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ok - MIL has told DH today that she will be visiting in 3 wks.  They have chosen to drive & stretch out the drive for 4 days each way to get here.  When they arrive my parents will have been gone less than 48 hrs, I be recovered fairly well from the c-section and new baby will be 3 wks old.  According to DH (since MIL didnt speak to me) there is NO end date for their visit... this bothers me as I cannot have a countdown or thought process of 3 days left to go.  Also, DH has cousins who live within 3 hrs that typically MIL invites over while she's visiting us.  I am not interested in this at this time. 

AM I being inappropriate?  I don't care if MIL goes to see them but I have no interest in getting together with these relatives jsut b/c MIL is here. Additionally, my DH thinks MY negative attitude is going to turn the "visit" negatively - I think I am going my past experiences.  SO is it me or what???

Why does she have to stay with you?  Would your husband agree to limit her visit?

I don't think you are wrong about her staying for an indefinite about of time. I think you need to be specific about how long she can stay...simply because guests in the house are different than routine, and routines are great for moms and babies, IMO. 

I think that is okay for you to say no additional guests at this time too...perhaps a dinner at a restaurant would be better for meeting? My ILs live 18 hours away, and if they're within a halfday driving distance, we always try to get together for dinner. I don't think that is unreasonable for a 3 hour drive. You could go if you want, or *stay home with the baby, who may or may not have the immunity to be around a crowd of people*. My doctor asked me to wait until 6 weeks before I started having more than one to two guests over at a time, or before I started taking the baby to crowded places. I didn't intend to follow that rule, but there was a pertussis outbreak in a nearby school the day DD was born so I decided that I would do the best I could.  Fortunately, I'm not that popular so I think the only time I had two visitors come was when my ILs came. No biggie.

As for a negative attitude...I believe negative assumptions can make a future situation negative instead of positive. Negative assumptions are used to help us prepare, but we can't really prepare for everything, and some things may or may not happen. As long as you aren't running "what-ifs" by your DH and saying how angry they will make you, I don't think it's a big deal though. Your goal of limiting her visit to a set time period and not really wanting a crowd at the house are not the same thing as a negative attitude (unless you're yelling at him about it?).

The way I see it is that a more definite/limited visit and a requirement to limit the number of visitors in your home during that time is a way to make the stay more positive, not negative. You would be making it more comfortable for you, which could not hurt the amount of enjoyment your MIL has while she does stay.

Your house...your call. I mean it. You already have your hands full. Get DH on board. People can make vague and open ended visits to suite themselves...they just have to work the details out with the hotel. You aren't negative...you are realistic. They need to be to. I have never been the "y'all come, the more the merrier, open-door policy" person. There are all kinds and they are great. So am I. Sending love...

ST... You seem to be upset and concerned by the conversation between your dh and your in-laws, yet I only see you building resentment, anger and an attitude towards the in-laws.  Yes this is your home, your new baby, your body and mind.. as well, it is your husbands home and new baby.   If you and dh can't get on the same page concerning what is appropriate for your immediate family how can you hold your in-laws responsible? 

I can't agree that this is solely 'your' call... you have a partnership that I feel must be taken into account.  You should be able to explain to your husband that you do not feel that you will be up to having guest.. I hope that will work for you as I do not think I would want extra extended family visiting.

Your husband is correct, if you view the entire visit as negative, it very possibly has no chance to be anything but negative.  If I had to feel that my dil was doing nothing more then counting down the days till I left, then yes I think my visit would be strained and ripe for some negativity.  I guess I never thought of stating my departure date first in order to give my dil something tangible to hang onto and look forward to.

Just curious.. when are your parents coming, as you mentioned that the baby will be 3 weeks old by time your parents leave.

elsiehayes - in DHs family it seems they can't get enough of each other - seriously most live within 15 mins of each other yet will spend 3 days (of entire extended family) for holidays etc.  THIS IS NOT ME - I am a private person.  I can enjoy seeing them all but it is the extended amts of time that does me in. MIL & step FIL cannot afford to stay in a hotel.  They WANT to drive so they can have their car to go "do things".  I told my DH to pay for their tickets so we could control their stay (plus 6 hrs on a plane seems btr than 4 days 7 hrs each in a car) but they want to do what they want to do.
Holly - visitors to our home will be no more than 2 at a time. Interesting about the pertussis aka whopping cough (DH had it in April!!) but we've all done antibiotics & I am supposed to get the booster shot before I come home.  I have to say I am not running the what-if game past my DH; I am just going by what has happened in the past (although I am anticipating how angry they will make me).  I know I could make a list of the crappy things they have said/done to me over previous visits & when I had our 1st DD the amt of help they were (zero - no cooking, cleaning, and comparison comments).  I agree that it will be difficult to "make a positive visit" with my attitude.
Louise -thank you, although maybe as I explain more of how I'm feeling I seem more "at fault".
Laurie - I was kind of hoping you would respond since I DO value the other side of the coin.  My DH and I disagree on how to handle things.  He was raised in one way & I in another.  I asked him if he wanted me to tell them when I was offended by things they said & did rather than letting it build. He responded that he didn't want to talk about it right now.   So the wheels spin.  DH NEVER says anything TO THEM even when he is totally offended/disregarded.  I never said his parents should not visit just that I need to have an end in sight.  I can handle them in small doses but previous visits have lasted 3 wks.  My parents are coming (my mom for 2 wks & dad for 1).   Strangely, when we told them all we were preg DH asked my mom to come down when the baby was born.  My parents will cook, clean, talk to both of us, not call all our siblings or expect to be entertained while they are here.  My Dad wants a list of things to be done around the house, they will adapt to our DD's schedule.  DH suggested that since MIL lost a sister recently that things might be different this time? Also, he said he would tell them that they had to help.  I'm sure that will go over well.  If it were 5 days or even a wk I could handle it but just we're coming...
Frankly, I have NO relationship with my MIL.  So at this most vulnerable time for me and my family, she is NOT someone I would choose to have around.  I am trying to accommodate my DHs feelings but at what expense to my own?  Is this about their "grandparent experience" or us having a baby? I feel like it is a critical stranger who gossips to everyone posted & watching in my home.  I asked my DH to take time off when HIS parents were here but to no avail.  I do see this as a DH problem & we are NOT communicating/agreeing on how to handle them.  I don't have time to solve it now.  For MONTHS I tried to talk to DH about this and I got the you're worrying about something that might not happen.  Well, now 48 hrs before my surgery I am spun up.  MIL is so concerned for me and loves me so that she spoke to my DH asked to speak to our DD (for the 4th or 5th time this year) who said she was busy but didn't speak to me at all.  Gee, I feel the love & concern. 

St .......As my DS lives a short distance ,I have never stayed over .However before my GD was born fdil told me she wanted time to bond with baby when she was born .She didn't actually say don't come but I took that as a cue for me to  have a short and sweet visit .I totally understand where you are coming from .At the  moment I am staying with my ODS for a few days ,and I know he will be glad  when we go lol We love each other to bits ,but I.know he values his provacy and his private life .As he loves us ,he puts up with us lol We are staying 4 days pre arranged .               Re the cousins coming  over , I.think she should go.visit them ..........we know your MIL wants and.needs to see her new gc ,but I think stating how long the visit should be is common courtesy and she being a mom should respect what you have and are going through .Your  DH should ask his DM how long she will be staying .This is not offensive and gives you time to plan .......over to him ....good luck with the impending birth of your beautiful new baby ,concentrate on this and tell your DH to organise his DM .....!

Maybe your husband will find out how long they are staying once they arrive..or he feels they can stay as long as they are able to.

Maybe he feels there should not be a problem with visiting, after all, your parents will be visiting too.

I would always let the visits just happen, cause if I didn't treat his family the way I want to be treated...he may do the same to me with my family.

After all, doesn't everyone just want to see the baby?..They are not staying forever.

I think this decision has to be up to both of you...people don't get an unlimited visit just because my DH would be okay with that. It's my house too, and given that he'll be working and I would be the one at home all day with the baby and a child, visitors would be more of a disruption to my routine,  not his. We'd need to work out some sort of common ground, and a deadline (not for a countdown, but so I can have some assurance that my life is in fact returning to normal) seems like a reasonable thing. It's not up to her how  long she stays at your house if she is prone to long visits...it's up to you and your DH. I'm sure that you guys can find a compromise on this somehow.

However, I also think that your parents staying for two weeks (no matter how much they help) creates this idea that your house is open to really long stays. You said last time MIL stayed for three weeks...that was uncomfortable for you. Is two better and totally acceptable? I would say that is totally fair since your mom stayed for two weeks. You can't really expect her to stay less than that. Have you told DH, "Two weeks is what will work best for me, what are your thoughts?"

Hindsight is 20/20, but it seems that if the invitation was made, the timeframe should have been given then...like, "We'd like you to come for two weeks if you can stay for that long...does that work?" Just because it wasn't said then, doesn't mean you guys can't say it when she gets there. You have quite a few weeks before she comes to talk to DH about it. Since she is driving...yes, she can stay for a really long time, but she can also leave at will too. I don't see why you couldn't tell her when sometime in between now and then, "Geez, we've had visitors for the past month, and while we appreciate the help...we'd like our house to return to being our little home again by XXX. We hope you understand and we're looking forward to your visit."

ST, as a former DIL/new mom I understand your concern. I also understand how awkward it is to be around people you don't like. Do you suppose your DH is feeling the same about your Ps? They comfort and help you, but they may be seen differently by DH.

As a current MIL, I am not liked or valued by my DIL. We've never been invited to their home, and I'm sure we would not be invited to stay if/when GC arrive. DH & I are as important to DS as DIL's FOO is to her, but DS is kind enough to put up with his ILs while DIL is not.

In the event of new GC arrival, I'd be trying to ignore the awkwardness with DIL in order to spend time with DS and GC. Of course I would be aware of DIL's needs as a new mom recovering from delivery, but I'd be most interested in DS & GC since DIL has set it up that way from day one. If we had a closer relationship with DIL we'd be more caring towards DIL. Your MIL will need to be reminded of your needs, but if your Ps have been there awhile she's probably  going to want equal time. She sees your DH as half of your partnership - he is, isn't he?

I'd limit your Ps time as well as your ILs time to one week each, tops. If it's too late to do that, get on the google and find a lot of day trips in your area for the ILs to enjoy. Stock up on prepared food at Costco and buy a lot of paper plates. Good luck!

Quote from: Pen on May 22, 2011, 07:30:22 AM
I'd limit your Ps time as well as your ILs time to one week each, tops. If it's too late to do that, get on the google and find a lot of day trips in your area for the ILs to enjoy. Stock up on prepared food at Costco and buy a lot of paper plates. Good luck!

This exactly. Day trips would be wonderful for visitors. I find that when I take some time apart from ILs, we all regroup and it resets the mood when we reconvene. When DH and I were in Italy, our biggest mistake was being with them for 14 days 100% of the time. The trips where we took a little time for ourselves (not even for long, maybe a dinner or a walk around Venice for an hour) really helped tremendously and I think both ILs and us (even if our time was separte for a little while) benefitted. Quality over quantity.

Plus...I mean really, if I was every staying for anywhere that long, I think I'd like a little entertainment and tourism while I'm there. 2 weeks in your house all day sounds like a drag to me, no matter how cute GKs are. I hope that wasn't mean, I'm just trying to point out that if Im' taking two weeks out of my schedule, even if it is to help, I'd expect time to do my own thing and see the area.

Holly, after I posted this I thought "One week each, are you nuts Pen? Three days each is more like it!" LOL.

I'm not good in groups for long periods of time. I'd definitely want to get out and explore around on my own. My SM always tries to control my visits to DF & SM by insisting that I don't need a rental car or a hotel, but I can't stand being tied to them 24/7. If the budget allows, I get a rental car and other accomodations now, much to her chagrin. Learned that one the hard way.

ST, is it possible to use the money that you would be willing to spend on their plane tickets on a hotel instead?

I think there is no use applying what's fair or equal here.  It's what is in the best interest of the household.  It's in the bottom line best interest for the baby to have calm parents.

I am the same...three days is my limit, and I have even shortened that when I have visited my brother. I need a little sense of control over my time, and I need to recharge. I try to bend my times when visitor sb come, my Ils are staying for a week in June...but I revel in an empty house after that.

Pen Wrote:

QuoteAs a current MIL, I am not liked or valued by my DIL. We've never been invited to their home, and I'm sure we would not be invited to stay if/when GC arrive. DH & I are as important to DS as DIL's FOO is to her, but DS is kind enough to put up with his ILs while DIL is not.

In the event of new GC arrival, I'd be trying to ignore the awkwardness with DIL in order to spend time with DS and GC. Of course I would be aware of DIL's needs as a new mom recovering from delivery, but I'd be most interested in DS & GC since DIL has set it up that way from day one. If we had a closer relationship with DIL we'd be more caring towards DIL. Your MIL will need to be reminded of your needs, but if your Ps have been there awhile she's probably  going to want equal time. She sees your DH as half of your partnership - he is, isn't he?

I'd limit your Ps time as well as your ILs time to one week each, tops. If it's too late to do that, get on the google and find a lot of day trips in your area for the ILs to enjoy. Stock up on prepared food at Costco and buy a lot of paper plates. Good luck!

This really hits home for me.  I am certain my MIL feels the same way about me but interestingly, I feel the same way.  I do not invite MIL to my home because she does not speak to me, our DD, call our home anything.  If per chance we do speak (usually when DD hands me the phone) it is about the weather OR SILs kids – never asks about OUR family, OUR DD – this adds to the animosity.  I can see how my DH is kind to put up with my parents while I complain about the ILs.  When DD was born all MIL never did anything – just added to tension/stress of 1st time parent & made statements like "I've never seen a bellybutton that looked like that, she looks just like my grandson (about 1,000,000 times), aren't you ever going to put that baby down, you sure kiss her a lot etc.  My parents came for 5 days while they stayed 3 wks.  While my parents were here they made multiple meals to refrigerate/freeze.  My ILs never cooked anything – only ate the stuff MY family had made until they left (thereby leaving us on our own when they did leave). 
Anyway, what I wanted to ask is what would get you to the closer relationship with your DIL?  I tried calling regularly in attempt to talk but am always inundated with info about SILs kids or family gossip (stuff that would anger me if I were the topic).  I send MIL all the same photos that my FOO receives.  I am at a loss at where to go from here.  When my MIL "concentrates" on our DD while she will be talking about SILs kids.  We live 2000 miles away from all ILs so DD sees these cousins (who are 5-10 yrs older than her) maybe once a year.  We don't really talk to them nor they to us (DH is somewhat at odds with his DS). 
I appreciate everyones input it gives me a lot to think about.   But for now, I am going to concentrate on the baby & DH & DD and what every else will be, will be.

Quote from: stilltrying2010 on May 22, 2011, 09:26:52 AM
Anyway, what I wanted to ask is what would get you to the closer relationship with your DIL?  I tried calling regularly in attempt to talk but am always inundated with info about SILs kids or family gossip (stuff that would anger me if I were the topic).  I send MIL all the same photos that my FOO receives.  I am at a loss at where to go from here.  When my MIL "concentrates" on our DD while she will be talking about SILs kids.  We live 2000 miles away from all ILs so DD sees these cousins (who are 5-10 yrs older than her) maybe once a year.  We don't really talk to them nor they to us (DH is somewhat at odds with his DS). 
I appreciate everyones input it gives me a lot to think about.   But for now, I am going to concentrate on the baby & DH & DD and what every else will be, will be.

ST, I don't know. I think my DIL kind of set us back by saying we'd done nothing wrong, but she hated us anyway. It makes it awkward to call her or want to communicate with her even though she's been willing to join DS on an occasional visit since then. She's very busy; I may be wrong, but I feel the last thing she wants to spend her precious free time on is a text or call from her MIL. Sometimes I wish I had done something I could apologize for or fix so we could move on. The reason we don't call or drop in on them with short notice is because we've been trying to not be buttinsky ILs. I'd love to communicate more or feel free to call when I'm in the 'hood, but DIL has made it clear she doesn't want us around. It's odd, because she says we don't call often as if that's an excuse for her to encourage DS to favor her FOO. But if I were to call/visit as often as her FOO does (at least daily) she'd hate me even more! I patiently wait for DS to contact me, which he does when she's not around.

DS has questioned why we don't call him when we're in the vicinity & I've told him we know he & DIL have busy lives; I haven't mentioned still feeling uncomfortable from the DIL shunning episode. I so cherish those spontaneous times when a visit works out, but I doubt DIL will be inviting us over anytime soon.

Pen .....:.I don't know how you tolerate your situation. How can you be civil to someone who said they hated you .......?         
I would find it very hard.I  would have to tell my DS how I felt ,he must wonder why you don't call when  nearby,even though your DIL doesn't want to see you I'm sure he does .If you keep away doesn't that mean you're giving  into her silly demands ,when you've done nothing wrong ?

ST,

I think your MIL will make comparisons (however wrong) b/c that is what GPs have wanted to do. My MIL doesn't really want us adopting b/c she said the point of GPs is to take pride in who they look like most or where they get their traits from. While I think she's totally wrong...I understand that premise for a normal GP. You can't help but be excited when you see that a GK has someone's nose, or waves their hand like so-and-so used to do, or when you see the similar stuff between your GK. My DD points at everything (so does every other child at her daycare) but the ILs say "Oh, she gets that from us, GS does that too!" Are they wrong? Uh-huh. Does it matter? Nope. They even call my DD a ginger. If you saw my facebook, my DD is a blonde. But, they choose to see what they want...I can't help that or change it. I just can silently disagree and chuckle lightly when someone says, "Oh your DD has some blonde locks!" If I let it get to me (or keep letting it get to me), I'm certain that it won't change and I will go bonkers.

Plus, I think I've said this before, my ILs live far away from both of their sons. So, when they see something similar in both GKs they jump on it to talk about. I don't know my nephew...I've met him twice. I don't really care about all the wonderful things he is doing either. BUT, my MIL does. Her chatting about that with me is probably a way of keeping her family together somehow. It can't possibly feel very together for her with us all located so far away.  It's not really about me or my feelings, it's about her, and that is okay too.

Good luck with the baby! You'll be fine no matter what comes!

You need to have a time frame and set into place for both parents.  Tell them we can only have you in our home for x amount of time.  I can only imagine how annoying it would be to have house guest who are not helping you.  To me thats kind of the point you coming to help.  If they are not helpful they can get a hotel room and visit for a few hours each day. 

FIL and his wife never offered a thing of help the day DD came home.  My mom was in the house cleaning the day we came home from the hospital and they didn't offere a single thing.(sat there holding DD then left as my mom cleaned up the house)  Then left and let her daughter start something.  So yeah for me ILs with newborn not so much of a good experience. 

I myself am glad they don't live far away from us.  While my mother and father would be very helpful not having my house to myself would drive me nuts.  I learned that the hard way.

My friend came in from the army he refused to stay with his parents and was going to get a hotel.  Who lets a serivce man get a hotel I felt I could not.  It was Christmas time he was suppose to leave to go up north for Christmas but plans got cancalled.  He thought he was going to spend Christmas with my family that wasn't going to happen.  He came sat on my couch and did nothing.  Never even offering to clean up after I cooked him a meal left dishes.  And just plain tried to take over my tv.  My condo is not big(It wasn't so bad when I lived in my 2400 sq ft house) and it made me want to rip my hair out.  He was always in my way.  And stayed in my house for four days and  never showered so gross.  So needless to say yep I don't do well with house guests.  I like my space.

You and DH need to get on the same page.

SassyDI,

That was nice of you to do that. I'm sorry he didn't appreciate it. Depending on how long he was deployed and to where, it might have been a bit of a culture shock for him to start showering everyday. I used to have to send my brother dryer sheets so he could put them in his sleeves and pant legs to "freshen up." Some days down range he would go 3 weeks before he had enough water for bathing. He said when he came home, he felt guilty for free use of water at first. But, SIL basically hog-tied him and he spent 2 hours in the bath tub one night and got over it. LOL.

I just asked my DH about this. He said, "If I am lucky enough to do it over again, no in-home visitors for the first month." I reminded him that we didn't have any in-home visitors. He said, "With how stressed out we were, (I didn't think we were, LOL) I think house guests of any sort would be too much. I didn't realize it then, but I relaize it now."

Ahem, I need a cold drink now. He must want something.

Holly, did he mean no visitors at all to your home?  lol about wanting something.

If we are lucky enough for it to happen our visitation hours will be really brief for the first month or so and then we would have a welcome baby party when we felt ready.  I can't get behind the idea that a set plan needs to happen b/c as I learned with DD, can't plan anything when a baby decides to show up.  I also learned that I didn't really need much help, IME people who wanted to "help" thought it was helping to hold the baby and feed her lol. 

I also can't get behind the everyone is equal mindframe.  My MIL makes my FOO nervous, the last time they saw her she talked the entire time about a person who died over 30 years ago and how her mourning was going.  This is not an unusual occurrence with her, she's the "bride at every wedding, corpse at every funeral" type of person.  IMO, I think it would be foolish to try to rack our brains and wrap ourselves up in pretzels trying to accomodate her at that time.

Sometimes there is just plain old consequences to behavior.  My FOO doesn't have those issues, respect space and boundaries, stays in a hotel...etc.  MIL does not and last I saw she was still talking about death when babies are born.

He meant people staying with us. He said he was okay with people staying in a hotel...he also said he didn't want them over all day. Amazing that he says this now. If it winds up that our second child comes via adoption, he already said his parents probably aren't going to be interested in a visit anyhow...so I don't know that I have that to worry about anymore. I have some other issues to worry about, apparently, lol. Gosh, I hope he isn't right about his parents disinterest in an adopted child. I hope that is just temporary until the child actually comes home. I relaly don't want to have to think about consequences myself.

I hope they are accepting of the child but I would guess DH knows best.  That's really sad, Holly. 

Quote from: Pen on May 22, 2011, 07:30:22 AM
As a current MIL, I am not liked or valued by my DIL. We've never been invited to their home, and I'm sure we would not be invited to stay if/when GC arrive. DH & I are as important to DS as DIL's FOO is to her, but DS is kind enough to put up with his ILs while DIL is not.

Same situation here.  DIL won't let us visit her home while she is there.  If DS were to invite us, she would find an excuse to leave town.

I would never have complained about my MIL, or about receiving company when my children were babies.  I don't understand DILs who do.

Hi Seasons,

Welcome to the Forum. Please read our Forum Agreement under "Open Me First" if you have not had a chance to do so. Hopefully, you are comfortable here. Hopefully, reading on the site will give you a chance to tell your story and read and learn about others. I am not sure any of has have any real understanding of the situations we're in, but we always try to empathize with others and what they're going through.

Dear Still

This is what I think.  I am a mil....and do think that your parents and husband's parents should be treated equally as grandparents. 

But.....in this case (your case) I feel that Luise is right....it is your house ...it is your call.   You, dear Still, should not be worrying about in-laws at this point.  This is all about you and your new baby....Mil stresses you a lot, so why have her near so soon. I dont think it is the right time for her to visit  You need to to organize yourself and need to adapt/bond with your baby.   Having your mother is different...the difference is that you feel relax with her, and as a member of your family you cant tell her anything without her feeling offended, second, she helps you a lot....and you will be needing help.  Usually Mothers are always there to help their daughters. And last, your husband will not be home because he will be working ..... I can just imagine the tension in the environment. 

I always knew my dil would have her mother helping her when the babies were born and that didnt bother me at all...(what bothered me is that she did not want us ever near lol). it was just normal..... Young mothers need their mothers and should be stress-free.  Your mother is coming to help...not to visit....that is what you can explain to your husband.

I wouldnt like to be in your shoes Still..... you have the right to be happy and to look forward to such a beautiful event... in the privacy of your home.  Now,  you cant stop her from coming at this point now, but I also think that 4 -5 days is more than enough . 

Best of Luck

Same situation here.  DIL won't let us visit her home while she is there.  If DS were to invite us, she would find an excuse to leave town.

I would never have complained about my MIL, or about receiving company when my children were babies.  I don't understand DILs who do.
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I totally agree with you seasons.

Thats okay, I don't  think my MIL understands me either. Sometimes, it would be nice if she did just say, "I understand."

It wasn't because I was trying to keep her from the baby; I'm just an introvert that can't play hostess well during a stressful time. It wasn't really personal. My parents weren't allowed to stay either for more than an hour or so.

Ok, just putting this out there....and it's just my observance of different posts over time.  I am thinking this doesn't have so much to do with "new baby" but just guests in general?  It looks like that those that are having issues with people coming after the new baby, would have these issues at any time.  I think we have had these convos before that some people don't like several days houseguests and some of us don't mind. ???

I could be totally wrong, but that's what I'm seeing. (I do realize that you guys have MILs that arent' great houseguests).  Like RedRose and seasons, I never minded who visited after either one of my children, but I also don't mind house guests at any time....so that's where I'm going with this.

Pooh,

You nailed it. I can manage it under okay circumstances. A new baby? Forget it. Introversion means that I need time to myself in a place I'm comfortable in to recharge. It's not easy, but talking/socializing for long periods of time takes a lot out of me. It's never personal. I wish I was an extrovert. Then I would draw my energy from the energy of others and I'd be totally psyched for DD's birthday party and a weeklong visit  with the ILs. I enjoy time with them, just not a lot of time. It's like that for anyone. DH is the same way.

Pooh,

I also don't like houseguests. I don't really know why. Just don't like them lol... When there are people in my ouse who don't "belong" there, I have a horrible time sleeping. Always been that way. Growing up, we had an overnight guest once, and then once when we were in college (That doesn't count the times that my grandmother had to come stay with us and booted me out of my room though.)... So, it wouldn't matter MIL, DM, or Jesus Himself! I wouldn't want them to spend the night lol (But Jesus would have the best chance of staying lol)

I took the liberty of pulling some statements from your postings under this topic. As a outsider, is what I heard you say:

Quote"When they arrive my parents will have been gone less than 48 hrs, I be recovered fairly well from the c-section and new baby will be 3 wks old"

Quote"They WANT to drive so they can have their car to go "do things".  I told my DH to pay for their tickets so we could control their stay (plus 6 hrs on a plane seems btr than 4 days 7 hrs each in a car) but they want to do what they want to do."

Quote"Frankly, I have NO relationship with my MIL.  So at this most vulnerable time for me and my family, she is NOT someone I would choose to have around."

Quote"MIL is so concerned for me and loves me so that she spoke to my DH asked to speak to our DD (for the 4th or 5th time this year) who said she was busy but didn't speak to me at all.  Gee, I feel the love & concern."

Quote"I can see how my DH is kind to put up with my parents while I complain about the ILs.  When DD was born all MIL never did anything – just added to tension/stress of 1st time parent & made statements like "I've never seen a bellybutton that looked like that,"

Quote"My parents came for 5 days while they stayed 3 wks.  While my parents were here they made multiple meals to refrigerate/freeze."

I have to agree that these views are not solely based on the arrival of a new baby.... while the baby does amplify the conditions I think it's obvious that there is simply no desire to really have these people in your life or in your home.  Of course if DH were to feel the same way then so many things would be simplified. 

I may be reading more into your postings then what you are trying to say.  Your relationships with family does appear to be lopsided and only filled with negative feelings concerning his family (as I searched for one positive example to no avail).. could this be what your dh was eluding to when he spoke about negative views?  While I hope the visit goes smoothly, I can't help but feel that this visit is doomed from the start. Once again I say that if you and your husband can not get on the same page concerning visits etc, I don't see how you can hold his relatives responsible for your lack of agreement.

The simple fact is you can pull the "It's your house...your call",  you will be backed and viewed by many as being ABSOLUTELY within your rights.  I guess the real issue is... do you want to be within your rights or do you want a life that included your husband's family.

My mother is not the easiest person to have come visit and while she does some things that could irritate a gnat my dh has never made me feel like she was not welcomed in our home.  Maybe dil's like myself are incredibly lucky as I don't think I had ever found that many negative pet peeves. 

I just don't see where the in-laws in this case can be on the winning side of any coin toss... they bring their own car so they can leave and give you time, yet you'd rather they be there without a vehicle so you can have an absolute time for their departure.  Yet if they are underfoot 24/7 they are going to be irritating pest because they are always there, thus giving you no privacy.  Meanwhile your own parents extended their visit and it was viewed as a blessing.... While I'm sure your parents were wonderful and very helpful, I have found that it was unfair to expect both sets of our parents to perform equally.   

Pooh, for me it's yes and no.  I can't relax with most visitors and anything over 3 days would send me over the cuckoo's nest lol.

But my MIL is not well and has behavior that others find hard to tolerate.  Most of the time you're playing defense with her and one of the few times I wouldn't be willing to play is when a baby is born.  I realize though that many and most MILs are not like mine.

However, I do think the good of the household is what should rule after a baby is born.  Having MIL stay open-ended at ST's house while DH is at work?  Doesn't sound like even in the best of IL relationships that it would be pleasant lol.

Quote from: Laurie on May 23, 2011, 06:49:19 AM
Once again I say that if you and your husband can not get on the same page concerning visits etc, I don't see how you can hold his relatives responsible for your lack of agreement.

I agree with Laurie on this.  I can definately see where if DH and I were in disagreement on who could visit and when, it would be something we would need to work out before we even considered anything else. 

Quote from: seasons on May 22, 2011, 08:11:43 PM

Quote from: Pen on May 22, 2011, 07:30:22 AM
As a current MIL, I am not liked or valued by my DIL. We've never been invited to their home, and I'm sure we would not be invited to stay if/when GC arrive. DH & I are as important to DS as DIL's FOO is to her, but DS is kind enough to put up with his ILs while DIL is not.

Same situation here.  DIL won't let us visit her home while she is there.  If DS were to invite us, she would find an excuse to leave town.

I would never have complained about my MIL, or about receiving company when my children were babies.  I don't understand DILs who do.

Welcome, Seasons! I'm sorry you are going through this stuff, but I'm glad you found this site.

My MIL, whom I'd never met because she lived quite far from us, showed up on short notice with her daughter and her daughter's friend, both of whom I'd never met either. Our new baby was days old. How sweet, joyous, emotional, & heartwarming it was to see MIL holding her GC for the first time! I'm so glad I didn't pull the "my house, my rules" card (it never would have occurred to me.) I let them be, and they had a special bond until MIL passed away. It also helped me feel like I was part of DH's family, which I wanted to be. If a DIL doesn't want to be part of her DH's family I suppose bonding wouldn't be of interest to her. Choose your ILs very carefully, single women! LOL. I just happened to totally luck out, whew.

Pen,

Did your MIL stay for weeks? I have no problem with people stopping by, or staying a few days, but I don't think I'm hindering a bond from forming between a GP and a GK by saying "please get a hotel" or "stay for 3 days." Matter of  fact, once we have two children, my ILs wont' have a choice but to stay in a hotel until we move again. Will that go over well? Nope. Am I hurting their bonding time with their GKs? Not really. We'll still have the whole day together, less the hours we'll be sleeping. Just because there are some things I can't accommodate doesn't mean that I'm interfering with bonding. I have no doubts that DD already knows MIL is someone special, I can tell by the look on her face. 

Oh no, Holly. I was addressing Season's post about no visits allowed at all.

Read my earlier post about houseguests so soon after L & D...and my addendum, LOL.

LOL, okay. No, I don't think no houseguests at all is very fair. I am really hoping Seasons comes back to add some more explanation to what she wrote.

I did read those earlier to be honest, that is why I asked. I didn't see the difference, but I see it now. Im' sorry.

I do believe that ST is not paying any attention to any of this... wasn't she scheduled for her c-section today?

Yes, that is a good excuse right?

Does that make this the waiting room?

Good one!

Actually, she has plenty of time to hash a visit out...3 weeks before hand and an automobile make for lots of flexibility. I'd gladly research hot spots to visit for her if both she anthinks the ILs would be up for it. I am thinking of a getaway myself...might as well do some research on a new possible spot.

Quote from: Holly on May 23, 2011, 09:43:28 AM
LOL, okay. No, I don't think no houseguests at all is very fair. I am really hoping Seasons comes back to add some more explanation to what she wrote.

****  It's my house.  Stress of a new baby.  MIL has said bad things about DD.  Don't want them here, when are they leaving, they aren't ....  ****   My head is aching from trying to read all that fine print about what the in-laws do and have done.

My attitude is just bring the kid in the house, strap him across your belly or your back, shovel out the fireplace, start the fire, hang the iron pot over the coals, and go back to work.  Folks, this isn't rocket science.  Just a darling new child for everyone to love.

With my first child, had no one to help me at home, but had a house full of builders who were ripping down ceilings.  It worked out just fine.  Second child, I was standing over the xerox machine at work when the water broke, had just enough time to drive myself to the hospital.  Kid arrived 17 minutes after I got there.  The next day I had a phone installed in my room at the hospital and worked from there.  I kept working, and it worked out just fine.

Kids are resilient.  All they need is a dry diaper and lots of love, lots of laughs, lots of being read to.  With that, they turn out just fine. 

But you know what?  I'm so very sorry for ST because she can't let her MIL become a member of her tribe.  And because I hear tension in her relationship with her DH when his parents are discussed.  It would be so much better if ST could just hand the child to her MIL, let MIL hold the kid, love her/him, talk and sing to her/him.  And while all this is happening, ST should take a well-deserved nap.  The dishes can wait, dinner can wait.  But the love and laughter and song need to go on.

Holly, have I said 'nuf yet? 

I do appreciate your explanation. You said you didn't understand DILs that don't allow visitors to stay when a new baby comes. I am one of those DILs. Perhaps, you can read my story a little bit, and others, to understand just where we're coming from. Not all of us bar our ILs from coming to visit permanently, but sometimes we do need some space at times of upheaval. It doesn't have much to do with a child being resilient...it has to do with me being comfortable and trying to figure out the new mom thing on my own two feet.

I wanted time and space to figure out my family on my own...it wasn't anything personal. This ride is only coming around once for me, and gosh, I wanted to do it all or die trying. There was plenty of time for bonding when we traveled 7 hours in one direction with a 1 month old to see our ILs. I'd never deny my child the love of another human being.

I was waiting for you to explain yourself before I explained myself. I really do try to understand where my MIL is coming from. I try to meet her halfway; it is not the end of the world or the denial of a relationship to expect her to limit her visit or stay in a hotel. I wish she would show me some of the same in return.

but is this really coming down to mutual respect with ST?  All I heard were quite a few reasons why her parents needed to be there and his didn't.  I heard that her parents are wonderful, helpful, and even flexible.. his parents, well not one single positive thing was ever mentioned about them.  When this is the approach, I have a hard time trying to really hear what is being said because there is no balance in the statements made.  I certainly did not hear, what approach can we take to make this visit work for everyone, instead I heard...I wanted to buy mil a plane ticket so I can set my countdown clock on my computer and get her butt out of here.

Once again if I heard a single positive phrase I would be the first to lend support against the bad mil.. but there is something about ST's wording such as, "So at this most vulnerable time for me and my family, she is NOT someone I would choose to have around."  Vulnerable? 

I don't think I've agreed with ST 100% either, and I can't speak for her (although I did speak for LL on another board, sorry.  :-[ ). It has always been easier for me to keep my relationship with my ILs and the ones with my parents pretty consistent with one another.

I really was only looking for Seasons clarification b/c I am a little surprised that someone would say they don't understand why a new little family would really like to limit stress and thus visitors for a  short period of time. If I adopt a child, I am not allowed to have houseguests stay over night until they the paperwork is finalized. That is actually 6 months of no visitors spending the night. They said that it might be very traumatic on a child if there is tension between a new parent trying to build attachment and another person in the house. This is not rocket science...I totally agree with Seasons. Which is why there's a 101 ways to do it that are okay, so long as Dad, Mom and new baby are comfortable.

In ST's house.. it does not sound like a comfortable household... matter of fact there seems a high amount of discomfort between husband and wife.  A shame to bring a new baby home to stress, like he/she won't get her full share later in life.

Well...like I said, all is not lost. ST really has time on her hands to figure this out with her DH. Plus, I imagine emotions may already be running high with the new baby arriving right around the corner regardless of what is coming down the pike. ST said herself she was going to just focus on DH, DD, and the new baby, no matter what comes. To me, that meant she was going to handle whatever came her way, visitors included.

I do know that if DH and I are having problems, visitors generally just add to the fray too...there is that to consider as well. I've been at my brother's when he accidentally cut off all of his DD's bangs. I got a hotel. Quick. I wasn't comfortable.

I agree Holly, I can't imagine imposing myself on a married couple who are having issues.  Baby or not lol.

I think it's bad idea for anyone to assume 3 weeks is a nice visit without even asking the mother. I honestly don't know a soul who would have thought that was a good idea, lol.  This is one of those issues I would have put in the thread "who does that??"  It is bizarre to me. But whatever, I think ST and her family will be fine and the love the have for the baby will overrule everything else.

I just asked my stepmom about this, her first question is why MIL didn't ask and make plans with ST?  She said both of her MILs always contacted her regarding visits and especially when a baby was coming and stepmom was going to be the one home while Dad worked.  She said it was a sign of respect for another woman to approach the woman of the house about visiting plans.  Interesting

I always thought you should just wait for the invite before inviting yourself but maybe STs DH did the inviting without clearing with his wife.

Quote from: pam1 on May 23, 2011, 01:41:20 PM
always thought you should just wait for the invite before inviting yourself but maybe STs DH did the inviting without clearing with his wife.

Or maybe MIL claims that DH did the inviting. Mine pulled that with me. She told me DH invited her back to the houe. I was NOT happy. DH then asked me, "Why didn't you tell me they were coming? I had stuff out I didn't want them to see." Ummmm, You Mother said YOU invited her! Ugh! She hasn't pulled anything like that since... Oh, and GMIL was there too and she took pictures of my Messy House for a scrapbook she was making me. Really? Thanks, I really want to remember how messy my house was when we moved in.  :-\

I took it as DH had a conversation with MIL.  Giving ST's past history with her MIL, I could see where MIL was talking to DH and not her.  So I guess that just opens up another can of worms and goes back to if DH invited MIL, then it's back to ST and DH needing to work things out.  We will have to wait on ST to tell us if DH invited her or MIL invited herself.  If MIL invited herself, then shame on her and I'm with your SM about this Pam.  If DH invited her?  Not even going there.....

I think stepmom was most confused that MIL hadn't even called ST to talk out the plans, even if DH had done the inviting or not.  And that made sense to me after she said it, most visitors to our house always call me at some point to ask what can they bring etc.

The more I think about it the more that would be the sticking point for me personally, it seems like secrecy almost lol.  Make plans in private, leave it open ended etc.  Why not just be upfront with ST and get her input?  I know my MIL loves to do this type of triangulated communication b/c she can weasel more of her wants out of it and it leaves DH and I both confused.

It took us a long time to figure out that game.

I think it has to do with how the relationship has been going.  If my OS called today and asked me and DH to dinner with him and DIL, I would go.  I wouldn't call her because she's not spoken to me in a year and a half.  I would think that if he called and invited, that he had already discussed it with her.

A new baby and a C-section are double the stress, it translates to a new baby and recovery from a major operation.  I wouldn't want to spend a lot of time around people who weren't my FOO if I were in that place. 

The husband should be coordinating with his parents so that everything runs smoothly and his parents don't overstay their welcome. 

Yeah but dinner isn't an overnight visit.  Knowing you Pooh I would think you would be an excellent house guest and would probably want to make sure DIL is comfortable with baby and what you could do etc. 

I think if they are close enough to be spending the night, invited or not, they should be close enough to approach the woman of the house to assess her needs.  The fact that they haven't would make me uncomfortable.

So does this mean that if a son were to call and invite you to stay at a certain time you should put  him on hold while you chase down his wife because he is only secondary in his own house?  It would be a natural assumption that a husband has spoke to his wife and that he is also speaking on behalf of his wife if an invitation was forthcoming.

Nah, but most likely they call the woman of the house later as the visit is approaching to see if they can bring anything or what have you.  I don't think the accept of the invite is contingent on talking to both spouses.

It is surprising to me anyway that this MIL would feel comfortable in staying at STs house, let alone leaving it open ended...without even talking to the patient.  That says a lot to me about this particular IL dynamic.

The more I read the OP the more it sounds like communication is not a strong suit in their relationship.  Not between themselves or their extended family, with the exception of her parents.  It sounds like they are all lacking in the ability to talk things over to see what works the best for each other.


"Without even talking to the patient" ?   Do you mean her dil?

yep, she's going to be a medical patient at that time with a c-section lol. 

You're probably right Laurie.  I definitely don't think this is a bad ILs issue or anything.  My only point is that when a baby comes is not the time for those shenanigans.  The way I feel about it is if they want a better relationship with me, to stay in my home or to see our child, we all might to work on that before the time comes. 

Actually I went back and read and it seems as if STs MIL informed DH that she would be driving out in 3 weeks.  It doesn't sound like an invitation was even discussed between husband and wife.  Yikes

I see what you're saying Laurie, communication sounds murky.  However, if this was truly the case of MIL inviting herself....wow is all I have to say lol.

I'm not going to assume that the mil invited herself since the dh talked to his wife about it.  And would it be a self invite if a grandparent said something along the lines of can we come after she is feeling better and her parents have had their visit?  Three weeks is quite a bit of recovery time from a C-section, it's not like she is going to be in patient mode.  To be honest I never thought of myself as being in patient mode after the birth of my children, I think that is why that term struck me as being odd.

"However, if this was truly the case of MIL inviting herself....wow is all I have to say lol."

Maybe I'm missing something here and maybe I'm the only one viewing the situation this way.. but I got the distinct feeling that this was more of an issue with the OP simply not wanting her in-laws there regardless.  Baby or no baby, I don't think she wants her MIL involved in their lives.

This reminds me of the time I asked a MIL who had NOTHING nice to say about her dil.. I asked.. can you name 5 things that are good about your dil... she named 3 and one of them is that the girl liked purple.  This just strikes me as being the same.. I have not read a single positive thing about this woman so it's hard to me to weigh what the op is saying since I feel that we are expected to first dislike the mil before our opinion is given.

I remember that time Laurie and I agree with you. 

I took it as ST was in countdown to birth and didn't have a whole lot of time for background. 

I guess we will have to just sit quietly in our waiting room until she's ready to talk lol.

Quote from: Laurie on May 23, 2011, 02:13:15 PM
So does this mean that if a son were to call and invite you to stay at a certain time you should put  him on hold while you chase down his wife because he is only secondary in his own house?  It would be a natural assumption that a husband has spoke to his wife and that he is also speaking on behalf of his wife if an invitation was forthcoming.

Hmmm, sometimes it seems like it would be nice to live in that magical world where everyone thinks about others first. Then when son calls to invite DM for a 3 week visit right after baby is born, DM can say "Really? Is DIL okay with that? She will probably be super stressed just after the baby is born. Are you sure we shouldn't wait a little while?" But then again, DIL would have no problems with such a polite and caring MIL :-)

Plain and simple you need serveral things when people come to visit.  A.  Both DH and DW need to agree its ok for the person to stay.  I always ask my DH before I invite someone to stay.  If he says no then thats final.  If I say no its final too.  B.  There has to be an amount of time the person can stay.  Again you have to both agree if you can't then the one with the shorter time wins.  Why because of A.  Its both people's homes and they both have to agree or the person can't stay there. 

I think the problem here is she is she is bitter about the time the first DC was born.  If she was not helpful the first time I hardly doubt she will be helpful this time. 

Sorry not sure who the poster was but I read on here someone said along the lines.  "MIL can hold the baby so DIL can take a nap the dishes in the sink can wait."  Sure and the MIL could also do the dishes so the DIL could have bonding time with DD or DS.  I know for me I was bfing so it wasn't baby holding  I needed cleaning would have been more helpful it someone was to stay with me.

I have a DH who is paralized my parents came over a handful of times but I did it all on my own and i wanted too.  I would never want guest in my home except for short visits it was exhusting having so many people around. 

That's how I felt too SassyDI.  The guests were more exhausting than taking care of baby.  I think when that happens you know something is wrong.

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 23, 2011, 03:32:16 PM

Then when son calls to invite DM for a 3 week visit right after baby is born, DM can say "Really? Is DIL okay with that?

I could have missed something but I thought the op stated that the mil was coming 3 weeks after the baby was born.. that would be 48 hours after her parents left..so her foo would be the ones staying for 3 weeks not the mil, if they are arriving right after the birth.  I didn't catch where mil said she was saying for 3 weeks.. she was actually being considerate by waiting 3 weeks before visiting.. allowing her dil to recoup and the foo to flee.

So the OP states that 3 weeks after her baby is born is now in a vulnerable state and can't deal with this mil unless she knows the exact date that she is leaving.. yet her dh is just to smile while her parents are there for 3 weeks because they cook.. Am I reading the time table incorrectly?

Quote from: pam1 on May 23, 2011, 04:01:48 PM
That's how I felt too SassyDI.  The guests were more exhausting than taking care of baby.  I think when that happens you know something is wrong.

Yes they take up space in the house, add to the noise volume in the home and they add to the work that needs to be done around the home.  You can't get truely comfortable and relax because you have to make sure your guest is happy.  Sorry that for me with a new baby while recovering not so much fun.  It take a woman who gave birth vaginally 6 weeks I can imagine it takes a woman with a c-section that much time as well to truely recover.  And I would not want guest during that time.

but she has already had guest for 3 weeks in the form of her parents.. so what from week 4 to 6 months she is no longer up to guest.. or is she only not up to 'those' guest

Quote from: Laurie on May 23, 2011, 04:08:21 PM
but she has already had guest for 3 weeks in the form of her parents.. so what from week 4 to 6 months she is no longer up to guest.. or is she only not up to 'those' guest

If she is not up for "those guest" then plain and simple she is not up for "those guest."  If I lived out of state my DH knows that FIL and his wife are not welcome to stay at our place.  I lived with them and will never share a roof ever again no matter how helpful they are.  It was not a comfortable enviroment and I won't put myself in that place again.

There's a big difference between guests who are there to help with cooking and cleaning and laundry (because after a c-section, standing and lifting are problematic for several weeks, and if she's home by herself while her DH is at work all day she's going to need help getting around and taking care of the baby)  and guests who expect her to wait on them and entertain them.  There's also a big difference between supportive, kind guests and people with whom you have a less than trusting relationship.  Laurie, it may not be "fair", but his parents are - not- equal to hers as houseguests by those criteria.   

Laurie, that was 5 pages ago! I lost track! LOL I do think it is the not up to "those" guests and well,it is just Rude! I don't understand how DIL's allow their mom to be the "favorite G-ma" and exclude the MIL. She is a Gma too. She should be allowed to see her GC.... I mean, I wouldn't let either side stay for that time, but if I let one, I'd have t let the other.

so it's back to, "it's her house, her baby" and her dh counts for nothing.  I don't see where she says that her inlaws do jack and make her do it all... all I saw was they ate some food and then left them on their own once they were gone.. now I think what she is saying is that she expects people to stock her freezer with meals and do major chores around her house that they haven't gotten to.  I still say there is no balance in her descriptions so I can't make the mil to be the monster that she is growing into here on these boards.

And yes it was 5 pages ago where she made that statement in her original post.. I keep going back to her words not the assumptions that are made here.

Quote from: stilltrying2010 on May 22, 2011, 09:26:52 AM
When DD was born all MIL never did anything – just added to tension/stress of 1st time parent & made statements like "I've never seen a bellybutton that looked like that, she looks just like my grandson (about 1,000,000 times), aren't you ever going to put that baby down, you sure kiss her a lot etc.  My parents came for 5 days while they stayed 3 wks.  While my parents were here they made multiple meals to refrigerate/freeze.  My ILs never cooked anything – only ate the stuff MY family had made until they left (thereby leaving us on our own when they did leave). 

Laurie right here is where she states her Ils are not helpful.  Sounds to me like a lot of stress and not helpful at all.  I would not want these people in my house thats for sure.  And it would not matter if they were DH's parents or mine.  Flat out when you stay in a house with a new baby you help out if you can't then you get out.

Also in her 2nd response she talks about how one time they stayed at her house for 3 weeks I think thats where the other poster got it from.

they commented on the babies bellybutton.. they commented on laying the baby down.. ok all of us who have heard someones input about how long to hold a baby please raise your hand... and it said that they ate some  of the food that was prepared and in the freezer.. I'm assuming ASSUMING that she and dh probably ate these meals as well.. The only thing I see is they did not restock their freezer and as it was put "only ate the stuff MY family had made until they left (thereby leaving us on our own when they did leave)"

So I guess your whole existence is based on how well you restock a freezer.. I'll be sure to remember that.. eat nothing that HER family makes and do not leave them on their own after I leave.  Good advice I'd hate for my dil to refuse to allow us to be a part of my son's life because I ate what her mother made.. I surely will not make that mistake.

See it how you wish.. and I will too.. but I see that in this persons mind there is not a single good thing about her husbands parents.. yet it's obvious that dh wants to see his parents and share his life with them.. but you know the saying... Her House, Her Child.... I couldn't disagree more.

Quote from: Laurie on May 23, 2011, 05:27:24 PM
they commented on the babies bellybutton.. they commented on laying the baby down.. ok all of us who have heard someones input about how long to hold a baby please raise your hand... and it said that they ate some  of the food that was prepared and in the freezer.. I'm assuming ASSUMING that she and dh probably ate these meals as well.. The only thing I see is they did not restock their freezer and as it was put "only ate the stuff MY family had made until they left (thereby leaving us on our own when they did leave)"

So I guess your whole existence is based on how well you restock a freezer.. I'll be sure to remember that.. eat nothing that HER family makes and do not leave them on their own after I leave.  Good advice I'd hate for my dil to refuse to allow us to be a part of my son's life because I ate what her mother made.. I surely will not make that mistake.

See it how you wish.. and I will too.. but I see that in this persons mind there is not a single good thing about her husbands parents.. yet it's obvious that dh wants to see his parents and share his life with them.. but you know the saying... Her House, Her Child.... I couldn't disagree more.

When a new mom is being gripped at or told she is holding a baby to long or this its very uncomfortable.  Futher no they shouldn't have been eating the food that her parents made.  Not because they are not good enough to eat it but because they should have left those in the freezer so when they left their DS and DIL didn't have to make food but eat that.  I think its just common sense.  Heck they should have made more and left some themselves for DIL and son to be nice.  Then I bet this wouldn't be an issure

My grandmother kept telling me when DD was a newborn that I should tape a quarter to her bellybutton, she had an outtie.  And if I didn't one day DD would be upset with me.  I couldn't imagine taping something to my little itty bitty baby and wanted the crabby lady to go away.

4 years later DD came home from preschool upset that her bellybutton is sticking out.  Apparently it was examine your bellybutton day at school and she was the only one with an outtie. 

To this day she's still talking about her bellybutton.  Maybe I should have listened to crabby lady.

Anyway, I don't think there is a problem with seeing the ILs but with the open timeframe and staying in their home. 

Quote from: pam1 on May 23, 2011, 05:38:23 PM
My grandmother kept telling me when DD was a newborn that I should tape a quarter to her bellybutton, she had an outtie.  And if I didn't one day DD would be upset with me.  I couldn't imagine taping something to my little itty bitty baby and wanted the crabby lady to go away.

4 years later DD came home from preschool upset that her bellybutton is sticking out.  Apparently it was examine your bellybutton day at school and she was the only one with an outtie. 

To this day she's still talking about her bellybutton.  Maybe I should have listened to crabby lady.

Anyway, I don't think there is a problem with seeing the ILs but with the open timeframe and staying in their home.

My DD has an outie too she cracks me up with that bellybutton i love it. 

Isn't it cute?  I loved putting her in those little two piece swimming suits when she was a toddler lol.  Now I try to tell her that her bellybutton is proof she's special, I don't think she's buying it.

I have read this thread off and on, and if I'm reading correctly- your MIL told your DH she's staying with you for 3 weeks?  As in did not ask, did not answer DH's invite, but just informed him?  The only person I'd have a bone to pick with would be my DH for not putting that to a halt as soon as it came up. But I cannot see that ever happening because we communicate that kind of thing before committing to ANYONE, even if they try to invite themselves.  I couldn't be mad at my MIL for my DH not speaking up.

Quote from: pam1 on May 23, 2011, 05:43:24 PM
Isn't it cute?  I loved putting her in those little two piece swimming suits when she was a toddler lol.  Now I try to tell her that her bellybutton is proof she's special, I don't think she's buying it.

Oh me too she is three so she does't really care about it right now.  I sure hope she doesn't feel sad about it when she gets older.  I always kiss it telling her its special because it was how she was connect to mommy.

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on May 23, 2011, 05:44:04 PM
I have read this thread off and on, and if I'm reading correctly- your MIL told your DH she's staying with you for 3 weeks?  As in did not ask, did not answer DH's invite, but just informed him?  The only person I'd have a bone to pick with would be my DH for not putting that to a halt as soon as it came up. But I cannot see that ever happening because we communicate that kind of thing before committing to ANYONE, even if they try to invite themselves.  I couldn't be mad at my MIL for my DH not speaking up.

No there last visit was 3 weeks at her house.  This visit doesn't have an end date.  Meaning it could be 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 week visit who knows. 

Okay I got it now.  Visiting IN 3 weeks.  Well, I think I still feel the same way.  There's no way my DH would not have said, "well I'm glad you are excited, but I'm going to have to make sure that date works for us and if so, how long we can accomodate you.  I will let you know." I still think this is on him. If he doesn't set the expectation for MIL, she has no way of knowing she's bothering anyone.

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on May 23, 2011, 05:44:04 PM
I have read this thread off and on, and if I'm reading correctly- your MIL told your DH she's staying with you for 3 weeks?  As in did not ask, did not answer DH's invite, but just informed him?  The only person I'd have a bone to pick with would be my DH for not putting that to a halt as soon as it came up. But I cannot see that ever happening because we communicate that kind of thing before committing to ANYONE, even if they try to invite themselves.  I couldn't be mad at my MIL for my DH not speaking up.

They are waiting three weeks after the baby is born so her parents have ample time with the new baby, the pre-existing child and the husband.... the In-laws are scheduled to show up 2 days after her foo leaves.  ST was upset because she wanted a hard cold date that they would be exiting so she could count down till blastoff.  I seriously doubt that the in-laws will want to stay in a hostile home where it's clear that they are not welcomed to terribly long.  It sounds like they want to meet the new baby, spend some time with their son, oh who happens to be the new father.. and then eat everything in their freezer before leaving.

And with the lack of communication that is going on in this family by all members, the son could have said hey let's eat this stuff and get it out of the freezer... once again I'm not willing to make them the ultimate horrible in-laws.

It's on both of them.. they are husband and wife and if they can't communicate efficiently they have no one else to blame about lack of communication

LOL, Laurie I have to agree with you...I feel like her main problem is her DH.  Like I said before, if he doesn't set an expectation, how is MIL supposed to know what is okay with them?

And yes, people pick up on tension when you don't want them there.  I am sure they will pick up on it rather quickly. I sure wouldn't want to stay around that long.

Quote from: Laurie on May 23, 2011, 05:53:30 PM
It's on both of them.. they are husband and wife and if they can't communicate efficiently they have no one else to blame about lack of communication

She said when she tried to talk to him about things he said he didn't want to talk about it.  So clearly thats not her fault.  My DH does this to me all the time.  Puts up road blocks or his favorite I don't know phrase.  Well thats now on him not me.  If she is trying and he won't listen then its on him.  Futher I would never agree to my parents staying in the house unless DH agreed.  Its not like any of us are saying she shouldn't ask her dh about her parents.  He incourged their visit.

Well I dunno about your house, but "I don't know" wouldn't fly in my house.  So if my DH wanted to play that (thank God he doesn't), it would still be up to me to weed through the mess and be as direct as possible to get a direct answer from him.

Or if he said "I don't know," I say, "well can you find out by tomorrow?" Okay.  So he does. But if he says "I don't know." And you don't "force" (I'm using that lightly for lack of a better word) him to communicate with you, you say "okay.." Then silently stew about it.  There's always something more pointed you could ask to steer him to answer what you are asking.

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on May 23, 2011, 05:58:15 PM
Well I dunno about your house, but "I don't know" wouldn't fly in my house.  So if my DH wanted to play that (thank God he doesn't), it would still be up to me to weed through the mess and be as direct as possible to get a direct answer from him.

He says that when he is losing an argument or just plain doesn't want to admitt something his family did was wrong.  Its highly annoying and wins him nothing.

But I don't see that connecting with communicating about upcoming plans?

My daughter had a C-section last year...my dil had a normal birth but needed stitches 4 years ago.
My dauther was in better shape and recovered quicker than my dil.

Both of them expected visits from not only from grandparents, but, brother, sisters, aunts, uncles, and friends. Neither one expected their Mothers or MIL's to cook or clean for them.

They let the love flow. They knew it would be only for a little while.

Everyone celebrates the joy of a new baby differently I guess.

Quote from: RedRose on May 23, 2011, 06:03:45 PM
My daughter had a C-section last year...my dil had a normal birth but needed stitches 4 years ago.
My dauther was in better shape and recovered quicker than my dil.

Both of them expected visits from not only from grandparents, but, brother, sisters, aunts, uncles, and friends. Neither one expected their Mothers or MIL's to cook or clean for them.

They let the love flow. They knew it would be only for a little while.

Everyone celebrates the joy of a new baby differently I guess.

Did you stay with your DD or anyone else stay with her or did you just visit.

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on May 23, 2011, 06:03:19 PM
But I don't see that connecting with communicating about upcoming plans?

I was more comparing how my hubby is just in general when he doesn't want to talk about something.  The OP said she was talking to her DH about her MIL and he said I don't want to talk right now about that.

Yes, I do think being a over-a-lot-of-nights houseguest is a game changer.  Much different stress level than people visiting for a few hours.

I did not stay with her because I work evenings....Her MIL and FIL live closer to her and they were there everyday for a while.

Quote from: RedRose on May 23, 2011, 06:10:52 PM
I did not stay with her because I work evenings....Her MIL and FIL live closer to her and they were there everyday for a while.

I don't get why people need to stay with the new parents really.  I mean I was a new mom with a husband in a wheelchair and I didn't have visitors everyday.  I had to do most of the work by myself and it took me longer to recover because well I was doing to much.  But I didn't want anyone over because I wanted time with my DD and DH and so did my DH.  He really didn't want anyone over.

Off topic but I remember when we first moved from our home to our condo my parents came over a lot more.  Before we lived 30 minutes away and now we were only like 5 miles from their home.  It was starting to drive my DH nuts me to a little.  DH flat out told me one day please tell your parents not to come over.  And I did I didn't use his name I just told them that tonight was a family night and my mom said ok.  Gasp I know its rarity right? lol

 I think all of us have put up with visitors (and speaking for myself, enjoyed)...it's just the ones that like to sleepover when new baby comes that some of us have a problem with. I think my aunt came to see the baby, my other aunt came to see the baby, my dad, my mom, my ILs, my g-ma, and two of my friends. I didn't turn anyone away, but I didn't expect them for long either. I think everyone came only once, except for Dad, he cheated and took my DH out for shuffleboard, so he got two visits in. This was probably for the first 6 weeks I guess...until we traveled with DD to see the ILs down in Virginia, then I decided I was ready for overnight guests after that.

When my children were born, I enjoyed having my parents (both sets) over, they were helpful and encouraging.  I had to stay in the hospital longer with my first and I knew that my dh was with someone that he's comfortable with.  My sister came with my mom and I had ample opportunities to rest while enjoying my family.  I actually had my mother-in-law over first because while it was nice to have some help, I wanted to make sure that my dh was comfortable with everything as well.. this was also his first baby and while things did not go as planned he also needed someone to bounce his feelings off of because frankly there was only so much I could emotionally handle at the time.

My mil said some silly things as did my mother.. some of the old tales they felt needed to be passed on.. the difference is I chose not to get huffy about any of it.. I chose not to hold my new born over anyone's head as shark bait and I certainly did not look at every movement as something negative being done as an attempt to irritate me.   I could have made myself miserable but I wasn't willing to destroy what were the best days of my life, my husband's life, and some of the proudest for our parents.

Our willingness to communicate made it all work beautifully.. my dh knew what I needed, and I had a handle on his needs as well.. our parents always were great about putting our needs first when appropriate.  I hope that ST and her dh will have a good talk.. and I hope that ST will keep in mind that at this time dh probably needs or wants his parents a active part of his life the same as she wants hers.  Unless she can begin to find an ounce of goodness in this woman I don't see the circumstances changing much because I feel it's obvious that ST just doesn't like the woman or wants her around, no matter how her dh feels.

OW did you get my email?

I did, thank you so much! Trying to resist the urge to start planning our next dive trip already...LOL.  Loved the picture!!!

I accidentally wrote that here on ST's topic.. meant to put it on the wedding topic

I hope that ST is recovering nicely now with a new little bundle of happiness!

When she comes back for a visit, I hope she remembers this post.

I can totally see where she's coming from because with my IL's, it seems that I can handle them fine, as long as I know how long I have to spend with them.  And yes, it's a huge chore for me to spend time with them, it's not fun, it's not even comfortable, it's HARD.  I can't imagine how hard it would be with a newborn, a healing incision AND an older child.

I also have to object to the idea that "fair" means "equal".   It's fair for ST's parents to visit longer, because they're enjoyable guests.  It's fair for ST to be happier to see them, because they've given an "end date" to their visit, which is obviously important to ST.  And ST's parents haven't caused strife between ST and her DH.  So yeah, it's not equal, but it's FAIR.

I tend to think the word fair has a self-serving bias everytime someone uses it. It all depends on your perspective.

I think someone said up thread that helping means holding the baby and letting the new mom nap. Not to me. I didn't sleep for a week b/c all I could do was stare at my baby. I had more energy that week than I do at this very moment in my right pinkie. That wouldn't be helpful to me at all, and I still resent it when MIL suggested that to me.  Help? How about helping me put the 20 lb leaf in the table since you showed up at lunchtime and said you were hungry...and I've been home from the hospital for an hour?

I think my point about equal time was this: no doubt ST's MIL sees the amount of time ST's parents are getting and thinks that she is absolutely entitled to that. She probably doesn't recognize she doesn't help. My MIL is quite adept at creating complete messes as she's going along helping...but calls herself "The Helper." She likely wouldn't consider it fair, no matter how many times I explained whatever reasoning I have, that my parents were getting more time than her with DS and GD b/c they help. She's terrible at helping, but if I explained that to her, I think I would sleep with the fishes afterwards. More than likely ST's ILs aren't really aware of what they do. Perhaps more communication would allow for improvement there. Heck, even my MIL has finally stopped asking us to buy gifts for all 47 of her family members. I can't tell you how much communication that took, lol.

I think you are mistaken Scoop.. ST said that her parents came for a week and ended up staying for three weeks. There was not a required exit strategy for her parents as she is requiring for his.

No one even suggested that parents be treated solely on equal terms..  but I do think that a husband should not be made to feel that his parents are not equally important to him as a wife's are to her.   

Oh, I'll fess up. I suggested it. For me, I'm well aware of the scoreboard MIL keeps. Even on Skype yesterday, she was like, "SO....what relatives did we see this morning?" Um...well...the Sears guy?

Since I'm an equal opportunist about houseguests, I wouldn't expect my mom to stay for weeks on end either, and she would be good at helping. So...given that, I don't feel too guilty when MIL suggests coming up here for 14 days and I say "No. Make it a week." I don't have a guilty conscience about that. I think if I was letting my mom stay for a few weeks,  I might feel obligated to allow lengthy stays from my ILs.

Everyone has different relationships.  The thing with MIL here is that she is staying at the house while her son is working.  I think ST naturally gets more a say due to that.  If the situation was reversed and DH was in the house with MIL/FIL, he would get more of a say IMO.

The extended family relationships are never going to be equal, trying to make it that way would make everyone go crazy.  I'm not going to limit my time with my FOO just b/c my MIL can't behave in a similar situation.  Sure it's not fair but I'm ok with that.  More importantly the other adult in my house is ok with that too.

And that's where the problem is.

Parents should have grandparent score boards in their house. 

Thats going to be my ticket to being a millionar.  I will make Grandparent score boards.

Or, a dart board with a picture of the other grandparents face on it

Quote from: pam1 on May 23, 2011, 07:22:58 PM
Or, a dart board with a picture of the other grandparents face on it

Ohhh now that would be fun

Quote from: pam1 on May 23, 2011, 07:19:36 PM
Everyone has different relationships.  The thing with MIL here is that she is staying at the house while her son is working.  I think ST naturally gets more a say due to that.  If the situation was reversed and DH was in the house with MIL/FIL, he would get more of a say IMO.

The extended family relationships are never going to be equal, trying to make it that way would make everyone go crazy.  I'm not going to limit my time with my FOO just b/c my MIL can't behave in a similar situation.  Sure it's not fair but I'm ok with that.  More importantly the other adult in my house is ok with that too.

And that's where the problem is.

Most likely dh's time off comes right at the birth of the baby.. remember we are talking 3 weeks after the birth.. so with that way of thinking should the mil come first so the dh can be there fulltime? Or just wait a year till he has more time off in the future?

Maybe its sounds mean but its not about the man its what the woman wants.  It can become what a man wants when he can push a baby out.

now I've heard it all

When my DH was on bed rest from pressure sores due to his injury he had his vistors who he wanted.  At that point it was about him and not me. 

Wow.  What a rigid, depressing conversation.  Does my DIL think this way also?

On a lighter note.  Laurie, I think I can figure out the ROFL and MSO, but those letters in the middle? 

I think it's getting a little mean in here. First the scorecards and now the dartboards. If an MIL had suggested such a thing for DILs she'd be booted off the site. If it was all a joke, sorry for my crankiness...I guess I'm not seeing the humor in any of it.

I think we've pretty much beaten this conversation into the ground.  We've got some differing opinions, and I think all useful discussion has already been had. 

Okay, I think this topic was sufficiently exhausted at dart boards. I don't see much reason for it.

I also don't think birth as the ultimate trump card is useful in any case.

I don't mind keeping the topic open for well wishes to ST (I do think she had a baby today), but I will lock it if we keep rehashing the visitors thing. I think we're at an empasse.

Quote from: Pen on May 23, 2011, 07:49:57 PM
I think it's getting a little mean in here. First the scorecards and now the dartboards. If an MIL had suggested such a thing for DILs she'd be booted off the site. If it was all a joke, sorry for my crankiness...I guess I'm not seeing the humor in any of it.

My joke about the score board comes from it has to be equal.  When Gparents are asking the parent or child how much one parent has seen the child verse them that is just craziness to me.  So if they ask maybe the parents need to have something to tally up to make sure its even. 

Okay, I'm locking the topic now. I will start a new topic for ST.