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Welcome buggalugs,

I hate to say it, but you're in a community where we really understand what you're feeling and your circumstances. 

I only have 1 DD also. (and 1 stepson).  That is the worst part that it's the only one we have.  It's hard to tell by your post if you've attempted contact (I assume yes) and have just been repeatedly shunned or what. 

The long distance makes it doubly hard.

I am so sorry for the loss of your DD and GC.  I don't know the circumstances as to what happened or why, but I hope that in time, things will change for you.  If they don't, please concentrate on yourself, your needs, and your wants. 

I, too, have felt those envy pangs when I hear other mom's my age talk about their AC that are my DD's age and how well they're doing.  Mine, not so hot.  I am happy for them and feel proud for them especially when I know those kids from when they were babes, but I look at my own and feel terrible some days. 

I am wishing you well.  It is really helpful to post here and let our your feelings.  You'll find awesome WW that will encourage and support you....and sometimes you might just needs us to listen.  That's OK too.

Warmest thoughts to you bugaluggs.

Hi Dear Didi.lost,

If you get bullied by your sis again and poked with a stick like that, maybe you could use some of luise's words in her 1st reply to you.  Sounded like good a good response and common sense to me. ( When people want to discuss things calmly with me, that's when they can call me back.) 

My sis took my DD's side initially and we had some words.  But it didn't take long and my sis saw what was really going on.  Luise is right, though.  If your sis doesn't want to see or believe certain things about her niece, she won't till she's ready or till she sees it for herself firsthand.

hugs to you Didi.   

Begonia, your original post gave me encouragement and hope.  You've practiced not enabling I see.  I need to practice the same and quit offering so much "help". 

what a big slap in the face, Ruth.  I totally get it.  Your feelings are certainly validated here with us. 

Our emotions sway to and fro from the hurt, to anger, and then back again to somewhere in between.  As moms, we tend to say whatever we want....it's our right, right?  We try to keep it within reason, but we don't sugar-coat much. 

I did want to add that I have made that same mistake of trying to job search for DD and even SIL.  I have stopped doing it.  My "helping" wasn't welcomed and especially with SIL who  makes no moves of anything I or my own DF have tried to help him with in job searching, and he has no ambition of his own to try anything at all.  DD finally found a part time cleaning job.  All this nonsense is their's to live through.  Not my problem.  If they were to actually come out and ask me to keep my eyes peeled for any poss job openings, I would probably do it.  But I will no longer knock myself out trying to help those who don't help themselves.  My DF still insists on looking in the paper or online and continues to say, "tell so&so (my SIL) this job is in there...it would be perfect for him!"  I now exhaustedly respond,  "don't bother looking, SIL has no interest in working."  My DF can offer the info personally to them if he insists, but I am no longer the go-between and no longer really care.  The scenario makes my DF sick to watch as well as this is his GD and great GD attached to my loser SIL.  If my DD wants to support her own little DD and loser DH on her meager part time wages (that she busts her fanny to get by the way) with no expectations from her own for his employment,  then she may enjoy reaping those kinds of benefits all by herself.   


Funny thing is, I have been receptive to job leads from others (parents or not) and my own DF actually found a job lead that my DH moved on and got the job years ago.  DH has since transferred to where he was closer to home and no commute, but he was accepting of the suggestion without offense.  I am thinking it's the age that makes a difference.  Maybe the older we get, the more wise and accepting we are of things like that.  Even though your DS is 32, he's just getting started looking for the college education job he trained for.  Do yourself a huge favor and put your energy elsewhere.  It's work for you to look and if it goes for you like it has for me, it's just fruitless efforts.  Concentrate on your own wants/needs.  And/or put your loving help toward someone who would welcome it.   

It was only natural and very generous of you to give a party.  If he can't appreciate that, then let the party be over IMHO.  In every way. 

I think you did good!

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Quote"my take is that we are faced with the new identity that has to include this new information...and act accordingly in our own best interest. I find it a great relief when I get to that place because I can do something about that."

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This is so good.  This "new identity" thing isn't so easy.  Too bad it wasn't like riding a bike and you just get back on and it all comes back to you on how to do it, but for some reason when it comes to our AC, it feels like we forgot how to ride the bike when it comes to a new identity for ourselves.  But the comment was excellent and food for thought. 

Grammie, I know this is obviously very painful for you with the impersonal card situation....but DS did remember your DH's B-day.  I agree the young GC could have made a scribble of his own name on the card, but maybe DS didn't even think of it.  These thorns in our sides just have to be plucked out so we can find some peace in the coldness.   I'm still working on the new identity thing.  Work it is.....but I find a bit of freedom in it.   Sometimes I have had to lower my expectations in a huge way when it comes to my DD.  It about broke my spirit at first, but I'm a survivor and am willing to try on the new me.  Should I receive one thing whether it is a card or anything else (which I know I won't) for my upcoming b-day, it will be a pleasant surprise, truly.  Otherwise, I'll do my own thing for  my  day and that will be just fine. 

Warm thoughts to you and your DH today. 

JaneF,

It was a pleasure reading your post this a.m....sounds like your GD is in good, loving, and sensible hands!  I could almost smell the fresh air in your post.  I love that you're developing a close relationship with GD.  We must embrace all things positive.   

Enjoyed the burial ceremony description (in a tender, loving way, not acutal "enjoyment") as well as the planting of the Sweet Peas. 

I also wanted to wish you a very happy birthday, as mine is this month also.  Happy Birthday, sister!  Mine will be #48 and plan to be in northern Michigan, camping on the river with my motorcycle....oh yeah, the hubby will be there too.  ;-)

Oh my, JaneF,

You weren't kidding when you responded to one of my posts that said my life reminded you of your own. 

Wow.  Does it ever after reading all this. 

I am exhausted reading it because it is a lot like mine, minus the 2nd hubby in rehab.  it's my only SIL who went through that as well as my DD. 

I feel like you, I've about had it.  It's stupid and wrecklessly irresponsible of my DD to carry on this way.  My almost 30 yr old unemployed SIL still wears his britches 1/2 way down his fanny.  Grow up already for pete's sake.   Both of you (comment directed at my DD and SIL)! 

I feel for you completely, JaneF.  After reading your info, I am so not alone.  All emotions are in full swing (only not as intense as it was initially) from draining sadness, to disbelief, to disgust, to anger, and back again.  Makes me want to move away.  My heart breaks for our AC but mostly for their non AC.  :-(  hang in there Jane.  I will if you will. 

Janef, I know, right?!

Gosh, L.C.,

I just want to stand silently with you and hold your hand a while. 

I am the champion enabler and that is the first thing I thought of when I read your post and it actually made me sad because it was almost like looking in a mirror...don't like mirrors that reveal a truth, kind of like standing on that weight scale and thinking, NO way (but you secretly know the revealed weight is true)!  ......especially when you added that part that you receive no remembrance tokens for your birthday, holiday, etc.  I have been super-guilty of doing these things with the difference of no one held my GD from me.  I totally understand that love for your GC and would do anything to see her just so she wouldn't forget who I am. 

I hate being an enabler so much and I have felt used, unappreciated, and taken for granted because of it by my own DD.  My feelings are my own though just like her actions are her own.  It's hard work (emotionally and just being a mom!) and we always take 1 step forward and 2 steps back.  It's OK, L.C.  None of us are perfect.  I have to work at saying no, like some sort of addict.  I totally love lancaster lady's response to her DD when her DD states she has no money....."neither do I, isn't it awful being poor."  I'm going to use that or something similar to it!  I am actually, finally, getting to the point  to where I am very sick and tired of all this nonsense with my DD and her gross irresponsibility and crappy life choices she's made with the expectation I'll always be there.   (not comparing your DS with my DD, just sayin' for myself.)  I'm a work in progress, sisters....have a ways to go but not going back to where I was!   And another truth is, the well's gone dry. 

Lots of good posts here. 

Hi C.,

I just wanted to encourage you to keep coming back to your lil cyber family here. 

I thought Doe gave a wonderful response and suggestions. 

My heart broke for you reading your post.  Anything I could say to you regarding the loss of your child in that manner would be insufficient.  I know that is something that time might not "heal" but hoping that somehow by a miracle, you will find some peace beyond all understanding.  You have been blessed by some children who love you deeply yet.

Thing is, when people get used to abusing us and/or watching us get abused, they think it's the norm.  It is not. (re: your other 3 DS's/DIL's)  I would suggest you might have to let them know you aren't going to be trading communications in a disrespectful manner but I can sense you might be feeling drained and all the fight is out of you.  It sounds like you have already relayed messages that you love them and you have not agreed to their terms of "repairing" the relationships.  When our love it isn't reciprocated, we sometimes just have to shake the dust off our feet and move on.  Not saying your door is permanently closed, but you, beloved, are not anyone's doormat.  Part of me is so sad for you and the other part feels angry for you.  (as I do in my own situation)  IMHO, I suppose remaining silent and having them interpret that as something it isn't, is more peaceful than constantly trying to prove my love/feelings and having them beat me for it.  I guess I'd choose the lesser of the 2. 

There looks like there's a lot of history here for your AC but we can all choose to stay stuck in it or live life for today and appreciate what we have.  You and some other women of your family have suffered many things as did I and my sister, along with my own DM and her DM.  We sometimes say it's a miracle we (sis and I) turned out at all.  We can all blame our pasts and our parents and a list of other things....or we can allow the open wounds to become scars and move on to live a happy a life as humanly possible. 

Events seemed to be very hard on everyone in your family circle and I hope that in time those that need to will find better coping skills and find a way to forgive.    Until/if that happens, try the very best to concentrate on yourself and embrace those who love you so much.  Luise is always saying that AC's choices and decisions are not are responsibility anymore.  Also, I'm glad to hear you have found a way to get away from medications but it's nothing to be ashamed of if you should so need that.  With all you have been subjected to, it is certainly understandable to need a little help that way.  You sound as if you're heading in the right direction, even though your heart still bleeds.  1 step at a time in the right direction, is the right direction.

Warmest thoughts to you, C.  *hugs*

That was excellent SCW. 

and luise!

Thank you all. 

I just had a thought: The downs aren't bad per say, they just remind us that we love our DSs, which is a good thing. The ups mean we care about ourselves! How great is that? Eventually we get to a place of more ups than downs. Our love for our DSs is shown/remembered in more positive ways by then. Our love/care for ourselves continues...and so we grow

Pen , that is so true and I never thought if it the way you put it....but the really good days usually come from doing for myself rather than DD/SIL.  That is the flip side to this craziness.....finding ourselves again and liking it!  I used to treasure "helping" them and it is my nature to like to help others that way....however, I am painfully and slowly becoming comfortably numb to their shenanigans and ready to let the chips fall where they may as I back off from their endless neediness.  GD seems to be my only concern now.  If it weren't for her, I'd have buried my head in the sand long ago.     

I ended up having my GD tonight. I no sooner than typed the last word in a post on WW and my DD called.  My DD and SIL will be going down to social services early tomorrow a.m. on their bicycles.  They had no food in the house tonight.  Of course, the few bucks they scraped up from bottles/cans went to a little tobacco and I think an order of fries from across the road.  I remain scratching my head. 

Took my DD to get milk for GD on her WIC and I bought diapers and brought GD to my home.  SIL's aunt would have taken her but she just moved and is exhausted and very busy.  Thought I'd give everyone a break for the night (except me), but little GD so wanted to come with me and kept saying "Gamma!  Gamma!" so what could I do....of course she can come with Gamma if she wants to.   So much for stepping back and taking a break. 

mywebb, I am going to offer it once again about taking GD.  With my SIL's aunt, we may be able to swing it.  I do work 12 hr shifts that usually last much longer so it would be hard for me to take her on those days I work.  I'm going to have to talk to the aunt where they are staying to feel her out.  She shared having GD with me when the scare pair went in to rehab.  Between me, SIL's aunt and DD/SIL, that is where she is anyway. 

My SIL is supposedly going to look a few places for work tomorrow....blah blah blah.  He should have started that search 2 1/2 yrs ago when he lost his job and unemployment ran out 1 1/2 yrs ago.  It's all a broken record. 

luise, I wish it didn't take so long for me to learn to accept the ugliness of what my DD has accepted as "normal".  She wasn't raised this way and I have no idea why she has made these life choices.  I know they're her very own choices though.    I erased a bunch of stuff I wanted to post  here because it's too long and I began to bore myself with the repetetiveness of the writing..... more blah blah blah and same ole same ole.  And it tires me out anymore.  Maybe that's part of finally getting to the point of not trying to intervene....just plain exhaustion from trying to help folks who aren't trying to help themselves. 

I have decided that if DD/SIL get their ER housing, they can take what they can fit out of my basement (I've also been their storage unit during all this nonsense).  What is left will then be taken to a real live storage unit even if I have to pay for the moving truck and 1 mos (only) storage rent.  I plan to take my DD and SIL to the storage unit and it can be in their names....then when they don't pay their bill, they (storage unit company) can do whatever it is they do to rid themselves of the baggage.  I want my basement back and be done with this tomfoolery. 

Thanks for listening everyone.   

JaneF,

I am really really sorry your life is anywhere similar to mine with your own DD. 

I guess i need to try to put my email in my account here for WW so I can communicate with you if you want.  I think I  marked it not to communicate initially.  I'll have to check into that very shortly. 

Thanks for your thoughts and checking in.  Very comforting.