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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Monroe on June 26, 2014, 11:37:20 AM

Title: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Monroe on June 26, 2014, 11:37:20 AM
This is a general piece of advice for the younger DILs out there.  And not for all of you, as I know that some of you have truly horrific MILs and FILs.  This is for the DILs whose in-laws are not just awful, just annoying.

Here goes - -  if between you and your husband, you take a "They are YOUR family, YOU deal with them" attitude, and you deal with your own FOO by yourself, you are losing a partner who could be quite valuable in years to come.  My DH I have been married 30 years, both sets of our parents are quite elderly - and it is so nice that he and I help each other with our respective parents. 

Example, I go to all the doctors appointments with my FIL.  He is in his 90's - and needs a family member with him at the doctor.  His son - my DH - cannot take half a day every time his dad needs to go to the doctor.  My schedule is flexible, I can go, and I do.  It helps my FIL, and means so much to my DH that he doesn't have to try to track the doctor down by phone later in the day.  I give him a full report and help with whatever medical decisions need to be made. 

What goes around comes around - and my DH helps with my parents.  My dad is also in his 90's, surrounded by women all the time.  Just today, my DH called my Dad, and invited him to lunch, just the two of them.  They went to a place that is geared towards men - something Dad would not want to do so much with me.  Dad got some male companionship ( which can be in short supply when you are 90+ ) - and my husband has a very appreciative wife. 

Soooo - I hate to sound like a PollyAnna - but if your in-laws are not truly awful, it could benefit you and your DH in the long run if you help each other in those in-law relationships.  Just saying. 
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: shiny on June 26, 2014, 01:53:41 PM
I agree with you a hundred percent, Monroe, but how in the world do we convince the younger generation that this is the right thing to do?

I can't even get my own AC to check on me and DH, let alone the DIL and SIL.

Last winter I had a health scare and in the hospital for ten days. My SIL has been married to my AD for twenty years, and he never once called to check on me.
I assumed we were on good terms with him, but IMO, silence during a health crisis is NOT silence at all.

I just chalked it up as a generational thing -- because DH and I worked together to help each other's parents. And my AC have witnessed this type of action, so it's not a new thing to them.
Some people just don't care...
,
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: FAFE on June 26, 2014, 05:12:53 PM
I so agree with this.  My husband and I had only been married for a year when my mother became disabled (ovarian cancer) and had to quit work.  She suffered with it for 13 years and only had a small income.  All 7 of us children and I put our heads together and each sent her a monthly amount that would help her.  My husband wrote her a check just like he paid a bill.  He never once complained about doing that.  (He did fuss at me about other spending habits every once in a while).  My mother passed away in 1989.  His elderly parents lived next door to us and when I retired  in 200I knew that his parent's would have health problems, etc.  Since I was the only one not working I ended up with 95% responsibility with their health care until they were moved into an assisted living facility.  I still was the hands on person and husband took care of their finances.  They had another son and DIL who were essentially not into caring for them.  FIL passed away in 2012 and July 4th will be one year for MIL. 

I am not confident that AC will give the same care to my husband and I.  We have one DIL who has elderly parents in Japan and a SIL who also has elderly parents.  My 2 sons live 12/14 hours away and daughter lives just 30 mins away.  I'm hoping that we have prepared well enough and can still make good decisions about our care.

This is not to be taken as a tale of woe - just the facts!
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on June 27, 2014, 04:21:54 AM
I know that I cannot depend on anyone in my "old age".. or when I will need them.  I have an adult son who is impaired, and I worry who will care for him... and another adult son who is married to a woman who detests me..  So what chances have I got.  I know that I am going to have to make arrangements outside the "family".. for my care and fortunately, I have some resources that will allow me to do that. 

Ya know..   I know I shouldn't look at the WHYs..    Why do so many mothers of men find themselves in this situation?  We all cannot be dispicable, controling, evil shrews..  Of course that is not true... but to look at this site... and so many others far less supportive of us, one would think so.  and that perplexes me.   Is our gender so insecure and petty, that another woman...mother or not, is seen as a threat instead of an ally?   Is she someone to "deal with" and rid yourself of?   Is it the goal of most young women to "Win" their prize (husband) and fend off any other female interloper.... including his mother?   I don't know.. seems so.  IS this a new phenomenon or has it always been so, and young women feel more empowered now to make these demands and draw these lines in the sand.   NO answers here.. just thinking out loud..    and of course I am guilty of generalizing and know that there ARE loving DILs out there.. but it seems they are the exception..or perhaps they just don't post on message boards.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: herbalescapes on June 28, 2014, 02:11:06 PM
I believe the "your family/your problem" rose out of frustration at dh's still considering all family interaction "women's work."  Not too long ago, it was generally agreed upon that the wife was responsible for sending xmas cards, buying birthday cards and caring for sick relatives for both sides of the family.  I would hope that couples who take on a "yfyp" stance would pitch in with the other FOO in an emergency.

If my DH can't be bothered to take off from work to take his mom to the doctor or can't be bothered to remember her birthday with a card/call/gift or can't be bothered to ask his own parents to babysit  but leaves the arranging of a sitter entirely on my shoulders, should I be considered the DILFH?  I think the vast majority of MIL/DIL problems are really DM/DS and/or DH/DW problems, with the MIL/DIL being used as a scapegoat. 

What can we do to make DH/DS shoulder more of the traditional wife-y responsibilities other than establish a yfyp policy?
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Sarah on June 29, 2014, 03:28:36 AM
Quote from: herbalescapes on June 28, 2014, 02:11:06 PM

If my DH can't be bothered to take off from work to take his mom to the doctor or can't be bothered to remember her birthday with a card/call/gift or can't be bothered to ask his own parents to babysit  but leaves the arranging of a sitter entirely on my shoulders, should I be considered the DILFH?  I think the vast majority of MIL/DIL problems are really DM/DS and/or DH/DW problems, with the MIL/DIL being used as a scapegoat. 


Thank you for that.  I couldn't agree more.  If my husband leaves his mother to me to deal with while he sticks his nose in a book, then I get blamed for not doing it right, doing it well enough, not being nice enough, etc...then really, why does HE get a pass?  It is HIS family.  Only so much you can take.  But the OP's comments seem very patronizing to me.  jmo.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: NewMama on June 29, 2014, 11:52:09 AM
Here's the thing - it's up to the married couple to decide how they want to handle it. It has to work for them. DH and I manage our household pretty evenly - we both work roughly the same hours, we both spend roughly the same amount of time solo-parenting due to my shift work, we manage bills together, manage chores together etc. No one expects him to buy birthday presents, help my parents out, call them up to chat or catch up. But the expectation of me is different. There's a lot of "the younger generation" that is no longer buying into the woman as social secretary thing anymore.

My job in our marriage is to be supportive of the relationship my DH wants us and the kids to have with his FOO - and that's what I do. If he is not willing to put in the effort, why does that become my responsibility? The mine/yours issue seems to be primarily with the DH's FOO. It's not very often that I hear complaints from the mothers of DDs who's SILs don't pick up the slack for their DDs. They complain about their DDs.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Pen on June 29, 2014, 03:24:48 PM
I completely understand the "your parents, your problem" concept. I expect my DH to take the lead dealing with my ILs, and I am the one who maintains contact with my side. If we all lived closer we might have cultivated a less divided relationship, but that's how it turned out for us. We would help either side if needed w/o worrying about who belonged to whom, but so far I do  mine and he does his. If I'm seen as a bad DIL, oh well.

However, I don't try to influence my DH to like my FOO best or to limit his interactions with his FOO the way my DIL and her FOO do with my DS. I certainly didn't expect DIL to be the social secretary, but I didn't expect to be shunned or to have limited interaction with DS due to the overbearing influence of DIL and her FOO. There's a difference between being controlling and being supportive.

Wouldn't it be great if people were honest about their motives and/or expectations? It would save a lot of time and heartache!


Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: NewMama on June 29, 2014, 04:54:45 PM
I think the yours/mine approach gets twisted into something it's really not. It doesn't mean you never interact with your spouse's family. It just means you let them take the lead and responsibility for the keeping up of the relationship. If my DH asked me to help my MIL, I would. I have asked him to help my family before and he has. My DH opted for a very long time to not go visit his mom and only see her at our home. That was his decision, he had reasons that were very big to him, I didn't necessarily agree but it was my job to be supportive of my husband, even though I knew his mom was not happy with it. That's how yours/mine looks to me.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Monroe on June 29, 2014, 06:25:24 PM
Quote from: Sarah on June 29, 2014, 03:28:36 AM
  If my husband leaves his mother to me to deal with while he sticks his nose in a book, then I get blamed for not doing it right, doing it well enough, not being nice enough, etc...then really, why does HE get a pass?  It is HIS family.  Only so much you can take.  But the OP's comments seem very patronizing to me.  jmo.

I think most MILs on this board realize that their sons fall short in maintaining the relationship.  I certainly do.  So it is usually MORE a DS issue than it is a DIL issue.  We get that.  However, it would be nice if the DIL was interested in friendship with the woman who raised such a wonderful man that the DIL wants to spend her life with him.  Surely we must have SOMETHING to offer.  RIght, Pen, Shiny, FAFE and Lilly??

We're not out to compete with the wife.  We recognize that relationship as primary, but it's nice if the DIL is an extra connection to the man's parents, just as it is nice if the man is an extra connection to his wife's parents, like my husband is to my dad. 

I'm sorry you view my comments as patronizing.  They are not. 
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: shiny on June 30, 2014, 05:03:14 AM
Ditto everything you said, Monroe ... it couldn't be said better.

And, often, time has a way of changing how we feel.
At least it did for me when I became MIL with DIL.

Now that I am "walking in those shoes," my heart sympathizes with the MIL, of course, provided that her expectations are reasonable, even minimal.

Also, it has deeply pained me b/c some of the misunderstandings I had toward my now-deceased MIL were simply that -- I misunderstood her and the love she had for her son.
Wish I could go back and start over ... I would love her to pieces.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on June 30, 2014, 05:42:00 AM
Quote from: shiny on June 30, 2014, 05:03:14 AM
Ditto everything you said, Monroe ... it couldn't be said better.

And, often, time has a way of changing how we feel.
At least it did for me when I became MIL with DIL.

Now that I am "walking in those shoes," my heart sympathizes with the MIL, of course, provided that her expectations are reasonable, even minimal.

Very true Shiny...  A tiny pebble in someone elses shoe is just that... a pebble, and not that big of a deal.   In OUR shoes.. it's a bolder, and a very big deal indeed. .   As with so many things in life.  But unfortunately, it takes walking in those shoes before we understand the pain of that pebble. 
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: jdtm on June 30, 2014, 07:03:37 AM
My husband and and I have been married for over four decades.  When we got married, we both had "four" parents - not his and not hers.  The "four" parents were ours.  And, all "four" responded fairly (and fairly does not mean equally).

Today, my husband and I have two married sons (one for the second time).  The ex-ILs were the "yours and mine" family; luckily, the FOOs of our present DILs are not.  Funny, the "yours and mine" family are having major issues with their children and grandchildren omitting them from their lives.  Coincidence?  Don't know, but often "what goes around comes around".  I believe Shakespeare called it "just reward".

Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: FAFE on June 30, 2014, 07:14:56 AM
In the early years I was the one that made the calls, got the cards, gifts, etc., for the in-laws.  At some point when life slowed down a little, DH did pick out cards for his parents and brother.  I would laugh like crazy because his mother always gave me credit for getting them.  It was hard to persuade her that he had actually picked them out.  Gifts I still did because my DH is color blind and has no fashion sense at all.

I have been married twice and was very fortunate to have had 2 great mother and father in laws.  First set treated me like one of the little children as she had a granddaughter a year younger than my husband.  Second FIL thought I had hung the moon most of the time.  MIL was a friend as well as a great MIL.  I strive to be that.  My one DIL is Japanese and she goes along with whatever my son does - or don't do.  What I always hear from him is that how "busy" their life is.  I agree but tell him to come back when he has 2 more kids and you both work full time and then do all the activities, etc., that we did for our kids.

We used to try and make the 12 hour trip up to see our grandson a couple of times a year - but they're too busy and we ended up buying every bite of food the 5 of us ate for the entire time we were there.  So, that stopped.  I mean, can you not buy a loaf of bread, a package of ham just to have something to offer us to eat?  Other son is a little better in communicating with us - but generally on his time.  Daughter and SIL live closer and we do see them more often - got a 3 year old GD that we love to visit, play with.  They both work and spend a lot of quality time with GD, so we're lucky if we see her a couple of times a month. 

I do read another website every now and then that is truly dedicated to people who hate their in-laws and are so, so happy to vilify MIL's.  Wonder how they will feel when their children realize that it's ok to treat others very badly.  I do know some of it is real and a lot of it is imagined (at least that's my take).
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Pooh on June 30, 2014, 08:29:45 AM
I have a very responsible husband who pitches in a lot.  But he is still forgetful about things concerning his family.  If we are out and I say, "Want to pick out something for your Mom's birthday next week", he'll do it in a heartbeat, but if I don't remind him it's next week, he would forget most of the time.  I remind him that we have a "get-together" this Saturday or we would miss it.  It has nothing to do with him not wanting to spend time with his Mother and family, he gets along with them fine.  He just forgets as much as he forgets when my side has something and I have to remind him.  If I didn't remind him of our side stuff too, he would forget. 

Let's be honest here.  It boils down to if you choose to do this as the wife/Mother.  I choose to do this in our household because I know he's a good guy and doesn't mean to put it on me, he just doesn't keep up with family things well....on either side.  He has 99,000 other qualities that make him a great person.  So I choose to nuture his family's relationship and do more of the before-work in order to have a great relationship with them.  I cook the pot-luck dish and I keep up with the both sides of the family outings/birthdays/holidays.  If I decided I didn't want to, we wouldn't go to anything and I'm sure his family would think we didn't like them.  Just as if I went without him to my side stuff because I decided I wasn't going to remind him any longer, my Mother would think he didn't like her.  So not true, he loves my Mother.

It's worth it to me because I know he appreciates it.  He gets a pass on this because he does so much more right.  If you choose not to do this, then nothing wrong with that either.  I'm not dogging women who choose not to do this or take on this role as you should be able to decide how much you will do too.  Everyone picks their own battles and makes their own decisions what's right for their relationships.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on June 30, 2014, 08:55:21 AM
Pooh...  I think you have just described 99.9% of the husbands/sons in the world.  They just don't do well with the social calendar.  So a wife has to decide if she is going to be the one to pick up the slack in that department.   I think it's great if she does,  and the Mom of the husband should certainly feel blessed.  On the flip side,  I suppose there is nothing wrong with NOT doing that, and letting the DH fend for himself as far as this family is concerned... but he won't most of the time, and his mom is going to be hurt and feel badly....  somehow I cannot help but believe this is the desired effect.   
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Pooh on June 30, 2014, 09:59:56 AM
I agree.  I would find it very hard to believe that a DH would remember the DW's family stuff either.  I know mine doesn't.  It's not a his or her family thing, it's neither one!  He will go to both, he just doesn't remember either side.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on June 30, 2014, 10:31:07 AM
This is what I mean.   When someone says.. "your family/your problem" to the husband.. and refuses to step in to make sure he remembers and does something... knowing full well that he won't remember... and knowing that his mom and foo will be hurt... one has to wonder if it's actually the buying the card and remembering occasions or social events that's the problem.. or is it knowing that MIL be hurt that's the intent and satisfaction..   
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: NewMama on June 30, 2014, 11:10:31 AM
It's not a desired effect. It's about a grown adult acting as a grown adult. If these men were single, who would get the blame then when they drop the ball? Why does a DH get a free pass to hurt his parents feelings by not remembering to do those things? Oh well, he's a man so it's ok. But jeez, how awful is his wife for not doing it for him. My brother used to be terrible about stuff like that. We held his feet to the fire over it, and so does SIL. He's much, much better about it now because he was held accountable for forgetting and he had to clean up the messes he made by doing so. Same thing if I screw up when it comes to my parents. My fault, my consequences. DH doesn't send his mom something for her birthday - that he put on the calendar himself? His consequences to deal with.

It's up to a married couple to figure out what works for them. Some wives are happy to be the social secretary, and some are not. I don't want my MIL's feelings hurt, and feel zero satisfaction when they are. It make my life worse when that happens. So just because a couple choose the yours/mine way of communicating, doesn't mean they're out to get their ILs.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: jdtm on June 30, 2014, 11:48:44 AM
QuoteDH doesn't send his mom something for her birthday - that he put on the calendar himself? His consequences to deal with.

I agree - no present from son should be his consequences alone.  Of course, I am assuming that you purchased your MIL a gift and/or card sent from "just you".  I am also assuming that you receive gifts or cards on your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/etc. from your ILs.  I am also assuming that you attend meals/snacks prepared by your MIL or eat meals/snacks paid by your FIL in a restaurant.  Actually, we're really talking about kindness and respect and consideration and social manners here, aren't we?   Not - your family/my family or you give/I take.

Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: NewMama on June 30, 2014, 12:06:28 PM
Quote from: jdtm on June 30, 2014, 11:48:44 AM
QuoteDH doesn't send his mom something for her birthday - that he put on the calendar himself? His consequences to deal with.

I agree - no present from son should be his consequences alone.  Of course, I am assuming that you purchased your MIL a gift and/or card sent from "just you".  I am also assuming that you receive gifts or cards on your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/etc. from your ILs.  I am also assuming that you attend meals/snacks prepared by your MIL or eat meals/snacks paid by your FIL in a restaurant.  Actually, we're really talking about kindness and respect and consideration and social manners here, aren't we?   Not - your family/my family or you give/I take.

To answer all of this: when DH remembers, he signs it from all of us. MIL doesn't acknowledge my birthday. I'm ok with that. I will say happy birthday to her if we see her near her birthday. Any present for my parents is picked out by me, and the card is signed by me on behalf of DH/kids. My parents also don't buy him birthday presents and he is happy as a clam with that. If they see him near his birthday, they will say happy birthday. That's it.

MIL gives DH and I one gift for the two of us at Christmas and a basket of stocking type stuff for the two of us. She gets one gift from the two of us and a stocking. DH picks all of it out.

I eat food my MIL prepares - she WILL NOT eat food she knows I have prepared, so DH makes any food for any time we see her. The one and only time we ate out them, DH and paid for our own meals. We're grown ups.

DH and I are happy with all of this. Since we decided to go this way, DH says he finds holidays and family things much less stressful. My point is, it works for us, and a blanket "don't do yours/mine" is telling other people how to run their marriage in a way they may find stressful and causes issues between them.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: maleficent on June 30, 2014, 12:58:33 PM
Interesting conversation. I've been reading a little while and felt compelled to jump in. I'm a DIL with 3 kids, married 10 years. I used to fill in for my DH but it got to the point where I realized that I couldn't compensate. I tried, and it wasn't working and falling short, likely because I wasn't very good at it due to my upbringing. I am not sure if "gift giving" and "card giving" is very ME. My family doesn't do gifts and special occasions. We see one another when we see each other and enjoy the company of one another when we can, even if it's a few times a year. It was very complicated for me to be filling in for him in what is considered a woman's territory when it wasn't ever my territory to begin with. It also took me awhile, about six years, to realize DH is apparently okay with the status quo and I shouldn't be taking on roles just because it's expected by anyone but him, particularly if I'm not a good fit. Would I help if his parents were moving? Sure. Would I help with a healthcare appointment? Yep. Would I do anything they might ask me to do? Likely, short of robbing a bank. Is DH ever going to call my mother or ask me to call her on special occasions? No, so I, nor she should expect it of him. Would he be there to help them move? I think so, and that's all I expect of him. Would he let me move them in if they needed care? I don't think there is even a question that he would.

I think the mileage might vary on this one. I think one can still be aloof (as I am by nature), without wanting to hurt their MIL intentionally, and let their husband's relationship stand on its own for most things. I also think that same person can be there in a heartbeat in emergency situations or where someone needs assistance. There's a huge wide gap between the two examples. What someone does for a special occasion or on a regular basis might not be indicative of how they behave when critical medical issues are at hand or even when there is a big project going on where their assistance could be of benefit. I'm new at this, so I'm sorry if it's not in keeping with the forum. Love reading what you ladies have to say from time to time.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Pooh on July 01, 2014, 08:00:25 AM
Welcome maleficent.  When you get a moment, please read the posts under "Open Me First" for the forum rules and such.  Nothing wrong with your post, we ask all new members to do so.

You are keeping perfectly with the forum.  We all offer our "takes" on the situations presented. 
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: herbalescapes on July 07, 2014, 07:51:31 AM
It's certainly nice for a DIL to forge a bond with the ILs and to pick up any social slack of her husband, however, she should not be villified for not doing it.  Whether her motivation is because she has too much on her plate, it's not her personality, or she's hoping her MIL will be devastated, she should not be held to a higher standard than the DS.  This would go for SILs and DDs, too, but as it's been pointed out, most DM of DD hold their DD accountable, not the SIL in such situations.

A lot of problems occur in families because people assume they know the motivation behind an action. I think we are on shaky ground when we make moral judgments based on the motivating factors instead of the action itself. 
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: OptingOut on July 07, 2014, 05:52:30 PM
Quote from: Sarah on June 29, 2014, 03:28:36 AM
Quote from: herbalescapes on June 28, 2014, 02:11:06 PM

If my DH can't be bothered to take off from work to take his mom to the doctor or can't be bothered to remember her birthday with a card/call/gift or can't be bothered to ask his own parents to babysit  but leaves the arranging of a sitter entirely on my shoulders, should I be considered the DILFH?  I think the vast majority of MIL/DIL problems are really DM/DS and/or DH/DW problems, with the MIL/DIL being used as a scapegoat. 


Thank you for that.  I couldn't agree more.  If my husband leaves his mother to me to deal with while he sticks his nose in a book, then I get blamed for not doing it right, doing it well enough, not being nice enough, etc...then really, why does HE get a pass?  It is HIS family.  Only so much you can take.  But the OP's comments seem very patronizing to me.  jmo.

I agree with the patronizing tone.

I am a very loving DIL even though my MIL doesn't deserve it. For example, she called yesterday because she was distressed about the power outage in her area. (Not sure how the phone worked...) My MIL also likes to complain about my beloved SIL (My BIL's wife) to me. I quietly listened to my MIL criticize my SIL as a mother. For example, I said that my niece has such beautiful curly red hair. My MIL responded with complaints about my SIL not grooming her properly. My MIL said that my BIL was hovering over his daughter too much just because he put sunscreen on his child's porcelain skin. She even said that my niece needs a sibling, when she know darn well that my SIL suffers from secondary infertility. My MIL does nice things out of a sense of duty but she is a very mean and bitter woman. She is also a racist.

Some MILs feel that their bad behavior is justified because they feel "displaced" or "ignored". You and I both know this is pure nonsense.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on July 08, 2014, 04:20:18 AM
SO.......  I guess the take away here ladies IS..... if you have sons.. you are probably going to get the shaft when it comes to contact... because no matter HOW unjust it is.. guys are just not like the ladies when it comes to social contact... even with their own families.   AND... in todays world, wives just do not want to take on that roll.. and if they do, they resent it.   I accept that..  It's probably aways going to be that way with men.. which is exactly what the little loving boys of today will grow up to be.   
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Monroe on July 08, 2014, 07:07:59 AM
Quote from: OptingOut on July 07, 2014, 05:52:30 PM

I agree with the patronizing tone.


Opting, we all see things through our own personal lens.  You are viewing my comments (O.P.) through the lens of your experiences with your mother and MIL.  I am not in fact patronizing, and have not done the things your MIL has.

Lilly, good point.   
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Pooh on July 08, 2014, 08:40:20 AM
For all that are commenting about a "patronizing tone", We do not even assume to know what a poster's "tone" is from what they write, unless it is blatantly obvious someone is being rude, mean and breaking the forum rules, and then the admins will deal with it.

You are welcome to write your "take" on a subject, but you are not welcome to comment on what you think of a poster. 




Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: sofia13 on July 12, 2014, 01:51:24 PM
SO.......  I guess the take away here ladies IS..... if you have sons.. you are probably going to get the shaft when it comes to contact... because no matter HOW unjust it is.. guys are just not like the ladies when it comes to social contact... even with their own families.   AND... in todays world, wives just do not want to take on that roll.. and if they do, they resent it.   I accept that..  It's probably aways going to be that way with men.. which is exactly what the little loving boys of today will grow up to be.   
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Lilly, with all due...

I really don't think this is an issue with the wives of "todays world"... MILs and DILs have been butting heads since the beginning of time, and probably will continue for generations to come. So, we shouldn't blame a DS's disconnect on wives of "todays world".

I'm a DIL, and I like the OPs ideals about family & Ils... I just don't think they're very realistic (sorry). From the get go, my MIL didn't treat me like I was part of "her family".  She treated me more like compitetion, an outsider, a threat if you will. We'll, 11 yrs. later DH and I are happily married with four kids and the shoe is on the other foot (some what). She dosen't have the same signifiance level in his life as she once did.

Don't get me wrong! DH loves his mom and FOO, but there have been many times were I've had to encourage him to take up more time with them. I KNOW FOR A FACT that his FOO will blame me if he dosen't! Frankly, I just think its easier for FOO to blame the DIL than the DS. Some just don't want to believe that HE just isn't as interested in spending time with his FOO as he was when he was signle.

On the same token, I do have sons. While, I'm not expecting to always hold the same significance level in their lives as I do now; I do hope they'll always love & make time for me. God forbid they don't, it would hurt! I'd probably be tempted to blame DIL too. However, I have enough experience to know that it really isn't the DILs responsibility. And blaming/resenting her would probably push me away even more.


SO even though the OPs ideals sound nice, I think MILs might get a little further by having a heart to heart with DSs on such matters, rather than holding DIL accountable.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Stilllearning on July 12, 2014, 05:59:19 PM
Sofia,  I do not blame my DIL.  I do have issues with her and I do believe that she thinks that I resent her.  She feels like she had to fight for my DS's hand,and to be honest I did object.  I objected not on the grounds of who he was marrying, but WHEN they tied the knot.  I wanted them to both get a college education before they married......

As for the "not accepting her into the family" I can totally see where things got off track.  When I met my DIL she was just the girl my DS was dating.  Somewhere along the line her importance (and mine) shifted and suddenly she was the one he listened to and I was not.   I thought I could talk to my DS without him relaying everything I said to her.  Nobody ever informed me of the change in status.  Before I was aware of the change I was being treated like the awful woman who stuck her nose into everything.

So now I am blamed for all of the statements I made (even when I thought they were no longer a couple,,,,,BIG MISTAKE!) when I thought that I was his main adviser but I was not.  I will probably never live this down......and my son and his wife will be the  losers along with me.   My problem is that they will not figure this out.......at least not while I am alive. 
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: herbalescapes on July 15, 2014, 03:41:59 AM
I am simply shocked at the idea that mothers should resign themselves to being left out just because they have sons because men aren't good at social contact.  I thought gender stereotyping wasn't socially acceptable.  Many men do keep in touch with their families and take the lead on remembering to send cards, buy gifts, arrange get-togethers, thereby proving that men CAN do it. 

It wasn't too long ago that the idea of a DH doing the laundry or the cooking or changing a diaper was laughable, but today we'd call a man a chauvinist pig if he tried to weasel out of traditionally DW tasks just because he has a Y chromosome. 

Men may shirk the social niceties in their family lives, but in the business world, they are aces.  I think over half the Christmas cards I receive are from people who want me to hire them to sell my house or manage my money or donate to their cause.  If a man wants a promotion or wants to be hired or wants to sell you something, then all of a sudden he can pick up the phone and chitchat or arrange lunch or wish you a happy birthday.  When the motivation is right, men observe the social niceties AOK.

If a non-custodial father doesn't reach out to his kids, doesn't call them to keep in touch or remember their birthdays or ignores his visitation days or bails on attending the soccer game/school play, we don't sadly shake our heads and say, "Oh well, men just aren't adept at the social graces."  No, we call him a DEADBEAT DAD.  Granted, AC don't have the same level of obligation to their parents as they do to their minor children, but in both instances men don't deserve a pass simply because they are men.

The take away should be to raise a son to be as socially responsible as if he were a daughter and when he reaches adulthood, don't shift blame onto his DW when he drops the ball. 

Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on July 15, 2014, 05:03:46 AM
Well, then I guess I, and most of us here have raised socially irresponsible sons then..  and as usual.. blame the mother.  lol!!

Sorry, I respectfully disagree.  Men for the most part are not into the social graces like women are, and no amount of "proper" raising is going to change that.  It's hardwired.   They also don't look for social slights, hidden agendas and nuances like women do either.   I stand by my statement.  If you have boys... you may very likely find yourself slighted.  It is what it is.   AND my guess is that the DILs of today, will very likely find themselves in the same situation when their sons are grown.   Not a pleasant thought for sure.. BUT.. again it is what it is.     
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Stilllearning on July 15, 2014, 05:20:13 AM
True that the roles for men and women are changing but we are in the early stages of that.  We still look on the female auto mechanic as something less than sexy and at the male nurse as something less than manly.  So I guess I should raise my boys to be more feminine and thereby allow them to kidded and bullied mercilessly during their formative years. Great.  I guess that would make them more likely to keep in touch with Mommy!
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: jdtm on July 15, 2014, 07:58:42 AM
QuoteI am simply shocked at the idea that mothers should resign themselves to being left out just because they have sons because men aren't good at social contact.

Herbal - in my case, when I tried to be "included", I was considered to be an interfering and controlling MIL.  All I wanted was to see my family sometime during one or two of the holidays a year.  It was not meant to be - our son IL's controlled the entire holidays (Christmas for example stretched for at least a week and they lived within one half hour of our son and his family).  So, no holidays, no birthdays and no replies to any invitations (they were always busy).  Sometimes, though, we would go out to dinner on the spur of the moment (I'm talking once every two years or so).  I just quit asking.  And, we got on with our lives. 

Things have now changed - our DIL left her husband and abandoned her children but the scars are deep and the hurt always raw.  We see them but .....

Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Pen on July 15, 2014, 09:33:09 AM
I would guess that most of us current MILs are now or have been DILs ourselves at some point. We may have had a wonderful MIL to model ourselves after or a truly heinous MIL who showed us how not to be. We have had the experience of being both a DIL and a MIL, so most of us "get it." DILs who have not been MILs don't have quite the same frame of reference, but that doesn't mean they can't try to understand.

Many DILs claim that they do not/cannot influence our DSs to reject or ignore us. That may be true in some cases, but it actually happened in mine starting the minute the wedding vows were spoken. Subsequently, our family & extended family has been changed by one young woman with an agenda. When DS tried to maintain a relationship with us, going so far as to plan outings including both FOOs, we were shunned and/or uninvited by DIL's FOO. It made his life miserable, so we encouraged him to put his wife first and work it out with her. I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind I thought DIL would appreciate that and adjust her treatment of us accordingly, but we're still not considered worthy of a relationship with her (unless she needs something from us, lol.) Not fair, but what are we going to do? If we speak up we're seen as whiney, manipulative or combative. If we say nothing we slowly but surely become a dim memory.

We're also at the bottom of the holiday/birthday/celebration/news list and see DS/DIL sporadically, usually on the spur of the moment. We miss our son, his sister misses her brother, his grandparents and other relatives would like to see him occasionally (DS & DIL only travel to visit her family.) We're moving on, but sometimes it hurts.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on July 15, 2014, 09:42:39 AM
QuoteI suppose somewhere in the back of my mind I thought DIL would appreciate that and adjust her treatment of us accordingly, but we're still not considered worthy of a relationship with her (unless she needs something from us, lol.) Not fair, but what are we going to do? If we speak up we're seen as whiney, manipulative or combative. If we say nothing we slowly but surely become a dim memory.

OR... as in my case, if you keep your distance, try not to interfer, offer advise, call to make plans or see how the kids are doing,  you get accused of being cold and uncaring and not really loving your grandchildren.    When you are in a lose/lose situation, it really doesn't matter what you do..   

Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: herbalescapes on July 15, 2014, 05:18:52 PM
For some reason this thread is sticking in my head. 
Sometimes it's easier to see the double standard when we reverse it.  How would any of us reply to a post like this:

My SIL is a mean, nasty, vindictive, hateful person. My DD has a hard time with numbers and managing money.  Men are just better at such things.  My DD often overdraws her checking account, maxes out her credit cards, and gets stuck with fees for not paying her bills on time.  I know she's a good person.  She doesn't mean to be irresponsible; she's just a girl and girls aren't really good with numbers.

My SIL absolutely refuses to help out.  He won't get a joint bank account or a joint credit card or arrange to pay her bills.  He refuses to buy a home with her because he's afraid her poor money management would result in a foreclosure.  They are stuck renting an apartment and this isn't good for the GC.  If they'd buy a home, the GC could have a yard to play in and their own bedrooms and a pet or two.

With technology these days, it would be so easy for him to manage her finances.  He could keep on top of her spending and make sure her bills are paid on time.  It's really the GC who suffer because money spent on late fees takes away from their college funds.  But SIL refuses to budge.  He says he wants a "your finances, your responsibility" policy.  What can I do to make SIL realize he needs to step in and help my DD with her finances?


No one should get a fee pass on adult responsibilities because of their gender.  The basics of social interaction, like the basics of money management, are pretty simple.  Men excel at social interaction in the business world - they just refer to it as networking instead of socializing.  There is no excuse for a man to get off scott free for not calling/texting/etc his FOO once in awhile.  If a DS wants his FOO in his children's lives, he can arrange a dinner or lunch or outing to the zoo.  We're not talking brain surgery here, we're talking things MEN DO EVERYDAY AT WORK.  If my dad could learn to vacuum and change a diaper even though his dad never did that stuff, there's no reason the adult men of today can't learn to keep in touch with their FOOs.  As long as people give the adult men in their lives a free pass on the social niceties, however, the men have no reason to change.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Stilllearning on July 15, 2014, 06:41:27 PM
OK Herbal, I will give you the fact that it is up to the male to keep in touch also.  However, if I had not said "We are spending Thanksgiving with my family so we need to spend Christmas with yours" my DH would have been more than happy to forgo his family entirely.  The basis of my wonderful relationship with my MIL actually rests with me, the DIL who included her,  asked for advise from her, treasured her opinion and made her feel a part of our family.  And yes, sometimes she did get on my nerves!!  But she is family, and there is not a single person in my FOO who has not gotten on my nerves....and often worse than my MIL!
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: sofia13 on July 15, 2014, 07:23:40 PM
Herbalescapapes,.

I totally agree with you.  Men should not be given free passes for ignoring his FOO, its wrong! DS knew his family a lot longer than DW. HE should remember calling FOO to say happy birthday, mothers day, Merry Christmas, How are you doing, etc.


This thread kind of reminds me of a cheating husband scenario: The wife blames the mistress, but lets the cheating husband off the hook "because he's just a man" after all and couldn't help it.  I think we can all agree that husband will just keep cheating on his wife... Why not? She'll let him off the hook and keep blaming the other woman.

Lilly,

I truly hope that my sons don't forget me when they're grown (and I'm so sorry if you're experiencing this). I wouldn't wish that on any loving mom. But, God forbid they do, I don't think I would use the "it's because he's a man" excuse. I know lots of sons who keep in contact with FOO after they marry. Yes, men and woman are different in many ways. But, when something/someone is really important to you, you find the time, regardless of your gender. You have every right to disagree (I respect your opinion).

If my DSs only true motivation for keeping in contact with me is because his DW had to remind him, I'm not sure that would make me feel any better... Although, from a hurting mothers stand point I suppose it's better than nothing.

Quick question:

What if DS forgot his wedding anniversery? Would it be okay if DIL blamed it on the MILs of the world today for not reminding him?



Monroe,

I wasn't going to ask this at first bc I didn't want to come across as confrontational. But, I'd respectfully like to ask what kind of things you might have done (or did) for your MIL & DIL to make her feel like family?

You only mentioned your FIL. Most conflicts I've read here involve MIL/DIL (FILs are usually the easy ones). I ask this question in all fairness bc often, MILs want their DILs to treat them like family, but don't do the same for DIL.  In the beginning of my relationship with DH, my MIL made it very clear to me that DS was her family, NOT ME...

It's a bit of a double standard to expect DIL to treat MIL like family, if MIL didn't do the same.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: sofia13 on July 16, 2014, 03:47:00 AM
Quote from: Stilllearning on July 15, 2014, 06:41:27 PM
The basis of my wonderful relationship with my MIL actually rests with me, the DIL who included her,  asked for advise from her, treasured her opinion and made her feel a part of our family. 

Stilllearning,

The basis of a wonderful relationship (IMO) rest on both parties involved, relationships are two way streets.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Stilllearning on July 16, 2014, 04:20:36 AM
So true Sofia and ruining one takes two also. 
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on July 16, 2014, 04:30:43 AM
Thank you very much for your posts Herbal and Sophia....   however, I believe all of us in this situation know how it SHOULD be... and what our DSs SHOULD do.  However, I have been lead to believe that this site leaves the SHOULDs.. the WOULDs and the COULDs out of it and focuses on what actually IS.   We all know how we wish our sons and their wifes would be... but the fact remains they are NOT..   SO.. since this site is for sharing and compassion, your input, while interesting is not particularly helpful... at least to me.  I have to deal with how things are..  SO do you have any insight on that?  From experience?  How do we fix it?   We all know we need to accept how it is and have our own lives and be happy.. BUT just knowing that does not make it so.  It does not take the hurt away.  This is why I value this place.   To be able to talk to other MILs and share compassion and understanding... being able to vent to ladies that have been there and to learn from them is the most helpful thing of all... I'm speaking for myself.. but I suspect others feel the same.  Louise has made this a caring and sharing site..  and that is what keeps me reading and participating.  It doesn't feel so much like a lecture coming from someone who understands how it feels to walk in my shoes. 
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Pooh on July 16, 2014, 06:36:58 AM
See, this is where I get confused about responses here at times.  First, let me assure you, I totally blame my OS.  I also totally blame my DIL.  I'm an equal opportunity blamer.  Why?  Well I can only speak from my experience.  But his is how the conversations have went.

Me to OS: So are you doing Christmas Eve with DIL's parents or what are the plans.  We're trying to figure out when a good time to do ours would be that would work for you guys.
OS to Me: We are going to her parents Christmas day but not until around 4:00 p.m.
Me to OS: So would Christmas morning work for you guys?  That's when all the out-of-towners will be at your Grandmas.
OS to Me: Yes, that would work perfectly.

Next week

OS to Me: Hey, Christmas morning isn't going to work.  DIL has already made plans to go to her BFF's that morning to exchange gifts.
Me to OS: Ok, how about the weekend before or after?  You'll miss the other family members, but we can still do ours with Grandma.
OS to Me: Either one of those should work, I'll get with DIL.

Next week

OS to Me:  Hey, neither of those work because DIL says we are going to her cousins the weekend before and she's made plans to go shopping with her Mom the weekend after.
Me to OS:  Ok, when would work for you guys?
OS to Me:  I'll get back with you.

Several weeks later

Me to OS: We know anything?  It's two weeks until Christmas.
OS to Me: Umm.....well....we literally are booked the next month with Dil's family stuff.  I was going to come over myself on Christmas Eve morning while DIL went to BFF thing, but she got mad that I wasn't going with her.
Me to OS: Ok, well I hope you guys have a great Christmas

Literally, this was my conversations every holiday, every time we asked them to do something and even when we totally left the dates/times up to them.  Was I mad at my OS for not standing up to DIL and saying, "Ok look.  We need to make time for my FOO too.  Or, I know you want me to go with you, but I need to go over there for a bit."  Of course I was mad at him for not standing up for his FOO.  But at the same time, I am mad at DIL for not being cooperative either.  DIL doesn't like us so of course she doesn't want to come over.  I'm good with that.  But she also doesn't want him to come alone and gets mad at him when he suggests it.  So what do you think he's going to do?  He loves her, he married her and he doesn't want to cause problems in his own home.  I don't blame him for that...I blame her for that.  For making him choose.



Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Pooh on July 16, 2014, 06:58:17 AM
Oh, and what I meant about getting confused.  We tell our DS's that they should be loyal to their wife and that their wife comes first.  I truly do believe that.  But then we say that the DS should take the blame for the loss of relationship with the FOO and not the DIL.  Well, that totally depends on each individual's own story and experience.  Yes, a lazy DS that just chooses not to be in charge of social interactions with his FOO should be held accountable.  But there are also situations where the DS gets caught in the middle of trying to do the right thing with his FOO and gets blocked by the DIL.  So when you say blame the DS and not the DIL, that doesn't always ring true. 

There is never a one-size-fits-all response when it comes to these things. 
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on July 16, 2014, 08:32:04 AM
This is all very true.. But I have learned that how you raise someone is not always a guarantee of how they will behave as an adult.   In my case, my son does keep in touch.  He does bring the kids to see me..  he does remember Mothers Day and my Birthday even if it is with just a phone call..  BUT he is a guy...  He does NOT keep me in the loop like DIL does with her mother.   She has told me she speaks to her mom every day sometimes twice.....  My son calls every few weeks.   Obviously her mom knows all the goings on with the kids..   I don't have a clue.   When my son calls, I ask how the kids are and his reply is "Fine"..    I talk to the kids and try to make conversation.. "how's school"...."fine"..... What have you been doing.. "nothing"...   and so on.     I have no idea what is going on with the kids at school.  what activities they are in.. what interesting things they are doing..  WHY?   Because my son is a man and men really don't see that stuff as information of much importance.  At least not important enough to warrant a phone call.   My DIL certainly doesn't care.   She never called me even when we had a relationship of sorts.  If I would have called her everyday to talk like her mom does... how do you think that would have went over?   I would have been thought a nosey busybody.  Mom's of boys seldom if ever get much more from what I have been able to see.   It's how it is... and something we have to accept.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: sofia13 on July 16, 2014, 08:33:55 AM
Quote from: Stilllearning on July 16, 2014, 04:20:36 AM
So true Sofia and ruining one takes two also.

Agreed!

This is why I took issue with putting the blame on the DIL for MIL/DS failed relationship in the first place. "It takes two to ruin a relationship" should be a mantra to people who have failed relationships with their DSs.

PS. I realize there are somethings that are beyond a parents controll. There are times when a relationship with a child has failed at no fault of the parents (i.e., a childs drug use) but in my expereince it does take two.
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on July 16, 2014, 08:36:22 AM
Quote from: sofia13 on July 16, 2014, 08:33:55 AM
Quote from: Stilllearning on July 16, 2014, 04:20:36 AM
So true Sofia and ruining one takes two also.

Agreed!

This is why I took issue with putting the blame on the DIL for MIL/DS failed relationship in the first place. "It takes two to ruin a relationship" should be a mantra to people who have failed relationships with their DSs.

PS. I realize there are somethings that are beyond a parents controll. There are times when a relationship with a child has failed at no fault of the parents (i.e., a childs drug use) but in my expereince it does take two.

So... exactly WHAT is your experience with this issue..??
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Stilllearning on July 16, 2014, 10:41:22 AM
Actually I was referring to the relationship between you and your MIL.  I accept the mistakes I made with both my DIL and my DS but it seems to me that you want to place all of the blame on your MIL and/or your DH.  Or maybe I misread it and you have a good relationship with her?  I know that there are problems between her and her DS (your DH) which I can certainly blame him for but how is your relationship with your MIL?
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: sofia13 on July 16, 2014, 01:12:53 PM
Lilly,

Whelp, I do have experience as the DIL who gets the blame when DS doesn't contact his FOO. I know from experience how unfair it is. Esp., since I encourage DS to contact his FOO and spend more time with them. I also let him choose every year how we spend the holidays; or whether or not he wants to invite FOO to kids school events or bday parties. I understand how important FOO is. I also want our children to have relationships with BOTH sides of their FOO. Most of the problem with DH & FOO is that he doesn't have as much interest to be around them as he once did; some of it is that he did grow tired of his DM (the guilt trips, the manipulation, and the neediness, the meddling). DH calls DM once per week and told me that sometimes, he only calls home bc he feels obligated to.

Stilllearning,

My relationship with MIL is cordial (I don't like her, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual) but we're cordial. I contact her for holidays, birthday, and mother's day. When she visits once a year, I'm considerate and respectful. I'm sure to give her alone time with GKs and DS; I make sure she has what she needs to be comfortable; I invite her along with the GKs and I, etc. But when she leaves, I'm as happy as a lark. We're not close. No matter how kind I am, I think she'll always see me as the one who took her place. She will only visit once a year and I'm more than okay with that.  ;)
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on July 17, 2014, 04:15:10 AM
Quote from: sofia13 on July 16, 2014, 01:12:53 PM
Lilly,

Whelp, I do have experience as the DIL who gets the blame when DS doesn't contact his FOO. I know from experience how unfair it is. Esp., since I encourage DS to contact his FOO and spend more time with them. I also let him choose every year how we spend the holidays; or whether or not he wants to invite FOO to kids school events or bday parties. I understand how important FOO is. I also want our children to have relationships with BOTH sides of their FOO. Most of the problem with DH & FOO is that he doesn't have as much interest to be around them as he once did; some of it is that he did grow tired of his DM (the guilt trips, the manipulation, and the neediness, the meddling). DH calls DM once per week and told me that sometimes, he only calls home bc he feels obligated to.

Stilllearning,

My relationship with MIL is cordial (I don't like her, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual) but we're cordial. I contact her for holidays, birthday, and mother's day. When she visits once a year, I'm considerate and respectful. I'm sure to give her alone time with GKs and DS; I make sure she has what she needs to be comfortable; I invite her along with the GKs and I, etc. But when she leaves, I'm as happy as a lark. We're not close. No matter how kind I am, I think she'll always see me as the one who took her place. She will only visit once a year and I'm more than okay with that.  ;)


Thank you so much for responding Sofia..  your experience is exactly what I thought it would be.   So if I am to take away something from your posts it's that unless our sons are impaired in someway.. like drug addicts.. or I would add, maybe in prison...  it's probably our own fault for some reason and that our sons likely hate us and don't really want to talk to us.  AND if they do decide to call us it's only because  feel some sort of obligation to do so. So we should just accept it and figure its just something we deserve.  Also... that our DILs are probably blameless and likely encouraging our sons to call us and to include us...  but to no avail.. so to place any blame on the DIL is likely more evidence of our insecurity and jealousy.     That's very helpful Sofia..

Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on July 17, 2014, 04:55:47 AM
Oh...  and Sofia...  I forgot to ask.   Since this site is to give compasionate advise and understanding, as well as to share our experiences with others, what advise do you have for us MILs who are feeling left out and hurt?  What, using your experience,  should we do to make the situation better, or to at least make the hurt go away and to feel better? 
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Stilllearning on July 17, 2014, 06:12:24 AM
Oh Lily, I hurt for you and I totally get where you are coming from!  Please do not let someone on this forum push your buttons!  Don't let her matter to your life.  She has her own life to lead and lessons to learn and I would not trade places even if I could.  Sending hugs!!!!
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on July 17, 2014, 06:48:17 AM
My apology if my posts were hash.  I was making a point, and trying to do so delicately.   I do not  respond to posts from DILs complaining about their MILs.. because I know very well that I am biased... of course due to my own experience with MY DIL. I know myself and  therefore, rather than take it out on some innocent DIL, with a real issue, I don't interject my own negative  feelings into a response.   I would NEVER respond to a DIL who is hurting with reasons why she may wrong and perhaps deserves such treatment.   Therefore I defer to those who are more able to post helpful and understanding advise.  I am mature enough to be able to look at myself and my emotions and realize that I may not be the best one to respond.  I also realize that  not every DIL is MY DIL... and I don't have to jump in and let her know how horrible MY DIL is and that she most likely is too.   Does that make sense?    And that is what I feel was happening here.  I am not upset... nor are my buttons pushed...  It takes a heck of a lot more to do that..  Thank you StillLearning for your caring.  And again, I value those here who have offered their personal insight and their triumphs.  It's much easier to cope when you know others have weathered the same storm and learn how that have did it. 
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Lillycache on July 17, 2014, 06:52:01 AM
Oh how I wish I could edit....   Last sentence...  and to learn how they did it..  OR have done it...  lol!!!
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Stilllearning on July 17, 2014, 08:10:39 AM
I understand.  I wish I had a nickle for every time I typed something out on this site and then decided not to post it.  I find that just thinking it through enough to type it out often helps me put things into prospective and then I find that therapeutic enough that I no longer feel the need to post.   Glad you are OK!!
Title: Re: Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude
Post by: Pooh on July 17, 2014, 11:26:17 AM
I think it's very easy to take a post personally sometimes. No matter if you are a DIL or MIL.  I have myself have from time to time.  Those I usually step away from pretty quickly before I do say something that I shouldn't.  We are all human here.  I also know that I have a harder time when someone is offering advice that hasn't really shared their story or difficulties yet.  We want to feel like the person sharing does know how we are feeling.  And a DIL that is being treated badly by an MIL is equally bad to an MIL that is being treated badly by a DIL. 

So let's move on from this one.  I think both sides have given some good examples and hopefully we each learned something.