!  She knew all of these things that I did not know.  DH's family was much more socially active than mine was and she knew all about how to cook, entertain, knit, sew, arrange flowers, garden, can foods and so many other things that were quite daunting.  DH was 24 when we married so he had already gone through the 'pull away' phase of every young man's life and I luckily got credit for 'bringing him back' into the fold.  His mother, DS's grandmother, will still tell you that I am the one who straightened him out.  I will gladly take the credit although I know he was growing out of that phase of his life and into the next phase where his family became important to him.

When we first got married I did not know how to cook much.  I could cook some things.  If you ask DS he will tell you that I could not cook spaghetti for him when he was growing up unless DH was gone.  That is because it was one of the cheapest meals I knew how to cook when I got married and I completely burned DH out on it (but I still love it...hehe).  I had a budget of $20 a week for groceries and I could not afford to buy much chicken on that and ground beef is really good for stretching!!  We had enough money for one six pack of beer a week and we enjoyed every ounce of it!  We paid our rent every four weeks  so that we could save the money to pay for Christmas gifts.  Turns out if you pay every four weeks instead of once a month, by the end of the year you have a month paid in advance so we used the extra month's rent for Christmas.  DS may have told you some of this, I have told him often enough he should remember.

We got married and DH and his Dad started to communicate.  We had been married for only about 5 years when FIL died.  He was only 55 when he died and we both miss him every day.  DS would be named Jack but he was born too soon after FIL died and DH could not handle the constant reminder. FIL would have been so proud of his son, my husband, if he had lived to see him today.  He would have been thrilled to know his grandson, your husband.  He would be proud. 

I know that you feel intimidated by me.  I know the feeling because I have been there.  But if you can get over that feeling there is a lot you can learn about the family who raised your husband, the family who loved him and nurtured him (much like you will your baby) and shaped him into the man you wanted to marry.  I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated the support of my mother in law! She was a high school English teacher (probably why I NEVER wrote her, afraid she would correct the letter and send it back!)  I call her and go visit her without DH or anyone else because I love her.  Yes, there were times when she irritated me and times when she made me cry....more than you know!  We managed to overcome the intimidation, overlook the small things and grow a wonderful partnership.

I feel like I have tried to do my part but every time we get together you dissect everything I say looking for an error.  Of course you find one!  I am by no means perfect ! If you truly think it is all my fault so be it.  I will live with that.  All I ask , for DS's sake, is that you try to get to know ME and not assume you know me from what you think you understand. 

I am not really comfortable with you calling me by my first name.....perhaps we can settle on something that will be fitting for FGC to call me.  I am hoping for Mamaw if it is OK with the two of you....
23
Let me start out by thanking you for having this forum!!  I am the only one in my large family who is having troubles right now (some have worked through issues...lucky them!) and I was feeling very alone :(   It is a wonderful gift to find out that there are so many who have similar problems although I really wish NONE of us were in such emotional distress!!

My eldest DS was doing nicely until he met his wife.  He had a job that he had kept for years and his employer (who was wonderfully understanding with a 16 year old's work ethic) was assigning him more and more responsible duties.  In his senior year he started to do things that I disagreed with but I knew I had to loosen the reigns and he was not (and still is not) involved with drugs or in trouble with the law so I decided to let sleeping dogs lie.  He went to a college in town and lived here for a semester and then he moved out.  I did not stand in his way....as a matter of fact I helped him (as much as he would let me).  He met my DIL while he was living at home and the relationship continued with only a few minor glitches until they married.  When he told me they were going to wed I asked him to wait until he was out of college.  BIG MISTAKE!!  Instead of waiting they moved the date up by two months.  Guess I learned my lesson.  When I asked them to wait I said "you are already living together, what is the rush?"  I have since found out that DIL took that as me calling her, well, let's just say loose. 

I tried in the months preceding the wedding to make Friends with DIL...all the way up to visiting her therapist with her (where I found out I had 'separation issues' and she was perfectly justified in refusing to visit my house) another BIG MISTAKE!!  She said I made her uncomfortable because I tried to talk her into trying some outdoor stuff....started with canoeing and camping which the family (including DS) loved and then moved onto less adventurous things like hiking and such.   She feels that I am too pushy.  Hmmmm...  She says that I hate her...ever hear of a self fulfilling prophesy? 

I have been unfriended on facebook by her and two other members of her family and no, I did not post anything about her there although I hear she called me and a few of my kin alcoholics.  DH and myself gave a rehearsal dinner for them and she told me TWO WEEKS before the date that she did not want any wine with dinner.  Did you know you cannot take wine back?  I do now!  My family loves to have a good time and that usually includes alcohol but no one gets up in the morning and has a liquid breakfast or spends the night worshiping the "porcelain god" (if you know what I mean).   So I got to pay for a dinner without being able to supply the things my relatives enjoy.  Boy that was fun!!! 

Since then I have gotten the silent treatment except when they want or need something.  Now there is a GC on the way.  I am uncertain if I even want to try to get involved with that!!  If I fall in love with the GC then it will give them more power over me.  I have finally wrestled the reigns for my heart back and I do not want to just hand them back to DIL and DS.  I am honestly happier NOT knowing what is happening.  My wonderful sister is offering to give them a shower and I don't want to attend.  I went to a bridal shower and I felt like I was walking into a den of wolves (her family) and I do not care to suffer that again.  They have not acknowledged their wedding presents (two year anniversary was this week) and when I send them something they do not let me know they got it. Now they have moved and not told us their new address (I only went to their last address once in their year there.  I have not just 'dropped in' ). 

I told my sister that she could give the shower if she wanted but I am not going.  Now I feel like a real cad. 

Any thoughts??
24
Just curious because I know my parents and my wonderful ILs had problems with their oldest and I am having problems with my oldest.  Could you please let me know where in the birth order your problem AC is?