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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Miss Understood on September 17, 2010, 08:10:12 PM

Title: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 17, 2010, 08:10:12 PM
Well, had dinner with my family tonight and was looking at pics on my mom's camera and there were pics of DS, DIL and GD from July. For 3 months they let me believe that my DS and DIL ousted the whole family...they watched me cry, worry and be beside myself. Never did they ever admit or tell me that he had made contact with them. I asked them several times and even tonight when I saw the pics, My mom lied and said her camera date was wrong and then my dad admitted that he talked to him and my DS said he wanted to talk to me but wanted to on his terms when I would not yell at him....This from a boy/man who screamed obsenities at his mother for 41 minutes as she apologized for something ridiculous. If I had only known that my DS had been talking to my parents, It would have changed my life. I wasted 3 months of my life in total dispair and thought that this whole thing brought my relationship with my parents to a much stronger place... I must have said I was sorry to my parents for hurting them ever at least 2000 times...then they lie and watch me suffer and then lie again.
I am beside myself tonight for sure....how do you even comprehend this one?
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 17, 2010, 08:18:11 PM
Miss Understood, why do you think your mom and dad would do this to you? I don't understand.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 17, 2010, 08:23:12 PM
You step back and focus elsewhere so it will become smaller not bigger. You don't feel sorry for yourself and you don't try to understand. You step back. You have a life that is non-biological. You are a person and a pianist. for starters. Sending love...
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 17, 2010, 08:54:17 PM
At first I was so smacked beside the head....now...after my dad called me and I thought he was going to apologize to me and he didn't, but made all sorts of excuses why they "didn't" lie, but "omitted" because how they thought I would get mad at them for seeing my son and just because I don't have a good relationship with him, why shouldn't they have one.....Isn't this like more reinforcement to my son that he doesn't and shouldn't respect his mother when her own parents don't even show her respect.

I swear....I am a good person, a terrific mother and a not so perfect daughter, but I always apologize and try to right the wrong and since this happened with my son...I have said I am sorry for any wrong doing to my folks atleast 2000 times and asked them to forgive me. They saw me suffer....they saw me and watched me suffer knowing that he didn't oust the WHOLE family...and was just giving me the silent treatment for a while. They encouraged him, I am sure....they were silent treatment givers. OMG....what world is this I am living in?

I had a feeling and I mentioned it a few days ago to my mom and I asked her if they had heard from him and my mom said no....I told my husband and another dear friend of my suspicions and it was weird how the pictures on the camera had the date and when I said something my mom lied about that and said her camera date thing is broken....I then looked at my dad and said, "PLEASE" They all stood there and watched the hurt and then justify why they did it and my reaction...they are worried about my reaction???? They should have thought about my reaction 3 months ago....It is all mute...To them, It is my fault, they have an excuse and then, "well, he is alive and you should be grateful" Like when I had breast cancer and had a double mastectomy..."you should be happy you are alive and not worry about not having breasts"

AM I SO WRONG for thinking this is demented????
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 17, 2010, 08:59:00 PM
BTW...Thanks for letting me vent....I really need to get this out. I have never been so mad in my whole life!!!!
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 17, 2010, 09:22:01 PM
I am so sorry,  Miss U.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 17, 2010, 10:57:35 PM
No you aren't wrong. Who in the world would like that scenario? Now, wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug from all of us.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Pen on September 17, 2010, 11:08:56 PM
Miss U, I'm glad you're able to share this stuff in a safe place. Not to excuse anyone's DIL or DS, but I agree that the problems can go way deeper than the two of them. I'm sorry you're going through this; I know how it feels to be betrayed by my FOO. Not fun.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Nana on September 18, 2010, 12:00:47 AM
Miss Understood:

It is good you are venting because at times it is the only thing that can makes us feel better.  I would feel the same way you are feeling.  Dont know what to say.....how could they look you in the eye and lie?  Dont Understand.  We as parents teach our children about honesty and our children have all the right to expect the same from us.   

You need time to adjust to this new situation.   The more you think about it, the more you will exarberate your wound.   You need time for yourself without your parents around for some time and then... only God knows.  I hope you will be able to forgive them because they hurt you even if they did not mean to, and also because they are your parents and you dont need more problems now.  Of course they were afraid of your reaction if they told you because they let time pass without informing you.  If I had been your mother I would have told you since the beginning letting you know I would still have contact with grandson.  It would have hurt probably but not to this extent.

I will have you in my prayers. 
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 18, 2010, 12:21:01 AM
Nana - I love your posts! They are wise and comforting at the same time. This sentence touched me: "The more you think about it, the more you will exacerbate your wound." Your are such an advocate of kindness.  :)
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 18, 2010, 04:49:57 AM
You know the really sad thing about all this....I was worried so much about how my DS was treating my parents too. How many posts did I put on here that my mom was dying and my DS was giving them the silent treatment too. I not only expelled my energy for my sadness, but the sadness for them and the rest of the family. I now have to face the fact that my relationship with all my family is so damaged beyond repair and now I have to look at my DS as part of the problem of making this into a nightmare...he isn't that sweet little baby I was missing anymore. I'm o.k....just gonna have to change how I am feeling about me...who ever I am :-[
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: 1Glitterati on September 18, 2010, 06:19:03 AM
I know from experience you can't dictate to people who they can and can't have a relationship.  You can't force other people not to see someone just because you don't.

We gave dh's parents an ultimatum and they didn't choose us.  It took that person doing the exact same thing to them that he did to us in order for them to see it.

The il's are back in our lives...but it'll never be the same again.  I don't trust them 100% any more.  You may find it's the same with your parents.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 18, 2010, 06:27:55 AM
Glitterati: I didn't dicate to them to NOT see my son. If you read any of my previous posts...I felt bad that the silent treatment thing had trickled to the whole family and I had hoped my DS would make contact with my parents because my mom is very ill and I had felt bad that they got drug into it. They misled me and lied for 3 months not letting me know they were in contact with my son and after seeing me so distraught and asking them frequently if they had heard from him....they never said a word. My life would have been so different and my DH and DD's would have been grateful too...we were all in a state of confusion for 3 of the longest, hurtful months. We all had unimaginable thoughts...for nothing!
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 18, 2010, 09:02:27 AM
Beyond what "would have been different if"...is how it is. Other people to things that make sense to them, always. Beyond that we have to adjust and so what makes sense to us. You know who you are beyond a daughter and a mother. You are a lovely being who has a wonderful mate, many talents and the ability to value yourself highly. Don't ask others to determine your worth...look in the mirror and see the beautiful Soul that looks back. That's who you are. In many ways what others do and think is none of our business. We don't need to know what or even why. Their paths will take them wherever they do...your path is what you are about. Yes, a daughter and a mother, certainly, but that's not all. You are more...not less. Let the drama go and support your mom the best you can at the end of her life and support your son's decision to go it alone. That's the way to heal and support your self. They have the right to make choices, that's true but so do you. When I hit something immovable...I write gratitude lists morning and evening until I get back into balance. Otherwise all I can see is what appears to be out of balance. Sending love...
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 18, 2010, 09:09:54 AM
I am bringing this post from KG to you from another thread...it is so heartening:

"If anyone wants to be included in my life, they will have to pass the audition, (I hold them every week) because I know that I will suffer the consequences (pun intended) if they wish to have their agenda of hostility or any other negative emotion take pride of place over my agenda of generosity of spirit, laughing and making others laugh all the way.  No exceptions for noboooooody. "  ;D
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 18, 2010, 01:40:04 PM
Thank you Luise and everyone else. I actually feel better that I can breath for the first time in 3 months. I always had this thing that all truth usually comes out...again it did....and All things shall soon pass...SO, I am going to give this issue a rest for a few days. I need the break. Thanks for the support and allowing me to vent.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 18, 2010, 03:08:43 PM
If it feels good...give it a rest for a few week! And come in and comfort others in the meantime...your consul is great. Sending love...
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: belweav on September 18, 2010, 10:36:29 PM
Mis Understood,

Hang in there. It's nice to have a safe place to come to vent....
Luise.volta I love the audition. I think everyone should have to try out for a place in everyone's life.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: cadagi101 on September 19, 2010, 02:50:38 AM
you will get on top of this, I feel very sorry you suffered the trauma of not knowing where your son was and to make matters worse (if it can get any worse) your dp's lied to you.. it is beyond comprehension..what;s done is done so look at each day as a new beginning,  I can only imagine just a little bit how distressing this is for you.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: cremebrulee on September 19, 2010, 07:11:20 AM
I'm thinking they lied for two reasons...
1.  They feared hurting you
2.  They feared you would get angry if they told you he was interacting with them?

I just think if we look at why people do things, it helps us rid the anger, and understand them better, and the situation. 

They did you wrong...no doubt about it, no one should lie...

Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 19, 2010, 11:19:20 AM
Hi Creme, I don't know why they held that from me. Their reasoning was they didn't want to tell me for it would make me mad my DS went to them, they didn't think I should have to know and that was the only time he came over, so why tell me. These are the three things they mentioned. Regardless...It doesn't matter the reason. It would have helped to know my DS had seen them and all the times I spoke to them and confided with them how I was feeling and what was going on and cried to them about my broken heart...they could have just let me know. It would have eased my pain a little.
My parents informed me today that they no longer want me in their lives. To think...How I was so worried about my DS and him not contacting them and worried about how my parents felt and how sad I was that what my DS and DIL were doing and then I get lied to...I say I am hurt and I get the axe. I told my DH that this toxic surroundings in my life are killing me today. I need to change that. I realized that I can love who ever I want, but I cannot make people love me. I can't make people do anything. I am so tired of trying to fix everything. I am just plain tired.
I know I had mentioned in past posts that my parents were silent treatment givers...I have suffered this many times in my life. My siblings also do the same thing. I seem to be the one who reaches out all the time to make ammends and resolve...Maybe that is where my stupidity comes from. Maybe I should just shut the window from the storm. I just wanted to have a peaceful relationship with my mom before she died...I needed that for me. Now our family is in tourmoil and they blame me. "I made them lie to me that got me upset which ruined everything...."
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 19, 2010, 12:07:35 PM
You never "make" anyone do anything. It is their choice and blaming you is a denial of responsibility. Sending love...
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Pen on September 19, 2010, 12:14:13 PM
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 17, 2010, 08:54:17 PM
...after my dad called me and I thought he was going to apologize to me and he didn't, but made all sorts of excuses why they "didn't" lie, but "omitted" because how they thought I would get mad at them for seeing my son and just because I don't have a good relationship with him, why shouldn't they have one.....Isn't this like more reinforcement to my son that he doesn't and shouldn't respect his mother when her own parents don't even show her respect. ..My parents informed me today that they no longer want me in their lives. ..."I made them lie to me that got me upset which ruined everything...."

Miss Understood, what you're going through is horrendous. IMHO, sometimes when people want to be "the favorite," as it seems your DPs currently are with your DS & DIL, they lose all sense of the big picture. Ultimately someone must be hung out to dry and that's you for now. If that's been your ongoing role in family dynamics it isn't really a shocker, but it hurts all the same. I'm a big ol' grown up, and at times I still expect? yearn? dream? that my DF & his wife will stick up for me, support me, & not hurt me.

It's the story of the frog and the scorpion. Do you know that one? The punch line is, "But it's my nature to sting you." Or something like that.

Best wishes. We're here for you. Small comfort perhaps, but here we are all the same  :'(

PS: Yes, Luise, I agree - you, MU, didn't "make them" do anything! They chose (or perhaps it's just their nature?)
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 19, 2010, 01:48:36 PM
Thank you all! This is difficult for me because I know my mom's life is near it's end and I wanted to have peace between us. The family drama is a regular to us. This is nothing new, though it usually is "my fault" nmot really, but they always blame me...it's easier. I need to remove myself from this...it hurts so badly and I feel my sanity slipping away. Thanks for all your support and comfort ladies. Really appreciate this.
My mom used to say, "you can pick your nose, but you cannot pick your relatives"
True...and as hard as I WANT peaceful family relationships, they may not be attainable.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 19, 2010, 02:03:27 PM
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 19, 2010, 01:48:36 PM
Thank you all! This is difficult for me because I know my mom's life is near it's end and I wanted to have peace between us. The family drama is a regular to us. This is nothing new, though it usually is "my fault" nmot really, but they always blame me...it's easier. I need to remove myself from this...it hurts so badly and I feel my sanity slipping away. Thanks for all your support and comfort ladies. Really appreciate this.
My mom used to say, "you can pick your nose, but you cannot pick your relatives"
True...and as hard as I WANT peaceful family relationships, they may not be attainable.

Miss U.....the one thing I do know, which is not much is that when you FEEL like your sanity is slipping away, it won't.  It's those who don't think their sanity is slipping away who lose it.  Chin up!
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 19, 2010, 02:48:17 PM
And every family has their scapegoat.     "Speaking..."
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 19, 2010, 02:55:58 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on September 19, 2010, 02:48:17 PM
And every family has their scapegoat.     "Speaking..."


Family scapegoat speaking here!  Ditto!  How many FSG's are there out there?   8)
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 19, 2010, 03:00:26 PM
And to add to that ?? Why is that? I would never do that to any of my kids. Then people in the family wonder why there is family turmoil or jealousness or that nobody wants to get together for holidays!
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 19, 2010, 03:04:32 PM
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 19, 2010, 03:00:26 PM
And to add to that ?? Why is that? I would never do that to any of my kids. Then people in the family wonder why there is family turmoil or jealousness or that nobody wants to get together for holidays!

You know?  If we could only get rid of people, we'd be good.  Okay, here goes, only keep the people I like and are sweet to me. 

Why do they do that?  It's their only way of keeping control of their miserable lives, that's why.  I can think of a million other ways to do it myself but nooooo, they have to have scape goats.   
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 19, 2010, 03:06:51 PM
We have a new abbreviation: FSG! Mine are all gone. When people last as long as I have (83) they can outlive their tormentors!   :o
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 19, 2010, 03:08:23 PM
My Oldest DD told me today that I am because I am the only logical one and when logic meets dysfunction...it scares them to look at themselves and they can't face thre truth...so shoot the messenger
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 19, 2010, 03:10:03 PM
Welcome to: www.ScapeGoatsUnite.com!  8)
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 19, 2010, 03:11:27 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on September 19, 2010, 03:06:51 PM
We have a new abbreviation: FSG! Mine are all gone. When people last as long as I have (83) they can outlive their tormentors!   :o

AHA!!!  Something to aspire to!!! YAY!  >:(   A Former Scape Goater!  I vow to outlive them!  They'll be sorry then!  8)

But if I outlive them, they will all be dead.  Hello?  How are they going to be sorry?  :'(
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 19, 2010, 03:19:30 PM
 You are cluttering this up with logic!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 19, 2010, 03:25:38 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on September 19, 2010, 03:19:30 PM
You are cluttering this up with logic!  ;D ;D ;D

Oh yes, I'm ruining it; they will be dead but I digress....onward!   I vow to outlive them!  8)   Skunks, punks, Beatniks. I could go on but apparently I can't think of anything else to say!  It's a frightful place to be for a ScapeGoatee.  :(
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Pen on September 19, 2010, 05:35:10 PM
This thread is very interesting....I wonder if "they" (the scaper) can sense it on "us" (the scapegoats) somehow? I just read an interesting article about oxytocin being produced in larger amounts by compassionate people. Also, sociopaths and other uncompassionate types may produce adequate amounts of oxytocin but their receptors are missing or broken and don't recognize it. I'll try to find the article if anyone is interested.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 20, 2010, 05:19:51 AM
Pen...I would love to read that article. Funny thing...I am the only one in my family that goes to therapy, reads books on communication and is the first to apologize, forgive and try to make ammends. I do it for me because my view of family is strong. I grew up with hearing, "blood is thicker than water." "without family, you have nothing." And "Forgive others so your sins may forgiven"
My poor DH woke up this morning to go to work, kissed me and said, "Honey...I love you...you are not wrong and you are always the one that tries to do the right thing. Take a deep breath today and believe in yourself and stop letting all this toxic behavior cloud your good senses."
That is what I am going to stand on today...as sad as I feel...this is not unusual to be kicked out of my family and get the silent treatment from them when they don't get their way or when they do something wrong and want to justify it by putting blame elsewhere, trying to convince others of their righteousness and superiority...It just seems to be always me that gets thrown to the dogs. I am tired and worn out. I don't want to make logic with the unlogical anymore. Just 6 months ago, my mom had a melt down and told me she hated me. It took a lot of forgiveness and trying to understand how she would ever say something to me...her daughter. I feel so foolish and so unloved right now.
Sorry ladies...I said I was going to be strong....but I am so hurt, the tears just started to pour  :'(
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Sunny1 on September 20, 2010, 05:52:59 AM
Miss U, what a wonderful and encouraging husband you have. What a blessing it must be to wake up to a kiss and such kind words.

In the midst of your ongoing cycle of silent treatment from family members it is good that at least you have seen the pattern and do not take part in such immature behavior.  Its a shame that your son learned it from his grandmother. But take heart in the man who comes home to you everyday.

You can't change others, but look around you...I have a feeling you are truly blessed.. :)

(((hugs)))
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 20, 2010, 06:33:50 AM
Thank you Sunny. I am blessed. Sad thing is I most likely validated this awful behavior my whole life...I kept going back and WANTED a relationship. Each time I begged, begged them to forgive me even if I did nothing wrong and everytime I lost my self worth. FSG! That's me!
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: miss_priss on September 20, 2010, 06:34:13 AM
Miss U - I have said this before, but I will say it again.  Blood may be thicker than water, but using the "family tie" to excuse awful behavior is nonsense.  No one has the right to treat people badly, that that includes family.  Why are you continuing to allow yourself to be their punching bag? 

You don't have to hit back, but you CAN pull yourself out of this awful situation...now, if you just WILL! 
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 20, 2010, 07:24:13 AM
It's not that I am allowing me to be their punching bag...it just happens. I was so blind sided the other night. It was a very nice night, all things were good and then when I saw the pictures on my mom's camera and she lied to me and it was like I was ambushed. Even when I excused myself from the situation and tried to leave...my brother ambushed me in the parking lot. Regardless, it doesn't matter...to them I am wrong for how I reacted (they said I went balistic...which I DID NOT) I am tired of everyone making horrible excuses for their horrible behavior and it all falling on my shoulders. I have carried this my whole life and it really isn't that I allow it...it just happens. I am sure there is someone else out there that understands what I am saying. It's beyond comprehension when you are told your entire life how wrong you are and how you ruin everything. It's unfathomable.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Pen on September 20, 2010, 08:17:39 AM
We are hard-wired to crave the protection and love of a family...long ago our survival depended on it. For those of us who didn't experience a supportive, loving FOO it's a difficult thing to quit trying and walk away. Even children of abuse are drawn back to their FsOO. We're like Charlie Brown and the football.

I think that's also what makes a "cut from the herd" DIL such a threat; we finally created a loving family and experienced some of that unconditional support, and then SHE came along.

It was devasting to me to realize that not only did I not have a FOO anymore (dad long ago married stepmom and morphed into her family; his stepchildren/stepgrandchildren are golden, we are poo) I now no longer had my own family since DS has been engulfed into DIL's FOO. I'm too old to have more kids, LOL. On a very primal level I worry about my family's 'survival.'

It always cracks me up when I notice knuckle-dragger tendencies in my oh so sophisticated and modern self  ;)
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 20, 2010, 08:28:30 AM
Quote from: Pen on September 20, 2010, 08:17:39 AM
We are hard-wired to crave the protection and love of a family...long ago our survival depended on it. For those of us who didn't experience a supportive, loving FOO it's a difficult thing to quit trying and walk away. Even children of abuse are drawn back to their FsOO. We're like Charlie Brown and the football.

I think that's also what makes a "cut from the herd" DIL such a threat; we finally created a loving family and experienced some of that unconditional support, and then SHE came along.

It was devasting to me to realize that not only did I not have a FOO anymore (dad long ago married stepmom and morphed into her family; his stepchildren/stepgrandchildren are golden, we are poo) I now no longer had my own family since DS has been engulfed into DIL's FOO. I'm too old to have more kids, LOL. On a very primal level I worry about my family's 'survival.'

It always cracks me up when I notice knuckle-dragger tendencies in my oh so sophisticated and modern self  ;)

Oh Pen! I so can relate!  :'(
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 20, 2010, 08:40:49 AM
Pen....so true about the worry of family survival. I was thinking the other day how nice it would be to have a family reunion...only because I know someone who just came back from one. Bad thing is...when my husband and I started wondering who would come, he said, "It's just like everyday dinner at the house." He made me laugh...my family is getting smaller and smaller. I grew up in a large family...but my parents dysfunction chased away all the aunts, uncles and cousins and we haven't seen them since childhood and then everytime we have some sort of family gathering...it ends in some brawl or hurt feelings or drama, so no one wants to do it anymore. I was told yesterday, right before my dad say I was out of thier lives (again)...thanks for ruining another holiday. I pondered all night thinking, "did it ever cross your mind that if you didn't lie to me and lie when you got exposed/caught...none of this drama would be happening?" But, NO.....it's easy to blame the Scapegoat.
Maybe I should change my name from Miss Understood to Miss Scapegoat, Miss 2blame, Missed the boat!
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Sunny1 on September 20, 2010, 09:02:38 AM
There's nothing wrong with wanting the support of your family. I used to wonder why my family never had reunions or large get-togethers as I was growing up, but it didn't take long for me to realize that it's just not something my family 'does'. We're all supportive of one another but for various reasons we just don't have one of those tight knit extended families.

Knowing my husband for as long as I had it was different in his family.  They always have large extended family gatherings,  and I loved that...but what I didn't know until later, was that it wasn't picture perfect either and his family all live on the motto that "family is everything "....guess who's the outsider and the new official FSG..(catchy term, I'll have to learn to embrace it somehow.)  ;)

So, I'm right there with you Miss U. Thank goodness for this website and hubbys' with the instinct to give you early morning kisses of encouragement.

Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Pooh on September 20, 2010, 11:13:06 AM
Ha ha ha....FSG Unite!  Love it!  :D

You know MU, I think you said it all while you were venting.  I think you hit on a major thing with all of us!  My light bulb went off reading these posts! 

We are the people that are always trying to be understanding.  We are the ones that offer unconditional support!  We are the ones that will apologize for things that we don't truly know what we are apologizing for.  We are the ones that love them, remain open to them, and are always willing to take them back, no matter what.

Do we think it's possible that they treat us the way they do, because they know, deep down, no matter how they treat us....that we will always be there and love them?   While the people they rally around are the ones that would not, so they try harder to keep them happy?

Arrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 20, 2010, 11:37:36 AM
HA HA HA HA HA!!! YES!! Pooh, YESSSSS!!  FGS's of the world who are always apologizing for nothing, reaching out to someone even when they have been as cruel to us--- as cruel as can be and trying to see "their side of it", yes, that's us.  It ain't funny, is it?  Without humor, though, I wonder if we'd survive a single second? 

If not for my God given gift of turning everything around to humor, I doubt I'd be alive today.  I never one time had even a cross word with my DIL or ever spoke to him about her in any way except to tell him I loved her.  One time I said, "son, I love (his wife) as much a I love you!"  He said, "thanks, Mom" in kind of a not so happy way.  Don't know what that was about.

I have devoted my life to her, her kids and oddly enough to her FOO. (Not all of my life but since they were married)   She can be a cruel woman, a selfish and cold one.  Note when we moved her out of her apartment in college (my husband, son and other DIL and son) and she never turned a hand. Not one.

She can also be a kind woman, it's according to what she's wanting from them/you at the moment.  She lied to me with my son there last summer. Her husband knows she lied. She knows she lied but I have duct tape on my mouth and am not allowed to speak about it and wouldn't anyway.  My other son was the one she lied about.  You talk about being caught in the middle, I am! 

FGS's! Let's have a convention!  A rah rah session.  Let's have positive notes we keep around the house to reinforce our soon to be kicked out  FSGness.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 20, 2010, 12:33:36 PM
O.k....Pooh and Barley there....You both are right. I think there is a fine line between scapegoatism and martyrism. I just had a conversation with my DD who also got the wrath from my dad...because she stuck up for herself and made her voice known. Your poor Grandparents and what she didn't and does not do enough of and what she does wrong...same as me, less the hatred dynamics. EVERY one does them wrong....oh, woe is me....though....I am not allowed to feel anything if it creates a shadow on them, shame on me or whoever doesn't bow down to the them, even if they lie and hurt. My DIL too, has the same tendensies...I can see it...though she is passive and quieter, she decides what she wants and if you don't give it to her you might as well be on her OUT list! I thought I had the label on my forhead.
Has any Scapegoat ever stood up for themselves and said "NO"? It's worse than saying o.k. The reprocussions for the standing up just tells them we are crazy in their eyes. How dare you say no? How dare you have a feeling or want to voice your opinion? When you do say what is on your mind and it probably is the right thing...they push you to an argument or an altercation of some sort because we long to be heard...we are such peacemakers that most of the time when we are pushed it is such a large push it is almost unreal.
For me....I'm tired.
I must say I feel as though I am living someone elses life today. There is a sense of calmness or I had a stroke and I just don't feel anymore!
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Nana on September 20, 2010, 10:09:52 PM
Dear Miss U"

I cant believe you are now being given the silent treatment.  How convenient (my hubby would say).  You will not lose your sanity because we (women) are very strong and are only given what we can take.  Your reacting to a dishonest act from your parents is only normal.  It was a shock! Never expected that, took you out of base.    Forgive your parents (they dont know what they are doing) but move on.  You dont have to apologize for anything.   When I was a newlywed and I had an argument with hubby, I would at the end apologize just for the sake of keeping peace (even when I was sure it wasnt my fault).   My husband would accept the apology and hug me.  I hated that and my tears pouring out.    Doing these only strikes at our self-esteem. 

You are a very luck person because you have your husband that cheers you up.  You are not alone.  Stick to those who love you and nourish your soul.

May God Bless You.


Luise....thanks for your kind words.  You always make us feel special. 


Hugs
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Pen on September 20, 2010, 11:15:58 PM
Nana, my DH would agree. Miss U, thinking of you.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 21, 2010, 03:17:55 AM
Good Morning Ladies. I so appreicate all your help and for telling me to keep my chin up. I am really struggling with this one. I am trying to keep my logical head on my shoulders and don't want to analyze this to death, but talking about things that I FINALLY recognize is an eye opener to me and I hope it can help someone else by sharing my story with you.
I have gone through this type of "thing" yearly since I was in my early 20's with my family...so it isn't anything new. Never the less, it hurts more and more each time it happens. I believe that my "tape" of my self image that they created for me begins to play and I start to feel bad about me and somwhow go into that mode of the apologizer, the coward, the one who bends over backwards to plead for a relationship and then look like a total idiot because in the end...I am the one who deserves the apology, I was the one who was disrespected, I was the one who when excused from the table to leave before I did say and do something I would regret was ambushed in the parking lot and I am the one who again, apologized and tried to resolve and got kicked in the face with hurtful words, more lies and then a whopping, "YOU'RE OUT". Again...3 days later I am still searching my heart for a way to resolve and fix this mess...this unfixable mess. Why on earth do I do that. Why do I welcome and allow the abuse to me, to my soul? This is a topic for all of us? Our stories may be different, but we all must do it or we wouldn't be here trying to find some sort of peace or hope that some solution may become evident! I'm an enabler and in turn it broke me...which broke my heart, my spirit and the way I feel about me...it has absorbed the joy in my life and created a black cloud to loom over and happiness because I have a hard time turning the volume down on the tape that is playing, "YOU DON'T MATTER" but....I do matter, I know I don't deserve this and I need to stop the insanity!
Any thoughts on this? This can't be a way to live...it is horrible to go to bed with anxiety and wake up with anxiety and be sandwiched all day with waves of guilt for WHAT?
Sorry for throwing this out there and I hope I don't hit a raw nerve with anyone. Just trying to grow...me...I want to stop terying to fix the dysfunction and am tired of being blamed for the dysfunction.
Thanks for all your support and again for letting me vent. I am trying to take away some of this from DH, he has had enough...very supportive but I know he has had enough!
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Pooh on September 21, 2010, 06:34:51 AM
MU I think we all have to arrive at "the" place in our lives where we say, "I have given it my all.  I have done everything I can do.  I am at peace with myself in my efforts and it is time to go on with my life."

We are only given one life to live, and it is up to US to live it.  We can not give that power over to someone else.  At the end of the day it comes down to, we are responsible for our happiness, not someone else.  Just think if we took all the energy we have expelled on trying to fix the "unfixable" and gave ourselves permission to use that energy on something we enjoyed? 
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 21, 2010, 10:32:50 AM
Amen Pooh! You DO deserve the best. MU, and only you can give it to you. Anguishing over the whys and wherefores of others not giving it to you is a dead end road. And it's also exhausting. Sending love...
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 21, 2010, 10:52:17 AM
It is exhausting and I think that is why my eyes finally popped open. I am tired of being tired.
Thanks for allowing me to vent. When it comes out and I read it again as a third party...I realize how stupid it sounds. I like the fact that I have someplace to come where I can get out my stupid and not be crucified over it. Again...thankyou for letting me vent. I am actually having a terrific day! :)
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Pooh on September 21, 2010, 10:58:32 AM
(((Happy Dance.....Happy Dance)))  So glad you are having a good day!
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 21, 2010, 10:59:59 AM
WHEE!!  ;D
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 21, 2010, 11:21:50 AM
Today is my birthday and I thought I would be miserable...I'm not! I actually am getting through this day o.k.
NO, better than O.K. I am really having a good day. :D
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Pooh on September 21, 2010, 11:24:59 AM
Oh....even better!  "Happy I refuse to age gracefully day!"
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 21, 2010, 11:26:50 AM
Never heard it like that Pooh, but I love it! Thank you very much.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: elsieshaye on September 21, 2010, 12:28:15 PM
Miss U, best wishes on your birthday.  (You and my son have the same b-day, btw!)
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Sunny1 on September 21, 2010, 12:36:09 PM
Happiest of Birthday's to you Miss U!!  ;D

Next year I'll be celebrating the 6th anniversary of my 29th Birthday!! How 'bout you?? ;)
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 21, 2010, 01:12:43 PM
Happy Birthday, MU!In March I will be celebrating the 55th anniversary of my 29th!  :o
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 21, 2010, 01:18:08 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on September 21, 2010, 01:12:43 PM
Happy Birthday, MU!In March I will be celebrating the 55th anniversary of my 29th!  :o

Okay, wwwaaait a minute, Pilgrim, you got your calculator out to do that one, didn't you?  ::) That's what John Wayne used to call everybody, Pilgrim.   "hold on, Pilgrim"
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Sunny1 on September 21, 2010, 01:23:08 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on September 21, 2010, 01:12:43 PM
Happy Birthday, MU!In March I will be celebrating the 55th anniversary of my 29th!  :o

luise, that's AwEsOmE!  :o
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 21, 2010, 01:23:58 PM
I am celebrating my 19th anniversary of my 29th B'day and proud of it. More wiser, More Courageous and More Beautiful inside...which is what really matters.
Thanks for the B'day greetings.
My DH just gave me the best B'day card...it was one that tells a story of our future together and I must say couldn't be a more perfect new beginning of my new self to focus on. :)
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 21, 2010, 01:34:28 PM
Lets see...what will do I have more of as I approach 84. Oh, I got it! More FAT! Just kidding. I have lost 25 pounds since June 15, so I'm half-way to being back to my normal size 6!
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Nana on September 21, 2010, 02:01:44 PM
Missunderstood:

Well I am happy that you are having a happy day.  I wish you the best....today and always.
A big hug....

Love
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: cadagi101 on September 21, 2010, 03:48:11 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on September 21, 2010, 10:59:59 AM
WHEE!!  ;D
[/color]

my heart gives a little jump and i have smiled reading these happy posts.   MU you must feel pretty special today
with all these good wishes..it is indeed lovely to have kind and caring friends and husband.   
good wishes to you, have a happy day now and always. 
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Pen on September 21, 2010, 04:53:43 PM
Yes, you are special :D  :D  :D Happy birthday, dear MU!

Your insight is pretty amazing. Thanks for sharing. I think I read somewhere that some people have an overactive guilt response. I know I do; I first realized it in first grade when I knew I didn't take something off of the teacher's desk but had major pangs of guilt nonetheless. I just thought I was weird, but apparently it's a real syndrome.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 22, 2010, 03:38:08 AM
Thanks Ladies and my new dear friends for the birthday wishes. I did have a great day yesterday...even though the drama was in my life.
I didn't hear from my DS though. I was ready for that and didn't beat myself up over it and in all reality...I made it through the day and slept really good last night.
I wanted to share with you all this book someone told me to get. They said it helped them with their dysfunctional family drama and ever since they put it in practice, the drama stopped and they started to live a better life. I read the book yesterday (Only 130 something, easy reading pages) It's called the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
It may not be for everyone...Even if you take a few things from it, which I did.
I have a better understanding that I DON'T OWN what my DS or my parents are doing, did or are going to do and regardless of what they are doing, did and are going to doesn't define me as a person. With that being said...It helped me to love myself a little more. I am at more peace this morning then yesterday, and definately the day before.

Just a little tid bit. I am sure anyone who has something that works for them and wants to pass that along can share that. Luise, I don't know this site very well yet...been stuck in just these two forums, but is there a place to post suggestive reading or help section?
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 22, 2010, 05:26:32 AM
Miss U.  That hurts me for you.  I can imagine how guilty your son feels right now for doing this.  No matter what he does, it is not about you.  I have learned this, it isn't.  Take your heart and take care of it today because at some point you are going to see him and I feel you will find out something other than you expected to know, if you find out what is going on.  ; )
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 22, 2010, 06:47:08 AM
BT...I don't think he cares about anything but himself right now...so GUILT wouldn't even fit in his brain or his heart. I woke up o.k and as I was taking my bike ride I had a twinge of awful pain...not a long drawn out stab of pain, just a twinge. Then I got this very cold feeling and had a thought that I don't care...I don't care anymore. What possibly could he say or do now to even make me want to step right back in with someone who has treated me so cruel for 3 months and has no regard about me what-so-ever. Is this a normal feeling? I have never felt this before...usually I am feeling I'll forgive him and take him back, no questions...just please call me or anything. Now...I don't care. How could I ever really trust him and you can't take back the things you do and say that wound so deep that breaks your mother's heart, causes pain on others in the family and more so...flat out ruins your relationship?
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 22, 2010, 06:58:47 AM
You are learning to care about yourself. Others go where they go and do what they do and it isn't about you and how you react to that isn't about them.

I have read that book. Good one! Poke around on our home page. Look under "Resources - Helpful Resources." That's the place there to post recommendations.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: barelythere on September 22, 2010, 07:06:06 AM
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 22, 2010, 06:47:08 AM
BT...I don't think he cares about anything but himself right now...so GUILT wouldn't even fit in his brain or his heart. I woke up o.k and as I was taking my bike ride I had a twinge of awful pain...not a long drawn out stab of pain, just a twinge. Then I got this very cold feeling and had a thought that I don't care...I don't care anymore. What possibly could he say or do now to even make me want to step right back in with someone who has treated me so cruel for 3 months and has no regard about me what-so-ever. Is this a normal feeling? I have never felt this before...usually I am feeling I'll forgive him and take him back, no questions...just please call me or anything. Now...I don't care. How could I ever really trust him and you can't take back the things you do and say that wound so deep that breaks your mother's heart, causes pain on others in the family and more so...flat out ruins your relationship?

Miss U. This is a temporary thing and will pass as soon as your son comes to grips with himself and what is really wrong with him.  This is about him, not you. You will take him back but this time, you will see a different boy/man in him.  If this takes a long, long time, then so be it.  In the meantime, arm yourself for growth and walk through each day in a learning mode.  You will make it.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 22, 2010, 07:12:19 AM
Thanks again for the support. I just don't want to be dragged down to their "WHY" or their "LIES"  Maybe that is why I don't care if he calls or not because after what my parents said he told them...It's all lies and I just don't want to be a part of that. I've had enough.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 22, 2010, 07:29:37 AM
Yea, MU! 8)
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Miss Understood on September 22, 2010, 07:35:15 AM
Thanks Luise for the Yeah. Weird feeling though. I don't to be happy or sad. Part of me is happy that I believe in myself and am proud of where I am with my soul today...the other part is sad that I even have to have this thought or go through this issue period.
I'm like...whatever!
Going to get a manicure and pedicure today for myself because I can and because I deserve it.
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: luise.volta on September 22, 2010, 07:40:05 AM
We all have many aspects of ourselves to consider when an issue comes up. And we can get varying responses. We're complex. So enjoy the Spa and pamper that part of you that purrs!  8)
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Pooh on September 22, 2010, 07:54:52 AM
I second that "Yay! MU"

Enjoy your mani/pedi and you DO deserve it!
Title: Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
Post by: Nana on September 22, 2010, 09:58:51 AM
Miss Understood:

I am glad you slept better and are in piece with yourself.  When one door closes....another opens.  The feeling of not caring anymore comes when we can take no more.  We have a certain amount of tolerance...you ran out of it.  Time will do its job.

Baby steps ...

Good luck