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Problem Solving => Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters => Topic started by: Miss Understood on August 14, 2011, 01:39:25 PM

Title: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 14, 2011, 01:39:25 PM
Tried to get on with my life....without my Adult Son, DIL and precious GD since they cut us out of their lives. 15 months later...still the silent treatment to me, DH and his sisters....but seeing my parents (who lie about them and are not my biggest fans). Missed another birthday if my GD. They moved, blocked our phone numbers and after all that, when my parents asked him why, it was all nonsense and no real answer. "She knows what she did and u til she makes it right" is what he told them. He won't talk to me and I have no idea what I did. No, I did nothing to deserve this! It is all based on lie DIL told him according to his best friend who he now wrote off due to DIL also.
Anyway....just had a wonderful vacation with 5 of 6 grandkids, great relationship with other 4 children and this issue with my baby boy is still killing me inside and preventing me from living my life without tears each day. I do not cry all day, just moments here and there.
I really want to make contact with my son....I am torn on what to do. Obviously he has avoided me and is
Is avoiding me, but I really feel him in my spirit wanting me to love him enough to keep on....it is a mothers feeling.
What to do now???? I miss him
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 14, 2011, 02:44:27 PM
I have thought of you so often, MU. I don't think we are ever separated on the level of spirit from our children. That said, you will keep on if you do and he will do what he does. By now, you know that your efforts are personally defeating and are met with disinterest. Sometimes we feel it is disloyal to give up. It's your call. It always has been. Sending love always...
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 14, 2011, 03:13:29 PM
I know it isn't about me....I resolve everything. I just miss him and there are days I am searching for the magic way to resolve this :(
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 14, 2011, 03:56:35 PM
The magic is who you are. He can't define you unless you abdicate the right to define yourself. When you focus on what you miss, you miss what you have that is wonderful and short change those around you that deserve your best.  You are in charge of where you place your focus, MU.

I so wish I could be with you in person. You could play the piano and I would sing.  :)

I know this...you are a marvelous, deep, caring, understanding, bright and creative person and there is no question that you have earned so much better. It just doesn't turn out like that sometimes. You are so loved. Let it in and don't let the love that is being withheld break your heart. It really is a choice.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 14, 2011, 04:33:37 PM
I can count on you to bring my heart back to center. I am a good mom and a wonderful grandmother. Regardless of what this is, I don't deserve this horrible treatment. We just came back from our vacation home and my DS was such a big part in that place...everything reminded me of him. We did have 5 of the 6 grandkids there... It was wonderful, we all missed DS. I miss my GD dearly too. DIL... No, the things that surfaced over the past year from her indirectly just solidified that I was her target. She didn't want any other woman in my DS's life...so, what she created, I cannot fix and I do believe if he faces me, he'd have to admit his wife is a lying trouble maker. So....here I am! Brokenhearted and missing him. That is all I CAN do.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 14, 2011, 05:29:13 PM
And at the same time you can love the rest of the clan with all your heart because that is who you are.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 14, 2011, 05:32:00 PM
That is what I am doing! Thanks for the encouragement! That is why I posted today.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 14, 2011, 05:39:30 PM
We go way back, MU and I am always here for you. You're doing great, even when it doesn't look or feel like like it...and you are always welcome here.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 14, 2011, 05:46:17 PM
I am here often, just quiet... Which is something I am doing to change me...I always have something to say :) I am coping better, working better, traveling again, enjoying things....for a long time I did nothing. If you only new some if the fears and feats I conquered. I surprise myself...though I still cry for him... I can't help it, there is a part of my heart that is missing.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 14, 2011, 06:06:14 PM
Of course there is that part...you're the mom. I'm so impressed with your healing process. You've come a long way.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Pooh on August 15, 2011, 06:38:53 AM
Good to see you MU.  Sorry you are having a rough time right now.  It's ok.  It wouldn't be normal if we didn't miss them.  I was so close to my GM who passed when I was 16.  It was a very hard time in my life and to this day, when a special event occcurs, I still miss her.  Something can still tear me up about her but I don't let that run my life.  She wouldn't want me too.

I will not give my OS/DIL that power.  Their behavior does not deserve that reward.  You have such a loving circle of people that do deserve you.   You are much stronger than you realize and those GC are lucky to have you! 
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: not like the movies on August 15, 2011, 10:36:53 AM
sending warm wishes for peace within
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Keys Girl on August 15, 2011, 10:53:59 AM
Quote from: Miss Understood on August 14, 2011, 03:13:29 PM
I know it isn't about me....I resolve everything. I just miss him and there are days I am searching for the magic way to resolve this :(

Unfortunately, that magic wand has yet to be invented, and they say the universe will unfold as it should.  Perhaps one day everything will be resolved and you won't be missing him.  They will need to learn that the cold shoulder/emotional abuse isn't a way to resolve anything.  Good for you for not caving into their expectations that you will.

Take care,

KG
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 15, 2011, 02:10:51 PM
Oh, I caved...for a year. I called every so often, sent a gift or card every so often...apologized for any and everything.
I got nothing back. EVER!
the games are just too much to handle. I keep hoping and praying that he will realize that I love him and I am worth more than what he is giving me.
That poor GD of mine. My 5 other's love me dearly and my other kids think I am a very loving and good mother/grandmother. Even my other children let me have the kids whenever or for whatever and don't even mind me disciplining them because they trust me.
However...this vacation I just had with 5 of the 6 kids was bittersweet. I miss my DS and I miss my sweet GD and it still feels wrong to not have her in my life and it is still so very, very hard to get through the day sometimes.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that other parent have it extremely hard and how their sorry they must feel and all the other parents that are good parents, good grandparents and they do their best and look....for what? for why? I'm sorry ladies....and for the dads/grandfather's too. My heart breaks for all of us.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Keys Girl on August 15, 2011, 05:16:28 PM
MU, I did the same kind of thing for 9 months and the humiliation and hostility got worse and worse.

I read some info recently that talked about a triangle of victim, perpetrator and rescuer.  It seems to me that the only way out of the victim role is to refuse to allow the perpetrator access to you.  That's what I've decided to do.  They can go look for a new target, it is very, very said, but allowing myself to be victimized by the one person on the planet who I brought into this world.......well......that dog won't bark anymore.

MU, all I can tell you is that life isn't fair, it's a heartbreaker at times, think of your friends who have died early from cancer and all kinds of other tragic and cruel events.......but don't spend too much time dwelling on the heartbreak, you have other children and grandchildren, rejoice in your relationship with them, and think of your son as a sheep who is lost in the woods.  He may eventually find his way home, but in my case if there isn't respect, courtesy and kindness, I'll toss his butt back into the woods in a heartbeat (and I suspect he knows that).  Your other children are treating you well, give them the appreciation that they deserve.  Enjoy the flock you have, the black sheep will have to sort it out for himself.  Some people are very stubborn and would rather butt heads against a fence than walk thought the open gate.
 
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 15, 2011, 06:15:47 PM
Thanks to all of you.
How do you show that you won't take that behavior anymore when you gravelled for so long. I am the laughing stock....to them.
That's what I feel I am. Most of the time I feel pretty strong, however...I still have moments of feel overwhelmed with sadness and confusion regarding the "why" question.
My husbands son did a very similar thing...almost 5 years went by with NO communication. She wouldn't have any part of it, he wouldn't talk. 2 more kids later...they are back
in our lives. Back in a good way. No more disrespect, no more lies, hurt and cruelness. We have a lovely relationship with the kids (4 of them) they even went on vacation with us
which we never thought would ever happen. Tonight the oldest who is 10 sent me a picture of him with his blue blanket that I made for him when he was 2. He kept it and DIL
said when they got home from the trip he immediately wanted to get his picture taken with the blanket and send it to me. I cried....this is what gives me hope that my DS will
come back. My Stepson is now really close with his father. My DH wouldn't gravel though. He hung up the phone 7 years ago and said enough and that was the end of it with him.
I can't do that. I just can't let go. But I know I don't have anything to hold onto either. I feel in limbo with DS. Nothing I have done made a difference....still silent treatment.
I keep saying each day, "I made it this far...I can keep going." I do....and I have good laughter now, I smile more, I work, I function....I wasted 15 months of my life by crying and crying and
having every good thing be filled with guilt and fear and pain over DS's "stupid" silent treatment. I know and realize that. I know it isn't about me...even if he blames me...How can you resolve anything when you can't give the other person the decensy of telling them why you out them...especially your own mother? I am ashamed of my DS! very ashamed of him! I did not raise him to behave this way....My other kids don't act this ridiculous.
Thanks for all the encouragement. I missed all of you. I just stayed quiet because sometimes I heal better by not arguing my case. It's my not being the victim and not focusing on my failure of a mother thing. Sometimes I need to talk about it.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Pen on August 15, 2011, 10:06:24 PM
The silent treatment is a form of shunning and is abusive behavior, according to several articles I've read. I googled "effects of shunning" and found several articles.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Canuck Grannie on August 15, 2011, 10:40:05 PM
Keys Girl said: "...think of your son as a sheep who is lost in the woods.  He may eventually find his way home, but in my case if there isn't respect, courtesy and kindness, I'll toss his butt back into the woods in a heartbeat..."

How grounded in reality those words are for me today.  Thanks to all who have posted such true words of wisdom and insight.  I have been unfairly treated by a grown son and have cried too many tears.  He must surely be lost in some woods somewhere and may or may not find his way out someday.  He must have got his stubbornness from his loving mother!

I can sleep tonight (after two days of aching), knowing that not only was I a loving and kind mother often told that by him and his siblings, but - more importantly - I was once a grateful child myself who showed patience and kindness toward my own parents.  Reminding myself of all my good qualities and kind motives tonight - after reading others' thoughts here - I feel happiness starting to creep back in. 

Son - I release you.  May you find peace and joy in your life.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 16, 2011, 05:53:26 AM
I too find it hard to sleep at night sometimes...just the random thoughts of my DS and his smell and things he used to say or do that made me feel so proud to be his mother. Lost sheep....yep....or lost dog with rabies is more like it. Cruel behavior like ostercizing someone who should be so dear to you is just plain evil and hard to fathom.
I go to bed everynight sending my energy and love to his heart...I believe he feels my love, even if he doesn't want to admit it to himself. He will someday. I also pray to God, who is the God of reconciliation that he take hold of this and remove me from controlling this and patiently wait for him to find a way.

The only way I can describe my pain to people who don't understand is that if feels as though my DS was abducted and his whereabouts are unknown and I am panic stricken in trying to relocate him. Hurt that something bad has happened to him, he will be lost forever or that he is somehow crying out to me for me to help him/find him and I am lost too. That is what it feels like to me that my DS as cut me out of his life.....for no reason....for a lie.....for a DIL that changed him into something unrecognizable.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 16, 2011, 07:22:24 AM
Beloved MU, this is old news coming from me to you...but where you focus is where your emotions go and where your emotions go, you will as well. If you let it, this can kill you. You have serious health issues. And you have a family that loves you and is powerless to help you until you help yourself. Your son made his choice, he is not being held at gun point...and you get to make your choice as well. The extreme pain your are experiencing is being nurtured by you and you are becoming attached to it. You go to bed sending love. The love is there in your son's heart and soul because he is your son. You don't need to reinforce it.

You came back to WWU after your vacation to celebrate your progress with us. I see your posts taking you back down to where you are the most comfortable because it is the most familiar and that is into  being the quintessential victim. The rest of your beautiful family deserves better even if you don't think you do. No one can stop you. Everyone has tried. You have documentation this is unfair, proof that you deserve better...and it keeps you in place. Your life was and is a gift. The rest of your family was and is a gift and you turn toward...are drawn to...and have pledged yourself to...the loss that has undeniably come your way. If you hang on to it, it hangs on to you. We all see horrors until we let it go.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Pooh on August 16, 2011, 07:42:36 AM
Bautiful MU, do me a favor.  Take a deep breath and go back and read your last two posts as if they were written by someone else on this site and see what you think?  Pretend it was me that wrote those and then tell me what advice you would give me.

I see in both posts, that you know exactly what you need to do.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 16, 2011, 09:15:06 AM
Oh, I do know...I do sit and have conversations with myself...the logical, smart and not defined by this craziness self. Sometimes, the sad, heartbroken self speaks.
I do have a really good life, a basket full of joyful and abundant wonderful things....a few maggots (as I say) are outside the basket and draw my attention there from time to time....why? because I don't want it that way. I want those maggots to be part of our family, to be there with the joy....I remember the joy and it hurts that it has turned to maggots and it is creaping up to my basket. I know this sounds silly the way I paint the picture....But I do recognize the good stuff and enjoy the good stuff and from time to time I feel guilty for feeling good.
I don't know why I do that. I have no reason to feel guilty. Then when I stand and look at myself I think, "Oh....it is him and DIL missing out on MY love, on a beautiful life with US. What I am missing out on is mean cruel nasty treatment, cursing me when they don't get their way, dangling of that precious baby over my head like a randsom, lies and more lies......and so on." Yes....he isn't ready to come back in my life until he is ready to come back. I almost feel the peace that it is quiet and not a bunch of turmoil. Missing him is sad, but the battle is disgusting and it wears me down.
I did have a great summer with my daughters and other grandchildren...even my marriage is better. I have limited my feeling sorry for myself moments and moved back to the land of the living. Still continue with therapy that is helping me move through the grief and why I feel I need to control everything that I have no way of controlling.

Don't lose faith in me....I am really not stuck in that black hole anymore....I am just having a few sad days. When I look at the beautiful pictures from our vacation and the only one's who are missing is them.....It was a hard slap in my face and it drug me down a bit. That's all. Thanks for understanding and picking me back up. I am o.k. I know that someday....he will realize this was silly and I'll always be his mom.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 16, 2011, 09:22:08 AM
We are with you. Don't lose faith in yourself, MU. Only you can lift yourself up. And we all have bad days and sometimes weeks. Fight for yourself!
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Pooh on August 16, 2011, 12:30:56 PM
Exactly what Luise said!  I have total faith in you and yes, some sad days are normal.  We are the only ones that can dust ourselves off and believe in ourselves. 
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: farrelly80 on August 16, 2011, 03:14:57 PM
I feel for you, its so hard to carry on as normal when your heart is broken through the actions of a son who you gave life to. It helps so much to read and realise that you are not alone in this terribly sad situation. I miss our gs so much its like a knife through the heart but I realise that, as has been said so often,  you cannot make someone be as you want them to be, its their call. The hope is one day he will realise we are not ogres but loving decent people who make mistakes, as normal people do, but love him and our gs unconditionally. I pray to God that that day will not be too far into the future.
Its sad that they can use a little boy as a pawn, to be kept from his gp who he adores. I wish these young women would walk a mile in our shoes, girls today are a so different. yet my ys's gf is a delight and we are real close. A wise man told me once to count your blessings and she and my ys are our blessings.
Keep reading, I take a lot of comfort from the wise words here, it really does help.
Farrelly80 x
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: maxine on August 25, 2011, 04:34:20 AM
just a thought - do you think that you are hanging on to these hopes as it gives you some attachment to you DS, rather than just letting go and moving on with your life? This is certainly not a critisism and I feel for you deeply. We give birth to these children, nurture them and hopefully make them well rounded adults but we can't do everything for them . I am sure one day ( maybe when he has problem with his child) he will realise the pain he has given you.
Go out and enjoy your life and pat yourself on the back for doing a good job.
Maxine
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 25, 2011, 05:00:26 AM
Hi Maxine. Yes...I hold on. I can't let go. He's my child. I can't help it.
I am trying to enjoy my life but this festering wound seems to infect the rest of it.
I am much better than a year ago...I have my bad days...but I DO have good days.
I am and always have been a good mother. I know that.
Thanks for the support ladies.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 25, 2011, 10:54:09 AM
To move forward even more, try to get that it isn't "I can't"...it's "I won't." There is a payoff or you'd let go. I think A. is right, you keep the relationship "alive" by refusing to accept the reality of your son's choices. Your mothering days with him are over. He is an adult and your job is done. You may some day become friends or you may not but your function as a mother is complete. In trying to perpetuate it, you are purposely perpetuating pain. No one can help you...but you, MU.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 25, 2011, 10:57:57 AM
I know. I am working on it. I spend 90% of my waking hours now functional...THAT is a big improvement. I have that 10% hang on still lingering :)
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 25, 2011, 11:04:51 AM
Just remember that the rest of us have about the same percentage of dysfunction. There is no perfection!
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 25, 2011, 11:12:46 AM
Darn...Always thought I was like 90 1/2 % perfect! Hahaha!  ;D
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 25, 2011, 11:25:44 AM
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Nana on August 25, 2011, 12:34:40 PM
Dear Misunderstood.  So good to know from you again.  It is really sad that things are not good now and that you are hurting.  Keys post, Pooh's, Luise's are excellent.  What else can we add to make you feel better.  I was just remembering my brother say about his son "If he doesnt love me, I can love him for both of us".  It is how you are Mu, wonderful, warm, loving. 

Just think of all the people here that love you.  So many posts to your rescue lol.  I also know that justice will be serve...sooner or later. 

Love you
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Begonia on August 25, 2011, 06:23:24 PM
Sending some good energy to you in cyberspace!!   :)
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 25, 2011, 07:38:30 PM
With such a remarkably tough day...I feel rather good! Thank you all.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 25, 2011, 07:40:38 PM
Good for you! :-)
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: sesamejane on August 25, 2011, 08:05:04 PM
Mu,  I miss my son too, the one I raised.  I do not know the man now.  I grieve, and then I think of who he has become.  It is perplexing sometimes because he was so loving, but when he married his wife about 9 years ago, he changed.  She is shallow, and cold, and cruel, and has hurt even her own parents, so why not me?   

I wish you the best. For me, even though I have forgiven, I know that unless they have the ability to make amends, apologize, the same stuff would happen all over again.  I have done nothing to them to deserve the treatment I received.  I loved them and spent money I did not have to support their efforts at starting a family.  THey just wanted more and more, with little respect shown to me.

I don't want to dwell on this anymore.  Making a good life and taking care of myself is important now.  Maybe someday, when my grandchildren are grown, I will look them up.

It hurts because you are capable of such deep love.  Good for you and what a blessing for those you love.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 26, 2011, 04:03:51 AM
I am learning the word "NO" Which is not the easiest thing to pass through my mouth. I am such a fool sometimes. My whole life I have strived to "Please" Everyone. After this past 15 months of intense pain and a good therapist :) I have learned that I AM only in control of myself. I stand up for myself alot more (which in turn removes the toxic people from my space) It has also made me realize that I am defined as a person because of someone elses opinion or action towards, against or directed at me. I also learned that I can live with a broken heart, learned that I am much stronger than I ever realized, I learned that my life is more valuable to some than others. I learned who my true friends are, how much my daughters respect and feel about me as a mother and that both of them do not think or feel or believe that I did anything to deserve DS's horrible treatment (which means alot to me since my parents believe that I have...but they cannot say what because they are only basing their belief on their view of me...which is extremely low)
I have also learned to remove toxic relationships out of my life...this is the hardest.
However...I am back to work, spent my DS and DIL's house money that I was gifting them on GD's first Birthday...which ironically, the cutoff happened the day before....Anyway, I bought me a convertible sports car with it!  ;D ;D ;D
I know I am and always was a good mother...good daughter....good wife....awesome grandmother. I know...if they can't appreciate that, that is their problem and if they don't want me in their lives...they are the ones missing out...I'm only missing out on GD, because a relationship with either of those disrespectful, cursing, hurting and selfish people is not very joyous. I think they have a lot of growing up and a lot of self discovery and worldly learning before I really want them back in my life. If they came back now...Nothing would be different with them...THEY are not ready. They need maturity and learn to treat others respectfully. Because of my new self identity...I would never listen to my DS curse me for 41 minutes. The phone would be hung up the first curse word or raising of his voice at me and DIL...well... I have zero good feelings left in her and I don't think would ever come back, not after te way she tried to destroy our family. Though...one of the big things I did realized was that SHE didn't destroy our family. She may have caused collateral damage and put a bunch of cancer there...but I have started to remove the cancer one by one and piece MY family back together. Sooner or later or Not...Me, my DH, 2 daughters will be whole again...with our withough DS, DIL and that precious GD. I even took a trip with my youngest daughter to NYC this summer and had a whopping blast. Last summer...I barely got out of bed. I'm healing and learning and growing. The hurting moments and crying moments are less and the joy in my life seems to shine brighter again. I pray, I hope and I remember my DS as the person he was when he was in our lives. I miss him very much. But I need to carry on....so, I do.
Thanks for all the support and for listening to me today.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 26, 2011, 01:18:20 PM
Oh, MU, I am copying that post, transferring it to Word, printing it out and pasting it on my wall!
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Ruth on August 26, 2011, 02:57:46 PM
I'm so very very sorry for you, and with you, MU.  The grief, for me, comes in waves.  If it were consistent we wouldn't be able to bear it.  This past 9 months is the first time in 10 yrs that I haven't been actively pursuing my DS, begging, pleading, trying to make amends, buying, anything and everything I could think of to try and make it right.   I learned this year to 'cry softly' and now I don't grieve all the time.  I had to come to terms that what I was doing was depriving the others in my life, with my emotional preoccupation.  The most unselfish thing you can do is to pull out of the grief, leave all the outcome to God, and believe there will be a brighter day when all is made right.  Time isn't important, all has its own appointed time.  I don't fret over this any more.  Give yourself some peace today.  The end of the book has not been written yet. 
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 26, 2011, 03:11:03 PM
It has also made me realize that I am defined as a person because of someone elses opinion or action towards, against or directed at me.

This was supposed to say NOT defined...But I think you got that!

I had a no crying day....A few good memories which were very bitter sweet.
I even told one to my hairdresser this afternoon.

This is a true story...a fond memory.
My son was in the 7th grade and I was dropping him off at his first middle school dance. He was meeting his friends out front. As he got out and DID NOT kiss me goodbye...I rolled the window down and said loudly, "By honey...I love you so much and hope you have a great time." His friends chuckled and ribbed him a little. I thought he was going to be mad...He smiled and waved at me. Then one boy said, "Oh...Mommy is saying goodbye. Are you a mama's boy?" He said, "Yes...you would be too if you had a mom as wonderful as mine." He then came to the car and hugged me goodbye. That was my son...That is the son I miss. A long time ago... but he did love me and I know somewhere inside...he still does.

Yes, the book isn't finished yet. I just am not calling and begging and pleading anymore. Quiet I am...moving on I must.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Rose799 on August 26, 2011, 03:26:23 PM
I'm touched by these posts, MU & Ruth, thank you for sharing.
Title: Ashamed of my feelings
Post by: molly on August 26, 2011, 08:09:18 PM
. thousands of dollars to famous psychologist who helped me so much and my wonderful friend luise our son is now interacting with us, connecting ah gain with the rest of his relatives, and calling us albeit from the office.  We are getting to see grandchild for rare visits.  Everything is on their terms.  I accept the crumbs.

But tonight as I read wise women I saw these strong women who are standing up for themselves.  I thought I was one of those but I still weep by myself because I am afraid dil will do something to break that thin thread between my son and myself .  I just asked my husband don't you sly love him d.   He does not because of how he treated me, a horrid story even the therapist reprimanded son for ..
Husband says he tolerates son, could care less about him, is not ashamed we failed.  He feels son failed.  But I am a mother and I take anything to hear my sons voice.  Now if  I could stop hating her for what she has done to us
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 26, 2011, 08:20:55 PM
Hi Molly, Thanks for checking in. All any of us can do is be ourselves in the circumstances we find ourselves in. I don't think anyone here has a handle on it 24/7 with never a bad day (or night.) We do support and understand each other. For some, it can help...not to be alone with it. And I agree that men can sometime close the door better than we can. It's a mother's heart. We may not love what they do...but the love is still there. Blessings...
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: molly on August 26, 2011, 08:31:25 PM
Doing great otherwise.  And thank you for everything.  You are one very wise woman
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Pen on August 26, 2011, 10:37:33 PM
Quote from: Miss Understood on August 26, 2011, 04:03:51 AM
However...I am back to work, spent my DS and DIL's house money that I was gifting them on GD's first Birthday...which ironically, the cutoff happened the day before....Anyway, I bought me a convertible sports car with it!  ;D ;D ;D

Love it!
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 27, 2011, 06:27:42 AM
Molly, I know what you mean about men. My DH...though he is DS's step father, however he and I were married when he was 5 and he really raised him...He could care less and actually has hatred towards him for the pain he has put on me and how it affected our lives (his life) for the past 15 months.

My DH believes my DS can't face me because he knows deep down that I didn't deserve it and how awful of a son he has been and the DIL has created this distance and he is owning it.
I agree...but, Still feel bad for DS.
The past few days I have never slept better, have not cried and have the largest sense of self respect that I have had in my whole life. MY Mother told me i was not a good mother and made BIIIIIGGGGG mistakes in my life and that is why my DS isn't talking to me. SOMETHING woke me up and said, "NO....I am a great mother and nobody has the right to tell me that." Besides my DS and his garbage...I have two daughters and 2 step sons and ALL of them think of me wonderfully and respect me. DS and MY PARENTS are the one's with the issues and I have now let go of it and stopped trying to own that it was something I did.
Molly....You didn't do this! Your DS and DIL are doing this. If it was you, you'd be apologizing, rectifying and resolving everything. They can't because this is their own selfish issues and they are not healthy minded enough or mature enough to face the truth and make things right in their lives.
Sometimes people think they are invinsible and they have all the time in the world, or they are better of lying to themselves to protect their ego and identity...however a good person, a person who has self respect, who respects others...they know they have the capacity to hurt others and should take responsibility.
In my life...my parents have never appologized to anyone and hurt people all the time. They will twist it to their benefit and then throw the axes to make everyone side with them. That is how I grew up...that is why I became a pleaser. Even at my age of almost 50...I still was trying to please them...knowing that what they were doing is wrong. Everytime I do stand up for myself or just be me...I get screamed at, belittled and degraded. Then I get the silent treatment...EVEN when they are the one's to blame. I finally stuck up for myself and again...got the phone call to NEVER call them again. (The stick up for myself was my mom wanted us to come over for a bbq on labor day with the whole family, which hadn't spoken to eachother in almost a year because of a previous issue of my mom lying and then everyone getting mad and there was violence...anyway. I told her I was not comfortable and ready to be around anyone as a whole unit yet since everything is still tender - what I mean is my mom got caught lying again when someone posted a picture of my sister with my estranged GD at my parents condo on Facebook. My mom lied and said she has not seen my DS...however, when I produced the picture she called my Sister and DIL and blamed them for stirring me up and instead of saying, "Gee, again I lied to my daughter!" she created my Sister and me to be more distant and then my DIL went even more on the attack of me and really put the lock on the door with DS. SO...No, I had the right to say I was not ready and I could not sit there and socialize with people I am not comfortable with. So...WWIII took over with them, I was told I was a horrible daughter, sister and especially mother and then scream and yell and I just woke up and said, "NO" You will not treat me this way. I did shout, "DON'T YELL AT ME ANYMORE" and hung up the phone. I did apologize for MY actions and told my mother that I am afraid of her because every time I speak to her she finds some way of insulting with me or throwing in what a disappointment to her I am and then argues. I can't communicate with her and it scares me when the phone rings. I also told her that I love her and want a relationship with her. I did tell her that I didn't agree or appreciate that she says I am a bad mother. I am not her mother and even though she sees me as a disappointment as a daughter, that doesn't define me as a mother. I know that I am a good mother. Again...said I loved her and wanted to resolve things and I would like us to talk. Yes...that is what I said and guess what??? She slammed me and cut me out of her and my dad's life again because I am erratic. This is the woman who screams uncontrollably and lies and plays games with the siblings and can never say she is sorry or make any changes. I am not erratic and I am honest. For the first time in my life...I stopped her bad tape and don't hear that anymore and really realize that is the truth! It is not true! I am not that person they see or tell me I am and I do not own their garbage anymore. I know me and that is so far from me. If one of my children ever questioned my love or told me they were afraid to talk to me because I hurt them every time we spoke....I would do something to change that. Fact is, except for DS...not one of my children ever question the magnitude of my love or support or ever go to bed feeling bad about themselves because of me. I spent almost 50 years of my life doubting my self-worth because of what my parents told me. After this thing happened with my DS...I started to get healthy in my mind and though I have bad days...I almost think that this thing with DS was a blessing to me....I love me! I never loved me before...NEVER!
Molly....Don't sell your soul to DS. Crumbs are o.k. because they are something...but if you feel bad about yourself because of that...It's not worth it and it is not right. Feel your inner soul and when you have peace...then you are doing what is best for YOU.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 27, 2011, 06:30:01 AM
PEN! I love my car!!!! I would have had this car instead of selfish children if I knew I could. I call it my happy car! I feel liberated in it and turn the stereo up loud, top down and drive until I laugh. My youngest DD goes with me and she even feels my joy. So...something good came out of the fact I didn't give them the $$ for a house...which probably was a bad idea anyway!
Funny how things happen. ;D
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Nana on August 27, 2011, 11:57:49 AM
Dear Misunderstood

In the midst of all this turmoil, you came out stronger, wiser, radiant and peaceful person.  I am impressed by your change....things get to the point when you stop on your tracks and say ënough".  Enough being hurt, enoug being belittled, enough being disrespected.  It is when you awaken to a new YOU.  A you that you never knew was inside ......a good, valuable and loving mother and daughter.   The best of all is that due to the circumstances you learned to love yourself which is essential to your soul.  You learned in a hard way, but you learned and that is very good.

Your mom is a bad mom,  she turned you for a while into  a tormented young women with no self esteem, how could anyone who suppose to love you do this.  We as mothers want our children to be happy... and do our best to make them so.   We fail many times, yes, but we try to change and make things better.    Your mother is the least person you should have contact with...she rottens your soul, she is a very.extremely toxic person in your life.  She has done a lot of damage and I feel she is to blame also of what is happening between your son and you.

MU...enjoy your car and let your hair blow with a big smile in your face, you earned it.  You are awesome.

Ruth...the end of story is not yet written as you said...there is more to to come.  You will get to see changes that will benefit you.  You will be ok...doing great. 

Molly... Dont hate your dil for what she has done to you...or to your relationship with son....hate is like drinking ppoison and hoping someone else will die.  Forgive her in order to have the peace you deserve...she does not deserve your uneasiness...or thoughts about her.  Live it to God...or to divine justice haha...love it (the karma stuff). 

Love you all ....strong women...

Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: molly on August 27, 2011, 08:00:43 PM
You are right.  Nuns taught me not to hate. That is waste of myself. Should just thoroughly dislike.  I should get academy award for how I hide it.  I have some much to be happy for.  Great husband, all the material things I could want, good, good friends who helped me through all of this, and a wonderful family.  I am truly blessed

Thank you for your kind words of advice. 

Molly
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 28, 2011, 07:59:49 AM
Somthing that has helped me many times is: "I Will always love you and I will never love what you are doing." Another one is: "Hate only hurts the hater. It never affects the hated."
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: molly on August 28, 2011, 09:17:31 AM
Thanks, luise. You always have the right. Words.  All my affection.   Molly
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 29, 2011, 08:33:43 AM
O.K....if my family drama couldn't get anyworse. My sister called me over the weekend and told me that Her, my Father and Mother all went to GD's birthday party 2 months ago. I asked my mother if she heard anything from DS. SHe said "NO" and I even played Golf with my father that morning and he didn't say one word. Why in the world does my family think that Lying to me is o.k.?
Also, I received a phone call from one of my DS's friends who said that my DS was at a party last weekend and was crying, saying he missed his mother and DIL was yelling at him to shut up and said, "Your mother is crazy!" The friend said this weighed on their heart and had to tell me that my DS is very sad and really misses me. At first I felt relief that he was thinking about me in a good way...then I got sad that he is hurting. I am glad I heard this story...I could never understand that my DS would hate me. From what I understand, all HIS friends stood up for me and encouraged him to work things out. DIL starting arguing with everyone and DS got extremely sad. This breaks my heart.
I know, I know...I was not there...However, This does sound like DS and this girl who called me has no reason to lie or to make something up.

Such a messed up situation!
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2011, 08:49:42 AM
It's a "he said..she said, MU." Don't listen...those who love you are not going to tell you what they feel would hurt you. Those who tell you have an agenda. Don't play into it. Sending love...
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 29, 2011, 09:04:51 AM
I know. I do know.
I am so tired of being kicked like a worn out tire....
One thing this girl said to me, which made me sure she was telling the truth. She knows nothing about my parents. She said that My Son said to them that my Parents told him I went off the deep end and tried to kill myself. NOT TRUE, but the rumor my brother told to our cousin is just such. Nobody knows this stuff, it was never repeated and I wouldn't doubt that my parents told that to DS.
This girl doesn't have an agenda...she just knows that he was upset and she knows that I haven't heard from him and she wanted me to know that he DOES miss me and he is SAD.
As far as anything that comes out of my family...It's all lies and they have an agenda, their own and only their own.

I try hard to get off this merry go round and then for some reason...I get on again!
Needing support today! Encouragement maybe! Just to know that my DS misses me and still loves me helps my heart. Feeling like a failure as a daughter to parents that wear ugly glasses bothers me and sometimes I think that I am an awful daughter because I am really starting to think a permanent split with my family is eminant to my survival.

Help! does that make me a bad person. I want a relationship with my parents and siblings...but they beat me up emotionally and constantly tear me apart as a person and each and every time I speak to them...I cry for hours and don't sleep, get depressed and feel bad about myself.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2011, 09:16:20 AM
Let the drama go. Focus elsewhere. Let it go, MU.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 29, 2011, 09:23:27 AM
O.k. I am letting go today! Thank you for letting me get it off my chest! I am not good at holding stuff that bothers me in. It festers and then it causes me more pain.
I am learning to let go faster. Having the support to get the painful stuff out of me helps.
Thank you
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2011, 09:36:05 AM
I agree. We can't let go of what we haven't faced. We can just get stuck in being right and become attached to it, if we don't watch out. I sometime have to journal in bold, large, capitalized font. LOL!
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 29, 2011, 09:49:07 AM
Oh, Luise...I read back at last years Journal...I cannot believe the scribble, bold and explaination points! It would go on and on.
I am doing better....NEW stuff comes, doesn't stay too long...Which is a good thing.
I wish I didn't have this new stuff bombarding me! I need a break from it all.
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2011, 09:57:20 AM
"New stuff" is life, MU. When it stops, so does life. Don't listen to new stuff that isn't supportive.

When I was journaling by hand, I used to have whole pages in it with only one word on it...like "HELP!" and "NO!" Wonderful way to face and release. Sending love...
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 29, 2011, 10:05:20 AM
Mine has a lot of curse words it it!  ;D ;D ;D
I am glad I posted today...I feel better.
I have this new motto about myself with my family.
"they don't know me...or they'd like me"
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2011, 10:26:42 AM
Naw...they'd probably love you...
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 29, 2011, 10:33:16 AM
 ;)
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Keys Girl on August 29, 2011, 02:40:46 PM
It's not your mess.......it is theirs. 

Don't waste a minute worrying about them, their refusal to extend invitations, etc.etc.  You are feeling their rejection and hostility.  (well, maybe for an hour but after that.......)

Your days of cleaning up someone else's mess of cookies, spit up, etc.etc. are DONE.  They are not babies anymore, they are ADULTS.........let them figure it out for themselves.

Your days of enjoying your days are HERE.

Look in the mirror every morning and say to yourself "YIPPEE!!" what do I want to do today???

Drop by the firehall with my new convertible and ask a good looking firefighter a "helpless woman" question just for the fun of it???

Here's a great word, they don't like me.....so? they don't invite me......so?.......they don't treat other members of my family better than me.......so?

So what? whatcha gonna do about it? ya can't change 'em.......so.......who cares what they think of you? maybe they have single digit IQs!! who cares??

GONNA SIT AND MOPE....??
NOPE
GONNA GET OUT THERE AND LIVE IT UP!!!
YUP, YUP, YUP

You don't have new stuff bombarding you unless you CHOOSE TO PICK IT UP!  Drive over it with your new convertible!!  that's where it belongs, under your hot wheels.

Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Rose799 on August 29, 2011, 03:10:56 PM
Keys, you're like a cold drink of water on a hot scorching day in the desert!  : )  I love to read your posts...
Title: Re: been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today
Post by: Miss Understood on August 29, 2011, 03:21:16 PM
Yes Keys! Hahahhahahaa!
I am going to live it up. Thinking about taking a drive right now, as a matter fact!
Thank you.