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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: brandynd on April 16, 2011, 07:59:29 AM

Title: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: brandynd on April 16, 2011, 07:59:29 AM
Ladies,
It's been a minute since I've spoken to any of you!  Life took an...interesting toll for me in the last few months, and I do apologize for my sudden absence.  I promise I'll get to the point of my post, but I should probably catch you up on what's been going on since January!  Where to begin?  As many of you know, DH and I have yet to successfully carry a pregnancy to term, an issue that has been a huge source of hurt for us in the past year.
I went to my doctor and was diagnosed with PCOS.  This diagnosis explained a great deal, as I have always watched my diet and excercise, yet have been steadily gaining weight for 2 years.  The doc and I discussed it, and decided VSG surgery would be the best course of action to take, since not only would it help me lose the weight that I have gained, but also increase my odds in the battle TTC.  This was in February, and I'm now down about 40 pounds, and getting ready to hop back on the baby making train!  Woot!
Okay, anyways, as many DIL's on here can probably relate, the holidays can be a tricky juggling act when it comes to the in-laws.  DH and I are sick of having to divide our time and jump from house to house.  So, in an effort to establish our own traditions for our little family of two, I may have somehow accidentally volunteered myself to host Easter for both my family and his.  I have NO IDEA how this happened, but you know me, I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut when I should.  I have perpetual diarrhea of the mouth.  I can't help it--I just have this innate drive to prove to my MIL that I can do the wife thing and be a good hostess.  It just seems like nothing I do is ever good enough, so I find myself constantly trying to outdo myself without even thinking before I speak.  I'm pretty sure I can objectively say that this is one of my biggest flaws.  I'm a try-to-harder (that's a new term that I just made up).
So now we have both my parents, my little sister, & my nephew coming, as well as MIL, SIL's, their husbands, and all six of their children!  (Pause for slight hyperventilation)...I think I may have bit off more than I can chew.  But...I am DETERMINED to make this work.  I know MIL is hoping that I crash and burn just so she can hold this over my head (and that's not me thinking the worst.  She truly feels threatened that we refuse to do 2 trips a day on major holidays, and went so far as to call it unfair.)
MIL hates my mom, but that information was already put into a previous post, so I won't go into that story again.  I'm just hoping that I'm able to actually spend time in the kitchen cooking, and not using all my time acting as a referee in a boxing match!  So here come my questions...what on earth am I supposed to cook?  Ham, I know, but there's 17 people I have to feed, so I'm thinking the usual mashed potatoes, easter braided bread, and roasted green beans and leaks aren't going to do the trick.   
Hopefully someone on here has undertaken a giant meal with a single cook....DH's family doesn't believe in doing anything "potluck style", as they think it's tacky for the host to expect guests to supply any of the food to be consumed.  Help?  I work a full-time job, and I don't want to get up at 4am on Easter trying to prep everything.  I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut when it comes to trying to win over MIL.  :-\
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 16, 2011, 08:28:02 AM
Just because DH's family won't help bring anything, what about YOUR family? Could your mom help bring anything? Phew! That is a LOT of people! :-(
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 16, 2011, 03:23:24 PM
Okay...I popped back in b/c I can genuinely help with this idea and I love to cook!

ADil, I think she needs that pototo casserole recipe. What do you think? It is easy, not so expensive and you can make a lot of it the night before, and just reheat. If you didn't want to do that, you can do macaroni and cheese...it is great for kids and can also be made the night before, and also pretty easy. Deviled eggs are great to make the night before too.

Could you add some glazed carrots to your menu. They are super easy as well. A nice crisp salad would be great to make too.
I like to supply guests with a lot of appetizers first, they are fun, simpler to make, and makes the entree less burdensome.

17 people is a lot of people but you don't need all that much food to do it. I've done it several times and I always cook too much. I do try to cook what I can the night before, though.

Did you have plans for dessert? Scoop has a cute bunny cake you could make now and freeze until the big day. I'm going to try that, so long as I get my paper done.

You WILL be fine. Cooking reduces a lot of the tension I feel in family get togethers AND it makes me look pretty good in my MIL's eyes (plus, she can't turn down that potato casserole...). You're going to be great.

Good luck with the baby train! It took 5 years and lots of ups and downs but DD is finally here.  It is so hard. I hadn't read your posts before so I wasn't aware that you were going through all of that.









Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Rose799 on April 16, 2011, 03:58:59 PM
You can do this in advance, too, but don't warm it later, as the glaze will melt off...   Oh yeah, you'll be needing a torch~  ;D

Honey Baked Ham glaze

http://www.food.com/recipe/honeybaked-ham-glaze-140255
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Tara on April 16, 2011, 06:25:44 PM
Ok, I'd like to see that baked potato casserole.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 16, 2011, 07:23:41 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 11, 2011, 12:00:40 PM
Quote from: Scoop on April 11, 2011, 11:54:41 AM
I would really like to eat something called "yummy potato casserole" - I really hope that's the actual name, if not, it should be.

That's what the recipe was titled when it was given to me. :-)

Bag a frozen hashbrowns put into a casserole. Mix up a can of cream of chicken soup with a half cup of sour cream and 8 oz. of cheddar cheese. Pour this over the hash browns and bake at 350 for 30-40 minutes.

I always put extra cheddar on the top. And this time I am going to dice onion and green pepper to put in it. It is delicious. :-)

I mentioned I like to add crushed potato chips on top and bake it.

Pam then mentioned she likes to add crushed salt and pepper potato chips to hers.

It's not any good for you, but it's delicious!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 16, 2011, 09:19:28 PM
Thanks for poting the recipe, Holly! I just got back on. It is SUPER easy! AND The Bunny Cake!!! ADORABLE!!!!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Tara on April 16, 2011, 09:49:08 PM
Hi Holly,

thanks very much, I love potatoes!

Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 16, 2011, 10:52:36 PM
Is something like lasagna acceptable for Easter?  Hmmm  lasagna and deviled eggs.. not sure about that combo.. but a casserole might be easier
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 16, 2011, 10:53:21 PM
It was as the first course in Italy! But then they brought out lamb, rabbit and veal for the second course. :(
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 16, 2011, 10:54:45 PM
wonder if they have gall bladder problems in Italy
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 16, 2011, 11:13:45 PM
Looks like this year I will only be eating what the Easter bunny brings, i.e. chocolate.  Easter at the in laws!  Actually, it's not so bad, I'm going to bring fruit. 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 17, 2011, 09:38:59 AM
Hi Pam... I'd make a big fresh fruit salad and really enjoy it..... I'm a big fan of orange chocolate..makes it sound healthier
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 17, 2011, 02:55:11 PM
Ugh, orange chocolate is yucky!  Or maybe, as I'm coming to find out here, the only kind I have had is yucky!

I'm going to bring spanikopita too.  I just realized that since she always brings extra food to my parties, she probably won't mind if I do it to hers lol. 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 17, 2011, 08:17:27 PM
spanikopita... can't say I've ever had it but looked it up on the net..... looks yummy
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Tara on April 17, 2011, 09:56:32 PM
It is!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: forever spring on April 18, 2011, 01:46:49 AM
I lived in New Zealand for a while. They have a custom called 'bring a plate', (it's like pot luck really). It makes for stressfree, laid-back dining with lots of varied delicious food stuff. what's not to like about that?
Jamie Oliver does great casseroles to be made beforehand. Check the website. That's the secret, be prepared and have the things ready before they arrive.
I look forward to hearing what you have to say after the event. Meanwhile good luck and for the next event, try and make them like the 'bring a plate' idea! It's what the Kiwis do and they live in the lifestyle capital of the world. It could catch on where you are.
:) :)
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Scoop on April 18, 2011, 06:07:46 AM
I always find that the more dishes you prepare, the more people eat ... because they want to try everything!  So I would keep it simple.

- a ham, have you seen the spiral cut hams?  They're really good and already cut into small slices, and thus much easier to serve
- mashed potatoes (give one of the men the job of mashing)
- green beans - steamed is healthier, put them in a casserole dish, cover with cling film and pop them in the microwave
- bread - just buy some buns so you don't even have to slice the braided Easter bread
- to please the kids, have some veggies & dip (ranch salad dressing is fine)
- maybe a pickle tray?  sweet pickles go well with ham

This is just going to take some planning on your part.  Based on the length of time to cook everything, make yourself a schedule working backwards from when you want to eat.  Include the time to get everyone and everything to the table.

Speaking of which, set your table the night before, so it's ready.  (You and Dh can have toast on paper plates for breakfast!)  Have your serving dishes and serving spoons ect out and ready (with a tag in each one), have your hot pads or table protectors ready and on the table, so you know what goes where.

Do you have seating for 17 people?  (Also, I only counted 15 - check your numbers.)  Are the kids of an age to have a "kids table" using your patio set or something?

The most important point is to be confident in your choices.  It doesn't matter how it's always been done, this is how YOU wanted to do it.  And HEY! it's always fun to try new things, right?
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 18, 2011, 06:43:04 AM
Quote from: Scoop on April 18, 2011, 06:07:46 AM
Do you have seating for 17 people?  (Also, I only counted 15 - check your numbers.)  Are the kids of an age to have a "kids table" using your patio set or something?


I think #16 and #17 are Her and her DH. I KNOW I wouldn't have seating for 17! Phew! That's a LOT of people.

On the "fruit" idea. I'm going to be making a fruit salad that my mom used to make. It takes a BIG (number10?) can of fruit salad. A Can of pinapple chunks, a can of peaches (I like extra peaches lol), and a can of mandarrin oranges. The pineapple, oranges and peaches get drainned. Put it all in a big bowl then add 2 boxes of vanilla pudding. Just the powder. It will thicken up the juices and make it sweet and "soupy" and ruin any nutritional value! lol It is actually VERY easy to make and DELICIOUS. Plus it gets made the day before. You can add sliced bananas, but they have to be done right before you serve or they get icky.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 18, 2011, 06:46:51 AM
ADIL, sometimes I do the old 80's watermelon thing where you scoop it all out with this little tool that makes everything into balls.  And then put watermelon, cantaloupe, that green melon etc balls back into the watermelon.  You can even cut the watermelon as a basket. 

Oh, and you can add liquor too.  One watermelon ball is like a shot lol, so watch out!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 18, 2011, 06:49:03 AM
Oh, Pam! You just said the magic word! LIQUOR!!!! LOL

Did you hear about the kid at applebee's who got a margarita in his sippy cup?!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 18, 2011, 06:55:42 AM
LOL, just be careful.  Those balls can get dangerous.

OMG, no I didn't hear that. 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: SunnyDays09 on April 18, 2011, 07:01:20 AM
Last thing I would do is add liquor to anything.  Our little get togethers counted over 30 people!  YIKES.  How the heck did I carry those things off?  We have a store near us that you can buy industrial size foods:  veggies, snacks, etc.  I used the for graduation parties. 

I also bought a glazed spiral ham and sliced turkey breast from some ham store, too. 

When I got calls asking "can I bring anything"  I said yes.  Sure.  Dessert?  Veggie/dip tray? 

  A side note here:  Have you heard of  chiral balance for your pcos?  My dd has that, too and is taking chiral balance.  I also purchase a certain flour that is gluten free and has D-chiro-inositol.  Not easy to work with at all.  She isn't trying to get pregnant, she says she just wants to be a normal ovulating female.   
  Good luck to you with your pcos.  I understand what you are going thru. 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 18, 2011, 08:29:41 AM
Well thought out Scoop .... If this is an informal dinner I also have a drink station, and I put one as well on the back porch, that way I can have sodas on ice since most kids like drinking from the can.  I actually have large plastic flower pots  that I use as the ice tubs... filling one with sodas the other with beer and a bottle or two of wine.

I love the spiral hams as mentioned by HappyDays.... Honeybaked puts out great hams but I heard that Sam's Club has good ones as well. 

But Scoop is right... the more you can do the night before the better off you are.. I also try not to have to cook for ourselves the night before.. a quick  dinner out saves your feet and legs for other things..... Oh one more thing.. make sure you leave out extra toilet paper so people don't feel like they are snooping to find more:) 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: SunnyDays09 on April 18, 2011, 08:41:02 AM
Sam's Club!!!  Thats the place!  (Had to bring my sis for she was the one that belonged). 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Tara on April 18, 2011, 08:12:52 PM
My mom used to get the best honey baked hams for holidays.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: brandynd on April 19, 2011, 03:05:04 PM
Hey ladies!
So I went and got a spiral ham...although I think I'm going to have to buy another one, because this one only weighs 11 pounds and there are 17 of us.  Soo....looks like I'll be going back to the store this week!
On a lighter note, I got my menu worked out.  I swear I could kill DH though....every dish I bring up he's like "You should call sister#1," or "I don't think sister #2 will eat that..."
Last I checked I was hosting this thing, and as such I think I'm entitled to decide what it is that I want to cook.  The way I was raised when somebody cooks for you you don't get to be finicky.  If you don't like something don't eat it.  Ugh....just frustrated I guess.  Anyways, without further adieu, here is my Easter menu!
Appetizers
Goat Cheese bruschetta
Cucumber yougurt dip with homemade pita chips
Shrimp Cocktail
stuffed mushrooms
veggie tray

Side Dishes
Mashed Potatoes
Baked Leeks with Cheese and Yogurt Sauce
Corn Salad
Ambrosia Salad
Homemade Macaroni and cheese
Grilled asparagus and proscuitto salad


Dessert
Key Lime Pie
Berry Trifle
Vanilla berry tart

You would think with all of the food on that menu, plus the deviled eggs and bunny cake my mom will be bringing it's more than enough variety to satisfy even the most finicky eaters.  I guess we'll wait and see.  Wish me luck...I'm starting prep work and desserts saturday afternoon as well as the salads so all I'll have to do on easter is cook the ham and mash some potatoes and such!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 19, 2011, 03:16:30 PM
Baked Leeks with Cheese and Yogurt Sauce -- not sure about this one.. not really southern cookin is it

Corn Salad -- what is this.. sounds interesting
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 19, 2011, 03:20:02 PM
TheLastStraw....

You better up your number to 19. I'm coming over. Your menu sounds delicious AND original. Sounds like you have it all planned out. You'll be great!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Hope on April 19, 2011, 03:45:38 PM
TLS,
Sounds yummmmmy!  You are going to be a big hit.  I like how our friends suggested setting the table in advance.  I do that, too.  I set the tables, set out the serving spoons, trivets, etc., and do EVERYTHING possible the day/night before.  You can wrap your utentils in napkins if you care to.   It's always nice to have some fun music on when your guests arrive while they enjoy your appetizers.  This is going to be the Easter to remember and you will be known as the hostess with the mostest.
Great job planning!
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Rose799 on April 19, 2011, 05:07:14 PM
It sounds great, TLS!   If Mil doesn't ask for recipes, take it as a compliment...   : )
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 19, 2011, 06:11:59 PM
Dang, Girl! You're going all out! It's like a 5 star restaurant! What time should I be over???? LOL
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: brandynd on April 19, 2011, 09:34:07 PM
Quote from: Laurie on April 19, 2011, 03:16:30 PM
Baked Leeks with Cheese and Yogurt Sauce -- not sure about this one.. not really southern cookin is it

Corn Salad -- what is this.. sounds interesting

The baked leeks are actually covered in a parmesan and plain yogurt sauce....it almost tastes like creamed spinach but it's a bit lighter and has more of an almost garlic flavor from the leeks baking together.  It's yummy and relatively decent for you!

The corn salad is made by either boiling or grilling corn on the cob (I like mine grilled), and then stripping the kernels from the cob.  After that you mix it with red onion, balsamic vinegar, lime juice, and either basil, parsely, or cilantro (depending upon your personal taste) and then either serving it room temperature or cold!  It's a really light dish, and the flavors are absolutely wonderful together!  I love the balance that the acid and fresh herbs give it.  It's like a flavor party on your palette!

I'm a bit of a cooking freak, and I like to try new and different recipes.  I actually considered going to culinary school for a while, but I hate cleaning up!  Lol.  I just get worried because I want everyone to love my food, and so it makes me nervous when I have to cook for DH's family.  Since I had surgery I'm really careful about what products I cook with (processed foods are not typically allowed in my home), and I'm incredibly health conscious, so I'm trying to lighten up dishes wherever I can.

I'll be spending the rest of the week tweaking recipes as needed so that I can eat them without getting sick, as well as trying to find ways that I can compromise my own strict guidelines for "no go foods" so that DH's family doesn't feel like they're on a different planet when attempting to eat my food (none of them are particularly health conscious, they come from a family with AMAZING metabolism). 

Anyways, I better get going.  I had class all night and I'm incredibly drained.  I have to be up in 6 hours to head to work tomorrow.  Ugh!  Wish me luck ladies!  Oh...hahahaha....and feel free to hop a plane out for Easter....I'll cook you some nom noms..
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Tara on April 19, 2011, 10:18:03 PM
Hey, you've done a great organizing and planning job.

Have fun!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Pen on April 20, 2011, 07:20:06 AM
TLS, it's obvious you enjoy putting on a big spread for your family. It sounds like you've got it all together, but don't stress over little things at the last minute. Enjoy the prep work and enjoy the day!

We won't know how many people will be here for Easter until the last minute, so I'm cruising...easy, simple, last-minute-expandable. I might do the good china thing or just perk up the table with blossoms/greenery brought in and strewn about with other seasonal items. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who cares much. DH just wants to be fed in a timely manner.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 07:46:58 AM
My menu will be two large T-Bones on the grill... fresh corn on the cob and a salad... for dessert a game of pool and a long walk around the pond (If I can move after all that beef) ... I'm ready... come on Easter
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: stilltryen on April 20, 2011, 08:36:50 AM
Sounds like a great menu.  My DS and DIL got married and for a year and a half never invited hubby and I to their home for anything.  Her parents, of course, were invited to dinner at least 2 or 3 times a month.  When, during a conversation last April, I pointed this out to DS, we were invited over for Mother's Day.

When we arrived, they said they had spent the morning at breakfast with her parents.  Obviously - as the house didn't appear to have been touched in the year and a half since they'd married.  Honestly, there was thick dust all over, they have two dogs and there was dog hair, etc., cobwebs everywhere - not good.  I'm certainly not Lady Lysol, but I would never ask guests over and not clean my home.  Then our "dinner" was served.  A hamburger with mushrooms on a bun.  No, no chips.  No tomatoes, pickles, lettuce - no potato salad, no barbecue beans, nothing else, nope, nope and nope.  They did have ketchup and mustard tho!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 08:50:59 AM
I've never thought to serve mushrooms with my burgers to guest.. now that part was a great idea

That might have been a description of me, once upon a time.... I wasn't the greatest hostess, nor the best housekeeper... something finally clicked, not only guest but I was more comfortable in a clean house and I was happier when my guest would say.. oh that meal was wonderful.. way to much food but wonderful. 

I think some people begin to value more what they have worked hard for and realize that taking care of these material possessions are to their own benefit... others are happy having that layer of dust and dog hair.  As far as being treated properly as a guest..you can only show my example and next time (and I would push for a next time) find out the menu and bring a side dish to contribute.  Until then, have that late afternoon glass of wine and thank your lucky stars they are not living in your home.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 08:57:38 AM
Dang... show BY example...  it must be late afternoon already
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 20, 2011, 09:06:19 AM
You really met "my." You were trying to brag.  :P
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: stilltryen on April 20, 2011, 09:17:02 AM
Laurie, as I mentioned, I am no Lady Lysol myself.  In fact, I just walked in for more coffee to the kitchen and I can see dust bunnies all around in the front room.  Something tells me I should get off the computer and go clean.  I've never had cobwebs hanging off the ceiling to that extent, nor have I had dust that piled up (funny note here, DIL claims she's "allergic" to dust, yet never dusts).  However, when I've invited guests (which I rarely do, because I don't want to clean), I CLEAN it up for them.  Nope, I'm still not going to turn the house into sparkle city, but the main areas where guests will be, yeah.  I sweep, vacuum, dust, etc.

I know her parents.  Her parents always have their house clean and her mother has excellent dinners.  DS & DIL have never been to our house for dinner and been served one thing.  We felt like they felt obligated to invite us, but weren't going to go out of their way.  So what was the purpose of the invite?  It was just silly.  I'd rather not be invited than to feel like a guest who's simply being tolerated for a couple of hours.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 09:29:39 AM
I agree 100% Stilltryen.. 100% ... the last thing I want to be is the fulfilled obligation. 

When I walk into my ds/dil's house I can only pray that I'm not judged by their housekeeping abilities :)  I often think to myself.. wow and they knew we were coming.. lol.. what did it look like before they cleaned up?   I hope that either they will change in time, or I'll have to stop having that laser eye surgery and return to my former blindness :) 

Feeling like an obligation and not a guest is the real issue you have... I get that, and it's a legit qualm .. what you can do about it?  who knows, this seems to be our common denominator here.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 20, 2011, 09:38:04 AM
That "dinner," and I use the term loosely, was meant to be a message to you. That message would be: "We are having you over to shut your yap. We don't want you to have a good experience because then you might demand to come back more. You should be happy with the amount of time you are given because as DIL MY family is WAY more important than You. So stick that in your juicebox and Suck it, MIL!"

Does that sound about right? lol

I'm a "neat" freak and don't allow anyone in my house if it isn't clean, but admittedly I don't think I've ever dusted our house in the 10.5 months we've lived there. Should I break out the swiffer? lol
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Hope on April 20, 2011, 09:58:54 AM
What my wonderful sister/bil do is help out doing whatever home repairs, renovations, sewing drapes, etc. that their ds/dil want done and leave before they wear out their welcome.  They often stay at a hotel rather than in one of their ds's spare bedrooms out of consideration for their dil.  My bil says he wants them to be left feeling like they want more, rather than the opposite.  I know it's not everyone's wish to do all that work for their adult kids, but they really enjoy it.  They are such awesome parents, but they are not exempt from the same fate as the rest of us.  Their one daughter blames all her problems on them, while she is married to a very selfish, controlling husband and their dil has caused them some real heartache.  The attitude that has made all the difference in their lives is to expect nothing and be grateful for anything they get.  They don't dwell on the negative and are genuinely happy people.  They had to learn as they went - they struggled themselves at first.  They have accepted that their ds/dil/gc's relationship with them will never be what they wanted, but it is still a viable relationship.  Not a fair one - their dil's parents get all kinds of preferential treatment.  My ds/bil spend a lot of time vacationing, doing mission work, home projects, exercising, dancing, etc.  They are hardly ever home.  They have moved on and found the love of life they had before kids (sound familiar, Luise?)
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 10:01:38 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 20, 2011, 09:38:04 AM
That "dinner," and I use the term loosely, was meant to be a message to you. That message would be: "We are having you over to shut your yap. We don't want you to have a good experience because then you might demand to come back more. You should be happy with the amount of time you are given because as DIL MY family is WAY more important than You. So stick that in your juicebox and Suck it, MIL!"

Does that sound about right? lol

I'm a "neat" freak and don't allow anyone in my house if it isn't clean, but admittedly I don't think I've ever dusted our house in the 10.5 months we've lived there. Should I break out the swiffer? lol

I hope it wasn't a message but instead poor hostess abilities... I think that if it bothers her that eventually it may come up in conversation... I would have been saying something as I ate.. like hey you two on welfare now because this is sure a limited dinner.  But then again my kids expect me to say something.

Adil.. seriously you haven't dusted in 10.5 months ... I guess there is a difference in being a neat-freak vs a clean-freak .. my dh wants EVERYTHING in it's place.. I want the place to be clean before things are put there.  I've found that it's probably a better balance not to be compulsive about either and just keep it all picked up and clean.

Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 20, 2011, 10:20:36 AM
Quote from: Laurie on April 20, 2011, 10:01:38 AM
Adil.. seriously you haven't dusted in 10.5 months ... I guess there is a difference in being a neat-freak vs a clean-freak .. my dh wants EVERYTHING in it's place.. I want the place to be clean before things are put there.  I've found that it's probably a better balance not to be compulsive about either and just keep it all picked up and clean.



Are you offering to come dust for me???????? Because that would be lovely! LOL
I can vaccuum, do laundry, wash dishes, scrub bathrooms like there's no tomorrow, but dusting! Ugh! I hate it! lol
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 10:21:45 AM
No I wouldn't come dust for you, but you can bet that I would write a message in that dust
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 20, 2011, 10:23:54 AM
So soon all my furniture will say "Help me! I'm choking! *cough*" lol
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 20, 2011, 10:25:05 AM
Dusting makes everything look nice, new and shiny. I find that dusting make some things last longer too. But, that's my military background talking.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 10:30:24 AM
I have this product that I talked about before called Protect All... it is wonderful.. I use it on my wood, my car, the interior of my car.. my countertops if I'm looking for a good polishing between the vinegar cleanings... anyway it repels dust as well, and really does help to protect the furniture.  I find dusting not only good for the looks of my house, but minimized health issues are well. And it's something I can do while allowing my mind to wander onto other things in life, or those unsolvable world problems.. so I guess that dusting is therapeutic in a sense...  http://www.protectall.com/searchresult.aspx?CategoryID=4
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 20, 2011, 10:32:06 AM
I've always wondered...how does something repel dust? I've never bought anything on that premise, b/c I just figured it was a sales gimmick. Am I wrong?
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 10:50:32 AM
it's not so much repels but does not really attract or encourages dust to stick... but I do believe that I dust less using this stuff.. and the fact that can polish anything with it.. it's absolutely wonderful on the dashboard of my car
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: stilltryen on April 20, 2011, 11:24:27 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 20, 2011, 09:38:04 AM
That "dinner," and I use the term loosely, was meant to be a message to you. That message would be: "We are having you over to shut your yap. We don't want you to have a good experience because then you might demand to come back more. You should be happy with the amount of time you are given because as DIL MY family is WAY more important than You. So stick that in your juicebox and Suck it, MIL!"

Does that sound about right? lol

I'm a "neat" freak and don't allow anyone in my house if it isn't clean, but admittedly I don't think I've ever dusted our house in the 10.5 months we've lived there. Should I break out the swiffer? lol

Funny!  We got it, and we absolutely know - her family is DEFINITELY far more important than us.  No question about it.  However, it's not just DIL, DS grew up with us - how he thought that was going to be acceptable is beyond me.  They asked us over for dinner one more time, and they had a much better dinner (chicken, beans, etc.) AND the house had clearly been somewhat cleared.  Progress!!!  Evidently that was enough, we've not been invited back.  Fine.

So a few days ago, it evidently occurred to DS that it's been almost a year again.  He calls and says, "What are you guys doing for Easter?"  I said, "You know, between your brother moving out, your aunt with the chemo, blah, blah, we really haven't thought about it."  He says, "Well, we're having her parents over for dinner, do you guys want to get together for breakfast?"  I said, "That sounds good."  He then pops up, "We could go to your house, if you want."  I'm thinking, "WHAT??"  You're asking us to get together and then I have to host it?  If I wanted that, wouldn't I have called you?"  I told him I'd think about it.  I haven't called him back.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 11:31:07 AM
If you have the time, I'd call him back and say sure, let's do an Easter brunch.  You'll probably be more comfortable in your own home, you'll certainly have total control over the menu and the the cleanliness of your surroundings.. a lot can be done ahead of time so you can donate all the time towards interacting with your son and his family.  I'd proceed to stuff them so full that all they will want for dinner is a hamburger and no sides :) 

It actually sounds like a wonderful day in the making... I vote to go with it... and follow our new motto... "Don't fight the love"
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Scoop on April 20, 2011, 11:39:38 AM
ST for the original dinner, is it possible that DIL put DS in charge of the menu?  It would be a typical (cave)man thing to do, serve meat - ar, ar, arrrr.  Maybe HE was in charge of cleaning too?

Because, things are tense between my IL's and me, and I *HATE* that I put forth all of the effort when we're hosting MY family AND I have to put forth all of the effort when we're hosting HIS family.   So it's become his family, his problem.  If he wanted it clean, he could have cleaned, if he wanted side dishes, he could have made them.  (Heck, I would be happy with help in just PLANNING everything.) 

I'm just saying that it might be saying more about the dynamic in their marriage than about you.

As for Easter, why don't you guys meet somewhere for brunch? 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 20, 2011, 11:55:55 AM
Scoop, I think you are on to something. I hear a lot of DIL's doing the "it's your family, you take care of them" thing with b-day cards, gifts, etc. What happens? DH's family gets nothing. Who gets blamed? DIL when it was really DS's fault..... So maybe the dinner was DS's job.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 20, 2011, 11:58:04 AM
IDK, DH helps my dad change his breaks and intall carpeting when he needs it. I do not think that is my job. LOL.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 12:03:44 PM
Does that mean that the only time you do something as a united couple is when it involves, your child?  This logic doesn't sound all that reasonable or conducive towards a loving family unit.  Going by that theory does that mean that at meals I should only offer food to my son.. or a Christmas gift to my family members?  I would not dream of it..
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 20, 2011, 12:55:14 PM
I don't think it always means you're separated on everything.  I have at times delegated who does what along the lines of his family = his problem.  Simply b/c I feel that their level of involvement is too uncomfortable for me, it's not something I would do for my FOO and I think DH gets a better idea of what's normal/not normal by having to do it himself.

And I get tired of the blame game, so if I'm going to be a monster for not doing everything they exactly want, I might as well not do anything lol.  Not very mature, I know.

Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 01:04:12 PM
I guess this is when I stop and ask myself.. how would I tell my daughter to handle the same situation. 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Hope on April 20, 2011, 02:41:49 PM
I hear what you're saying about not wanting to be the social secretary for both sides of the family.  Maybe the younger generation of dh's aren't getting it b/c their dm's handled the family social arrangements for the most part when they were growing up and they feel uncomfortable with it.  Imho I think social planning comes easier for women.  But I really wish our ds did  do the social planning for him and his dw when it involves us - I don't think it would be such a hassle to agree on a day.  Btw, we have never been invited to ds/dil's house for dinner or even just to visit (unless it was a party).
Pam, could it be that your in-laws are just asking for time with you in a different way than your foo?  In other words, maybe they want to get together to celebrate let's say family birthdays which your foo doesn't do, but then your foo drops in to visit at your house or some other type of get togethers that dh's foo doesn't do.  When you consider all the angles, is his foo really asking for more of your time?
I love Scoop's idea of eating brunch out......but then, I never turn down going out to eat!   ;D  Hope it all works out for you.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: stilltryen on April 20, 2011, 02:43:13 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 20, 2011, 11:55:55 AM
Scoop, I think you are on to something. I hear a lot of DIL's doing the "it's your family, you take care of them" thing with b-day cards, gifts, etc. What happens? DH's family gets nothing. Who gets blamed? DIL when it was really DS's fault..... So maybe the dinner was DS's job.

I know that DH would never remember stuff for his family, like anniversaries, birthdays, etc., so I automatically stepped in and made sure that I got cards, etc., so to me - when DS and DIL got married, they became a unit, acting in cohesion, but I could be old-fashioned.  I know and have read here that a lot of DIL's have this position - "your family, your problem."  If this was, indeed, my DIL's position, I could accept that.  HOWEVER, I know, for a fact, that when HER parents go over (which they do ALL the time, at least once a month), DS has to grill food for them, he helps her with the menu, cleaning, etc., it would seem extremely disingenuous of her to take this attitude.  If this is the case, she should clearly refuse his assistance when her family comes over.  I know DS would never in a million years tell her, "your family, your problem."
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 20, 2011, 02:50:46 PM
Hope, I guess I don't see it as too much different than what you're saying.  No, my FOO does not do that and at the same time, I'm still highly uncomfortable with the in laws.  One year it was over 30 weekends out of 52 that we either spent the whole weekend with them or part of it. 

Celebrating birthdays in the way they do -- all day, with presents, singing and cake (for adults) complete with disney movie and chalk drawing is not my kind of day. 

I think what they do on their own is fine, whatever works for them.  *I* don't like it and I think it's kind of crazy.  Either way, I really don't think it's up to me to make or break their bdays and special days.  I'm a person too, that just doesn't like that kind of stuff.

I also think visiting once per holiday is more than enough, they want the day before a holiday, the day of and the day after.  In my FOO, you host, you cook and clean on your own without complaining or trying to get other people to do your duty work.  So yes, partly it was because it was how I was raised and partly it is because I just don't like it.  I also don't like some of their behavior, DH's siblings don't act grown up and a lot try to steal the spotlight from little kids.  They also tend to yell and cry at each other or their parents.  Some are bossy and plain miserable to be around.

We went our first two years of marriage spending every holiday with them and they still complained.  Sometimes you're not going to please everyone and I've gotten to the point where I'm fine with it.  They don't like what I do now and I'm miserable too?  Well I can certainly control how miserable I am lol  which means no more of this extended time stuff and not every holiday.  Oh well
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: seasage on April 20, 2011, 03:09:07 PM
Laurie,  I like reading your thoughts and your advice on this.  Good posts!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 20, 2011, 03:11:07 PM
Oh and I forgot in my little rant my biggest pet peeve, they don't make plans!  So after much to do about the time to come over and what to bring and then they finally get it all set....we come over and I'm given a set of chalk to draw my favorite disney character (I don't even have one!)  Well, lets just say my FOO doesn't do that and no, I don't like it. 

It's not just what my FOO does or doesn't do, I guess that's what I'm trying to say.  I don't like what my in laws do.  I can be a good sport sometimes but definitely not all the time with this crew.  And since no matter what I do is going to be complained about, I've just kind of given up.  I do things on my own terms so that way I can at least be comfortable with myself.

Ah, it does bug me that one of you can't be my MIL though.  Pen talks about her interesting and grown up conversations she likes to have, I only wish.  Laurie and Pooh seem like a hoot.  Tara you can tell is very knowledgeable.  There are so many of you here that I would love to nuzzle up to and call Mommy...LOL
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Hope on April 20, 2011, 03:29:41 PM
Pam,
Sorry - I misunderstood your situation.  If I read about it before, I forgot.  I agree with you about too much holiday time together.  When are you suppose to see your family?  It seems reasonable to either shorten the visits and spend equal time with both sides each holiday or rotate the holidays between families.  A holiday that lasts three days is a bit much for anyone.  I know it's really difficult for our dc to be everywhere they are invited.  It takes all the fun out of the holidays for ds/dil.  I think they go to at least six houses between Christmas eve and Christmas day.  The only one that we invite them to is our own family.  Then they have extended family invitations on both sides galore.  I doubt that will continue - they were not too happy this past Christmas having to run all those places with a baby in tow and I don't blame them. 
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: SunnyDays09 on April 20, 2011, 03:50:30 PM
When I married my dh, the baby somewhat, all the holidays were pretty much taken up by the others.  Oh well.  Even if I tried to have something at our place, it was met with alot of resistance.  I soldiered on. 

But I understand what Pam is saying, I can so relate, I just didn't like their way of celebrating the holidays.  And I get the no matter what I do, I am going to be complained about, too.


Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: stilltryen on April 20, 2011, 05:40:02 PM
Quote from: Laurie on April 20, 2011, 11:31:07 AM
If you have the time, I'd call him back and say sure, let's do an Easter brunch.  You'll probably be more comfortable in your own home, you'll certainly have total control over the menu and the the cleanliness of your surroundings.. a lot can be done ahead of time so you can donate all the time towards interacting with your son and his family.  I'd proceed to stuff them so full that all they will want for dinner is a hamburger and no sides :) 

It actually sounds like a wonderful day in the making... I vote to go with it... and follow our new motto... "Don't fight the love"

If we reverse this situation, what do you think would happen?  What if I had called DS and asked him about having dinner Saturday night, then when he would say, "Sure," I would say, "Fine.  We'll be at your house at 6:00."  How well do you think that would have gone over?  IMHO, you don't call ANYONE and ask them about getting together for an event, then cheerfully put them on the hook for it.  If I call someone about getting together at my house, then I have the social engagement at my house.  Otherwise it's a restaurant, but I never call and volunteer their home.  I'm tired of always having stuff at my house.  When I got married, we bought a big home.  Since then I've had 98% of birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Father's Day, 4th of July, Mother's Day, Easter, etc. at my house.  Now I'm tired and rebelling.  Enough.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 20, 2011, 05:43:17 PM
I wish someone would let me be on the hook for festivities once in awhile. I'd be flattered. I don't invite people over simply b/c I find myself boring...why bore them? I'd prefer them to tell me they're stopping by and when...I will take care of the rest.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 05:45:49 PM
you have every right to balk. and you're right it was not the best way to approach the holiday.  I'd just be happy to spend the time with them and well not in their dirty house eating hamburgers.  But you are right, if you feel like a restaurant, then don't do it... I thought the point was quality time with your son and family.. I apologize for misunderstanding
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Rose799 on April 20, 2011, 05:59:23 PM
Boring?  I'd be content observing what all you can do with that famous lemon zester~   ;D
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 20, 2011, 06:01:44 PM
At least someone appreciates all my talk about my lemon zester! LOL.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Rose799 on April 20, 2011, 06:07:02 PM
Quote from: Holly on April 20, 2011, 06:01:44 PM
At least someone appreciates all my talk about my lemon zester! LOL.

Lemon chicken, lemon meringue pie, lemonade, lemon bars...   ;D ;D
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 06:08:36 PM
I looked up lemon zesters online when you broke yours.. but here you can zest yet be zester free
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bd0CZ_5s65s
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: stilltryen on April 20, 2011, 06:12:08 PM
Quote from: Laurie on April 20, 2011, 05:45:49 PM
you have every right to balk. and you're right it was not the best way to approach the holiday.  I'd just be happy to spend the time with them and well not in their dirty house eating hamburgers.  But you are right, if you feel like a restaurant, then don't do it... I thought the point was quality time with your son and family.. I apologize for misunderstanding

No, no - you're right.  I'd love to see them on Easter - but I'm not happy with the way it was approached.  Had he called and said, "Gee mom, we'd love to get together on Easter, but we're having her folks over for dinner and it's hard to have everyone here on the same day.  Are you up to meeting somewhere for breakfast brunch?  I'll be happy to look for a place and make the reservations."  Now THAT would have been great.  I might have even said, "Oh, it's too expensive to eat out, how about we do a potluck at our house?"  As it was, I thought he was being rude - practically saying that they're okay making dinner for her parents, but it's way too hard to fry an egg for us.  Then again, maybe I'm just prickly right now because of the whole watching my gd issue and how hard DIL is trying to make that.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 20, 2011, 06:16:11 PM
Thanks Laurie....now I need a curved grater.

(I tried the grater before, but I  think it was flat and I hit the white part too fast).

Rose...DH and I just had a good laugh about your "I want to be like mommy post." I had to wait to come home to view it. LOL!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 20, 2011, 06:27:34 PM
Hope, lol thanks.  It gave me a chance to get some stuff off my chest.  As far as the strides I've made with MIL this past month, I'm still nervous about Easter.  We aren't going over the day before or the day after -- however, I asked how many people were coming so I can bring the dish she requested and she said 30.  Well, hmm...were are these 30 people coming from.  I know for a fact 3 of her children and their spouses and children won't be there so by my estimation it should be around 15, which I think is an excellent chance for a nice peaceful holiday.  (we normally have huge functions with her friends of the moment you never see again and other peoples in laws etc)

And she won't give up the invite list.  It's not a humongous deal to me but just another thing that adds up.  It adds up monetarily, think every holiday we are buying all this food for and huge amounts of people.  It adds up for DH, he is an introvert and forced interaction at family holidays with strangers is very stressful to him.  And it's stressful for me having to deal with him.  And DD has to be on best manners instead of enjoying a holiday.

Ahhh, yeah I needed to get that out.  I don't understand why she isn't clear with her plans and let everyone know up front.  I do know that I'm not allowed to host a holiday but I told DH last week that I'm just going to do it when I'm ready.  Send out invites a month in advance without talking about it. 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 21, 2011, 05:32:52 AM
Quote from: stilltryen on April 20, 2011, 02:43:13 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 20, 2011, 11:55:55 AM
Scoop, I think you are on to something. I hear a lot of DIL's doing the "it's your family, you take care of them" thing with b-day cards, gifts, etc. What happens? DH's family gets nothing. Who gets blamed? DIL when it was really DS's fault..... So maybe the dinner was DS's job.

I know that DH would never remember stuff for his family, like anniversaries, birthdays, etc., so I automatically stepped in and made sure that I got cards, etc., so to me - when DS and DIL got married, they became a unit, acting in cohesion, but I could be old-fashioned.  I know and have read here that a lot of DIL's have this position - "your family, your problem."  If this was, indeed, my DIL's position, I could accept that.  HOWEVER, I know, for a fact, that when HER parents go over (which they do ALL the time, at least once a month), DS has to grill food for them, he helps her with the menu, cleaning, etc., it would seem extremely disingenuous of her to take this attitude.  If this is the case, she should clearly refuse his assistance when her family comes over.  I know DS would never in a million years tell her, "your family, your problem."

Interesting perspective. BUT, I am sure DIL says "Hey my parents are coming over, I want to have kabobs on the grill." DS KNOWS that he is to grill. BUT DS probably doesn't ask for assistance from DIL.

IF my DH asked me to pick up XXX as a gift for his mom for Mother's Day. I would be more than happy to do it. I will NOT however be the one who has to think to come up with a gift for her. She isn't my mother and it isn't my job. Now, I might be out and about and see something that I think MIL might like and suggest it to DH, but it is ultimately his responsibility.

And yes, we are a unti. A VERY good unti. But that means an equal partnership. Not me being his slave for all things family.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 21, 2011, 05:42:22 AM
Quote from: stilltryen on April 20, 2011, 06:12:08 PM
As it was, I thought he was being rude - practically saying that they're okay making dinner for her parents, but it's way too hard to fry an egg for us.  Then again, maybe I'm just prickly right now because of the whole watching my gd issue and how hard DIL is trying to make that.

I would NEVER EVER have one side of the family over for one meal and the other side for another meal in the same day. It would be too much for me to take.  :-\

I also wouldn't have both my parents and DH's family (never just his parents, they come as a Unit even though only one is still a kid) over together because, well, My Mom doesn't like MIL. And you know what, I'm not going to make her uncomfortable. There is no rule that states that we have to have "crossover" events.

I am a firm believer in the alternating holidays technique. Easter is with DH's family, Mother's Day with mine, Father's Day with his and so forth. I know my MIL doesn't like that. She wants all the holidays. Too bad.

Sorry, if this is too "blunt," my tact is on the fritz this morning. My brother and SIL are giving us a LOT of issues right now. And for once, MIL is being good. If they all acted up at once, I think my head would explode! lol
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Scoop on April 21, 2011, 06:03:13 AM
I've said it before, I'll say it again.  It's insulting to men for us to assume that they can't work a calendar.  And really, with the technology we have today and how keen on it they are, they can learn to program dates into their phone / e-mail calendar.

So ST, do you want your DS to act like a friend or like a son?  Because, no, a friend doesn't invite you for brunch and then ask you to host it.  BUT a son may assume that you WANT to host it, because you've always hosted it.  And because he doesn't want to see the look on your face when you see how messy his house is.  There's a whole layer of familiarity and a LOT more history between you and your DS.

I also don't think that the parent / adult-child relationship is ever truly a 2 way street.  At best, it's 1-3/4, with the parent giving more and the adult-child taking more.  Up until a point when it switches in the parents old age and it's the adult-child giving more and the parent taking more.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Pooh on April 21, 2011, 06:35:28 AM
Having a good day here and feeling "almost" normal, well as "normal" as I ever was, so I thought I would chime in on this one. 

This is just my opinion, but I still don't get the whole his family = his responsibility thing.  Nor would I get a man saying her family = her responsibility.  (Not talking about extreme holiday issues like Pam and some of the others here have with MIL).  When I married my DH, I married him with the knowledge that he did see me as an equal, but also with the knowledge that being seen as an equal does not mean everything would be equal.  He does clean as much as I do, and he does laundry, washes dishes, etc.  I also help mow, weed eat and blow off the driveway.  We ask each other before making plans and we check with each other before major financial decisions.  He listens to me, I listen to him.  That is how I feel he sees me as an equal.

But when it comes to family things, I am the main person on both sides.  I plan dishes, dinners, presents, cards, etc.  It's not that he puts it off on me, I'm just better at it.  But last month, he helped my Dad on the roof, under his house, mow his acreage and change brakes on his car.  I didn't have but one gift to go buy.  So he was 90% to my 10% last month if we are keeping score.  This month?  I have things for his family and friends for the next 4 weekends.  So I will probably be at 90%.  I don't believe anything is a women's job, or a man's job...but I do believe that as a wife, I am the one that is more responsible for family things and social events, simply because I'm better at it and his brain doesn't function at the "would she like this?" level that mine does.  Frankly, he pays plenty of attention to what I like, but not what his sister likes..  And I believe as a husband, he is better at fixing the sink, toilet and washing the cars.  He's better at it and I think it's yucky.  It's not that he's not capable of doing anything that I do, he could and would if I asked him to.  But it would take him twice as long, he would stress about getting the right gift and then grin when he burnt the casserole.  I can also fix a toilet, but it requires reading on line, asking the guy at home depot 50 questions and blurting "gross" out at least 20 times as I cringed while doing it.  So I do the social stuff for him, and he does the toilet for me.  Me planning 10 family things does not equal out to his fixing the toilet once, but I will gladly take those percentages.  Not because it is required of me, but because I require it of myself.

I don't know if it's partly my upbringing, my personality or just how I feel (or a combination) but I never expected my marriage to be 50/50 on everything.  I knew I would be doing the majority of cooking, remembering we need toilet paper and reminding him this weekend was his Mother's birthday party.  He asked me about it weeks ago and if I was ok going to it, but I knew I would be reminding him.  And I will spend tomorrow cooking the 3 dishes that I am bringing while he probably cleans his Glock since he had to go to the range this morning.  It's not him putting it off of me, because tomorrow afternoon the phone might ring and my Dad may need him to help paint. 

Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Scoop on April 21, 2011, 06:58:46 AM
Pooh, for me it's a function of what *I* get out of the relationship with the IL's.  They're not nice to me.  They're barely even civil.  Why am I going to fold myself in half 6 times to make sure they have a pleasant visit to us?  My MIL would just say "6?  Why not 7?"  There's no making her happy, so why try?

On the other hand, my M and my DH have their own relationship, that they BOTH work on.  So yeah, DH does stuff for my Mom and loves to help her out.  But she also does stuff for him.  She makes his favourite meals, she stands up to me for him, she does a lot of "his" chores when she visits.  She appreciates him and loves him and he knows it.  So of course he WANTS to do stuff for her.

You see, when I try to do something nice for MIL, I get kicked in the teeth.  For example last fall when we visited them, I was trying to be nice all weekend.  I even offered to show MIL our online pictures and bookmark it for her, so that she could see what we're up to whenever she wants.  My online pictures are mainly of DD and what she's doing, so I though MIL would like to see that.  We had gone through a dozen or so pages of pictures and MIL said "Look at that.  All those pictures and not one of me."  I quickly found something else to do and I've been kicking myself ever since for bookmarking the site.  Aside: it's true, there are very few pictures of MIL, because she doesn't *DO* anything with DD.  Also, some of the pictures I have are of MIL, DD & DN and I don't have SIL's permission to post pictures of DN, so they're not posted.

And the last year that I picked out MIL & FIL's birthday gifts (I even picked out MIL's 6 months in advance, because I found something beautiful that I thought she would like), the IL's didn't get me a present.  They made sure I knew that they remembered my birthday (because I did get a card), but no, I wasn't worth a gift that year.  Who knows why?  I can always tell my 'standing' with the IL's based on the quality of my gifts.

And that's just part of the reason why I don't call my IL's and I don't pick or send gifts or cards.  The sad part is that I'm a nice person, so I *think* of these things, I think of picking out a M-day card for MIL while I'm picking one out for my Mom, I think "Oh, MIL would like this" and then I stop myself.  Because nothing good will come of it.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: seasage on April 21, 2011, 07:00:43 AM
Thank you for a different perspective, Pooh.  You have put into words exactly what I have been thinking.  I love my marriage, because DH and I also divide things up by who-can-do-it-better, not by your-family vs. my-family.  I don't understand the "yuk, it's your family - you deal with it" attitude that prevails in some quarters. 

I can't imagine not being civil and gracious to any member of DH's family, even if I hated that person, even if I thought that person was trying to undermine my authority!  Ha, what authority?  That question just doesn't come up in my life.  I don't need dominion over anything except my 6-burner gas cooktop, a good knife and a zester.

Sometimes I wonder.  How I was able to raise 4 gifted children without all these boundaries I am constantly reading about?  Without keeping my MIL at bay? 

Yeah, I turned off the TV.  I even cut the cord with a pair of scissors one day when I thought the kids were pushing the rules too much.  But I didn't cut off anyone's relatives.  Kids in my house had to learn to be civil to everyone, to have table manners, and to play nicely with all comers.

I'm beginning to think I have been a doormat.


Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 21, 2011, 07:12:40 AM
Pooh, I agree. DH was doing all the "lady" stuff (lady = my job) yesterday b/c I am tweaking a paper due this Saturday. Last week, it was me taking the trash out for him, b/c he had a paper due then. It all works out in the wash.

My toilet backed up last night...I said gross 18 times along with some colorful expletives. DH stayed up late working on his paper to take care of that for me.

Seasage; I laughed and laughed at you cutting the TV cord! My husband would leave me! I have no doubts about that. Maybe that's why he put the wires behind the wall...
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: seasage on April 21, 2011, 07:17:17 AM
Quote from: Scoop on April 21, 2011, 06:58:46 AM
Pooh, for me it's a function of what *I* get out of the relationship with the IL's.
.....

And the last year that I picked out MIL & FIL's birthday gifts (I even picked out MIL's 6 months in advance, because I found something beautiful that I thought she would like), the IL's didn't get me a present.  They made sure I knew that they remembered my birthday (because I did get a card), but no, I wasn't worth a gift that year.  Who knows why?  I can always tell my 'standing' with the IL's based on the quality of my gifts.

And that's just part of the reason why I don't call my IL's and I don't pick or send gifts or cards.  The sad part is that I'm a nice person, so I *think* of these things, I think of picking out a M-day card for MIL while I'm picking one out for my Mom, I think "Oh, MIL would like this" and then I stop myself.  Because nothing good will come of it.

Thank you Scoop, you just changed my heart on one issue.  I have been sending my DIL birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, spontaneous gifts, cards and flowers for years, but have never received any acknowledgment from her for anything - nor have I ever received any cards or gifts from her for the yearly celebrations of life.  I joined WWU to ask if it were time to quit and received good advice from everyone here about what to do.  So I was preparing to just send her a card next birthday, no gift.  I admit that part of the no-gift is just being miffed at being ignored.  After reading your assessment, "I can always tell my 'standing' with the IL's based on the quality of my gifts.", I have decided not to abandon the birthday gift.  I think I want to present a bigger heart, a finer presence, than a stingy old MIL who doesn't send gifts anymore.

Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Scoop on April 21, 2011, 07:21:32 AM
I'm sorry you have to do that Seasage.  I believe that we're all dealing with the same sort of people here, whether they're DIL's or MIL's.  Unfortunately, I believe the DIL has more power in the relationship because she can harm the relationship between the MIL and the DS.  And the DIL definitely has control over the GK's.  I'm sorry you're stuck in a situation with a DIL like that.

I do believe it's kind of you to continue to send her gifts.  You could probably do away with the spontaneous "just because" stuff.  But I would definitely recommend keeping up with the birthdays, just to keep the peace.  At the end of the day, it shouldn't be YOU putting nails in the coffin of the relationship.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 21, 2011, 07:29:09 AM
Pooh, I agree with you and I went into my marriage with that mind set.

I do think though that men may not say her family = her problem but they sure act like it more than women do.  It's just another unspoken rule of society, I know very few males that will remind their wives of her family birthdays, buy gifts, call her family on their own....even when they have a great relationship with their in laws.  I don't believe that many men today have caught up with women in regards to keeping up relationships.  It's hard work and sometimes that's why women have to give the reins back to the men to take care of their extended family, it seems so easy when someone else is doing it after marriage and kids.  Let them get a taste.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Pooh on April 21, 2011, 07:36:19 AM
Scoop I totally get the situation you are in and when someone kicks you constantly, I know how hard it is to be gracious.  And I also understand that when you do something nice and it is unappreciated, not wanting to do anything else and leaving it to your DH.  I had that with my first MIL and it was awful.  And I'm not saying that anyone should do what I did, because it really was hard on me at times.  I was miserable with my MIL for the first 5 years of my first marriage.  I let her torment me, and I took it all because I was raised that no matter what, she was my DH's Mother and I was to respect that.  It took me a long time to just let it all go and ignore it.  I still bought her cards and presents, I just let DH give them to her.  She purposefully bought me hideous gifts, I just smiled and said, "Thank you" and then put them in the garbage when I got home...Lol.  I learned not to let her bait me and just smiled at her and would move on.  When she criticized (constantly), I learned to just say things like, "Oh, really.  Haven't thought about it that way."  I found over the years, that it annoyed her to no end for me to just smile and be gracious.  I wasn't giving her the rise that she wanted and she did eventually slack off some.  But I still knew that my DH loved her and his family and I continued to take the kids to events and family things.  I never cut them off (although they deserved it) and decided to just chalk it up to I was never going to change her.  Instead of dreading going, it became a game for me.  I would think, "I give it 11 minutes and 30 seconds before she says something condescending" and then I would watch the time.  And when she did, I would giggle to myself, smile and say, "Really? Hm mm."  The rest of the family would make comments later about how nice I always was to her, and how mean she always was to me.  So it did show with everyone else and so when she talked about me later, they would just shake their heads.  I didn't let her dictate my life, but I still participated in hers.

I'm not advocating anyone be a doormat, or take it like I did.  It's just what I chose to do because it was less stressful on me to deal with her, than to deal with the repercussions of "not" dealing with her.  And, it was selfish on my part.  I can look back now and know my sons have a relationship with that side of their family and know that was my doing, not theirs.  I would hate to look back now, if I had chosen to cut them off and have regrets that my children did not have the opportunity to make up their own minds as adults if they wanted to continue those relationships. 

This is was what I chose, but I'm not saying it was right.  It was just right for me.  I think the key with any situation is doing what is right for yourself and your sanity.  I think the only wrong answer is when you do nothing at all.  By that I mean, you allow it to rule your life and forget that we are responsible for our own happiness.  No one else is.  If you don't like yourself and can't make yourself happy, then no one else is ever going to be able to add to that happiness.  When you make a decision, then you own that decision and you move on.  If you sit around and berate yourself for your decision, feel guilty about it or wallow in it...then you didn't make a decision, you made a band-aid.  I can still wish things had turned out different, but I have to accept that they didn't.   
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Pooh on April 21, 2011, 07:41:58 AM
Seasage, your a good woman.  I still have presents for my DS and DIL in my closet from Christmas and their birthdays last year!  Lol.  I decided not to send them to them, since they have not spoke to us, but instead...I am buying them things, wrapping them and sticking them in my closet.  Ok, I know I am weird.  But I have a sick sense of humor and I would love to think that if our relationship ever does improve...I can open the closet and give them all to them at once, sincerely.  And if it doesn't over the next few years,   I am stockpiling gifts for a rainy day and will not have to shop for anyone for a while.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 21, 2011, 07:43:56 AM
My dad did that for me Pooh. I thought it was nice.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Rose799 on April 21, 2011, 07:46:10 AM
FYI, Pooh, I'm glad you're back.  You, yourself are a gift; I pity your ex-mil... 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Pooh on April 21, 2011, 07:48:21 AM
Holly, I've told my story about my real Dad.   And when he showed me all the photo albumns where he had clipped every newspaper article out about me, over my life, (sports, academics, etc.) I felt like he truly had cared about me enough to keep up with me.

So I am with you on that one.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Pooh on April 21, 2011, 07:49:25 AM
Quote from: Rose799 on April 21, 2011, 07:46:10 AM
FYI, Pooh, I'm glad you're back.  You, yourself are a gift; I pity your ex-mil...

Thank you very much Rose.  I am having a good day, tomorrow may be different.  It seems like the medicine is leveling off in my system, so hopefully the good days will outweigh the bad ones.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: stilltryen on April 21, 2011, 08:27:31 AM
"Interesting perspective. BUT, I am sure DIL says "Hey my parents are coming over, I want to have kabobs on the grill." DS KNOWS that he is to grill. BUT DS probably doesn't ask for assistance from DIL."
Not sure why it's automatically DS's job to grill, but accepting that, he still helps her with everything else.  Remember each of us here has a different issue.  Her parents come over at least once a week to visit, and a minimum of once a month to their home for dinner.  We have been invited to dinner twice in the 2 1/2 years they've been married.  The big difference for her, we're not her family.  We're just the husband's family, so we don't rate.  So if they have us over for dinner once a year, I see absolutely nothing wrong with both of them planning the menu and working together for one evening.  I hardly think that calls for "your family=your responsibility."  We don't go over unless we're invited.

"If my DH asked me to pick up XXX as a gift for his mom for Mother's Day. I would be more than happy to do it. I will NOT however be the one who has to think to come up with a gift for her. She isn't my mother and it isn't my job. Now, I might be out and about and see something that I think MIL might like and suggest it to DH, but it is ultimately his responsibility." 
That's fair enough, but in my case, DS is working two jobs (many weekends) while DIL has been at home for 4 months with the baby.  Four months during which she was able to, and has, indeed, called me many times, to watch baby while she went shopping, met her friends for lunch, etc.  You have to, again, look at each family dynamic before assessing what each partner can do, is capable of doing, how much time each has, etc. 

"And yes, we are a unti. A VERY good unti. But that means an equal partnership. Not me being his slave for all things family." -
True enough, for your situation perhaps.  As I said, DIL never does anything for us.  Thus she would never, ever, ever qualify for slave status.

I agree with the poster who said that she would never have both families on the same day, like one side for breakfast, the other side for dinner.  However, I'M not the one who called and suggested anything.  DS could have called and said, "Mom, are you and Dad having dinner, brunch or anything for Easter?  We'd like to get together," rather than the "I know we haven't invited you and Dad over to the house for nearly a year, but we're doing Easter dinner for HER parents, can we go over there for breakfast?"  (Not literally what he said, but sort of what I heard.)  In the first instance, I might have been much more pre-disposed to think about it.  The delivery of something said can make a huge difference in how the person at the other end reacts.

As for her family and us getting together, we get along very well.  In fact, I meet her mother for lunch once a month.  I like her mother, at times, much more than DIL.  We've had her parents over for dinner and vice versa.  No issues there.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 21, 2011, 08:48:57 AM
ST, am I to gather that you want your DIL to give you more attention than DIL's family? (more with dinner etc.) But, you also have an issue with the staying with GK thing during the day because you don't want to play by her rules. It seems by allowing you to watch her child she is giving you more attention. I am somewhat confused.

I know  disagree with many of the members on here as far as having my DH handle his family gifts, cards, etc. I don't feel that it is my responsibilty. Many of you feel that it is the DIL's responsibility. Let us agree to disagree.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: stilltryen on April 21, 2011, 10:00:52 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 21, 2011, 08:48:57 AM
ST, am I to gather that you want your DIL to give you more attention than DIL's family? (more with dinner etc.) But, you also have an issue with the staying with GK thing during the day because you don't want to play by her rules. It seems by allowing you to watch her child she is giving you more attention. I am somewhat confused.

I know  disagree with many of the members on here as far as having my DH handle his family gifts, cards, etc. I don't feel that it is my responsibilty. Many of you feel that it is the DIL's responsibility. Let us agree to disagree.

More attention from DIL than she gives her family?  Oh no, I couldn't stand being around DIL that much.  If I wanted MORE attention than she gives her family, she'd practically have to move in with me.  Nope, don't care that her parents are over every month, every week, they talk every day, they go on vacations together, etc., etc.  I've told DS that I'm very, very, very happy that she has a good relationship with her folks.  They've very nice to DS and they all get along.  I just think DS & DIL could do a bit better than to invite us over for dinner once a year.  They have no problem coming over here for dinner, so it's not like we don't get along at all.  I just think (personal opinion that I don't share with them) that she doesn't want to bother making dinner or dealing with us at all because she are not relevant to her.  We're only hubby's parents, so we don't rate. 

As for watching baby, I've said I will absolutely do the rules as they pertain to her naps, feeding times, etc.  They've asked me to interact with her a lot - ha!  That's all I do.  Last time I didn't even eat because I didn't want to put her down.  I love watching her face, her expressions, I love holding her, feeling her, talking to her, etc.  95% of the rules are just fine and dandy with me, the other 5% is just first time mom being way, way too strict.  Besides this whole post was about HER changing the rules, as she wants me to drive down to their home when they're going to be practically passing mine going in the opposite direction.  So it's unacceptable for me to tweak the rules, but okay for her to completely throw a monkey wrench into the whole thing?  I think not.

I don't totally disagree with you about the birthdays, etc., however, as I noted - each family has their own dynamics and issues.  If it works for DS to deal with his family, then he should.  If that's the case in your household, then by all means, that's the way it should be.  I think each couple needs to figure it out to suit themselves.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 21, 2011, 10:48:45 AM
Do you make her nervous?

I know that I get very nervous when my MIL comes over for dinner (she's coming Sunday, and I'm less than thrilled lol). I worry that she will complain about what I make, how I make it, "it's to spicy," "it's too bland," "you should leave your kitchen that green because it looks great" (my kitchen is hideous green and in the process of remodel, but she insists on getting me stuff for the kitchen that is the same green! Sweet for her to think of us, but once she was told for the 10th time that I am painting the kitchen, I wish she would stop! *breathe* lol). And don't get me started on how I feel she is judging every nook and cranny in my house. I can't stand to have her over unless my house is Spotless! Not that hers is EVER clean (She can give those hoarder people a good run), but she likes to comment when mine isn't.  :(

Soooo, maybe you stress her out too?

Although, seeing as she wants you to come to her house to watch the baby, that sounds unlikely.

But, I was thinking. Being the numbers gal that I am. I added up your "time." So it is 40 minutes one way for you to get there. But only 13 minutes off the ramp for DS? Um, that would actually 26 minutes (13 to your house, 13 back to the freeway) Plus, he will probably at the very least say hello to you. So, lets just round it to 30 minutes. Since he is on his way to work, presumably with a set time to be there, 30 minutes out of the way would make a big difference to his overall day.

I'm not saying you should go to their house to watch the baby (I think that idea is ridiculous actually). Just something to think about. Maybe DIL is also concerned that DS won't get home at a reasonable time if he is picking baby up from your house since there wouldn't be a time clock to punch.

It seems like (even though your are G-ma and would give baby more attention) they would be better off in the family relationships if they put the baby in daycare.  :-\
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 21, 2011, 11:04:49 AM
ST, it sounds like you're pretty realistic about it all.  I hope it works out.  I think it's best to keep in mind the "always" & "nevers" too.  She's a new mother and still figuring it all out.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: stilltryen on April 21, 2011, 11:30:55 AM
AnonymousDIL, regarding your numbers crunch - uh, sort of.  It's 13 minutes from the time he gets on the off-ramp to my house.  However, after he drops her off, he can go the back way down his work, so once he turns the corner from my house he's actually "back on track" to get to his job.  Where he works is about 8 miles north of here, about 10-12 minutes, even with lights.  (He'll have some stoplights going the back way.)

If he went back on the freeway, you're right.  He would have to drive back down the hill to catch the on-ramp, then be on his way.  From the off-ramp to my house to his office, it's about 7 minutes on the freeway.

I don't think anything makes DIL nervous, although DS tells me that deep down inside she is insecure.  I've known her since junior high, so I know a lot about her.  While I disagree and get irritated with her, and rant here, I try hard with her.  I sign all emails to her, Love, XXX.  The baby looks like her.  I mentioned that the other day, saying, "That baby is the spitting image of you.  She is absolutely beautiful, just like her mother," then I hugged her.  One day after I'd watched the baby, she thanked me.  I corrected her and said, "No, thank YOU.  It is a gift you're sharing with me.  That baby is the most wonderful little person in the world."  I always compliment her on her knitting, she's very good at it.  While I don't have her same tastes (obviously, I still gag at that blanket), I do recognize that she's talented and takes the time to create what she loves.  I just wish that she would have some courtesy towards others.  Case in point, she put out an item on Craigslist for sale.  Someone answered the ad.  She refused to respond.  Why?  Because the person didn't use perfect English when he responded to her ad.  Arggggghhhhh!!!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 21, 2011, 12:19:06 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 21, 2011, 10:48:45 AM
I know that I get very nervous when my MIL comes over for dinner (she's coming Sunday, and I'm less than thrilled lol). I worry that she will complain about what I make, how I make it, "it's to spicy," "it's too bland," "you should leave your kitchen that green because it looks great" (my kitchen is hideous green and in the process of remodel, but she insists on getting me stuff for the kitchen that is the same green! Sweet for her to think of us, but once she was told for the 10th time that I am painting the kitchen, I wish she would stop! *breathe* lol). And don't get me started on how I feel she is judging every nook and cranny in my house. I can't stand to have her over unless my house is Spotless! Not that hers is EVER clean (She can give those hoarder people a good run), but she likes to comment when mine isn't.  :(

Adil.. do you realize that you just wrote an entire paragraph of things your mil might do.. with the exception of buying you a gift in the wrong color all the rest is based on what you fear she may do, say or think.

It does concern me as well when I hear people refer to their extended families as being someone elses responsibility or problem.  As I do believe that this is the stance that my own dil as adapted... First Christmas together the kids decided that we like sausage sticks, so that  was our gift... I know that came from my son's mind... but her parents got a new puppy because that is what they would like.  Yes it was very obvious that it was a 'not my problem' way of thinking.  The next year, there was no gift for ds's brother and sister, even though ds said that they shopped together for the gifts.. when questioned it came out that dil didn't think it was her responsibility to mail the gifts and they were still shoved in the closet.   This year the brother again was left out as the dil said..wow I thought I packed his gift, oh well.  Once again the total lack of common courtesy is speaking volumes which I believe is the intent to begin with.   I believe this to be the ultimate passive/agressive approach and it works quite well. 

ST... if the Easter brunch does not work for you, simply say it doesn't work and make other plans... It's a simple holiday, not like it's the second coming of Christ  ... oh wait it is the second coming of Christ, so for all those celebrating as a religious holiday, why not find a way to make it work for everyone?   
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: overwhelmed123 on April 21, 2011, 02:20:43 PM
Quote from: Laurie on April 21, 2011, 12:19:06 PM
It's a simple holiday, not like it's the second coming of Christ  ... oh wait it is the second coming of Christ, so for all those celebrating as a religious holiday, why not find a way to make it work for everyone?   

LOL!!   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Hope on April 21, 2011, 06:03:59 PM
Quote from: pam1 on April 20, 2011, 06:27:34 PM
Hope, lol thanks.  It gave me a chance to get some stuff off my chest.  As far as the strides I've made with MIL this past month, I'm still nervous about Easter.  We aren't going over the day before or the day after -- however, I asked how many people were coming so I can bring the dish she requested and she said 30.  Well, hmm...were are these 30 people coming from.  I know for a fact 3 of her children and their spouses and children won't be there so by my estimation it should be around 15, which I think is an excellent chance for a nice peaceful holiday.  (we normally have huge functions with her friends of the moment you never see again and other peoples in laws etc)

And she won't give up the invite list.  It's not a humongous deal to me but just another thing that adds up.  It adds up monetarily, think every holiday we are buying all this food for and huge amounts of people.  It adds up for DH, he is an introvert and forced interaction at family holidays with strangers is very stressful to him.  And it's stressful for me having to deal with him.  And DD has to be on best manners instead of enjoying a holiday.

Ahhh, yeah I needed to get that out.  I don't understand why she isn't clear with her plans and let everyone know up front.  I do know that I'm not allowed to host a holiday but I told DH last week that I'm just going to do it when I'm ready.  Send out invites a month in advance without talking about it.
Thanks for understanding, Pam.  I think an agreed upon time limit with your dh would be a good idea to discuss before Easter - and you could have a code sentence or word or something if you feel the need to leave earlier.  Wishing you all the best....
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 22, 2011, 05:33:21 AM
Quote from: Laurie on April 21, 2011, 12:19:06 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 21, 2011, 10:48:45 AM
I know that I get very nervous when my MIL comes over for dinner (she's coming Sunday, and I'm less than thrilled lol). I worry that she will complain about what I make, how I make it, "it's to spicy," "it's too bland," "you should leave your kitchen that green because it looks great" (my kitchen is hideous green and in the process of remodel, but she insists on getting me stuff for the kitchen that is the same green! Sweet for her to think of us, but once she was told for the 10th time that I am painting the kitchen, I wish she would stop! *breathe* lol). And don't get me started on how I feel she is judging every nook and cranny in my house. I can't stand to have her over unless my house is Spotless! Not that hers is EVER clean (She can give those hoarder people a good run), but she likes to comment when mine isn't.  :(

Adil.. do you realize that you just wrote an entire paragraph of things your mil might do.. with the exception of buying you a gift in the wrong color all the rest is based on what you fear she may do, say or think.

It does concern me as well when I hear people refer to their extended families as being someone elses responsibility or problem.  As I do believe that this is the stance that my own dil as adapted... First Christmas together the kids decided that we like sausage sticks, so that  was our gift... I know that came from my son's mind... but her parents got a new puppy because that is what they would like.  Yes it was very obvious that it was a 'not my problem' way of thinking.  The next year, there was no gift for ds's brother and sister, even though ds said that they shopped together for the gifts.. when questioned it came out that dil didn't think it was her responsibility to mail the gifts and they were still shoved in the closet.   This year the brother again was left out as the dil said..wow I thought I packed his gift, oh well.  Once again the total lack of common courtesy is speaking volumes which I believe is the intent to begin with.   I believe this to be the ultimate passive/agressive approach and it works quite well. 

ST... if the Easter brunch does not work for you, simply say it doesn't work and make other plans... It's a simple holiday, not like it's the second coming of Christ  ... oh wait it is the second coming of Christ, so for all those celebrating as a religious holiday, why not find a way to make it work for everyone?   

MIL has actually DONE/said all these things at one time or another to a third party and it gets back to me. It hurts my feelings.

Oh, I dusted yesterday! House looks great.

Maybe if your DS would step up his brother would get his gifts. It may seem PA to you, but it is obviously something that is important to your DIL. It is something they worked out (ok, are working out?) between the two of them. Perhaps she feels if his brother complains year after year, maybe he will finally do it? How can she pick out the perfect gift for someone that she doesn't know as well as DH does?

I guess I feel most of the MIL's on here are making their DIL's out to be evil for not being the one responsible for the gift buying on DH's side of the family. As a DIL it somewhat offends me.  :-\
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 22, 2011, 05:39:26 AM
ADil,

If she did it to a 3rd party, how come it hurts your feelings?

I don't like some things that people do to 3rd parties, but it doesn't hurt my feelings. It also doesn't mean they'd treat me that way.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 22, 2011, 05:48:58 AM
Quote from: Holly on April 22, 2011, 05:39:26 AM
ADil,

If she did it to a 3rd party, how come it hurts your feelings?

I don't like some things that people do to 3rd parties, but it doesn't hurt my feelings. It also doesn't mean they'd treat me that way.

Because it makes me think that she is fake. Why tell me one thing to my face, but talk bad about me behind my back. No, I don't tell MIL exactly what I think about her, but I also don't Lie to her and tell her she is wonderful and amazing either. If I don't have something nice to say to her (honestly not a lie) I simply say nothing at all.... In fact, I rarely say anything at all.  :-X

I guess I just want her to be honest with me. If she doesn't like the way I cook something, I'd rather hear it directly from her (yeah, I'd be hurt) than from someone else because then I am hurt and ANGRY because she lied.  >:(

Same with my brother. I don't tell him I think you are a *bleep-blee-bleep-bleepity-bleep* lol but I don't tell him a lie that he is the greatest brother on the planet either. Because honestly he treats me like poop (I can say that right? lol). I may say he is the best brother that I have or my favorite brother because well, he is my ONLY brother so it isn't a lie. :P
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 22, 2011, 06:05:56 AM

Adil, I had simply stated that you had based your opening paragraph on what you feared she would do... Now had you said, each time she comes over this is what she says then I would have understood you more clearly.  If every time someone comes into my house they nit pick my life, I would have already put on my thick skin coat if I felt it was that important to have them over.

QuoteMaybe if your DS would step up his brother would get his gifts. It may seem PA to you, but it is obviously something that is important to your DIL.
It is passive/aggressive to me and would be to her as well if she were to be on the the dirty end of the stick.  I don't see where a single MIL is making a DIL out to be evil here... I feel that this attitude is wrong in most cases, but I don't think the term evil was ever brought up.  What I guess could be construed as evil are some of the double standard points that come to play.. In my case (clearly saying my case) my dil had led her dh to believe that she had completed what she apparently viewed as a negative chore.  I believe that this was done in an attempt to hurt someones feelings, while my other son, the db did not seem to pay notice my dd did... after repeated actions along this line the dd no longer has any respect or desire to even be friends with the dil.  If this was her goal, she achieved it.. bravo I always applaud someone who has accomplished what they set out to do. 

I just don't see where this way of thinking is a positive in any relationship... I did not see myself or my other children functioning in this mindset.   I sure did not see my married son drawing lines of the mine/yours when it comes to family.... I did not even see him doing it when it came to how the gifts were purchased.  In the mine/his mind set it just seems like a whole can of uncomfortably could be opened... He was working.. she was not...  I'm assuming that in this division of choice that paychecks could possibly come into play as well.  I'm thankful that this is not how my son, her husband views life or their relationship.

But Adil... I do not believe that anyone was attacking dil's here.. just stating a different view.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 22, 2011, 06:41:01 AM
You're right, Laurie (as always... You always put me back on track lol). No one is attacking all DIL's on here.

That does sound pretty mean of your DIL. I do at least check in with DH that he did in fact pick up the card, gift what-have-you (usually a gift card which I HATE, but his family seems to like them lol). It is good that your DS hasn't drawn family lines for whose side. I know why DH and I did. (his mom and sister don't like me, I'm not fond of them, and DB doesn't like DH. Sometimes it feels like it is DH and I against the world with our only supporters being his dad and my mom.

This is going to be a looooooong weekend. My side (with brother) tomorrow and his family on Sunday. Laryngitis would be great for this weekend so I don't say anything I'll regret! LOL
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 22, 2011, 07:16:14 AM
You'll have a good time if you just remember one little thing... ok maybe 5 or 6 little things...   but don't look for problems... I found it's the best way to avoid them to begin with. 

Hope you have a good weekend... I'm meeting my dd's future mi today.. wish me luck :)
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: brandynd on April 22, 2011, 04:42:20 PM
Over at SILs for nephews.bday. MIL is starting her antics. Consider this an SOS. HELP!!! Will explain later.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 22, 2011, 04:45:19 PM
TLS, I am sorry. Hang in there. I'm around reading (and editing my paper.  >:( ) if it helps. I'm reading and supporting you from here. I can't believe how many on here are looking forward to Monday already! You're doing great!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: FAFE on April 22, 2011, 06:19:59 PM
My DD and SIL and GD is going to church on Easter morning with SIL's parents and then to lunch with them.  They were talking about coming to my house for dinner on Sunday, so I told them if they had rather not come for dinner, we could get together the next weekend for a combination Easter/Mother's Day that would be good with us.  She said, oh no, I want y'all to see GD in her Easter stuff!  Yah!  We will be having DH's mom and dad for lunch and DD, SIL, and GD for dinner.  Genrally my sister in law has Easter but she and her husband are out of town.  I am trying really hard to step back and respect that they want to celebrate with both sides of the family. 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: holliberri on April 22, 2011, 06:24:47 PM
I think that is great FAFE! I am glad they near demanded to see you on Easter Day! I'm glad you're being accomodating of his ILs as well. It sounds wonderful to me!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 23, 2011, 06:11:31 AM
Laurie, How did everything go?
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 23, 2011, 08:06:45 AM
Thanks Adil for asking..... I met my dd's future mil and she seems like a wonderful person... very down to earth and seem to be very happy for the kids.  There was one aspect of the wedding that she wasn't thrilled with and I noted that she may have put that into the back of her mind to discuss with her son at a  later time :)  I think her son will better explain why they made the decision that they did about who will officiate the wedding.

I got to see how my fsil interacts with his mother, which to me says a lot about how he will be with us and more importantly my dd.... so it was a good meeting and a good day... the kids were able to set a tentative date, pick one of the colors and it was declared that the future groom would wear sunscreen before the wedding to prevent his sunglass dyslexic raccoon look.  Both she and I headed home in the evening with plans to visit the venues together in June.

Easter is going to be really quiet here and I'm looking forward to that.. today is lawn day and then I think it might have warmed up enough to go swimming.. I figure everyone will be indoors so I don't have to worry about being spotted in my bathing suit :)
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: brandynd on April 23, 2011, 09:37:33 AM
Okay kids here goes (and ibapologize if I have typos....my phones keyboard is no bueno). Went to SILS yesterday for the twins bday. Other SIL and family was there as was MIL. everything started out fine until MILstarted going on about her bday being wednesday and "you better get me something good!"
Seriously? I was sitting there thinking "are you five?" Granted I just smiled and nodded. She does this every year and every year our gift is.not extravagant enough for.her. im over it.
Then I get a phonebcall from my estranged big brother (he has a drug problem and has singlehanddly destroyed every family get.together for the past 5 years win his antics) screaming at me for not being invited to easter.  He wasn't invited because I didn't want a scene in front of my high maintenance MIL. it hard.enough to handle her without being humiliated to boot.
Anyways, I told dh we needed to go.so I could deal with the matter in private. We went to say goodbye when MIL says "you're not going anywhere..im sick of her dealing with this white trash drama when you need to be with your family."
Excuse me??? I went outside to take the call and spoke very quietly which.means she was eavesdropping first of all....secondly who says that?! I am FUMING!!!!!!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Pen on April 23, 2011, 11:11:06 AM
Quote from: Laurie on April 23, 2011, 08:06:45 AM
Thanks Adil for asking..... I met my dd's future mil and she seems like a wonderful person... very down to earth and seem to be very happy for the kids.  There was one aspect of the wedding that she wasn't thrilled with and I noted that she may have put that into the back of her mind to discuss with her son at a  later time :)  I think her son will better explain why they made the decision that they did about who will officiate the wedding.

I got to see how my fsil interacts with his mother, which to me says a lot about how he will be with us and more importantly my dd.... so it was a good meeting and a good day... the kids were able to set a tentative date, pick one of the colors and it was declared that the future groom would wear sunscreen before the wedding to prevent his sunglass dyslexic raccoon look.  Both she and I headed home in the evening with plans to visit the venues together in June.

Easter is going to be really quiet here and I'm looking forward to that.. today is lawn day and then I think it might have warmed up enough to go swimming.. I figure everyone will be indoors so I don't have to worry about being spotted in my bathing suit :)

Laurie, I hope your daughter's FMIL realizes how lucky she is to be "in the loop" regarding the wedding. Good on ya!
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 23, 2011, 11:28:12 AM
The fmil, has no daughters.... there are somethings that I think  dd can include her on and show her that she and her input are valued.  Besides the more dd includes her the more she will help keep her son in line :)  He is such a good guy but does struggle at times to see it from the female perspective.. and my dd has got to learn to back off a bit and not talk wedding 24/7... their date is approx 14 months away.   His mom and I both said the same exact thing yesterday, he thought we had been talking behind the scenes.. and all we said was .. don't get so involved in your wedding that you do not continue learning who you are as a couple.   How many couples look at each other after the wedding and say.. now what?

His mom is so grounded, laid back.. she said we are not fancy folks and uncomfortable when expected to be so.   I said well you and I have a that strong common denominator then.... the funny thing.. bf is 6'3".. DD is 5'3.. I'm 5'1 and fmil is 4'11" .. it was almost like he was the keeper of the dwarfs.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Pen on April 23, 2011, 01:45:02 PM
Well, the wedding photos should be interesting! I'm sure Martha has a pattern for some snazzy milk crate covers.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 23, 2011, 03:30:45 PM
Yes and I will be looking them up :)  I just talked to the 'couple' dd took him shopping for clothes... she showed him how to stretch his dollars and  he was amazed... I think bachelors get lazy with their money at times.  Yesterday she saved him over a hundred on his diving b/c and it will be here before the trip...  I think he now has more faith in her ragging about money lol  .. Oh they did open a bank account together today it's earmarked as a wedding/honeymoon account... I never would have done that before marriage but it does make sense for them to see how they each approach banking/bill paying etc

I was outside mowing and thought about your comment Pen.. that the FMIL should feel lucky that she is in the loop... I'd like to think that this is the norm, especially for a mom who does not have any daughters.  I want to see her in the mix of things, we hope the day is as special for them as it is for us and certainly the kids.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 23, 2011, 03:34:33 PM
Quote from: thelaststraw on April 23, 2011, 09:37:33 AM
Okay kids here goes (and ibapologize if I have typos....my phones keyboard is no bueno). Went to SILS yesterday for the twins bday. Other SIL and family was there as was MIL. everything started out fine until MILstarted going on about her bday being wednesday and "you better get me something good!"
Seriously? I was sitting there thinking "are you five?" Granted I just smiled and nodded. She does this every year and every year our gift is.not extravagant enough for.her. im over it.
Then I get a phonebcall from my estranged big brother (he has a drug problem and has singlehanddly destroyed every family get.together for the past 5 years win his antics) screaming at me for not being invited to easter.  He wasn't invited because I didn't want a scene in front of my high maintenance MIL. it hard.enough to handle her without being humiliated to boot.
Anyways, I told dh we needed to go.so I could deal with the matter in private. We went to say goodbye when MIL says "you're not going anywhere..im sick of her dealing with this white trash drama when you need to be with your family."
Excuse me??? I went outside to take the call and spoke very quietly which.means she was eavesdropping first of all....secondly who says that?! I am FUMING!!!!!!

TLS, this sounds like it could be on a reality show lol.  Sorry but a grown woman saying that?  Oh my goodness, what grace you have
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Rose799 on April 23, 2011, 04:35:37 PM
I'm so sorry you had to contend with that, TLC.  I'd have been tempted to tell mil she shouldn't speak ill of your dh's family that way.  After all, dh is part of your family now...  That was very rude of her.  You had it coming from all directions.  Next time, tell your db to come on over, & let them contend with one another.  : )
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: pam1 on April 23, 2011, 06:07:27 PM
That is a fabulous idea, Rose!  It would make an even better reality show too :) 
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 23, 2011, 07:15:50 PM
Laurie, sounds like it went GREAT! Sounds like this should be a pleasant wedding planning time period.

We had sooo much drama with MIL and the Pastor and a few other things with the wedding (like Men's Wearhouse messing up DH's tux 3, Yes, 3! times!!!!) that we were definitely ones who looked at each other after the wedding and went "Now what?" lol Our first few months were HORRIBLE. We fought a LOT. Mostly over money (would have loved to have the joint account prior to the wedding) and well, yep, his mother lol and my brother. They should definitely remember to focus on how they are developing as a couple.

Super exciting!!!

My DH is 6'3" too! I am only 5'3" lol It is like looking up to a giant lol
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: LaurieS on April 23, 2011, 07:40:40 PM
I feel like I'm preaching to them at times by always saying that a wedding does not make a marriage... it's like the time a woman walked up to my dd who was trying on a prom dress and said wow you make that dress.. it was a valuable lesson that day that the dress does not make the woman (except for that one that Jennifer Lopez wore a few years back).

I think keeping things fun, casual and youthful should make for a event that they will forever cherish.  I think DD was shocked when her fmil said.. I seldom think of my wedding day ... I think about mine but not like my dd feels she will forever see her day.
Title: Re: I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..
Post by: Pooh on April 25, 2011, 07:25:31 AM
TLC, no excuse for a comment like that.  Maybe for her birthday present, you could give her this song by one of my friends!  (Insert evil laugh here because I am just mean enough after a comment like that to do it!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4b5n8B4Gdd0