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Problem Solving => Grandchildren => Topic started by: lcollins on September 03, 2011, 08:57:55 AM

Title: cant understand
Post by: lcollins on September 03, 2011, 08:57:55 AM
hi everyone. not on here much but now i just cant deal with this anymore i think im going crazy :( i cant understand why anyone would not want their own mother in the life of their daughter. i made some mistakes as a mom but i am not bad or mean. ive never been nasty to them or anything. ok maybe they see me as controlling but deep down inside im only trying to help. its been almost a year and no contact for me :( they wont even talk to me, blocked me from emails and calling and they moved out of state. pretty far out of state, saying its because of me :(  they did not even invite me to the going away party and when i showed up because i knew it was the only way to see kid they called the police on me! im sorry but i am so upset over this, cant sleep or eat and it consumes me at times. im planning on going to their state next month maybe they will let me see grand daughter :( they said give us space and i did and they still not responding to me. every time i do get a hold of him its because i call his phone from payphones he says i can see her and then changes mind. i think its his wife. he is sucked into her lies and she has changed him and brainwashed him. im not waiting anymore for them to allow me to see them. obviously they are very threatened by me and my relationship with my grand daughter!!! been praying about this. i know God wont let her carry on forever without paying a price. one day i know what goes around comes around. sometimes it takes years and years. i hope i live long enough to witness it, im not really in good health, have had some heart troubles a few years ago. sorry for the long venting but im really lost, any help with what to do please? i have emailed and called and even went to their house before they moved to talk to her and she opened door and shut it in my face! what is left to do?
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Begonia on September 03, 2011, 09:44:37 AM
Hi Lcollins and welcome.  You will find a lot of supportive folks here.  I sure can sense your anguish about your situation and am sorry for that pain.  I am a newby here too so really won't offer advice to you, but just know that this crisis can be managed by you.  Just for a few minutes do something nice for you whether it's to have a special coffee, to get a haircut, to walk in a garden.  Take time to appreciate all you have done as a mom.  There will be more responses to your post but in the meantime you can gather strength by reading some of the other posts here and take to heart some of the responses that feel right.  Stay tuned in here and keep posting.  There will be a better day!!
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Pen on September 03, 2011, 10:03:16 AM
Welcome, LCollins. Take a deep breath...Begonia's advice to do something nice for yourself today is spot on.

Next, and I know it's hard to do, step back from trying to contact your AC and focusing on them 24/7. Find a support group, a hobby, make travel plans, or take a class...whatever fits for you. It seems to me that many times our skittish AC run like scared rabbits from too much pressure from mom. It may not seem unreasonable to us, but to them it is overwhelming. When the pressure is off they often feel more comfortable about renewing a relationship.

This site is great for supporting us as we make our way on this often confusing new path towards personal progress. Keep reading & posting; you'll see.

Oh, by the way if you haven't already read the Forum Agreement under Open Me First on the home page, please do so now. Your post is fine, but we want to be sure everyone understands the site policies.
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: lcollins on September 03, 2011, 11:26:34 AM
Thanks guys. It is very hard and no one knows the pain unless they are in it. I have been reading a lot and there are some good books that help you regain control of yourself. Sometimes though I think if I was right in front of them what would they do? They are being selfish for not letting me see MY grand daughter and I know it bothers her too. They are being very selfish. Has anyone been able to get through to their grandchild here? Also what does AC mean?
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Doe on September 03, 2011, 11:35:18 AM
Hi-

I don't know if this applies to you but I've found there's a difference between acting like you're letting go and actually letting go.   You can not call them but if you wake up every morning and go to bed thinking about them every day, you really haven't let go.
 
If you can find some way to immerse yourself in your own life - set some goals of your own to meet, find some people who could really use your help, improve your own life immensely - there's still plenty of time to be happy.



Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Pen on September 03, 2011, 01:05:03 PM
Lcollins, AC means "adult children."

Well said, Doe.

Lcollins, it sounds as if you are in a very raw and painful state right now. It will get better, I promise, but it does take a bit of a commitment to change. There will be up days and down days, steps forward and steps back, but overall you will make progress towards the best life you can live for you. No matter how they treat you, you can be good to yourself. Eventually you won't allow anyone else define you or be in control of your happiness. You can't change them, unfortunately, but you can change your reaction to them (which seems like it's mostly harming you anyway.)
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: luise.volta on September 03, 2011, 02:01:20 PM
Yup...they are in charge of themselves and you are in charge of yourself. Good news!
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: luise.volta on September 03, 2011, 05:05:36 PM
LC - To catch up on the abbreviations...go to Forum Support. There is a thread there that will help. AC is adult children.

We have expectations that may seem reasonable to us but far too often they are not factored into other people's lives as we think they should be.To start the healing process,  we have to move past what we think we deserve and on to what comes our way. That's where healing comes from...getting what is ours to decide and what isn't. Simple but not easy. Sending love...
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: lcollins on September 04, 2011, 06:16:39 AM
so i have to give up and never see her again? i believe my son will eventually realize that this is not right. my husband and i and my sister got together and went to my sons job a few months ago (he owns a small pest control office) and met with him in his office to try to get through to him about his wife. thats how i know this is all her because he said he wants me to see my grand daughter!
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: whyme on September 04, 2011, 06:29:35 AM
I'm so sorry that this is happening toyou and so many others. I just found this site as I'm very confused about my dtr cutting me out of her life. None of this makes sense to me and as I keep reading other posts I don't feel so alone.  I really can't express how I feel except that it's aged me and my health is seems to be deteriorating, ok, maybe my age doesn't help but like you I don't know what to do.  I'm staying away from my dtr, her partner and my new granddaughter and those so called friends of hers but it hurts. I really would like to move on, but the truth is I would love to have my realationship back with my dtr but I know it will never happen.
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Pooh on September 04, 2011, 07:14:49 AM
It's not giving up LC, it's realizing that you can't do anything about it, only they can.  The more you push since they asked for space, the more they are going to resist.  Calling from pay phones to try to get through is just showing them that you are not respecting their wishes.  Showing up places where you were not invited and trying to go around their blocks is just going to make them more angry.  You DS may say he wants you to see her, but until he does step up and do something about it, there is nothing you can do.

Step back completely and work on healing yourself so when they do come to want that relationship, you will be able to let go of the resentment and anger and have a fresh start.  We all want those relationships, but until both sides want it, you are banging your head against a wall.
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Begonia on September 04, 2011, 07:49:35 AM
I agree, Pooh. It's like that old saying about insanity being if we keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  It does feel as if you are going crazy when things won't work the way we are certain they should work. 

But, whyme, it's your peace of mind at stake here, your life.  For me, in order to feel in control of my life I had to stop trying to control DS and DD lives.  Once I accepted that I was being too pushy (this was the hard one...how could inviting my family to visit be pushy? How could wanting to visit my GC be pushy?, once I realized that it was me who could stop the craziness,of their rejection, then my life began to feel less insane.  I was plagued by all those questions that have no answers.  I finally had to just take two Advil and move ahead.  I had to accept that my relationship with my AC was going to be different than I dreamed it would be; I had to accept that I might not see the GC more than once a year; I had to accept that my life was going to change. 

Yes, there are hard days, like weekends like this one, when my GD is having a party for her 14th BD (just for girlfriends);it still hurts to think I am not a part of that family occasion.  I have to be ok with that and move on.  My family no longer defines my happiness as a person.  They are adults now, and I have to treat them that way.  Having said that, I will never let them disrespect me again.  On the other hand, I know I have to give them space to live their own lives. 
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Begonia on September 04, 2011, 07:53:01 AM
I meant to refer to lcollins, not Whyme in the above post, looked at the wrong name. Need more coffee.... :-[
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Pen on September 04, 2011, 10:38:40 AM
Quote from: whyme on September 04, 2011, 06:29:35 AM
I'm so sorry that this is happening toyou and so many others. I just found this site as I'm very confused about my dtr cutting me out of her life. None of this makes sense to me and as I keep reading other posts I don't feel so alone.  I really can't express how I feel except that it's aged me and my health is seems to be deteriorating, ok, maybe my age doesn't help but like you I don't know what to do.  I'm staying away from my dtr, her partner and my new granddaughter and those so called friends of hers but it hurts. I really would like to move on, but the truth is I would love to have my realationship back with my dtr but I know it will never happen.

Whyme, welcome to the site. I'm glad you found us, but sorry you are going through a painful time. Pam1 is the usual moderator on this particular board but she's otherwise engaged this WE, so here's my spiel: If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the Forum Agreement under Open Me First on the home page. Your post is fine, we just like everyone to know forum policies.
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: luise.volta on September 04, 2011, 11:06:37 AM
There is a transition that has to come about for most of us...when we see that our adult children's issues are for them to resolve. Intervention isn't where it usually happens. They make choices, including picking a spouse, and they have to take it from there. Our expectations are not a factor, unfortunately. Their maturing is the issue and that is about them, not us.

Our job is done. If we are included further, that is wonderful and if we are not, we have our own lives, relationships and health to consider. We were whole before we became parents and we can be whole again. To focus on what isn't working and being right about that may be realistic but it isn't supportive.

If we choose not to get stuck in self-pity, we can learn, too. We can change ourselves. That's where our power lies. Sending love...
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: sesamejane on September 04, 2011, 08:50:51 PM
hello lcolllins, 
I am new too.  So far these are some of the things I have figured out:  I had a lot of ideas about what a family is and how it is supposed to operate or behave.  Those ideas became expectations about my family.  They should do this and they should do that, and if they didn't, I felt neglected, unhappy, low self-esteem, sometimes angry as heck.  I used to call and ask, "why? don't you call me more???," etc. etc.  They ran from me.

First, I had to realize that there are no 'right' ways for families to behave with the exception of treating each other with respect.  I had to let go of my expectations. Second, I had to accept my family as it is. I have seen it posted on these pages often by Luise, Pooh, Pen, others that "it is what it is."  Ugh! Hard to accept sometimes. Third, I truly do not want a 'scene' or problems around my grandchildren.  My ds and dil used their religion and children as weapons against we grandparents. We did nothing wrong but love them, gave too much, and on and on.  It was terrible, and I miss my gc, but I am willing to wait until my dgc are older.  Maybe when they are seniors in high school or in college or starting a job, I will send them a short sweet letter expressing my pride and love.  Maybe they will call me.  We'll see.  Maybe my ds and dil will change their lives and make amends...I don't know what the future holds.

Anyway, I hope you do rethink some of your expectations and temper impulses that might further separate you from the ones you love (also might land you in the pokey or hospital). It hurts, it really hurts I know.  As for me, I am getting on with my life, and guess what? My youngest daughter called me twice today, and I was not home to answer the call because I was out having fun!!  And now it is too late to call her, and maybe I'll call her tomorrow but I have been invited to a Labor Day picnic with friends.  I will have some positive stuff to share with her when we do talk. 

Hang in there and keep posting.  You have friends here who understand and support you. 
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Pen on September 04, 2011, 09:52:03 PM
Wow, SesameJane, I'm impressed. Look at you all out and about with your fine self. Yay for you! And good post, by the way.
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: lcollins on September 05, 2011, 06:47:11 AM
thanks everyone. i understand what youre saying sesamejane. my therapist has told me the same. even though i tell you guys how angry i am i have never ever expressed that anger towards my son and his wife. i have given them spaced like they asked but my son still hasnt called. when i finally get through his phone he tells me he will call me back but never does. i want you all to know something- it hasnt always been like this, just the past year. before that i seen my grand daughter 3 times per week, even overnight. then they or she decided out of the blue no more. the only think my son keeps saying to me is that they need space, i overstep boundaries and that i left grand daughter with another parent at fenced in kiddy playground, for 2 minutes while i used port o potty. last year i asked daughter in law to let my dogs out twice a day while my husband and i went away for the weekend. i am a writer and i write in a journal every night. well the journal ive had for many years all of a sudden disappeared. i know she took it. i called the police and they asked her to come in. what do you she gets a lawyer and police cant call her, only her lawyer which they havent. its still an open investigation and they said they can go through my son because he doesnt have a lawyer but every time they call him he doesnt answer or call them back. also when i had a few talks with my son he makes reference to some of the things i wrote in my journal about them that no one knows nor have i said to their face like how i was filing paperwork to get grandparents rights to see her once in awhile. i never told anyone about that and my son comes out of the blue asking me if im doing that! i can not believe that they did that and think its ok. and they say i am the crazy one and i need to take a step back and that i am obsessed with them. they are the ones who are obsessed with me. stealing my things to find out what i say about them!
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Begonia on September 05, 2011, 07:18:39 AM
SesemeJane:  What a delightful post!  Good for you! 

Lcollins:  Wow, that is very alarming. Once police and lawyers get involved it really becomes a serious issue.  I think I would let your therapist sort through this.  Meanwhile, as difficult as it is, try to move forward in your own life.  These things can't be undone now but you can decide to look at things differently for your own health. Hope you can heal from this. 

I know how that feels to have a journal stolen and read by others and it is a sick feeling followed by anger.  I was working as an interpreter in a national park in a very remote location where the people there, including my boss, were very odd and not in a good way.  I feared for my safety and packed up my van one day and left without giving notice or saying goodbye.  Later, I found out from a co-worker that they brought her in to question her about my leaving and showed her photocopies of my journal (which they had taken from my room, in a drawer, and copied when I was at work). 

Perhaps the one positive thing is that in both our instances our true feelings got out.  I never had to go back to that place but you have family and I hope that it will all sort itself out.  Love and good luck to you.  Keep posting. 
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Pen on September 05, 2011, 07:36:30 AM
Lcollins, it sounds as if you and your DS/DIL do not trust each other anymore. When trust is gone, it is hard to rebuild a relationship. Even if this investigation over the alleged theft of your journal turns out in your favor, will you be able to trust them again? Will they feel comfortable having a relationship with you?

You've got bigger issues than we are qualified to help with, I'm afraid. I'm so sorry you are in such pain and feeling so much anger. It's good that you haven't vocally expressed your anger to your DS/DIL, but it would be hard to imagine they haven't had an inkling after all that's gone on.

I hope you can detach and move on with grace and dignity, but you may need some help from experts (which we are not, I'm sorry to say.) It may be awhile before you and your family clear up this mess; perhaps spending time creating a healthy, centered, fulfilling life of your own is the best way to cope. Take care.
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: jill on September 05, 2011, 08:05:57 AM
Lcollins, wanted to let you know I understand your pain, we are in similar situations, I miss my gd terribly, but my odd will not let her visit, I have spoken to her on the phone, and she tells me she misses me, I am going to start working on a photo album of both of us since she was little.

Sesamejane,  I got a lot from your post and have just recently started to realize that my expectations have been too high.  I know I have to accept my family as it is, but they do not treat me with respect, but they are the only family I have, it's hard to accept that you raised two selfish children who do not care about you, but if I want any contact with my gc at all, I have to accept it.
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: Pooh on September 05, 2011, 08:12:00 AM
Jill, you do have accept them as is, but that doesn't mean you have to accept their behavior towards you.  Acceptance is about accepting that your expectations don't match theirs, but that doesn't mean you allow them to treat you like a doormat.  Set your boundaries for their behavior and they will either learn to treat you with respect or not, but either way you will not have to tolerate it.

Jane, great post!  I'm so proud of you!
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: sesamejane on September 05, 2011, 11:34:04 AM
I'm learning.... ; :-*
Title: Re: cant understand
Post by: luise.volta on September 05, 2011, 11:48:29 AM
There is a lot on this thread that is very useful but I am going to close it. That's doesn't mean it can't be read...I am just concerned about L.C. and any continued dialogue. I don't feel this venue can offer what you want and need, LC. we are not trained to work on such intense issues. For instance, calling the poloice over a missing diary is something I cannot comment on. You have a therapist. Please do the work that needs to be done there because she is a great deal more qualified to see the overview and help you through it than we are. We are all wishing you well.