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Hi,
Definately think you did the right thing and perhaps at some point he will realize that respect is a two way street.  It always amazes me when I read something like that,  our children seem to hold the respect issue so high, yet do not realize that they need to give it to get it.  I know what you mean about the difference between his memories  and  yours . Someone here once said that if one's perception of an event is different then the reality, they basically just believe that is the way it happened.  Selective memory is something I think many of our kids have these days and they have no problem telling you each and every thing you ever did wrong but have amnesia  when it comes to their contribution to the situation.   That old saying for every action there is a reaction is true and so you lost  your temper a few times, Big deal, I am sure you had good reason and were reacting to something.

I love this topic,  at least makes me feel that I am not a horrible person for not wanting to babysit all the time.  My situation is a bit different as, daughter and gs live in upstairs apartment .  It is way too convienent for dropping downstairs, and asking could you watch him while I run to the store, visit a friend etc.   Most of the time I really don't mind but like many here have said, sometimes I just want to do what I want to do  and that does not involve playing trucks lol.

When I say no, I get this whole guilt thing going on which I must admit has gotten better lately but it is just conforting to know that I am not a horrible person because I don't want to babysit all the time.  When i think back, I know I had four children and the only time I didn't take the kids was when I worked or at an adult get together at night once in a great while.  I always tell her that she only has one child trying doing it with four lol

Hi

I definately think money can hurt a relationship between parent and child, especially if it is given with the expectation of it being returned.  In my case, I always gave money without any expectation of it being returned until one day I was approached for a loan that I didn't want to do but was told it would definately be paid back.   It was the begining of a very rough time with my son and actually was the initial cause of his decision to cut off all ties.  It was not that I demanded  he pay back a specific amount just that he made some attempt even if it was a small amount to pay back the loan and keep his promise. . That never happened and when the bank closed, he decided that it was not a relationship that he needed in his life.  Years later I even wrote him and told him that we would wipe the slate clean and erase the loan but by then damage had been done to the relationship and it never recovered.

I also saw that program and all the way thru it, I kept thinking how can the son in law not even offer five dollars when he owed her so much money.  Unbelievable.  . Hindsight is 20-20 as they say and if I had it to do all over again, I would never of agreed to that loan.

Nice post Luise, What I always think about situations like this and even with my position is that it totally amazes me the different perceptions that people have within the same envirornment . No matter how long it goes on or how one tries to go on with their lives, I don't think any of us ever get to that point that we don't question the whys  late at night.
The logical side of our minds know that we may never understand, but that little mother part of us can't help feeling confused , and a bit betrayed by the whole thing. 
Its been seven years since I have heard from my son and although my life is good and I thank God for all his blessings, I still think about the situation each and every day.  I have pretty much given up on the thought that we will ever reconcile but I do feel bad for him that he has chosen the road he has .

Hi Smiles,
It is a hard situation living so far away so that every visit involves someone sleeping somewhere other then their own home.  I live in Sweden and have two daughters in the states, one with a daughter and one with dogs lol  When I make the trip back to the states, it always feels like the thought process is Mom's coming I can get a break.  I don't see my gd very often so I don't refuse but its hard when you don't know their schedules or habits or what they are allowed or not allowed to do. 
I don't really demand that they give up a bedroom but I do require a tv no matter where I end up sleeping lol. 

Thanks for the views and support because to be honest I was feeling a bit like no matter what I do is wrong scenario. 
Nana, thanks for the website and the views and think it is so true not only with our kids but with many of our friends as well.  Definitely something I need to work on, especially on the saying No part.
Pooh,  I asked for straight up views and that is what you gave, so no apologies.  I know  it is her responsibility to set up her childcare and I think I have told her a hundred times during the year that she needed to work on building a support group around her so that should something happen she has people she can rely on.  As far as the days split during my visits,  I really try to do a main base at one daughter usually the oldest  just because making the rounds is not only exhausting but expensive .  I have even opted to rent a house in Florida so everybody had a vacation one year and I only had one stop lol. 

Sassy,  I had to laugh  because to be honest that is more true then you know.  Many times my gd has sounded more mature then her mom and I have stated that numerous times.  I think her plan is once my gd get to age 11giving her a European vacation each year.   Thankfully they do not allow young children to fly alone or I am sure she would be arriving any day.
Gretchenw   Believe me I am very proud of her for raising her daughter alone and do not in any way underestimate what is involved in doing so.  Gd is a beautiful and highly intelligent kid and she has done a wonderful job in so many ways which I have told her. 
Julie, hope you are feeling better.
Needless to say your posts have made me feel a lot better  and I do think the request was indeed  way above board.  It would be different if I lived closer and she asked if I minded watching gd  giving me the option of yes or no.  But as many of you surely can relate , it is one thing visiting and a whole  different thing to be the full time babysitter.   I get tired   lol

I would like to get some outside thoughts on how you all deal with guilt trips thrown by your adult children.
A little background , I live in Europe with my hub and youngest daughter and 2yr gs. Usually once or twice a year, I make the trip back to the states to see my other two daughters  and other gd. We have always had a fairly good relationship and I speak to both of them every day, either by me calling or by them calling.  On my visits back home, I try to split my time evenly between them as they live in different states but without fail, each time I go, I hear how I spent ten days at one and 11 days at the other. This is usually caused just by the airline flights I obtain and in no way are done intentionally.

My oldest daughter just visited here and we spent a nice two weeks together and our plans are making our trip this year back in November .  I have already offered to help my middle daughter with tickets so that she can travel to her sister 's home for Turkey day and we can all have a nice holiday.

Yesterday, my middle daughter called and wanted to know if she bought me a ticket , would I fly to the states and stay with her for the summer, two months and babysit my 6yr gd.  I explained that it was really not a good time, as my hub  has just started medical treatment  which requires ivs every two weeks and has just been put on a total  gluten free diet.  On top of that we had just gotten back from rome and were trying to save the money for the trip in November.  I offered to pay for half of the cost of summer camp so that  she was not so strapped and even offered to pay for the tickets in Nov but none of the offers were good enough.  She proceeded to place a major guilt trip on me for not coming, saying everything else could wait, she needed someone to watch gd, how I am never there when she needs me etc.   

It just seems that no matter what I do , someone always gets upset and if I could just divide myself between the three girls I would be fine.  At times like this, I sometimes think it is kind of a blessing that my son does not speak to me because I don't think I could deal with four of them  laying these guilt trips on me .   Thoughts ?

I was begining to think I was the only one not in a celebrating mood today. Yes, it is good that they were finally able to find him, however where they found him opens up even more questions concerning who we believe are on the right side . When I woke up this morning and watched the news, it was a mixed bag of emotions.  The images of the celebrations going on in Washington etc did not bring feelings of proudness, but rather a bit of disapointment that in such a civilized country, we were reduced to this type of display over a loss of a life, regardless of their path  that person chose in life.

I understand how many will view this a closure but I hope that the future will not bring us more pain in the process.

Hi
Living in a different country then your kids can be very hard and challenging to keep a relationship with gc going and active. Although I live in a different country then my two daughters, we do manage to speak every day which keeps us in touch with each other's lives.  We also have a webcam for my gd so we can still stay active in our relationship with her. It does take a bit more effort to keep the relationships going but the time you spend with them when you go back for a visit is really special.
When I first left the US , I made sure the girls all had their passports and were able to contact us at any time which helped make the distance a bit easier to deal with. Even though we have been out of the US for over nine years, when we do visit, we are still dealing with the splitting our time equally during our visits.  It seems they caculate exactly how many days we spend with each one and if one is a day or two shorter, I always seem to hear about it.  lol.
It will be a bit hard in the begining both for them and for you but you will find that once they get use to the idea  they will come around .  Best of luck

Ikea,  me as a non swede loves it, my swedish other half hates it. As far as the meatballs go, I never touch them.  I think I cooked them maybe the first month I lived here, one happen to drop on floor when I was putting them in a bowl and the darn thing bounced.  That was the end of my meatball days,  I refuse to eat food that bounces like one of those old time super balls   lol

Hides mints behind back  Mints what mints   Can I interest you in a Swedish meatball maybe   lol

I personally feel if we all lived by that old rule , "Treat others as you would like to be treated" both sides would be alot happier. 

Happy Birthday to your baby and trust me 60 is the new 40 

Girl Scouts, Brownies here and even a stint as a brownie leader  lol.   Just got a box of thin mints for Easter along with two boxes of GS cookies that I guard with my life lol.  Also did a round of Rainbow girls  but still have no idea what to be when I grow up either.  Wouldn't it be neat if we could take all the knowledge we have now and go back and do it again. 

AnonymousDIL

Originally from Ny but have lived six hours north of Stockholm, Sweden for the last 9 years.