I didn't have a chance to thank everyone for all the advice and support I received on my previous post. I'm sorry that my post caused so many problems to the point that Luise had to lock it. I had asked for advice on another website about the same issue but I was attacked over there, so I was very glad to find this forum. The problem is that some people from the other website found my post here and decided to start attacking me here too. Thank you Luise and Pooh for resolving the situation.
I'm venturing to post again about my isuue because things have now gotten worse and I really need advice. I was planning to follow some of the suggestions I got here and drop one of my visits to my son next year, so that I would only visit once. I called him today to arrange that visit, only to be told that he and his wife have decided that they don't want to have any visitors next year neither from her family or his (me). I was so in shock that I didn't have much of a reaction but now I'm starting to panic. I never thought that DIL would succeed in separating me from my son and I don't know what to do at this point. Should I just drop the issue and try to arrange a visit again after next year, or do you all think I should call back and try to convince my son to let me go over there just once next year? I'm really worried since this is so unlike him. Thanks for any input.
Lauren, I know for myself that when I focus on other people (why they're doing what they're doing, what I can do to "make" them do it differently, what their actions may "mean", etc.) that I make myself utterly miserable. My son has estranged himself from several people in the family, including me, his father, and his aunt. There are a number of reasons for this, including a drug problem, but the bottom line is that he's an adult and can set the parameters of his own life even if they don't include me. I'm also an adult, and (as Luise says) I was a complete person before I had my son, and I'm still a complete person now that he's grown and flown. Doesn't mean I always know what to do with myself, but over the past couple of years, I've really come to appreciate being able to live my life on my own terms, and not just in relation to his needs / preferences / actions.
Some questions I found useful when I was faced with the idea of not having contact with my son: What do you think about the idea of just stepping back from him completely for a little while and focusing on yourself and your life as a person separate from motherhood? If you thought you might want to do that, what do you think it might look like for you? Is there something you've always wanted to do that you thought might be too time consuming or take you away from your mom role or from being available to visit / call your son regularly? What is it about not visiting him that fills you with such panic? (Panic was true for me as well, and I had to really examine what it was that I thought would happen to me, and to him, if I wasn't in contact with him.)
Oh Lauren, it sounds to me like you are trying to figure things out without all of the facts. Something is happening with your DS and DIL and you have no idea what. My take is that they need some space and the more willingly you give it the better. I would offer to come over and stay with the kids for your DS/DIL to take a vacation.....maybe you would see them for a little while that way and your DS&DIL could get away for a while. Make sure it is an offer and whether they take you up on it or not is entirely up to them. Make the offer as open ended as you can. Be supportive, cross your fingers and wait.
Oh, and Elsiehaye is right.....you need to focus on doing something you like. If you don't spend the money going to visit them what fun things can you afford?
I would go for respect. Even if my wishes weren't being respected...I would respect his. He has the right to set boundaries without dialogue. Many of us here, as you have read, have found within us...a dormant self ready to surface with a little coaxing. What is...is. What can we do beyond that...where we actually get to vote?
Thanks ladies. The reason why I feel this panic is because now it feels even more real that my son is trying to cut me out of his life. I think he told me that his wife's relatives are not allowed to visit either next year just to soften the blow. Her family has visited them only a handful of times since they moved so it is not even likely that they would have visited next year, the only person who has been consistently visiting them all this time has been me.
I agree with Louise - it seems respecting his decision might be the wisest course. If I understand correctly, it sounds like he didn't solicit your opinion of what he or they were thinking about visitors, rather he told you what they had decided. Hopefully after a year he will want you to visit again. In the meantime, would Skype calls be something to consider or request? I look forward to Skype calls with my ds and his family since they live far away. I am sorry for the pain this is causing you.
Their reasons for declining visitors may have nothing to do with you. Perhaps there are issues in the marriage, they genuinely need a break from playing tour guide to friends and family, or want to save their holidays for a larger vacation. It's easier said than done to not take it personally though. This may be a blessing in disguise, and give you the opportunity to do some travelling on your own.
I'm curious how often they take family vacations on their own, and how often they come home to visit?
Have you talked to your DS about your concerns? Maybe give it a bit of time before you speak with him next, let him know how you feel and you think some distance is needed. Let them come to you when they're ready.
I'm sorry you won't be visiting your son next year.
I'm not sure if this will change your DS & DILs mind about you visiting, but have you tried apologizing??? I read your last post and TBH I think you made some classic MIL mistakes...
1. you never liked your DIL, but insisted that she spend the entire visit with you.
2. you came twice a year for ten days each.
I couldn't help but wonder why if you never liked your DIL would you insist that she spend time with you? Also, did your DS invite you on these trips or did you invite yourself? Frankly, I would resent it if someone insisted on me spending time with them even for one day, let alone 20.
I'd also resent it if someone came over uninvited. If your son put up with this for 15 years, then he must really love you...
I have a clingy MIL that likes to visit and stay for two weeks, and spend every second with us. If you can tell us why you did this, maybe it will give me some insight as to why my MIL does it.
BTW, there is nothing wrong with apologizing. In fact, it takes a big person to apologize and may even mend your relationship with your DS & DIL.
How about just writing them a note stating, you understand that they need time for themselves. Don't say, - I'll miss you -, can't wait to see you in 2 years, or how sad this has made you.
Be cool about it, and even if it kills you; be cheerful. ;D
They will appreciate it so much, that you will probably get close to them again..
Lauren... you have absolutely NOTHING you need to feel bad about or apolgize for.. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to see your family and to be with them, and if you don't know what other sins you are supposedly guilty of, how can you apologize.. and more accurately WHY would you? IMO, the only thing you are guilty of is having expectations and desires of closeness that are not the same as theirs, for whatever reason. My advise to you is to back off.. give them space, and certainly don't cry or beg. That is only going to honk them off even more. You could say that you really enjoyed your visits and you are sorry that that you will not be able to see them this year. Then, I would just tell them that whatever they want is fine with you and to contact you when they are ready to have a visit from you and leave it go at that. Suppose they don't? Well, what can you do about it? Nothing. Take your time processing this situation. Come here for support and caring.. and work on YOUR life and on doing things that will make YOU happy and bring you comfort and peace.
I'm seconding what some of the others said. You are not going to like it, but you need to respect what they are asking. I wouldn't ask anything about visiting again, but leave it with a simple, "I understand. Well let me know if you ever decide you're up for visitors." I would never bring it up again. Sometimes, not always, respecting the other's boundaries will actually make them want to visit or invite you later on. Maybe not. I also would suggest you not make the weekly phone calls and leave that up to DS as well. I know you feel that you are trying to keep the relationship alive and I totally understand that, but it takes both sides to keep it going and right now, you are the only one trying.
I have seen several people comment on the 10 day thing. I do think 10 days with anyone is way to long to stay in the same house, even if the people get along. But I do think there is one dynamic everyone is missing here in regards to Lauren's situation. Cost of going overseas. If I was spending that type of money on a flight (which is normally your huge expense), I would be staying several days as well. I say this, because I will probably be in this situation in the future as DS may get stationed overseas. I can see where I would stay for several days due to expense. I could not afford to pay that type of flight money and only stay for 2-3 days. I would only be able to afford it maybe once a year, so I would want to stay several days.
Now, I'm in a different situation than you Lauren in regards to my YS/DIL. I get along with them and let her live with us for a year while he was deployed. So I wouldn't have any qualms staying with them for several days. Now, if I was in your situation where I didn't get along with DIL, I wouldn't stay with them and would only go if I could afford to stay off-site, if invited. If I wasn't being invited by either of them, then I would save my money and do something nice for myself. I tend to like the Caribbean. ;D
QuoteI have seen several people comment on the 10 day thing. I do think 10 days with anyone is way to long to stay in the same house, even if the people get along. But I do think there is one dynamic everyone is missing here in regards to Lauren's situation. Cost of going overseas. If I was spending that type of money on a flight (which is normally your huge expense), I would be staying several days as well. I say this, because I will probably be in this situation in the future as DS may get stationed overseas. I can see where I would stay for several days due to expense. I could not afford to pay that type of flight money and only stay for 2-3 days. I would only be able to afford it maybe once a year, so I would want to stay several days.
I was thinking this as well Pooh. Unless you are made of money, who can afford to fly to Europe from the States and stay only a day or two. With the price of airfare, I sure would be staying several weeks. Also, I could not afford it every year, let alone twice a year. I can understand why the length of the visits. AND I can understand Lauren's position of wanting to spend that time with her family rather than strike off on her own for sightseeing.
Hey.. Ladies... last year we all went on our imaginary cruise for the Holidays!! Louise.. any chance we could get that ship back for another trip?
sorry lilly,
i really didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anyone eles's. i realize this is a very sensitive topic and i'll try to be a little more sympathetic next time.
if its alright, i'd still love for lauran to answer my original questions... i truly believe it can help DILs like me understand why a MIL might do those things. it might even help some of the MILs too.
i hope my advise on apologizing wasn't hurtful, i just really thought it might help. i've had to apologize many times in my life, and i always feel great after doing so. kind of like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders... plus i really do think that as long as there was no major damage done (like murder) most people are open enough to appreciate (an accept) a sinsere apology. it might even help them to start anew.
My personal opinion is that apologies can go a long way in any situation, if the other party is receptive to the apologies.
I do think many good intentions, by both DILs and MILs backfire. I can see where Lauren thought she was doing a good thing by wanting DIL present, thinking it would be great to have the whole family together. I can see where DIL could feel like that was too demanding. I get both sides. I too make apologies, even when I do something that wasn't meant to be taken as it was, but still caused issues or hurt feelings.
I quit apologizing when the other party isn't receptive, uses it for future gain or takes the apology as an admittance that I am always wrong and they are always right.
It's not about being right or wrong. It's about compromise, accepting each other's differences and realizing that people have to have give-and-take to make any relationship work.
M - How about sharing your own experience. We often learn from each other that way better than question and answer or abstract advice. Many of us arrive pretty thin-skinned and sensitive for obvious reasons. Thanks.
Quote from: miamilady on December 09, 2013, 09:02:39 AM
sorry lilly,
i really didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anyone eles's. i realize this is a very sensitive topic and i'll try to be a little more sympathetic next time.
if its alright, i'd still love for lauran to answer my original questions... i truly believe it can help DILs like me understand why a MIL might do those things. it might even help some of the MILs too.
i hope my advise on apologizing wasn't hurtful, i just really thought it might help. i've had to apologize many times in my life, and i always feel great after doing so. kind of like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders... plus i really do think that as long as there was no major damage done (like murder) most people are open enough to appreciate (an accept) a sinsere apology. it might even help them to start anew.
No miamilady, you didn't hurt my feelings with your post.. nor is a sensitive topic for me. I simpy disagreed with it in this instance.
Apologizing when you have no idea WHAT you've done makes no sense. In Lauren's case.. she asked her DS what the problem was and he wasn't forthcoming. So what on earth does Lauren have to apologize for? According to her son.. she did nothing. They just made the dicision to not have visitors. Begging someone to tell you what has upset them... when they keep saying nothing.. is kind of self defeating wouldn't you agree? I have no problems apologizing for something I've done, or even for something that I've done inadvertantly.. it's when it's a nebulous thing or when someone doesn't give me the courtesy of an honest answer or any answer at all as in this case ... that's when I would refuse.
I have a MIL who likes to come and stay for two weeks per year (she used to stay for four months) but after two years of marriage me AND my husband decided that a four month visit was unnecessary. I think she's bitter about that, especially since we have kids now.
My first experience with a visit from my MIL was when my husband and I came home from our honeymoon. MIL came over and stayed with us in our small one bedroom apartment. We had virtually no privacy (mind you we were newlyweds). She wanted to do everything with us. Whenever we went to the beach, shopping, or to a restaurant she third wheeled it with us. One night, my husband and I had the same night off. The plan was to sit on the sofa and enjoy a nice romantic comedy with a bowl of ice cream.MIL saw us and went to the kitchen to get three spoons and sat down with us to share the bowl of ice cream.... WOLF!
Two years later, baby number one came which made things even more tense. The day after I came home from the hospital, she invited herself over and everything was down hill after that. Unwanted advice, extended stay, making noise while baby and I were trying to sleep, watching me breastfeed, inviting over her estranged FOO... The whole nine yards.
I talked to my husband about it and he told me that he actually didn't want his mom visiting longer than a week, but didn't want to hurt her feelings. To make a long story short, DH and MIL eventually got into an argument. She claimed he wasn't spending enough time with her, so now she comes for shorter visits.
MIL and I are cordial, but whenever she visits it feels forced and uncomfortable, not only for me but DS too. I actually have to talk him into taking MIL out of the house for lunch or something... After she leaves, it takes me a few days to recover.
You get your wings with that one! Wow! I would never have gone the extra mile...(or 100!) As in NEVER!
Lilly,
Thanks for your comment. I'm going to copy and paste a paragraph from Lauren's last topic:
"I've never liked my daughter in law but I have always insisted that the whole family is together at all times when I'm there because I only see them twice a year so I want all of us to spend as much time together as possible. My son used to support me in this and whenever his wife tried to go places by herself, he would make her stay with me and she acted friendly to me even though I could sense it was all fake. All of this has changed and now I hardly see her and the children when I visit because the whole time I'm there she is gone. She makes herself very busy and my grandchildren spend a lot of time in their rooms when I'm visiting. My son seems annoyed with my visits and calls and I'm devastated"
I suggested that she apologize for insisting that her DIL spend time with her at all times. Some people might be offended by that (esp. when it's for 20 days) and even more so, if it's from someone who never liked them. Furthermore, I'm sure that her DIL is a busy mom/wife, who have a life of her own. Spending time with someone that dislikes you at all times maybe seen as unfair when they have a busy schedule.
Secondly, I wondered if she was invited for 20 days. That might be a little too much for some people as well. Many people in Europe live in very small living quarters, so having a 20 day unwanted visit from someone who dislikes you makes things that more much unpleasant.
Quote from: Lillycache on December 09, 2013, 09:50:57 AM
Quote from: miamilady on December 09, 2013, 09:02:39 AM
Apologizing when you have no idea WHAT you've done makes no sense. In Lauren's case.. she asked her DS what the problem was and he wasn't forthcoming.
Sorry, I must have missed that post.
Thank you all again. I will answer some of the questions to get your perspectives because I'm clearly missing something in this whole situation. My son, DIL, and GC have come here maybe 5 times since they moved away and the years in between, they've always taken a vacation together somewhere. I've never considered staying in a hotel because to me it sounds very sad to have to stay in a hotel after you make the effort (physically and financially) to go so far to visit family. I think families should always open their homes for each other.
There were basically two reasons why I always insisted that my daughter in law was present when I was visiting. One reason was that I felt she should be included in the family and the other reason was that I wanted my family to be close and it didn't seem right for her to marry my son (which my late husband and I didn't agree with) and then be able to go off and do her own thing while ignoring his family. My late husband used to join me on one of the visits every year, and I would visit by myself the second time. We both always insisted that DIL was present at all times and our son always supported us on that but lately it is like he is a completely different man that I don't even know anymore. Not that it matters but my husband and I never had a very good relationship, so my son was always a great source of love and comfort and I always looked forward to the visits and phone calls. It all changed within the past year and I can't help to think that DIL has poisoned him against me.
I have two other children (a son and a daughter) who live a couple of hours away from me but I've never been that close to them and they are not very interested in getting together with me. Usually I only see them 2 or 3 times a year and just for the day. When their kids were younger I would offer to babysit, but most of the time they always had some excuse so it would only happen if I begged for it. Right now it feels like life is so unfair.
I wonder what the result would have been if DIL had been given some space to run some errands and have some "Me" time, and then join up with everyone later in the day. Many of my friends have children who live in other cities. One of the best gifts they give to their kids is a bit of a break while they're visiting - allowing themselves some time with their grandkids and their children time to recharge. I imagine since your DS/DIL are living in another country without family support, they haven't been able to do many things on their own.
Lauren, I'm sorry you're sad and feeling alone. I agree that maybe cutting back on things will save what relationship you have left with your DS? Maybe it's not all your DIL? With what you've told us you expect more from this son than his brother and sister who live close to you. If I read that right?
And what you insist on is a big amount of pressure on your DILs life.
Every family is different I know this. But I have two of the best DILs anyone could hope for out of all 3. And I don't think they'd want to be front and center with me that long either. Sending you a big hug and hope all gets worked out for you.
Lauren, many of us here have found that some of our biggest hang-ups is getting over our own expectations. Many times our expectations are very reasonable and most people would see them as "normal" so it's hard for us to believe that the other party wouldn't want the same things. But the truth is, even when they are reasonable, they belong to us. Just because we want something, doesn't mean the other person(s) does. Yes, it's not fair and hard for us to fathom they don't, but it's still on us.
I will tell you that if anyone insisted that I remain in their company for days on end and didn't want me to do anything but what they wanted, I would be put off to and would revolt as well. I get that your intentions are well placed and you are just trying to figure out how to be a closer family. Luise has said many times that we get hung up on being right. Are you right to want a closer family? Sure, I would think so and I think any person wants their family to be close. Can you put yourself in your DIL's shoes? Can you step away from all the emotional stuff and think how you would feel if someone that you didn't like, and they didn't like you, was insistent that they spend days with you?
I also understand that you didn't have the closest marriage and your DS was the bridge for you. As much as it hurts, when our children become adults, they are not responsible for our happiness. It's hard because they have been our happy place for years, and now we have to let them go and find their own lives. Sure, in a perfect world we maintain a loving relationship and are included in parts of their lives, but we are no longer their lives.
I truly hope you can try to respect their boundaries and see what happens. I also hope you can find things that make you happy that doesn't include them. I think one of the biggest life's lessons I learned was that no one is responsible for my happiness but myself. Do you have hobbies that you love or something you have always wanted to try?
Miamilady, you are a better person than me. I would have booted her out!
MG - I modified your last post by leaving off the first paragraph. You made your point in the second one more kindly. 'I' posts are less confrontational than 'you' posts. We are crossing a lot of lines here in tolerance, anxiety levels, conditioning and even cultural issues. Thanks.
Quote from: Pooh on December 10, 2013, 06:16:02 AM
I think one of the biggest life's lessons I learned was that no one is responsible for my happiness but myself.
This was a huge lesson for me as well, Pooh, and I'm still learning it. Your point about expectations is a good reminder for me as well - no matter how reasonable I think I'm being, if I let myself fall into the thinking error of believing that my preferences and beliefs are a mandate for anyone else, I damage relationships. The trick for me is always catching myself in the act - by definition, preferences and beliefs are slippery things and try to evade examination.
Elsie
luaren,
so sorry that you aren't getting along with your children. i wish i had a magic solution to make it all better. hopefully, within time you and your family will work everything out. in the mean time, it seems like you have a lot of supportive moms here that have been through similar experiences, maybe you can find comfort in knowing you're not alone.
luise,
thanks for having everyones feelings at heart. i sure wouldn't want to upset anyone, we've expreinced enough of that already. besides, i don't even remember what i wrote :)
Quote from: miamilady on December 10, 2013, 09:17:40 AM
luise,
thanks for having everyones feelings at heart. i sure wouldn't want to upset anyone, we've expreinced enough of that already. besides, i don't even remember what i wrote :)
Miamilady, she didn't modify your post. She was explaining why she modified MG - MountainGirl
oh in that case, i don't even remember what SHE wrote. lol
That's because I deleted it MM. We have a monitored Website because that's what works best. It's not a perfect plan but we want everyone to feel as comfortable as possible. We don't need to agree...except to agree to be kind. That's always up for interpretation, of course, but I have three really awesome Moderators. Once in a while we get someone who just wants agreement and doesn't listen to what anyone offers. They are few and far between and are pretty recognizable by their 'Yeah buts.' When that happens...we just lock the thread and pass on it.
I've been thinking a lot and taking in all the advice I've received here and it is becoming clear that I need to drop the visits and calls to my son or otherwise he is going to do it himself and that would most likely hurt more than if I do it myself. The phone calls for the past few months have been very difficult since I'm the only one talking while he just gives me one word answers. Before he would always pick up the phone right away when I called, but now it takes two or three calls for him to finally pick up, so I'm afraid that if I keep calling he is probably not going to answer anymore the same way he told me that I can't come to visit next year. It is just so hard to have to give up on my relationship with him after so many years and to completely lose my support system since my other children have no interest in me. I know this doesn't sound good but I wish he hadn't married that girl. It can't be right to totally pull a son away from his mother. Thank you all for the support.
I'm sorry Lauren. It does stink when this happens. My hope for you is that you will discover in distancing yourself that you deserve better and can find things in your life that make you happy. One of my favorite sayings is "Don't let someone take up space in your head that isn't paying rent."
I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it does get better and you will find that life has much to offer if you let it.
Lauren, great idea. Can you use the money to take a nice cruise or some kind of other trip that will make you happy. You know this, but absence does make the heart grow fonder (or suppose to anyway). Put the ball in his court and one day maybe he'll realize that he is really missing his mama and wants to talk to/see you/have your grandkids in your life, etc. If he sees you are happy and having fun, might make him realize that it's not all about him and your DIL. We all have our problems, some big, some small, some real, some imagined (on all our parts), but we have to pull on our big girl panties and have some time for ourselves.
This will be the first Christmas in many years that we will not have a house full on Christmas Day. But on the Sat after, we will have ALL the kids and grandkids here! So, we may be at the Waffle House for CD or we may stay home and make a sandwich. Either way, we'll be looking forward to the Sat after. We quit visiting our son in IL after a fiasco a couple of years ago, so we're all much happier.
L - Good for you! There is life beyond parenting...I am living proof! Hugs...
I am sorry to Lauren. I know this hurts something awful!! And there probably isn't anything you want to do more than spend time with someone you love so much. I would be confused at why after all this time. But it is what it is, as they say.
The ladies here seem to have found ways to move on and have a good life. So you and I will live and learn. Right?
Sending you warm thoughts and big hugs....
I am sorry too Lauren, but be honest......how much enjoyment have you gotten from those visits and calls lately? I would think that you almost wished you had not called (or gone). Wouldn't the stress level in your life go down if you just put the whole thing on the back burner for a while?
Lauren, I have read both your posts-I am sorry for you, but I want to ask you some questions and hope you will reply:
1) Have you tried to reach out to your other children? Do you think they would be open to a relationship with you now?
2) It would help immensely if we knew why you didn't like your DIL. I think she is the key here. I do not think she is influencing your son. I think he has a mind of his own. But I think that maybe if you really tried to find something to like about your DIL, it would help. Tell her that when you visit, she is free to go and come as she chooses-she is an adult and it is her home-but you would still like to see her. Have you two ever had a heart to heart? Has she ever done anything to make her think badly of you?
3) I want to share a story-when I was first married, I had severe problems with my husband's grandmother. She was very, very old fashioned. Anyway, she had a standing monthly appointment when she would come visit us. Unfortunately, I was usually gone when this happened or I would say hello and run out the door. Reason being, during the first 6 months of our marriage, my godmother was dying a slow painful death from cancer. I was always visiting at the hospital, picking up relatives from the airport so they could say goodbye to my godmother, etc. Because of this, my husband's grandmother thought I was ignoring her. I was not. I was either visiting my godmother or keeping busy so I didn't have to think of her passing. My husband told his grandmother this, but I don't think she ever forgave me.
Lauren, I am not saying that this is your DIL's situation, but can you understand why she wants time on her own? Some people are introverts. Why do you feel disrespected if she did not want to spend time with you?
4) Also re feeling that families should share their homes with each other-I fear that is a sentiment that younger adults don't share thiese days. I think there are less hard feelings if parents stay in hotels. Everyone gets a breather. Maybe, Lauren, if you offer to stay in a hotel, your son might consider a visit.
5) Curious-when you visit, where do you stay-is there a guest bedroom or is your son's house small and cramped.
I wish you nothing but the best. My heart aches for you.
Quote from: JustPuzzled on December 13, 2013, 04:30:32 AM
4) Also re feeling that families should share their homes with each other-I fear that is a sentiment that younger adults don't share thiese days. I think there are less hard feelings if parents stay in hotels. Everyone gets a breather. Maybe, Lauren, if you offer to stay in a hotel, your son might consider a visit.
This one always gets me tickled. I know you are right. It does seem to be a sentiment that the majority of younger adults share. And I understand that actually. What gets me tickled about it though, as far as my friends and family go, the younger adults do want the parental(s) to stay in a hotel and give them their space but when they visit, they want to stay with the parental(s). This is just what I'm seeing in my life.
My best friend just had this happen. She went to visit her DS over the summer (and they have a good relationship) and DS asked if she would stay in a hotel. They have the room, they just asked her so they could still have her privacy. So she did. Now, they are coming to her house for Christmas and she asked them which hotel they were staying in. DS huffed and said, "Well, we were going to stay with you! We really don't have the money for a hotel. And you always cook."
She laughed and told him it was fine she just thought they were because of asking her to so they could have privacy. She said he got kind of quiet and said, "Umm....yeah I guess we did do that to you huh?"
Turn about is fair play! ;) I don't like anyone staying in my home...and I love my family to pieces. I also don't like to stay with others. It's just a personal preference (eccentricity?)
Haha... for sure.. and not to mention those who find themselves in need of a place to stay, due to divorce, or loss of job etc.. I think they called them Boomerang kids? What better place than mom's house.. rent free.. complete with room service, maid service and internet.. lol!
My sons were denied the Boomerang Option. I was told when I moved out that I could never return...that my life was in my own hands. I told my sons the same thing. It was passed on to my grandsons and now my great granddaughter has moved out on her own. That may sound cold but it has worked well for us and our mutual affection is rampant. :) My guess is that decisions are more carefully thought out when consequences have to be faced and independently transcended. Not easy to go through or to watch but it's 'life.' Hugs...
Ha ha. Oh you can bet it may come up for me eventually. Let's see, YS lived with us for 6 months, went in the military. When he and DIL married, she was pregnant and he got deployed. Asked if she could move in with us. Lived with us for 11 months. They are coming in for Christmas, with GS in tow and staying with us for two weeks. She's pregnant again and he will deploy before the birth, so she's coming back here for about 3 months.
When we went to visit, we stayed in a hotel. Now, we were only there for two days, and they didn't ask us to, it was just he had just got back and we knew they would want alone time, so we thought it best. Also knowing they didn't have a second bedroom set yet. Now...they do and he is being deployed again in the Spring. She's asked me if I will fly out for his deployment and then drive back here with her to help with GS (15 hr drive). I've already told her that I would, but I'm not getting a hotel this time. Since it will only be for a couple of days again, I'm going to ask if I can stay with them this time and they are going to have to pick me up from the airport. If they tell me no, then I'm probably going to tell them I can't come out. Not to be mean, but by the time I pay for the ticket to fly, plus going to have her and a GS for about 3 months again...my expenses go way up. We pay for everything, as far as groceries, electricity, water...etc. We've never asked them to contribute so if they don't want to put Mom up for 2 nights to save me $300-400 bucks of a hotel and rental car....ummm....they are going to have to ask someone else to do it.
Justpuzzled – I will try to answer your questions. The reason why I never liked DIL was because my late husband and I felt that she rushed our son into marriage. They had only been dating for a few months long distance when they got married and we hadn't even met her yet but our son refused to hear anything about waiting. I've never had a heart to heart conversation with her and I never saw the need for it since my son always supported me and took my side on things. Now that I'm not allowed to visit them next year, I've been calling her phone all these days to try to find out what's happening but she won't pick up the phone. I'm trying to decide if I should try to call my son again this weekend and ask him to put her on the phone so that I can get an answer. I would even be willing to not insist that she is with me the whole time.
In the beginning they had a one bedroom apartment so I used to stay in the living room whenever I visited. Later on they bought a house and I've always stayed in the room that they use as a home office. Honestly I'm afraid to offer to stay in a hotel because most likely I would end up seeing them only a couple of hours per day and after traveling so far I want to spend more time with my son.
I tried for many years to reach out to my other children but they are just not interested.
Lauren, if you have been trying to contact her for days, and she's not answering, then calling your Son and trying to force her to speak to you, I wouldn't think is going to go over very well. I thought you had decided to try backing off and giving them space to see what happens?
Thanks Pooh, this is so hard. Since every Sunday when I call I only talk to my son, I thought that it would be OK to not call him anymore and try to get an answer from her instead. I guess I shouldn't do that either.
Oh Lauren, we all know how difficult it is! It is one of the hardest things I have ever done but once you get over the initial hurt most of us find out wonderful things. We find out that we actually have a life without our AC. We find that we can enjoy ourselves. I found out that my life was more relaxed when my DS/DIL were not around and started asking myself why I was so adamant that they be included when in fact they made me uncomfortable. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. My hope for you is that you can discover the same. If you hear from you DS you should tell him what you are going to do with the money you would have spent going to see them and sound happy to have the money to spend on yourself. Take a cruise or go somewhere you have always wanted to go. As Louise is so wonderful to point out.....you had a life before your children were born and you can have one again now!
I know Lauren. We want so hard to try and make things right. I'm just speculating that if she wanted to speak with you, she would have answered or called you back. Sometimes what people don't do, speaks more volumes than what they do. I know for myself, the more someone pushes me into a corner, the more stubborn and angry I get.
Lauren.... this is said with kindness and concern for you... Leave them alone. When we push and push.. we end up pushing away. right? Like this old poem says
If you love something, Set it free...
I know how hard this is for you.. I can feel the pain in all the words you type.. but for your sake... and theirs.. let it go. work on your life and happiness in other areas. Easier said than done when we think our only chance for happiness is tied up in another person.. but like all grieving of losses, it takes time and you must go through the stages. There is no set time limit for healing. Keep coming here for support. (((hugs)))
Lauren, As others have said, it is not easy, very painful to give up our 'should have beens". It doesn't happen at once, and there are still bad days. However, I found that once I got mad, and decided 'no more' dancing to their tune,if I didn't see GC, so what. I hadn't been allowed to bond with them anyway, so it wasn't that big a deal. I know some will find that hard to believe, but it is true. This was not without some comments about me not caring, etc. ,but our visits are better now. I decided I might as well be hung for a sheep as a goat,so enough was enough. Not perfect, not what I wanted or dreamed about, but something I can live with. Now it is DS who is making the overtures, not me------or DIL, but that ship has sailed. I expect nothing from her, so am never disappointed. Strangely, I also realized that while I will always love DS, admire what he has done in his profession, I really don't like or enjoy being with him. He has become DIL's 'puppet', and neither are people I would chose to be with if they were not family. I agree, the best thing you could do is take the money, and spend it on something YOU will enjoy.....and be sure to let them know how much fun you have!!
L - The same suggestions are running through every response here. Do you see that? We can't do it for you and I really think it is time to close this thread. We've all pretty much had our say. There are places we can get stuck. In fact, many of us have gotten stuck and had to work like the dickens to get unstuck. (I sure have!) We can get stuck in being right. We can get stuck in not wanting it to be the way it is. We can get stuck in how hard we tried and it isn't fair. We can get stuck trying to fix it. We can get stuck in hoping it will change. The list is endless. We can even become a "yeah-but rabbit" and defend ourselves endlessly.
Where we get, if we are willing to do the work...is to stop processing it and talking about it and anguishing over it...and move on into action. I would suggest you print out our responses, if you think that would help...and then decide if you want to get unstuck or not. We're all behind you...but it's your call. And, unfortunately, you have to do all the work. Hugs...