WiseWomenUnite.com

What a kind, giving, and sharing bunch of women you are. I am awed by the amount of support offered here to each other every time I log on. Thank you Luise for giving us a "soft place to fall". Sometimes  life gives you more than you think you can handle, but if you have someone you can talk to it makes things seem a lot easier.

Good Wednesday to you all. Nana, I understand what you say about my daughter and the grandkids need me, but when she went back to the "current" boyfriend that meant she went over 3 hours away from me. So I really am not "close" physically now. She and her new guy like it that way I think, so I don't see what goes on. I made sure my grandson knows our phone number, and he knows if he is scared, hurt or just needs me he is to go to teacher or school counselor. That is all I knew to do. I have to admit I miss him terribly, but without the drama from DS and DD, I have managed to sleep more peacefully the last few days and feel refreshed! Grandaughter is doing great, she is a great kid. The past week was hard for hubby and I because of having to put our 18 and 15 year old girl kitties to sleep, then GS leaving on top of that. But we are doing okay. Thinking about Thanksgiving, and having GD help me decorate tree very soon for Christmas. Trying to focus on the good things! Wishing you a lovely day all.

WOW! I don't know what to say first. Renet I am so sorry you have to go through this difficulty. I have the same issue only with DS and DIL. As I read through these replies I noticed that a lot of us had the common thread, unhappy childhood, critical parent etc. Hmmm. I am sorry Renet that your DD treats you this way, maybe the statement that our kids are more like our parents than we realize is correct? And yes, it seems we are tender hearted, also a common thread. It IS hard to not get to see grandkids and know they are with other grandparents all the time, I've dealt with that for 11 years now. It hurts, I know, but I recently made a choice not to dwell on it anymore. Had to let it go. I don't understand meanness in some folks, never will. I have found in the short time I've been a member here, there are some great women who offer kindness and support, and it's been a blessing. Best to you all.

Mominwaiting, it is wise to remove yourself from it. I have FINALLY learned I must do that too. We need to focus on OUR health and happiness and let go of that madness and drama our family members wallow in! I wish you peace. It's been only one day since I removed myself from the chaos, and it has been a peaceful day...and I slept GREAT! I work night shift as a dispatcher for electric company, and I NEED to be rested and prepared at work in case of outages, house fires, or wrecks involving poles or power lines. It is nice to talk with others that understand our family and their issues isn't it? I have been given kind words, and support here. BPD is a terrible illness, my daughters is very severe. I have read that some with BPD sometimes have personality disorders as well. Like borderline personality. I believe my DIL is like that as well. Glad you are here, hope things improve for you.

 I agree, these kids are basically motherless because she only cares about herself. I  will report any issues  that endanger my grandsons, but since I won't be communicating with her it'll be  difficult to know what's going on. As far as I know  the only "drugs" she is doing now are prescribed except for  pot...but she's  still in danger of overdose with prescribed meds. Last time she had too many prescribed meds in her system ( over 6 weeks ago), I took her to emergency room  because she was hallucinating! She tried to load dishes in  OVEN thinking it was a dishwasher. She was dressing her 2 year old for bed, I was right supervising her, she went to put a second pair of pajamas over the pair he had on and she said she did not want him to get cold! The temps that day were in 90's. The hospital said  med overdose,  they found pot in her system but no other street drugs. She should have a guardian,  live in group home setting,  she shouldn't have custody of kids! I would take kids if something happens to her, but  dad still has rights!

I agree with that as well. I am feeling okay today actually. I think just setting boundaries and standing up for myself helped give me peace of mind. I will think of my grandsons, of course...but I WILL be okay! The house is a bit quieter in the afternoons I bet! lol I plan to keep busy, which is not usually a problem for us because even though we both work full time we still have our rental properties to deaL with also. My husband is a gem, and can do anything he sets his mind to, so he does all repairs by himself except for charging air condiotioning and an occaisional furnace issue. Sh he is REALLY busy! He is such a nice guy he even mows ALL of the rentals yards too! Have a most wonderful day all!  Jane

I agree with you 100%, and I am beginning to follow that advice TODAY! I wrote my daughter a 5 page letter today and informed her of my choice to walk away to give myself "sanity", and peace in my life. I let her know I loved her, but I cannot tolerate the madness any longer, nor will I allow the grandkids to be used to control me any longer. I officially have set myself FREE today...one day at a time is all I can handle at a time. Ahhhh deep breath, time to meditate, I am feeling hopeful once again. Thank you all for the support...you are very wise women indeed! This is a great web site to have found.

I "ve spent a lot of time reading here the past day. Trying to learn what others have do to help deal with issues. I enjoyed this thread a lot! I can never think of a quick come back when I need to either,  because I am  shocked at what the other person said! I have  chosen the route of not responding to them at all , no matter what they say or do. They WANT me to react, they enjoy upsetting me. I will not play that game. I read today on Facebook my DIL had yet ANOTHER comment to just keep a feud stirred up, and it said she had considered divorcing my son because she couldn't  spend the rest of her life hearing  the stuff from "his family". Funny though when you look at ALL of the discussions (arguments) they have stupidly displayed on Facebook it is only my DIL, my son, DIL's mom and sis and cousin and THEIR FRIENDS! lol The only other person commenting back (feuding) is my dd who has been  difficult situation for me for years. So I  laugh at DIL's comment because it's her clan that's voicing all the time. I think my decision to cut ties for sanity sake is a wise one. My DIL also made snide remarks about my dd and mental illness, yet DIL has same bipolar disorder, as does my son! She refuses to acknowledge her diagnosis however. My 11 year old gd that is being sexually provocative on Facebook with photos and messages is allowed to continue this behavior as DIL and son think it's NORMAL behavior I would need a notebook to explain how strange DIL family is. Her grandfather is a pastor, and when their daughter (DIL's mom) was confronted about extra-marital affairs, the pastors wife physically jumped between the two ladies and stated "she didn't know any better!" HUH? By the time you are 40, and if your dad is a preacher, if you don't know any better than to do that...there MIGHT be a problem here! So the husand divorces her after putting up with that for over 20 years, and DIL calls her dads new girlfriend a tramp (she used a worse word)...again HUH?!!!

Laund this man taught her a new trick. rie, funny you should mention what else family services might need in order to step in!!! You won't believe what I will tell you next. Around 15 months ago my dd was living with yet ANOTHER MAN (while still married to her husband), and this man taught her a new trick...using drugs via needles, as he was a needle user. This new man had a father (notice I said HAD!!!) that also was a serious drug abuser (crack mostly). This father was at a "party" at my dd's rental (in yet another town!), and the main entertainment that night was DRUGS! My two grandsons were present at the time, and they were 6 years old and just turned 1 year old at the time. Well...the father did too many drugs, overdosed, and basically his heart blew up, he DIED in dd's house on the spot! I found out, called family services lady to see what could be done for the kids safety, guess what??? NOTHING. There was not even an investigation! I called hotline on dd one other time, same issue again (drugs in home etc). This was about 5 years ago I'd guess and in another town of course...my daughter called me laughing (not knowing it was me that hotlined her) and said family services had called to WARN them they would be coming to their home for investigation in 3 hours time, so my dd and her husband had enough time to clear house, clean and clean up grandson too, nothing was found by familyt services on their visit (of course). It's a wonder I am still fairly sane. She would never relinquish her rights to the boys. I do have gd legally, so she is safe. Now in a different town, a different guy (her rehab jewel of a man with several felonies), and here my grandsons go again. 

Hello, and I am a newbie too. Sounds like your DIL and mine are alike. Sorry you have to deal with that, it is hard isn't it? Does your DIL do what mine does and deliberately tell lies or start trouble to keep your son and the grandkids separated from you? In my case though, my son HAS to do as she says or agree with her or she makes his life AWFUL. I do not really understand this type of personality, and I also refuse to fight and argue about it...life is too short for all that. Sometimes in cases like this it ruins family relationships totally (it has for us). Hope it gets better for you.

Thanks again all for your responses. I will survive, I still have my grandaughter and we need to be healthy and stable to continue to raise her. She is a joy. I do think at times that I should not be raising kids anymore, I raised mine! However, I would not and could not ever turn away my grandchildren if they need me. She is very, very close to her "papa", and I am glad, it has made her a happy, caring, well behaved child. I had to tell grandson tonite that his mother was coming after him tomorrow, and he is sad. She had said she was coming Tuesday after school, but suddenly with no warning or explanation she changes the plan. My grandson said to me as I was tucking him in bed that his friend "Logan" would be disappointed because he was expecting to be able to say goodbye at school. I almost cried like a baby at his disappointment. I am glad I spent the day with the kids doing fun stuff. We got papas birthday gift bought, the kids chose a funny musical card for him, then we bought silly ink pens and ear muffs and gloves, and we had lunch out together. I look forward to hearing about the other issues on this web site, and I hope I can offer help in areas where I've experienced those things. Blessings to you all. Jane

Thank you for your kind words. I think you are absolutely correct, but it does sadden me a great deal. I cannot change my kids, I tried to raise them better than that but ultimately they make their own choices now. I still love them, but they have no sense of boundaries...I need to set those boundaries to keep myself healthy. I will always hope the best for my grandchildren of course, they will be the ones to suffer the most. Glad to have found this web site. Jane

Hello my name is Jane. First of all I must say that I love my 3 adult children very much. However, to be quite honest I am exhausted, sad, angry, confused, worried and hurt, and I have been dealing with their issues for many years. My kids have been into drugs (using and selling), have all had kids young and out of wedlock, been arrested, lied, stolen, and they have a serious sense of entitlement for some reason. I am raising one grandchild, and have all her life. She's 11. Her mother, my daughter,  is bipolar and  severe,  she is on disability. I have tried to help her , teach her to parent, I  helped financially (for 3 grandchildrens sake), my husband  got her husband jobs with benefits , he lost them due to drugs . Now they are divorced, she ended up in rehab for using needle drugs,  met a man there, and moved in with him a month later. She yanks my grandsons constantly. One grandson was in 6 schoosl last year, different towns, men etc. He has been with me for a few months because  daughter said he was not happy or treated fairly at her boyfriends house. BUT...she has been drawing welfare and food stamps on him. Family services found out and  going to cut her benefits, so she's jerking my grandson back to her boyfriends home because they need the welfare benefits! He is crushed, he is 7 years old. This will make the third school this year, is only just the end of the first quarter. My other child, a son is angry at us because he and his wife feel like we "DON'T DO ENOUGH FOR THEM" He has a good job, his wife chooses not to work, her parents only have a few grandkids and they help them a lot, but they expect MORE! They spend money for $500 football tickets, Wii and games, huge cell phone bills, and they eat out DAILY. Their daughter (one of my grandaughters) is 11, and is on facebook and her photos are sexually provocative, she puts her phone number on there, and adult men talk to her there, but my son defends it. I can't take any more, and there has been so much more. HELP!