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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: holliberri on March 27, 2011, 07:07:30 PM

Title: All of the Gory Details
Post by: holliberri on March 27, 2011, 07:07:30 PM
Hi Everyone,
Well, the absolute worst part of this weekend was DD had a case of pink eye. I caught it early, and while she was miserable yesterday, she was quite happy today. The problem that came up was when I said I didn't think we should be going, DH said that I was doing it all on purpose. The truth is, I didn't want young kids/elderly to be affected by pink eye as well. Anyhow, we went, and I suppose if anyone gets pink eye, that's their problem, not mine. They were fairly warned.
Between a swap meet, a nap and a short dinner yesterday, everything was fine. I really wasn't with the ILs for most of the day. Then came today...we were going to DH's g-ma's house, where we sat and chatted. Ambivalent, I suppose is my mood.
I brought daycare photos for MIL to have, she started showing everyone and then started offering people wallets and 4x5s. I said, "I don't mind if you give them the photos I gave you, but I really don't have extras to give out to great Aunts and Uncles and cousins. I'll gladly order more for everyone if they'd like to pay me." Photos were put back...MIL sulked in a corner and bit back tears. I started a conversation with an Uncle.

The birthday party weekend, has now turned into a birthday party week. 7 days of non stop fun at my house. I will be hosting...FIL and DH will be tearing apart rooms, and I'll be taking leave to entertain MIL. I have a problem with this: I wasn't asked about it, I'm not sure if we can afford the renovations that were talked about and I really don't think the week of DD's party is not the week to do it, since we'll be entertaining at the end of that week. DH is also taking 1 week of our 2 weeks of vacation to do this. I asked him about it, and he seemed confident his changes would be at least presentable for entertainment. I'll have to play that one by ear.

Thanksgiving came up. Yes, it's March. They put aside 5 days in Disneyworld at a timeshare for exactly 5 people "b/c DH and I both get two days off, then." I said, "DH and DD can go, but I cannot. I only got two days off last year b/c it was an executive order , and that's never happened before; plus that Saturday is my class reunion, which I'm planning." MIL said, "Oh, I forgot, can't you change it? Family trumps class reunions." What about my family? I suppose this is where I went into my blank faced stupor where I stared at a plate or something.  No word on whether DH plans on spending Thanksgiving without me, but MIL cried.

Now...we are already planning on spending Christmas with them. That was already arranged on December 26, 2010...for an entire week. That is the 2nd week of our vacation. ALL of our vacation will be spent with family. What more can I do? Why aren't weekends every six weeks, a few major holidays and ALL of our vacation enough?

I was told my DD was being dressed like a boy b/c I don't deck her out in shoes, skirts and dresses. I didn't care...I actually mustered up a shrug. There were gifts: 3 bunny rabbit stuffed animals, 2 wind up chicks and 2 laser light things that are for ages 5 and up, along with an outfit with a bonnet for Easter, and her birthday party outfit. What? I'd take a photo of this outfit and put it on here, but it's one of a kind and I think it would be proof that I am who I say I am...but imagine: sequins, tulle, frills, bows...every piece of bling you can imagine for a baby all on one dress.  Is it typical for GPs to pick out the outfit for EVERY holiday? She's had Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Easter, and now 1st Birthday. I'm only a mom once; I'll gladly dress my kid in that stuff on another occasion, but I would love to just go to a store and pick out things for DD to wear on the big occasions. I'm tired of having to dress my kid to someone else's liking for the big stuff...no one else has even suggested that they pick out the outfits let alone buy them and give them to me.

DD naturally got tired from the activity (she wears herself out fast in new environments) and MIL would not stay out of her face. The more she screamed, the more MIL  got in her face with toys, noise, singing, dancing.  DH finally picked up DD who was a total basket case, put her in the carseat and said, "We'll be back." I've begged, I've pleaded, and I've even fought about this: the fastest way to get DD to sleep is leave her alone. Even when I step in and takeover, MIL will reach behind my shoulder with toys and stuff and cram them into DD's face. DH told me from now on, when DD needs to sleep, we'll just leave. How am I supposed to leave this baby with my MIL one day if she can't respect DD's needs? I'd LOVE to sing and dance her to sleep, but it's torture for DD. How hard is it to respect someone when they say, "Please don't do that." I know she was a parent before, and she did an excellent job, but aren't parents supposed to make the rules? She has been with my DD for all of 5 seconds, and it's like what I say is total junk and I don't know what I'm talking about, even though I've only been doing all of the legwork for the past 9 months. This happens everytime I see her, and I still haven't come up with a solution. I suppose when it's naptime at my OWN house, I'll be leaving then too to get DD some restful sleep. DH has even asked her to lay off when the baby is a little overstimulated, but she swears that you need to keep stimulating a baby to put him or her  to sleep.

I figured something out this weekend: so many of you say you're not yourself around your DILs. I'm not myself around my MIL. I'm a statue. It wasn't a problem before, but I'm failing my daughter when I'm around her.  I don't talk to DD the way I should, I don't step in when she needs me, and I'm not nearly as affectionate and playful with her as I am either alone or around other people.

I did manage to let of the passive aggressive comments slide off my back, but I think I've got a few other things to work on. Err, sorry I'm griping...I should wait until I cool down, but I'm going through WWU withdraw. I know it's small stuff, but between the jabs at my parenting and the inability on my part to just not care what they think and only worry thta I  do right by my daughter, I feel like a failure as a parent everytime I come back from a visit with them.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: tryingmybest on March 27, 2011, 07:27:30 PM
I am so sorry, it sounds awful.  :-[
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: holliberri on March 27, 2011, 07:29:29 PM
Oh...it might not be that bad after a glass of wine tonight.  ;) Thanks for listening.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: tryingmybest on March 27, 2011, 07:58:33 PM
Honey, if I were you I'd have several, and think about MIL getting a walloping case of pink- eye!  :o
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: FAFE on March 27, 2011, 08:04:32 PM
I thought I had posted earlier, but it must be out in cyberspace.  Sounds like poor torture you are having to go thru.  I cannot imagine being a MIL or Mother in that way.  My kids would have me committed it I tried to plan every vacation, holiday, etc.  Mine know pretty much when we're celebrating what and pretty much when.  If they can make it fine, it not, there's always the next time.

I am guilty (with a big G) of buying stuff for my new GD.  Her mama & daddy buy for her, I buy way too much, her birth mother sends her stuff every now and then.  DD just takes pictures of her in whatever we've given, then dresses her like she wants too.  I want the frilly look too.  At a recent birthday party, she was dressed like she was going out for basketball or something.  But everyone like her tennis shoes!!!

You probably just need to go ahead and drink the whole bottle.  Have your DH take care of the baby tonight.   Hope the pink eye is gone soon. 
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: L on March 27, 2011, 08:18:41 PM
O.k.  I don't know if you meant some of the post as funny (and I know when it all happened it wasn't funny at all to you)...but I was kind of starting to laugh at your description of the "busy" outfit they bought her! And the MIL starting to tear up all the time. :D   Like, if you would have known what it was going to be like with the IL's would you still have said "I do"?  ahahah.  Just joking.  ;)

Sounds like you are expected to spend a lot of time with in-laws.  Well, I guess it's better than them NOT caring at all about your DD.  That's not good if you are going home feeling bad after visiting with them though, and you made a comment about feeling like you fail your DD around them.

I think you just need to stand up for yourself when you are there.  Of course when you are at their house you should be respectful.  But just be yourself and if they do something to your DD that you don't like, speak up.  It sounds like you were already doing that.  You may have to really tell the MIL firmly (when she is getting in your DD's face and making her cry more) that you know she means well but that getting in the DD's face when she is already crying is making it worse.  If she says anything you feel is a snide remark back to you just tell her it's your DD and you know her best.  And you can say all of that firmly while still being nice and respectful.

And as far as the dressing your DD, this is just my opinion but if you are upset and feeling "cornered" into dressing your DD in certain clothes just to appease the IL's and you really don't want to,  I think you should thank them very generously if they buy her an outfit but I don't see anything wrong with saying "Oh I LOVE this thank you so much, but I already have her b'day outfit (or whatever occasion) that she is going to wear."  Then you could also add to be nice "I will take a picture of her in this cute outfit you bought her and be sure and send it to you".  Say it VERY sweetly but also firmly again.  Good luck!
   
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Nana on March 27, 2011, 08:29:03 PM
Holli...you made me laugh...I imagined your mil all over your daughter's face.  Poor baby....

The good thing Holli...is that everything comes to an end, and now back again to normal life huh?
Enjoy the relief...when this is over.   

It was indeed awful...

Good luck

Love
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: tryingmybest on March 27, 2011, 08:40:54 PM
You know I feel claustrophobic reading Holli's post. Putting myself in the middle of that group even as a fairly experienced woman just shy of 60, I think I would have grabbed my daughter and run for the hills. Yikes, I think her MIL sounds awful, and when you're a young Mom being in the middle of a group of people judging you can just freeze you on the spot. I've been there and just too overwhelmed to open my mouth, then feeling awful because I couldn't. Wine did help as I recall.  8)
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Rose799 on March 27, 2011, 10:25:35 PM
Hey Holli,

I'm sorry to say this, but after the week I've had with dm, your post made me lol.  I remember dd going through the same feelings.  Somewhere around 9 mos,, she found her voice with mil.  I bet your mil gets super excited about seeing the baby & all sense goes right out the window.  Did she have a dd?   I offered to help dd as they had just moved into their new home.  I offered, because she had just given birth to gs #2.  Gs #1 was only 2.  Her answer, "Awe, it's my first home; I was looking forward to doing it myself."  It was a good enough answer for me.  I just reminded her where to find me if she changed her mind.  You can do likewise when it comes to what outfit dd wears for her 1st b-day, or any other, for that matter.  Tell her in a nice way, that you don't want to miss a thing with dd, including all the little perks like picking out b-day outfits.  She might cry, as she went to all that trouble, but most women would "get it."  As for pictures, maybe you could scan a couple so they can forward to aunts & uncles.  My ydd was like yours, she wouldn't let even me rock her to sleep.  She preferred to be put in her crib & left alone.  Go figure?~  Tell mil she's over-tired & over-stimulated, so you need alone time with her to calm her down.  If mil is in your home, tell her to wait in the other room.  Your mil is like a back seat driver.  Gently remind her that you are in the driver's seat.  You might also need to remind her that you've managed thus far.  Maybe you need to explain in the language she knows best.  Couldn't you muster up a tear or two, & explain that she hurt your feelings?  Maybe you could ask for her advice when you're at your home & she at hers.   She'll feel good about contributing, while you can let it go in one ear & out the other...  As for pink eye, my ds had it once.  I thought the pink was pretty with her blue eyes, so I stuck my finger in her eye & then mine, so I could have it too.  It didn't work~  You're doing great, Holli!

p.s.  Dm's all tucked in for the night...  : )
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: LaurieS on March 27, 2011, 10:58:06 PM
This is why I've never been upset when it became clear that my mother did not really want to have a lot of input with my children.... My life was so much easier... My in-laws for the most part were great.. seldom acted as if they knew better then I when it came to my kids.. my kids adored the in-law grandparents and everyone worked together to not step on toes.. oh yes if only Holli's would learn that, Holli would not have to become an alcoholic to handle her visits with MIL.  Until then.. I have a bottle of sangria in the fridge.. if you toss fruit in it, it becomes a healthy drink :)
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: holliberri on March 28, 2011, 05:01:52 AM
Good Morning Everyone,

I don't mind you laughing about this at all...I'm the first one to find the humor in the stories I read on here, even though I know they are hurtful. I see the humor in this myself. Besides, I'd rather be laughing than crying. In a few days I'm sure I'll think this is hysterical, but it is in the throes of it where I have a hard time.

I don't mind new stuff being bought for DD, although I do think my ILs go overboard since this happens everytime we see them. I am one of those awful DILs that gives *some* things to Goodwill. Only one bunny will be kept in the house, the wind up chicks are not a toy for babies, and the laser light things will be kept in a cabinet unless supervised. I really do mind that someone else assumes that  they should be putting DD in outfits for the special occasions. That just rubs me the wrong way, whether I'm right or wrong.

L, I'm definitely going to take photos of DD in those outfits, but I'm not putting her in them for her birthday. That's a very good idea. I'll be practicing that statement until the  next time I see them. I'm sure I'll have 4th of July outfit #2 to contend with.

Rose, I meant to leave a message on your post and I didn't. I'm glad your DM is doing better. I heard somewhere...that when you need one knee replaced, you need to get them both done at the same time b/c it is so painful you'll never go back for the second. You've been a champion DD these last few weeks. I hope your DM keeps letting you on here so you can update us. I am thinking about you. Caretaking is tough.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Scoop on March 28, 2011, 05:44:10 AM
Oh Holliberri - I feel so badly for you.

Have you seen my suggestion for the book "The Dance of Anger", because I think you could use it.  This book teaches that under-reacting to your feelings of anger is just as bad as over-reacting.  That when you under-react, you end up with lingering feelings of resentment, that just build and build, and then you end up over-reacting to something small.  THEN you have to eat crow, because you've over-reacted and that just starts the anger cycle again.  But if you react appropriately, you have NO guilt for over-reacting, and no resentment.  It's a wonderful feeling.

I can see that for the pictures, you really reacted appropriately with what you said to MIL.  She's responsible for her reactions.  She had no business handing out pictures that were not hers, and you were gentle in your words to her.

Could you leave the room when DD is overstimulated?  Go into a quiet room and close the door.  I know that the MIL's here are all about the fact that their DS is the DAD!  But you're the Mom, and you're the main caregiver, you know her best, you have the final say.

Please don't start a renovation the week before your DD's birthday party!  It will go over budget and it will go over-time.  Guaranteed.  As you go along, you will find more and more stuff that needs to be fixed at the same time.  If they are REALLY gung-ho for this project, why can't they start it the week AFTER DD's birthday?  I would veto this.  Seriously, we learned the hard way not to start a renovation during a stressful time.  We almost didn't make it to our 10th anniversary because of it.  If DH insists, then you make him promise you ON HIS WEDDING RING, that he will get it done and cleaned up in time (tell him exactly when you'll need the house to be presentable) for the party.  That he promises to work day and night if he has to, without being grumpy or taking it out on you.

Good luck.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Barbie on March 28, 2011, 06:03:55 AM
Oh Holli, I'm sorry but you made me laugh. I went through something similar myself with my first born. She was the only baby in the family in a long time so she was the center of attention, everytime the ILs saw her they hovered all over her and made her cry, she was so scared of them, they also fed her junk food, etc., I didn't like it but I never said anything I knew they had good intentions and it was one day, once in a while, so to me it wasn't worth having a comfrontation over it, they also bought clothes for her sometimes that I didn't particularly liked but I still put them on her, now when we talk about it we laugh our heads off.

As far as the holidays are concerned, we wouldn't think of spending them with anyone but family, we don't have that much family around anymore and it makes us sad, a lot of it has to do with culture, but they need to understand that you have family also, you could alternate between the two FOOs.

If any of this bothers you that much you should speak up, there's nothing wrong with that as long as you do it with respect.

And I think Scoop is right about the renovation, once you start you'll find so many other things that need to be fixed...
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Scoop on March 28, 2011, 06:31:09 AM
Oh and the clothes!  Don't get me started on the clothes!

My MIL tells stories on how she used to sew EXTRA ruffles and frills on SIL's clothes!   I don't know if things were different 'back then', but I never understood some of the outfits MIL would buy for DD.  Like dresses for a crawler?  They end up not being able to move because their knees are on the dress!  Or overalls / snapped-onesies for a toilet trainer?  Time is of the essence!  Christmas dresses with no sleeves?  IT'S COLD!

Please pick your own outfits for your DD's special days.  You will be sorry if you don't.  You'll look back on the pictures, and you will feel resentment.  That being said, put the dress on DD for a bit, and take a picture - that would be kind.  You can also put your dress on DD for the party, but let her wear MIL's dress for a bit on her actual birthday (if you're feeling generous).

And, be honest here, will MIL actually say something if DD is not wearing "her" dress on her birthday?  My MIL wouldn't.  She would buy the "birthday dress" but she actually would not INSIST on DD wearing it - THAT part was all in my head.  Once I released that, it became easier.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: holliberri on March 28, 2011, 06:46:57 AM
Barbie,

I do hope we can laugh together about  this someday, but DH said he pinpointed a source for the problems between my MIL and I. He told me I have a certain sense of humor that she doesn't share. He said he's seen my family in action and we give each other a hard time, poke fun, argue heatedly one second and then giggle the next. He said if I ever tried that with his mom, there'd be no coming back from it.

We tried laughing about the "Christmas DH nearly died" incident and she took offense. She couldn't believe we would make a joke of it (after 3 years). DH was like, "Yeah, mom, like that time you were trying to get me to give you all the information at the hospital so you could fill out the paperwork? I couldn't even talk. Ha ha ha." She started saying, "I'm the mom...so what if I was filling out paperwork at the hospital and asked him his SSN when he couldn't talk?" He said, "DW knows my SSN by heart, along with all the other information...you could've just given it to her. You kept asking me the questions and DW kept answering them for me." She said, "BUT....I'M the mom, that is my place, not hers." Then the waterworks started. DH said he'd never bring up a serious subject in a light fashion again. I suppose I have to follow.

Scoop,

I really will put her in those dresses and take a photo. I'm not willing to dress her in outfits for those special occasions. I figure, by the time she's 4, she'll probably have a mind of her own. I only get a few precious times to dress her as I see fit. Plus, I know MIL never had DDs, but she did dress her DSs as she liked.

And yes, MIL made mention that I didn't have DD in the dress she bought her for the school photos. She said, "But I bought you a dress, why didn't you use that one?" I blushed, sputtered and mumbled my response that the dress didn't really fit or something silly. I should have just been honest.









Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Pooh on March 28, 2011, 07:06:53 AM
Bless your heart Holli...you are a trooper.  I am very proud of your DH for stepping in on the whole "overstimulating" thing his Mother was doing.  So kudos to him for that one.  But shame on him for not considering her pink eye, and thinking you were using it as an excuse.  And shame on him for planning renovations that include money and time, without consulting you or taking into consideration your feelings.  And shame on him for letting his Mother plan all your holidays, and insult you without stepping in and taking up for you.

I did buy my GD clothes, but not one outfit was geared for a special occasion. And I bought her a mix of girly dresses, jeans, t-shirts and boots.  And I would never be offended if she wasn't in them.  So no, not all GPs are that way.  If I had a DIL with a DD that I wanted to buy something special for them, I would make the offer to take DIL/GD shopping and let her pick out what she wanted.  If she said no, then ok.

Yes, some of us MILs here, do state that our DSs are the Dads, but I also see where the same MILs here, myself included, are disappointed when our DS's don't step up when they should, with both their Mother's and their Wives at times.  If I was treating my DIL or GC disrespectful, I would respect my DS if he said something to me.  But I also expect the same when it comes to DIL being disrespectful to me or my family.  No different than if my DH was being disrespectful to my DS/DIL, I would say something in their defense, and I expect my DS/DIL to treat my DH with respect as well.  It's not about DSs, DILs, DHs, MILs, FILs, etc.  It's about people respecting each other, period.   

I am glad you survived, and were able to let some of the smaller things go, but I totally understand your frustration at the major things.  You were a trooper HB.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: lancaster lady on March 28, 2011, 07:36:56 AM
Holli :
Hope it gets easier with each visit ....lol
I can't figure out the waterworks with MIL , what on earth ...!!?
With DD sleeps , you could always say , she only settles with me ....nothing  wrong with that .I'm sure a 9 month
old baby doesn.t recognise this lady as her GM even though she loves her to bits .
The clothes thing is surely  a trend thing , in our day all baby girls were frills and lace . Now it's leggins and mini skirts , which are cute . I tend to take a photo with my mobile and send it to DIL before I buy any clothes for my GD. this tends to work but as
I like wee trendy clothes I mostly get it right .
I think you should try and be yourself next visit , no point being someone you're not .You get on soo well here with
all the MIL . The point is there's no discussing with your MIL without the waterworks being turned on .That's a hard
one to overcome .Never a dull moment , that's for sure !!
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Pen on March 28, 2011, 08:05:45 AM
Holli, it sounds rough but you all survived somehow. You'll have to come up with a way to ignore MIL's tears. That must get old quickly. My DIL doesn't know how bad it could be, LOL.

I'm constantly amazed at how clueless some people can be around babies. Rather than taking the child's mood into consideration they insist on meeting their own needs. I know moms who are that way with their own children, actually. If you've been to a sale at a department store lately you've seen that scenario, I'm sure. It's sad and frustrating to witness, not to mention annoying to those of us who prefer to shop without hearing a screaming infant.

If I remember correctly, babies are constant spitter-uppers. Couldn't you use that as an excuse to switch outfits?

Scoop, the only time I'll ever pull the "DS is the DAD" card is if we never get to see the GC. Until then I will assume that my DS and DIL are making decisions regarding their (non-existent so far) children together in an equal partnership.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: cd1029 on March 28, 2011, 08:09:24 AM
Oh my.  visits every 6 weeks?  every holiday?  family vacations?

That is way too much involvement with your ils ... and you need to decide how often you want to be with them, make out a calendar for the year, show it to your husband and tell him that is what you will do, follow that calendar.

If he wants to spend every holiday and vacation with his parents, with or without the baby, that is his choice, but then he gets to deal with the overwrought baby, not you.

My guess is that it would not take him long to realize he doesn't like it either.

Right now, he is in a place where he is used to this kind of behavior ... and doesn't see it from your point of view ... give him the opportunity to see your point of view by living it and see if he doesn't change his mind.

You need time as a family, not always off to ils ...

You need to decide what you want, tell him what you can do, and stick to it.  let him handle the rest.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: holliberri on March 28, 2011, 08:14:30 AM
LL,

I have said that consistently. The problem is MIL says "Oh, but  she can't be that tired, she wants to play, that's why she's crying..." enter stuffed animals/toy/singing/dancing of choice.

It just occured to me that I may have backpedaled a bit. At her house at Thanksgiving and at New Years at G-mas...if DD was tired, I left the room with her. I forgot to do that this time. I don't know where my brain went.

Scoop,

I'm definitely going to ask about the renovations being moved to the week after. That won't help the ILs, because they'll be in the area for the weekend following the party, so their plan was to just stay with us and do the construction then, but I'd really like to make DD the focus that week.


Pooh and LL,

MIL can seriously buy whatever she wants, she doesn't have to ask. It's the designating the outfit for the special occasions that gets me.

I am feeling better about this this morning. I do remember DH making a comment, "Well, if we have a boy, be certain we're dresisng him in pinks, purples and dresses b/c I'm not buying anymore clothes if we don't have to." I wasn't in the room for that one, but it was around the time MIL mentioned that DD looked like a boy.

He also mentioned to his mom that he didn't think Disneyworld was worth the effort for a toddler. He said maybe at age 7 or 8. So, I suppose I can give him credit for that. It slipped my mind...likely b/c it wasn't a flat out no.

Pen,

I just read your post. You hit the nail on the head. MIL really neglects DD's feelings when she does all of that...that is what gets me. I've seen parents do it too, you're totally right.

DD has spit up exactly once in her life. She was colicky, but she never had a belly problem. I had forgotten about changing outfits (lucky me, right!? I can't complain about that), all of the time. I suppose I can just do that. She's a ridiculously messy eater anyhow, no matter how big the bib is, she gets the food everywhere. Good plan!
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Pen on March 28, 2011, 08:20:13 AM
Oh, and about the humor thing - we've got the opposite problem. We've always been a family that finds humor in just about everything. We love to laugh, debate, joke, pun...and DIL does not. The only time she laughs is at someone else's expense. It's hard to be around, and I feel myself censoring my personality to accomodate her.

And I agree, every holiday and family vacation is too much. There are too many places to explore in this world and too little vacation time. But I'm caught in the same dilemma - I should visit my DF, we should visit my ILs, etc. but I want to go elsewhere!

Yikes, all that renovation right before the party?...timing is everything.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Scoop on March 28, 2011, 08:36:52 AM
Holliberri - I really want to stress how important it is to move the renovation time.  In the past few years we have done 2 big renovations.  The first one was stressful, because it lined up with our 10th anniversary.  This last one ended up having MAJOR unexpected add-on changes.  And for some reason, it didn't stress us out.  I think it's because we had the TIME, with no deadline.  I don't know what kind of renovation your doing, but re-doing our entire kitchen took over 3 months.  The company sending the cupboards missed one piece and it took 6 more weeks to get it in.  We needed to take some drywall down and were amazed/disgusted at what we found behind it.  We had to do some work on the 'fundamentals' before we could put the new kitchen on top of it.  And that took a lot of TIME.

Let's face it, a first birthday party isn't really for the baby, because she won't remember it.  It's for you as parents.  So make the effort to make YOURSELVES happy, and it will flow down to her.  You should also plan on her being over-stimulated so that you're ready for it.  You will likely have to take her to her room for some quiet time, so make sure the party can run itself while you're gone.

You can save your gifts to her for her actual birth-DAY, that way she's not overstimulated with the gifts.  Don't expect her to play with anything right away.  You can even save the gifts and dole them out over a couple of days / weeks, so that it's not a "glut" of new things.

Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: holliberri on March 28, 2011, 09:09:24 AM
CD,

I think you have a good point. DH makes me go with him everytime we're with his parents. I'm not sure as to why, I thought it was just because he loved me! LOL. I may need to opt out of some of the activities.

Scoop,

I will mention that to my DH, it doesn't sound like a bad idea. I know the party is really for us, but it seems like DH and I are thrown in too many directions (we work full time and go to school at night) that we never get to just enjoy DD without all of the distractions. I can't help but think revamping will be a big one.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: lancaster lady on March 28, 2011, 09:30:47 AM
I really have to admire you Holli , you are bending over backwards trying to please the world and his wife !!
Do you EVER get to do what you want to do ??
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: holliberri on March 28, 2011, 09:39:16 AM
Well...good old guilt gets me everytime.

It's not that bad, really. We live near my family, not his. I know that I have to make them a priority when they travel nearby or when we're making special plans that we should include them. I'd like to think I'm good at meeting everyone halfway. I understand MIL wants to be a good grandmother and I know that she's cramming ALL of these feelings into the visits that we do have. She's constantly making plans for the next time, and the time after that and the time after that. Both of her sons moved away (one left the country), so I've never felt her pain, but I can certainly understand it.

It's the "I never had a girl" pain that irritates me. I just don't feel like DD should suffer to fill the voids. Is gender really that important?

I believe I'll be a lot less stressed when DH and I finish school and we'll be able to better manage our time. (I have a little over a year to go, he has a little over two). DH does a good job of the weekly 2 hour dinner with my GPs (annoying as ever), so I try to do for him what he does for me. It's just that my family isn't as er...imaginative or wanting to be as involved as MIL is.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: LaurieS on March 28, 2011, 10:52:33 AM
I found that I also did not do well when I was feeling overly stimulated.. still don't! When left to feel that I was not in control of my ability to digest all the immediate input, I'm sure that my nervousness passed right through to my children.  In the future, I would always remember to go to another room for both of you to have a little down time.

Your Mil is overstepping boundaries that should never have to be verbalized, by trying to dictate special occasion outfits.  I think before that one is over, you'll be forced to hand her a few words that will once again make her cry. I was only joking when I said that I thought you should let her pick out the babies and your outfit for the first b-day celebration.

It really sounds like your mil is grasping for any type of commitment that she can force you into.  Like the grandmother here who almost had a written contract dictating when and how long she would get to have her gc without parental involvement...  This type of thinking is not healthy or normal and never productive.  It's a shame as it sounds like she will not back off and give you any breathing room until it's demanded of her.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Pooh on March 28, 2011, 11:57:47 AM
It's a shame that she doesn't see all the time and effort HB is putting into their family and back off.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: L on March 28, 2011, 12:13:39 PM
Holli, glad my suggestion helped you.  The mother in law does sound a little pushy.  Sounds like she always wanted a girl so that explains her wanting to dress your DD but it's YOUR baby girl and you never know could be your only, so yes definitely dress her in things YOU picked out for special occasions unless you really truly love what MIL picked out and want DD to wear it for special occasion.

I was lucky as I inherited lots of darling dresses for my DD when she was a baby from sister-in-law that were still like new (and I do love the girly dresses) but actually they can only wear those frilly things for special occasions for a few hours or for picture days.  They aren't really comfortable for every day.  I like my babies dressed in soft comfortable fabrics.

One more thing....you mentioned that the MIL said that school reunions were "trumped" by family reunions.  If you truly want to go to the school reunion don't let her bully you.  (not saying she is a bully, she probably means well and just wants you and DH & DD with her) It's great to have a good relationship with in-laws and you want your DD to have a good relationship with them but that does not mean they have the right to tell you what to do.  Asking is one thing but treating like you are a child is another.  Good luck, sounds like you need it with "grandma crocodile tears" Lol    ::)



     
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Rose799 on March 28, 2011, 01:03:11 PM
and that's not all the perks you get, Holli...you get these too!

http://sjpoems.blogspot.com/2009/08/cost-of-raising-child.html
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: holliberri on March 28, 2011, 02:18:42 PM
Rose, I always love what you post! Where do you find this stuff? Too sweet!
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 28, 2011, 03:27:08 PM
I feel for you, Holli- but you were classy as always! :)
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: pam1 on March 29, 2011, 12:48:33 PM
Oh Holliberri, you did so well!  Classy is right. 

Some things I about in regards to outfits is just a thank you, it'll look nice and then put my own (oh wait, who am I kidding?  DD picks her own out now) for the bday/holiday and just truck on.  MIL eventually got the hint.  She was sad, she cried but more importantly she moved on and got over it....after awhile lol.

The holiday thing, finally DH and I came up with a set rule -- No spending two holidays in a row with in laws.  I really did not want to come up with a schedule, I just feel like that is handing over power and starting "fair" wars.  But this way, it's clear not one side gets to dominate and I'm "free" to have some holidays that I can relax and enjoy too.  Maybe your DH would be up for something like that? 
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: holliberri on March 29, 2011, 01:19:39 PM
Thank you, Pam! Good to see you back here.

The holidays were supposed to be a 50/50 split. We'd alternate. But...life really got in the way. We've moved over Christmas, had deployments, lived overseas, and I was not allowed to take anytime off this year for Christmas b/c I was in mandatory training then. It hasn't worked out. So...we do what we can do, when we can; and I think we meet the "fair" markers adequately, although I'm sure some family member could argue that point. 

Last year, my therapist nearly died when DH said, "Well, I was going to tell you that they invited us for Christmas..." The therapist was like, "Hold it, right there! It is March. Why are they asking about Christmas?" DH said, "Well, we have to plan for driving/time off of work." She said, "Uh uh. You have no idea what is coming down the pike. They shouldn't even be broaching that subject until October. You can't stop them, but when they bring it up...a 'We'll let you know what we decide when we decide it' should suffice. Locking you into plans like that this early on is nothing but control. Nothing is etched in stone and that places lots of unfair pressure on a marriage."

Needless to say, I know this is wrong of me, but I was like, "SCORE!" I know that's not what therapy is all about, but it's kind of his fault for bringing it up for the first time right in front of her anyhow.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: pam1 on March 29, 2011, 01:25:45 PM
LOL!  I did that too when the counselor would "side" with me and I wouldn't have to say a word.  It was just so..so validating.  I think that's what happens when one side dominates, it's like you really do need to even it out.

Good to see you too :) 
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Pooh on March 29, 2011, 01:27:51 PM
Ha ha ha.....I try very hard not to verbalize "SCORE" when someone agrees with me, but my DH says I have no poker face whatsoever.  That and he follows that with, "Ok, wipe the smirk off your face."
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: LaurieS on March 29, 2011, 01:36:37 PM
ahhh Pooh. you don't even have poker fingers :)
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: pam1 on March 29, 2011, 02:04:25 PM
Weird, you two are tied for posts right now.  1679 lol
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: LaurieS on March 29, 2011, 02:11:13 PM
dang I should have gotten a screen shot... catch back up  with me Pooh.. you're falling behind again old lady
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: pam1 on March 29, 2011, 02:16:20 PM
I knew, knew, knew you'd be the one to post first Laurie and ruin it! 
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: LaurieS on March 29, 2011, 02:18:47 PM
twice.. oh opps now thrice lol
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Pooh on March 30, 2011, 06:42:46 AM
You know her Pam, she always has to come in first!  ;D
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: pam1 on March 30, 2011, 07:01:15 AM
lol and use words like thrice.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Kennedy on March 30, 2011, 10:58:58 AM
Wow! that kinda shocks me about her buying your little girls special out fits without talking with you first.
I "think" almost all us Grandmothers enjoy buying the children new clothes and toys? I do anyhow! LOL I like it to much! ;)

But most of the time if I'm wanting to buy something special for a holiday I'll ask the Mom to go with me shopping. She gets what she likes and I pay for it. It works for us.
Now I just buy little things off and on, like a toy for Grandmothers house. And I often buy little outfits that are on a good sale without calling. Just not holiday clothes.

So my answer to your question about is it to much to ask that you're able to do the special outfits. My answer is "NO" of course it's not to much to ask.
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: LaurieS on March 30, 2011, 11:04:39 AM
LOL.. Hey Kennedy.. don't let anything a mil, dm, df, fil, dd, ds or anyone else does here, shock you... lol this would be a great place to come if someone ran out of ways to be an irritation in someone's life.. they wouldn't have to look far for some original ideas :) 
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Nana on March 30, 2011, 01:37:28 PM
I also love to buy clothes for my gc.  I go crazy at the mall.  My son sometimes lets me know in a casual way that the kids have outgrown their clothing or that they dont have this or that.  My husband and I rush to buy clothes for them.  I think my dil does like us to buy clothing but sometimes she will say, this can stay here at your home for when you need to dress them when they stay overnight.   So it works for me. 

I do not push my dil into them wearing what I buy.  She sometimes bring them dress with what we bought for them and tells me "Did you see what they are wearing?" I think it is nice of her.

Love
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: pam1 on March 30, 2011, 02:03:30 PM
See, that's really nice Nana.  I wish we had it like that here.

I guess it's just different for me, a different culture basically.  It's really unheard of in my family to buy another adult clothes or anothers child.  I don't really care but it's like they don't really acknowledge my DD and her tastes and likes. 
Title: Re: All of the Gory Details
Post by: Nana on March 30, 2011, 02:22:05 PM
Yes Pam...cultural issues.  But when I buy something I asked dil/son if they like it or they can exchange it.   And never would I impose they/gc wear it for a special  ocassion....that is only for them to decide.  Giving....but not imposing.  Thank God...we do have the same taste for clothing ...I think LOL.

lOVE

Love