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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Topics - Kate

1
Grab Bag / Old ghosts
August 12, 2015, 06:33:05 PM
My mother died last week.  She had dementia for many years, so it's been a strange period of waiting for the inevitable to occur.  Her death has left me with a feeling of unfinished business.  I was the youngest of five children and have always known I was unplanned and unwanted.  I felt as if I was a ghost for much of my childhood, not noticed or loved.  Now I don't know how to feel.  I've cried, but not really for my mother - more for what might have been, but wasn't. 

My father died nearly 20 years ago and I didn't mourn him either.  He actively disliked me and I was the frequent recipient of beatings. 

I met my husband after my father died, and after my mother developed dementia.  I drew a line uder that period and wove a fantasy for him (and others) of what my life was like with them, probably due to the abusive marriage I'd just escaped and the fact that I didn't want to be the pathetic person that nobody had ever cared for.  It seemed harmless at the time, but now I can't express my mixed feelings about it all to anyone because they all think I'm grieving for my mother.

I don't know what to feel.  I'm actually quite depressed.  I'm thinking of getting counselling, but I dread opening the can of worms that was my childhood. 

Any advice gratefully received. 
2
Grab Bag / Too much stuff!
February 02, 2014, 05:50:55 PM
This is probably a weird post, but have been home from work for a few days and decided to organize my shoes as they are always such a cluttered mess. 

Well, discovered that I have waaay too many shoes, and that I have several sets of multiple pairs of nearly identical shoes, most of which are unworn. 

Not only that, but my  closet is also overflowing with clothes I either can't get into, or rarely wear.

Now, I'm guessing that this is a symptom of trying to fill up the gaping hole in my life that the loss of my son and granddaughter has left, but it can't go on! 

Has anyone else faced this addiction?   i know that acknowledging the problem is a start, but how did you move forward in organizing and stopping the urge to buy things you don't need?
3
Hi ladies, I hope that the holidays have been kind to you, and that where they have not, that you have been kind to yourselves.   BIL and his new partner came to stay for a few days and as partner is from a blessedly uncomplicated family asked in a kind way about my absent younger son.   Well, floods of tears! And the genie is still not back in the bottle a day later.  It is amazing how ones self control can evaporate after a couple of glasses of wine!

I know I am not alone in this and will recover.

Wishing you all a calm and peaceful new year.
4
Grab Bag / Christmas gift thoughts
October 29, 2013, 02:01:07 AM
What would you like for Christmas?  I guess most of us would want our relationships with the people we love to be mended, but that is not something that we can be given.

My DIL being still fairly new to the whole Christmas thing is determined to give us something,  even though we have told her that the joy of having her as part of our family is gift enough.  Gift giving is also complicated by the fact that she will have to either bring it with her from interstate,  together with GS, or mail it. I also dont want them to spend a lot of money as with a new baby money is tight. Photos are welcome, but shelf space is limited.

I really don't need or particularly want a physical gift. Any ideas on something small that would make her happy and wouldn't clutter up our already full house?
5
My beautiful new grandson was born on Wednesday night after 30+ hours of labour and an emergency caesarean.  Mum and bub well, Dad over the moon, and Grandma smitten. 

There is a tinge of sadness that my granddaughter will never know her cousin due to her fathers rejection of us all, but life goes on and there is a gorgeous little boy to get to know. 
6
I have recently received invitations to both an engagement party and a wedding where my estranged son is also likely to be on the guest list.  I vacillated for some time before deciding that I would go because I'm not quite sure how to deal with the situation if he is there.  I guess I should treat him like a total stranger and stay on the other side of the room?  Part of me wants to walk up to him and tell him to grow up, but I guess that's not a smart move.
7
This is my latest game to play with myself.  The list of possible answers in never ending.

I'm lucky because ... my dogs love to cuddle up to me.
I'm lucky because ... the sun is glinting off the raindrops.
I'm lucky because ... my husband told me I looked stunning when I dressed up for a cocktail party last night.

Why are you lucky?
8
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / My new mantra
September 27, 2012, 11:10:44 PM
Given the rift with my YS appears to be permanent, I've come up with a mantra to get me through those times, particularly during the night, when he intrudes into my thoughts. 

This is it:  'He's happy, and doing well.' 

I say it over and over in my head and it seems to help.  It's way better than stewing on the hurt and injustice of it all.  And until I have evidence to the contrary, that is what I am choosing to believe. 
9
After 2 years of silence, my younger son has finally blocked me from Facebook, probably because I posted the joyous news of his brothers impending fatherhood.  I knew this was a possibility when I posted the news, and made the decision not to walk on eggshells anymore, so why does this hurt so much? 

My DH, normally so understanding, doesn't understand why I'm so upset.  I don't understand why I'm so upset, I predicted this happening, knew in my heart that it would happen.  But it hurts, you know?  The last thread cut, the final hurrah, the final slap in the face.  From now on, I'll have no news of where he is, what he is doing, and most of painful of all, how my granddaughter is doing. 

It's hard not to think I must have been a terrible parent.  The irony is that my elder son and step daughter tell me I'm lovely, and my DIL told me this morning she is so lucky to have me as a MIL. 

Sometimes the world doesn't make any sense. 
10
Just got the news that my pregnant DILs lovely mother has breast cancer.  She lives internationally and had intended to come out when the baby came and stay for a few months to help out.  I was delighted to take a back seat for the time that she would be there, so that she and DIL could have that precious time together.  Now it looks like she won't be able to come, and DIL has asked me to come in her place (they live interstate).  While I am happy to help out, my heart just breaks for them. 
11
Grandchildren / Going to be a grandma!
July 04, 2012, 10:28:22 PM
My elder son and his wife told me yesterday that they are pregnant - well, she is.  They are thrilled and so am DH and I. 

I am sad that the little one will never know his/her cousin, my other beautiful grandchild whom I haven't had any contact with for two years now due to younger sons estrangement from all of us. 

But I'm getting out the knitting needles!
12
I'm still angry at the way my younger son and daughter in law have treated not only me, but the entire family.  I send text messages for birthdays etc, but never get a response.  Elder son and his wife email and phone regularly - he's a keyboard person and she's a talker.  Step daughter phones and drops in regularly.  All of the family feels the pain of their rejection of us, and the loss of their sweet daughter, our granddaughter and niece.  However we have lives to live and try to focus on those. 

I'm trying to move on, but seem stuck in the anger stage.  Any clues on how to move past it?
13
I'm new to the forum, but had been reading the MACHM site for a couple of weeks.  It was good to read in a post the things that have been filtering in my mind for a while.  I had an emotionally and financially deprived childhood.  My father was a stern disciplinarian who beat me regularly for my many infractions of his code of behaviour.  I had counselling a few years ago, and was asked about physical affection in my childhood.  I could remember my mother putting her arm around me when I was 14.  I froze - it was an alien feeling because nobody had ever hugged me.

When I married at 17 - largely because it was so nice that someone actually said they loved me - I found myself in an even worse situation.  My husband was unstable and abusive.  But I couldn't go home, I couldn't get out because I had no money and was socially isolated, so I just tried to soldier on and raise my kids.  I wasn't the only target for his beatings, so I began to put myself between him and the children.  Eventually I was allowed to get a job, and with that I started to gain a measure of independence.  In fact, I got three jobs so I could put my kids through a good school in the hope that a good education would free them from the life I had.  That just intensified the problem - I was starting to voice the opinions I had kept hidden for so many years and that he wouldn't tolerate.  Eventually, I defied the beatings and refused to be his doormat any more.  So he got a restraining order and kicked me out! 

Both of my kids have issues as a result of that time.  My eldest, who tried to protect me from his father, suffers depression, but is working through it, has a good job and has married recently.  He probably would be a different person if he had had a different childhood, but he is trying to make the best of it. 

In all those years of being abused, and trying to protect my children from being abused, I allowed my younger son a lot more latitude than I should have.  I gave him way too much, and did not hold him to account for things I should have.  I know that now.  He now has no room for me in his life.  It is incredibly hurtful.  He and his wife have decreed that my current husband and I are embarrassing and a bad influence on their child, so we're not allowed to see her. 

Ironically, since being thrown out of my home by my ex my life has improved incredibly.  I met and married my husband fairly soon after my divorce and with his support I had a LOT of counselling.  It helped me so much.  I am no longer paralysed by anxiety.  I learned that I am intelligent and creative, and have a great job earning a salary I never dreamed of, a lovely husband, and a close and supportive group of friends.  I travel; I have friends over for dinner.  These are things that people take for granted, but for me it is heaven. 

But there is a hole in my life.  In counselling, I learned that my younger son exhibits antisocial personality disorder - he has no empathy, and so he discards people who are of no use to him.  He has drifted in and out of my life for years.  He didn't want to live with my husband and I, so he moved in with his girlfriend and her parents.  He and his GF then moved out, but complained that the unit they rented was too noisy, they had no stability etc.  So husband and I took out a loan to buy a unit for them to live in.  The agreement was that they must pay a minimum amount of rent.  They agreed, moved in, and within two weeks he dumped GF.  He then stopped paying rent.  My elder son moved in with him to help with the rent, but younger son (who had a job) started stealing from him.  Eventually elder son told younger son to move out as he could not cope with his behaviour.  I asked him to come and live with us, but he wouldn't.  He moved in with his father for a while and blamed us for making him move out of the unit.  He then disappeared from our life for a year or so. 

He rang me one day to say he was engaged, and that his fiancée was pregnant.  I was so happy to hear from him, and thrilled that he had found someone to love, not so thrilled that they were pregnant, but tried to say the right things.  I started to give them things for the baby and all seemed OK until about a month before the baby was born when he again cut us off.  I have no idea why.  I didn't get to see my granddaughter until she was three when they visited, all smiles, and told us they had enrolled her in a private school (with fees of $12k per year), and that his fiancées parents were going to help with the fees.  I said how lovely, and that I would help with school uniforms. 

Over the next three years, I bonded with my granddaughter.  She is the sweetest thing and absolutely loved me too.  Every time I saw her, it was 'I'm going to sit next to grandma!'  I happily paid for school uniforms, swimming lessons, dance lessons etc.  I also paid for three holidays at five star resorts.  Then his fiancée started mentioning that her mother gave them her wages towards their mortgage - with the clear implication that I should too.  Well, pardon me for being selfish, but I worked like a dog to give my son a great education and he earns $100+k a year.  DiL also works.  Then I got an email telling me that they were married.  OK, I thought, play it cool, don't make a fuss, just congratulate them.  Did I say that in all this time, we weren't allowed to know where they lived?  I asked what they would like as a wedding present - as I have no way of knowing what they have - and got a noncommittal answer. 

When elder son got engaged and started planning his wedding, I got an email from DiL saying that I hadn't contributed to their wedding, but was throwing money at other son's wedding!  Um?  Very soon after that I got a string of abusive emails from them saying that I am selfish and a bad influence and they didn't attend the wedding.  We haven't had contact since.  I have emailed, and been ignored.  I have rung, left messages and been ignored. 

So, here are my conclusions.  Because I had a lousy childhood, and because I was married to a brute, I over compensated with my sons.  My eldest, because he tried to protect me, bore as much of the brunt of the abuse as I did.  Younger son took the goodies and learned to fade out of a room when he didn't like what was going on.  He fades out of relationships too.  All the tears in the world are not going to change this.  Anything I do is not going to change this.  Weirdly, one of my sisters, who rarely returns emails or phone calls started sending me emails a couple of weeks ago.  I thought it was strange, but good.  Then I got an email asking if I would go on a two overseas trips with her this year.  She is divorced, and if she went on her own would have to pay the single supplement!  Coincidentally I had already booked holidays (close to home - I want to renovate my kitchen this year) with my husband that clashed with the dates she wanted to go.  So I emailed back and told her I couldn't go - and haven't had a reply.  And finally the penny has dropped: my son is like my sister!  You can't choose your relatives, and that includes your biological children.  It is not my place to pay my sons mortgage, or his daughter's private school fees. 

Me, I have a 'time off in lieu' day today, and it has been good to get some of this stuff out of my system.  I'm going to go to the multicultural festival tomorrow, have friends to dinner tomorrow night, take those holidays, renovate my kitchen, and generally enjoy life and if that is selfish, well, call me selfish.  Life is too short to waste on people who don't care for me.