My daughter hasn't spoken to me in years and calls her step- mother "mom." I don't really understand what I've done to her. My ex husband (her father) was physically abusive and she doesn't seen to remember all the bad things he did, but now idolizes him and has stopped seeing me. I have no money to help her and her husband out, but he does have alot of it. Would that cause her to act this way and stop speaking to me or seeing me, calling his wife "mom?"
I went to their wedding (which her father and his wife paid for). I knew that, and decided nothing would bother me; it was my daughter's day. When it came time to give the bride away he said, Her mother "Barb" and I give her away." His wife's name. I heard a few gasps in the pews behind me, but didn't react. There were stairs outside the church where the family stood to meet everyone there. They placed me at the very bottom and had their sister in-law offer "bubbles" to everyone that got down to me, so I couldn't talk to them. I still smiled and had a good time. I was determined to see her big day. I was talking to her when the wedding planner came up to us. I complimented the planner on the beautiful wedding and reception she had helped set up. When I introduced myself as her mother, the wedding planner looked at me like I was crazy. She said, "you mean her step mother, right?, Barb is her mother." There were so many things that happened. I drove seven hours to be at this wedding. I was supposed to stay the night, but when it was all over, I just couldn't do it. I got into my car and cried all the way back home. I am still so hurt.
I don't know what I did? I thought I was a good mother. What would make my daughter treat me this way? What can I do to get over this and so many other things like it? I don't think I can give up on her. I love her so much!
Dear Cocobars,
I just want to say how sorry I am that this happened to you. No Mother should have to go thru this.
I know someone who was done the same way, no comfort, I know. The one with the money seems to win out these days, without regard to someone's heart.
I just know you'll find some comfort here among others who have not the same experience but just as hurt in their own way. Sending you love... :)
Thank you chickiebaby!
I hope I do get some help here! It's why I came... Finding this site was a Godsend, and you were my very first friend.
It's just so sad and I hate for this to happen to any Mother! The person I know who this happened to and whose former husband never took one interest in the kids growing up, is living with one of her kids. Her former husband is adored now....he's a total jackass in every way. He has lots of money, though.
The woman's son's wife did not want her in their lives and made him choose his family or his Mother. He chose his wife and family. His Mother has no contact with his kids or with him.
Some people say that she had to have done something to cause this.....she did..she was the other woman in her son's life.
Hi Cocobars a similar thing happened to my at my sons very huge wedding put on by his father. My name wasnt mentioned in any toasts etc. I was like cinderella compared to sons wifs mother. Anyway unlike you I got drunk and really stuffed up big time. I fell right into their hands. I have had to live with that for 4 years and learn how to forgive my self. DIL, MIL,S and ex well what can I say they dont think much of me Congratulate yourself for being so cool that day
Bless your heart, Green.....
Thank you green eyes. I guess I don't think I was so cool if my daughter would let that happen to me. There were other things that day, that led up to my leaving early (before the reception was completely over), and deciding to go on the long drive back home. I wish I had the money to help, but I'm out now and I see that. It hurts and I just can't give up on her, although one of my other daughter's (I have 4 grown children too), said I just need to do that.
I'm so happy I found this site and people like you! It let's me know I'm not alone and maybe, not so bad. I've been walking around thinking I'm a bad person. Maybe that's wrong, but that is how the experience has affected me. Thank you for your kindness and support. I will look at myself differently, for not reacting there. BUT, I have a confession; I did get very drunk when I got home. Cried all the way and drank myself to sleep. I guess that is why I don't give myself the credit you did. Because my reaction was the same as yours, but just in a different forum...
LOL I have said sorry, nothing more I can do. I really abused my ex oh dear he really deserved it but not at my sons wedding with guests from around the world. Talk about money being spent on a wedding and I ended up being the main attraction. not good
Coco, you tried your hardest under extremely hard circumstances. I don't know how you drove home. I couldn't have done it. You're a strong woman and I just know you will be okay. Maybe not right now but one day. I'm so glad to have all these friends here to say what's on my heart.....that includes you!
Bless you both for your kindnesses! My ex deserved exactly what yours got, and maybe he was a little paranoid that karma was on my heels. That would explain some of it.
I would rather karma come from somewhere other than me. God seems to be more vindictive and creative than I am! LOL!
Seems like a conspiracy to me, the way dear old dad claimed he and his new wife du jour would be giving YOUR daughter away, doesn't it? He didn't think it would be a hateful thing to do? Had the shoe been on the other foot, how would He have felt?
That is unacceptable, to me. Sad. I don't even understand why you would bother with a grown daughter like that any longer. Really.
I would certainly be putting my love and energy into something/one that gives back.
Sorry you went thru that. I cannot reply too impartially since I, too, have experienced similar betrayals. Please take what I suggest with a grain of salt, for I am speaking solely from my own personal trials dealing with disrespectful adult children.
Good for you that you could continue with your brave face thru that awful time. Our experiences parallel for sure.
I do have a question though - you say your daughter hadn't spoken to you in years and calls her stepmother "mom" why would you even bother going to her wedding? It is obvious it was just an obligation that you were even thought of. I am sorry if this seems cruel, I don't mean it to.
But really, personally I wouldn't give that person anymore of my heart or time.
ââ,,¢Â¥
Thank you happy days. I wasn't living in the same state, and really thought there was no threat. I was humiliated and surprised. I was dumb enough to think that just because I had let bygones be bygones, he had done the same? I should have known better.
The last night he was in my house, my daughter (11 years old at the time) called the police because he was beating my son and I. Well, I pressed charges and divorced him. He should have seen it coming, because I warned him that I wasn't going to be treated that way anymore.
Silly me, for thinking he had gotten over it and moved on. I'm not worried about what he thinks. It's my daughter I'm hurt by...
You're welcome, Coco...it's hard to do anything till you're on the other side of the situation. You can't get to the other side until your heart is ready.
Sometimes I think it's the ones our kids can't have that they go after....I don't know why that is. It seems like the nicer you are, the less you're wanted in this world.
hear..hear...it is true what you can not have you want
Hey, I devoted my whole life to MY children and when I left because my ex was abusive, they blamed me for breaking up the family. One of my sons wishes I was dead and calls me by my first name the three times I have talked to him in five years. He has a son (my grandson) that I have never seen and my oldest son has a daughter I have never seen. He remarried a couple of years ago and my name was not even in his wedding announcement. I wasn't invited to his wedding and neither were his grandparents who did absolutely nothing to my sons but love them. Since then, my dad passed away two years ago due to a stroke. They went to his funeral and stayed about ten minutes and sat in the back of the church. One of my sons has JUST now decided to visit my mom during Thanksgiving and Christmas (as long as I wasn't there). I can be thankful for that. I told them a long time ago that I would stay away but to please visit their grandparents. So much pain because of adult issues and control for all of us. :-[
out of 9 grandchildren and another being born tomorrow, I dont see or hear from any. Life is not easy, I will not allow my self to be bitter or resentful, I still want to love and be loved. We can chose our friends but not our family...
Quote from: greeneyes100 on January 03, 2010, 03:41:26 PM
out of 9 grandchildren and another being born tomorrow, I dont see or hear from any. Life is not easy, I will not allow my self to be bitter or resentful, I still want to love and be loved. We can chose our friends but not our family...
yes, your right, we cannot choose our families...and we can observe and learn from them on how not to be...a very good lesson....yanno, we raise our kids the best way we know how...mentally....we grow with them...we're young when we have them...but when they grow and leave home, there is nothing more we can do...
I had a boss come to me years ago...they raised 4 boys and adopted a baby girl, his wife was a very good friend. He came to me once, and asked, how can one family raise 5 kids and all but one, turns out wrong...what did we do wrong, we raised them all the same? But it happens, to the best of people...bad things happen to good people...
hugs to both of you, Creme
Thank you Creme! I've read some of your posts here, and I believe you have alot of wisdom and love to learn from!
Oh Green Eyes, I feel the sadness you are going through. I only have two grandsons, but haven't seen one of them since he was a year old (he's four now). I have twin daughter's that go visit and they come back with pic's and stories for me. It hurts, but it is what it is and I accept it for that. I believe my oldest daughter is making a mistake by accepting money in lieu of love. I can only hope that someday she realizes the mistake and comes back to see me. On that day, my arms will be wide open!
Bless you tomorrow. I know your thoughts will still be there, and I'll think of you also and say a little prayer.
my arms will not be opened, unless i am aplogised to and given the respect I deserve and that will take time for me to see if the love is for real
Greeneyes, coco and creme,
Thank you for sharing your stories! You are going through so much as well and I appreciate your input very much! Sounds as if we are doing are damnest to value ourselves as we should......because we are worthy and we are valuable!!!!!!
Peace if you know in your heart you are a good person, a kind and loving person say hi to yourself and love yourself. it is so healing
Greeneyes, Took me awhile to get there, but I think I am pretty much there now. Just had to find out for myself and stop punishing myself by working so hard to have a relationship with someone who did not want the same (my sons). And I am finally through the final phase -acceptance.....don't like it.....but I accept it now. Thanks!!!!!!