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I think the 2 week visit sounds reasonable. But, stacy17, I worry about that weekend sleepover once a month too, if she does decide to move to the USA. In my opinion that sounds like too much.

Here is a DIL's insight...
My DH and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and we have our own traditions. My MIL usually travels for the holidays and has since she was widowed 12 years ago. She would leave her DS (my DH) at home alone and go visit her other kids out of state, so my DH would spend the holidays with his aunt and uncle. So we usually don't spend holidays with her. When she is home we sometimes have dessert at her house.

I grew up in a big family and all of my siblings live withing 30 min of my parents. We have so many traditions that I love, that instead of constantly taking my DH to my FOO's house, we carry on the traditions ourselves (and my DH has some traditions we incorporate as well and we've come up with new ones together). We don't have any kids, so it's just the two of us, and we have a blast! Every other year we eat by ourselves and the next yr with my FOO, then dessert at my MIL's when she's home (and if she's been good), if she isn't home then we go out to eat when she gets home. My DH and I also spend Christmas Eve together & Christmas morning together doing our own traditions, then at 4:00 pm we head over to my FOO's for the big family gift exchange, then dessert with my MIL if she's home and if she has been good or we out to eat later.

I strongly suggest you start your own traditions to help the two of you grow together, then if kids come along those traditions are already set and there isn't as much stress and hurt feelings in the future. Good luck!

Sounds as though your mother is competing for your attention...OR...if you are an only child or the last child to leave home then your DM might be experiencing empty-nest syndrome...either way she needs to pick up some hobbies. Your DH should always come first, just as you would expect him to put you first!
Also, the advice above is correct - a new family unit needs to adjust and live in it's own bubble for a while. Start creating your own traditions and focus on yourselves for the time being. You don't need to ignore your DM, but don't be at her beck and call. Accept what you can handle and ignore the rest.

@Shelby -  I'm sure there is some miscommunication somewhere.
You said:
"yes DS did acknowledge GM passing.  When we were with GF, DS called DH's cell # so he could speak with him (no phone in nursing home room).  Plus DS was very good about visiting GF before he moved across the country."

I'm sure this message was from the both of them, as I'm positive that your DIL is uncomfortable around your family, hence her "chilly-ness" so I'm betting 99% of the communication is through your DS.

When my grandpa passed away my MIL showed up to the viewing and I was furious. She had only met him once and she and I both knew/know we don't like each other. How could she spend the last 1 1/2 years talking crap about me to my own DH(her DS) and then show up to support me at my grandpa's funeral?? That's not gonna fly. I personally think she showed up to display to everyone else what a caring MIL she is, which just showed me how low she'll stoop. It was definitely awkward and we both knew it, which is why I'm sure she didn't show up to my grandma's viewing 6 weeks later. She had no business being there. She didn't know him at all & she was not related to him.

I'm sure she is giving her DH comfort and empathy which is why he doesn't have a problem with her behavior. She's giving her DH support and that's all that should matter. She's showing her respects by helping her DH grieve. I'm also sure that through your DIL's eyes there will be no elephant in the room. This is something that you are going to have to work through yourself. You are letting your DIL consume your thoughts and she doesn't even know it.

Hi Peggy! Wow! Your situation is crazy! My first thought in reading your post is, don't stop the gift flow...hear me out. You have confronted her in the past and she hasn't stopped so it sounds to me like she is doing this to prove a point or most likely, to be obnoxious. If I were you, I'd be making a couple bucks off her "gifts." Do you have a local online classifieds site for your area? Like Craigslist? They are free. Sign up and start listing the items and start making some money and then with that money go buy what you want for your house    Don't bother displaying her gift for any amount of time, that only feeds into her gifting obsession. This way it's an win, win , win situation. Your MIL gets to give her gift, your DH gets to accept the gift, and you get to buy what you really want from the money you make from selling the gift.

Begonia I'm sorry you've been hurt recently. Healing does take a long time, especially when things happen during the healing process that ends up putting salt in the wound, I'm currently healing too. To answer your question, as sad as it is to admit, I go out to eat out of duty. I want my DH to have a relationship with his DM because I love him and he wants me to join him for dinner. The dinners aren't to help the situation between my MIL and me, just between her and her son. My DH loves his mother and wants to see her, but wants me there by his side because she's nicer when I'm there. My DH goes out to eat with her out of love, she is, after all, his mom. I go to support my DH because I love him.
You brought up an interesting point. My DH and I have found our limits in seeing my MIL (my DH sees her twice a month, I see her once a month). Any more then that and all relationships struggle again. What else are we to do when we've reached our limits and she invites us over? Tell her the truth...that we have reached our monthly limit of tolerating her company? Ignore her calls & emails? I think the little white lies are a better tactic, and so does my counselor. When asked how we could maintain the relationships we have with my MIL and not upset her or hurt her feelings when we can't take anymore, the counselor's answer was, "Lie to her." You have recognized that people tell those little lies to avoid hurting someone more and you've stepped back to protect yourself from that. Kudos. I'm protecting myself from the H-E-double hockey sticks my MIL would give me & my DH if we told her the truth. If there is a better way, please, I'm more than happy to listen to it.

Haha, Scoop...the trouble is with my MIL we have tried the "we'll see" or "maybe" tactic and she always takes it as a yes, just like with the dinners: Here's a play by play...
MIL: "So do you think we could make going out to eat a monthly thing?"
DH: "We don't want to make any commitments at the moment, we'll see how things go next month and let you know if we can or not."
Out to eat gets skipped due to her traveling and our work
MIL: "Whatever happened to us going out to eat every month?"

I'm definitely going to write down your strategies though! Thank you SO much!

My DH and I have had SO many talks over how to approach his mom. The truth is my DH doesn't really know how to handle his mother. While he lived at home he just did everything to avoid conflict and he would bottle up his anger and then they'd explode & have huge yelling fights on a regular basis. I've asked him not to yell at his mother so he's not sure what to do now. Our counseling sessions have helped a ton and I'm sure my DH will go back a few more times to learn more coping techniques.

Hee hee herbalescapes, thanks for the laugh. I could just see my MIL having a hay day with that! That would be the confession she's been wanting all this time and then she'd be on the phone for the next month to everyone she knows telling them that she was right about me ALL along, haha. I've joked about this too with my DH so many times. My MIL has told my DH a couple of times that I'm controlling, one time she said to him "I'm sure that since Rejected doesn't like ice cream it's not allowed in your house." So when my DH and I are sitting at home together playing games or something and he gets up to get a bowl of ice cream(gasp! yes I keep some in the house for my DH) I always joke and say something like "Where did that ice cream come from? That's not allowed in my house." with a stern look on my face. But in reality I would not have the guts to do that to my MIL. I can daydream about it though and get a good laugh. 

One more question...
Would it be rude if we suggest we go dutch from now on? She has paid all but one time. When we try to pay she gets offended because she wants to treat us as a way of saying thank you, I guess, but she's also the type to order salads because they're cheaper (and it's rude to me to order something more expensive than what the person whose paying ordered) and everyone must drink water.

Thanks Pooh & Pen! We're definitely a lot happier in our marriage too because there is a lot less stress when everyone is satisfied! I have less drama to deal with, MIL gets to see her DS, my DH gets to see his mom, and all the siblings are getting along better. Yay!!

@Pen - I totally understand what you are saying about the inheritance thing. The only things my DH has inherited so far are the things that belonged to his late dad that was to be passed down at the dad's request, it's all my DH wants and he's got it. My DH and I have talked regarding the things belonging to my MIL and we want nothing. There isn't any sentimental attachments to anything she owns, it was all with his dad. But you are right! So many times people want and want, but aren't willing to kiss up or put forth the effort to earn it. You can't have your cake and eat it too. 

Just wanted to let you ladies know how things have been going lately. If you don't really remember my story, I'm the one that was trying out the taking my toxic MIL out to dinner once a month. Here is my original post if you want to read it:
http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,1412.0.html

We successfully took her out to eat 2 months in a row and then she traveled around a bit to visit her other kids and the times she was home didn't work with our schedules so we went 2 months without going out to eat. We never committed to going out to eat every month, we'd just tell her "we'll see how things play out next month and let you know." Well, after 2 months in a row that was commitment enough for her because the next two months when she was busy traveling and we were busy with work and other commitments and we didn't go out to eat she threw a fit and said "What ever happened to us going out to eat every month." Ugh!

My DH and I ended up seeing a counselor a few times to help us understand a bit more and to cope a little better with my MIL. We have agreed to continue to take her out once a month (if it works with our schedules) and my DH is going to go to her house once a month to either visit or help her with something. So he'll see her twice a month and I'll see her once a month. This has gone on for 2 months and so far it has worked out well.

This month my DH went to her house 3 times and it was a little too much for him. So he'll stick with 1-2 times a month and just going out to eat. This month she also thanked him for making an effort and for trying and that she has noticed and the relationship with his siblings has improved as well.

Okay now for the advice part...

A few years back one of our nieces celebrated a big moment in her. The ceremony only lasted 30 min. and they live 12 hours away. My DH and I decided not to go because of the traveling & taking off work. Everyone else in the family went and to this day we still hear about it and get grief for not going. Well, another nephew has reached the age to celebrate a big moment in his life. The ceremony again will only last about 30 min. and they also live 12 hours away in another direction. We are happy for him but we just don't think it's worth it to travel and take work off for an event that will only last 30 min. I know we are going to get the same grief & guilt as we did before. This type of ceremony can't be recorded either.
We just get very frustrated because 4 of my DH's siblings live out of state but whenever anything like this happens or family vacations, or holidays they ALL travel like its no big deal. My DH and I absolutely hate traveling plus we can't afford it, but that doesn't stop the comments and bullying.
They all went on a vacation across the country last month and my DH and I didn't want to pay to spend time with my DH's 4 moms and 2 dads (his mom, 3 sisters, and 2 brothers). After telling them all that we wouldn't be going we got bombarded with emails and phone calls. I finally sent an email saying this is a decision that we made together and we ask that they respect our decision and we hope they all have a great time and take lots of pics to share with us...we still got bullied by a few people.
What do we do? How do we handle ourselves in these situations? When we do go it's awkward and unpleasant and when we don't go we get bullied and looked down on. Help please!

Most DIL's delete IL's from FB because of the spying, gossiping, and taking every post/status update personally. Not to 'stick it' to their IL's. . . just to further protect themselves so that they can freely express something without getting into trouble. For example, I posted as my status "I'm so excited for this weekend" and got into trouble with my IL's. I didn't know my MIL was leaving town for the weekend, but my MIL took it as an insult and thought I posted that because I was happy she was leaving, when in reality my DH had work off and we were planning on going to an amusement park. I also got yelled at by my MIL for a quote I had on my info page that I added 8 years ago, when I was still married to my 1st DH.

However, there are some DIL's out there that will un-friend just to be outright mean. But from what I've read most un-friend for the same reason I did.

Quote from: tryingmybest on September 01, 2011, 05:11:54 AM
Oh no is it this time of year again? I'd like to just skip the whole thing.

I dread Thanksgiving, Christmas, & New Years too. This is precisely why my favorite holiday is Halloween! Each family stays home to dish out candy (except when they bring their kids to my house to get candy, but it's a short visit with no drama) I love seeing the little costumes (so cute), I love the eerie decorations (my house is always decked out), I love all the left over candy. I fix a Halloweenish dinner for my DH and I and then we cuddle on the couch and watch a scary movie! Halloween has been my favorite holiday since I was a kid and oddly enough my IL's think it's the devil's holiday so they just hand out candy and that it all the celebrating they do.

Pooh, I'm afraid you've misunderstood me. FOO relationships have nothing to do with who does the laundry or washes the dishes in a marriage/relationship. My DH and I support each other 110% and we work together through everything. We both cook, do dishes, laundry, mow the lawn...etc even though that has nothing to do with this thread.

My DH knows and understands that I don't like his mother (he can barely tolerate her) so we have agreed as a couple that he is the one to do the communicating with her. It has nothing to do with diving out chores, he's protecting me from her.

In my house we have a big dry erase calendar. At the start of each month I write down all the birthdays on both sides, work schedules, events we're attending, even what is for dinner each night. My DH can look at that calendar as often as I can and know as much as I do, and what he chooses to do with that info is up to him.

Usually I am better with words. When I tried sugar coating this post I ended up confusing myself so it is a bit candid. Sorry if I offend. I'm just trying to help identify possible problems and give other perspectives.

Chrisky, it seems as though you aren't letting your DS fly away. To call multiple times and leaving messages each time all regarding the same thing is a little much. I know with my own MIL she'll send an email or leave a message and our schedules are so crazy that we take a few days to figure out a plan and then get back to her. Since your DS's work schedule has him leaving town often for days at a time, I'm sure it may take them some time to make plans and get back to you. And in regards to your DS's work schedule, unless you have plans with your DS, it is a little much to want to know his work schedule. And I don't know why this stuck out to me but why do you feel the need to give your DS a heads up to check his mailbox. Do you call often for things like this? To have him check his mailbox?

I'm sure if your DIL has called you uncaring and unloving, whether it's true or not, then she is uncomfortable communicating with you. If you feel that someone is uncaring and unloving are you going to want to answer their phone calls, call them back right away, make sure that they are in the loop of everything going on in your life and babysit your kids? 

I'm uncomfortable communicating with my MIL so in my marriage my DH is responsible for communicating with his FOO. How often/when he chooses to talk to them or see them is up to him. I do the communicating with my FOO which is a heck of a lot more often then my DH is with his FOO. If DH wants more time with his FOO it's up to him to plan it and he doesn't, but he's an adult and it shouldn't have to fall on my shoulders to keep his relationship with his FOO active. I refuse to nag my DH to call his mother if she has called and left a message. He can listen to his voicemail or the answering machine just like me, and he can pick up the phone and dial. I do, however, remind him of Birthdays and things of that nature but it's up to him to write in the card and send it off.

It sounds as though your DIL is just as confused as you are. If she says she wants things resolved then I'm sure a part of her really wants to have a good relationship with you. But then there are the little comments that slip (ie "'she'll actually answer us?'") that turns her away and she gets upset for a little while so she ignores you which confuses you and upsets you...and so on and so on.

After having many talks with my MIL, I've discovered that she is more open, up-front, and honest when she is talking to my DH about issues and I'm not there. Just a thought.

I don't have a whole lot of advice to offer you except to stop helping them financially. Maybe your DS's GF thinks you may hold it over their heads. I'm not saying you do at all because you sound like a sweet person that's only trying to help. But if your DS's GF was raised this way, having things held over her head(which is usual in abusive homes), then she's going to apply this lesson that she's learned to those that do lots of favors for them. Does that make sense? It's just an idea. I know you are only trying to help, but they chose to bring a family into this world and they need to support themselves, even if it means going without until they can manage their own finances. Now I'm not saying you can't spoil your GC   but stocking their cupboards with food and paying for them to move are big purchases.
I think your DS's GF needs some counseling because she sounds as though she has some childhood issues that need to be resolved, however, your DS or his GF need to recognize this themselves without a word from you. I would back away from the situation and focus on yourself for a while. Let your DS know that you are always there for him if he needs you, but that need to get back to living your own life, and then step back. Do something for yourself each day!

My take on the relationship between my MIL and me is that she has every right to behave the way she does, BUT I have the right not to accept her behavior if I feel that it is violating my rights, which 90% of the time it is. Therefore I avoid contact with her as much as possible. My DH has tested the waters on numerous occasions after some time has passed and she still disrespects us, and so the limited contact continues. She has every right to feel the way she does, act the way she does, and she doesn't have to change if she doesn't want to, but again I don't have to tolerate it. She cannot treat others the way she does AND expect people cater to her. She can't have her cake and eat it too. I'm not making my MIL jump through hoops, she's made her own bed and now she can lay in it. The ball is in my MIL's court. When she decides she can act like an adult herself and show respect to my DH and me as adults, respect our own family unit, and respect us as individuals then she can have a relationship with us.