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I thought I'd add 2 cents worth of applied linguistics perspective. I guess I don't understand this whole naming business. You allow the babies to dub you with your grandmother title? How does this work? How do they know what to call you at all unless you have told them who you are in the first place? Since you were encouraging them to call you Grandma, isn't it logical that Mommaw was a 2 year old attempt to say Grandma, rather than an attempt to christen you with a brand new name? What if they had come out with something not so cute, like Doodyhead or something? 

My daughter's niece can't say Rs. She calls my SIL Uncle Weed. Yes it's adorable, but he's not going to start calling himself Weed. Grown-ups continue to model the correct pronunciation and she eventually masters the R sound. She hears Reed, she just can't say it yet. Likewise, your grandbabies have been hearing Grandma, and it came out wrong. A cute mispronunciation. Soon mommaw will be gamma or maybe gwanma and finally Grandma. Might it be confusing to them to change your name at this point?

If you've been going by Grandma all along and even encouraging them to call you Grandma, I don't understand the importance of changing your name to Mommaw, or why the spelling matters, especially if it causes a rift between you and the person who will ultimately determine how much you will be allowed to see the kids. Would you really want your very name to irk your DIL?

You ask if we decided if Mammaw was probably ok...I think the point everyone here is making is that it doesn't sound like it's ok with your DIL, and she's the one who matters, unfortunately.

No matter what they call you, it's gonna sound sweet.

I once went out to see a popular local stand up comedian.   His idea of funny was to bring people up on stage and tear them apart. I watched as they all laughed fake laughs to show they were good sports, while the audience laughed uncomfortable laughs, either to show they had the correct sense of humor or out of fear of being the next victim.

I left before intermission. I have always despised Don Rickles' insult-type humor that gets a laugh at someone else's expense.

So if my DIL did what you describe, I would say something, and if it continued, I would leave, because I also believe that to stay would be condoning the behavior.  If my son chooses to get upset with me for that, well...then he doesn't know me very well. I would rather be hated for speaking my mind than accepted for dummying up.

And I don't care if he does "deserve" it, there are more effective and useful ways to deal with problems than public humiliation. That only compounds it.

As for what I would say, "Shut your pie hole" comes to mind, but it probably would come out more like, "I don't feel comfortable with the jokes about DS's inadequacies, but I am concerned, and if I can help by talking privately, give me a call. " If she wants to get all bent out of shape over that, oh well. At least she knows where I stand.

I agree with Lilly...whatever you can live with better.

Pen beat me to the term Crazy Making.

Lilly, I think if I were you I would trust myself. You know you didn't do what she claims. Stop looking for something that doesn't exist. 

It would be like me believing my son's claim there was never food in the house. My 6 foot 190 lb. son. It's so utterly absurd.

Even if the story were true, which you know it isn't, doesn't it say something about how small a thing your son is willing to cut you off over? I would say to him, "Is this the best you can come up with for the way I've been cut off?"

Don't make yourself nuts over small potatoes. 

for your viewing enjoyment.....2 favorites in one..... the Jitterbug scene that was not included in the Wizard of Oz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SP5IcbwVhqI


oh the good old days.

My dad taught me the fox trot.

Y'all can have ALL my stuff because I'M LEAVING!!!

Hi Capoly,

I can relate to your pain. I was married to a man who lived a double life, too. He has been trying to turn all of my kids against me for the past 14 years with his continued lies. He has succeeded with the youngest.

Luise writes, "The danger in our personal evolution is in "being right", in being able to prove it and in hanging on to that for dear life. We can't have it both ways...we can't hang on and move on simultaneously."

This is precisely my stumbling block. I want vindication, but I want peace more. I want justice, but I want joy more. I even want revenge, but I want my dignity more. In order to move on, I must let go of my desire for things to be put to rights. And that process started when I realized that was impossible. The damage is done.

The best I can do now is to cut my losses, cherish the loved ones who have stuck by me and go find my new place in this world. It's scary to move on, but it's got to be better than being stuck in this senseless, looping tragedy with no closure.

The little steps I have taken confirm that it is.

Welcome to our safe place.

Is this what you were referring to, Luise?

"Remember this, when you "help" someone you are doing something for them they cannot do for themselves.  When you "enable" someone you are doing something for someone they can.....and usually should.....do for themselves.  What your doing is right.   Hugs to you."

Author Momnomore.

It struck me too.

Quote from: Ruth on August 13, 2012, 05:21:02 PMWhat I struggle with most, is the complete absence of anyone to tell me what to do, or not to do, or to say or not to say.   

Dear Ruth, I doubt there is anything you could do or say to correct the course of this relationship. So I have found some wise people to tell you what to do.

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.
~Mother Teresa

Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer.
~Muhammad Ali

Silence is a true friend who never betrays.
~Confucius

Silence is a source of great strength.
~Lao Tzu

Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence.
~Leonardo da Vinci

My silence is my self defense.
~Billy Joel

...and

Maybe my silence is not healing the relationship, but I think it's healing me.
~Constantmargaret

Sprout roots on his backside...LOL Ruth!

It feels good to me to read your assertion of power. I'm also trying to get it into my head that we can hold the power in our messed up relationships by setting boundaries and not caving in.

In essence, you're saying to your DS, this is the kind of relationship with you I will accept. Nothing else. If you want me as your mother, you must treat me with respect.  If you can't, or won't, ........OH WELL. Period.

By the way, I think you're a very nice lady. I just want to hug you.

 It doesn't sound like you have much to bargain with. If FDIL wants to call you by your first name, I would try to be ok with it and not see it as a sign of disrespect. She may see another perspective, like calling you Mom would be disrespectful to her own mother. I would try to swallow the bitter pill and sign the card by your first name. If you sign it Mrs. she will likely think you're being cold.

I'm just a person who has to attend a rehearsal dinner and a wedding I'm a bit nervous about. I would go to the events and behave with perfect grace and class. Smile, smile, smile. Be impeccable. Since you plan to bow out afterward, leave with your dignity intact. You will never regret that.

Now I hope I can take my own advice.

What about charms with DS, DD, etc.....?  only we will know what they mean to us.

Stop tempting me!!!

I looked at that ring and besides being really pretty and besides being a reminder of the safe haven of virtual friendship we share here, as if that weren't enough, it said the stones correspond to Aquarius and Pisces, which would give it even more meaning because those are my DH's and my signs.

Like I need  prodding to do some retail therapy....

 I wouldn't enjoy being married to someone who wouldn't allow me to maintain relationships with my family. Unless your DS has the patience of Job, I would think that would get old after a while.

My DD is in a similar situation, and I'm wondering how long she'll allow the person she's with to alienate her from her family. We have a family wedding coming up and she just informed me they're getting a hotel instead of staying with us or any other member of the family, and I know money was an issue so I'm not sure why they wouldn't stay with family after being offered any number of options.

But I'm learning, and I didn't ask her why.

I hope your DS finds a way to have the kind of relationships he wants with his own parents without jeopardizing his marriage, but honestly, if he can't, what kind of marriage is that? I go between feeling sorry for someone in his situation and feeling like he should stand up for himself.

I also hope you can take some comfort knowing he would spend more time with you if he felt he could. Hope you feel better.

Ten percent of your annual earnings?

I would tell her that's what the Pope expects too.

I agree what a nerve! Although I almost spit my coffee out laughing at such an outrageous statement. How on earth did you react when you heard that?

Not making light of your situation, but remarks like that just make it easier to see people's true colors. I'm getting a KitchenAid mixer for my FDIL's wedding gift. I'm going in on it with my daughter. I'm also using it to make 150 cupcakes for her wedding before I give it to her and I don't think she'll have any problem with that. 

Your DS's comment about how your home would be a great place to live if you weren't there makes me think he and his GF are quite a pair. I'm sorry to say I think you are way better off without them in your life.

I'm glad you found us. Reading here definitely helps put the craziness into perspective.

May I venture a guess?

WEDDINGS!

Don't get me started.....