March 29, 2024, 04:31:13 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Didi.lost

1
Don't be so hard on yourself..This is
Not nice behaviour towards parents.
This is about them not you..
Is there possibly a drinking problem here
With your daughters husband?
Could explain a lot
2
I am so happy for you FL
We wish you the BEST VISIT
3
I have to agree that its time she started taking care of her own life.  Your job is done in that respect.

How can they learn to live on their own if we are always taking care of them and giving them a roof over their head.
They dont.  Some need to learn the hard way.  Some just need something to be proud of that they did all on their own.
I know it can totally hurt watching them do these things that we don't agree with but we all learn in our own way
"don't we"

Abuse should not be tolerated EVER.....just because we are related doesn't give them permission to do so.
You haven't failed as a mother.  We all did the best we could.

I would take care of yourself and enjoy life for a change......
4
Welcome to our family Cynthia

Don't beat yourself up any more..I know it's hard to take but it will get easier as time passes and you get used
to the new normal.  Taking care of yourself now and just like everyone said.....you did your best as a mother and it
is his loss to be estranged from you.

I didn't think i could even survive this feeling of despair and self pity of not seeing my DD anymore.  But it's been 2 and half years since I've seen her and I'm ok.  DH and I work a lot and are trying to save for travelling soon I hope.
Can't wait.  Got something to look forward to.

I agree with everyone......be strong and be happy anyway.
5
I too got tired of the constant verbal abuse.....it was really affecting my health too.  And my DD is so stubborn, I knew she was never going to change her behaviour of such disrespect for her mother that I had to end communication with her for my own health and future. 

When I told her I would no longer tolerate her behaviour, she said "whatever"  So I knew she could care less at that point and that I would probably never hear from her again.  And I haven't. She was 39 yrs old then. You see she is the type of person that will never come forward first.....she would rather die than do the right thing. It's everyone else's fault. So very stubborn.

So it's been very hard to not have her in our lives anymore but we have gotten used to it and pray someday she will come to her senses and return.  But if not, I hope she has a happy life and we will do the same .... although things are different, we all survived and learn to live a new way.  No more stress and drama for us.  It's been nice.  I'm getting back to spending time with old friends and doing what I want to do.  She is free to do whatever she wants to do.  Her life, her consequences.  Because I believe that a child that has so much disrespect for a parent is not great company to be in and is more painful continuing in than the pain of stopping. 
We miss her but this is her choice and we accept that.
6
Yes Luise so true.... Guess i'm a slow one at getting to that better place I need to be.  I am learning and this site has been so wonderful for helping me see that I will get there eventually.. Thanks to you and your wonderful caring son

7
Love your positive post Happy Mom.....It is uplifting to hear....I have myself been having a very hard sad hurtful
mothers day...I don't know why.....This is the third mothers day that I have not heard from OD and it really cuts like a knife....I wish this feeling would just go away already...

I know I have to busy myself with something else and forget about this and move on.

I hope by next mothers day I can have your attitude and be happy with all the good in my life, my wonderful DH and DS and DIL who still love me and I'm very grateful for that.  I know I have to hold onto that tight. And I will.

I'm not defined by one person's view of me, I was a "good enough mother" and I can be happy and we all can have a good life.  It's up to us isn't it?
8
I too...... love your post Pen.  I have also come a very long way from the way i was feeling when I first came here 2 and half years ago already have gone by.

I don't think I could have kept my sanity without all of you giving me courage and strength to move on.  Mothers Day
was always especially hard but I am getting better and learning to cope.

Thank you all and enjoy your day.
9
Yes I usually hear from my son when he has news or needs to ask something but I am happy for whatever I get from him.  He is a very caring respectful son and he loves me and shows it.

But I have not heard a thing from my dd in almost a year now and I haven't physically seen her in over 2 years.

If you still have communication of any kind with him, you are doing better than a lot of us.

Hope this helps
10
Blue Eyes, I am also praying for you today to have the strength you need to continue your journey.  All the best to all of you and better days ahead.

(((Hugs)))
11
Hello BlueEyes and I am sorry you are going through this heartache.  Yes heartache from health problems and a ydd that sounds like a very similar dd to mine.  Jealous or selfish just thinking of herself and what she wants.  Its immature if you ask me and very hurtful to a mom going through so much.  See my DD couldn't accept me as I am either but I was supposed to accept her as hers no matter what.  I couldn't take the hurtful uncalled for nastyness anymore either.
Haven't seen her for 2 yrs and haven't spoken for 9 months.  She wishes I was dead so I have given her an early gift you might say.  Its very sad to have no communication but it is also so very much more calm in our lives now.  We felt she has to work out her own demons, we can't do that for her and in the meantime we spend as much time as we can with our son and gc.  If she wants us in her life, she knows how to reach us.  I have let her birthday go by without saying anything and then I have also wished her a very happy bday but it has made no difference either way.  Her mind is made up for what she wants so I stopped wasting my breath on someone who only wants herself pleased. 

I am worth more than degrading attacks on my character and feelings.  No one is perfect, we just have to learn to get along to get along.  Silence is my gratitude.

Wishing you the very best with your ODD and hoping YDD gets a clue someday.  Do what is good for your health and well being.  Live your life for you, love who treats you right and for the people who don't, it's their problem.
12
LC one day at a time is all you can do at this point.  I feel I'm in for some of the same as you.  My dd drinking since 15 and 40 now and no signs of ever stopping.

We can't do much but leave it to a higher power.  You feel you can't do this anymore, I know what you mean but we must
do it and get through it.

Better days ahead dear LC

We are here for you

13
Oh Firelight.  I keep thinking of what you are going through and I know it's really tough.  Torn between your GC and your own child.  I am still waiting for my DD to make the decision to learn her lessons but she is still not ready.  It is a pain
that is unbearable for me because I guess I cannot understand why someone wouldn't do everything possible to get their baby back that they lost due to their addictions.

But addiction is a terrible nightmare that our DD's are living  and I guess we have to be patient and wait for them to learn on their own.  In the meantime my GS is safe with his dad who won custody with my help which is something my DD
has told me she will never forgive me for.  If she ever does or not is up to her (I hope for a good outcome) but am not holding my breath on that one.  But she is an adult and out of my control, but I know my Gs will have a good life in a stable home.  That's what keeps me going.  It's all for him. The innocent.

You must make your own mind up and at your own time.  I wish things were different and easy but that is not what life promised us.  Life is tough.  Really really tough sometimes.  But we will get through it and we will be ok as long as we are ok with our decisions as long as they are for the right reasons.

My heart goes out to you. I wish you didn't have to make this decision. Hardest decision I ever made that I live with everday. We are here for you firelight.
14
Firelight I admire your courage and strength for your help for your GC.  You are a wonderful person and I hope for a
very good outcome for you and your family. 

Having to step up to this role is hard and should not have to happen to you at this stage of life.  I truly hope and pray
for you that your DD and SIL can turn their lives around for the better and take care of themselves.  There is always
hope.

Your GC are very lucky wee ones to have you and DH.  God bless you and keep you going.
15
I too was unable to get my DD to go for help.  We are estranged also and I have very little hope that will change.
It stills tears me apart awful at times but I live with it and try to live a happy life.  It is challenging and heartbreaking and
if there is any way to keep your child in your life and still keep your self respect, I would try it.