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Wow, Green Thumb, I believe your advice was spot-on, and I especially liked the gift-giving options you provided. Also insightful was your suggestion to let your son know what you want regarding communication with GC.  Asking for what we want is so simple, while we agonize over what others should know and do without our having to ask.  The bugaboo still remains in not holding expectations once we've asked for what we want.  It is in their court, and we just make ourselves miserable when we expect them to march to our beat.

Patience, that phrase conjured up a humorous image of a hapless man frantically peddling his legs to balance on a log in a northern forested lake, and finally back peddling  and plunging into the icy spring water.    What humorous and poignant memories and turns of phrase will be recorded. I'd be tempted to transcribe some favorites to share with other members of the family.  How gratifying to know that their GC are initiating this pursuit of family history.  My young adult niece was asking family history questions of my mom, her grandma, over the holidays, and we each learned something new.  It is heartening to know that some adult children really do care about family history. 

My DH has the gift of self-effacing humor that really drew me to him when we first met 20 years ago. That ability to poke fun at himself works well with our know-it-all teen son, who consistently laughs at DHs humor but not a lot else these days....at least not in front of us.  The ability to laugh together diffuses tension and binds us closer. 

Hi Kate,
It is hard to deal with changes in plans, but it sounds like you are going to make the best of it...and make a different tradition next year....good for you  . I thank you for posting this issue, because I need to step back and look at the bigger picture myself, as Pen suggests with her comments about being a place of warm thoughts and memories.  That is something I want to do not just for DD but for myself and my own small family, who will celebrate together a couple of days before Christmas.

I wish you all peace over the next week.  And please accept my deep gratitude to all of you for your warm encouragement and support.  We walk this road, and sometimes it is dark and scary. At those times we need others to help shine a light on the path and encourage us to take steps forward, sometimes in entirely new directions, toward a new light.  The more we walk, the lighter the path, and although there are dark patches from time to time, with the lantern of wisdom and awareness they become fewer and farther between.  At least that is how it looks when I observe those of you who have been on the path for a while now.  Thank you for shining that light, everyone!

Luise, I'm going to go out and buy myself that gratitude journal for Christmas, so I can celebrate Thanksgiving every day  . Even at Christmas!

Green Thumb, my initial thought was to buy a gift for the new husband...lol.  But if you are so inclined to give a gift, what about something they could both share?  Like a restaurant gift card?  It acknowledges his importance in her life, and he may appreciate the gesture even if she doesn't.

Hi Pooh, I wondered what had happened since we hadn't heard from you in a while.  So sorry to hear about your arm issues, and wish you the best with your surgery and recovery.  You have such an amazing attitude - cracking jokes about hubby wrapping the gifts 🎁 ...good one!

Thank you for your words of support for those of us in the throes of difficulty with AC and/or ILs.  Your words of encouragement and those of others who have walked through the other side are what keep me coming back here, unafraid (most days, anyway) of whatever the future holds.  It is like being thrown a life preserver!

Good news about your YS and family moving closer. Enjoy those grandkids, and I'm sure they will enjoy you as well 😊

Last, sure seems like poetic justice regarding your elder son's MIL going to live with them.  Hmmmm... that might be a little too close for comfort. Good luck with that, eh?

I agree with all of the above!  Great post, Still Learning 

Hi Lilly,
I am a relative newbie, but I have read many of your posts.  This is fabulous news, and it goes to show that sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing.  You and he both deserve a lot of credit.  Thank you for sharing your update with us, and I hope it keeps going in this positive direction! 

Well, Pen, I think we've got the more meaningful, reliable and healthy solutions to our sadness....aren't we blessed to have good friends, strong legs and WWU? 

Hugs to all...
(Strong arms, too)

Still Learning - thanks so much for sharing that story about the dilemma with the camping trip vs. taking care of your GD. Sure sounds like it worked out for all of you.  I appreciate knowing you had to consciously redirect your attention toward your own enjoyment and away from guilt. 

Green Thumb - I liked the point you made about DD having such a chaotic life that she has trouble making "real plans" that she follows through with.  The other night, it was so nice to be with young people who really make us a priority in their lives rather than DD who just lately gives us the crumbs.

Dedicated Mom - I feel the pain in your story.  You have three daughters who have abandoned you.  I can't imagine the hurt you must have felt, and probably feel keenly at holiday times.  But I am very concerned that you will carry this hurt for the rest of your life, and I hope you will do whatever it takes to make the rest of it as good as can be for yourself as well as your son who truly loves you and wants you to know him.  He sounds like a wonderful man, one who you can feel very proud of! Please don't put him in the middle of this.  That is what he is asking, and he deserves to be seen on his own merits.  Turn away from your unhappiness with your daughters, and turn toward others who want to be with you.  And find ways to make yourself happy every day.  You deserve this. You can do this! 

I used to make my own daughter's story, and my heartbreak over it, into my story, and I had a captive audience for a while.  I needed to go through that, and it was gratifying that so many people cared about me. But eventually I realized it was time to reclaim my story and not have it be about my daughter's drama and the many ways she has hurt me and wronged me.  That just continually brings me down and makes me a drag to be around (I am still working on this, by the way, as I slip back into pity mode at times). I am now trying to fill my life with interesting activities, loving people and good thoughts.  I consciously choose to be uninformed about my daughter's life so I don't continually go down that road of anguish and negativity.  You can do that, too.  What can you do today to make it a good day?  Who can you reach out to?  How about planning a visit to see your son sometime - just you and him? I understand that the holidays are an emotional time, so maybe spending some time with him on his turf at a non-holiday time would be a way to nurture an adult relationship with him.

Awwww, Luise, that was beautiful. I'm going to make myself a gratitude journal.  As Still Learning just said, "What you focus on expands."  I love the comment you made about not being able to focus on two lists at the same time, and therefore not giving that "other" list any attention....brilliant! Luise, you have been and continue to be such an inspiration for all of us, and I know you are dearly loved here.  Thanks to all of you for supporting me on my journey and making me feel less alone.  Together we're stronger.

Thanks for that great advice, Still Learning!  So I'll take the bait...How do you know?  LOL...

I love the phrase "What you focus on expands."  It is a great mantra to live by.  We are actually having a nice Thanksgiving with my husband's family.  We also celebrate Christmas at the same time, so I made Christmas cookies to bring...the first time I've made them without my daughter. (and it took sooooooo long!  My DD can crank out cookies like nobody's business )  There are still times like this that I feel her absence, and I am realizing that the relationship we used to have has changed, and will probably not be as close as it was, at least not while she is involved with this guy.  It is like there is a wall between us.  I do accept that she makes her own decisions and that is her right.  That her decisions are right for her, as you mentioned, is something that I have a hard time letting go of, because they look so wrong from my vantage point.  But that is my challenge to accept.  Ha ha...I guess I don't want to steer her car, but I am trying to find a way to get her to wear her seatbelt  Guess I have to let go of that, too.

So the part I feel a bit guilty about is not seeing our daughter when she said she was available, and instead choosing to see a young couple who drove two hours just to see us!  We had a wonderful time with them, and we feel as close as family to them.  Part of me thinks it is good for us not to be available at our daughter's whim all the time.  We have lives, too.  But I also don't want it to appear vindictive.  Am I overthinking this?

Hi ladies,
My 20 year old DD, who is in the relationship with the abusive BF, is in town these past few days and called to get together...really in order for my husband to help her find a job online.  She said she'd be here a few days ago, but never showed up or called.  When DH reminded her to pick up her birth control at the pharmacy while in town (yes, we have to hand those reins over to her) there was no response.  Finally yesterday she called him asking him about credit, since she and BF are planning to move back to our area and need to get an apartment.  Getting an apartment is much more difficult and expensive here than in her small town, and she told him that she needs to find a cosigner.  No, she did not ask if WE would cosign this time, and he did not offer, thank goodness.  I still think we haven't heard the last about that.

Here is the dilemma: I feel myself getting all bent out of shape when she even calls.  I thought I was doing so well emotionally, but my heart about leaps out of my body when the phone rings.  I don't want to hear about her housing issues, and I am afraid she will say something about his family.  I feel pretty emotionally vulnerable today and yesterday and I am not sure I would keep it together in conversation with her if she came over.  Yesterday she asked when we were off for the Thanksgiving break and DH told her that I am off today (he is not off), and she said she may stop by, but would call first.  I just didn't want that, as I feel so emotionally unbalanced today, and later last night a young woman who I'm close to said she and her husband had the day off and would like to see us, and I invited her over.  She is estranged from her own parents.  We have a close relationship.  I asked DH to text our daughter to say it wouldn't work to get together since we were having out of town guests, and we love her.  She said it was okay.  We also won't see her for Thanksgiving since we are traveling to see family for the long weekend.

She does always apologize for not calling or seeing us, and says how great it will be when we live close together and how often she will see us.  I don't believe a bit of it.  She comes to our town every other weekend and only came to see us once since early August, and that was for just a few minutes (she brought us a pie and her dental bill) since her BF was waiting in the car for her. 

Right now her life is all wrapped up with him and his large FOO.  And of course the struggles with trying to get an apartment and job in our city and figuring out how to make ends meet financially.  And supporting the BF in every way, as if he were her child.  It hurts to know these things.  I do so much better when I face a different direction.  But am I just burying my head in the sand?  Am I being an unloving mother?

Does anyone understand this?  I wonder if being strong and "handling" this means I can face her kindly and bravely without qualms and without hurt or fear.  I am not there.  Perhaps I'm still too attached to her poor and hurtful decisions.  When I don't know the details, or we have some distance, I feel okay.  I guess this is not loving detachment. 

That made me both laugh and cringe!  Maybe toenails should be the least of my worries  . Hmmmm...guess it is time to go exercise and forget that extra cookie I was tempted to eat.  Gotta look good for those med students 

Thanks for the book recommendation, Pen.  I put a hold on the book at the library.  I'm one of those strange people who reads some of the obits in the Sunday paper, and occasionally think about how I'd like to be remembered.  When I read your small picture items, it reminded me to get rid of a couple of old journals that contain some angry posts on my frustrated moments as a mom.  Although I wrote those posts in Spanish so my kids would never understand them if they happened upon my journals  Anyway, best to purge those journals as those negative posts were just rants about moments in time, and not representative of my experience on the whole as a mom. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to be a mother.

Love reading your posts, Pen!  Filled with wisdom, compassion, humility and humor.  As far as the pedicures go, I'm thinking of donating my body to a medical school and I doubt the med students will be looking at my toenails 

Hi NancyBee,
I would agree with QuietSong and Pen about stepping back from most or all of these issues regarding your daughter. They are going to drive you crazy, and you have no control over them.  Here are some thoughts about some of the concerns you raised. 

What your daughter chooses to do career-wise and education-wise is her concern.  I'd stay out of it and let her figure it out.  This relates directly to her money emergencies, and I would not respond to those either.  She has made choices, and she needs to live with the consequences of them.  How else is she going to learn?  Especially when she has burned her bridges with her family after you all have done so much for her. 

Regarding her staying married to the felon, I would let that go.  We can't pick our AC's partners, but we can limit or eliminate our exposure to them.  Your daughter, of course, can choose to let your GD see/hear from this man.  I'm not sure if your concern is due to the nature of his crime, and surely that would make me extremely worried as well, but it may be totally out of your control.  As far as the issue between the granddaughters/cousins, I'm wondering why the GD who was called "butch" in a text message can't get a new cell phone number? If there is bullying behavior at school, that can be reported to the GDs teacher or school principal.

As for the GS who isn't getting the help he needs to graduate on time, there are free programs (in the US) for students to complete their HS diploma or GED that might not take all that long.  I work for such a program.  In my school district there is lots of free support to help students graduate.  High schools want to see each student graduate. As this boy is almost 18, he could meet with a school counselor to get information on his options himself.  He should be starting to advocate for himself anyway. 

Your daughter is right about one thing: her business should be private, unless it compromises someone else's safety, especially a child's. If you don't "know" her business, you can't be accused of taking sides.  But the other side of that coin is that there should be no more handouts, no free shelter provided by family members, and limited contact.  It must be tiring listening to her complain about the lack of fairness in her life.  I've been reading lately about the "medium chill" technique, and it might be useful in your dealings with her.  I posted it in the Helpful Resources  section under the title "Loving Detachment 101."

I'm sure these are enormous struggles for you, but it seems as though you know the answer to your own question about your involvement and influence.  It will never bring you peace to stay involved in trying to keep her afloat.  I don't really know how to respond to your worries about your grandchildren.  It is great that you have a good relationship with them.  I hope that will continue. 

I wish you the best in letting go of what you can.  Most of us who have started letting go of our ACs senseless decisions and behaviors and started focusing on our own lives have found peace.