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Lilly I actually had read your post in the son and daughter section before.  I don't know why my mil doesn't call.  Usually she calls and only speaks to my dh who has imo a strained relationship with his mom.  My Mil has said that my dh doesn't tell her anything and is just too general, uh-huhing the conversation.   Usually mil doesn't speak to me or our kids but when she does it is mainly about my sil and her kids.   The conversation is never about us or our kids, so it is somewhat odd and over time feels pointless for me.  I, too, feel the catch22.  Tell someone you never talk to personal information when there is no relationship but how can there be a relationship if we don't tell personal information... 

I will probably call her so as not to guilty.  It will annoy me that she'll tell all the family who will publically (fb) talk about how they love our dd so much all while not ever bothering to contact us or her ever.  The old actions speak louder than words...   Of course that would apply to me as well and I am no longer putting myself out there to them.  Around and around I go.

Jdtm:  thanks for cutting through the emotions of it to a bottom line question, I needed that.

Our child is having surgery tomorrow for a typical childhood problem.  Am I supposed to notify the inlaws?  My dh spoke to his mom on his birthday a couple weeks ago.  Other than that we haven't spoken to her since we took her on vacation with us.  No contact at all.  Dh has been talking to his dad about his, fileP, poor health condition. Mil and Fil are divorced. 

I am thinking that mil would be hurt if she didn't know so I should just do the right thing and call her.  But I find myself hesitating as to why she has had no contact with us at all.   if she had then she would no.  Then I am feeling guilty because I haven't telephoned her either and I can't expect her to do something I am not doing.  All my family knows because we talk to them and they to us.  My one sil from dhs side knows because we have a relationship and talk every 2-3 wks.  Am I trying to punish dhs too for their lack of relationship with us?  Not intentionally.  I have been struggling with my withdrawl from them recently.  Not an angry withdrawal, just a self preservation thin but wondering if this is an impediment to having a relationship.  In my heart I know that a relationship constitutes us calling them and hearing the family gossip, maybe or maybe not even asking about our kids.  However, any info I do tell them will get added to the family gossip/talk.  Then we'll get fb msgs about how they love our kid so much and hope she feels better love gramma /auntie/cousin....  Yes, all that from people we never talk to unless we initiate it or they need fresh ears for their news. 

I talk myself into and out of calling them... I know I am stressed about the procedure and don't know what to do.  Any advise?  Sorry this is all over the place.

Just wanted to thanks you all for your candor and honesty.  I feel as though I can lay claim to all of the sentiments you responded.  At times I feel I have overcome this but then will find myself back in the belly of the beast...   Glad to have somewhere I can reflect back on it, knowing its a process and about daily choices.  One step forward, two steps back sometimes. 

wow, sorry for the typos!  My sausage fingers are typing on my phone
Should say:
gist of it not just of it
Not sure instead of jot
slighted my mil not lol
Fil's gf not gr
yikes, I promise to proofread next time!

In another post shiny wrote about refusing to give brain space to someone when I am not even on their radar (at least that was the just of it).  That struck me as I AM doing this with the ILs and I need to stop but am jot sure how to get there.  I have actually considered wearing a rubber and around my wrist and snapping it whenever I begin to focus there, which is frankly more often than I want to admit.  I may not be outright obsessing about them but I feel caught up in the negativity of our situation, almost like a record player skipping again and again. I want to get to indifference and need a kick in that direction.  I still feel slighted by the lol but not directly angry, more annoyed.  The FIl and his gr I don't even think about.  The gsil has me spun up after distributing pictures of our kids she printed off my fb account to my dhs relatives.  I am being ugly to her in.my thoughts and don't like the person I am being.  But I haven't been able to leave it all behind.  Any suggestions?

I have so enjoyed the responses . I'm so glad the resort has free WiFi so I can pull this up to keep my head on straight.  Not going to give it much thought before I go.  Fangle, imagining my Mil doing those things made me lol, as she acts "old" not to insult any older people.
We don't travel until after school lets out for summer vacation so it'll be a bit before I can let you all know how it goes . Thanks so much for hearing me and bringing me back down 

I feel I have really been on a healing path lately with my mil.  I have been annoyed but not furious
In general, good.  Last week my husband and I decided on a family vacation to visit the mouse in fl.  He asks if I would like to invite my parents.  It would not be their type of thing to do, both work ft, one owns his own business, both provide elder care for their parent, nor would they want to shell out the $$.  My dh knows this.  Dh grew up visiting disney every other year, mil went with Gail numerous times with her kids.  so dh says since my parents don't want to go, maybe he will invite his mom she probably won't be able to anyway.  I speak my reservations, her health, ggc comparisons, costs.  He says it'll make her feel good to at least be asked.  He specifically told her it was so she could be with our kids and get to know them and that gsil wasn't invited (I was glad he said this since he felt it in his heart, and usually just takes it in)

They said yes.   THEY WILL BE THERE WITH US THE WHOLE TIME.  I am so full of dread... And just when I felt like I was moving forward.  Mil posted a pic of our kids from like a year and a half ago on fb why??  Now I worry abt what she'll b posting after this vacation... I feel like there will be people there critiquing us then gossiping to dh too how we spend xx or didn't make our 7 yr old go on x ride or whatever.

Pretty much I am spiralling out of control with fears, repeats of past occurrences, etc with the voyeurs into our lives... I need a shakeup, slap down, reality check something to get me to a peaceful place about this.   

What is tlit they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions?  Help me ladies!!

Thanks Monroe  . I haven't reached out but I think I have FINALLY let go of the anger, hurt, and expectations...  I can't change them.  Several close friends who are aware of my duration have even commented on the difference I. Me, the absence of fury, lol.  Who knows what the future holds, baby steps, right?! 

I am a DIL who has never got along with my DHs family.  I was feeling that I had finally come to accept the situation, no longer trying to change it or getting angry about the disparities.  I have been trying to find a possible connection back to my DHs family, for our children and to rectify my past mistakes, to let it go. 
After reading this I am not sure if it is worth trying to proceed... a lot of very good thoughts written here.  Just wondering if there is ever a point to try and connect or if its just better to maintain the status quo.  I realize that our situations arent exactly the same...  it just sucks if this is all there will ever be.     

there is a feature on here that allows me to go back and re-read my older posts... sadly in dec 2011 I was in the same place as here.. same sadness, points, everything...  what a waste.  I have to let this go.

I am unsure how to stop my descent down the slippery slope into angry with my DH FOO.  My husband recently told me he thinks I am holding a grudge against his family. And according to merriam-webster, I am.  I just cant seem to put myself or my children out there to be potentially hurt (me hurt again, them to be secondbest).  I go through motions of being nice (like sending MIL photos of our kids) but then am annoyed that she emails these things onto GSIL and her entire social group.  We have no relationship with some of these people... so why would we want them to know the intimate details of our lives?  And yet I am the bad person for not doing it or being bothered by it?  Recently MILs sister came to our area and felt free to txt pics of our kids to SIL and MIL... is this her right?  To me a relationship is a 2 way street,  a give and take between people.  We (DH included) do not talk to SIL(not meanly just no relationship) but MIL endlesssly talks about SILs kids (If my daughter 6 likes to color, so does SILs son 11, if ours just got home from dance, SILs daughter, 15 is helping teach dance) Every topic to the Nth degree is a platform for SILs family.  The conversation with us is endlessly about SILs kids accomplishments.... sometimes she doesnt even ask about our kids we're jsut fresh ears for a story about SILs kids.   Its like any tidbit I try to share becomes a lauching point for SILs kids lives.  When I have put our daughter on the phone with MIL she will talk to HER about SILs kids...  is this the basis for a relationship between MIL and our DD, her cousin's?  MIL is a great gma to those kids but I cant imagine the conversation with SILs kids is about ours constantly.     

My DH says just to get over it and stop thinking about it - I wish I could, I am stuck.  I feel like I want his acknowlegement that he could understand why I am feeling this way.  Am I being spiteful because they don't like me?  I know this but I do feel like I try to make an effort, only to give an inch and they take a mile...  at least we don't live nearby.  I try to tell my self they are doing nothing to intentionally hurt my kids so I should just let it go.... and yet here I am 

Wanted to get outside opinion of fair visitation. 

We live away from both FOOs and will be travelling across country to see them shortly.  DH & I can't seem to agree so we end up going back & forth btwn his familys & mine.  For the 2 wks we will visiting, we will be at his familys for 5 days and my familys for 8.  The reason for the difference is that his just parents visited our home staying for 2 weeks. 

IS THIS FAIR?  Will is be perceived as unfair?  Suggestions appreciated.   

QuoteMy take: Of course you will be setting yourself up! You are going to be breaking a pattern of long standing. Your feelings of guilt are something they are unfamiliar with and to move on you will probably have to let them go. Your ILs aren't losing any sleep over how comfortable or happy you are. You are probably pretty invisible. I wonder how many people on their "annual circuit" are glad to see them arrive? They are only getting away with it because they bully others instead of consulting them. When we are used, we can't blame the users. Some place along the way we accepted their every-so-subtle abuse and it became the standard

Luise - Bullseye! I KNOW all of what you said is 100% accurate.   I am thinking how do I stop it- in my brain I think it's as easy as just telling them.  I also know that there would be negative feelings from my DH & his extended family so I continue to throw myself infront of the bus & complain that I am hurt... hmmm...   

thanks for responding.  We did not invite them persay, MIL told DH they were "thinking about coming down" and then at Christmas MIL asked me if "BoB" told me they were coming...  Each winter they take a southern "vacation" staying with a variety of friends/distant relatives culminating with our home. Since we are their last stop (and full service) they are wiped out physically and financially.  They insist on driving here so they have their car but since it takes them 3 days to get here and 3 days to get back they need to make their stay "worth it".  In the past we purchased them airline tickets, in effort to control how long they stayed.  They just complained about the flights not having their car (although they used mine). 

Louise, I love the relationship you have with your son- wish my MIL & DH were the same!  I value my privacy and don't like people I don't have a relationship with knowing my personal business. This is the opposite of my DHs family who all know all about everyone. 

Pen,Pam & Trying: I don't know how to curtail the visit.  I guess I am offering myself up instead.  Generally, they do not give a date of departure but when I pressed my husband to find out if they would be here for Easter the answer was yes.  That's 2 wks.  Good pt about not revolving our life around their visit - I know I will set myself up for disappointment in doing so since they usually don't actually spend that much time interacting with us.

Justus: I know you are 100% correct - I already mentioned to DH about being the sacrificial lamb & he will joke about it 'til no end.  The difference being I think my DH knows EXACTLY what he's doing. I never considered that he is ducking a responsibility towards me... interesting thought.

I am already arranging lunch dates with friends & making plans specifically during these times. However, I find myself feeling guilty because I will be taking my littlest with me - not leaving her home with them - while older is in school.  This has been a recurrent problem in our house & marriage and I am done wasting my consideration on people to do not appreciate it or reciprocate it. Is this attitude setting me up to be the bad guy?  I don't want to be mean to them just not invest myself, kwim?  Would this be a worthwhile coping strategy?   

I am turning a sour attitude towards my ILs upcoming visit.  We surprised them with an after Christmas visit which went very well (from my point of view).  There was no pressure to suit GSIL, we visited, they paid attention to our kids, it was relaxed for 3 days & we were out of there.  Although MIL has spoken to my DH (her DS) she has not spoken to me or our kids since.  Last light (3 wks from their arrival date) when DH calls MIL she asks to speak to DD. After DD talks she gives the phone to me & MIL speaks about the weather.  OK, polite conversation, noncontroversial.  She did ask about the baby but when I mentioned things about baby I already heard her twisting the words (dd is thin but growing well, Dr not concerned MIL already talking about how "tiny" she is in worried tone).

During the upcoming 2 wks visit, DH will be at wk, one DD will be at school & other DD doesn't yet speak... I am feeling uncomfortable with how this will proceed.  I asked my DH to take time off while they are here.  He said he'll think about it.  There is some rift btwn DH & MIL that has always been an underlying current.  I tell him he uses me as a buffer which he sort-of denies. 

I am starting the slide into panic mode about this visit where generally I feel like the hostess in a b & b.  I will do all my regular routines with my kids they will rise late, go out for lunch never including me, visit every dollar tree in town, lay down to rest just before dd arrives home, will get up just as dinner is being completed & then act like super grandparents for the 1 hr my DH is home while the kids are up.    I build resentment.  I know I can do this for 3 days but 2 wks - culminating with Easter. Really feeling negative, like this visit will be like every other over the past 7yrs...  I know about not having expectations but I already feel myself putting on the old record.  I am trying to think about that nice 3 day visit... I think some of the success of that was due to the limited time.

Help - any way to talk myself down?