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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: seafoam on October 31, 2010, 04:53:09 PM

Title: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: seafoam on October 31, 2010, 04:53:09 PM
Just received an email from DS, informing me that DIL doesn't want to spend any time with us, and that he will be spending his vacation time with his wife (and her FOO) in the future.  I don't think he meant it as a final kiss-off, but just as a warning that we shouldn't expect to see him anytime soon.

I am feeling very sad, also feeling very angry toward DS for allowing this.  I toyed with a few simple responses to his email, then decided that nobody on this forum would have approved of my saying anything.  Or at a minimum, you wouldn't have approved of the responses I was crafting.   ;)   I deleted his email as the wisest of all moves.  I am thinking that I need to wait a few weeks to cool down and perk up before I try to discuss this.  Or is it better that I don't ever discuss any of this with DS?  Should I just accept the verdict and get on with my life?   

But ... here is the best part!!!  I am not crying about it, as I used to do.  Just feeling very, very sad.
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: 1Glitterati on October 31, 2010, 05:02:58 PM
I think you are right that the best thing to do is just not reply.  Whatever you say, even if it is "I understand" is likely not to get a positive reaction.  If you throw a fit...you have provided a reason to be put at a further distance.  If you say "that's okay" likely you'll be accused of being a martyr.  There really isn't a way to win it...so I vote the no responding as the best option.  If he asks if you got his email specifically.  Just say "yes".

I'm very confused by this topic...is it a regular thing that people vacation with their parents after they marry?  We've been invited on one with mine...which I shot down.  We went on one with Dh's parents...which was really a family reunion type thing...and I can tell you...there isn't enough tea in all of asia for me to ever do that again.  A family vacation isn't anything I would ever invite my grown children on.  An I the one who is abnormal here?
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: barelythere on October 31, 2010, 05:07:14 PM
Quote from: seafoam on October 31, 2010, 04:53:09 PM
Just received an email from DS, informing me that DIL doesn't want to spend any time with us, and that he will be spending his vacation time with his wife (and her FOO) in the future.  I don't think he meant it as a final kiss-off, but just as a warning that we shouldn't expect to see him anytime soon.

It's a little more than a little unfair.  DS and DIL spent Christmas 2009 with her FOO, and will spend Christmas 2010 there also.  They also spend at least two weeks every year with her FOO at various cottages or hotels on warm beaches, or on ski vacations, or hiking, etc.  Today's email was in response to our invitation for them to join us for a week's skiing in February.

Background: DIL is a child with psychological problems involving her relationship with her parents (she thinks her parents favor her siblings and don't give her an equal share of stuff), with problems involving money (she can never get enough of it), with problems involving cleanliness (OCD), and with an 'I am the queen: notice me!' attitude.  She has never liked us, has treated us poorly every time there was a meeting between us (4 times in 5 years), and would prefer to avoid all contact.

So now DS informs us that DH and I must wait until DIL gets her head on straight!!!?  Frankly, given what we have been through, I don't expect that to happen...

I am feeling very sad, also feeling very angry toward DS for allowing this.  I toyed with a few simple responses to his email, then decided that nobody on this forum would have approved of my saying anything.  Or at a minimum, you wouldn't have approved of the responses I was crafting.   ;)   I deleted his email as the wisest of all moves.  I am thinking that I need to wait a few weeks to cool down and perk up before I try to discuss this.  Or is it better that I don't ever discuss any of this with DS?  Should I just accept the verdict and get on with my life?   

But ... here is the best part!!!  I am not crying about it, as I used to do.  Just feeling very, very sad.

Seafoam,
I am so sorry!!  I don't know what the perfect answer would be but you're right, to me I would not answer it at all.  I think no answer speaks volumes...I might be wrong but that's what I think.  How hurtful this is and how unfair it is.  I'm glad you're not crying and are dealing with it better.  You (us) do deal with it better when you have blow after blow after blow.  Pretty soon, you think that nothing can hurt you again.  Hoping that for you. :)
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: luise.volta on October 31, 2010, 05:10:07 PM
Of course you're feeling sad. It IS sad! My take is that any response from you will be picked apart and criticized...or ignored...(or both.) Good for you for backing off.

That's what I did last week when a member tore into me and then tore our Website apart. I just deleted it. Sending love...
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: barelythere on October 31, 2010, 05:20:09 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on October 31, 2010, 05:10:07 PM
Of course you're feeling sad. It IS sad! My take is that any response from you will be picked apart and criticized...or ignored...(or both.) Good for you for backing off.

That's what I did last week when a member tore into me and then tore our Website apart. I just deleted it. Sending love...

I can't imagine how that would feel when you've put an entire site together for Wise Women to use their wiseness and someone tears into you--- but deleting does have its joys!  Obviously she was not wise, so there!

It's unfortunate that we can't delete hurts from family members like the keyboard can.
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: luise.volta on October 31, 2010, 05:30:03 PM
That's brilliant! I'm going to paint a Delete Button on me someplace!! Then when I've had it with someone, I'm just going to hit the switch! Wonderful!  ;D 8) ;)
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Barbie on October 31, 2010, 07:25:07 PM
Seafoam,
I'm so sorry and I understand how you feel. I hardly ever cry anymore. I think it's best if you can try to go on with your life. Stay strong!
Hugs.
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: LaurieS on October 31, 2010, 07:35:45 PM
Quote from: seafoam on October 31, 2010, 04:53:09 PM
So now DS informs us that DH and I must wait until DIL gets her head on straight!!!?  Frankly, given what we have been through, I don't expect that to happen...
You may only have to wait long enough for your son to get his head on straight, which may happen sooner then her.

I probably would have bounced the message back to your son.. then he would have to wonder if you even received it..then he may have to call you and actually speak the words that he found easier to type.

Actually you did the right thing... good for you!
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Hope on October 31, 2010, 07:58:56 PM
Welcome, Seafoam!  Great job not answering your son's email!  Sounds like you're on the right track.  I'm right there with you - what is wrong with people these days?  It's so selfish to disregard your spouse's foo as insignificant just because. 
1Glitterati - every year we go on vacation with my dh's extended family - a group of about 40+ people.  We have an absolute blast and our adult children look forward to joining the group at least part of the week every year.  Our ds/dil enjoy it, too, b/c there are a lot of cousins their age that they hang out with. 
Luise - there's a weirdo in every crowd.  I'm glad you had the good sense to delete the wacko message.  You're a smart cookie!
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: LaurieS on October 31, 2010, 08:26:31 PM
Hope that sounds like a blast..... what can 40+ people all agree to do?
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Pen on October 31, 2010, 08:36:16 PM
"Just received an email from DS, informing me that DIL doesn't want to spend any time with us, and that he will be spending his vacation time with his wife (and her FOO) in the future." quote from SF.

Does any time mean in addition to not spending vacation time? Or was it just about vacations together?

Except for the "underdog DIL" dynamic, we've got a similar situation. Like you, SF, we said nothing when we got the word via DS that DIL & her FOO didn't like us and that DIL didn't want to spend time with us, vacation or otherwise. I'm so grateful to whatever power held my tongue! Even when DS came to us and expressed his frustration and extreme irritation at DIL, we told him his wife came first and he had to work it out with her. He vented, we listened and said nothing more. We waited for him to contact us. Since then things have been improving, but very slowly.

My FOO didn't do the IL family vacation either, Glitter, but I know lots and lots of families who do, including DIL's FOO. My DF & his wife travel with her adult children and their children, but we've not been invited on any trips. It sounds like it could be a lot of fun, and it also sounds like there could be a lot of drama, LOL. We've not traveled with DS & DIL but have stayed in the same place at the same time briefly along with other family members, if that makes sense? It was fun, but it had its stressful moments.

Hope, may we join your family???
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Sheen on October 31, 2010, 09:13:39 PM
Seafoam,

So sorry to hear you received that email, but do think it is in your best interest that you did not respond.  I get so angry when I hear about these kids of ours feeling the need to offically state they are writing us off from their lives . I don't know about anyone else but I honestly can't think of anyone I knew that actually did that back in the day. If they had problems with their families they might not spend much time with them but nobody ever made a huge stand that they were cutting off their contact with them.

I think that bothers me the most over many of the stories on this site. It seems that our children feel the need to inflict as much hurt as they can by announcing that they are alienating themselves from their families and the worst part is they feel no need to either explain their decisions or back them up with fact. Some of them create this whole fantasy horrible childhood they had and how we were  such horrible parents but the problem is that we all seem to of missed that whole thing or have developed such amnesia that we don't remember it.

I am all for our sons and daughters growing up and becoming independent and living their own lives , it is something we all have done. But I wish someone would explain why this generation feel that it is necessary to so totally commit to their significant others that they need to sacrifice their relationships with their own families to keep peace within their new families.  Whatever happen to a joint relationship where the philosphy of dealing with each other's families is just part of a marriage?  As far as I know the dynamics have never changed, they each came into this world with a dad and a mom and family and yet it seems that more and more feel that only theirs is important enough to invest in.  Sorry for the rant, I just get so irritated with all this.   
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Nana on November 01, 2010, 02:38:00 AM
Seafoam

I also would decide to not answer the mail.  Why should you respond to a nasty...cold hearted mail.  If they had decided to alineate you from their life....so let it be.  Nothing to talk about.  You son knows you and knows how you love him...how could he say that to you....and then rub to your face that they will be spending vacations, holidays, whatever with dil's family.  Mean Mean Mean...

Agree with Sheen... sons inflicting so much pain....not need to hurt those who love you so much.  He could have just excuse himself for not being able to spend time with you.  Instead, he let you know....that you would be cut-off.  He is really angry at you.  I would also be very angry with son.

What could you possibly tell him if you answered the mail?  Nothing to win....

Let him...reconsider by himself.....you dont have to beg..... move on

Love
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: miss_priss on November 01, 2010, 06:48:08 AM
I have to ask the same question as 1Glitterati on this one...do a lot of people do that?  Vacation with parents as adults? 

Idunno, we tried it with my FOO just for a weekend trip, it was....meh, it was ok.  I wouldn't say "fun."  There's always that one who has to get their way and do the things they want to do, sounds like your DIL might be that person.  My mom is that person, but strangely enough, so is my MIL.  We tried a long weekend with DH's FOO once too.  And likewise, there isn't enough tea in all of Asia to make me do that again.  It was a miserable time and I felt like an old dirty babydoll being dragged into every store, every bar, every place MIL wanted to go to.  And when DH and I suggested that we might go do something else for a couple hours together without them, I was accused of "hogging" him all to myself (because of course, it was all MY idea), so of course DH then didn't want to break away in order to keep Mommy happy. 

I personally couldn't imagine spending an entire week or longer with my FOO, or his either.  That's just too terrifying.   
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Pooh on November 01, 2010, 06:54:14 AM
Seafoam, I too think you did the right thing by not saying anything.  It is their choice and one you are just going to have to live with.  Hopefully, since your DS said that you were going to have to wait until DIL got her head together, that means he recognizes it is her issue and not you.  Doesn't make it any easier on you and still hurts, but I see that as a positive.

Glitter and MP, I have never invited my grown children on vacation.  We did discuss all of us getting a cabin in the mountains for a weekend one time, but that never panned out.  I think a weekend getaway somewhere is ok, as long as everyone wants to go.  I did vacation with my Ex and his family years ago, but like Hope, there was about 20 of us that went and it was fun.  But I wouldn't have wanted to go with just my MIL and FIL.
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: pam1 on November 01, 2010, 07:11:10 AM
Seafoam, I am just curious: but how far does your DS/DIL live from you and from her FOO?

We live close to DH's FOO and live on the opposite coast from mine.  We have been asked to vacation with DH's FOO several times and tried it once...not going to happen again and not just b/c of the bad time on it but also b/c we have very limited vacation time.  And we have to factor in every year a visit to my FOO and then remainder is DH's and mine to vacation alone.

I'm also one who has never heard of regular vacationing with FOO's.

Also, was this request asked more than once?  We've found that we've had to be over the top *clear* for it to be heard that a vacation is not going to happen.  I'm not saying that is what happened with you Seafoam, but is it possible that they wanted to make this clear for the future as well?
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Hope on November 01, 2010, 07:48:21 PM
Quote from: Laurie on October 31, 2010, 08:26:31 PM
Hope that sounds like a blast..... what can 40+ people all agree to do?
Oh, my goodness do we have fun!  We own four boats between the different families and a couple jet skis.  We vacation on a lake and water ski, tube, fish, whatever turns you on.  We also use to have campfires at night, but changed our location to one that is not campfire friendly.  Each family plans one dinner for the week and there are enough families to cover a week of meals.  The night your family serves dinner you also have a fun activity for everyone.  The first year our dil dated our ds she joined us on this vacation and she had so much fun she decided not to go home early as originally planned.  She was hooked :D.  Unfortunately, there is also a lot of drinking going on.  My dh's foo has some alcoholics in the family and I don't care for that part.  You wouldn't believe all the drinking that goes on.  I'm a slight social drinker, but usually I don't even have one alcoholic beverage all week.  I'd much rather spend my calories on a piece of pie - lol!  You wouldn't believe the fun activities the different families plan - just a blast!
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Tara on November 01, 2010, 08:14:50 PM
Seafoam,  sorry for your pain.  I admire that you didn't respond to the e-mail.  Good for you.  I wish I wouldn't have responded to my
DIL's emails.  My DH kept saying "let it go"  "Don't respond" but I continued...I didn't say anything bad per se, but it would have been
so much more empowering to me to not have. 

A friend told me a story about how sometimes there is a 'fish hook' kind of situation and said she bites right into the fish hook.
in this case you didn't and are a great role model for me in the future! 

Take care.

Tara
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: barelythere on November 01, 2010, 08:19:55 PM
Quote from: Tara on November 01, 2010, 08:14:50 PM
Seafoam,  sorry for your pain.  I admire that you didn't respond to the e-mail.  Good for you.  I wish I wouldn't have responded to my
DIL's emails.  My DH kept saying "let it go"  "Don't respond" but I continued...I didn't say anything bad per se, but it would have been
so much more empowering to me to not have. 

A friend told me a story about how sometimes there is a 'fish hook' kind of situation and said she bites right into the fish hook.
in this case you didn't and are a great role model for me in the future! 

Take care.

Tara

Honestly, when you get your hand burned by putting it in the fire enough times, you quit putting it there.  It's as simple as that.  This is so liberating to be free of constantly trying to engage them, anything to make them happy and to like us.  When you stop, they get on board and want you to put your hand in the fire again but by then, you don't want to anymore cause it burns. DUH!
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Tara on November 01, 2010, 08:41:01 PM
Dear Barely There,

I really need to ponder your wise words.    I so relate to what you say about wanting to be liked and wanting to please our
ds/dil, etc.  but I haven't yet  learned  skillful ways to not engage   Now I'm seeing the light a bit about how to stop.
I feel I know alot about somethings but have alot to learn in this departmetn

thanks.  Tara
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: barelythere on November 01, 2010, 08:56:00 PM
Quote from: Tara on November 01, 2010, 08:41:01 PM
Dear Barely There,

I really need to ponder your wise words.    I so relate to what you say about wanting to be liked and wanting to please our
ds/dil, etc.  but I haven't yet  learned  skillful ways to not engage   Now I'm seeing the light a bit about how to stop.
I feel I know alot about somethings but have alot to learn in this departmetn

thanks.  Tara

But it takes awhile, Tara.  It just does.  I tried for years to engage the DIL but no could do.  I just stopped.  It's like my hand in the fire thing, I got burned so many times, I finally figured out what was hurting me.  I quit any engaging at all.   Now, I'm finding out that she wants to engage me!  Sometimes I allow it and sometimes I don't.  Stopping the begging works miracles.  No crying, no sad eyes, hoping for a kind look.  No more heartbreak.  They are missing out on so much fun that we are now giving others who love it.  We're the Sillies and we are fun. Actually, I'm more fun than my husband who thinks too much. 
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Tara on November 01, 2010, 10:09:58 PM
BT, 

It seems like one gains respect by stopping when you 'stop the begging' as you say.  quite powerful.  when you stopped engaging
did you stop talking to her altogether? 

Tara
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Tara on November 01, 2010, 10:12:17 PM
BT,

forgot to menton I love that you can be silly.  I'm a bit slow in that dept, but can be fun when not suffering over DS and DIL.
8) ;D
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: barelythere on November 02, 2010, 04:51:13 AM
Quote from: Tara on November 01, 2010, 10:09:58 PM
BT, 

It seems like one gains respect by stopping when you 'stop the begging' as you say.  quite powerful.  when you stopped engaging
did you stop talking to her altogether? 

Tara


Tara,
No, at no time did I ever stop speaking or interacting with them when I saw them.   It happened in my heart and mind and I just shut off the valve that meant every little slight broke me.  I didn't do it deliberately, it happened over time wasn't anything I was looking to do.  I just shut it off to protect myslelf, I guess. Now, not anything can hurt me I don't think....  Wish I could explain it better.  Once in awhile, I get hurt but I don't stay that way.  I was once so broken that I couldn't imagine living anymore.  Thank goodness I didn't give in.
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Tara on November 02, 2010, 08:13:03 AM
BT

thanks for explaining how your worked through this.  I hope I will get there.

For a few days last week I felt a bit like life wasn't worth living too
so I can relate.

Tara
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: justdontunderstand on November 02, 2010, 02:14:05 PM
Quote from: Tara on November 02, 2010, 08:13:03 AM
BT

thanks for explaining how your worked through this.  I hope I will get there.

For a few days last week I felt a bit like life wasn't worth living too
so I can relate.

Tara

Tara,

You are not alone in feeling so sad about the situation. Sometimes I feel so low the curb looks too high to get up on. ;) It seems to go in cycles for me. I  will be moving along in a "not so sad state" then BLAM! a  DS memory will come up or I see a grandma with a grandchild and I think "that will never be me". I have to work very hard to pull myself up and move on. Maintaining hope is the biggest challenge in my daily life. I try to remember that I have a life other than being a Mom and MIL. I fill my time with that life and leave the other life on the shelf for future unpacking if the chance comes along.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Posting here is the safest place I know to express the hurt and receive acceptance and understanding back. Hang in there!
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: barelythere on November 02, 2010, 02:16:19 PM
Quote from: justdontunderstand on November 02, 2010, 02:14:05 PM
Quote from: Tara on November 02, 2010, 08:13:03 AM
BT

thanks for explaining how your worked through this.  I hope I will get there.

For a few days last week I felt a bit like life wasn't worth living too
so I can relate.

Tara

:'(

Tara,

You are not alone in feeling so sad about the situation. Sometimes I feel so low the curb looks too high to get up on. ;) It seems to go in cycles for me. I  will be moving along in a "not so sad state" then BLAM! a  DS memory will come up or I see a grandma with a grandchild and I think "that will never be me". I have to work very hard to pull myself up and move on. Maintaining hope is the biggest challenge in my daily life. I try to remember that I have a life other than being a Mom and MIL. I fill my time with that life and leave the other life on the shelf for future unpacking if the chance comes along.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Posting here is the safest place I know to express the hurt and receive acceptance and understanding back. Hang in there!
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Tara on November 02, 2010, 04:50:58 PM
Thank you much BT

Tara
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Pen on November 02, 2010, 09:35:02 PM
It's sad to read that you felt a bit like life wasn't worth living. Our lives may change but they can still be good, and there are many women here who can attest to that. When we're in the thick of dealing with this stuff it seems like we'll never regain our center, our joy, or our zest for living, but slowly, step by step, we begin the healing process. I know I'm much better now although I have setbacks. When the setbacks occur I know things will improve if I take care of myself by posting/reading here and doing the activities that help me move forward emotionally, physically and mentally.

Best wishes to you! You've got quite a community behind you.
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: cremebrulee on November 03, 2010, 04:10:15 AM
Quote from: seafoam on October 31, 2010, 04:53:09 PM
Just received an email from DS, informing me that DIL doesn't want to spend any time with us, and that he will be spending his vacation time with his wife (and her FOO) in the future.  I don't think he meant it as a final kiss-off, but just as a warning that we shouldn't expect to see him anytime soon.

I am feeling very sad, also feeling very angry toward DS for allowing this.  I toyed with a few simple responses to his email, then decided that nobody on this forum would have approved of my saying anything.  Or at a minimum, you wouldn't have approved of the responses I was crafting.   ;)   I deleted his email as the wisest of all moves.  I am thinking that I need to wait a few weeks to cool down and perk up before I try to discuss this.  Or is it better that I don't ever discuss any of this with DS?  Should I just accept the verdict and get on with my life?   

But ... here is the best part!!!  I am not crying about it, as I used to do.  Just feeling very, very sad.

It's very very hard, isn't it...but Seafoam, I'm very proud of you girl, for waiting until you calm down before you write, b/c the anger would certainly show, out of hurt and rejection....that's a tough pill to swallow....for anyone....when our son's marry, we have this idea in our heads of how it's all goin gto be, and when it starts going wrong, it's awful difficult to face that it's not going to be that way....and I really do think, a lot of us take it personal, like DIL is doing this on purpose, or DIL dislikes me, or DIL is this or that...we want to be liked, everyone does...but I don't believe it's a matter of being liked or disliked, I just feel it's more like the vacation thing...where DIL would much rather be with her parents, and her traditions she grew up with...it's more comfortable for her, and our son's just want they're wives to be happy....

Yanno, I wanted a boy, when I was pregnant....everyone else wanted a girl....when my son was born, never, ever did I realize, what I was in for, as we all are just so unaware of....but having a son is very very hard, b/c when they grow up and marry, they take off with they're wives forgetting about fair and the fact that his parents want quality time with them....it's very hard....but I don't believe it's meant to be a personal attack....it's just the way things are....

I know and realize that some cases are...but the majority of the problem is within us mother's who actually feel like we loose our traditions....some DIL's do want to be with the inlaws...b/c they get along very famously, or her parents are gone....or there were problems...

but in the case of adult children, I think it would be much easier to have a daughter....because when daughters grow up, and start having they're children, the majority of them seem to want they're moms in they're lives...and they do come home....however, I can just imagine how difficult those teenage years are with daughters....sheesh.... ::) and maybe I'm wrong? 

Having and raising a son was easy to me, the hard part was when he married....?  But I blame a lot of that on myself....I should have never ever reacted so imaturely and badly when I couldn't understand DIL's actions....



Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: jill on November 03, 2010, 05:49:30 AM
Creme,   It's not easier having daughters.  I know lot of people who are closer to their sons than I am to my daughters.  It makes it harder, as everyone expects you will be close to your daughters.  As the saying goes, "a son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughters a daughter all of her life. "   Not true in my case.  I think this generation of daughters seem to think they know everything, and we did everything wrong.  I admit I don't know how they manage a family, full time job etc. as I was a stay at home mom.  I think that's part of the reason they have no time for me, just no time.  But they could still have respect.    I am still in the grief and anger stage with my odd, and still can't imagine not seeing her again or my precious gd.
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: cremebrulee on November 03, 2010, 06:36:51 AM
Quote from: jill on November 03, 2010, 05:49:30 AM
Creme,   It's not easier having daughters.  I know lot of people who are closer to their sons than I am to my daughters.  It makes it harder, as everyone expects you will be close to your daughters.  As the saying goes, "a son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughters a daughter all of her life. "   Not true in my case.  I think this generation of daughters seem to think they know everything, and we did everything wrong.  I admit I don't know how they manage a family, full time job etc. as I was a stay at home mom.  I think that's part of the reason they have no time for me, just no time.  But they could still have respect.    I am still in the grief and anger stage with my odd, and still can't imagine not seeing her again or my precious gd.

Hello Jill
I'm very very sorry your hurting....and your daughters are not being as they should....in time, perhaps they'll grow up and realize, mom is very important to they're lives...

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: justus on November 03, 2010, 07:08:28 AM
What stopping the begging does is stopping the guilt trips. I don't think we understand the effect we have on other people. While you all thought you were lying prostrate on the floor asking them to walk all over you, they were feeling pressured, guilt tripped, and manipulated into doing what you wanted them to do because there was always the threat of hurting your feelings if they didn't. No one likes that sort of pressure. Now that you have backed off, they feel free to do what they want without worrying about stepping on eggshells. Without the dog faces and tears, you have become someone who is good to be around where before you were a complete downer. They don't dread phone calls and visits because they know they are not going to feel any pressure or guilt. They are no longer the bad guys to your victim.

Oh, I wish my own Mom would learn this lesson. I miss the person she was before I got married to DH and she became so afraid she was loosing me. That person was fun to be around and we shared a lot of the same interests. Then she became a total downer to be around always needing me to confirm that I loved her. I so much wanted an adult relationship with her in which she wore her big girl pants all the time and I didn't have to be responsible for her emotional well-being. She just never got the point where she could live her own life without holding my hand. She became so clingy, I felt that I couldn't live my own life with my own DH and my own children. I am sure she doesn't think that she was this bad, and maybe she wasn't, but it felt like it from my end. On top of being clingy, she was incredibly critical. It was in self-defense. She thought we were being critical of her, so she went on the defense and found everything wrong with us.

Lets just face it, clingy and needy are not attractive and can be downright repulsive in a grown person. I think it can be as simple as that.
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Tara on November 03, 2010, 09:14:34 AM
Nice explanation Creme
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: Nana on November 03, 2010, 01:48:00 PM
Justus

Good post....we need not be clingy and play the victim role to the eyes of our children.  They need the independent strong mom they had before they got marry.   Walking on egg shells is exhausting  for either one. 

Love     
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: cadagi101 on November 03, 2010, 02:41:43 PM
Quote from: jill on November 03, 2010, 05:49:30 AM
.  I know lot of people who are closer to their sons than I am to my daughters.  It makes it harder, as everyone expects you will be close to your daughters.  As the saying goes, "a son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughters a daughter all of her life. "   Not true in my case.   

I wholeheartedly agree, it is a sad situation.     I wish I was closer to my daughter, she pushes me away.  I am hoping when she is married and a mum, she will want her mum...
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: tryingmybest on November 04, 2010, 09:10:20 AM
Is there any possibility DIL hacked into your son's email account and WROTE and SENT the e-mail? I wouldn't delete it completely. Print it out and keep it. What I would do is call son at work and say "I got your e-mail about holidays, and I'm so sorry you have to go through all this stress. there is no pressure from us, we love, and we will always be here for you when you need us, and then that's it!"

I would not be surprised if the first thing out of his mouth is "what e-mail?" :o 
Title: Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
Post by: luise.volta on November 04, 2010, 10:37:34 AM
Good point! Sending love...