Just got back from a family party and DIL was on a tear mocking DS. Now this was at a party for our side of the family. She sat talking to my niece and just ripped him to pieces. Laughing at him, mocking him, complaining about all the things he has a problem doing. It was brutal, my niece finally excused herself and moved away. everyone within earshot was appalled. DS tried to laugh it off but finally went into another room. She kept making out like this was all in fun, but it wasn't. Question for the DIL's, and MIL's on site what would the smart thing have been to do or say. I can't sit there and listen to that again.
Ugh - once my DIL was treating DS like he was an imbecile and I started laughing at her. (He graduated with high honors in a difficult subject in college.) Didn't go over very well but she didn't do that in front of me again.
My take: I don't know if I would have the courage to do it...but I would like to say that I would stand up, get every one's attention and state that there is no way to hide viciousness in humor. And that there is also no way to refute the fact that only those who feel inferior feel the need to put others down to build themselves up. Then I would excuse myself. To me, to stay would be to condone.
The other side of that is how DS would feel at DW being called out in front of the whole clan and at having his mother speak for him.
Also, things would never be the same again but after that performance it would be obvious to me that they never were...
I'm a DIL and I can say, personally, this is completely unaccpetable in my book! My DH is the best thing to ever happen to me, I love him more than anything else & I have way too much respect for him to ever do anything like this. If a Husband and Wife have issues, they should be taken care of in private - not in front of everyone and never in a joking manner.
Your DIL must not respect her DH very much. Because to me this all has to do with respect. I'm sure she knows exactly what she's doing and probably doesn't care, which make this even worse. If you do say anything to DIL, it will probably be taken wrong and then turned against you. Your best bet is to talk to DS, about how you feel it's disrespectful for his DW to talk about him in such a manner and especially in front of family. If it happens again: try to change the subject, talk about something positive or just simply say "Maybe those are issues you should talk to DH about." Sorry I don't have more advice.
Could you talk to her in private at a later date? Let her know that it was embarassing for you and DS and everyone there? Do they have kids? If so, ask her how she would feel if someone was publicly lambasting them. Tell her that as a mother, it breaks your heart.. and makes you angry to hear that kind of talk? Of course, it will probably lead to her being upset with you, but maybe if you do it privately she won't behave that way in the future.. OR she could refuse to be around your family... you never know..
TMB, do you suppose your DIL does this in front of their friends & her FOO also? She needs to know that she makes herself, rather than DS, look bad. Not sure if you should be the one to clue her in, though...my DIL wouldn't want to hear it from me.
The way a person talks about someone else says a lot more about the person speaking then it does about the person they are referring to.
There is a much more elegant quote out there that says that same thing but I couldn't find it for you. I'd find a creative way to send her that message. She sounds like a very immature person, so maybe if she realized she was making herself look bad, not him, she'd smarten up. It's sad she wouldn't behave for your son's sake but she doesn't seem like the type that cares about her DH's feelings.
Sorry you've had to endure her nastiness..it's horrible as a parent to watch your child be treated so poorly. :(
I'm for biting your tongue till it bleeds. DS has no control what DW says and probably would prefer to forget it ever happened. If he gets tired of being treated that way eventually he'll move out and move on. If he stays that is his choice. After what happened in my family, being shut out for disagreeing with holiday plans I would not be in a hurry to share an opinion. You never know, DIL might cut you off just because she can.
Really ladies!!! Are you willing to compromise the person you are because of the immaturity of your AC. I spent half my life living for my children and enjoyed every minute of it. Our goal as parents is to raise the children the best we can and hope that they carry it on. If they don't and become spoiled, selfish, immature young adults it is not your responsibility I am not saying we did not contribute to them being spoiled but it has to stop somewhere. I for one plan on living my life for God, myself and my husband now that all children are gown and gone. I have 2 beautiful grandsons that I adore but my life does not revolve around them, that is the job of the parents.
You make some good points, E..however, I believe the topic was regarding TMB's DIL, who TMB had no hand in raising. I for one don't want to walk away from my DS just because he married someone else's "spoiled, selfish & immature young adult." It's a bit different when you face losing your own AC because of the behavior of his or her spouse.
This is a sticky etiquette problem because no matter how offensive DIL was in her delivery, any attempt to gently say you don't appreciate hearing that kind of language or details will most likely come across as teaching her manners which rarely goes over well. It could be a situation where what one family (DIL's) finds acceptable is very different from what another family (DS's) finds acceptable. In some families cursing, criticizing, etc. are very acceptable and it is "all in fun."
Could be that DS was getting what was coming to him. I've known a situation or two where you think someone is being bullied then you find out what they did and you then think they're getting off lightly. Imagine a woman finding out her husband is carrying on simultaneous affairs with her three best friends. Or he used up their life savings to buy a boat. Or she was in a car wreck and taken to the hospital then calls her DH to come get her and he waits until The Game (pick sport of your choice) ends before getting her. I'm making this up, not to pick on the DS in the OP, just to point out there could be a reason behind the apparent viciousness.
I think the only thing to do when anyone goes on a rant you don't want to hear for whatever reason is to either excuse yourself or stear the converstation in another direction. Any attempt to correct the problem - especially after the fact - is very likely to cause bigger problems.
Good Luck.
Been there done that and moved on- check out my story.
TMB, this is one of the issues I spoke up about when I was "allowed" to talk to MIL and SILs. Their treatment of people is horrible, the way they talk about people and speak down to them is just awful. They said so many demeaning things to my husband (and tried to start with my DD) every time we saw them but the straw that broke this camels back happened when they did it at a holiday. So, I spoke up then and there, said I didn't appreciate this. They looked shocked and stopped.
However, when I brought it up again in one of our talks (because they didn't stop long term, just that day) they said that I was telling them how to act and trying to dictate the relationship between them and DH. Nothing was really resolved, they didn't stop. And now we don't have a relationship to speak of. DH has been hurt for a long time and I reacted to that, it hurt me that it hurt him so much. Now I realized I should have just let him handle it and I should have left the room/house.
I'm sorry, I just don't think there is an easy answer.
So basically you're in a situation where if you keep your mouth shut, you are subjected to hearing horrible things and insults about your son.... BUT if you speak up, you will probabley be in an even worse situation or perhaps cut off. So no matter what you do, you will suffer while DIL gets to blissfully continue uncalled on her behavior. It depends on which of the two evils is easier for you to take. ME?? I'm at the point where if a situation or relationship becomes to difficult, or upsetting to me.... I'm outta there. I may not do or say anything... just steer clear of her or at the very least, well out of earshot.
Quote from: luise.volta on September 02, 2012, 03:05:20 PM
there is also no way to refute the fact that only those who feel inferior feel the need to put others down to build themselves up.
So true. TMB - Sounds very disrespectful and hurtful. I find I have to continually set boundaries for respectful communication. This idea that you can anything doesn't fly when it hurts people's feelings. A simple statement sometimes works, *I don't want to hear this.* *That's not funny to me.* *Saying that can be hurtful to some people." I agreed with DS that he can tell me how he really feels, but he cannot hurt me. The old adage, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, has been thrown out the window. But thank you for your sharing, because this issue may be part of the reason DS/DIL do not communicate much with me.
I once went out to see a popular local stand up comedian. His idea of funny was to bring people up on stage and tear them apart. I watched as they all laughed fake laughs to show they were good sports, while the audience laughed uncomfortable laughs, either to show they had the correct sense of humor or out of fear of being the next victim.
I left before intermission. I have always despised Don Rickles' insult-type humor that gets a laugh at someone else's expense.
So if my DIL did what you describe, I would say something, and if it continued, I would leave, because I also believe that to stay would be condoning the behavior. If my son chooses to get upset with me for that, well...then he doesn't know me very well. I would rather be hated for speaking my mind than accepted for dummying up.
And I don't care if he does "deserve" it, there are more effective and useful ways to deal with problems than public humiliation. That only compounds it.
As for what I would say, "Shut your pie hole" comes to mind, but it probably would come out more like, "I don't feel comfortable with the jokes about DS's inadequacies, but I am concerned, and if I can help by talking privately, give me a call. " If she wants to get all bent out of shape over that, oh well. At least she knows where I stand.
I agree with Lilly...whatever you can live with better.
Well it happened again. :o DH and I tried a new tactic. When she started, we stopped talking and focused all our attention on her with these bright smiles on our faces. My cousin was visiting and did the same thing. She finally noticed and sputtered into silence. We then resumed a normal conversation. I'm sure she now thinks I'm nuts, but hey. DS was trying hard not to laugh, it's the same tactic I used with my kids when they were having temper tantrums. He remembered!
Good for you! Glad it worked! I can understand why your son wanted to laugh!
Good move, TMB!
Quote from: enorton on September 04, 2012, 02:33:40 PM
Really ladies!!! Are you willing to compromise the person you are because of the immaturity of your AC.
My answer to this is that I would be compromising the person I am if I didn't speak up on behalf of a person I love. Doesn't matter if it was my DH, AC, DM or Best Friend. If someone was trashing them, I would defend them as politely as I could.
I was going to suggest that you hijack the conversation everytime she starts ripping into him and talk about lots of positive/funny things about him. Have other family members join in too to diffuse her completely.
What you did was masterful though. I love that your Son saw what you were doing too :D
Think you replied to a comment not directed at your situation.
Let me remind you enorton, this is a "take what you want and leave the rest" forum. I offered the other side of the coin to what you were saying. You don't have to agree with it.