Ok, so the other day I came here and didn't actually say what has happened to make me feel this way. In a nutshell, I will try and explain. I am 50 years old, been married for 27 years and have 27 year old twins, boy and girl. And as I have been told numerous times throughout my life, my son feels I love my daughter best. HA! well, blah blah blah, in between this, as we all feel, we did the best we could in raising our children. We have always been a very clos knit family, until.......BOOM, DIL enters. Now we are not so close. My son and myself that is.
Apparantely DIL knows that I do not treat her husband, my son, the way he wants to be treated. Hmmmmmmmm, did not know she could read minds. Shall I mention she is Bipolar OMG!!!!! Hot, cold, hot, cold etc. I have googled bipolar numerous times and all i can say is OMG WTF!!!!!! trying to make a super long story short, I saved all the nasty texts the DIL has texted me since she erased them so my son could not see. when my son asked to see mine, i was so tempted, however, i told him "no, you have to live with her and I will not complicate your life any further". we left it at that.m Was that the end? Nope! Not as far as my evil DIL goes. She told me that I will never see my grandchild (prove to me its mine) HA nor will I see any future grandkids! Well, bite my tongue I want to say, but instead, instead of being told this numerous times, I say " ok, I hear ya, enough. I don't have to be told over and over again. Stop thinking you are going to get a reaction from me. Are you waiting for tears? Heartache? Uncontrollable saddness? " "I heard ya the 1st 2nd and 3rd time you have used your child as a weapon against me, so all I say to you is I GET IT!!!! I don't need to be told over and over again. All I can hope for is that someday your child will treat you the same way you are treating me. HA!
Whew!!!! That felt good to get that out. Ok so the other night, DIL texts me (i have asked her many times not to text but to call as texting always gets me in trouble) but to no avail, she keeps texting me. So the next morning, my son always calls for morning chats (these have ceased since) and asks if I got the text from his wife. I reply I did and that I was not going to respond due to being attacked. He was sad. I reread the text that said "we both have said mean things...." i was like, WTF I did not say anything mean. So anyways, I wanted to make peace once again and texted the DIL with "all is good, no worries, have a great day" she responded with "you too" There, it was done. Thought all was good for the day at best. Later in the day I spoke with the daughter of mine and said i was having a dinner party and she asked if she was invited. I didn't really care to have her there because it was just a few people but she said she was family and wanted to come. I said ok. She asked if her brother and his wife were invited and I said absolutely not due to the fact "DIL does not feel welcomed in my home". My daughter says I should just deal with her illness and get over myself if I want to see my grandkid. so anyways, they did not feel the need to text me back which is all fine with me. I am no longer sad or mad, I am just PISSED OFF! is there any advice you can give me as to how to handle this. I have been losing my son since day one with his wife. My own siblings and aunts and uncles see the torment in DIL eyes too and fear speaking to her for fear they me be attacked. What shall I do? The longer it takes for them to apologize using their son as a weapon, the easier it gets for me to vanish them from my life. Its a harsh thing for a mother to say, but I have no choice. You all can see I am at wits end. Any advice on how to deal is most welcomed.
Step back...take a deep breath...do something wonderful for yourself that you may have been putting off (forever)...and wait for this community to open it's arms. Sending love...
Thank you
Next time you get a text dont answer straight away.
Tell her you were out for the day with a friend and left your cell at home.
Then go on to tell her what a wonderful enjoyable day you had out.
Sent her the most cheerful greeting you can think up
She will begin to wonder why you are smiling.
It sends a silent message"I am not affected by your .....whatever
Hey Katie, hello and welcome, I loved the title of this thread...got my attention.... ;D very well done....
First, Katie, was your DIL diognosed as bi-polar? If she was, it would be advantagous on your part to read up on the disease and obtain as much information as you can. Knowledge is power, and I hope your DIL is in treatment or taking meds because it is a very lonely and dabilitating disease....there are extreme highs and extreme lows, and the mood swings are astronimical....
Katie, in most cases, DIL's don't have an excuse, for being rude and hurtful, but if your DIL is indeed bi polar, that explains a lot...and there are all different levels of bi polar. I have a friend who has a son who is, and have known other people with it.
There are some really good books out there about the disease, and I really think it would be to your benefit to read it. See, the whole recipe to getting along with her, would be to understand, why she acts the way she does, and who she is....it might shed some light and give you many answers so that you can deal with it....
Understanding why a person acts the way they do, is getting to know the person, and through that, and the education on your part, will shed some light to compassion on your part....and I believe you'll calm down and understand...right now your taking everything she does as personal and reacting negatively to the situation, when in fact, she might want so badly to love you and for her to have someone take the effort to understand her illness, well, she might not feel so lonely...
Some of the syptoms are:
Depressed mood most of the day; feeling sad or empty, tearful
Significant loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable
Significant weight loss (when not dieting) or weight gain; decrease or increase in appetite
Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
Agitation; or slowing down of thoughts and reduction of physical movements
Fatigue or loss of energy
Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
Poor concentration or having difficulty making decisions
so her negative behavior isn't necessarily directed purposely towards you, it's just the way she is and she can't help it or control it....and it's very sad.
Think about this, just 50 - 70 years ago, they insitutionalized people who were bi-polar so thank goodness we've come a long way in understanding the disease....
they also have a very difficult time getting along with others and maintaining healthy relationships....
Patty Duke is bi-polar and wrote a book about it, but right now, what I would suggest, is to read, and gain as much knowledge as you can...you might be surprised....as to how much it will help you, b/c right now, I can hear the anger in your voice...living with bi-polar disorder is very hard lady....and it's very sad....
also, Patients, families, and caregivers should pay close attention to any changes, especially sudden changes in mood, behaviors, thoughts, or feelings b/c the meds they are on, to help them function, might be wrong for them, due to they're chemical imbalances, etc.
So that to me would be a step in the right direction....
Hugs
Creme
After re reading your post I think perhaps your DIL is looking for your approval and afterall she did text to apologize.
Perhaps your son and daughter were trying to get the family together (Re the dinner) then you rejected the DIL after her trying to make peace.
You are luckier than most women here whoes DIL would not care to make peace.
Also a wise post from Cremebrulee
Hey Katie, glad to have you here. Sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with Luise, take a breath & some time for yourself while things sort out. A lot of it isn't under your control, but your well being certainly is.
Catchingup, your advice is golden. We do not have to answer texts or emails immediately...I'm just now figuring that out and it's very empowering. You can choose to answer in your own time so you can make sure you express yourself well. Brilliant!
And Creme, education is vital. Thanks for that reminder.
I will take a breath. But I also refuse to let anyone rent space in my head lol Its horrible for any granma to hear "you will never see my child" :( I was reading some other posts and its sad that these days children and grownup children disrespect the parents and feel they can say anything they want in a disrespectful manner. Maybe its the times. I was raised to never question or speak back and if I did, oh boy did I surely get it. I raised my children differently. I swore I would never hit them because hitting did not solve anything with me, it just hurt and bruised. So I raised my children without any hitting and lots of hugging. To this day, well, other than the last few weeks, my children always called and said they love me. My daughter still does, and its not like I need to hear they love me, its just nice to know thay don't hate me. My son hopefully will learn that God did give him a set of balls and he has every right to tell his wife, if he wants to, that he is bringing his child over to see me whether she likes it or not. But sadly after reading so many comments here, it seems to me the DIL has the final say. I will keep on praying for my son that he realizes I never stop loving him. Do I want a life w/o my grandson? no I don't, but should I be told constantly that I will not see him ever? I mean, really now, Its getting old. And when they do finally come around, we all know I will be delighted, but they must understand that they cannot use a child as a tool. I am so happy I found this site, there are so many of us out here that I had no clue. I was rather embarrassed to think OMG how is this happening and what have I done etc, but now I see so many of us suffer in many different way. God Bless us all :)
Let me preface this by saying I am a here for issues with my MIL... as in I am a DIL.
That being said, I think that something you wrote really spoke to me:
QuoteAnd as I have been told numerous times throughout my life, my son feels I love my daughter best.
When I read your post, I could see myself in your DIL (although I am not bipolar & never use my child as a bargaining chip). In my siutation, I find myself standing up for the hurts and slights my DH expresses to me. I am angry by the way his family treats him and he is sad. My MIL once stated that her DD always spoke up and "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" thus placing blame on my DH for not being as vocal as his sister.
I guess what I am tryig to say is that although your DIL is NOT handling things in a productive way, could it be that she is acting out of love for your son?
I know mother's all do their best (I am one of 7 kids) but if you have been told "numerous times" that your DS feels this way, have you ever considered his perception of things? Even if it is distorted, they are his feelings and he is your son.
I hope I have not offended you and I don't blame you for being angry (with the middle school tactics mean msgs & withholding the gc) but it seems as if sometimes we can't see the forest through the tress...
Katie 84:
You didnt say why she sends you the awful texts or what started the feud ?
I feel that texting and emailing and Facebook have a lot to answer for . It's very easy to dash off a text or email in the heat of the moment and through these pages everyone seems to have learnt not to do that . I for one have erased countless texts and emails after reading them back .
you are wise to breathe easy before replying .I am in the same space as you .The only difference is I have a wall of silence !
Still in contact with my DS thank goodness ,but I have totally backed off and believe me it's very hard .Looking at photos of my GD is painful because I want to hold her . However I hope one day all will be well and sanity will prevail .I have to hope that
otherwise I would certainly go mad !!
@StillTrying: I think you're correct about this; I have always felt that my parents treated my brother different than me, and while this upsets my mother very much...it is my perception of things. My mom might think it is ridiculous, but from my viewpoint, there is a lot of evidence pointing to that fact. I think if my mom would have just said that she understood where I was coming from, this would've done immense things for our relationship. She doesn't have to agree with me, but respecting my feelings on it would have been wonderful. (I'm not saying this is the case here, but I definitely see your point).
I think we were talking about this on another board: about the constant ability to communicate actually being a hinderance to real communication. I think e-mailing/texting might be a classic example.
For so long, when I felt the need to communicate I'd e-mail/text. It has never worked for me:
1.) People (including my therpaist) found it passive aggressive; that certainly wasn't my intention!
2.) Everything I wrote got miscommunicated or misunderstood somehow.
3.) I was never allowing another person to communicate their feelings.
My relationships have improved since I've stopped using this tactic. I either call or have a face to face discussion. I'm not sure if the e-mailing/texting actually begets more problems than were originally there. It's hard communicating face to face (it takes patience and practice), but the payoff is huge.
Amen to that Holliberri .... :) :)
I appreciate all the comments and will try my best to answer to them. 1st off, the reason DIL texts me with certain things so mean, is because she is constantly reading things wrong when I answer. I tell her to try and remember who I am, and how I generally speak which is a calm soothing voice. I ask her not to text but to call me if she needs to speak or talk to me but she just keeps on texting. I tell her i wish she would call instead because texting is perceived in a tone she hears rather than which I am truly speaking. some of the texts she sends makes me believe she is not reading mine before texting more. I have actually had tests from her attacking me because I did not answer quick enough. I tried to let her know I do not always answer right away if I am at work. I know she has a rough life with her own mom and dislikes her very much. I am trying to understand the bipolar in a way we can have a relationship and I admit when I wrote to you all here, I was venting.
As far as my son goes, I will never understand why he feels I love my daughter more. I too come from a family of 8 and mom loved us all in our own special way. I continue to show my son I love him and sure do miss our morning chats but understand he is upset and has to live peacefully with his wife. I also understand that as a MIL i have to take the backseat when it comes to the DIL because she is not my own daughter.
I do take into consideration how my son feels and i will keep on trying to show him I love him. I have so much love for him and would welcome a chance to love his wife and when I feel I am at a standstill, I will come here and seek some awesome advice from all you wise women :)
TO THE DIL: I try and look at it from a DIL's point of view. I truly do. When she came to me and said she was so happy to have me in her life because she does not get the same things from her own mom, i was overwhelmed with happiness to have her feel comfortable with me. I also understand she is speaking out for her husband and is protective of him. I was always protective of my own husband although he was an orphan and I never had in laws.
My DIL and I had a sit down a while ago and she asked if instead of me going to my son and asking to see my grandchild or asking for all of them to come for our tuesday night dinners (which have also stopped) she asked if I would go to her rather than my son. I took it as she wanted and felt close enough to me and would like to be included. I loved that. We also agreed never to text anymore but the texts still came.
You all know, i believe, that when I vent, I still am hurt and wish nothing but good things for my son and DIL and would love so0 much to see my grandchild. But come on, how many times can a person hear "you are banned from seeing him". Its wrong. It sad, and its a horrible thing fo0r anyone to bear.
I am glad I found this site and always welcome kind words of wisdom, but I need to also get on with my life. I can not let this situation detroy me. I would hope my kids would not want this to destroy me either.
I asked my son why he tells his wife I love my daughter more, and he said he was sorry about that and knows he should say it.
I have always hugged and said I love you and worried when he was at war. I have journals showing how much I love him. I can not force someone to like me or treat me the way I want to be treated, so I will stay on my side of the road and always be here when and if they need me. This I have let DIL know but no answer as to date.
Do I miss my grandchild, come on, of course I do!
I hope I answered questions that needed to be answered.
And ladies, thank you all for the great advise. As far as the response from the DIL here, please keep writing, maybe through you I can see the light. And thank you :)
Block DIL's texts. Accept only phone calls.
My mother got me good when she called me one day after I texted her. Is this possible, Katie? I learned after a few times that texts weren't going to work anymore (at least not about serious issues). I don't think that is playing a game, and it prevents any misunderstanding. Could you call her and say, "I just got your text and...?"
I know nothing about Bipolar disorder, so someone who does, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
I would tell them your screen on your phone is broken and you can't text anymore. Or, your phone service changed and you no longer get free texting, so you are not texting anymore. It seems like the method of your communication is causing a portion of your problem here.
if I block her texts she will attack me further so thats out. She deleted me from facebook because she saw I asked my own daughter what she wanted to do for her birthday. Its all good ab that because like my son says, I am not her friend or buddy, I am the granma. lol I didn;t want her on my FB where I see my own friends but she sent a request and as the saying goes, I am damned if I do and damned if I dont lol
So don't block - use one of the great excuses from Mrs.K.
but don't screw up and reply to a text your son may send.. it could be here lurking lol
I wouldn't lie because to me, lying is really bad and probably goes hand in hand with many of our issues here. (Not us, but the people we are having problems with). I would tell the truth. I would call her and say, "I have asked you not to text me because we keep misunderstanding each other's meanings. So please call me. And if you do text me instead of calling me, I am not going to answer them." Boundaries.
I wouldn't make excuses because personally, I feel many of my problems with my DS and DIL are due to lying and excuses. I have always prided myself on being truthful.
if i call, she does not answer. she only texts :(:( but if I don't answer because I am working, she freaks out and thinks I am ignoring her. What has happened to this world of technology? It eventually will become a mute country lmao if everyone doesnt speak and only texts :):)
and the truth shall set us free, or so I've heard lol
I don't think you have a choice but to totally ignore her texts, whether she freaks out or not. You can only continue to be a target by reacting; and it doesn't sound like she's looking for attention if she won't answer your calls. So sorry.
Quote from: Pooh on January 21, 2011, 10:56:32 AM
I wouldn't lie because to me, lying is really bad and probably goes hand in hand with many of our issues here. (Not us, but the people we are having problems with). I would tell the truth. I would call her and say, "I have asked you not to text me because we keep misunderstanding each other's meanings. So please call me. And if you do text me instead of calling me, I am not going to answer them." Boundaries.
I wouldn't make excuses because personally, I feel many of my problems with my DS and DIL are due to lying and excuses. I have always prided myself on being truthful.
darn I hate when Pooh hits us with the right answer
"Don't be a Hater" Ha ha ha ha ha ha.... :P
LOL.. but that is exactly how it's being used.. and this completes the circle.. so is that proper grammar? It just about drives me over the edge when I hear people saying this.. except for you Pooh :) Now be nice before I tell your hubby that you are only jumping him all weekend in order to get your house cleaned.
That's not true....he does laundry too...
Like I said... my dh came home so grumpy last night.. He called a while ago and said that he's in a much better mood.. I said good because it's just you and the dogs at home tonight for dinner.. and the dogs will greatly appreciate it.
I'm in the process of getting dressed and out the door to meet up with DD and her BF, they want me to see his apt and to meet his dog.. lol.. his dog.. great
Communicating face to face also takes courage, for me. I was pretty disgusted with myself when I realized I hid behind email and Voicemail...both of which are totally unilateral. All I knew was win/lose...no skills at expressing, confronting or negotiation. Tough stuff and I'm still learning. Sending love...
What are you going to wear to impress the dog?
Maybe you should try always returning her text with a call--don't respond back with a text--only respond with calls back.
Oh--and one of my favorite lines from a movie is:
"You can't spell FAMILIES without LIES--am I right?"
:D :D :D
miss kitty, love the advice :):) thank you. No more texting from e to DIL, if she testx me again I will respond with a call. That is awesome advice.
Thre cheers for all the wise women who unite :):) Love you all
Quote from: Laurie on January 21, 2011, 11:07:07 AM
Quote from: Pooh on January 21, 2011, 10:56:32 AM
I wouldn't lie because to me, lying is really bad and probably goes hand in hand with many of our issues here. (Not us, but the people we are having problems with). I would tell the truth. I would call her and say, "I have asked you not to text me because we keep misunderstanding each other's meanings. So please call me. And if you do text me instead of calling me, I am not going to answer them." Boundaries.
I wouldn't make excuses because personally, I feel many of my problems with my DS and DIL are due to lying and excuses. I have always prided myself on being truthful.
darn I hate when Pooh hits us with the right answer
I know, she totally nailed it.
And Mrs. K's last post about always responding w/a call...priceless.
Great advice about the response to unwanted texts!!! If and when my ds decides he will finally begin speaking to me again (or texting, which is all he ever does too)....I plan to use this advice! Right now I have to agree that things are often misunderstood in text messaging, and to be honest I get sick of people texting. I was forced to buy a small plan for my cell phone because some refused to stop sending them, and it is expensive if you don't have a plan. How does one block ALL texting from cell phones???? If I knew how, I'd block my phone completely, then remove the added expense every month! I actually get angry at texting, my friends even do this now instead of calling....irritating as a seven day itch! GRRRRRRRR. It is almost as irritating as my renters or relatives waking me up during the day needlessly when they know I work third shift!!! I am considering calling all of those guilty of that at say oh, 3 am...JUST TO GAB...then say, OH WERE YOU SLEEPING????? I will not go into details about it because I am not a doctor or therapist...but I have 2 bipolar adult kids, and a bipolar ex husband...all I can say is It is a terrible disorder that has caused much pain and difficulty for me in my life time. (oh I forgot, dil also is bipolar). Sheesh. The thought of moving and leaving no forwarding address and changing my name sounds lovely sometimes. :P ;D ;) What a delight all of you wise women are!
I am a totally guily text-aholic! I hate talking on the phone, but I didn't until I became a dispatcher and spent 8 hours a day on a phone. The last thing I wanted to do when I got home, was talk on the phone. It isn't anything personal against anyone, I was just so tired from doing it all day.
I do text and recieve texts all day long from friends, co-workers, DH and family. I'm not condoning it, and I think we are missing much personal interaction in today's times between emails, texts and websites. I have not personally had an issue with it being misunderstood, except DH and I will occasionally have to text back each other and say, "Ok, you lost me. What did you mean?" But I think that is where the problems would arise, if we BOTH didn't realize things can be misunderstood, and we ask instead of "assuming" the worst. But before texting and technology, I did the same thing in person. If someone said something to me that sounded awful, I would say "What did you mean by that?" 99% of the time, it wasn't what they meant, but how it came out and after they explained, it wasn't meant to be bad. I still think it boils down to how someone chooses to react. If I received a hateful text right now, I would call them and ask if I understood it correctly instead of getting mad immediately. I can't count how many times in my life that I have said something in person, then followed that with "Wow. That didn't come out like I meant it. Let me try that again."
Texting is the main mode of communication between DS & me. He can do it w/o DIL knowing, LOL. But I wouldn't accept the rude texts Katie84 was receiving, for sure.
[ don't think you have a choice but to totally ignore her texts, whether she freaks out or not. You can only continue to be a target by reacting; ]
Tried this....didn't work. Tried this and that and avoidance and confronting and listening sympathetically for literally hours to tearful complaints and so on...
If this girl wants your scalp, you cannot do anything to stop her, especially in the media she adores. Most of us are simply not up to the shenanigans of the very electronically adept.
Please keep me posted if something does work. I am also not fond of telling untruths...that is not being authentic to your self and then you have to confront your own spirit. Keep true. Pray for courage.
Quote from: luise.volta on January 21, 2011, 02:39:11 PM
Communicating face to face also takes courage, for me. I was pretty disgusted with myself when I realized I hid behind email and Voicemail...both of which are totally unilateral. All I knew was win/lose...no skills at expressing, confronting or negotiation. Tough stuff and I'm still learning. Sending love...
Luise, this is an interesting point I never thought of before, that communicating via email can unliateral, esp when there is an
issue at hand.
You betcha.
Quote from: neecee on January 23, 2011, 04:09:06 PM
....Most of us are simply not up to the shenanigans of the very electronically adept.
What a great line!
;D
ok ladies, last saturday my son came over. I asked him when I was going to see my grandson and he said he went to therapy with his wife (she has been in therapy since she was 16, she is 24 now, and he said the therapist told them it was wrong to keep their son from seeing me. Thank God!!!!! He told me it was because his wife has control over who see's "her" son. I told him I too was in therapy (didn't tell him it was here lol) and I expressed that I was going to pay attention as to why he feels I love my daughter more than him. I told him his feelings were real and I would try to remedy this situation (don't know exactly how) but will try. Just saying I love him is not enough I guess, and I didn't think I loved his sister more but would pay attention to as why he feels this way.......needless to say, he did not make it to the party :( It was fine, cause I know its all because of his wife and how she feels. He asked if I could in some way make things right with his wife. I told him I really don't know what else I can say or do, I have reached out to her, told her my feelings have not changed and that I love her even if we argue but thats not enough for her. Any advise ladies? As long as DIL does not feel comfortable with me she will keep the baby from seeing me. Son said this morning when he called, "mom, you know what to say to make things right, just do it" and when i told him I don't know what i can say where she will not find it unattackable. I told him I cannot nor will I text her again. I need advise Ladies, asap as I wish to see my grandson.
Well, it sound like they have a good therapist at least, since they are recognizing that keeping your GS away from you isn't right. He is putting you in a bad postition though, wanting you to make it right. I am sure he is wanting that so that he will be under less stress as the middle man, but still not fair to try and put you in the situation to make it right. It takes two and it doesn't sound that he is asking his wife to make her part right, only you.
Ok, so positive...positive.....is there any chance that you could tell your DS that you want to make it right, but you don't know how, so you would like to sit down with him and DIL to try and figure out a solution? I do know that it would be best, under better circumstances to speak one-on-one with DIL and not involve him, but at this point, I think he is involved already and needs the closure as well. Also, since it seems so one-sided on how to resolve this, I think he needs to hear what DIL has to say directly to you. IMO, it sounds like he only wants you to do anything to make this right and doesn't see that DIL holds responsibility as well. If all of you are present at the meeting and you ask her in front of DS, "What can I do to make you feel better about our relationship?" and she clams up or is unreasonable, at least he can see you are trying?
I know you want to do anything to be able to see GS, but if you can't work this out and just give in to see him, you are going to have continuous issues in the future. It is always going to be something and DIL is going to hold GS as ransom every time she perceives she is being treated badly.
Quote from: katie84 on January 25, 2011, 07:02:01 AM
Son said this morning when he called, "mom, you know what to say to make things right, just do it" and when i told him I don't know what i can say where she will not find it unattackable.
Why can't DS just tell you exactly what to say? This sounds like some major game playing to me.
Yes, I asked DS to tell me what to say but to no avail. As far as DIL, DS says "mom, she is pregnant again and u know how she gets" so actually its a no win situation however one looks at it. Last time, she was so unbearable to be with. Very attackful, very moody, very, ummmmm untolerable lol I can not text, when i call, she does not answer...but expects me to answer the moment she summons for me.
I know that this will go on for life as long as she is bipolar. I don't think a person is ever cured :(:( However, I don't have to live with her so as long as I can just say or do the right thing in her eyes, than she will allow me to see my GS. I am at a lost no matter what ladies.
I must tell ya all, from the moment I met her, I did everything I could to make her feel welcomed. I tell her I consider her my daughter, and not a DIL.....i tell her I would do for her whatever I could.....nothing works. Some days are good, mostly bad and to be honest, its exhausting. If my son had told me she was bipolar prior to marrying her, I would have advised against it, after reading on this illness.
I am trying to keep my son happy because I know he loves me and he knows his wife is causing trouble for us. But like he says, he is married to her n just wants to be happy
Son wants to be happy, but by not dealing with his wife and heaping the problems on you. You know, DIL is contributing or maybe even creating most of the issues, but DS is allowing her to do this which makes it mostly his fault.
We have said this before, and yes, I know the DIL can contribute...but it is truly our DS's fault. I love my DH with my whole heart and I know he is a really good person, but if he badmouthed my Mother continuously and said, "I am not going over there" I would step up and tell him that I loved my Mother and she was a good person. That no matter how much I loved him, I would not tolerate him talking bad about her. That it was a package deal when he married me. He didn't have to like or love everyone in my family, heck I can't stand some of them...but he would be respectful or he didn't respect me. Yes, I married him and respected his opinion, but if my Mother was truly not doing anything, then he had to respect me enough to respect her.
So why can our DS's not do this?
because as he said "i like sex mom and if i say anything she withholds from me"....OMG!!!!! I told him "use the ball's God gave you and stand up for yourself". This chick is unbelieveable!!!!!
That doesn't surprise me at all, but again....points back to DS is at fault and using that as an excuse.
Eventually enough is enough, even with sex. One day he'll need more than just that in his life.
Move on! Make the best life for yourself that you can! Who knows what the future holds?
Quote from: katie84 on January 25, 2011, 09:36:05 AM
because as he said "i like sex mom and if i say anything she withholds from me"....OMG!!!!! I told him "use the ball's God gave you and stand up for yourself". This chick is unbelieveable!!!!!
Your son should not be discussing his sex life with you--he should be discussing it with his wife and his therapist. Your DIL has a mental illness and everyone needs to take a step back and treat this as if they would someone who has cancer or diabetes--people don't "mean" to have cancer or diabetes--they just do and they should not be blamed for being ill. My father is bipolar so I know what I speak of when I say that your son will have a lifetime of ups and downs. But, he said his marriage vows and those include "sickness and health." Your DIL is sick and may never be well. My mother has managed to stay married to my father because she is literally the most patient and understanding person I have ever met. Your DS will face some major challenges in his life and I am glad that the two of them are in therapy--they'll need to stay in therapy (maybe for years), if they hope to someday find some balance. The bad thing about bipolar is, you're never cured--there are always setbacks and re-adjustments of medicine. If your son thinks that she'll eventually be "ok" he's in for a rude awakening. My dad is in his mid-60s and I never have any idea which "Dad" I may see when I see him--the moody one, the fun one, the angry one, the loving one--it is a crap shoot for sure.
No it's not her fault for having a disease, but then I would think DS would want to step up and take even a more active role in what's right for their child.
ya know Miss Kitty, I do know what they are both in store for. I can not help them but I can educate myself on bipolar. My son talks to me openly about things because I have always been able to communicate with both my children on a variety of things. Sorry if he discussing sex with me offends you, because I am sure he discusses it with his wife. He says to me "he wants to not fight with his wife because he likes sex" thats what he discussed with me.
I too never know if I will see the sweet DIL, the nasty one, the vindictive one, the sad one, the angry one etc, as I am sure you know what I am talking about.
Life used to be so easy, now, not so easy :)
Always learning new things :)
You could keep that rapport and still have discussing his sex life off limits.
Hi Katie,
I am glad to hear that you are reading/learning about bipolar and you are right, you can only educate yourself, you can't come to your son's rescue.
Your son discussing his sex life with his wife does not offend me. However, it does suggest that there may be some privacy/intimacy issues that he needs to think about. I really can't think of any wife who would be comfortable knowing that her husband talks about their sex life with his mother. Would you be ok with your DH discussing your sex life with his mother? With him telling her that when you're not happy, he's not getting any? I know I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I think most women would agree that if their DH is discussing their sex life with his mother, then there is a lack of privacy and intimacy between husband and wife. Privacy and intimacy between husband and wife is sacred in my opinion--and it is an important part of a strong marriage.
Oops--I should have said "Your son discussing his sex life with his mother does not offend me."
ok, let me clarify....the only thing he said was "i like having sex" which he meant he did not want to fight with her cause then he would not have sex. He does not go into detail and if he did i would make sure he knew i did not want to discuss that.
Katie-
Thanks for clarifying--and I think it is pretty normal for wives not to want to have sex with their husbands when they are fighting. I know I am not in the mood when I am fighting with my dh.
OK...can we move on?
katy84,hang in there,I'm a newbie to and these ladies gave me great advice,I used it and it worked~I am a FBaholic to,I am a military mom so I correspond with alot of moms,we have fun...as for txting,I'm not a fan becouse once I was running errands with my 22 yr old,while he was in a store I txt my hubby,do me...I was just joking around,my son came out of the store and said uuhhh mom and tossed his phone on my council...I was completely horrified,hit the wrong button and sent to my son,my son and hubby have the same name,now my txting is almost none:) lesson learned~
Ms Kitty, I really appreciate your wise, balanced feedback to Katie.
Ms Kitty is a Kool Kat! 8)
Indeed!
spoke with my son this morning and he said that his wife misses me so much and since she is stubborn and will not make this first move, i have decided to reach out to her, via phone and let her know how much I truly miss her. What do you think ladies? I know she is waiting for me to make a move and I have in the past but it always fail me, is there anything else I can say? any advice from you all? Hurry, I need to do this this morning so my son is at peace with the drama and I make my DIL feel welcome again. I know she is going through something awful, such as dealing with her mom and dad, but i am afraid i may say something to trigger her attack mode. Yes, I am on the defense for fear that may happen, so I need some advice :) Thank you in advance.
I would just say that I wanted to get along but simply didn't know how and ask her for suggestions.
hmmmm, sounds like good advice, but then again what i think is good may backfire. I will give it a try....wish me luck.
Good luck!
Certainly hope it works Katie! Rooting for you!
Quote from: katie84 on January 27, 2011, 08:37:26 AM
spoke with my son this morning and he said that his wife misses me so much and since she is stubborn and will not make this first move
To be honest, Katie, I'd like to read these words around here more often. I think you're on the right path. :D
I hope it all works out for you Katy~
thanks ladies :):) Its always better when we all get along. I love my DIL, love that my son has someone to love (when he was in the military and overseas, he was so lonesome for someone to love). I am happy he has found someone to make him happy and to share a life with. I love that I have a grandchild. I basically love love, but hate being attacked. I called, left a message on her cell that i miss her and would love to see her this weekend if she is around. Waiting for an answer.........thanks again ladies. Anyone get snow last night? We got addition 19 inches BOOOOOO
ok, it was successful :) DIL and son along with GS are coming for dinner tomorrow night. I told DIL is was fun having her in my life :)
katy84,that's so awsome things are going good~I'm so happy for you~we got snow to only about 2 inches:b we snowmobile so 19 inches here would be great:)
Good deal Katie! Yay! It is 58 here today, 60 tomorrow and supposed to be 64 on Sunday. After the last month of several snows (that we are not used to here) and low temps, I am soooo looking forward to the weekend!
So pleased for you Katie ...It only takes one to start to build the bridge .....hopefully the other one will start the other side ......
:) :)
I'm glad for you Katie
Its 50 degrees here but sun is shining.
Katie, I hope your visit went well.
Snow is expected later, storm clouds visible, but sunny and otherwise OK for now. We may go for a ride, but it's nice to get yard stuff done before the storm. I could so totally enjoy retirement.
ok, so I must admit, I was alittle nervouse at first. I made DIL feel as welcomed as she would allow me to make her feel. We never once mentioned any of the hurt that happened. My daughter came by which helped DIL feel more at ease and it was a joy to see my GS. My son asked me to be surprised with the news he and his wife were about to tell me ( i already knew via DS). They mentioned they were expecting another child sometime in late september. I acted surprise :):)
Dinner went well, they stayed 3 hours. Daughter left and shortly after that DS and DIL were putting on GS snowsuit to take him home. Successful night. No arguments, no saddness, no fighting.
Next day, hubby and I were just lounging on the sofa, taking a break from the world. My cell rings. I don't get it in time. DH cell rings, he says leave it and lets relax.
2 moments later, DS lets himself in our home and looks surprised we are there. We look as surprised as he seeing him there. When I asked why he let himself in, he said he needed to get in the garage and did not have the combination. ?????????? huh???????? why would he come and let himself in if he thought no one was home??? Ladies, please coment
Do you think since the visit went so well that he didn't think you would mind him letting himself in? Since he tried both your phones first? I'm not saying he should do that, just do you think that might have been where his head was? My YS has a key to my house, but I have a good relationship with him. My OS I haven't seen in over a year, does not.
Katie, is this a home you've been in for a long time? Did DS ever live with you there? Maybe he still considers it "home"? He did try to get a hold of you.
I think that the parent-child relationship is very rarely a two-way street. The kids often expect to be "the kids" (but treated like an ADULT! <stomp> Now!), so they are more often the "takers", they have less responsibility, they can be 'flaky'. But the parents are expected to be responsible, to do the work in the relationship and to be dependable.
The funny thing is, I'm finding with my Mom that she likes it like that too. She likes being the "giver" and she's had to struggle to accept 'stuff' (gifts, dinners out, ect) from us.
So I think a little bit of that is normal, say 1-and-3/4 way street instead of 2 way street. So maybe the problems start when it's only a 1 way street, either the kids or the parents taking too much, or the kids and the parents giving too much or being unwilling to reciprocate. What do you think?
I wanted to add to this last night, but I forgot.
If I call my dad to let me in his house he tells me to just go on in. He's laid the groundwork for a truly open door policy, whether he happens to be there or not. My mom, on the other hand, would never allow me to do that...she likes her privacy and I have to respect that. But, she told me that. I think your DS could've just assumed (no matter how the dinner went), that he could just come over to get something if you weren't there.
does your DS usually let himself into the house whether you are there or not ?
If not I can understand your query,but if that's what he's always done why not ?
If he came on previous occasions and you were out ,you wouldn't know unless he mentioned it .
So maybe he's been before ...maybe for some space or whatever .
My kids are always free to come and go whenever ,and as they live a bit away it's not very often .
they know it's their home and always will be .I'm always glad to see them .
ditto here~open door policy,but for us it's for everyone,most ppl knock becouse I have 3 lg dogs:) we came home from vaca once and dh's grown nephew was haven a pool party:b he was checking in on our dogs,we changed our clothes and joined the party:) we bought our home from MIL,she was the same way,open door:) my home always has snacks,good family and friends and memories~
we bought the home in 1997 and my son went away to war on 2002. I have also always had on open door policy because they are my kids.
I recently had the locks changed because we put on a new door, and I gave both my children keys because, yes, it is their home, always will be their home.
However, son sneaks in and the other day, i saw him go into my secretary (where I keep money) and when I asked what he was doing in my personal space, he said he was looking for something (a magnet) ????? huh???? needless to say, the money has since been moved. (he is struggling with bills).
I too am struggling due to the fact DH has been out of work since last may.
Its not that I don't trust my son, but he is plenty sneaky. BTW, the day he showed up, DIL was in car with baby and never once came out. Please do not tell me I should have gone out to see her,because just by the look on her face was something unbearable, telling me she was in one of those moods. I really did not feel strong enough.
I try and keep peace with my son, have bent over backwards for the DIL, but its never enough. I was raised from a family of 8 kids and never once would I have ever disrespected either one of my parents (at least not to their face) God rest their souls. Anyways, thanks again Ladies for always being here for me....I always look for your advice.
Ok, now that's different! I have free access to my Mom's house as well, with keys and alarm codes, but I would never invade their personal stuff. I watch it for them when they are on vacation, and if I do ever go over to get something and they are not home, I leave a note that I have been there and what I got. I would expect the same respect from my YS. He has access to my house, but if I caught him in my personal stuff, he would be handing back a key. He can eat, drink, watch TV...pretty much whatever, except has no business in my bedroom or personal stuff.
And no, I wouldn't have told you to go out to see DIL. She could have come in, or if she didn't want to get baby out of the car, could have told DH to tell you that she would love to say hi if you were there.
I never had a problem letting DS keep his key, but it does irk me that we are not invited over to his home yet he feels free to walk into ours.
katie84,I think your situation is diff,I don't blame you for not going out to the car~as for your son,theres no excuse in the world to steal,especially from your parents,I think changing your locks is a good idea,I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.
I put a combination deadbolt locks on all my doors.. so we don't even use keys any longer.. We have one combo that is only for us to use and we don't even give it to the kids.. we have another combo that we do give out to family.. and then a third that is only used as a disposable and is changed after used once (warranty worker etc.) Schlage makes them and after putting in two originally we loved the convenience and put them all over... also gave some to my son/dil for their new house.
http://www.amazon.com/Schlage-BE365-PLY-505-Plymouth/dp/B000R80T24/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1296677137&sr=8-8
I'm with Pooh on this one ......your personal stuff is a no go area !!
Laurie, thats a cool lock.
Katie,
Sorry to hear this about son in your secetary.
I agree that it would probably be good to change the lock.
Can you imagine how hard it would be on everyone (psychologically) if he stole
some money? Even though its hard, its good you found him and can see whats
potentially could have happened.
Now those are cool! But you know me...with my warped sense of humor....I got tickled that the description starts with "Experience keyless freedom....." then later on says, "Patented key override feature with 2 keys included..." Ha ha ha ha
Pooh, Its a delight getting to know you
Thank you Tara and I think you are wonderful!
Quote from: Pooh on February 02, 2011, 01:10:15 PM
Now those are cool! But you know me...with my warped sense of humor....I got tickled that the description starts with "Experience keyless freedom....." then later on says, "Patented key override feature with 2 keys included..." Ha ha ha ha
Yeah give that description to a drunk man and ask him to process.
We had 2 rekeyed to match our front door.. then I realized that we did not really need to do that.. if by some freak chance the battery dies (which it's suppose to warn you) what are the chances that all the batteries would go out at the same time. I have 6 exterior doors, so I often go out one and in another. This system allowed me to get into a habit of locking doors as I walk out even if it's just to get the mail. It's really great when we want to take a walk and don't have to worry about extra stuff in your pockets. I just wanted to share them with everyone I know how much we've enjoyed having them.
I like them very much. Showed them to DH last night and he said, "Oh those are cool, but I have a hard time remembering my debit card pin number." Men......
We used the same number for my dh's truck door push button panel, the combo locks, the house alarm, the garage door button switch etc.. and he'll still turn and verify the number with me as he's about to enter the code.
He had to set the house alarm one day.. calls me.. what's the code.. you know the code.. what do you push before the code.. nothing push the code..what do I push after the code.. nothing just push the code ... that can't be right are you sure I don't push something before the code? .. no just push the code in... and really nothing after the code.. oh hell just close the door and leave, who needs an alarm
LOL!!! Funny, Laurie!!! Men are so funny!
"Never mind, Honey...just wait a minute and I will come home and take care of it. I know it's tiring being a rocket scientist."
hahahaha Laurie as a joke you should write the code inside one of his shoes,so he'll not forget it:)
like Einstein, I heard his wife had to paint the front door purple so he'd remember where he lived when he was
preoccupied.
The funny part.. we made an error with the placement of the alarm keypad.. we have full view glass exterior doors.. so I said.. you know honey we need to move that keypad so it's not visible from the outside. he said no this is a good place.. a burglar can see when it's set.. I said ahh yeah and they can see especially at night if it's not set. Moving the keypad is now on the honey-do list.
we never lock our doors,honest...I have 3 dogs..a doberman,a rot/pit mix and a german shorthair,I am notified if a bunny hops across the yard,one night the dobey was going nuts,we kept looking,and looking,nothing..then we realized he was seeing his own reflection...lol
Quote from: MrsKitty on January 25, 2011, 10:40:31 AM
Quote from: katie84 on January 25, 2011, 09:36:05 AM
because as he said "i like sex mom and if i say anything she withholds from me"....OMG!!!!! I told him "use the ball's God gave you and stand up for yourself". This chick is unbelieveable!!!!!
Your son should not be discussing his sex life with you--he should be discussing it with his wife and his therapist. Your DIL has a mental illness and everyone needs to take a step back and treat this as if they would someone who has cancer or diabetes--people don't "mean" to have cancer or diabetes--they just do and they should not be blamed for being ill. My father is bipolar so I know what I speak of when I say that your son will have a lifetime of ups and downs. But, he said his marriage vows and those include "sickness and health." Your DIL is sick and may never be well. My mother has managed to stay married to my father because she is literally the most patient and understanding person I have ever met. Your DS will face some major challenges in his life and I am glad that the two of them are in therapy--they'll need to stay in therapy (maybe for years), if they hope to someday find some balance. The bad thing about bipolar is, you're never cured--there are always setbacks and re-adjustments of medicine. If your son thinks that she'll eventually be "ok" he's in for a rude awakening. My dad is in his mid-60s and I never have any idea which "Dad" I may see when I see him--the moody one, the fun one, the angry one, the loving one--it is a crap shoot for sure.
Mrs.Kitty, that was an excellent post, and I totally agree! There is no cure for it, however, there is theropy and medications....which both help...
I'm so glad we've come so far in understanding this disease, years ago, they would institutionalize people for this...and have renamed the disease so as not to make it sound so bad as it was originally called, manic depressive illness...it is serious and very difficult to deal with....and the son involved here should be doing everything he can to read up on it so to understand it, knowledge is power...but what bothers me is the fact that they are having children, as it is heriditary....genetic, isn't it?