Hi everyone,
I am so glad I found this site I have spent hours reading. It helps to know that I am not the only one going through this.
Here's some background info.. Sorry its so long
I have three children 1 son almost 21 yo and 2 stepdaughters 14 and 11
Almost 3 years ago I divorced my son's father. I had been a long time coming and he (my son) even thought it was a good idea.
I moved out and for a couple months lived with my dad next door. I then got an apartment. My son's GF moved in almost as soon as I moved out. Exhusband moved out of family home and in with his GF and pays the mortgage where DS and GF live. I have been nothing but respectful to this young lady and tried to treat like a daughter. DS works about 32 hours a week and GF goes to college but doesn't work.
I have always paid my DS car insurance and cell phone. It has gotten to where the only time I hear from him is when they need something, tires, groceries, money something.
Last Christmas they didn't come by until a week later, no thank you or anything.
My then fiance and I tried to call and text DS several times to meet us at my dads (next door to his house) My then fiance wanted to ask both their permission to marry me. We could never get a hold of him. Didn't return calls or text. So my husband only asked my dad.
We soon got married and bought a home. He came by a few times but only when I was giving them something usually.
Still very hard to get a hold of, no return call or text usually.
Easter nothing-- no call or text
Then we had a large family gathering for all of our extended families to meet and see our new home. DS came for a couple of minutes but it had to leave GF had a headache and he had to make her soup.
His bday sent card and gift no thank you call or text
September I did finally get a hold of him and we talked for a short while. I explained to him that I only wanted to know that he was ok. I don't call or text much. Usually once a week. He was ok with that said he understood and would follow through.
Didn't happen..
I texted one week asking if they would like for us to go out to dinner our treat to their favorite restaurant.-- no reply
Made his and GF favorite dinner invited them over to eat or if they wanted would drop it by-- no reply
Finally last week I had enough.. I turned the phone off
He said he didn't have time to text but in looking at the bill he texted/called the most
I left a message on his GF phone and let him know that some decision had been made that he needed to contact me.
He called and I informed him that since he can text everyone he can get his own phone and he can also pay his insurance.
If he can't pay it or won't I'll go get it and it can sit in my yard till the wheels fall off
I know he's mad he's blocked me on FB
He's talked to my sister but GF kept butting in and interrupting.
I'm just tired of being taken advantage of and only being called when something is needed.
I'm at my whits end
K
Welcome Kathrn.
Sorry you are going through this mistreatment by your DS. You certainly are not alone. And you don't deserve it. So many mothers on here being treated that way. It's terrible.
I think you are on the right track by not paying his bills anymore and letting him pay for himself for things he wants. No respect or thanks for what we do, what do they expect!!! They have to learn to pay their own way
anyway.
Maybe he is so wrapped up in this GF that he doesn't take the time to call you or they are too busy. New relationships can be like that, however he is being very disrespectful, I just think maybe not on purpose.
But seems that you have done all you can to keep communication going with him. He is the one not responding.
So you should enjoy that new DH of yours and new family until your DS comes around. You can be happy. You don't have to sit and hurt. It won't help anything anyway. Take care of yourself now.
Your DS is acting like a brat (insert stronger language). I don't want to defend him, but even though he is 21 and an adult, his behavior is very reminiscent of kid angry at his parents. Your son may be feeling abandoned. You moved out. Maybe only next door, but still you left. Then his father left. You don't mention how his relationship with his dad is. A lot of times dear ole mom is blamed for a dysfunctional father-son/daughter relationship. DS may blame you for the divorce. Doesn't matter what the actual circumstances were, all that matters is what he believes happens. He may feel abandoned a second time because you've remarried.
You certainly don't need to keep paying his bills. I highly recommend you don't. Having him dependent on you can really cripple his ego though he may not realize it. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to become financially independent, even if they have to scrape for awhile.
I suggest finding some counseling. With DS if he's willing to go, but by yourself if he won't. It'd be a shame to have a lifelong feud if it's a case of harbored resentment over a divorce and could be resolved. Good luck.
Many young people today (30 & under) feel so entitled. Maybe the last push from the nest is what your son needs? You won't always be there to pay his way. Its better he learn for that now. I agree with what you are doing. People will continue to treat you the way you allow. Good luck and welcome to the site.
Welcome Kathryn. When you get a moment, please read the highlighted posts under "Open Me First". Nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all new members to do this.
I'm sorry you are having issues with DS, but glad you set some boundaries. Step one is realizing that relationships are two-way streets and when it becomes a one-way, it's time to make some changes. Let him pay his own way, he should have been anyway.
Hello Kathrn,
If I could change anything I did with my son; then it would be that I wish I hadn't been as generous as I was. The more I gave him; the more disrespectful he got. I felt like I was buying his love,. Whereas...he only treated me worse.
I once read an article saying that adult children resent the hand that feeds them, because it makes them still feel like children. Although they may beg for the help, they hate doing it. And the only way they can show their independence is by being standoffish, resentful, and plain old rude.
That made sense to me. We stopped giving to our son the last past years. He learned the hard way, and it wasn't easy to say no,...but now; - lo and behold he's a successful business man and earns more than we do. Still, do you think he even considers paying anything back? Hah...not in his wildest dreams. :o
So, what I'm saying here is; if an adult child is disrespectful and plain old mean to you, he is probably that way whether you give him money or not. I think if a son behaves this way, ( at least our son), he just doesn't think as much about us as we do of him. ?...Sad but true;...but it also releases us of any responsibility and it gives us freedom. It takes a while, but it happens. It's liberating.
Oh, and our son isn't a child of divorce;...so it really doesn't have to be because of that. I think it's just a personality thing.
Thanks everyone for the insight I truly appreciate it.
Still nothing from DS my sister has reached out to him trying to find out what going on with him. So far it appears that GF may be the biggest issue. She doesn't like me, not sure what I did but she doesn't. They have been together almost 4 years so its not really a new relationship its his first love. As to my ex from what I can gather he may contact my son once a month or less.
Right now I'm holding firm.... I'm sure the holidays are going to be strained I'm not planning on buy him any gifts at this time. If I do it may only be a gift card and a Christmas card. Gone are the days of me spending and spending on him. And then spending at least a couple hundred on his GF. I think DH and I may take a mini vacay.
Thanks again
K
Kathrn a mini vacation sounds like the ticket! Pick somewhere wonderful and send the card from there. Let it be a little late. Treat yourself and that incredible man you were smart enough to marry to an enchanting holiday!
Welcome, K. I agree with the others - you must live your best life. It does help.
Quote from: freespirit on November 13, 2013, 02:00:34 PM
Hello Kathrn,
If I could change anything I did with my son; then it would be that I wish I hadn't been as generous as I was. The more I gave him; the more disrespectful he got. I felt like I was buying his love,. Whereas...he only treated me worse.
I once read an article saying that adult children resent the hand that feeds them, because it makes them still feel like children. Although they may beg for the help, they hate doing it. And the only way they can show their independence is by being standoffish, resentful, and plain old rude.
That made sense to me. We stopped giving to our son the last past years. He learned the hard way, and it wasn't easy to say no,...but now; - lo and behold he's a successful business man and earns more than we do. Still, do you think he even considers paying anything back? Hah...not in his wildest dreams. :o
I can so relate to this comment and agree with you. This is also a major regret of mine. I would change giving so much to my AD especially once she decided to run away and marry a man she barely knew. I wanted to make her life easier, and I have realized I helped create a monster. I also have realized that by me giving and giving I was showing her that she mattered more than me. She knew it was hard financially for me to give to her, yet she took. She and her husband also had no problem taking and asking for help when they needed it, well she asked, he just took, until I annoyed them with a comment or opinion that he didn't like and all of a sudden I was "pathetic" and I "buy love". Things are a bit better between my daughter and I after a terrible 5 months and weeks without speaking. Her darling husband is deployed for 9 months so she seems to be " allowed" to reach out a bit. I am thankful I get to see my nearly 16 month old grand daughter on face book. I have talked on the phone twice and skyped once since he left the country. Things are strained, and I have no illusion that things wont go back to terrible when he is back home. I have changed how I react to her. I have changed how much I initiate contact. I have changed how I give in as far as gifts to the baby. I have learned so much about myself, my AD, and life the past few months. I am so very thankful for this site and all of you!
@maddie, you listed things you've changed at the end of your comment above.
I wonder how you changed things. For example you changed the giving from what? To what? And the contact?
I have a DIL and son who both only see their own families. I've read enough online to know millions do this but I am having a hard time knowing when I should contact and how. Thanks
@ Dixie
My daughter and I were very close until the strain of her leaving college to run a way and marry a man she barely knew and I had never met! We talked daily. I used to text her random thoughts or ideas. She did the same. Once she married and moved she changed. Changed slowly. Changed how she dressed, her values, how she talked. We were very strained from I would say oct 2011 until close to when my grand daughter was born july 2012. During that time we still talked and texted but not as often. During that time I over gave anyway. I would send random gifts, I would send money to help with a down payment of a car. I would send to him like bday and Christmas gifts even though he never talked to me or said thank you. I bought the babies car seat and stroller and countless outfits and matching bows. From the time baby was born and Jan 2013 I had hopes our relationship was improving. AD called and initiated contact more. Then Jan 2013 her dog was sent ahead to stay with me before their relocation. Dog chewed my railings on my stairs. Dog got colitis from nerves from the change in environment and weather. I was calm and okay with it but notified my daughter. I got a rude and snarky text from her husband that I obviously could not handle the dog, that all I have done is complain, etc. When it was time for them get their dog on their way to their new duty station. SIL did not come with my daughter. They had rented a Uhaul to bring things from Chicago to the new duty station. I had offered a ton of household goods to them back before I received the dog. I was not going back on my word. So, he came and loaded up everything from a snow blower, to a beautiful dish set, holiday decorations...I mean a ton of stuff. Nice things I didn't want or need, AND I wanted to give her a good start. They went on to their new duty station. They bought a house and settled in. I sent a few gifts for their new home. Giving is NOT unusual. This is how I was raised. If you have you give, and even though some financial burden came with giving for me it was a habit and i now realize was to make her life easy so that I didn't have to worry about her. From the time they settled in their new duty station until june 2013 AD and I were pretty darn good. I thought to myself that this was the beginning of a real grown up relationship and she had realized how much i did for her/them and always had whether just with support and an ear or things. June 2013 she came with baby for a short visit. She was strange the minute she got off the plane. She was snarky and distant. My family noticed. We all noticed rude Face book statuses right while we were sitting with her that her family is just too much. Or her family is just to loud, etc. One status was while my mom sister, and AD and baby were clothes shopping. My mom was buying a cart full of things for them. We all just took it...not sure why except that is what we do, right? Love our kids, grandkids? A few days into our trip i asked a simple question about food for the baby and AD told me off right in front of our entire family, It escalated. She stormed out to walk to my home from my sisters house which was a mile away. She changed her plane ticket. She involved her husband who sent me a venomuos text which included warning me to "stay in my own lane at all times", " you are pathetic and buy love", and expletives I wont share. I was stunned. I texted back to him that he was rude and had no issue taking things from me until then. He told me he would make "darn sure nothing arrived to his house from me ever again, not a card, letter, or gift". AD left and I was so hurt, shocked and angry I didn't reach out for about a week. When I did reach out I told her I loved her and baby and always would, but that I thought we needed time apart. I did not hear back from her. I think she was shocked I didnt keep trying. At that point i just couldn't. So, that is one change I made, I didn't contact her again for over a month. I am sure she expected me to keep trying and panic. I did not. When the babies 1st bday came in July i sent an empty card. I wanted to acknowledge the day but not send a gift. I also was not sure he would allow a gift or card to arrive. That was change number two. No way a year ago would I have NOT sent baby a gift. When his bday came around I did a big fat zero. No card. That was something new for me and gave me some of my own power back. I felt strong that i was taking a stand. Daughters bday came around she got just a card. That was major change number 3. Never would I have thought I would not have sent her a gift. During the bday times I mention I did email once in a while. I would say I love you, and while we need this time apart, I am looking forward to working on our relationship and speaking again. That was major change number 4 because I did not try often. She herself was silent and did not respond to anything except to text to say thanks for the baby's bday card. I knew by her doing that she was a bit put back I did not send a gift, just my intuition. Now, that we are a bit better, since early September or so I still do not call or text often. I would say that is the major change, not initiating. She has initiated once or twice I believe. The more i read this page, or talk to friends especially ones with AC acting so rude and unappreciative the better I am. I read. I meditate. I pray. I spend money on ME. I have come to realize i gave her this power she thinks can hurt me. And, while i was in tears, and devastaed and could not stop crying i now am so much better. So much better in fact I want to speak to women's groups about giving too much of ourselves away, especially to our kids. I know this happens to parents who are divorced or still married. I want to help get the message out that our kids are NOT our lives, they are just a part of it. I know I said a lot, Dixie, maybe more than you asked for...LOL...i just needed to kind of explain how things have evolved. p.s. I should also add that I find a great deal out about her on face book. I dont ask any questions about anything not directly told to me. That is also a change before I would have asked about what she shared. For example, I read her status about a month ago that she bought her tickets for Thanksgiving. I didn't really expect her to come home for it, but it hurt she announced it that way knowing i would wonder where she was going and be hurt. I didn't say a thing. Then as I realized WHERE she was going, to a friends she has barely known a year, I simply sent her a quick message and said "I am glad you and baby wont be alone, I would never want you to be, and while this was NOT the year for us to be together, I hope someday in the future we CAN be." THAT was a major change. Before I would have asked her to come home regardless of the situation. I would have asked where she was going and said i was hurt and shocked she just announced it on fb. I will no longer give her that kind of power over me.
Wow maddiemoo,...hope you felt better after letting all that out. 8)
I just would like to suggest you post in paragraphs. I kept losing my place while reading your message. :(
Not sure, but it sounds like you son in law is behind all of this aggressive behavior. Perhaps he was jealous of your intense relationship with your daughter. I could sing a song about that, because my husband was jealous of my mother. But that backfired on him. Instead of allowing him to influence me, it almost caused us to break up. I often felt sandwiched between all these people that supposedly only meant the best for me.
So, I'm just saying, your daughter may secretly be very grateful that you are now keeping more in the background, because of the stress her husband is making. Just guessing here.
Stay strong. I think you're on the right track. If you had such an intense relationship; that will never be forgotten.
You'll see; ...your daughter probably misses you more than you realize.
Thank You, FreeSpirit for your support. You may very well be right about her husband, I have felt he makes her feel she has to choose between her old life and new life.
Thanks also for the suggestion about the paragraphs...you are right! My previous post would be hard to follow if I myself did not know what I wrote. I will work on that :)
As the mom of three boys - two in your son's age range, I just have a bit different perspective but just a little different. He is acting rude to you and spoiled/entitled.
Do I think that is much different from any child his age? Well, maybe 50/50 - meaning that at some point most young people go through this. I think that it was time for him to learn some responsibility. But I don't necessarily think the way it was approached is the best method I would have used.
Looking at it from the outside in, it is as if you are saying the cell phone and car insurance are my leverage for you keeping in touch with me.
I think that the two things are completely separate.
You should expect him to keep in touch with you because he wants to not because you are paying his car insurance and cell phone. If he doesn't right now, I also think you are reading too much into it. At this age, he's probably working and trying to figure out his life ahead. While we'd hope as parents that they'd call us regularly, sometimes it just doesn't happen.
I think the best thing you could have done in this area is just continue to make contact with him. But instead of a text, I'd call and leave a voice message. Don't be at his beck and call, just let him know you were thinking about him. Also, don't take it personally, just realize he is a young man trying to find himself.
As for the cell phone and the insurance, I think it would have better been resolved by explaining that you felt he was old enough now to be responsible for these two things. Give him time to adjust - maybe three months. Say, that you will continue to pay his cell phone bill and his insurance for the next three months and then he would need to take the responsibility over. Unless you heard from him, you'd go ahead and assume he wanted you to cancel both the phone and the insurance coverage.
There's nothing to feel bad about with regards to expecting a 21 year old to pay for these two items. If he pouts then let him. It's time he learned that being an adult who can do his own thing means he has to pay his own way.
Maddiemoo - reading your post sounds like your daughter's husband has some major control issues with her and I just want to ask is he abusive? I've read other posts on here where adult children stay away and anger is blamed on both the child and their significant other, but something in your post strikes me as there more there especially when you say "he would not allow it" as in you aren't allowed to send HER anything.
He also felt nothing about sending you texts that were so over the top abusive and threatening that it strikes me as a major boundary issue and red flags go up. If he threatens and speaks that way to you I can only imagine how he speaks to her. I really hope I'm wrong here, but something doesn't seem right. I'm sorry, it's just my thoughts from your post and I hope you keep us updated.
Also, I would print out every one of those threatening texts and keep them on record. Good luck.
Sarah,
I do believe he is extremely controlling and opinionated.
I believe she needs a daddy type figure because her own father was not too involved after our divorce. I think she says her husband's controlling and opinionated behavior as loving and dedicated!
Some of the things he did while they were just skyping during his Iraq deployment were to make fun of how she dressed, so she slowly changed her style. Just that in itself is controlling!
I think she feels she has to stay married now forever and choose sides. I feel she especially feels this way after his obnoxious and abusive words to me to prove a point of independence and maturity.
He thinks the baby is "his baby". She says it like it is cute, I find it controlling and think it is macho and discounts her. The mere fact she will allow him to keep the baby from me in anyway also demonstrates his control and abusive nature.
I truly believe that while she is making many decisions and following his lead, that she at the ripe old age of 23 wonders what the heck she got herself into. I firmly believe if a person is comfortable in their own skin they don't take offense to what they think others think, or what others say, or mild opinions or suggestions from their mother that they used to tell everything to.
Thank you Maddie for sharing all that with me. You are a strong and brave woman. Stay steady and I believe you'll see the day that she returns to you. If her husband is controlling she will have he fill soon enough. And she will realize the fool she's been,
Thanks again!
You are very welcome Dixie!
Hang in there!