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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - stilltrying2010

91
Maybe am I those DILs you all speak of... I never thought of myself as trying to "cut DH from the herd" more like circling my wagons to prevent being fired upon by enemies.  I am universally disliked by DHs family.  Have I done things to make them dislike me?  Yes, some intentionally, some not.  I have gone into a speak when spoken to mode... so as far as I can tell they shouldn't be complaining that I don't tell them things about our DD when they do not speak to me.  In addition – in their family they spread and enhance personal information and I do not want all of our business out there for people to know.  I send the appropriate cards, mail just as many pics to them as I do my own parents but effort is just not there on either side.  Am I supposed to just keep giving to them in hopes that they accept me & treat me in a manner that is acceptable to me?  I've been married for 6 years... I did make efforts only to be ignored or disregarded.  How long does it go on?  All the Uncles Wives in DHs Foo are openly talked about in a negative way.  The other DIL (married to DHs step brother) is "below" me intheir eyes – I have heard MIL & StepFIL talk bad about her & their kids!!!  I am just so tired of being sad, hurt, angry, frustrated, and made out to be the bad guy.

And now we're getting ready to visit them. My DH just came in and saw my face asked what is wrong and said I just need to learn when to "deflect them, to zig when they zag, to anticipate when they are coming my way and veer off before they get to me and he doesn't know how to teach me to do it"  Is this how people interact with in laws?  I am just dreading going into a situation where I know I am talked about (they talk about EVERYONE), disliked, will be ignored, all bad is due to me all good is due to them or my DH.  I just need to find the strength to walk in and not care.  Everything that is OK for them is not for me – it IS their family and I don't expect it to revolve around me/my wishes.  But when it all goes down, regardless of what role I've played it is ME they ignore.  Maybe this time I'll just bring books and smile a lot.  I should not care that they STILL know nothing about me, don't speak to me unless no one else left to talk to.  I have tried joining their conversations but they either tell the same old stories (usually humiliating the person they are talking about) or talk about people that I don't know.  I have asked questions, tried to seem interested, voiced my opinion (BIG mistake –will only do that again if they are abusing someone –emotionally/verbally).   All in an effort to find some common ground yet all there is are comparisons.  I don't want my daughter involved in that so I am the wrong one. 

The sad thing is – its like the elephant in the living room tension.  Even my DHs own pain and sadness – always trying to be acknowledged by these people who we'll be travelling 2000 miles to see yet they'll just ignore him. His entire demeanor changes around them.  I boil for how he feels/has  felt since childhood and it seems that's what they reduce him to – a boy. His mom thinks he's shy – he's not, he just learned not to say anything lest he draw their poison towards him.  How am I supposed to go to these people with an open heart?  How am I supposed to honor them as my DH's parents... they don't really talk to each other.   The depth of my DHs sadness that he shows me is unbearable – it makes me dislike them.  Yet I should come and bring our child to them to love?  Put her heart out there to be manipulated, guilted and compared to, talked about negatively by them? 

We leave in a week... not sure how I'm going to do this.
92
I sat on the sofa and worried over what I had written & actually logged on to delete it - I am sorry B... I sounded like some person who tell me in my own situation (issues with MIL) to just ignore it or to think of her needs (when clearly mine are no consideration to her). 

I applaud all that you have done for your son's extended family & hope that you find the strength to deal with the situation - it seems as though you have 2 things going for you - your son recognizes your love (but doesnt yet act) and you are still trying. 
93
Hi Byrdg605.  I want to tell you about my situation. First let me say I am a DIL who has "issues" with the MIL.  I am trying to get some insight into how to handle things, from other MILs perspectives and any other DILs who are here as well.   That being said I want to tell you more about myself...

My mom was widowed when my sister & I were almost 2 & 4 yrs old. She remarried when we were almost 5 & 7.  My real father's parents, siblings came to her 2nd wedding.  My "step"Dad and his family have never treated us differently.  We received all the same gifts, time etc all while my bio dads family continued to be in our lives.  My GPs took us out for our birthday - we got to pick a toy or clothing and go to lunch.  For each summer my  Gma would take my sister & I alone for a wk, just like all the other grandkids.  They loved us and accepted us.   To this day of the children in my family ( a his, her & theirs situation) my sister & I (the non-bios) are the ones who keep in contact with them - they thank me every time we talk.  I cannot imagine making a family tree without including these people in it as they helped shape my life.  She is the one who told me of the angels wings when making a bed & how to set a table.  Grandpa had his love of birds and flowers – I even have "my rosebush" planted in the garden (a plant each time a child was born).

I can completely relate to the fact that since these other children were not raised within your family that the connection doesn't run as deep for you but your son must have love in his heart for them.  What giving people your son & wife must be to open their hearts and home.

I don't think it is fair of your DIL to not allow you to see her children but I cannot imagine how she must feel when you pick only some of them.  They are your son's children too – all of them.  He is raising them.  He is instilling his beliefs, helping to shape their lives.  Think of all you could offer them (since you obviously raised a loving son).   3 of these kids come from not ideal situations you could be another "normal" adult in their lives. That doesn't mean they all have to come at once or you have to do the same things that you do with a young boy -but they  could make their own traditions with you and be trusted friends - after all they do live with your son's bio children and will be influenceing them as well.

I hope I have not offended, just wanted to give a different perspective.  As you can tell I am DEFINITELY still working on the keeping my mouth shut :)
94
I wanted to thank everyone for replying -Julia thanks for making me feel my concerns are valid.  Pooh, I like the idea of making it a whole romanitc getaway for us :).  My DH & I haven't had "the talk" yet, but I feel more confident/secure in choosing what's best for our daughter instead of what is less likely to offend my MIL (thanks Luise).  I don't know how my DH will see it but I'm sure we'll work it out.
95
We thought about that - I am sure I could convine my mom but what would be preception be for MIL?  She's not good enough so I brought MY mother in to do it?  IDK - any MILs willing to weigh in?
Have the feeling that I'm stuck btwn the proverial rock & hard place...
96
Grandchildren / Who should our Daughter stay with
June 28, 2010, 05:06:48 PM
We will be attending a school reunion near my husbands home town.  My own family lives about 45-50 minutes away.
We are trying to figure out who to leave our 4 yr old daughter with.  We live away from ALL family & our daughter has never stayed without us.  She is fully potty trained (never accidents) but can get scared at night (although the last month has had no issues).
My husband suggested getting a hotel room & having his cousin (24yrs old) watch her.  My objections: Our daughter has never met the cousin & what is there to do in a hotel room.
We are talking about having MIL watch her.  But I have several objections: MIL & stepFIL both are HIGHLY medicated with pain killers, both have been hospitalized more than once this year, their bdrm is at opposite end of house from where our daughter would be, I am NOT comfortable with MIL having her sleep in their bed.  Also, in the past when we have visited ILs let other cousins (over 8 all boys, stay too & I am not comfortable with this).
That being said, I would rather have my own mom watch her. I know in doing this it will severly anger MIL
- what do you think??
97
Cathingup wrote:
What did I do. Snubbed them as much as I could. What a butch I am. Still cant get over their accussations.

I think this is normal.  I am a DIL on the opposite side of hte coin so to speak but I sometimes will think I have everything "incheck" an d then I see them and BAM! its like its happening all over again. Or worse, they are pretending that it never happened and you end up having your feelings hurt (again).

What I do is start over the next time I see them, depending on what has transpired... I always have wanted to bring up the "accusation" but worry that it will make matters worse.  I once had the opportunity to call someone on something - and I let it go out of fear.  I regret it because now everything is colored by that comment.  Now months have gone by  - I am still hurting, they have no idea to the extent and it's too late (or at least way more awkward than it would have been if I called them on it on the spot.
 

Best wishes.
98
As a DIL, I am wondering if you have tried speaking to your DIL instead of going through your son.  I am here for MIL issues and perhaps my situation is different.  I feel/am left out of the entire IL relationship - they talk to DH, call only his cellphone, thank him for gifts we (I) send.  I am only the blame person for things not communicated or done to their liking.  In writing this I am becoming aware that I am wanting them to do things that I am no longer willing to do... at one point I made an effort but I was never accepted, appreciated, or acknowledged so I quit.   I can't imagine my MIL actually having an interest in MY life.  I guess I can't blame them for feeling the same way and the chasm grows...

I am not fully aware of your situation but just thought that perhaps a daugher inlaw that no longer tries perspective could shed light. 
99
Thank you for your responses.  To answer several questions: my husband knows how I feel, he will point out the same annoying things his Mother does.  He is not a negative person but after being around them for long amounts of time, I see him change, slumped shoulders, not really talking, zoned out... maybe it's his childhood escape method.

Also, I do work as a teacher (not just home obsessing lol).  However, ILs were just here for 2 wks (school let out on a thur they arrived on a sunday) and we will be travelling to their area over the summer.  My husband & I live across country from our families but our families live only 1 hr from eachother.  Thus when you visit 1 you visit both.  My husband & I have been "discussing" how to split the time.  He insists I go with him to his parents.  I don't know if it is to act as his buffer or so they don't spread gossip about our marriage or what but I am not looking forward to it.  He will want to split the time 50-50, even though they were just here (that would be a wk with each family!)  I think I am going to just schedule things for us to do while keeping their town home base as in be there but not be there.

I can't thank you posters for their input - it helps to have people comment with what they see.  I printed a hard copy out to add to my collection of helpfulthoughts! Thank you thank you thank you.
100
I have been here reading multiple posts from MILs DILs - on every topic.  I am thinking my own MIL could be here posting about what a hateful DIL I am.  The thing is, my feelings are never a consideration or how her actions impact me/my family.  I feel I am stuck in a negative rut with her and I AM withdrawn because I am trying to protect myself from her barbs.  Does that make me an insecure DIL? Is MY negative energy creating this or just contributing?

For each stab I feel from MIL I could say she feels one back from me.  Some I can say are the ILs way of being it is just who they are (very negative people).  But their negativity seems to turn off when they talk to certain people.  Its just exhausting having them suck the life out of me. Complaining, negative, comparisons... it is their "norm".

I'm sure they could say make a list of the things I do/don't do that hurt them.  I do send the same pictures, cards, etc to them as I do my own parents.  I just talk to me parents who treat me as an adult.  I generally do not speak to my DHs side of the family.   I have tried calling MIL but all she does is brag about her daughters children or criticize the stepgrandkids/their parents.  Anything I do tell her is spread throughout the family.  Why do people we never talk to need to know our business?  When my DD was an infant she had a virus and failed to gain weight.  She ate but had diarrhea (looked like guacamole lol). It lasted 6wks & we were monitored by our pedi sometimes twice a wk.  It was scary.  We live with no family near us, 1st time parents.  Anyway, 1 of DH's aunts called and said: MIL said the baby has failure to thrive?  This is just one example of twisting words.  Should it have hurt so much? Probably not but we were scared, alone, and she embellished the story the garner attention for herself at our expense.  There have been times when MIL called me (as I think  everyone there new the story) and said: You know stepFILs sister's ex husband?  Me: No. Well he was in an accident blahblahblah.  Just needed fresh ears I guess.

I know I am score keeping and keeping a list of all their perceived misdeeds. Many of those misdeeds hurt me.  Like when she had a birthday party for our dd 6 wks before her bday after we said No and then didn't include any of my family to boot.  We said no for several reasons –we were flying & couldn't physically carry gifts back (not enough hands). Also we didn't want dd to associate seeing her family with getting stuff.  So she lied to us and invited everyone over as a surprise party.  We found out accidentally & told her we made plans for that night so have dinner out so she fessed up.  We should have followed through on it! SO there I got to be angry bitchy ungrateful DIL while she got what she wanted.  Was it nice of MIL to want to do that for our daughter, yes.  You know what MIL gave her – wooden blocks.  Then said Are these the kind you couldn't find?" Actually they weren't but I said yes, thank you. Then paid to ship stuff we didn't home (since we couldn't carry it). 

I know that I have to change my reaction but how does one do that when I am bombarded with incidents that just compound?  As you can see I cant write without going back into a vast collection of hurts, ignoring, meddling, criticizing tidbits... how do I stop this?

How do I shut these past slights out of my brain and stop future ones from happening?
101
Thank you for your warm welcome.  I know my earlier post was slightly disjointed but after a 2 wk visit I was/am a little off my game.

I am very interested in hearing from MILs because I am not sure I know if I am doing something that causes this.  I understand that in their family, many of the behaviors I refer to are the norm.  However, they are NOT for me.  My MIL compares all her children/stepchildren to eachother and cousins so I am not surprised that it is trickling down to the next generation.  However, I don't know what my reaction should be.  Currently I am getting angry, pressing my lips into a lip while biting off my tongue.  A blind man would see I was mad.  I have waited 6 yrs for my husabnd to say or do something but that is clearly not going to happen. When slights occur he is doesn't hear or says nothing.  He will point out that she has said/done later. 

Sometimes I am the angry daughter inlaw many of other posts refer to but I am not angry for no reason.  All other advise I have got is "its husbands family, he should handle his parents" but the thing is - he's not.  This is the role he's been conditioned to all his life.  No one in the extended family says anything - although everyone will say things like "that's how she is".  Well, maybe if someone had spoken up to her she wouldnt continue to act this way. 

I'm just not really sure how to proceed but I cant go on with this anger and frustration each time I see them (we live a great distance so it is usually for at least a week at a time). THank you for listening.
102
I have been married for six years and I am spinning my wheels as to how to get along with these people.  I know I have made mistakes and re-acted to hurts with errors but there has never been any big blow up.  All I can come up with is that we are completely different people, polar opposites perhaps, but I see me hurting my husband because of this dislike.  Perhaps I should be more specific:
We just hosted mother-in-law & her husband for 2 weeks - I thought I would go crazy.  Within 5 minutes of being in our new home they were criticizing it, the weather, everything.  They are always having something negative to say it lust sucks the life out of me!  They paid their flights here but nothing more the entire time.  I prepared dinner & breakfast - they would take day trips out (without inviting me or my daughter) have lunch & come home before my husband returned from work.  I felt like a B &B... this has happened numerous times in the past (in the past 5 years I would guess they have spent 20 wks with us - always same scenario). 
Their number one topic of conversation was my husband's sister kids.  They are good kids, we live "away" and did try to have relationships with them, send them things for their birthdays, Christmas, accomplishments.  Now we don't even have our gifts acknowledged.  Anyway, MIL will go on and on about how the sisters kids blahblahblah. Our daughter had her first dance recital while they were here & they sat behind me criticizing the format saying how much they like the other granddaughters stuff better - who does that?
The sister just sent us a happy anniversary email, it is the 2nd time we have received an email from her this year - the other was when she emailed info for pic ordering from her sons first communion (after the fact).
Father-in-law in a drunken late night conversation (while we were staying at his home) said I was making everyone uncomfortable since I didn't want my daughter exposed to their ways. (He had other company visiting at the same time they were reliving the "old days" for the 4 nights we were there.  Then the next day father-in-law not knowing I had heard him referred back to it with his girlffriend making me the butt of their joke.
I admit to some insecurities but I have never had problems getting along with others in the past.  All I get from these people is "blood relatives" stuff and comparisons and criticism and negativity.  I just don't know how to deal with them.  I feel like I now can recite every wrong that goes back to our wedding. I don't want to be this person. I know my anger & frustration hurts my husband but the more I try the more hurt I get.  It is as if I don't exist – but of course my daughter is "blood".  Some of it is feeling left out, hurt, ignored.
I just don't know what else to do. I can't seem to let it go.
sorry so long