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Luise, I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that you are someone very special and I know what a hard day today has been.  I haven't been down the road you're on, but I know it must seem very frustrating to you.  I think anything we don't have any experience with gives us new knowledge, even though it's hard to do (or know what is right to do at the time).  I do want you to know that I'm here (like a bad penny LOL!), but I'm still here thinking about your hard day.  I do know that you have a heavy heart and I do want you to come back through here each day on your very own post, so you can see all the love and support you have created in this site through the women you have shared your thoughts and understanding with. 

We look up to you for your wisdom and experience.  Sometimes we call on you for help when we don't know what to do, and you're always there with a kind and loving word and some very wise advice.  I hope when you are here you will find so many replies to this post, supporting you and loving you back!

It's your turn and we are all here!  I know I am...

Thinking of you today and sending love and tight hugs...

Luise, I'm thinking of you. I know it's hard, but you are doing this because it is the best thing for Val. Love to you both.

I really am so very sorry, Luise.  Val has been cared for in such a loving way.  You are in my prayers and so is he..... :'(

Luise, I feel for you as you make this heart wrenching move.  You are a wonderful wife and Val is so blessed to have someone who loves him so much.  I know you will continue to be there for him and you will have help now with monitoring throughout the night (and day when you aren't there).  My love and prayers are with you and Val.  We are only a click away...........
Hugs, Hope

Luise,

All of your "wise women" are here to support you.
So remember, you are not alone.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you so much...all of you. Here's how our day went. I just wrote this for our family members:

I moved Val into nursing today. I went over and told our social worker we were ready. She asked "when" and I just went for it...(mostly because we dreaded it so much.) Val's level of confusion and my level of stress left us no real choice and we probably should have done it some time ago. We knew when we celebrated our 21st anniversary on Monday that this was eminent. We just wanted to reach that benchmark while we were still together.

It was horrible and they were wonderful. I pretty much cried all day...which is a lifetime record for me. Lots of paperwork, faxes and phone calls. One type of medigap insurance canceled and a new policy for those in long-term care initiated...both with "Evercare"...plus a new doctor. I had to take in all kinds of documentation and then while they were spinning the wheels amazingly smoothly and lovingly, Val and I took a drive around Camano Island and planned future Wednesday adventures involving State Parks and car picnics.

He is terribly sorry and I am terribly sorry. He feels he has been a crushing burden and I feel I have failed to be the wife I wanted to be and we both agreed that neither of us is to blame. It just" is how it is."

They came over and got his recliner and put it in his room for him and he liked that. (I do not like the hole in the living room.) I went back and forth with documents, clothes and toilet articles and my poor foot feels like it has been dancing since dawn. I had dinner with Val in the dining room in nursing tonight and we agreed that we would have a "dinner date" every evening. He is confused in his new surroundings and I am bereft in our empty house.

They had two beds open and showed me both. In between the two rooms I had violent diarrhea while walking. A very, very difficult day. I picked the best room by far...where he is by a window and by the bathroom. The other room was an either/or. His room mate is a lovely man. About as able and aware as Val is and nearly as sweet, I think. He's a quiet guy and not a TV person which really pleased Val.

I don't know what else to say. I am so tired I can hardly move. "Me, Too" (14 year-old chihuahua) is going around and around the house looking for Val even though I have had him over there twice to see where he is and be held by his good buddy. (It's just 1/2 a block away.)

I know you all care and that helps.

Luise, I am just so very sorry about this transition in your life. Such a hard blow for both of you.  You having it worse
because your sorrow is mixed with so much guilt too.  I know that as time goes by, this 1/2 block (such a blessing) will be
well trod and Val will settle in.  I think you will be relieved and more able to focus.  "Me Too" will get used to just you, wish we
could be more like these angels!! and Val will too.  I know it's the hardest thing on earth to do.  This is something all
of us will face at some point and you are being a wonderful guide for us. Sending much love at this critical time!! :'(

Quote from: luise.volta on March 31, 2010, 09:54:56 PM
Thank you so much...all of you. Here's how our day went. I just wrote this for our family members:

I moved Val into nursing today. I went over and told our social worker we were ready. She asked "when" and I just went for it...(mostly because we dreaded it so much.) Val's level of confusion and my level of stress left us no real choice and we probably should have done it some time ago. We knew when we celebrated our 21st anniversary on Monday that this was eminent. We just wanted to reach that benchmark while we were still together.

It was horrible and they were wonderful. I pretty much cried all day...which is a lifetime record for me. Lots of paperwork, faxes and phone calls. One type of medigap insurance canceled and a new policy for those in long-term care initiated...both with "Evercare"...plus a new doctor. I had to take in all kinds of documentation and then while they were spinning the wheels amazingly smoothly and lovingly, Val and I took a drive around Camano Island and planned future Wednesday adventures involving State Parks and car picnics.

He is terribly sorry and I am terribly sorry. He feels he has been a crushing burden and I feel I have failed to be the wife I wanted to be and we both agreed that neither of us is to blame. It just" is how it is."

They came over and got his recliner and put it in his room for him and he liked that. (I do not like the hole in the living room.) I went back and forth with documents, clothes and toilet articles and my poor foot feels like it has been dancing since dawn. I had dinner with Val in the dining room in nursing tonight and we agreed that we would have a "dinner date" every evening. He is confused in his new surroundings and I am bereft in our empty house.

They had two beds open and showed me both. In between the two rooms I had violent diarrhea while walking. A very, very difficult day. I picked the best room by far...where he is by a window and by the bathroom. The other room was an either/or. His room mate is a lovely man. About as able and aware as Val is and nearly as sweet, I think. He's a quiet guy and not a TV person which really pleased Val.

I don't know what else to say. I am so tired I can hardly move. "Me, Too" (14 year-old chihuahua) is going around and around the house looking for Val even though I have had him over there twice to see where he is and be held by his good buddy. (It's just 1/2 a block away.)

I know you all care and that helps.

Luise,

I've been praying for you and Val, and I will continue to do so.  Sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest thing to do.  (((HUGS)))

ahhhhh Luise...Bless you both....my heart goes out to you and your both in my prayers...I know how hard this is for both of you Luise...my mother took care of her 91 year old dad for a long time.  It got to be way to difficult for her, she had to lift him, and clean him constantly and she was just a little bitty thing.  It broke her heart to have to make that same decision...however we all rallied by her side, assuring her, that there was nothing more she could do at home...she told me, it was the hardest decision she ever had to make....however, she knew he was being cared for, much better then she could give him at that point, and that is what you have to remember Luise...you have done more them most, your the best wife, Val is very fortunate to have you...it is a very hard road to be a care giver... very hard....however, you don't think of it that way, as you love that person dearly and would do anything within your power to care for them.....and Luise, you did...and Val knows that...and loves you and appreciates you for it...believe me...and remember, you both made this decision together....My mother's father was pretty much out of it...so, he had no say, but we're all sure, if he were aware, he would have agreed two fold.

Luise, knowing you, you've put everything else first...Val, your life, your children, us...now, it's time to realize, that Val's needs are beyond your capabilities...you didn't fail him as a wife, you both reached out for help, much needed help and that's OK.  Remember, please, sometimes we are more effective caregivers when you care for the caregiver first....I know right now that may not make any sense, but please realize, if you can...As a caregiver, when you care for yourself, you increase and improve your own caring. Yes, guilt is part of caregiving, but where you are concerned, there is not one ounce of room for guilt, as you did everything humanly possible....believe it and say it over and over again....  Think about if it were you, instead of Val, , what would you want? 

Dearheart Luise...what your going thru is agonizing...painful, however, you have to believe, it's the best place for Val...you have to believe that, and in the meantime, know, we all love you dearly...and will pray for you both. 

God will see you thru this, and we are with you every step of the way....if you need us, we're here for you....I pray you know peace in your heart, darlin, you both need help now....so you made the right move and transition for everyone involved....

Love to you both

Tender, loving Wise Women. I'm so grateful that you walk with me.

Wouldn't want to be anywhere else...

Luise... thank you.  Thank you for sharing.  Thank you for being you.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  You're such a good wife to Val, such a good wife.
I felt like I was in the hallway with you, picking a room. 

I'm glad he's not far away, but I cried when I read about the hole in your living room.

I hope you have a nice dinner date tonight.  This is one transition that has so much love in it.
Thinking of you.

Love, Sassy

Thank you so much. My son (our webmaster, Kirk) is here (WA) from Kauai and is going to bring over a glider rocker and footstool. That will help a lot. Its a nice set that I gave him when we got Val his leather recliner. That will help.

I just came back from signing reams of papers and taking over more clothes, etc. I set up his Digital Picture Frame so he can watch a slide show of the family whenever he wants to. I am so tired I could drop because I've been pushing myself so hard for so long.

I know better days are ahead and I so appreciate the support!

Hi Luise,
You sound better today...I was wondering about you...I'm glad your son is there with you...it does help, doesn't it...he sounds like a terrific son...caring and very concerned...Please take care of yourself, and know your in my prayers...

Hugs and luv
Creme

Dearest Luise,
Thank you for the update - I hung on every word.  Just know that we are all holding your hand as you go through this transition.  You did the right thing - Creme put it so well, "Think about if it were you, instead of Val, what would you want?"  So often the stress the caregiver experiences causes them to end up in worse shape than the one getting the care.  I loved how Sassy wrote, "I felt like I was in the hallway with you, picking a room."  We are with you every step of the way.  I'm certain you are feeling our love and hugs.  Hope

I was better this morning. Right now I am exhausted and weeping again...and see no hope...

Luise,
My heart is yours.  Just take an hour at a time and it will get better in time.  Everything is going to be all right - your love for each other will see you through.  We are all here to support you.
Hugs, Hope

Thank you. I had no idea I'd burned the candle down to a nub...

Quote from: luise.volta on April 01, 2010, 07:23:20 PM
I was better this morning. Right now I am exhausted and weeping again...and see no hope...

Luise, I'm so sorry!  You know that you would tell us that it's darkest before the dawn....you would be telling us that
we are on a journey of self discovery.  I know you would.....I don't know if that helps but we're here and just put your fingers on the keys are up we pop.  The little family of "learning as we go people".  We're here for you. 

I am nuttier than a fruitcake these days but at least I'm here.  Take a seat and just be here with us.  We need you. 
Much love!!   

I was OK this morning. I will be OK tomorrow morning. I just have no staying power. In my heart and soul, I'm OK.  Physically and emotionally, I'm neither present nor accounted for. It is very difficult right now for me because I didn't heed the signs and create an intervention for myself until it was too late. Others tried (for years) but I wouldn't listen.

You can't be upset with yourself for not listening.  You have finally done something that I believe will make your life easier (and Val's too) in the long run.  He will be right down the street from you and you will still be there for him.  I know you miss him dearly, and getting used to an empty living room is hard, but hopefully when Kirk replaces the recliner you will feel better.  Take it an hour at a time for now, and "a day at a time" will come when you're ready.  I do believe it will come though and you are in my thoughts constantly while you are going through this.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Luise and as always, hugging you very tightly from here.  I do hope you feel that!

Luise,
How are you today?  Hope you're doing better and the night's sleep did some good.  Sending you love from your e-family.

Chickie - I weep from appreciation as well as exhaustion. My e-family means everything to me. Thank you!

Sending you hugs Luise...

I feel it, Coco. Thank you. You are all the light of my life!

Luise,
You will get stronger each day - you are a survivor!  How was your dinner with Val?  You have the outing to look forward to on Wednesday, too.  Do you, Val, Kirk, and Sandy have plans for Easter?
The sun will shine again.  Hugs, Hope

Luise,
we're here for you!!! Sending you something special....I think you'll remember this......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n92ATE3IgIs

Well, Chickie, when I tried to watch it, it said "Embedding Disabled Upon Request." I wonder what that translates to in English? But I sure do remember Moonlight Serenade!

And Hope, Kirk is in San Jose visiting a friend for the weekend and Sandy didn't come over with him because she hates the winter weather.

I love going over each night and having supper with Val but the dining room in a nursing home, even the best, is a zoo. We call it a "date", however and I'm doing my best not to sit there and cry. That's progress.

Oh, I so hoped you'd get it, Luise.  I knew you'd like it.  I love it.  It was before I was born but I love it so.

Dinner with Val there has to be so hard!!  I'm glad you're close and you know that if all of us were close, we'd have dinner
ready and eat with both of you every night. Love you, Luise.

Trying again...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n92ATE3IgIs

Thinking about you today, Luise.  Hoping you're doing much better, but keeping you in my heart!  Sending you big hugs...

Each day is less of a horror. Not much to go on but it's a trend. Please let me now if I am needed here. I'm not reading any posts except this one. Sending love to all...feeling Pings coming back with Hugs galore. Thank you.

Friday Night Report: Sent out to my family and that includes you!

Well, I rested all morning and felt like going over to nursing with the dog at 1:30 after all. (Thought last night I was going to stay in bed all day.) Val slept late, was dressed, had eaten and was ready for visitors. I got 20 oz. of water down him and had him shave. He loved holding Me, Too. (14 year-old Chihuahua.) I met our table mate from Cedar Count (Assisted Care), Paul,  in the hall and when I told him about Val, he cried with me. I have lost count of the number of people who have cried with me...staff and residents. Then Paul visited Val while I got the heavy sack out of the car. I left Val at 2:30 to nap, covering him first with his blue blanket.

Shirley (my friend next door who lost her husband in nursing last month) came over in the morning and offered me one of those walk-carts because I am limping so badly. (I feel grateful and "branded.") We didn't go get it from her storage unit because of this wild wind storm (85 MPH gusts). We are both such a mess but we make each other laugh and support each other. I didn't even want to see her yesterday, so that's an improvement.

I took a nap and then went back over at 4:15 to have dinner with Val. He takes any food that feels hard out of his mouth like clams in his chowder, ham in his soup, coconut on his pie and he blows his nose in his napkin; not pretty. There's so little of my Val left. We visited for a while back in his room. He forgot he lived there again but that's to be expected. He is cooperative, that's the big thing...and not feeling sad and abandoned. Then I took his hearing aids to the nurse on the med cart and came home. I will be glad when Kirk gets back from his weekend in San Jose and brings over my old glider rocker and foot stool, so the hole in the living room is plugged. I hope it will look like mother and daughter glider rockers like I used to have in my trailer, even if they don't match.

Val seems really content. He likes the activity and sleeps a lot in his recliner and everyone is dropping in on him so he feels like a celebrity. I think his going there first before drifting off into the ether is going to make it easier for me. I am already getting used to him being gone, (a little.) All of his stuff is over there and I am going to adjust to living alone, (I hope.) So I have lost him but he's still next door. Death by increments...the continuing saga.

Krysta, my counselor, wrote that facing up to placing someone in a nursing home takes the starch out of care givers who have been holding themselves together and pushing through (often for years)...and they crash. Reassuring, since I can't remember a thing and cry every time anyone tries to talk to me.

It's hard to get that the day before yesterday we both woke up here.

I haven't  turned on the TV yet. Haven't been able to face it solo and have been too tired to care. My friend, Julie, has put me on a supplement called "Alive and Well" (sounds good to me) for stress and exhaustion. Hope it helps.

Every day is better. That's not saying much but it's a trend. Wednesday was a horror and Thursday I was in shock. Today, my two, one-hour trips felt like my new routine and I have a sense that I am in here inside myself someplace, hibernating but not necessarily dead.

Luise, you are remarkable and a standard bearer for us to follow.  Sending such love!!!!!

Luise, my heart is breaking here!  I don't know what to say.  Just take it as you can and keep checking this one post!  This is your post and it's all you need to do right now.  We are all here waiting to support you, even if that simply means to cry with you at times.  I know how hard this must be for you, but haven't experienced it.  I can only listen and understand your heartfelt feelings.  I know you're reaching out right now, and I wish we were all there with you to reach back.  I can only hope that you feel us all in your heart, because we are there Lusie!  All of us thinking about you and this hard thing for you to go through.  Sometimes we can just cry with you and I can only hope that is support for you too!  I know I am.  Crying too!

This is so hard.  I'm afraid I'm not much support, and I guess I just have too much sympathy right  now.  Just check your post here, Luise.

Sending you so much love!

Hi Luise,

Checking in to say you are still in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope things are getting better for you! 

Sending you so much love and hugs!  OH!  and PINGS too!

I am putting one foot ahead of the other. That's my" best" right now. Thank you for your loving posts.

I heard from a dear friend yesterday, who described my experience so clearly. I want to share it will you:

"My uncle put my aunt in a nursing home about 2 mos ago and grieved so hard by having to do it that he ended up having to spend a few days in a mental hospital.  His huge fear was that every time he went to visit her she cry and beg to be brought home.  Its amazing, she's not cried one time and has adjusted fairly well and enjoys the companionship of the other people.  My uncle goes daily to visit and my mom goes a few times a week.  I just wanted your mom to know she's not alone and I may not know her personally but I have such love and respect for her for taking such good care of her husband as long as she could.  My uncle did it for two years and was plum give out towards the end, mentally and physically." 

This sounds so hard, and I can understand so much about it being harder on the caregiver.  I just want you to know that you have everyone here in your heart and are thought of every day, every hour and sometimes every minute!  I wish we were there to hug you physically, but since we aren't, then I can only hope that you understand we are doing that in our hearts.

How is Val adjusting?  Is he ok there?

Keeping thoughts of you and Val very close in my heart these days...

Thanks for asking about Val.

He is doing very well. He sleep a great deal in his recline, like he did here at home. He gets up late and by the time he's dressed and has eaten...(around 1:30) I arrive with the dog. He shaves under my supervision because he has had razor problems...and I get a 20 glass of water down him while we are visiting. Then I cover him with his comforter around 2:30 as I always did here and he takes his nap.

I come home and nap as well. Then I go back at 4:15 and we have our "dinner date." Back in his room he watches the slide show his son put on a Digital Picture Frame for a while and we chat. Then I give him his B-12 drops, put ophthalmic ointment in his eyes, take out his hearing aid and bridges like I did here and wish him sweet dreams. All very familiar.

He asked me yesterday why he was there and I explained that my injured foot wasn't doing well and I have to be off it many hours a day (true), so I simply couldn't take care of him any more at home and that satisfied him.
Everyone over there (which is right next door) loves him to pieces.

A "sort of" daughter made enlargements yesterday of two pictures he has of him with his two adult children. (Old pictures of them as children don't compute) and I am going to put them up today on the bulletin board over his bed. He doesn't remember his wife of 60 years, his grandchildren and their spouses or his great grandchildren. There is a bulletin board beside his bed as well and that's where I am with my motley crew.

My experience is very different, of course, because I am much more aware. It is very similar to my friend's Uncle. I didn't lose myself in care giving, as you all know, but the transition of letting go is beyond description. I needed someone else to put it into words for me. First you crash and burn...that necessitate your letting go...and then you crash and burn.

Sending love and gratitude to all.

Luise, I'm sending you love and support. Val is in the best hands, yours and those of the people taking care of him. He's a fortunate fella. I guess from the caregiver standpoint it's time to reassess roles and identities, like when the kids grow up and don't need our 24/7 care anymore? We miss doing it, we miss the companonship, we miss our former lives. Things are different, our job is different, and our roles are different. Wow, insight! Getting through our changing identities as "moms" isn't the end of it; we will go through a few more in our lives, so we might as well learn how to do it with grace and love. Thanks for sharing your experiences, Luise. You're a great role model and an amazing woman. Give Val an extra peck on the cheek from his "girls" at WWU. He may not know who we are, but he sounds like a great guy (and you are still obviously smitten.) Best wishes!

Sending you much love, Luise :)  I know this is so hard. 

Thanks, Pen - I do feel that as soon as I do some much-needed healing, I will be entering into a transition. Val is gone. He doesn't live here any more and our routine isn't that different.

Quote from: luise.volta on April 04, 2010, 10:51:48 AM
Thanks, Pen - I do feel that as soon as I do some much-needed healing, I will be entering into a transition. Val is gone. He doesn't live here any more and our routine isn't that different.

"Val doesn't live here anymore"

That just breaks my heart, Luise.....It is sad but you are so wise that I know you'll make this a part of your growing
experience. 

Chickie - thank you. It is a very strong learning curve to be sure. And as my energy starts to return, I will probably turn many corners. It helps a great deal that all of you a walking this walk with me. I can't tell you how much.

we are here, Luise.....we may not know you but we KNOW you very well.

Isn't that wonderful? Isn't that just a miracle?

yes, it truly is....it's better to know someone through their words, I've found.  You really get to understand their heart.  It' s
the only way. 

I'm happy Val is being cared for, by you and the nurses there.  Sounds like the only real change for you is that he is there now, instead of at home.  That's good Luise, and even if you don't feel that way, I believe you will in time.  I wondered how you cared for him with that leg to begin with, and having others watch over him for you between your lunches, chats, and dinners may have saved your life.  I don't know if you've thought about that, but I'm very proud of your ability to say "I need help!"  I've heard that is a big step, and one that many caregivers avoid - sometimes to their own detriment.  Your decision is one that shows how brave and strong you are, and I agree with penstamen.  It's obvious you're still smitten!  Smitten enough to want the best care possible for him.  That's how I see your decision too.  I'm sure you went through allot of emotions, and are still going through many more.  I just hope you will keep coming through and sharing them with us.  We are all with you in this walk, and I believe you are showing strength and valor, even if you don't feel it yet.  I realized I'm not experienced and could be wrong about allot of this.  What I do know is what I can see, and that is a loving wife who is looking after someone she has built her life with, staying at her husbands side to the end.  And that wouldn't be easy.

I still know what I want to be when I grow up...  I want to be like you!

Luise,
How was your Easter? 
Sounds like a nice idea to have Val's children's pictures enlarged and put above his bed.  You are doing a great job keeping his routine as close as possible to what he is use to.  He must feel very loved.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending hugs, Hope 

Not a good day, you guys. It doesn't work for me to eat with Val in that dining room where everyone is so miserable and so close to the end...it's horrible. And it doesn't work for me to be at home in this empty place. Val thought I was the woman in that picture with his son, because he never sees his daughter and I was once a brunette. It just goes on and on. I hold on and put one foot ahead of the other and look to better days or adjusting to what is or getting numb...whichever comes first.

Luise,
I cannot tell you how much insight I have gained reading your posts about Val and the nursing home.  It hits us all in our hearts. Your post tonite brought me to tears.

I do not know if this suggestion would help regarding dinner in the "dining room."
Could you request having dinner served in Val's room?  Then it would just be the two of you and it would be quiet and more like a home-setting. Many times, the staff in these facilities are willing to accommodate family/patient requests, so it may not hurt to ask.

The whole transition from home to nursing home takes an adjustment period from several weeks to a few months.   Val may be experiencing more episodes of confusion due to unfamiliar surroundings and trying to keep up with all the new faces and the different routine.

All of this has to be an emotional roller coaster for you. You are going through an array of emotions, from sadness to distress to physical exhaustion.
These major changes that we go through in life, can also bring about an element of grieving along with it.  We grieve for what was and we grieve because we cannot make it be what we would like it to be. You are such an example of holding on and looking forward. I admire your courage and your endurance.
I commend you for what you have done and continue to do.

Just remember, every day is a new day.  You are so loved.

Luise, please see MomX3's post.  Reply #51 above.  I believe it's a great solution to your dining room dilema.  Another suggestion that I have is to see if you could also bring food from home (special meals) and set up something in Val's room so it's closer to a home environment.  I don't know if that's possible or not.  Also, do you have the means to take him out into a courtyard of some sort so he gets to be outside for part of your visits?

You have us all crying with you and there must be something you can do to make the nursing facility feel more like home, besides having to go eat in the dining room with all the patients who are like that.  That has to be really depressing for you both.

We're all thinking about you and keeping in our hearts!  Sending you warm hugs and keeping you in my prayers...

P.S.-  Thank you momX3.  I know I wasn't thinking about that, but you've spurred my imagination and I believe you've hit on something important.  It would be for me!

Quote from: luise.volta on April 04, 2010, 09:29:37 PM
Not a good day, you guys. It doesn't work for me to eat with Val in that dining room where everyone is so miserable and so close to the end...it's horrible. And it doesn't work for me to be at home in this empty place. Val thought I was the woman in that picture with his son, because he never sees his daughter and I was once a brunette. It just goes on and on. I hold on and put one foot ahead of the other and look to better days or adjusting to what is or getting numb...whichever comes first.

Luise,
Bless you! Bless your heart as you walk this road..  I hope each day for something for you to hold on to.  It's got to be
such a terrible thing for you.  I know Val is not suffering (at least I don't think he is) but it is the ones who are left that
hurt the most.   :'(

Thank you Everyone - I am so grateful. You have no idea.

Here is Val's picture with our Chihuahua, "Me, Too." I wrote a post this morning telling you I would ask Kirk to put it up but the post disappeared.

I am probably two years late in putting Val in nursing but for my heart, it is at least two years too soon.

I can't fix any meals for Val and take them over because I can't find the energy to make a piece of toast. This is a kind of bone-deep fatigue I have never experienced in all of my 83 years. All I can do is put one foot ahead of the other. And that's very painful because my recently fractured foot is swollen and hurting from too much walking.

Val can't remember any routines or names. Years ago he stopped reading because he couldn't remember what he had just read. He can't remember how to turn on the TV or answer the  phone or how to undress. The Dr. asked me to write down what Val can no long do and I filled an 8 1/2 x 11 page, single spaced. He puts his hearing aids in the plastic cup in the bathroom that's for his bridges and then soaks them in hot water.

He can carry on a cogent conversation with me if he isn't too tired and I speak slowly, carefully and simply.

He does recognize faces but no names....(but he's good at faking it.) He can't recognize pictures his grand children or their spouses or their children. They have been too busy to come and see him for the lat 20 years.
He can't leave his room in nursing and find his way back.. .and he used to volunteer over there ten years ago, regularly visiting people who had no families or had them and they didn't care.

Sending love...gratitude and appreciation.

Luise, I'm sorry.  I'm worried and hope you're getting plenty of rest too!  You need to take care of you too, especially when you're going through so much.  Is Kirk still there helping you?

Sending you so much love!  I think you need it right now and I'm keeping you still very close in my thoughts and prayers...

Oh my goodness, Luise....this picture of Val is a good one.  No one would guess he was the age he is.  He looks good anyway.

I am so sorry about all this.  It's no wonder that Nancy Reagan called this The Long Goodbye....it sure is a long goodbye.

I think it must be fine with the one who has this, my goodness, no responsiblities, no heartbreaking memories but so hard
for the one who is left!  He is fine and you are not.  Not right it seems but so many things are not right in life.

It seems that his children have sure neglected him but what a miracle that he doesn't care!  Again, it's you who cares. 

Please know that you are in our prayers and also that we think of you and your daily plight.  I'm glad you have your
wits about you but gosh, just a little rest from all the cares would be great for you.  Would love to see that come your way
soon.  Sending much love...

Is there anybody there that can help and support you?  I believe you need that right now too.  You sound so drained and I feel you need more than "just us" right now, but need someone who is physically there for you.  How are YOU!

By the way, your picture is good.  Now, we can all have a chance to see Val and Me Too!  He's a handsome man and very young looking at his age!  My father is very young looking too!

Luise, do you have anyone who can drive you to the nursing facility and help you?  I don't think this will last, but I do believe you need someone to just be there and hold you up for now.  This is hard...

We love you and don't want you suffering like this.  I hope you understand that.  I believe you are suffering and don't want you feeling alone right now.  I know that's next to impossible, but you need somebody there.  If Kirk is getting ready to leave, do you think it would be possible for him to stay just a bit longer?  I know he has to get back to work, but do you think he can help settle you before he leaves?

I agree with you Chickie.  I think Val is doing well, but am worried about Luise.

I think so too, Coco....

OK.  I have an update on Luise for everyone.  Kirk is still with her and I got a message to him.  This is his reply;

Thanks for your concern. I spent the morning with Mom. She definitely is having a tough time, which seems completely normal and healthy to me. She has a strong support structure around her.

Whew!  I hope everyone feels better.  I do!  Luise I was so worried that you were alone and had no support there.  I was afraid Kirk had left and gone back already.  I feel better knowing he's still helping you!

Take care of you, Luise!  We reallly do love you and want you safe too!

Dear Worry Worts: Thank you for your deep caring. It makes a huge difference. I have never had a team of Worry Worts before when I got knocked over and it is wonderful.

OK...my friend Maureen has been out of town on business and just got back. She called tonight and is taking a day off of work Friday to take me to my counseling session, since it is a long drive and my foot isn't up for it (and neither am I.) So that's handled. Kirk is leaving early Wed...4:30 AM. That's OK. He's been here a month and needs to get back to his wife and life. He got me around this corner! What a guy! My friend next door got me a loaner walker so my dog walks don't hurt my foot so much...it is really swollen. The nursing facility is about a block away and yes, Coco-mom, I do drive it.

Residents and staff here have offered to do anything and everything needed and are dropping over with fresh fruit to visit me and stopping in to see Val. We have lived here over 10 years and have a lovely extended-family kind of community. www.warmbeach.org (Yes, that's a picture of me on the Home Page.)

There is nothing anyone can do about my empty house (grief) and my fatigue (overwhelming.) I am alone with those things because that's how life is. In many ways I need t be alone to face this and to adjust and heal. I'm so exhausted that visits take a lot out of me.

Again...you are all so dear and so real to me. Thank you for creating such a powerful e-family. Sending love...

Luise,
You are such a dear soul and deserve every ounce of support you are receiving.........and it's so great to know you are surrounded by good people.  I'm sure you were there for each and every one of the people in your life who are now giving you a hand (I know you are a wonderful listener and that is a gift in itself).  What comes around goes around and it's your time to receive.  Take care of yourself now and regain your strength. 
Hugs, Hope

Quote from: coco on April 05, 2010, 06:18:44 PM
OK.  I have an update on Luise for everyone.  Kirk is still with her and I got a message to him.  This is his reply;

Thanks for your concern. I spent the morning with Mom. She definitely is having a tough time, which seems completely normal and healthy to me. She has a strong support structure around her.

Whew!  I hope everyone feels better.  I do!  Luise I was so worried that you were alone and had no support there.  I was afraid Kirk had left and gone back already.  I feel better knowing he's still helping you!

Take care of you, Luise!  We reallly do love you and want you safe too!

Thanks for the update, Coco.  It's good to know she is surrounded by caring people - plus she has our e-support!  Luise deserves all that - then some.  It was so good of Kirk to spend a whole month with his mom - what a great guy!  Do you think he gives lessons?  ;)
Hugs, Hope

Luise, I'm so happy you have friends there who will help you and support you.  I guess we are worry worts, but I hope you know we are well meaning ones and although I know there is nothing anyone can do about your empty house or the emotions you are going through, I just wanted to make sure you did have some physical support there as well.  I'm also relieved you took my efforts as "Momma Coco" instead of "Stalker Coco!" LOL!  I know you've said your foot is swollen and I can tell by your posts that you're exhausted.  It's there in your writing.

Since you say people keep stopping by to see you, do you think there's a way you can put a sign on your front door saying something like "Napping right now, please do not knock, but come back!"  That may give you some much needed rest, and some time to elevate that foot too.  It's just an idea.

We are all here for you if you need to talk, and please remember to update us when you can on Val and on you too!  We just love you so much!

Stalking? Are you kidding? I feel cherished! And, yes, I actually did that over the weekend when the reality of all of this took me to my knees. I closed the drapes, locked the doors (which I never do) and put a sign on both of them that said "Sleeping - Zzzzzzzzzzzz."

Each and every one of you is gifting me with caring. That's the fuel that will help me heal. Every kind and empathic post encourages me. When I read each post I say "thank you" out loud...weeping and at the same time smiling. As I have said, I'm not a crier by design. I'm not stoic..I'm just basically happy and have no need for tears. Now, I just "leak." And I am too weak to do anything but observe it as a strange phenomenon and wonder if it will ever stop.

My neighbors say, "yes". The one across from me found her husband dead at his desk last year and the one on the other side of me lost hers last month over in nursing and was then diagnosed with cancer herself. This is a large, retirement community. There are almost 300 of us here at www.warmbeach.org (I always give you a chance to come and see.) For that reason, death and dying is ever-present. It's never the same, of course...the individuals and the circumstances are always different but it is a reality that is forced on us daily.

Spouses here tell me it's a long way back to health and happiness for many who burn out from care giving. I will just take one day at a time and be grateful that I'm not one that had to be hospitalized. I was able to see others burning out but I had all kinds of reasons why I wasn't one of them and it wasn't happening to me.

I have shared the darkest of the dark with all of you because you have done the same with me and that's what makes our community unique...it has heart and truth - compassion and yes, wisdom. Unfortunately, at times WiseWomen crash.

I don't know how to do this. Emotionally, physically, financially. It's like I have landed on foreign soil and don't speak the language. I have known it was coming, of course...something had to be approaching as Val was drifting away from me. And it's not over. I don't know how or when it will end. I want to heal my hurt and my heart, as well as my worn-down-to-a-nub body and be read for what's next.

It's too radical. Like surgery. One morning you wake up together, just like always, and the next morning there is no one there. You go to a strange and depressing...(no matter how hard they try to hide it and how hard you try to deny it)...place to"visit" him and both of you grieve because he's never coming home. The whole thing takes everything out of you and you find, to your horror, that you have no reserves. Nothing is there, you're empty, just like your house.

Right now, it almost takes more that I've got to go over to nursing and eat dinner with Val in that environment of despair but I want to do it and I will find a way to make it  "dinner date" for him.

Val is not here (at home) but he is here (on the planet.) He is not always here (mentally) but his smile is here.

Luise, I'm happy you are going there to see Val for that dinner "date."  I know it must be the most difficult thing for you to sit through, but I would think there are times (when he really is "here") that you are the only thing he see's in the entire room!  Your presence there is so important for him, simply because as you stated, sometimes he's here and sometimes it's his smile that is here, and you never know what "here" is until you arrive.   You are Val's angel right now and you have probably already thought about that, but I truly believe it. 

Take care of you, and keep up as much strength as you can.  I agree with Kirk and believe what you are going through is healthy and necessary for you at this stage.  I also believe you need all the strength you can get to get through this.  That's why I was so worried about support for you there.  I believe if you have people around you there who are caring and loving, you will make it through this, and knowing you, I believe you will even come out the other side with some perspectives that will change many people's lives behind you who have to experience this. 

That's just what I think of you.  I believe you still have so much to offer the world and have seen this in you!  I can't wait until the day comes that you start your own post here again, entitled What This Wise Woman Learned In a Dark Time...  If anyone will do it, you will.  We have all learned so much from you.  Of course you're down.  Who wouldn't be.  I know I would..

Sending you love and many warm hugs.  I hope they reach your heart!

Hi All - I take Kirk to the Airporter bus at 4:30 tomorrow AM and he will be home in Kauai by supper time.

Support is a strange thing. We all need it and I don't know what I would do without it...but...I am still alone with this. Does that make any sense? I am alone with Val in nursing for two 1 1/2 hour visits every day trying to make that work and I am alone here at home the rest of the time...trying to make this work. Actually, that's not even accurate. I am having it be the way it is and going through it with no idea how long the anguish will last or where I will land when I heal. I know I will heal but that doesn't change anything.

I doesn't matter that neither of us likes it. It's "what is." Such a radical change. Such a shock. I've know it was coming for the last decade and it still knocked me off my track.  I'm a train wreck. I so wanted Val to just have a great day - one day - and wake up on the other side the next morning like my elder son did. And that was supposed to happen before I wore out. That was my fantasy.

This experience will be a chapter in my book that is taking shape: "Aging with Wisdom." Life is a learn-as-you-go thing. And do I want to do this particular chapter. No!

People email and call. People stopped in at first but tomorrow starts week two and that is dying down. There is no one to come and stay here with me. Even if someone wanted to, this is a little one-bedroom, 660 sq. ft. fourplex. And I wouldn't be comfortable with someone around, even if I had the space. There's just no short cut.

I am resting a lot. Just sitting because that is what my body seems to need. It needs me to stop. Not stop and do this or stop and do that...those days will come but for now, I need the space to begin to recover surrounded by nothingness whenever that is possible.

I'm not depressed. I haven't been. That's a diagnosis that describes a serious medical condition that needs to be treated. I an filled with grief and sadness. Those are feelings and they are totally appropriate. I am numb from shock and flattened by loss and all of what I am going through is to be expected and believe it or not, healthy. I have to experience it to get past it. When self-pity comes, I wallow a moment but I don't believe it. I just get hit by a wave of "poor me" and know that,too, is human. This is a natural life-process. We are all "perishable items." We have a "shelf life."

Anger comes and despair...I am overwhelmed and feel helpless and hopeless. But...less each day. And that's the truth. That's also the answer.

It does makes sense, Luise that you are alone in this.  I wish Kirk didn't live so far away.  We worry about you.

I wish we could be there to help you. 

Chickie - Do you have any idea how much that means to me? Or how dear you are?

I would imagine that means a lot, Luise.  Words of love do mean everything when you're in fighting the battle you're in.  Sneding them again....

Luise, checking in to see how today is going.  I know Kirk left early this morning and you must miss him.  I'm thinking about you and sending good thoughts and hugs your way.

We all love you Luise!

I came home from taking Kirk to the Airporter bus at 4:30 AM and went back to bed. I didn't cry. I just felt grateful for the month he has given me and the energy he has funded in supporting me around this corner. What a guy.

Was awakened by a call from my first boyfriend (Michigan) who put his wife in nursing the day after I put Val in. We cried together. The four of us had dinner in 1995 when we went back to Michigan for my 50th HS reunion.

Quote from: luise.volta on April 07, 2010, 10:17:02 AM
I came home from taking Kirk to the Airporter bus at 4:30 AM and went back to bed. I didn't cry. I just felt grateful for the month he has given me and the energy he has funded in supporting me around this corner. What a guy.

Was awakened by a call from my first boyfriend (Michigan) who put his wife in nursing the day after I put Val in. We cried together. The four of us had dinner in 1995 when we went back to Michigan for my 50th HS reunion.

Luise?  Your first boyfriend?  Called you?  Oh my goodness...you cast a spell that men never forget. :P  I think that's wonderful. 
I'm glad he called....and I'm thrilled that Kirk came and did what he could.  He is appreciated by all of us.  I hope he comes back soon.  Take care of yourself and just know we love you. 

Yes, I went with him when I was 16. Was smart enough not to marry him because he is ultra-conservative and conventional. We would have killed each other. (His mother was terrified...and for good reason.  :o)

Kirk will be back in mid-July with Sandy and they will stay for the summer.

I'm not up for one day at a time...but I can do an hour, and then another.

Luise, I'm happy Kirk was there.  I couldn't imagine the time you would have had if he hadn't come to see you for your Birthday month!  He loves you so much to take that time (and the extra week) to help you get Val taken care of and look out for your wellbeing too!  He really is a great son, and I agree with Hope.  In an earlier thread she asked, do you think he will give lessons? 

Take care of you and remember an hour at a time, is better than last week!  You're making progress, but we are still going to be here when you can check in.  Sending you more love and hugs...

Thank you Coco.

Quote from: luise.volta on April 07, 2010, 10:54:46 AM
Yes, I went with him when I was 16. Was smart enough not to marry him because he is ultra-conservative and conventional. We would have killed each other. (His mother was terrified...and for good reason.  :o)

Kirk will be back in mid-July with Sandy and they will stay for the summer.

I'm not up for one day at a time...but I can do an hour, and then another.

Luise, one moment at a time will do....as far as what you're up against, I wish you weren't up against it.  I wish all was
well with Val and I wish all this could be reversed.  I'm so glad you have Kirk and so glad you have us.  2 good things. :)

Two Good and Wonderful Things, Chickie.

Courage:

"The power to let go of the familiar."

Luise, you are very courageous in my eyes!

Love you! Keeping you tucked in my heart...

Coco,
That is so powerful!  That's what courage really is, isn't it?  Letting go of the familiar.

I learned something today...thank you. :)

Some things are not as hard as others to let go of, though but as humans, we're adaptable. 

Thank you, Coco. I'm headed over right now with Me, Too for our dog-visit.

And Val will see nobody in the room, but you and Me Too!  His angels...

Quote from: luise.volta on April 07, 2010, 12:49:06 PM
Thank you, Coco. I'm headed over right now with Me, Too for our dog-visit.

Tell "Me Too" that we said, "hello"....

Still thinking about you Luise.  Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Going to bed soon, but I wanted to send you hugs.  I hope you feel them!

Me, Too say bow-wow back to you, Chickie.

Those hugs seem to have Pings in them, Coco.

I feel the love from everyone. What a wonderful family.

I am having a really tough time with my recently fractured ankle because I am walking so much up and down those long halls in nursing. Val is resigned but not content. It's only been a week. I am positive much of the time but not all.

Kirk just called and he's back on Kauai with his Sandy and all is well.

Our Internist sent a note to me today saying it was the right move for both of us. Nice of him to do that because he knows I wanted to by-pass nursing. (He wanted Val to go there five years ago and I was so sure I could beat the odds.)

It is early here, not yet 7:00 PM but there is nothing left of me after my second trip over to nursing each day. Val lost a tooth today and so his bridge doesn't fit right and one hearing aid was pronounced non-repairable. Those kind of molehills look like mountains to me and take energy, focus and money that I don't have. I have never been on welfare before. (It now costs over $8,000. a month to live here.)

My AM posts look much more hopeful I have noticed.

Sending love...

Luise

Sending you love and prayers

Luise, your a.m. post do look much more hopeful because you're rested when you write them.  So  try to get lots of it - rest!  I know the nursing sounds so expensive, but if welfare will pay for it then I wish I were there to drive you and help fill out the forms.  Is there someone you can ask to help you do that?  Then forget the numbers when you're finished.  Also, check with medicare about the hearing aids.  I believe they will help pay for these, but can't remember.  My father just had his replaced and I can't remember whether it was Medicaid or Military insurance (Tricare) that paid for it.  Anyway it's worth looking into. 

Wait until tomorrow to do all these things, so you can rest.  If you can't get them all done, there is alway another tomorrow to start again.  Take it an hour at a time.  That's all, and forget the rest until you can take more. 

And yes, I still think you are brave and "COURAGEOUS!"  I hope you feel lots of love coming your way

and PINGS!!!!!!

I will respond about those things tomorrow. Thank you. How can we get you to go to bed? Do I have to see if I can find my wand and fairy-taser you?

I'm going to bed early early because I got up at 3:15 to take Kirk to the Airporter bus. And also, tomorrow, is my nursing conference about Val's care at 10:00 AM.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
YES MAM!

Night!

Luise,
I hope you get a good night's sleep.  Your rest is terribly important right now - don't slight yourself.  Our thoughts and love are with you.  Hugs, Hope

Luise, I have so much admiration for you.  Your schedule makes me tired, and I'm 32.  I don't know how you do it, but I know Val appreciates it.  Even if he can't say how much it means, I know it means the world to him.  I was only a caregiver for a short time, so I have no idea the depths of what you're going through, but I know that what you've done for Val has always been with his best interests at heart, both when you were caring for him and home and when you decided to allow others to assist you.  I don't know if it's like this for you but with my DH, having a set schedule of what happened when kept me from having to really face the reality of what was going on.  And right now, for you, your routine has changed and it makes things more stressful...but soon this new routine will being to become more normal.   Know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you. 

One day at a time, like the song says. We may not be going through it ourselves, but chances are we'll be going through something similar at some point in our lives, or have been through it in the past. Thinking of you, Luise. Take care.

You are all so precious.

I am adjusting to two visits a day, totaling three hours, and twenty-one hours a day to start to heal.

The visits are concentrated and exhausting from my point of view but I don't think that will continue to be the case when I get some reserves built up. I am hopeful in the AM but/and by bedtime, I feel defeated. I think that's par for the course, probably.

I have wonderful friends here after living at Warm Beach ( www.warmbeach.org ) for the last ten years and volunteering in so many departments, including nursing. They have all known and loved Val for years. I simply can't imagine taking this nearly impossible step in a strange and sterile environment.

Reams of paperwork and tons of phone calls and faxes had to transpire before Val could be admitted. The staff took it on like a marathon and after I signed everything, I left and took him for a drive while the wheels turned. Welfare, (DSHS,) had to be factored in and cleared to make it possible, since we simply don't have $8,000. a month to fund my staying and Val's moving into nursing. (That's $100,000. a year just for housing.) It all had to be completed first and they dd it in four hours. Unheard of.

Some of that I told you before but I am foggy as to how much. I am foggy...period.

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

Luise,
Just checking on you....was your day okay?  How is Val today?  Me Too?   Hope, hope, hope your day was a better one.
XOXO

Luise, I want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers still.  I hope today went well and you are feeling a little more at ease with your new schedule.  I also wanted to check to see if you had the time to find anything out about the hearing aids.  If you'd like, I can make some calls for you, just to see if they're covered by Medicare.  I can do that tomorrow during a break.  Would that help?

I'm keeping you tucked away in my heart and thinking about you!  Sending you lots of love and hugs!

Coco - Thank you so much but the social worker here told me she will research it and that DSHS may be the way to go. All of this is so foreign to me. Val has one hearing aid working so we can communicate if I'm on his left side.

Chickie - Each day I cry less and that is my best monitor because I have never been a crier. My Dr. says it was my expression of overt fatigue. I am getting used to the two, 1 1/2 hour, daily visits and so is Val. Progress is slow but sure.

Everyone - This feels less like a divorce as the days go by...and more like just "what is." It's the best we can do. Val's room mate has pictures all over his bulletin board and no one ever comes to see him. Well, on Easter his brother dropped in for a few minutes but that's it. The man was an educator and is a lovely, dignified person with early Alzheimer's. It's sad. He talks about his daughter coming by and says he "just missed her." She never came any where near the place and she lives only an hour's drive away. I know it is hard to visit a nursing home and see people as they are getting ready to "leave," but it is so incredibly selfish not to. The roommate is always cold, so I took him over a large, chenille throw and he was so delighted and grateful I could strangle his family.

Does that sound like I am starting to heal? Probably, since I have my nose in someone else's business again. For a while all I could feel was my own pain.

A dear friend is taking the day off from work tomorrow to take me to my counseling session (I'm sure I already said that)...and then she will visit Val. My foot is my biggest stumbling block - pun intended. The fracture, complete with screws, is doing well but the soft tissue damage makes walking difficult and swelling ever-present. I'm using a borrowed walker for dog walks. It's very embarrassing not to be able to keep up with a four pound Chihuahua.

I love you guys.

Luise,
I hate to say I'm glad you're crying but I am.  I think it's the outward expression (the only one we have!!) to express loss.

Isn't it sad, so sad about the roommate?  I know your comfort to him is the tonic he needs. He might think you are an
angel.  You are!!  It's horribly unfair to throw this man out just because he's ill.  I think somehow we will pay for all this
abandonment. 

I am chuckling at the 4 pound dog out doing you.  (sorry for the chuckle)  Me Too has you around his heart and probably
knows he's running to see Val.  He loves him too.

Keep that spirit moving and your heart open for what comes next.  You always have us...we're kind of lost here too but
we're here. 

Loving you :)

Luise, I'm thinking of you. Bless you for caring about Val's roommate as well as doing all you do for Val. It makes me crazy to hear stories about people who've had a good life and are ignored when they get old. Please take care of yourself, too!

I woke this morning beyond grief at least for the moment. It's a new place. Rather empty because grief filled every nook and cranny of my reality.

I feel bone-tired. It is a kind of do nothing/think nothing weariness that has no pain attached to it.

The emptiness feels like opportunity. I see it learning toward peace.   

Quote from: luise.volta on April 09, 2010, 06:53:15 AM
I woke this morning beyond grief at least for the moment. It's a new place. Rather empty because grief filled every nook and cranny of my reality.

I feel bone-tired. It is a kind of do nothing/think nothing weariness that has no pain attached to it.

The emptiness feels like opportunity. I see it learning toward peace.

Luise,
I am so sorry....it is certainly to be expected.  You had the love of your life in Val..something a lot of people never experience.
Losing that connection has to be, is going to be, forever hard.  I think I know you, though....you will get back to each day
with love in your heart and give that love away to others.  Hope we are the ones you give it to. :)   Stay strong and keep
us posted. 

Luise,
dearheart, yes, it is like a divorce....your life long friend and companion with whom you shared many things....events of the day, grandchildren, politics, music, opinions, advice even that warm body next to yours in bed, is no longer there...I remember well, how that was awful for me, after the seperation & divorce, not only did I feel all alone, but the worst part was inside, the emptiness  It becomes very evident that we are alone....and the anquish of his not being there is awful...we don't ever expect to be parted, let alone deal with it....alone with the anger, pain and unfairness of it all.  The emotional support is also gone, and the grief of knowing, this is a life changing event for you.  This is a total loss of intimacy for you and of course, a shock to the nervous system.  You are experiencing loss of partner, hopes and dreams...and it all comes crashing in like an unwanted train wreak....and right now, your whole system, and soul, is adjusting or trying to adjust, therefore, it's ok to cry, it's ok to be angry and confused...it's ok to grieve the loss of him....and ok to be where you are presently emotionally....traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions all rolled into one great big ball of unfairness, not to mention, so surreal.  Your probably feeling very vulnerable and victimized right now...anxiety for the family, the future, impatience with every step and move you make right now...it does fit or feel right at all....my suggestion is to just go with your emotions...let them out...let yourself feel and try to relax in any way you can.  I think sometimes when we can rationalize our emotions, we understand that this is a process our bodies, minds and souls must go thru, to get to the other side of tomorrow...one small step at a time...don't worry Luise, if you can, about tomorrow, just try and consentrate on what your going to do the next minute, and get thru that time...then go onto the next, and the next, and strength will rejuvinate your confidence by knowing your not alone, you have family, friends, and this forum of women who do care and love you and Val.  Understand if you can, these are the steps of change...and it is change that we humans so rebel, b/c when change like this is forced upon us, it's all about loosing control....we can't control the situation, no matter what we do, this is one part of life, we must recognize as out of our hands....and try and acclimate and go with the flow...the best we can, the best we know how....this is one of those real tests in life...the one that challenges us and our faith...and I know you know, given your spiritual connections, you know what I'm talking about...when you can, relax, take a deep breath and know, that the unknown and change are what really upsets us...identify with it, and embrace it, if you can...I know that sounds silly, but it does help to embrace change and the unknown in any way you can....you are going to go thru many phases of change, and great challenges now my friend...

I don't want to make you feel worse with this post, I just want you to know, that there are so many out here who understand what your going thru, and the up and down roller coaster of emotions that are plauging you now are perfectly normal and part of the change process...

God bless you both...sending much love
Creme

What a wonder. To come here and get this kind of support offered with such love. I keep saying thank you and I mean it...you have my heartfelt thanks.

Luise,
I was wondering how your day has gone?  Are you doing okay?  Is Val doing okay in his new surroundings?  Me Too? 
All of you are in my prayers.  Let us know....

Thanks for checking on me.

Yesterday I felt I had my feet under me but this morning i walked into our little living room and Val's absence was more than I could bear.

I emailed a family member (Kirk's "ex) and she replied: "Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry that it's so sad for you today.  And, I know how wonderful Dad is and how much you miss him being there.  But, you didn't abandon him.........you made sure he was safe.  And, you so needed support yourself. You went to Warm Beach, originally, for exactly this reason.........so that he could have the care he needed and you could be close to him.  Is the grief descending again? I wonder if it takes 21 days, like all physical regimens before your heart can accept that this is the greatest good for both of you.  10 days isn't such a long time to recover from such radical severance."

What a roller-coaster. Tonight, I feel accepting again.

A friend came by this afternoon. She used to be Director of Housing here and she spoke about Val's experience being very different than mine. He was comfortable and cared for and not stressed. Of course he didn't want to move. And I was so sure I could keep him here but was a sinking ship. Hard to reconcile all of it.

Quote from: luise.volta on April 10, 2010, 06:19:01 PM
Thanks for checking on me.

Yesterday I felt I had my feet under me but this morning i walked into our little living room and Val's absence was more than I could bear.

I emailed a family member (Kirk's "ex) and she replied: "Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry that it's so sad for you today.  And, I know how wonderful Dad is and how much you miss him being there.  But, you didn't abandon him.........you made sure he was safe.  And, you so needed support yourself. You went to Warm Beach, originally, for exactly this reason.........so that he could have the care he needed and you could be close to him.  Is the grief descending again? I wonder if it takes 21 days, like all physical regimens before your heart can accept that this is the greatest good for both of you.  10 days isn't such a long time to recover from such radical severance."

What a roller-coaster. Tonight, I feel accepting again.

A friend came by this afternoon. She used to be Director of Housing here and she spoke about Val's experience being very different than mine. He was comfortable and cared for and not stressed. Of course he didn't want to move. And I was so sure I could keep him here but was a sinking ship. Hard to reconcile all of it.

Kirk's ex is so very wise, Luise...no wonder you feel so close to her!  What a wonderful thing for her to say.  I can only imagine
the heartbreak roller coaster you are feeling.  I am just praying each day gets a little less heartbreaking.  That's what
days are for, I guess.  Waking up without Val has to feel so empty but you know you couldn't hold up any longer.  We're
human and because of that, we have to give up when the mountain is just too high.

Sending you much love.... :)

She's the one I wrote the Poem to...that is, of course, in the Poem section. I guess it would be OK to duplicate it under Getting Started. Is that where you wanted to put it? I guess that's OK. Maybe Coco could do it.

Let's call it "Ode to an Ex- DIL"

Quote from: luise.volta on April 10, 2010, 06:35:40 PM
She's the one I wrote the Poem to...that is, of course, in the Poem section. I guess it would be OK to duplicate it under Getting Started. Is that where you wanted to put it? I guess that's OK. Maybe Coco could do it.

Let's call it "Ode to an Ex- DIL"

Luise,
I don't know where "getting started" is....could someone help me put the poem in there? 

I am so out of it. I meant "Open Me First"... not Getting Started. I think that's the first folder. And it was Hope not Coco who suggested it. (See what I mean?)

Hope...wanna give it a try? If not I will tackle it when I return to a more cogent state.  I'm pretty useless right now.

Hugs Luise...my heart is with you.  Hope each day gets a little easier for you.

Thank you. It is such a shock no matter how "prepared" you think you are...to move your life-partner out of your home for good. Val is going to be 99 in October and this is just where we are.

But when it happens, it's usually due to either acute illness or care giver collapse...(my scenario.) And when that happens...the care giver has no stamina to get her through it. It's a kind of crawling over broken glass experience. I feel like my heart's been cut out but you are right, it is not as bad as it was 10 days ago...and I will heal. That may be pretty slow because I have no reserves and I am over in nursing with him three hours a day trying to make it work for both of us.

The love here is so sustaining. I'm amazed.

When you love someone this much...like you love Val...your heart feels like it is breaking.

Spend your time with him...whenever you want...do what YOU want to do.

Dear Luise:  So happy to see so many comments to you re Val.  You are always ready to help those of us who are trying to get through heartbreak - it breaks my heart to see you are suffering.  You are so, so in my thoughts and heart - because you have done so much for me.  I have changed my registration but you know who I am - Take care of yourself.

Ah, yes, dear friend. Thank you so much. We all have to get through what we have to get through and "end of life issues" are no walk in the park. This forum is so supportive. I feel it in my bones...the love here and am so glad I was able to create WWU with Kirk's help...for one and all.

"A friend came by this afternoon. She used to be Director of Housing here and she spoke about Val's experience being very different than mine. He was comfortable and cared for and not stressed."

This really stood out to me.  Let it be a little light for you to hold onto.  Val is comfortable, cared for, and not stressed.   What you did has been a good thing for both you and him.  Yes, it hurts, but that doesn't mean it isn't the right decision, only that you love him so very much.  I'm thinking and praying for you both. 

Luise, I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every single day.  I may not be here or post it here, but I want you to know that I keep you in a pocket of my heart and think about you.  I know what you're going through is a dark path and I can only hope that you have the support you need there as well as here, where you are loved and valued!

Sending you a very large hug!  I hope you feel it, wherever you are...

Thank you so much. I need the love and prayers because it is the end of our living together. Even though we know it is realistic and safe...it feels very dark indeed. We are old. We know Val, especially, is running out of time and so we want more togetherness, not less. 

I'm sorry.  I don't know what to say except that I understand that.  Your time is limited and although I don't completely understand the grief you're feeling, I can only imagine what it must be like.  I just want to reach out and hug you, Luise!  Really!

Keeping you in my pocket...

Luise I'm sorry we dragged you back to internet stuff when you have so much real stuff to handle.  I might not say it but I am thinking of you and the burden you carry. 

I guess my grief is about not being able to finish what I started. I wanted to keep Val at home with me. My energy just didn't last long enough and I am terribly sad that he has to adjust to our separation at his age and that I have to, as well.

Luise I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is.  I feel lost when my husband goes on a business trip.  Hugs to you and to Val.

I

It's strange about being parted by a business trip; it's the same thing. You're not together and that's the whole point, it seems to me. I have never understood how entertainers can marry and then live on two different sides of the continent.

We all know we are aging...and we know we will come to where we have to face end of life issues...but how do we wind down a partnership?

I wish I knew the answer to that?  I'll have to think about it for a bit.  Wow!  What a profound question!

I promise I'll get back to you, Luise. 

By the way, has anyone told you lately that you're beautiful? 

Besides Val...

I'm telling you now! 

Yes, I see that wonderful heart and mind working...

But, you're together for your visits.  Can you concentrate on your time together?  Does that work?

Well, you have brought me to tears. A kind word can do that these days. Thank you so much.

Perhaps Luise it's not winding down the partnership, but altering the way it works?  Love is like H20 it never goes away, it just changes it's state :)

. 

 

Oh Luise.  I didn't want to do that!  I wanted to help you find a solution to this "end of life situation."  Something to help you see the value of this part of your life!  And yes, I do believe there is value in saying goodbye slowly.   It's something we all have to face and you are unselfish enough to share this with us! 

If weeping is part of that, then I believe it's healthy.  I believe in you, Luise!  So if that's what you're doing, then it's a part of the process that a wise woman goes through in her lifetime...

I love you, Luise!  For the simple fact that you are unselfish enough to share this time with us all!

I do realize that some things do not have a solution.  We just have to live them.  But I believe we can live through them well.  That's how I see you!

Living through this well, and loving all the way to the end.  That's the Luise I know.  The woman who loves with all her heart and soul.  And, I believe you are an angel to someone who is dreaming of you right now, because he's sleeping, and you are his dream.

What a nice thing to do.  You have shown someone love that they may have never known without you!  Kind of like us here...

It will work eventually, I'm sure. It isn't working now. We are just two weeks into it, of course.

Val feels he is alone over there waiting to die and no, he doesn't say that but I know what he's thinking. I feel I am alone on a desert island back at home without him. It feels like a dress rehearsal to both of us.

And yes, we create love and light when we are together. We aren't without gratitude.

It isn't self-pity, it's the fact that even though we spend four hours a day together every day, we have to , yet. We weren't ready. Who ever is, I wonder?

I don't think anybody is ever ready.  It catches you off guard.  That's why I've already made the funeral arrangements and the obituary for my parents.  As the executor, I need to be prepared.  As the daughter, I have my doubts.  I know me too. And a big heart takes a long time.  I believe we have something in common...

Like I said, you're in my heart's pocket and I'm thinking about you every day!  Bless you and Val both!

C - Being brought to tears by kindness is not a bad thing. And yes, P.S., transition is the word. You're right. Val and I are walking the walk...feeling it deeply...and sharing it with those interested in the process. 

Yes you are.  And doing it beautifully...

C - I think planning ahead like that is very wise. Val doesn't want anything formal and the costs are pre-paid. But I have told Kirk the songs I want him to sing and play on his guitar when they have a little family celebration of my life. And I told him if he thinks it would be too hard to do that, he could learn them now, and put them on a CD.  ;)

And so I am going to tuck myself in. G'nite, dear friends. Thank you.

Goodnight Luise! Remember, you are NOT alone there!  You have friends you can still talk to.   OK?

We love you, Val loves you, Me, too loves you.........

Was that the Waltons????

Crying can save your life.  Talking to friends can make you smile...

Still loving you! We are all here...

Dear Luise,

Sometimes, unspoken words mean the most!  We love you dear friend!

Thank you for sharing your life so unselfishly with us...

Dear Luise,

Sometimes the wisest of women need support too!  I'm honored to support you and love you through this place in your life.  I believe you are becoming much wiser and look up to you!  You are still someone I want to be when I grow up.  I'm not sure that will ever change, but for right now, I'm here with the other women on this post waiting to hear from you and just listen, because that's all I know to do for you right now.  I still look forward to your wisdom.

I hope your days are getting better for you.  I still have you tucked in my heart and think and pray about you.  Just wanted to tell you that,  again...

C - Thank you so much. It is wonderful to have your support. Life throws some curve balls for sure and that's often where wisdom comes from. It is been wonderful for me to be able to go to this topic and feel the Hugs and Pings...and it was wonderful for you to think of it.

My Val, as you know, is close to his 99th birthday. When a partnership winds down that way...death is just around the corner and you want to stay together and make the most of every moment. When you can't, it is a little-death for both people to have to be separated.

Val and I are grateful for what we still have and we are adjusting. However, honest adjustment (as opposed to denial) involves going through something and experiencing it fully. Simple, perhaps, but not necessarily easy. That's where sharing and feedback is so priceless. 

Well, I appreciate your honesty.  You have written some things I had never thought about that opened my eyes to what a hard thing this is for someone to live through and face.  I have more respect that you can find the strength to come and be honest with your feelings.  You are showing strength, even though you may not feel that way.

Sending you so much love....

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and Val.  I hope that you are both adjusting to the changes that have come with the move, and I'm hoping that, as the strangeness wears off, the comfort you both found in each other will become even stronger.

Thank you so much. Today for some reason feels more hopeful. It was two weeks ago today that Val was admitted to nursing. I'm sure we probably have a long to go before we feel comfortable apart but today seems "softer."

:)

Oh, Anna, how sweet.

Luise, I hope this is a good sign.  If you feel a little hope and softness now, then you're still making progress.  I have wondered how Val is taking his new environment.  Have you both discussed it together yet?

Your still here in my heart.  I'm keeping you there...

Thinking of you and Val, Luise. Sending best wishes on continued progress. Enjoy the tender moments you have; they're precious gifts.

Bless your heart, Pen. Today has stayed good and hasn't fallen apart. I got Val a little stuffed animal that looks just like his Chihuahua, Me, Too and he was thrilled. Took it to dinner!

That's brilliant, Luise! :)

Wasn't that amazing? I haven't seen him so happy in ages...and of course that made me happy. He calls him "Me, Too, Two."  ;D

Still thinking of you Luise.  I agree with Pen on the Chihuahua.  It was a brillant idea in so many ways.  Val most likely misses Me, Too as well as you there.  It has to be hard for him and that was perfect to find that for him and make him feel better. 

Sending you lots of love and hugs!

Dear Luise,

I am new here and I have read alot about you.  I hope you are feeling better all the time.  I'm sorry to hear you are going through this time.

Sending you a hug

Luise,wishing you and Val a smooth and easy transition.I know it will take time to adjust,but know you are in my prayers.

And i just love the storys about you and Val,the little stuff animal,that is so sweet.

You and Val have a very special bond,not all couples have that.

Hoping each passing day gets easier,

Sending Love and hugs.

It's just amazing what a "soft" day does for you! 

Luise, I'm hoping you had another one today, and if today wasn't that "soft" day, then I'm thinking about tomorrow! 

Love you Luise.  Sending you and Val, Me Too, and Me Too Two very large hugs.

Keeping you in my pocket.............

Quote from: luise.volta on April 10, 2010, 06:50:59 PM
I am so out of it. I meant "Open Me First"... not Getting Started. I think that's the first folder. And it was Hope not Coco who suggested it. (See what I mean?)

Hope...wanna give it a try? If not I will tackle it when I return to a more cogent state.  I'm pretty useless right now.

I'm sorry, Luise, I just read your post.  I've been absent so much lately b/c I haven't been home long enough to visit you fine ladies.  Thanks to Red Rose for taking care of making a copy and putting it in "Open Me First" where it can get the attention it deserves. 

How are you feeling today, Luise?

Sending love and hugs, Hope

Good to see you back and she did a great job, didn't she.

I am feeling like there is movement, however slow, in the direction of acceptance on Val's part and of physical recovery on mine. We are starting to redefine our relationship and are moving past mourning the loss of the familiar. I think all of that is probably necessary to be able to get to the other side. We didn't want to get to the "other side" for a while...we just couldn't have it be like this. Denial is pretty human.

It's definitely a process. But...we are both alive and healing...and heading toward wellness.

Quote from: luise.volta on April 14, 2010, 08:37:32 PM
Wasn't that amazing? I haven't seen him so happy in ages...and of course that made me happy. He calls him "Me, Too, Two."  ;D

You are so thoughtful, Luise.........and clever.  What a great gift idea!  I just had to laugh when i read that Val calls his new buddy "Me, Too, Two".  He certainly hasn't lost his sense of humor!  You are both so fortunate to have the relationship you have.  Two beautiful people. 
xxoo, Hope

Thanks.  ;D

Quote from: Hope on April 15, 2010, 06:42:39 PM

Quote from: luise.volta on April 14, 2010, 08:37:32 PM
Wasn't that amazing? I haven't seen him so happy in ages...and of course that made me happy. He calls him "Me, Too, Two."  ;D

You are so thoughtful, Luise.........and clever.  What a great gift idea!  I just had to laugh when i read that Val calls his new buddy "Me, Too, Two".  He certainly hasn't lost his sense of humor!  You are both so fortunate to have the relationship you have.  Two beautiful people. 
xxoo, Hope

Hope, I happy to see you back and posting!

Quote from: luise.volta on April 15, 2010, 06:40:47 PM
Good to see you back and she did a great job, didn't she.

I am feeling like there is movement, however slow, in the direction of acceptance on Val's part and of physical recovery on mine. We are starting to redefine our relationship and are moving past mourning the loss of the familiar. I think all of that is probably necessary to be able to get to the other side. We didn't want to get to the "other side" for a while...we just couldn't have it be like this. Denial is pretty human.

It's definitely a process. But...we are both alive and healing...and heading toward wellness.

Luise,
I'm relieved to read that you are claiming some of your energy back.  You have an incredible attitude and that has, no doubt, helped you in this draining transition.  You have built supportive and valuable friendships that will also carry you through this difficult time.  We are here for you!
Hugs, Hope

Luise, I'm new as well, but have been reading this site for a while.  I just wanted to let you know that reading about what you have been experiencing, and the truly loving and lovely way that you have handled everything, has been a huge source of uplift and inspiration for me.   Especially the way that you are able to experience all your feelings, acknowledge them, and move through them.  Your honesty with yourself and your ability to look at things so clearly is a wonderful gift.  My best thoughts and wishes to you and Val.

Thank you so much and welcome. Each day is a new page in this parting without divorce or death. I appreciate that there are those who are interested in my situation because those who post here on my site have not come to this particular cross-roads yet. I want to do it with Grace but I think that comes (if it comes)...out of slogging though it.

Thank you so much and welsome.

There are wonderful bright spots and blessings, as well. I sometimes lose sight of those. (But not for long.)

Right now, I am working my way through the financial end of all of this. We live in a non-profit retirement center; www.warmbeach.org where my little 600 sq. ft. unit and Val's bed in nursing come to $8,000. a month. That's $100,000. a year and way, way past our resources. We have lived here for ten years and there are people in the nursing facility that were here when we moved in. Ten years in a million.

There are many sides to all of this...but the one we have been hit the hardest by is the physical separation. Now, I am visiting twice a day...at 1:00 with our dog that is pictured with Val by my name, and again at 4:00 when we have our "date." We go "out to dinner and a show." Dinner is in the nursing dining room (not Five
Star or highly recommended) and the show is the Digital Picture Frame in his room (slide show.) We also have little mints...because you always eat goodies at the show. At our table for supper we imagine that the salt and pepper shakers are candles and we jokingly say we think we hear soft music in the background.

Awwww Luise,

Treasure this time that you share so sweetly with  your husband....they will stay in you memory forever. You are a strong and loving lady.

"I want to do it with Grace but I think that comes (if it comes)...out of slogging though it."

You're right.  There really isn't a shortcut for getting through things like this, and I know that my own tendency is to close my eyes and try to endure.  It's much harder to be fully present to what's going on - "slogging through it" - and that's something I'm learning about, slowly.

Being present and moving through it with support is bearable. I have such a loving family...and such great e-friends here. A sort of daughter who lives in Seattle took time off from work today and drove 300 miles, round trip, to get me to my counseling session and back home. I am so touched by the generosity that others have shown me/us.

Luise I hope you had a good day today.  Still thinking of you and Val.

Luise,
How has your foot been?  I hope you are taking it easy and giving yourself the attention you need.  :)   Do you think an Epsom salt bath would help?  And are you putting your feet up as much as possible?   I hope your day went well.  You are always in my heart.
Lots of hugs, Hope

Post - Thank you, I am so appreciative of your thoughtfulness. It makes all the difference in getting through this.

Hope - You remember about my foot? Amazing, I fractured that in November! I have had some trouble because all of this with Val going into nursing has kept me on my feet a lot. Soaking in Epsom salts does help and so does putting it up. I got one of those walker carts that you push and I use that when I'm walking our dog. I can take some of the weight off of it that way. And I drive over to nursing and back...only a block. Thanks for asking

Anna - Thank you. We're creating a new relationship in a way and I think we're going to make it. My two visits to nursing each day are nurturing both of us and it's becoming a routine we enjoy. I have a long way to go to get my energy back because I become so run down from care giving but I am resting a lot.

Bless your heart for asking...(all of you!)

What a lovely prediction! Yes, deep within me I do feel that. Whew...

Luise, You've been sounding very good lately.  I'm seeing more of your posts.  Are you feeling as good as you sound?  You been okay?  Foot improving any?  And how is Val doing?
Big Hugs coming your way.........Hope

Well, that's sweet. Thank you for asking, Hope. (What a lovely name for you. You bring hope to a lot of people.)

I am spending about 3 hours a day over in nursing with Val. That's about the same amount of time that we interacted at home one-on-one...the rest of the time he was sleeping and it's about the same over there. So, my very limited energy is going into maintaining a close relationship against all odds. I take the dog over on my first visit and I share dinner with him on the second trip. We take long walks in the halls and we watch his Digital Picture Frame slide show.

The other 21 hours a day I am resting and healing and finding my way back.

Oh, Luise, if anyone can make it through this challenging time, it's you!  I feel that you have made the best possible move even if it is not what you dreamed of having.  Sometimes there aren't any great choices, so we have to choose the best of what's left and that's exactly what you did.  It sounds as though your quality time together is about the same as it was before the nursing home and you, my friend, have less demands draining your energy.  In time your battery will be fully charged and your get-up-and-go will be back (even if it doesn't seem possible now).  Val is so fortunate to have a loving dw who keeps life interesting and gives him something to look forward to each day.  You are a model of determination, devotion and dedication - the three 'd's (I just thought of that).  Another thought just popped in my head - it's too bad you can't have Coco's gs's atv to ride around on.  Me, Too could walk beside you as you drive.  LOL!  Anything to save that poor foot more pain.  Hang in there - I believe each day will get a tiny bit better.  At least you can be assured that all your WWU friends are cheering for you and have you in their thoughts and prayers.
Sending love your way.............Hope

PS:  Thanks for your kind words about my name.

Luise....you and Val are in my thoughts and prayers...how is Val doing?  How is his outlook?  He is very fortunate to have your companionship...big hugs and sending positive karma?

Creme - I appreciate so much that I have your support. Thank you for asking. Val is settling in and asking less and less about leaving. He doesn't remember my two-a-day visits...but he is responding to the rhythm of them. He has a naturally sweet disposition and that helps a lot...he's in a kind of sate of Grace, I think.