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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: cremebrulee on January 12, 2010, 05:08:10 AM

Title: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 12, 2010, 05:08:10 AM
People have the cabability to ruin the lives of others, and change the lives of others for the rest of they're lives.

We Mother in laws understand more then you realize....we know we were wrong for expecting you to become a part of our immediate family so quickly, and we're sorry, we were just anxious to love you...

We know we were wrong to offer advise...we lived our lives, and have made our share of mistakes....and have learned from them, however, we should have known, to allow you to do the same...instead of wanting to protect you from making mistakes..giving you advice, saying the things that we've said which cause you fear and that your character's were being insulted...

We're sorry you waged such an imaginary war on MIL's, yours and others, but you must understand, we'd like to discuss the issue with you...non-communication is the main source of why relationships do not work...not to mention...we know your angry and we'd like a chance to fix it....please allow us to do that...this is all so silly and non-productive.

Do you realize, so many people would benefit by raising the white flag, it's not just about you and me....

If you are an insecure person, everyone around you is walking a tightrope, waiting for it to break....we all fail you, b/c you expect us to, to the point of actually sabotaging the relationships....you set us up to fail you.

We MIL's know full well you can't love us, and we don't expect you to....all we want is peace and to get along...for us, for you, for our sons...you have to realize how this is making everyone sad and miserable, not to mention, what everyone is missing out on.

Hate destroys

I hate you because you look or act different from me, and I've always been taught that my way is the right way. I loathe you because you think differently, or believe in different things, than me, and I know that my beliefs are divine or superior.

Have we gone far enough? I think not. I hate you because I'm afraid that if I accept our differences, then the people in my life will reject me. I loathe you because I'm afraid that if you're right and I'm wrong, then the foundation of my beliefs will begin to crumble.

Far enough yet? Not quite. I hate you because you're different from me, and I'm afraid that you won't accept me for who I am. I loathe you because you're beliefs are different from mine, and I'm afraid that the world won't make sense if my beliefs are wrong.

Now, we've gone far enough. The root causes of hate and loathing are the fears of not being accepted and of chaos in one's life. These fears often drive people to do horrible things to one another, in hopes that by eliminating the object of a person's fear it will go away. Instead, the fear only gets worse, as every action validates the negative feelings of fear inside one's self. In the extreme, this fear has driven people to genocide; to a lesser extent, it has destroyed marriages, family relations and friendships.

If you find yourself hating someone, or something about a person, ask yourself what you are afraid of with regard to that person; then, eliminate the fear within you, and you will erradicate the hate of others. Indulge the fear within you, and the hate will persist forever. Ultimately, the hate will destroy the hater, not the object.


Again, I know you believe we've made some terrible mistakes and have done awful things to you...but remember, you are what you believe...

Every relationship has ups and downs and every family has it's own personal family politics...but this, what your doing, being so angry and hateful, looking for things to accuse us of....is causing so much heartache for everyone, not just MIL's...it's hurting you to...it's above all, hurting your husband beyond belief....(NO ONE IS PERFECT, absolutely no one and no one can live up to your expectations)

So what can we do?  If you really want all this to stop...there are many options..but the first one must be...to let go of hate, and anger....your insecurities come from your childhood...you must realize that, and you must face the fact, that your angry a lot of times and you don't even know why...those feelings to are from your childhood....we understand, that our son's were probably the first time you had someone love you....but they are not your possessions...and you must understand, people think and feel differently.  It doesn't mean they disagree with you, or are angry at you, or critizing you, it is simply how they were raised to believe...

Don't continue this raging war with your husband's mother...she is not a threat to you, and if she is, you have the power to set boundaries...to speak up, to discuss the issues that bother you, and then move on...

Insecure DIL's are as common as a 3 leaf clover....and it takes time to trust, but if you would give it half a chance, most of the insecure DIL's would realize, they would not only be respected, but gain a good friend...not to mention, everyone would be happy....

Is this what you want, disharmony for your husband, hurt and pain, b/c he feels that if he talks to his mom, goes to visit her, or takes her on a speacial outing once in a while...he is being disloyal to you...that is the way you make him feel...you expect him to take sides...and going against one of the two women he loves is very difficult for him.  Think about how much everyone is missing out on b/c of your stubborness....

I believe a lot of you feel and fear, if you give in, then more of your time would be spent with the inlaws...and you resent that...but when you grow older, and your all alone...remember, these words....that you will in fact, suffer lonliness like you've never known before....b/c you caused so much pain and sorrow within a family...all simply b/c you have taken a lot of what we've said, as an insult against you when it wasn't meant that way....

I agree that there are some inlaws whom one can never reach, due to drug addiction, abusive tendoncies, or alcohol abuse....and they're are some inlaws who are just plain mean and dysfunctional people, but for the most part, a lot of these problems could be remedied, if you just only would drop your bows and arrows....please identify and take ownership for some of these problems and get into counseling with your MIL....don't fear saying, I was wrong and I'm sorry...we're all wrong...and I betcha the MIL's here would appologize if they only knew how much your really hurting...this has to be awful for you, and very painful as well...





Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 05:38:33 AM
Why do DILs throw our love away?  Why won't they let us love them?  We make any mistake, just one and we're out.  Out of our son's life forever.  How could that be?  Out for a mistake or even two mistakes?  Three mistakes?  Is that it?  How many mistakes until we're "cut off"?

How many times till we are in the "Fifth year of Major Cut-off of MIL/FIL and Loving Every Minute of it?"  (a headline I've seen a thousand times) 
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: Pen on January 12, 2010, 06:31:46 AM
I think some DILs have a fantasy going in about what their perfect married life will be - I know my DIL did, and we didn't fit in to the picture. It's almost as if DS becomes an object like the new condo, luxury car, big screen TV...he ceases to be human with human parents, so it doesn't register w/DIL that she's hurting feelings any more than it would affect her if she traded in an old car for a shiny new one.

FDILs, if your FMIL & FFIL don't fit into your fantasy picture, and you don't think you can ever accept them, it's probably best to move on. Find someone who has a family you can tolerate.
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 06:46:35 AM
In a conversation I was having with CDIL, I asked her if, in today's world, money was all there was to life?

She told me quickly that, "yes, it is"

That stunned and so disappointed me.  I knew it in my heart but didn't want to take it in.

Nothing bad ever has happened to her at all so she doesn't know anything but money and depending on it.  She can be very nice and for that I am grateful.  She also is completely absorbed in "things".  Being beautiful, she is welcomed into the best circles, in fact, invited in before anyone else. 

DDIL, with all her faults, isn't.  I wish she cared for us.  But then, neither one of them really does. 
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: Pen on January 12, 2010, 07:07:57 AM
I know, Chickie. It's really sad, because beauty and money are not lasting. Both can be gone in a flash, and then what do you have? The "stuff" means something else to them, I think - it is a visual manifestation of their worth in this world.

Creme & Anna, it is a see-saw with them, isn't it? I wonder if I'll ever get to the place where I'm not wondering what's coming next?
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 07:18:30 AM
Anna, Penstamen,
I know this one well...the "see saw".  One nice gesture is followed by using us.  It's just as hurtful but I am prepared now for what's coming next.  (I think I'm prepared)

I seem to always be surprised.  We will fall for anything.

Penstamen, you're right, they don't realize that beauty does fade and money can be gone "just like that".   They don't know that it is not a lasting thing.

She is telling the granchildren that money is that important too. It's hard to hear.....we didn't raise son like that. Good thing he has a great job (that could go too)
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 12, 2010, 08:27:34 AM
Quote from: Anna on January 12, 2010, 07:03:03 AM
Creme, wow that was so true.  That is exactly the my dil is.  I know I've made mistakes, & am willing to admit to it, but dil either can't or won't admit that she has made some too.  I guess that's where maturity comes into play.  My dil isn't mature enough to take the step into taking part of the blame for what has happened.
This site has helped me deal with sooo many things cause my dil just keeps coming up with stuff.  You know she invited us over for supper the other night, which was really nice & we had a great time, & here comes the but, BUT everytime she does that she does something like having her Mom who has a drinking problem babysit.  There usually a nice thing followed by a wham of some sort.  Does doing the nice thing for us justify doing something really mean after, in her mind?  I just can't figure out how she thinks.  While I enjoy the nice things she does, I also get really scared of what may be coming.  Does this sort of thing happen to you ladies as well ?   ???   :-\

Anna, do you think next time, she invites you over, you could say; "are the children going to be there?" and if she says yes, act overjoyed, and if she says no, "say oh darn, it would be so nice to spend time with your entire family".  Could that be done, sort of like letting her know how you feel, and see if she picks up on it?
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 12, 2010, 08:34:54 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 07:18:30 AM
Anna, Penstamen,
I know this one well...the "see saw".  One nice gesture is followed by using us.  It's just as hurtful but I am prepared now for what's coming next.  (I think I'm prepared)

I seem to always be surprised.  We will fall for anything.

Penstamen, you're right, they don't realize that beauty does fade and money can be gone "just like that".   They don't know that it is not a lasting thing.

She is telling the granchildren that money is that important too. It's hard to hear.....we didn't raise son like that. Good thing he has a great job (that could go too)

Well, I'm not falling for it anymore...son or no son, I'm going to treat her, exactly as she has treated me, I don't give a you know what, if she is there or not...or if she talks to me or not....

I don't like this woman's behavior, and she will NEVER get another chance to treat me so rudly and meanly as she has done in the past...

I love my son and GD, but, if they go with her, so be it....I'm fed up Chickie....especially after seeing all the pain that you gals go thru.

Do you know my son on several occassions enabled her behavior as if it was ok...for instance....

He told me, a lot of DIL's don't get along with they're MIL's....as if that makes it ok????

Have you ever heard an abused person say...

1.  Well, he doesn't run around on me...or at least I'm 100% sure she doesn't run around on me, as if that makes everything else she does, OK? Sheesh????

2.  He yelled at me once, going back to the airport that it was all my fault, and I cried all the way home on the plane, I will never ever forget that....

3.  He makes excuses for her behavior...as if it's ok and she has a reason....sheesh? 

I'm really quite done with it...I will never close the door, but I'm not ever kissin her royal butt again...she will not make a victim out of me....period!

Chickie....she will raise my GD to believe what her own sister told me...you use men, you get what you want out of them by rewarding them with sex....and you use sex to get them to agree...she told me, you train them, like a dog...and if they don't do what you want, you leave them?  I wanted to smack her face....

and do you have any idea how many relationships she's been through...tons, and they were all not only very handsome men, but very accomplished with they're careers....ca ching....

Do I sound upset?  LOL



Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 08:37:06 AM
Creme...here I go, "Downer Debbie",  Negative Nancy" but if Anna says that, won't the DIL think she is only interested in the kids and not her? One more thing to hold against Anna?

Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 12, 2010, 08:40:29 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 08:37:06 AM
Creme...here I go, "Downer Debbie",  Negative Nancy" but if Anna says that, won't the DIL think she is only interested in the kids and not her? One more thing to hold against Anna?

sheesh, I dunno Chickie, she just might?  Its so hard to predict what an insecure mind will think...yanno, I sure am glad I don't have to live with this or near it...it would drive me nuts, always trying to second guess how she is going to take this or that...but your right, she might?
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 08:44:39 AM
I know how you feel, Creme....exactly!  They do train them and ultimate control is their goal. They do get it and they name it on some of the sites.  "My V****"

I have one of those too but I didn't know it could be used to control? 

Regarding what your son said, "a lot of MILs don't get along with their MILs"  Imagine how  it felt when son went to counseling with DDIL before they married and the counselor told him, "it's NATURAL not to like your husband's mother"

How dare her!  She happens to be a friend of ours.....no more.  She knows us and she said that to our son!  Son was so silly that he came back and told us what she said!

Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 12, 2010, 09:21:39 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 08:44:39 AM
I know how you feel, Creme....exactly!  They do train them and ultimate control is their goal. They do get it and they name it on some of the sites.  "My V****"

I have one of those too but I didn't know it could be used to control? 

Regarding what your son said, "a lot of MILs don't get along with their MILs"  Imagine how  it felt when son went to counseling with DDIL before they married and the counselor told him, "it's NATURAL not to like your husband's mother"

How dare her!  She happens to be a friend of ours.....no more.  She knows us and she said that to our son!  Son was so silly that he came back and told us what she said!

Well, my girlfriend went balistic when she heard that comment, and if she read what the counselor told your son, she'd also have a hissy fit...that is just SO WRONG!  WOMEN????????? 
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: Sassy on January 12, 2010, 10:29:09 AM
Creme, Even though I am not a lurking DIL, but a participating one, I think that your proposal is beautiful.  Relationships take 2.  And no one is perfect.  I'm sure not perfect!  Not a perfect wife, not a perfect daughter, not a perfect DIL.

Perhaps the "see-saw" can also be seen as an ebb-and-flow.   Like a MIL, a DIL can't be perfect all the time.  She can give what she can give when she can give it.  And other times, there's probably "outside" forces (marriage, stress, work, children, health, her own family, moods) that allow her to give less to the relationship. 

I didn't realize Anna's DIL invited her to dinner, and then had her own drunken M babysit the grandchildren while Anna went to that dinner.  Talk about experiencing a "guilty pleasure"  :( 

I know right now, the one thing I am having trouble rectifying /understanding / forgiving / going with the flow of with my own MIL is that she does speak poorly about me, to my DH.  I know she can't help what she feels, but, on the other hand, saying the words to him is something she can control.  He tells me what she says about me.

For me, for anyone to say negative things about me to my husband, even though she's his mother (or perhaps because she's his mother??) seems like the actions of someone who's trying to drive a wedge into our marriage.  I don't see anything good that can come out of it.  And it's hard for me to understand why'd she denigrate me to my husband, unless she really wanted to change the way he views me to the negative.  He doesn't listen to her talk like that, anymore.  And he's asked her to stop.  But... (I'm crying as I type this) .. the idea that she would want my husband to see me as selfish, or greedy, or cold, breaks my heart. 

And right now, that point seems to be the impasse in the relationship.  I know she's not perfect.  I sure don't expect even close to perfect!  I know she experiences the relationship from her end, as seeing me as the reason DH doesn't pay her bills anymore. And she sees me as the reason she's not getting her other needs met by him, as she once did.  For her, that's valid.  I can see her point of view.   But...that she tries to convince a man of this about his wife, who's crazy about him, is almost dumbfounding.  Do you think is there a point where someone, who is having that done intentionally do them, as partners in a marriage, will come to realize someone who takes action as if they don't have the marriage's best interest at heart, may be hurting the marriage.

I think it's more fear, than anything.  Fear that letting her in, will show more things to say about me to him.

I guess I hope someone can help me rectify that.  I think this relates to your topic?  If you'd prefer me to start another thread about this, I will. 
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 12, 2010, 10:55:32 AM
Hi Sassy
I'm so sorry your going thru this....

thanks so much for asking....and please understand, my answer is not biased in any way....

you know your MIL much better then I do...but I will say this, I have said some not to nice things to my son, about my DIL, in trying to convince him of her behavior...so I am not speaking about you and your MIL, just telling you what I have done...

when she got up and walked out of my apartment, b/c he was telling me about his job...then went to his father's house and started humming, as if to say "Mission accomplished"...I told him about this and said, she needs help...now, if I hadn't been so emotionally involved, I would have probably handled my words much better, and sometimes wish I had, but then, I think, I told the truth, and vented my frustrations to him...so, it's not like I'm talking behind her back, if she'd give me the chance, I'd probably say the same thing to her face at this point in time, but me, I'm done being nice....so that is the difference....

Yes, I do think it is very possible for people to say things out of anger that they don't really mean...haven't you?  I know I have...

you might be right about your husband's feelings...about letting her in and allowing her closer...

if I were your husband, I would put my foot down...while she is his mother, she is not beyond manners and respect, therefore, he needs to tell her, I don't like what your saying about my wife, and the more you say, the less you will see us...ever...so, mom, the choice is yours, which may wake her up.  She needs to know you are HIS wife, and someday will be the mother of her Grandchildren, and he's sick and tired of the gossip....he loves you both, but if made to make a choice, it's going to be you? 

she just seems to me, like she's being unreasonable....

Have you done anything to hurt her, have you ever snapped at her?  Was she like this when you were dating, when did all this start?

Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 11:18:20 AM
Sassy, your MIL does seem to be exceedingly unreasonable.
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: Sassy on January 12, 2010, 11:39:56 AM
Thanks, Creme.  I "get" saying words of anger.  So maybe it's that her anger just never stops?   She's more a cryer than an angry person, at least how she expresses it, with great sadness.

DH has told her, exactly what you said.   And hence, the impasse.  MIL doesn't stop, or sort of work around it, while still doing it.  She wasn't invited to our wedding because of it!  And he never got a chance to invite her to Christmas, because she wouldn't stop asking what he bought me.  He's told her it hurts him, and he's asked for respect. 

MIL, who was truly a great single mother who raised only-child DH, and I were very friendly, at first.  I would say we were friends, but now looking back I'm not sure.   I've been coming here a long time, and to Luise's other site before this one, so our back-story's on here.  Basically at first, I went along with her lead, suggestions, and all was well.  She's smart, fun, funny, creative, flamboyant, affectionate, spontaneous, and intuitive.  But she pushed for more time with me. She wanted more time with me than my life-long friends did, my family, or even more time than I got to spend with my then BF (now DH).  We included her in almost everything.  But any "sorry can't make it" or any plans made without her, caused her great pain.  Like couple's weekends or even work-related events.

I know it felt like rejection to her.  Or being left out.  For a while, I felt very responsible for her pain.  It was a terrible time for me.  Luise helped!  We also had some counseling with our minister.

About the time MIL told me she wanted every Saturday night to be "Girl's Night Out", and when she booked a "surprise" trip to Las Vegas for the two of us (she and I), was about when I started saying "no".  And then, I imagine feeling rejected?, she reacted even more.  More texts, more calls, more showing up unannounced, more invites.  For my DH, when she started showing up at Open Houses and talking to realtors on our behalf, is when he backed off.  He told her he couldn't pay her bills like he had, that he was saving for the wedding extras, honeymoon, house -  and she did not like that.  She began calling me a gold-digger to him, to her mother (DH's GM) and her sister (DH's Aunt), who'd tell her kids (DH's cousins) and then it got... ugly.  (BTW, we both earn good livings, and DH knew if we wanted to reach our goals, he couldn't fund her Bloomies trips anymore).

Hence, the impasse.  DH still tries to reach out every few weeks, and reiterates what he wants from her is not to say this or that about is wife.  And I'll get hopeful that maybe we can try again, for a meal, a walk, some time togther.  I don't want my DH estranged from his M, because I don't think it's healthy or happy-making for them.  They haven't been able to get past a phone call in months, before he has to hang up to get her to stop.  He's had some individual counseling with our minister, recently.

Would I push more to "be the bridge" as Luise puts it that a DlL can do, if I thought she wouldn't use information or emotions against me later?  I don't know.  Probably I would, if I am honest.  That's the fear.  Now I am at the point where I fear by reaching out or sharing, I'll be hurt more, and she'll use what I say to hurt DH more.

And when I think about the things she's said (I try not to play mind re-runs, its not fun!) I wonder if it's even wise of me to invite someone who would talk so poorly about me to my husband, into our lives.  To her, not sharing our money is selfish, I believe she feels that way.  He shared before he was married, so I am the changed variable.  So I am "Selfish" to her.  Marriage isn't easy, and so many today seem to fail.  Having someone tell my husband I'm selfish is not good for "us."  He may "know" it's not true, but hearing it over and over, as we all know, poisons the mind.  I can imagine why she'd feel it, but I can't imagine why she'd say it!

Does our young marriage need that, more or less, than a man needs a relationship with his mother?  It's something I struggle with.  Ultimately it is up to DH, of course.  He's so, so hurt by her expression of judgment about me, that her own actions are what repel him right now.

I try to play it by ear, imagine myself just going with the flow.  But the thought of a meal with her fills me with hope of love and laughs (probably from the past, at this point the way it was before) and at the same time fills me with a sense of "danger-danger, trouble ahead".

Thank you, Creme, for being honest..... thank you.
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 12, 2010, 12:13:21 PM
yeah, danger will robinson is right?   ;D  don't know if you'll get that?

Sassy, my heart goes out to you....this is such a shame, an intelligent funloving woman who can't get enough...she is obsessive and smothering...and I couldn't deal with it....and, I think your both wise in keeping a distance....yanno, your husband is probably somewhat embarrassed by her behavior...

such a shame that a woman is so obsessed she cannot see what she is loosing and how many people she is hurting...

this woman should have had counseling long ago....

Once suggestion...you've heard the old saying, "The honeymoon is over".  Do you know what that means?

It means, now that you've been with that person longer, they show they're true selves....and sometimes, it isn't a pretty thing.

So, while you hold onto those good times Sassy, remember, she was only showing her best side back then....the person she is now, is the person she was then...she only controlled it better, but it was only a matter of time....

Sheeesh, I can't imagine being smothered that much....I would run like you know what....LOL

You seem very patient and understanding, and it is such a shame, b/c this woman doesn't have a clue of anyone else's feelings, even when she is restricted, which kinda scares me.....if she is rejected to much, could she become dangerous?  I don't mean to alarm you, but it just doesn't seem like she is hearing your husband's heart....nor does she care...she sounds almost like she lives in her own world where everything is her way.  Is she married?  God, the reason I ask is b/c my first thought is, "oh my, her poor husband!"

I wonder if she would agree to counseling with your husband?  she sounds like a very sad and lonely soul...

I wonder if she did something in her life which caused this, or if something was done to her?  Or maybe a chemical imbalance?  But Sassy, something is really wrong here....

I wonder if your husband should discuss her behavior with her doctor....?

Hugs to you and yours...

Creme
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: isitme? on January 12, 2010, 01:08:23 PM
Sassy, I've read a lot of your posts and can sympathize.  It sounds like you have tried really hard to get along with your MIL but if it's not HER way, it's the highway.  I think we should consider ourselves really lucky that there are kind, reasonable MILs here to listen to us, give us support and also: to reassure us that we're not the ones causing the problems (or help us identify how we might be contributing to problems).  You've also given me a lot of great feedback when I've posted my own rants so thanks!!!!!

Do you think it's possible for your MIL to get counseling?  This can be a tricky thing because some people are more willing than others to go to counseling.  People have different reasons for refusing counseling - but I think a major issue is that they can never acknowledge that they are part of the problem.  If that is the case, then it seems to me like that is an indication of how willing they REALLY are to work on improving the relationship.  For example, a lot of the MILs here seem like they would welcome the chance to go to counseling with their DILs because THEY want to work on things - they don't see it as "my DIL needs to fix herself" - they realize that communication is a two way street and they are willing to put in the work.   On the other hand, my FMIL would NEVER go to counseling - but BF and I have been going and it's making a world of difference for the two of us.  I feel very strongly that my FMIL has a lot of deep issues that are causing some kind of personality disorder and she will never change.  It's very sad because it is driving her own son away from her.  It's something I"m learning to step away from but sometimes I still can't help but be angry that this woman's family would rather ignore her psychological problems and become increasingly distant from one another instead of actually trying to work on things.  It's hard to work on things but if you're interested in building or improving a relationship, you should be willing to do it.  That's not the case with my FMIL - she's not willing to acknowledge her faults or do anything that feels "difficult" so at the end of the day, she's going to be the one who ends up alone.

It sounds like something similar is happening with your MIL.  The cycle you described also reminds me of my sister - when she clings to me, I pull away but then she just clings more.  I think it's a different dynamic though with your MIL. You mentioned you tried counseling with your minister - how was that?  Did your MIL seem involved with it?

It's hard when someone refuses to participate in having a healthy, respectful relationship with you, but then turns around and blames YOU for the problem.  I'm really glad we have this site to help us deal with things.  I don't know how many DIL's "lurk" on here without ever posting anything - but I certainly hope it is for positive and constructive reasons - because I think that's what the ladies here are all about. 

Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 01:25:54 PM
Sassy, if I could just interject a couple of things....I don't know your MIL, of course but from your description, she sounds like a boat without a rudder.  It's sad.

Aside from that, though....when you're older (not old but older than you are), you don't realize you are older.  You feel like you are the same age as your DIL inside. (I hope you know what I mean)  It's hard to understand why you can't go with the "girls" to a night out!! You're just as fun as they are.

I have thought those things myself.  Not that I have initiated them or ever done anything about those thoughts.  My point is that you don't age in your mind.  You have to act like you do but you really don't.  It is just the most horrible thing thinking you're a teeny bopper and you aren't!! 8) 

When you said she was funny, creative..all those things, that thought popped into my mind. Her funny and creative mind is what is getting her into trouble, I fear.

The other thing is invading in your personal time and personal finances....she is way out of bounds for that but somehow doesn't understand that either.  She seems to lack understanding and can only react kind of like a child.

Seems like she's done a fabulous job at raising your husband, though.  I would give her pluses for that and I'm sure you do. I think you are torn between really liking her and not liking some of her behaviors. 

I'd give her pluses for being fun and funny...it would be horrible if she was not....believe me.  She does seem like she's a bit childish. Maybe if you could view her like that, childish, and know that she doesn't know any better, that might help?
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: Sassy on January 12, 2010, 02:14:37 PM
Thank you, everyone.

I've heard "Danger Will Robinson" and I know it's from an old TV show about the future with computers or space people?  LOL. I think I was referring that without knowing exactly what I was referring to.

DH and I have had premarital counseling as a couple, and more recently, he's had it on his own.   Mainly, it's been helpful in maintaining boundaries, protecting ourselves from hurt.  He has never gone with MIL.  But that's a good idea.  And when the time is right, I'll bring it up to him.  I don't know why they / we haven't tried to do that before.  I don't even know if either / both of them would be open to it (maybe that's why they haven't). 

MIL has that flair for the dramatic.  It is part of her appeal, to be sure.  I've described her as a "show-biz" personality.  She does do community theatre.   People always seem like her when they first meet her, she's charming.  She is also quite stunning to look at, incidentally.  But she was the "opposite" of most of the more serious and low-key people in my life growing up, in school, and even now (engineers, teachers, lawyers, business types).  So I think that part of my initial hesitancy in setting boundaries with her, was I didn't know how to set limits to someone I was a bit enchanted by, who didn't listen or "read cues". Nor could I feel confident in predicting her reactions.

And so I thought, well, is crying on my doorstep "normal" for the flamboyant-types?  Yes, it's apparent she has got some trouble regulating her emotions, and could use help with that.  From what I gathered, it's always just been "that's her" and "that's how she is" type from DH's family (Aunt and cousins, mainly).  DH tended to withdraw from her, as things got more intense in the last year. 

Emotionally, I miss her.   I enjoyed her company!  She made me laugh, she's huggy, she's different.  It wasn't the idea of Girl's Nights Out I said no to; it was that she wanted GNO to be a Saturday Night Commitment from me.  When we worked full time and we wanted to spend Saturday Nights as a couple, she responded as if I had rejected her.  Which I do think was how she felt.

She's been single since DH's father died when DH was young.  DH sort of filled in the role for her, with companionship, handy-man type work, reliability, financially.   That's probably a big reason he is such a great DH now. 

I've had times I thought to be scared of her.  We hired off duty policemen to work security for our wedding.  (And used it.) Mainly, I worry more the opposite way, that she would harm herself.  The thought of it makes me feel very sad.  And guilty.  And with the money problems, I also worry that she's shopping more than ever and not meeting the basic bills.  We know people can do dumb things when they get in debt.  DH feels like him paying her shopping bills is not the answer.  Logically, of course, I know he's right.

It's like it's good for a while, we function, we live life.  Then something, internal or external, causes a sieze of doubt in me, or DH.  And the unresolved nature of this is "the problem that will not go away".  (Not that she's "the problem", but the ongoing challenges to the relationship certainly are.) 

Thanks for listening and for your support, and very practical advice.  It always helps me to come here and sort through the clouds in my head.  I'll approach DH with the idea of mother-son therapy, when the time is right.  Thank you.
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 02:43:57 PM
Sassy, you sound like you really care for her and I know you miss her but you're conflicted about her intruding on your life and I really can't blame you. She's too good to throw out and you can't live with her either.  Such a delima!

Getting older is awful.  You really don't understand what is happening until you pass by a mirror and look into it and wonder who that person is? It's so discouraging!   

DO NOT GET A MAGNIFYING MIRROR....Satan created it.  He did and I think his little demons get into it and make you think it's you.  It's not!  It's a trick!

I can envision what your MIL is like and I'll bet she's a ball to be with....the problem is that she's not a ball to be in a family with.  She's too intrusive.  The woman is a little on the childish side and probably does belong in the movies.  She sounds very dramatic.  It's a problem for us (Yes, I'm dramatic and I can't help it but I am fun and very sweet)  I don't think I'm intrusive, though and I am totally harmless.

I have an Aunt who is just like your MIL.   Her DIL is constantly on the outs with her and vise verse. They have a ball from the outside but it's not as funny when you're in the middle of it. Her son plays defense and has all their married life.   She is a P.I.L.L. 

I'd rather be with her than almost anyone but I'm sure it would be H.E.Double Toothpicks if you were married into it.  Although, they have the greatest and most enviable family on earth.  Her DIL loves her more than she does anyone in her own family.  It's constant drama over there.  I envy them!!

She's really all the family I have left so I'm prejudiced. I wish we had that kind of family.  My DILs don't understand the dramatic parts of me and the funny parts, although I'd never intrude on their lives.  One of my DILs does but she uses people and that's a turn off to me.

It will be hard for you all your married life because she isn't likely to change.  She is a child, with childish behaviors and probably doesn't know what she's doing.  Sadly, she most likely doesn't.  I hope you can find peace with her and find some good parts of her because she does have them.  :)  So do you.

Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 13, 2010, 04:47:17 AM
Some very good observations made here by all you women and many thanks Sassy for describing your MIL....which now, I am able to view her in a different light...

Yanno, to me, MIL sounds, very artsy...and artsy people are very passionate & dramatic, they see the world much differently from others...passionately driven & emotionally charged; are very sensitive people who love to party.

Artists are unconventional in their views....so, while her behavior of intrusion and expectation with you, is now a little more clear, she is over stepping boundaries but not doing it to be controlling. 

She sounds like she's overflowing at times with creativity and excitement....CREATIVITY leads to the the progress of the soul. If we didn't see, hear, and & feel the world in novel ways, we would become stale, bored and decay, spiritually & mentally, which is our purpose for growth.

It also leads to new inventions and newness in other areas because progress is made by analogy.  So, by understanding a person's character better, one can understand, that she is not being intrusive by a willful desire to be controlling, more so, it seems as if this is basically a soul who truely enjoys people and thinks way outside of the box.  ;0)

Perhaps when you rejected her, it threw her off kilter so to speak?  Artists, to me, are better developed emotionally...they seem to me, to have more self confidence, self-respect and sensitivity, not to mention somewhat perceptive...

So what I'm saying is, it makes it easier to understand her and the whys of her....and when we can do that, we can all get along so much better...

I really believe Sassy, that eventually you'll be able to articulate your feelings to her, and she will understand...and counseling may help as well...

It's lovely of you to be able to understand her and care for her as you do...and I want to thank you for that...she's very fortunate to have a DIL like you. 

Creme
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cocobars on January 13, 2010, 05:16:16 AM
Quote from: Sassy on January 12, 2010, 10:29:09 AM
Creme, Even though I am not a lurking DIL, but a participating one, I think that your proposal is beautiful.  Relationships take 2.  And no one is perfect.  I'm sure not perfect!  Not a perfect wife, not a perfect daughter, not a perfect DIL.

Perhaps the "see-saw" can also be seen as an ebb-and-flow.   Like a MIL, a DIL can't be perfect all the time.  She can give what she can give when she can give it.  And other times, there's probably "outside" forces (marriage, stress, work, children, health, her own family, moods) that allow her to give less to the relationship. 

I know right now, the one thing I am having trouble rectifying /understanding / forgiving / going with the flow of with my own MIL is that she does speak poorly about me, to my DH.  I know she can't help what she feels, but, on the other hand, saying the words to him is something she can control.  He tells me what she says about me.

For me, for anyone to say negative things about me to my husband, even though she's his mother (or perhaps because she's his mother??) seems like the actions of someone who's trying to drive a wedge into our marriage.  I don't see anything good that can come out of it.  And it's hard for me to understand why'd she denigrate me to my husband, unless she really wanted to change the way he views me to the negative.  He doesn't listen to her talk like that, anymore.  And he's asked her to stop.  But... (I'm crying as I type this) .. the idea that she would want my husband to see me as selfish, or greedy, or cold, breaks my heart. 

I think it's more fear, than anything.  Fear that letting her in, will show more things to say about me to him.

I guess I hope someone can help me rectify that.  I think this relates to your topic?  If you'd prefer me to start another thread about this, I will.

Unfortunately, she may continue this behavior.  I don't think she realizes that if she has a problem, it may be better for her to talk to you both (as a unit).  I believe that would help you to see that she is  not trying to come in-between your relationship with your husband (her son).  Do you think there is a constructive and/or tactful way of talking to her about your feelings?
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cocobars on January 13, 2010, 05:27:28 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 01:25:54 PM
Sassy, if I could just interject a couple of things....I don't know your MIL, of course but from your description, she sounds like a boat without a rudder.  It's sad.

Aside from that, though....when you're older (not old but older than you are), you don't realize you are older.  You feel like you are the same age as your DIL inside. (I hope you know what I mean)  It's hard to understand why you can't go with the "girls" to a night out!! You're just as fun as they are.

I have thought those things myself.  Not that I have initiated them or ever done anything about those thoughts.  My point is that you don't age in your mind.  You have to act like you do but you really don't.  It is just the most horrible thing thinking you're a teeny bopper and you aren't!! 8) 

When you said she was funny, creative..all those things, that thought popped into my mind. Her funny and creative mind is what is getting her into trouble, I fear.

The other thing is invading in your personal time and personal finances....she is way out of bounds for that but somehow doesn't understand that either.  She seems to lack understanding and can only react kind of like a child.

Seems like she's done a fabulous job at raising your husband, though.  I would give her pluses for that and I'm sure you do. I think you are torn between really liking her and not liking some of her behaviors. 

I'd give her pluses for being fun and funny...it would be horrible if she was not....believe me.  She does seem like she's a bit childish. Maybe if you could view her like that, childish, and know that she doesn't know any better, that might help?

Thank you for saying that chickie.  It is so true!  I don't think any of us "age" in our minds.  You wake up one day and realize you are being treated differently!

I didn't realize I was older until I was walking out of a mall one day, and a car load of young guys drove bay whistling and making fools of themselves (well, at my age that's always a complement).  What got me was as they were rounding a corner, one of them yelled "I could go for a 40 year old!"  I'm 55.  That was nice to hear that they thought I was younger, but that's also when I realized I wasn't that sweet-young girl anymore.  LOL!

There have been other wake-up calls, but chickie is sooooooooooo right!  We don't realize our age.  Our bodies age, but not our minds.
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 13, 2010, 05:37:01 AM
Quote from: cocobars on January 13, 2010, 05:27:28 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 12, 2010, 01:25:54 PM
Sassy, if I could just interject a couple of things....I don't know your MIL, of course but from your description, she sounds like a boat without a rudder.  It's sad.

Aside from that, though....when you're older (not old but older than you are), you don't realize you are older.  You feel like you are the same age as your DIL inside. (I hope you know what I mean)  It's hard to understand why you can't go with the "girls" to a night out!! You're just as fun as they are.

I have thought those things myself.  Not that I have initiated them or ever done anything about those thoughts.  My point is that you don't age in your mind.  You have to act like you do but you really don't.  It is just the most horrible thing thinking you're a teeny bopper and you aren't!! 8) 

When you said she was funny, creative..all those things, that thought popped into my mind. Her funny and creative mind is what is getting her into trouble, I fear.

The other thing is invading in your personal time and personal finances....she is way out of bounds for that but somehow doesn't understand that either.  She seems to lack understanding and can only react kind of like a child.

Seems like she's done a fabulous job at raising your husband, though.  I would give her pluses for that and I'm sure you do. I think you are torn between really liking her and not liking some of her behaviors. 

I'd give her pluses for being fun and funny...it would be horrible if she was not....believe me.  She does seem like she's a bit childish. Maybe if you could view her like that, childish, and know that she doesn't know any better, that might help?

Thank you for saying that chickie.  It is so true!  I don't think any of us "age" in our minds.  You wake up one day and realize you are being treated differently!

I didn't realize I was older until I was walking out of a mall one day, and a car load of young guys drove bay whistling and making fools of themselves (well, at my age that's always a complement).  What got me was as they were rounding a corner, one of them yelled "I could go for a 40 year old!"  I'm 55.  That was nice to hear that they thought I was younger, but that's also when I realized I wasn't that sweet-young girl anymore.  LOL!

There have been other wake-up calls, but chickie is sooooooooooo right!  We don't realize our age.  Our bodies age, but not our minds.

I forgot to remark on this and wanted to...Chickie hit the nail right on the head...yes, that is so true...and we all say that at work...(ehhh hemmm, we older folks do) LOL   

The mind is willing but the body is screaming, noooaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

But, I still feel, and this is my personal opion, a MIL should never overstep boundaries as far as wanting to hang out with they're DIL's unless, the DIL's invite them to...we have to understand, if we feel the need to hang out with someone, call friends...but  to interfer in DIL's life like that, to me would be an intrusion....

Actually, I think it's really nice that my son's friends want to spend time with me....and I'd probably see this in a different light, if I didn't have the DIL I have...but she would never ever allow me to do that...hang out with her...she hates everything about me....

I so wish I had a DIL like my son's friends....who come over for dinner now and then...write me a lot...and stop by just to check in....it's so easy and I can be myself...I'm not ever afraid of saying something wrong...or walking on egg shells around them....they are a lot of fun...

Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 05:46:26 AM
Yes, Creme, it is a shock!!  The first time this happened to me I was stunned when the cart carrier was pushing my basket from the super market.  He said, "well, how are you today, Sweetie?"

Sweetie?  Sweetie?  That's what you call old people!!  What?  What is going on here?  Why was this guy not making a pass for me?  He's my age....he's not bad looking.  Hey, where did the the boys go? 

Oh my gosh!!  Have you been to your high school reunions lately?  I thought I was in the wrong place!  Who in the heck were these old people?  Where were my boyfriends?  The football players?  OMYGOSH!  There they are!! They're bald!
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cocobars on January 13, 2010, 05:51:58 AM
Yes they are bald!  LOL!  Some of them look like dirty old men!  It's scary, but I would never tell them that.
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 13, 2010, 06:35:39 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 05:46:26 AM
Yes, Creme, it is a shock!!  The first time this happened to me I was stunned when the cart carrier was pushing my basket from the super market.  He said, "well, how are you today, Sweetie?"

Sweetie?  Sweetie?  That's what you call old people!!  What?  What is going on here?  Why was this guy not making a pass for me?  He's my age....he's not bad looking.  Hey, where did the the boys go? 

Oh my gosh!!  Have you been to your high school reunions lately?  I thought I was in the wrong place!  Who in the heck were these old people?  Where were my boyfriends?  The football players?  OMYGOSH!  There they are!! They're bald!


ROTFL
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 13, 2010, 06:37:07 AM
Quote from: cocobars on January 13, 2010, 05:51:58 AM
Yes they are bald!  LOL!  Some of them look like dirty old men!  It's scary, but I would never tell them that.

Yeah....high five on the dirty ol men...LOL
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cocobars on January 13, 2010, 06:51:38 AM
Yep!  Isn't that scary?  I'm sure the look on my face said it all, even though I was trying not to react!   LOL!
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 06:55:21 AM
Coco, you can read everything on my face!! If I'm hurt, I look like a poor puppy dog.
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cocobars on January 13, 2010, 06:58:57 AM
Oh chickie!  You must have look like a dear in the headlights when you saw those old boyfriends!  LOL!

I already knew you were too sweet to say anything, but I bet your face gave it all away...
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 07:16:12 AM
Okay, picture this, Coco....I'm at the High School reunion....I'm looking for my old boyfriends, yes, I know I'm married. 

I look around...can't find my boyfriends anywhere.  One of my old friends said with a smile, "have you seen ****?"  I told her that I didn't see him.  She pointed to him.  What?  That's him?  What happened to his muscles?  His hair?  Oh my Lord!!  I decided to not see them anymore like they are now.  I like them better in my yearbook. 

Ladies, (young ladies) do not marry Quarterbacks, don't even marry half backs or full backs or half witted tackles.  They don't stay hunky.  It's devastating. :'(   Marry nerds and then get them some beauty help.     
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 07:29:44 AM
My apologies to anyone who married a "tackle".. I'm sure they are not all half-witted.  (you never know if you're going to offend someone.  8)
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: isitme? on January 13, 2010, 07:35:20 AM
haha, chickie - you are hysterical!   
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: Scoop on January 13, 2010, 10:27:01 AM
I'm a DIL who lurks.  I have learned quite a bit about my Mil's position from coming here (see my post in Success Stories).

I used to say that I took 50% of the responsibility for my relationship with MIL, but the last time they visited, I realized something else.  I realized that DH also has a responsibility too.  Of all the people involved, it was surely in his best interest to make sure that MIL & I got along.   And of all the people involved, DH knows his DM and he knows his DW, shouldn't HE be able to smooth things out between us?

I think this is why there are usually fewer conflicts between SonIL's and PIL's, because women are usually the ones who step in and smooth out the differences in relationships.

The last time the PIL's visited, I felt that MIL overstepped on something, but instead of getting mad at her, I got mad at DH, because I told him what was going on and he did nothing.  He could have stepped in, without stepping on MIL's toes, and then *I* would have been happy, and MIL would have been happy AND, through the "Happy wife, happy life" idiom, DH and FIL would have been happy. 

I was MAD at DH and he totally retreated and said "I should keep her in check" and then I was MADDER at him.  It's not about keeping anyone "in check", it's about LUBRICATING our interactions, so that there's less stress.

I wonder what would happen if the Sons/DHs were held more accountable for the problems between the MILs & DILs?  Can you imagine if you had someone who loved you, who also understood your DIL (or MIL), and could tell you where the landmines are?  Wouldn't that be wonderful?  Why aren't we pushing for it?

Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cremebrulee on January 13, 2010, 10:35:21 AM
Quote from: Scoop on January 13, 2010, 10:27:01 AM
I'm a DIL who lurks.  I have learned quite a bit about my Mil's position from coming here (see my post in Success Stories).

I used to say that I took 50% of the responsibility for my relationship with MIL, but the last time they visited, I realized something else.  I realized that DH also has a responsibility too.  Of all the people involved, it was surely in his best interest to make sure that MIL & I got along.   And of all the people involved, DH knows his DM and he knows his DW, shouldn't HE be able to smooth things out between us?

I think this is why there are usually fewer conflicts between SonIL's and PIL's, because women are usually the ones who step in and smooth out the differences in relationships.

The last time the PIL's visited, I felt that MIL overstepped on something, but instead of getting mad at her, I got mad at DH, because I told him what was going on and he did nothing.  He could have stepped in, without stepping on MIL's toes, and then *I* would have been happy, and MIL would have been happy AND, through the "Happy wife, happy life" idiom, DH and FIL would have been happy. 

I was MAD at DH and he totally retreated and said "I should keep her in check" and then I was MADDER at him.  It's not about keeping anyone "in check", it's about LUBRICATING our interactions, so that there's less stress.

I wonder what would happen if the Sons/DHs were held more accountable for the problems between the MILs & DILs?  Can you imagine if you had someone who loved you, who also understood your DIL (or MIL), and could tell you where the landmines are?  Wouldn't that be wonderful?  Why aren't we pushing for it?

Hi Scoop and welcome, glad your here and glad you posted....

well, I believe your 79% right...b/c I read many articles which said, if the husband's would step up to the plate and put they're feet down firmly in front of Wife and mother, and tell them, I love you both, but this is going to stop....I demand you both put away your gloves and start getting along.  I won't be put in the middle of your wars and it's petty and immature....I don't expect you two to love each other, but I do expect that you respect each other's feelings and rules....do not cross boundaries and do not be purposely rude to each other...enough is enough...this is going to end and I will never take sides with either one of you....!

And it usually does end....

and believe me, many people who know my son, and have known me just as long, are shocked that he's allowed her to treat me the way she does....all of them...he has admitted things to me in the past...he knows she's like this...but he loves her and I believe he also fears her leaving him...if she doesn't get her way.

Her own sister told me that...."You use men, for all you can get, and if they don't do what you want, you go onto the next". 

Believe me, I know my son needs counseling to put up with this, this long....it is so un natural....
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 11:08:45 AM
Dear Scoop,
I appreciate you being honest about this. I understand your point and I don't know why the Husbands don't intervene. I heard it once said that if you don't have a good relationship with your son's wife, you won't have one with him.

I do wish I had known where the landmines were, for goodness sake! I had no idea that all of a sudden, she would turn on me and us.  You're right, my husband tried to ignore it and the more he did, the more she started engaging him and leaving me out.  It was very hurtful to me.  I know he didn't fall for it but he says that he does that in his heart.  In his heart, he has no respect for the person anymore.  In his heart?  WTHECK??

He is a good man and wants the peace at all cost but he did tell me recently that he is very disheartened with our sons.  Very.  That's a mouthful for him to say.  He would have been the best grandfather on earth and now, we're relegated to just now and then with DDIL and son and "if they need us" with CDIL and son. 

I'm so shocked right now because there was an opportunity recently to use us and CDIL and son didn't !! 

Thank you for being honest and not being a DIL in disguise just prestending to be an MIL and bashing us and then disappearing into the "guests" for kicks.   We have been through it and don't need anymore.   :)
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: isitme? on January 13, 2010, 12:20:24 PM
Hi Scoop,
As a FDIL, I totally hear what you are saying.  A BIG issue that me and my BF been working on is how HE is going to deal with the way his family treats me.  Part of this involves him learning more about his mother and his own relationship with her which is hard for him.  But he's working on it - at the same time, I find that I need to work on my own anger towards him for dropping me into this situation with his mother and "throwing me to the wolves" by being oblivious/passive about what she's been doing.  I'm getting there too.

In my case at least, I think part of the problem is that my BF has grown up with the unhealthiness in his family, so he wasn't able to recognize it at first.  It was tricky because it's hard to tell someone something negative about their own family.  And there are certainly cases (many that are described here) where the DIL deliberately poisons her husband against his family because of her own unhealthiness.  I think this is where you have to bring in a counselor to help figure things out.  But it's a shame because it seems like the unhealthiest person in the relationship is the LEAST likely one to go to counseling.   :(
Title: Re: For DIL's who Lurk
Post by: cocobars on January 13, 2010, 12:25:29 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 07:16:12 AM
Okay, picture this, Coco....I'm at the High School reunion....I'm looking for my old boyfriends, yes, I know I'm married. 

I look around...can't find my boyfriends anywhere.  One of my old friends said with a smile, "have you seen ****?"  I told her that I didn't see him.  She pointed to him.  What?  That's him?  What happened to his muscles?  His hair?  Oh my Lord!!  I decided to not see them anymore like they are now.  I like them better in my yearbook. 

Ladies, (young ladies) do not marry Quarterbacks, don't even marry half backs or full backs or half witted tackles.  They don't stay hunky.  It's devastating. :'(   Marry nerds and then get them some beauty help.   

LOL!  Just caught this chickie!  Sorry, but I'm catching up on this post!  I guess I should wait until I can finish reading, but couldn't help myself!