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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: cremebrulee on November 30, 2009, 09:51:54 AM

Title: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on November 30, 2009, 09:51:54 AM
Hello there,
My name is cremebrulee


I have been in several sites where DIL's rule, and have been repromanded and accussed of things I said, in general, that I was talking to them...everytime I posted, I was literally questioned or told that I insulted them...and they actually told me what I was referring to in my posts????? 

One site was opened specifically for MIL's.  We were told we'd be safe there and emailed us and asked us to come and take a look...so many of us did...and we were bullied by another woman, who was allowed to speak her mind, but the moment, we challenged her attitude, our threads were closed or we were given infractions. 

Then another woman was placed in charge, and she started allowing the DIL's in from a sister site...it was awful...many of us felt that they waited to pounce...they hated me, that's for sure. 

I was told about this site last night by a dear friend...

It's nice to see that someone is finally listening to MIL's....

Thank you for this site...and I sure hope I don't ever insult anyone in my posts.

I have dealt with a DIL problem for 13 years now....

It's alwful, heartbreaking and very life changing. 

Hugs to all of you, both DIL's and MIL's alike who are made to live this life altering situation....that many of us cannot fix.  So we become very angry at the rejection, and disconnections we are forced into...and no matter how hard we try, we loose.

Creme

Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 30, 2009, 11:39:04 AM
Sadat and Cremebrulee,
To both of you....I hope we can help.  Usually, the DILs on this board are quite supportive of us and we also try to help them.  I know what the other sites are like, believe me....you feel worse about yourself than before you started when you get on them.

That's the last thing we need.  I think you'll be safe here.  Goodness knows, we need each other with these things going on that nearly kill us.  I hope you feel free to post you stories.

Sadat, when you go to counseling, I know how you feel about paying money to get help with  having been thrown in with  a selfish, rude and controlling young woman who has the problem and not you.  It is galling!  If I hadn't found one through my church that's free, I wouldn't have done it again. 



Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on November 30, 2009, 11:58:42 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on November 30, 2009, 11:39:04 AM
Sadat and Cremebrulee,
To both of you....I hope we can help.  Usually, the DILs on this board are quite supportive of us and we also try to help them.  I know what the other sites are like, believe me....you feel worse about yourself than before you started when you get on them.

That's the last thing we need.  I think you'll be safe here.  Goodness knows, we need each other with these things going on that nearly kill us.  I hope you feel free to post you stories.

Sadat, when you go to counseling, I know how you feel about paying money to get help with  having been thrown in with  a selfish, rude and controlling young woman who has the problem and not you.  It is galling!  If I hadn't found one through my church that's free, I wouldn't have done it again.

Actually, I believe you are one of the gals who came to my rescue on one of those sites...and they immediately threw you off and tried to discredit you in public....I never was able to thank you for that...so I'd like to now....they hated me, and anyone who stuck up for me....

big hugs, glad I found you again....'


Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 30, 2009, 12:08:50 PM
I'm really afraid of them, Cremebrulee but yes, that was me.  They are vicious....there are no adequate words for them. 

You are welcome...what they did and said to you is just beneath contempt.  I do not know how they can sleep at night but they do, obviously.

Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 30, 2009, 06:31:31 PM
Nothing would surprise me with them, though....one could be looking at this site right now. 
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: mom2 on November 30, 2009, 07:41:05 PM
Creme,

Thanks for joining us . I am not sure you will find an answer here ( I'm not sure there is an answer ) but you will find out that you are not alone.. a lot of our sad stories are alike in so many ways.. it must be mil/dil syndrome or something.

I find the input of the dils on this site to be quite helpful in trying to figure out what my own dil may be thinking.


Sadat,

I do hope the counseling helps . keep us updated.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 1dilwhosreal on December 01, 2009, 01:29:48 PM
Good afternoon, Peeps.  I'm sure some of you won't be happy to see me. ;)

I want to say I'm sorry to some of you.  A long time ago I was a bad DIL.  I was not human the way I treated some of you.  I was wrong.

What I learned is that you were right.  I'm so sorry that I didn't listen to you.  It would have saved me so much heartache.

My son found a girl.  She is evil, vile, dispicable.  Although I swore I wasn't going to make the same mistakes that my evil MIL did, I fear I lost him forever.

He's not married.  Nooo, he doesn't believe in marriage despite the good upbringing I gave him and the good example his father and I provided.  He's living with his girlfriend who says she is expecting his baby.  This is her 3rd baby and the 3rd father. 

I told him to get a paternity test and get a custody order if he's not going to marry her.  I told him that I wasn't treating the other 2 kids like they were my grandchildren because they're not.  They have their own daddys and their own grandmoms.  That's what IT said to me! I'm not their grandmom!  But she wants me to give her money and presents for them like they were.   >:( They don't need me and I sure don't need them.  Why should I have to treat them like their mine if I'm not treated like I'm theirs?

Anyways, I'm sorry.  You were right all along and I was wrong.  Now I'm paying for it.  I know you won't forgive me.  That's okay.  I don't deserve it.  I wish I had listened a long time ago. There's no hope for me now. :(
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 01, 2009, 01:56:13 PM
It's okay......we all learn from our mistakes.  :)

Do you have other children?  I thought you did....
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 1dilwhosreal on December 01, 2009, 02:57:52 PM
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you for forgiving me so quickly.

Yes.  I made many mistakes.

I don't have any other children.  I lied about having other children because I didn't want you to be right about losing him.  I didn't want to admit that you were so wise to know that he would leave me.  I didn't want you to know how pathetic my life would be without him. 

How did I go so wrong?  How can I fix this? 

I hope all the other DILs out there are reading this.  You will also be alone if you only have sons.  They will leave you.  I never thought it would happen to me but here I am.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 01, 2009, 03:07:46 PM
No, no, no!  This doesn't always happen.....sometimes you get a really nice Daughter in law who doesn't act like this.  They are never on internet boards, though. 

We don't want to be right....I can speak for all of us, we wouldn't wish this on our worst enemy.  It's too painful. 

You most likely didn't do anything wrong....first of all, after 16 years, I've come to realize that you just get a lemon sometimes.  You haven't lost him.....he's still there, just hidden for the time being.  He'll wake up but don't beat yourself up like we have in the meantime.

Just give us a little time; we're afraid, I think you've seen us talk about some DILs from the past who treated us with really unbelievable cruelty.  We want to help you but need to be sure..... :)

We are lucky here, though....Luise will not allow it. 

Good wishes to you and let us know if we can help.

Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 01, 2009, 03:31:45 PM
Hi Creme!!

  How are you doin?  I know you from some other places - I was maura!!  Remember?

   Glad you could come on over.  Better get, me and hubby have a wake to go to :(

   
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 01, 2009, 03:36:34 PM
Quote from: 1dilwhosreal on December 01, 2009, 01:29:48 PM
Good afternoon, Peeps.  I'm sure some of you won't be happy to see me. ;)

I want to say I'm sorry to some of you.  A long time ago I was a bad DIL.  I was not human the way I treated some of you.  I was wrong.

What I learned is that you were right.  I'm so sorry that I didn't listen to you.  It would have saved me so much heartache.

My son found a girl.  She is evil, vile, dispicable.  Although I swore I wasn't going to make the same mistakes that my evil MIL did, I fear I lost him forever.

He's not married.  Nooo, he doesn't believe in marriage despite the good upbringing I gave him and the good example his father and I provided.  He's living with his girlfriend who says she is expecting his baby.  This is her 3rd baby and the 3rd father. 

I told him to get a paternity test and get a custody order if he's not going to marry her.  I told him that I wasn't treating the other 2 kids like they were my grandchildren because they're not.  They have their own daddys and their own grandmoms.  That's what IT said to me! I'm not their grandmom!  But she wants me to give her money and presents for them like they were.   >:( They don't need me and I sure don't need them.  Why should I have to treat them like their mine if I'm not treated like I'm theirs?

Anyways, I'm sorry.  You were right all along and I was wrong.  Now I'm paying for it.  I know you won't forgive me.  That's okay.  I don't deserve it.  I wish I had listened a long time ago. There's no hope for me now. :(

welcome 1dilwhosreal.  Were you a dil from the site we are all talking about??  Just wondering.  And now you're a mil?   
    Wonderin why you'd go to a site basically FOR and BY mils with an ID of a dil??????
     Hmmmmm.....
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: AnnieB on December 01, 2009, 04:36:37 PM
@cremebrulee:  Welcome to our little world, good that you are here.  I love your name! 

*****

@1dil, Who were you when here before?  If you are apologizing, would be good to know -- how come the new name?  I'm confused.  (btw, It would be good to start a thread in a new place as this is kinda cremebrulee's though she's probably kind enough to share :)  )

Welcome back whoever you were.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: mom2 on December 01, 2009, 08:31:11 PM
1dilwhosreal,

Hello and welcome. I don't know you as I am kinda new myself but I will say it takes guts to admit to being wrong; I admire you for that !!

I  have a daughter as well as a son but, in my case, having the daughter didn't help with the pain and shock of losing my son.

I understand your hurt and frustration but ( just my opinion ) I would try to treat the other two children as my grandkids even though they may not treat you the same... only good could come from that and it reflects on you as a person.

Good luck and I hope the best for you.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 02, 2009, 06:40:16 AM
Just a head's up:  there is a bona fide 1dilwhosreal somewhere else.  This 1dilwhosreal here who claimed right out she lied -- here's a direct quote from recent post:
Quote..."I don't have any other children.  I lied about having other children because I didn't want you to be right about losing him."
Well isn't that special?  What else might this person be lying about? 

Why this person wouldn't come here and use a "1milwhosreal" user ID instead of using someone else's causes me to wonder.  Personally I am glad none of MY previous ID's were used but still, it isn't fair. 

  Seems trollish to me. 


Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: Pen on December 02, 2009, 07:14:45 AM
Had the same thought - something seems 'off' here. I hope I'm wrong, but that's the vibe.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 03, 2009, 07:42:39 AM
Quote from: penstamen on December 02, 2009, 07:14:45 AM
Had the same thought - something seems 'off' here. I hope I'm wrong, but that's the vibe.

Will be on the lookout for 1milwhosreal now.   ;D
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: AnnieB on December 03, 2009, 10:46:56 AM
Yep ditto.... although I thought the poster sounded vaguely familiar, just.. not quite right...
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 10, 2009, 11:50:03 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 01, 2009, 03:07:46 PM
No, no, no!  This doesn't always happen.....sometimes you get a really nice Daughter in law who doesn't act like this.  They are never on internet boards, though. 

We don't want to be right....I can speak for all of us, we wouldn't wish this on our worst enemy.  It's too painful. 

You most likely didn't do anything wrong....first of all, after 16 years, I've come to realize that you just get a lemon sometimes.  You haven't lost him.....he's still there, just hidden for the time being.  He'll wake up but don't beat yourself up like we have in the meantime.

Just give us a little time; we're afraid, I think you've seen us talk about some DILs from the past who treated us with really unbelievable cruelty.  We want to help you but need to be sure..... :)

We are lucky here, though....Luise will not allow it. 

Good wishes to you and let us know if we can help.

Not every son leaves his mother mentally...but, yes, all of our sons leave when they marry...and life as you knew it will never be the same...it hurts awful and is so despairing when a son marrys a jealous dysfunctional selfish insecure person...but as I said before, if you fight it, you will end up more alone then you've ever felt before.  There is really nothing you can do.  One of my cousin's went thru this in the beginning, she told me she vowed to herself, that she would never ever be anything but a lady, b/c someday, she knew she'd have grandkids...so, she sucked it up...I wish now I had....I mean that...you can't win and never will and what's more important, winning at all costs and loosing your son, or keeping your mouth shut and never vent to your son about her.  Ever!!!!!  Just pretend you like her and never speak cruely of her or to her...no matter what....

as far as buying gifts for them, you don't have to....but I wouldn't treat one better then the other, I would treat them all equally.  I love kids so it wouldn't be a problem for me...

but remember, please, hateful words and feelings only begats hate...and whatever bad karma you put out there, you will only get back in return....to actually do good, is much harder...to not hate is much harder...it's easy to be mean...manipulative...don't allow her to bring you down to her level.

And by the way, I don't care what DIL's from those other sites read what I have to say....they were mean and unthinking, and not all of them, but some of them were awful.

I wrote things that had nothing to do with them...and they got all bent out of shape, accusing me of writing about them?????  That, my friends was they're guilt. 

They took offense to my beliefs...I wrote once about allowing your husband....and they went off on me...they were insulted, b/c they ane they're husbands do EVERYTHING together? 
I encouraged my husband to have dates with his mom, yes mom dates...to take her to dinner...it made her happy...and gave them quality time together.  I believe strongly, these women who are wrong about they're MIL's, well, they're hate and jealousy will come back on them two fold when they're sons get married.  The old saying, what goes around comes around, and you get back what you dish out....

and I'm not referring to you 1dilwhosereal...only you know in your heart what the truth is...but if your playing games....I can only say, I feel very sorry for you....


thank you for this website and many thanks to all you ladies who have welcomed me....

I really do hope things work out for all of us...what I would suggest is counseling and working on you...and not hating her...when I did that, things started to get better, and let me tell you, it's hard work...very hard not to hate...but your life gets easier, and you will regress, but you will notice having better days...even if its babysteps.  It is not easy...especially when all your friends have such lovely DIL's. 

What bothers us the most is, we lost our sons to people who they don't deserve...and it worrys you, that if she can treat you that unkindly, be so manipulative and selfish, unaware, that you wonder what kind of life your son is living, and it makes you so sad...doesn't it. 



Hugs
Creme
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on November 30, 2009, 12:08:50 PM
I'm really afraid of them, Cremebrulee but yes, that was me.  They are vicious....there are no adequate words for them. 

You are welcome...what they did and said to you is just beneath contempt.  I do not know how they can sleep at night but they do, obviously.



Don't be afraid of them, there is nothing they can do to hurt you any longer...
remember, harsh words and bad karma comes back to haunt, like a bad penny....those girls have a lot of growing up to do, some of them will, some might, and some never do...they own their husbands....and that's how they think....and they don't care who they hurt...it was most evident in the way they talked to me...they were just like my DIL...but they can't hurt you...they are very angry girls...and more then fear them, I feel very sorry for them, b/c they have no awareness or care what they are doing to they're husbands.  It's a real shame when you treat your husband like a commodity...and effect so many other lives in a very negative way....

Hugs to ya...
Creme
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 10, 2009, 01:51:39 PM
Dear Cremebrulee,
If the people on this site could see another site, where I'm looking now, they would not believe what they are seeing.  The way these girls talk to you is....there are no words for it!! 

How in the world can they talk to you like that?  It would KILL me. Plus, I don't know if I could live through it and keep on.  Mentally, they are trying to murder you.  They have so much hate in them that their lives must be pure H E Double Toothpicks!!!  And worse!
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 05:17:43 AM
Hi Chickie
It's easy for them to do...and doesn't bother them in the least...they have a mind set, that I'm their very own MIL...so everything I say is intended for them, as far as they're concerned...they tell themselves, and each other, that I'm a bad person...I was told that they mocked me?  I dunno...only they know the answer to that...but we were lied to...the woman that ran one of those websites came to another forum to contact me and she contacted other MIL's.  She said a site was being created for just us, and we'd be safe there, that DIL's wouldn't be allowed...she left, and another woman took over, and she allowed DIL's in.  In an argument we were having, stating our claims that we were told that was our site...no DIL's were allowed, I copied and pasted the DM that was sent to me from the first woman.  Guess what, I was given an infraction for telling the truth...those two sites, well, many have said to me before, there is something very fishy about them.  And one of those women, would contact me and tell me they were talking about me on other DIL sites, just to sucker me back in again...and when I went back, and someone would start to hammer me, or accuse me, she would allow them to have their say, but when I tried to defend myself...she would close the thread, or one of the other DIL's would close it.  Really weird, but they either like you or they don't, and if they don't, boy the claws come out.  I don't care...really....b/c as I've stated so many times...what goes around comes around and when your mean to someone, someday, it will be returned to you.  And I don't me you, I mean people in general.  LOL...so, if they have sons, they're day is coming...believe me...I read in the Bible, somewhere, the Sins of the Father fall upon the Son...and it's so true...your children grow up to think and believe as you do...you have a temper, chances are, your children will...if you lie, your  children will...if you are mean spirited, your children will be....and so on.

Cream
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 05:31:44 AM
I know exactly what you're talking about.  Creme, they have a murdering intent for you, there is no doubt about it.  Not real murder but murder indeed.

I was looking (why?!!!!) on there last night and what was said was that the DIL would ensure that her DH would go along with what she wanted, that he was not quite on board with the cutoff from his parents but was going to be.

OH!!!!  Why do I look at those things???  I'm trying to murder ME by looking at them!!!  It  hurts so much and they know it.  I don't understand how these people can live with themselves.  They thrive, though.  What sad lives they have if all they do is get an MIL on the site and try to make her worse than she already is.

Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: Glitterati on December 11, 2009, 05:35:03 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 05:17:43 AMLOL...so, if they have sons, they're day is coming...believe me...I read in the Bible, somewhere, the Sins of the Father fall upon the Son...and it's so true...your children grow up to think and believe as you do...you have a temper, chances are, your children will...if you lie, your  children will...if you are mean spirited, your children will be....and so on.  Cream

Uh...Creme...what do you see when you apply that statement to yourself?  Why would it apply to one if not to all?  Did you mean to say something else...or do you just not think the statement you made applies to you?

I lurked on several other sites over the last few years that you've been on.  There were people who slammed you; some were downright mean--and some of them even had their hands slapped for it.  BUT, there were just as many who tried to help, and you didn't want to hear any of it if it wasn't 100% rah, rah, rah to your side.

I truly hope you find some peace soon.  It sucks to be stuck in the same emotional rut and to not be able to to be unwilling to move forward.  I've been there...and from your past and current postings...it seems you may be, too.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: Glitterati on December 11, 2009, 05:38:12 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 05:31:44 AM
I was looking (why?!!!!) on there last night and what was said was that the DIL would ensure that her DH would go along with what she wanted, that he was not quite on board with the cutoff from his parents but was going to be.

I think mil's look at "dil" sites and dil's look at "mil" sites because we want to know what the other side thinks.  At least some do.   I think some want it as a learning experience and some want it as validation of their own experiences and some want to use it to gather ammunition.  Lots of reasons, I think; some good, some bad.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 05:38:32 AM
I have never seen any one of them take her side.  I don't stay long but I've only seen pure hate for Creme.  Brutal hate.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 05:39:29 AM
This is the only MIL site.  There are no others.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: Glitterati on December 11, 2009, 05:42:39 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 05:38:32 AM
I have never seen any one of them take her side.  I don't stay long but I've only seen pure hate for Creme.  Brutal hate.

I saw some of the moderators try to help her.  I saw some try to get through to her.  In trying to help her they didn't 100% agree with her...but that's not always what helping is about.  Eventually, most of those who did try to help got tired and went tough love.

That's my perception as a lurker...I never posted on the other boards.  I just read.  I saw some really reasonable people there...and I saw some really unreasonable people there. 
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: Glitterati on December 11, 2009, 05:45:03 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 05:39:29 AM
This is the only MIL site.  There are no others.

There was another one.  Not any longer.  Very little traffic on it.

I'm sure other sites exist...the web is too big for them not to be there.

I've seen Creme's story on multiple sites about mils, dils, and families over the last several years.  Unless it is someone else using the name Creme brulee.  Which I guess it could be--but the issues are identical.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 05:49:07 AM
Yes, there was another one where we were promised to be treated with respect.  We weren't;  all MILs were kicked off. 

This is it for us.  The web is big but not for the Mother of a son.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 05:51:19 AM
Anna, they thrive...they not only live but they thrive.  If an MIL gets on there they PM each other scheming to take her down.  It is truly disgusting and "murder by words".   They thrive. :(
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 06:02:49 AM
Quote from: Anna on December 11, 2009, 05:37:53 AM
Creme, I worry about what kind of life my son & grandchildren are having constantly.  I don't want to cause him any more pain, but I also want to see my grandchildren.  It is hard.  I love my son dearly & want him to be happy, BUT it ticks me off no end when he allows his wife to treat us unfairly because of HER insecurities.  She says no just because she has the power to do that.  She finds any & every loophole to keep us from spending quality time with our grandchildren.  The last time we went out with my son, dil, & grandchildren, dil seemed resentful, & granddaughter did nothing but whine (GD probably picked up on her moms feelings, I don't think dil wanted to go), so we were all upitght.  She always has some lame excuse why we can't do this or that.  Even something as simple as taking grandchildren to a movie.  I am just so tired of her antics, & wish son would put a stop to them.  I know son agrees with us, he has told us dil is unreasonable, but won't do anything about it because he doesn't want to listen to dil go on about it for months.  He is also afraid of her temper.  She has done some scary things in the past.

Your son and my son won't do anything about it, b/c if he tries...there will be hell to pay...believe me....I have seen my son in action...he forgot I was there, all he was worried about and so nervous about, was that he went along with the men when they were cracking jokes about marriage...

Yes, it is human nature to want the best for your children...and when something like this happens, the only thing you can do is say to
yourself, "This is HIS Life, HIS decission, it's his turn to live life, and if he chooses to do it unwisely, then so be it. 

When are children are small, they're faily easy to raise, but when they grow up and leave the house...that is when the heartaches start...and there is nothing we can do...we no longer have control over they're lives...they know what's going on...they would just prefer to stick they're heads in the sand...and no matter what, they're is nothing YOU or I can do about it...and quit frankly I wouldn't want to...b/c for some reason, they are going thru they're very own, natural process of life....will there be damage done to they're children, my grand daughter, heck yeah....but that is not for us to say...the only thing we can do, is be there for them, if and when they need someone someday...and never, ever talk against her...

Your son, also has a lot to loose...remember, you said children...therefore, if he leaves, he looses everything...do you realize, how difficult it is for a man, to pay support and alimony, and then he does finally meet a decent girl, and he cannot afford both families.  Very sad....

And your son and mine are not free from the guilt of this.  I blame my son even more then her...for not putting down his foot from the very beginning.  He told me once, a long time ago, that she was so bad, he was going to leave her...I wish he would have....he is trapped now, he loves his daughter, he knows, her mother made a living out of marrying men all her life, and then taking them for all she could get...her mother never worked a day in her life?  And my DIL, would take my son to the cleaners...believe me....

Hey, it's his choice...it's your son's choice...there is nothing we can do, but pray.  Sorry, I know how painful it is to hear that.  I really do.

As far as the other DIL sites...believe me, they do feed off of it, like Chickie has stated...but, there are, some nice DIL's there to, they just fear not going along with the crowd...they are followers, unable to make they're own decissions...so, they follow the bullies....yanno?



Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 06:35:09 AM
Anna, be glad that your son has the courage to say, "I know, Mom"....that means the world!!
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 07:17:44 AM
Quote from: Anna on December 11, 2009, 05:46:01 AM
I have to admit that I peeked at one of those sites & was horrified, absolutely horrified.  I never felt that way about my mil.  Oh, we had our problems. but I always respected her, & applauded her for the wonderful job she did raising my husband.  She did not have an easy time.  With 4 children she was left on her own, & she did the best she could.  We have a wonderful, loving, relationship now.  The women on "those" sites are so hateful.  How can they live like that?  Glad I don't have that much hate in my heart !!!

My own MIL was intruding...and could sometimes be a pain, but she had a good side as well...she cared....it was just that she was used to being independent and she raised her brothers...so she was used to being the matron...

I could not have lived with myself if I would have tried to estrange my husband from her...it's just not right.

I believe there are just as many bad MIL's out there, as well as DIL's...but, there are also some very good ones, who were just very passionate and entergetic about having a DIL and probably stepped over boundaries...also, when your young and first married, a yound DIL sometimes takes a MIL's suggestions as berating her, when it is not meant that way at all...

And as far as that comment, the sins of the father's shall befall the son's...I meant me and every single one of us...but, it was directed in that post, at those DIL's who are unfair and cruel to their MIL's.  Beleive me, if I'm wrong I'll get my share back to....

Some of those DIL's did try to help in the beginning, but then, one of them said..."OH, I could be cooking dinner, but instead I'm in here trying to help you"....sheeesh? 

And yes, they were giving me they're points of view...but they were not seeing or refused to acknowledge the awful things my DIL did, they were excusing her actions...and then when I tried to defend my postion, of course I was wrong and she was right.  They were DIL's and saw me as they're own...so, there was nothing I could have said or done, that would have changed they're minds....

A normal person, does not willing estranger her husband and her children from the MIL.  or Inlaws, unless they're is an substance abuse or abuse problem of any kind...

If you don't like your MIL...you still would encourage your husband to remain close to his family...if you love your husband, and really understand what love is...you don't whine to him about his mother...that is disrespectful and very selfish.  A mother and son, need to have a relationship and believe me, I know many, many DIL's who have no problems with their MIL's.  They don't have a reason to be in here writing, therefore they're not here, but if they were, and saw what some DIL's write they would also hammer them. 

I read once a woman, was not even married yet....and she didn't say why but her inlaws to be, would not pay for the liqure at their wedding....therefore, she made a statement saying..."when we're married, they will never see they're son again, or they're grandchildren".  Literally, that man was in for a big surprise...and a very sad life ahead.

You don't have to like people...not everyone sees eye to eye....but to be down right cruel...nasty and estrange your husband from his family is cruel....and the husbands go along with it to keep peace...they don't want problems and are afraid to put they're foot down. 

I work with nothing but young girls my DIL's age, and do not have a problem with any of them...never had a problem with my SIL's, and the one I didn't care for...the other, I loved dearly...but...to disrespect each other, to be mean to each other, to actually estrange your husband and put him in a position that he feels like he has to choose, is down right evil.  OK, so you don't get along with her...so what...you don't go out of your way to be mean, and to let her know she is not welcome...you tolerate it and be kind....for the small amount of time we're together, there is no reason why things can't be worked out...but no, we've got play out this huge drama scene that our MIL's are so evil, so cruel....so that they're husband's have to go along with them...that is so unfair.  Suck it up and ignore some things...I wish I had...I really do. 

My DIL told me off...she was thowing things away that I was sending my GD...lotsa money spent there...found everything wrong with what I sent my GD...why?  Because she wants to be the only one to give to her...
My DIL yelled at me, that I never ask to talk to her, that I never call her, (this was when she was pregnant)  I didn't think she wanted me to, after the way she treated me?  I knew she hated me from the start.  So, I started calling her...a lot...she never answered the phone and only returned phone calls if I said something to my son.

She said to my son once, (just to give you an idea) do you think I should call your mother?(she was playing her game) If she wanted to really call me, she wouldn't have asked him his permission, she was pretending to care. 

She was angry at me, b/c I wouldn't eat breakfast, yet my son told her before I came, I don't eat breakfast, so what does she do, she puts out this big spread....and I couldn't eat...and oh, she was so hurt?  Hog wash, that was deliberate, just like everything else she does.

So, when they came to my house, several times, what does she do, she barely eats.  I even invited her to join us in a Super Bowl Day event, while my son was working...she said, sure, she'd come.  She comes, asks whose coming and leaves 2 minutes later...did I get upset...NO!  Maybe something else came up?  Maybe she wasn't feeling good?  Maybe she was tired, cuz she just got off of work and what sounded good before, now, all she wanted to do was to get home and unwind?

Have I gotten over this, no, I never will...as I said, some days are great, others are very sad...and it's so easy for someone else to tell you to move on, especially those who are not going thru this...or DIL's.  This is a LIFE CHANGING EVENT, it tears your heart out...in my case, my DIL and son live far away...we only saw each other maybe twice a year...but it bothers her so much when we are together that she is deprived of attention from him, that she acts out...even if that means, getting up in the middle of a conversation and walking out of the house...how rude is that...but, he follows, b/c he doesn't know what's going on, he is embarrassed and what that does is set the scene for another rejection from her, she got his attention back, didn't she? 

If when my son was young, one of his friends who came to the house acted like that once, they would no longer be welcome!  I'm talking we had 6 - 8 kids in and out for years...and they were all good kids...so was my son...but, he spent his most formative years, watching his father suck it up, while his step mother nagged his father to death...and thinks his wife's behavior is normal.  It is not only not normal, but, it is unacceptable...would she treat anyone else like this?  No...she restrains....why?  My son's friends told me, when they got together all they did was talk about what an awesome cook I was....how they enjoyed me, they'd share stories...she was never close to her mother, so, that scared her...she feared my son loving me more then her...so, she set out to destroy it...and she did.

Am I over it...never...not unless she changes her attitude, and we sit down and talk...but, she can't....say, yanno, Creme, I was wrong, I'm sorry...then I'd say, yanno, I'm really sorry you took things like that, I didn't mean them the way they must have sounded, I understand now...poof, forgotten and forgiven...but when a person refuses to sit down and talk, that means, they don't want to...and never will...







Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: Pen on December 11, 2009, 07:35:26 AM
Wow. Again, my heart goes out to all the MILs who have to deal with these hurtful situations!

Luckily for DH and me, so far, DS has stood up for his right to see us. At least we get to see him sometimes, although it frequently feels like we get the leftovers. My dad had the same problem with my stepmother -  he had to sneak around to visit me because of her jealousy. She was/is really cruel to me. Honestly, I'm no threat...just a bumbling, regular gal of no particular distinction. When it isn't sad, it's pretty amusing ;D
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 07:42:39 AM
Quote from: penstamen on December 11, 2009, 07:35:26 AM
Wow. Again, my heart goes out to all the MILs who have to deal with these hurtful situations!

Luckily for DH and me, so far, DS has stood up for his right to see us. At least we get to see him sometimes, although it frequently feels like we get the leftovers. My dad had the same problem with my stepmother -  he had to sneak around to visit me because of her jealousy. She was/is really cruel to me. Honestly, I'm no threat...just a bumbling, regular gal of no particular distinction. When it isn't sad, it's pretty amusing ;D

I'm so sorry this is happening to you...but proud of your son, that is the way it should be.

If his wife or any man's wife, do not like the inlaws...then he should say..."

"OK, you don't have to like them....but you do have to understand, that I have to and will continue a relationship with my family...when I go over, your more then welcome to come along, but if you do, you behave yourself and I won't have you beratting my family, or them you...it works both ways"

When men do that right from the get go, it usually works...but to let something like this go on for years and years, is just so ridiculous.  And one of the comments my son made was...."Well, you know a lot of inlaws don't get a long"....he is always excusing the fact....

I told my one Girlfriend that, the one who has 5 DIL's...and she went balistic...there are a lot more inlaws that get along then not...and she said, yours is the extreme...he knows her, he knows you, how in the world can he not be seeing what is going on?

Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: isitme? on December 11, 2009, 07:55:03 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 07:42:39 AM
I won't have you beratting my family, or them you...it works both ways"

It DOES work both ways.  I feel so terrible for you ladies with these mean DILs.  The truth is you DO suffer more because you are losing a son in the process.  It sounds like many of you try to respect your DILs but don't get it back.  But if you DID berate her, would you expect your son to stand up for her and tell YOU to treat her with respect?  Or would you expect him to keep quiet and let you say what you wanted to because you are his mother?

Why is it that we rarely hear from MIL's about losing their daughters?  Do girls just naturally stay closer to their mom's? (in my experience this has been a mixed bag... lost my own mother young but have female friends and family members with differing levels of relationships with their own moms.. from hardly ever speaking to being SUPER close... most fall somewhere in-between).  Or is it that MILs have different expectations from their sons than from daughters?  I know people like to pull out the whole oedipal thing - but that's not always the case is it?
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 08:02:39 AM
To answer your question, I would expect my son to be fair...and to call me on my mistakes right away...as well as his wife...it would be a start, wouldn't it?  We could all sit down and discuss it...and then, poof, gone, and moving forward, like most people do...for her to hate me for this many years...and I haven't seen my GD in four years now...can you imagine?  She'll also teach her to dislike me...but yet, when they lived at home for a year, I was ok to babysit every single weekend...yanno when they left, she never said, took me aside and said, "Thanks for all you did for us"....she picked apart the fact that b/c I took my Grand daughter out for breakfast every sunday morning, she insists I gave her coke?  I did nothing of the sorts, but I just let her talk...and that's when my son should intervien and say?  How do you know she gave her coke, and why do you bring that up all the time...? 

Or maybe I should have said something to that effect?  Fought my own battles...?  I used to think she was pushing me on purpose to snap in front of my son, and I didn't...I'd just clam up...big time...and kept telling myself...keep your mouth shut creme, keep it shut....LOL

I dunno? 
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: isitme? on December 11, 2009, 08:11:33 AM
that sounds totally reasonable.  Any person should be called out on their bad behavior.  Whether it is a MIL or DIL, sometimes they react very badly to this however, and it trains the poor guy to just keep quiet because he doesn't want to get caught in the middle OR get in trouble himself.  But then whoever is gettign attacked (the innocent MIL or DIL) gets attacked.  and no one puts a stop to it.  and everybody gets hurt and suffers. 

I would LOVE it if when my FMIL is sniping at me or even saying terrible things about me behind my back, if my BF could just say "mom, I love you but I"m not going to let you talk about her that way"  or even a more stronger worded "what you're saying is not true etc. etc.".  But they can't do this and it's very hurtful that they don't.

Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 08:14:01 AM
QuoteGlitterati

I truly hope you find some peace soon.  It sucks to be stuck in the same emotional rut and to not be able to to be unwilling to move forward.  I've been there...and from your past and current postings...it seems you may be, too.

Polize don't patronize me, and pretend with nice words.  I'm not at all stuck in an emotional rut...what changes have occured in my life have been purposeful...I've grown stronger, and have been able to help and sympathize with a lot of women who have or are going thru this....learned from them to, since I started writing about it...learned a lot...so, sorry if I'm not all thankful for your post, but I'm still gunshy from DIL's or woman that found it much more inportant to be a follower and in a click to post contradictory stuff like this to me, and then go back and email each other and write each other, laughing, mocking and egging me on.  I didn't get it then, but now I'm gunshy...so if your legitiment..I apologize, but something tells me, your words wouldn't have come out the same way if you were.

And yes, of course, why would you take it any other way?  it works both ways...whatever I dish out in life, I get back two fold....

Creme


Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 08:16:36 AM
Quote from: isitme? on December 11, 2009, 08:11:33 AM
that sounds totally reasonable.  Any person should be called out on their bad behavior.  Whether it is a MIL or DIL, sometimes they react very badly to this however, and it trains the poor guy to just keep quiet because he doesn't want to get caught in the middle OR get in trouble himself.  But then whoever is gettign attacked (the innocent MIL or DIL) gets attacked.  and no one puts a stop to it.  and everybody gets hurt and suffers. 

I would LOVE it if when my FMIL is sniping at me or even saying terrible things about me behind my back, if my BF could just say "mom, I love you but I"m not going to let you talk about her that way"  or even a more stronger worded "what you're saying is not true etc. etc.".  But they can't do this and it's very hurtful that they don't.

Yup, I hear ya...and it should be that way....and think about this....if they would call us on each other, it would open the door to conversing about the situation...yanno?
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 08:17:35 AM
Isitme, your BF should protect you.  My DH tries to keep the peace at all cost so therefore, I don't feel protected. He just sits there and doesn't say a word.  He sees me devastated and tries to get me to feel better. 

He will say occasionally, "this has been the most hurtful thing of my life". Then,  he'll change the **((*$#)*##*# subject. PUKEHEAD SCUMBUCKET SWEET GUY

Men must be like that.  I think it's terrible. 
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 08:25:29 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 08:17:35 AM
Isitme, your BF should protect you.  My DH tries to keep the peace at all cost so therefore, I don't feel protected. He just sits there and doesn't say a word.  He sees me devastated and tries to get me to feel better. 

He will say occasionally, "this has been the most hurtful thing of my life". Then,  he'll change the **((*$#)*##*# subject. PUKEHEAD SCUMBUCKET SWEET GUY

Men must be like that.  I think it's terrible.


LOL...laughing with ya dear...
I agree, but can't help but find humor in it as well....
men...????? 

Yanno, if we are so bad...how can our DIL's love their husbands so much...we raised them, they are part of us????? 

Think about it.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 08:26:45 AM
OMG, I do come with spectators...don't I, there were over 640 views on this thread...can you imagine?  The DIL's I guess, the ones from the other sites...Sheesh... ::)
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: isitme? on December 11, 2009, 08:28:57 AM
thanks.  I think it helps me to hear that it's not wrong of my to expect my BF to stand up for me and protect me.   I don't want him to have to do this by cutting out his mother!  But it's so hurtful that he just sits back and takes it.  He let's her talk about him that way as well.  It took me a while to see it but one day we were at FMIL's house and she was just going on and on about what terrible career choices he had made and how he had never done anything worthwhile because he was interested in being an "academic" (like me) which doesn't make any money.  I thought she was being really really unfair to him but I didn't say anything because I thought it wasn't my place to get involved in an argument between him and his mother.  but now I"m finding out that she has NEVER supported him.  To the outside world I think she brags about him, but privately she abuses him like this.  Telling him he has never done anything right.  OMG, he is an MD and also has a JD from Yale!  He once told me that he felt I was the only one who had ever given him any support in his life.  I almost cried when he said that because I felt so bad and I had always assumed he came from a close family.  He's such a wonderful person.  I have to give his mom at least the credit for raising him.  But now I"m noticing that he has issues that stem from all these things.  He can't directly stand up to her for himself, and now he can't directly stand up to her for me.  And that hurts me in so many ways.  I have a harder time trusting him now but I also feel bad seeing this family relationship erode away. 

I'm sorry your husband also doesn't say anything.  You know, we are always going back and forth about what DIL did and how she is and what MIL said and what's she's like, but how often do we look at the MEN involved and examine the role they play in all of this?  Men really are different from women....  :o
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: Glitterati on December 11, 2009, 08:32:49 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 08:14:01 AM
QuoteGlitterati

I truly hope you find some peace soon.  It sucks to be stuck in the same emotional rut and to not be able to to be unwilling to move forward.  I've been there...and from your past and current postings...it seems you may be, too.

Polize don't patronize me, and pretend with nice words.  I'm not at all stuck in an emotional rut...what changes have occured in my life have been purposeful...I've grown stronger, and have been able to help and sympathize with a lot of women who have or are going thru this....learned from them to, since I started writing about it...learned a lot...so, sorry if I'm not all thankful for your post, but I'm still gunshy from DIL's or woman that found it much more inportant to be a follower and in a click to post contradictory stuff like this to me, and then go back and email each other and write each other, laughing, mocking and egging me on.  I didn't get it then, but now I'm gunshy...so if your legitiment..I apologize, but something tells me, your words wouldn't have come out the same way if you were.

And yes, of course, why would you take it any other way?  it works both ways...whatever I dish out in life, I get back two fold....

Creme

The intent wasn't patronizing.  As I said...I was a lurker.  I don't know about any pm's or emails that occurred among the registered members.

I wondered about the bolded...because it seemed to say parenting was gonna come back and bite dil's in the butt as far as future relationships with their dil's.  If thats the case...then rather than your son acting the way he acts because of dil...why wouldn't it be because of your parenting?  That's how I took it...but I don't think that's how it was meant.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 08:34:55 AM
Yes, Creme, you do come with guests!!! ;) They walk among us.

In answer to your question about how I felt when this first happened?  Shock, denial, like death.  I couldn't believe it was happening.  I went to everyone, everywhere, crying, stunned.  I had the misfortune of going on some of the hate sites, looking for answers.

And yes, they brought out their friends and were nice at first and then all pounced on me.  It made me feel like real people were hurting me again.  I thought I'd never be able to sort it out until Luise so graciously allowed this site.  I told her that there would be some interest.  :P :o

Double Wowza.  Holy Moly....

It's been 16 years.  I am nearly done and I will tell you that aside from being left when my Mother died, there has been nothing that has nearly killed me like this.

These girls are too young to understand.  They will and my Grandmother's words will become true....."be SURE your sins will find you out"

I just wonder what I'm paying for to get this?  Must have done something wrong.  I blame me.

Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 08:35:29 AM
Quote from: isitme? on December 11, 2009, 08:28:57 AM
thanks.  I think it helps me to hear that it's not wrong of my to expect my BF to stand up for me and protect me.   I don't want him to have to do this by cutting out his mother!  But it's so hurtful that he just sits back and takes it.  He let's her talk about him that way as well.  It took me a while to see it but one day we were at FMIL's house and she was just going on and on about what terrible career choices he had made and how he had never done anything worthwhile because he was interested in being an "academic" (like me) which doesn't make any money.  I thought she was being really really unfair to him but I didn't say anything because I thought it wasn't my place to get involved in an argument between him and his mother.  but now I"m finding out that she has NEVER supported him.  To the outside world I think she brags about him, but privately she abuses him like this.  Telling him he has never done anything right.  OMG, he is an MD and also has a JD from Yale!  He once told me that he felt I was the only one who had ever given him any support in his life.  I almost cried when he said that because I felt so bad and I had always assumed he came from a close family.  He's such a wonderful person.  I have to give his mom at least the credit for raising him.  But now I"m noticing that he has issues that stem from all these things.  He can't directly stand up to her for himself, and now he can't directly stand up to her for me.  And that hurts me in so many ways.  I have a harder time trusting him now but I also feel bad seeing this family relationship erode away. 

I'm sorry your husband also doesn't say anything.  You know, we are always going back and forth about what DIL did and how she is and what MIL said and what's she's like, but how often do we look at the MEN involved and examine the role they play in all of this?  Men really are different from women....  :o

whew...yanno, after living like that for all those years...I'm going to caution you...be very careful he doesn't talk to your someday children the same way his mother talks to him.

When you live with someone like that, it is very easy to become like them.

She sounds like nothing would ever be good enough...and she puts him down to make herself feel better.  She sounds very abusive....

Would you consider going to counseling?  I believe you might not be seeing the true effects of her coming thru yet....

Please be careful....

Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 08:37:52 AM
what I'm trying to say is...it may all change once your married...so be very wise and observe him more...how does he talk to you...does he try and belittle you...don't be so in love with love that you don't see those flags...

and if you do..don't marry, unless you go to counseling first...for a long time, b/c we are conditioned to believe and be as our parents are, even the most suttle traits we inherit....

Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: isitme? on December 11, 2009, 08:40:38 AM
We are going to counseling - we trying to set up an appointment and figure out insurance right now.  A lot of the women on this website helped me reach this point and for that i thank you all.  If i listened to the advice I had gotten on the DIL support group - I would be alone, or he would have cut off his mother and SHE would be even more alone then she is now.  That's why I'm here.  So I know some of you want this to be a space for MILS and don't like the fact that there might be DILs here also - if they are mean and nasty I understand.  But some of us are also looking for something other than hate.  On the DIL support sites, I think they provide support at the expense of relationships.  Here I've seen you ladies are trying to preserve the relationship at any cost - that's why I"m here at least.  that is commendable!
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 08:49:35 AM
ANYONE is welcomed here.  We want to help, not hurt.   :'(
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 09:10:43 AM
Quote from: isitme? on December 11, 2009, 08:40:38 AM
We are going to counseling - we trying to set up an appointment and figure out insurance right now.  A lot of the women on this website helped me reach this point and for that i thank you all.  If i listened to the advice I had gotten on the DIL support group - I would be alone, or he would have cut off his mother and SHE would be even more alone then she is now.  That's why I'm here.  So I know some of you want this to be a space for MILS and don't like the fact that there might be DILs here also - if they are mean and nasty I understand.  But some of us are also looking for something other than hate.  On the DIL support sites, I think they provide support at the expense of relationships.  Here I've seen you ladies are trying to preserve the relationship at any cost - that's why I"m here at least.  that is commendable!

I'm glad your going to counseling....good for both of you...

I don't mind DIL's being here...honest....but I think a good many of them may come from the other sites we're talking about...

yanno, when I first started writing on the one site, my 68 year old girlfriend came in to see...she was horrified...she couldn't believe it...she called me and kept saying over and over again in total shock...those women are evil.....she was an editor at one time and her DIL's adore her, actaully everyone who knows her adores her...one of those once in a lifetime people...anyway, she said...I have never had any one talk to me like that...what is wrong with those girls...?????  I never knew this much hate existed....

Another MIL contacted me early on in the beginning of the new forum...she was appauled at how they allowed another women to badger me...so much so, it scared her and she left for good....
She was convinced they were evil women?  I dont' think they're evil, just really mixed up and unhappy?  They don't like newcomers though, especially if your a MIL...I had a few follow me to another forum and hammer me...big time...just to start a runkis...be contrary and nasty?





Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 09:19:42 AM
QuoteGlitterati
I wondered about the bolded...because it seemed to say parenting was gonna come back and bite dil's in the butt as far as future relationships with their dil's.  If thats the case...then rather than your son acting the way he acts because of dil...why wouldn't it be because of your parenting?  That's how I took it...but I don't think that's how it was meant.

well thank you, I take that as a huge compliment...matter of fact, my son is very passive, easy going, fair, and his friends still tell me, what a nice guy he always was...he was compassionate and would give you the shirt off his back....

does he have faults, heck yeah, he's no saint, but for the most part, he's a great person...he used to remember people's birthdays and send them cards...he'd call and say hello, was thinking of you, thought I'd call and say hello, to both old and young friends and family.  While he was growing up, I got a lot of compliments about him...and he was a joy to raise.  A really good boy!
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 09:20:43 AM
Yes'm, that's the ones.  They have followed me too.  Luise will not allow it here.  Thank God!!!  What a relief!!

I am one of those that everyone loves too.  I've just been beaten down so badly that I'm no good to anyone. 

:-[ Poor me. :(

I must take heart, though....if these girls hate MILs this much, we must be real threats in their lives and very powerful, huh?   :P  GRRRRRRRRRRR  :'(

I didn't want to be powerful, just loved, that's all.

Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 09:22:53 AM
Quote2chickiebaby link=topic=177.msg3368#msg3368 date=1260549295]
Yes, Creme, you do come with guests!!! ;) They walk among us.

Amazing isn't it, they feed off of this stuff...don't they?
Well hey, I have fans, LOL....good for this site, right?



Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 09:24:55 AM
They ran off when you posted that!!!   ;D
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: isitme? on December 11, 2009, 03:37:34 PM
Quote from: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 08:37:52 AM
what I'm trying to say is...it may all change once your married...so be very wise and observe him more...how does he talk to you...does he try and belittle you...don't be so in love with love that you don't see those flags...

and if you do..don't marry, unless you go to counseling first...for a long time, b/c we are conditioned to believe and be as our parents are, even the most suttle traits we inherit....

Thanks for the warning - I'm hoping that counseling will help us and also help us have a better relationship with his mom.  He never belittles me - he is really a kind and wonderful person.  But sometimes I DO wonder if growing up with his mom affected him somehow.  His brother married somebody who sounds exactly like the horror DILs described on this website.  In fact, to me she seems (emotionally) kind of like a mini-MIL.  Needless to say, they don't get along at all.  So I'm definitely on the lookout.  sorry, just had to stand up for my man - there is definitely a reason why I am with him through all of this..

I'm sorry those other DILs snipe at you on their websites.  There is a lot of hate on those sites - but at the same time remember that these women are hurt by their inlaws and often their husbands, and DO feel threatened...  even if that's an unreasonable feeling, that's how they're feeling..
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 12, 2009, 02:25:42 AM
please don't appologize for your feelings and beliefs...it's human nature to stand up for those we love.  His brother is the perfect example of what I'm talking about, you grow up in a life with your parents, and if they are abusive like your MIL, we don't know any different...we don't know what it's like to have a normal life...it's all we know...therefore, the danger of that is, for both men and women, we marry someone like our parents...your brother in law, married your MIL...do you see? 

Its very difficult to explain...it's our own personal culture that we are conditioned with from birth...what we believe, our morals, our characters, our political views...our likes and dislikes, even our moods...and our parents learned they're culture and behavior from their parents.  It's like a kid who is raised in a family who owns a sense of entitlement...they believe since they are being given welfare, they don't have to work...it makes them lazy and to believe in free handouts...therefore, they're children willl most likely grow up the same way.  Have you ever heart the expression, welfare breeds welfare.  Well, it's the same with our DIL's, they don't have any concept of anything different...and the worst part is there is no awareness of the hurt they are implenting on everyone..they don't care about the effects on everyone, even they're children...in their own mind, it's been all they've known...and when someone has a different opinion, they are unable to realize, or fathom, that other people have different ideas about things...therefore, when you voice your opinion, they immediately take it as a personal attack or, that you are saying they're wrong...when your not...but, they are not able to understand, that everyone has different personal cultures...it's like our plight in Afghanistan...you cannot change people...unless they want change...especially they're cuyltures...they don't understand this concept...they just carry on, like they're parents did and they're parents before that...why?  Because we respect our parents and look up to them as if they are the Godspell truth to life, and to deviate from those beliefs would be an infidelity to our parents...do you understand?  Does that make sense?  That is why Humans constantly repeat history...we are not able to grasp this concept and change...plus, human beings do not like change...so, your DIL's don't believe they are doing anything wrong...plu they don't have a lot of self esteme and they feel for the first time in their lives, they have someone to love them...therefore, they're going to do anything they can to keep that love and attention...it its they're commoditiy, and they won't share, and have no idea of family or traditions, but they're own.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 12, 2009, 04:44:36 AM
I'm trying to follow what you're saying and want to see if I have it right....they don't know what they're doing, just following what they've been taught and take everything else as criticism.

Sons married some version of US/ME?
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 12, 2009, 07:52:19 AM
exactly...it is the only way they know how to be...act....think....

no, son didn't marry version of you...DS's are nice men, who were raised by us, idealogical...for instance...

we were from a very small town...my mother was very naieve...believed everyone was good...she never worked, or really got out in the world, her network of friends were family...and neighbors who grew very close and tight knit.  My mother's life consisted of taking care of us, she never worked...went to church every week...our lives were very small, no big cities...etc.  We trusted, never locked our doors, cars...and neighbors were fine upstanding hard working people...middle class...we were taught to work hard for what we wanted...our religion also guided us...everyone got along...the town was small, friendly, hardly any outsiders..everyone knew everyone. 

I can remember how it hurt me, while growing up, when people in the workforce were nasty, or when someone did something wrong, b/c we believed people were basically good.  It was an idealogic life...we were not expossed to bad people...

So we raised our sons the very same way we were raised...only communities started changing...getting bigger...but our sons trusted that everyone was nice...we didn't know about people were were manipulative and would take advantage...I mean, when sonmeone told me they loved me, I believed...our sons did to.  They were nice easy going people who trusted....
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: Pen on December 12, 2009, 08:25:07 AM
Yes, we did raise nice men. My DH has always been respectful of me. He expected respect towards me from our children and my parents. In our case, DS was dazzled by bright and shiny things; we're not about impressing people with our possessions, but DIL's family is. He saw the big house, big-screen TVs and brand-new cars, and he wanted it. He's seeing the other side now - their greedy, controlling ways are not something he wants to emulate or be a part of. He still likes nice things, though:) DIL grew up with a pretty demanding mom. She watched her cut ties with inlaws, so maybe she thinks that's how it's done.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: isitme? on December 12, 2009, 08:53:30 AM
it's very sad when this happens.  The way I see it, my BF and his brother grew up in a family that put up with bad behavior from his mother.. and so they didnt' learn how to recognize bad behavior when they saw it.  The two of them are both really nice guys but have somewhat of a henpecked air about them.  BF's told me a lot of nice things about his sister in law - but for some reason everyone in that family has just emphasized how rich her family is - that was kind of a turn off for me because I come from a family that is not at all materialistic and we are not impressed by things like fancy cars and quarter million dollar weddings....  I wanted to think the best, but when I met her, she just struck me as a spoiled shrew that harps and harps and harps and crys when she doens't get what she wants.  I hear her constantly belittling her husband (BF's brother) all the time but it dones't seem to bother him - he just tunes it out, and I think it's because he's used to tuning out his mother when she harps on him.  I DON'T want to be like that though - and I think BF appreciates that about me.  I find it hard to spend time with his brother and wife though because I"m uncomfortable with how she talks to him (and to everyone else... we once went out to dinner and she ordered dinner for me and then took away my menu!)    I'm sure she has many nice qualities though but sadly, I havne't really seen any of them yet... I'm trying to be understanding though...and at the end of the day, it's not so much my problem so I can let it be... but I certainly see a pattern....(which BF is trying to break mercifully!)..

So I don't think that ALL guys marry their mothers.... but some of them do.  It is kind of a stereotype....  we look for qualities that remind us of our parents sometimes.  BF definitely has some of the protective qualities and a fascination with the world that totally reminds me of my own father...  but sadly, I think sometimes the negative gets picked up along with the positive. 
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 12, 2009, 09:11:54 AM
Creme, chickie   ((((((((Hugs)))))))

  Thank you so much.  I find ALOT of comfort in your posts/words/thoughts.

   I hope Santa brings you EVERYTHING you desire.  And then some. 
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 12, 2009, 02:47:03 PM
Quote from: HappyDays09 on December 12, 2009, 09:11:54 AM
Creme, chickie   ((((((((Hugs)))))))

  Thank you so much.  I find ALOT of comfort in your posts/words/thoughts.

   I hope Santa brings you EVERYTHING you desire.  And then some.

He already did....this web site...
Thank you always for your kind soul and great big heart...
Love ya
Creme
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 12, 2009, 03:08:10 PM
It is isn't it, Cremebrulee,  it's a welcome place and I am so glad.  Glad you are aboard :)
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: lilyofthevalley on December 12, 2009, 04:38:31 PM
I think we probably marry people who have some aspects of our parents that we value, but not all, and don't have aspects of our parents that we didn't like.  For example, my husband's mother is very organized.  He, sadly, is not, though he likes to be around people who are.  I am also very organized.  I think that was an attractive feature to him.  He is soft spoken and doesn't raise his voice.  Even if he's angry, he will calmly express his opinion and so I feel comfortable enough to express mine.  It reminds me of the way my grandfather was, and is different from how my dad was (raised voice for everything from who won the ball game to who dented his car, I guess now you'd just say he's a loud person).  I liked the quality in my grandfather and didn't like the way my dad acted.    And I ended up picking a guy who acts like my grandfather in that regard. 

And I can see some of myself in my DIL.   She loves to entertain, she's great at planning and hosting things, and she cares passionately for animals.  On the flip side, she has  a different decorating style, likes romance movies (I'm more for action/fantasy/scifi), and is way more "plugged in" than I ever was (though that may be a sign of the times.  I think most people my son's age have the phones that double as minicomputers).  She can also keep any plant alive, and has even managed to save a few at my house when they've come to visit.  I can keep outdoor plants alive, but bring them inside and they're dead.  I guess what I'm saying is that I can see my son married someone who has certain qualities I also possess and has qualities that I don't possess (I know, big surprise, I haven't been cloned).  Did he do it because he liked those qualities growing up or just because he loved her?  I don't really know the answer to that one.  Would any person have some qualities like me?  Probably, but in some ways there are a few times when I can see myself in my DIL.  I think that also makes it a bit easier to relate when things are happening that I don't really get.  I know that she's a reasonable girl, we just might have different reasoning sometimes, and sure enough once I ask and she explains, it makes perfect sense.  Not the way I did it/would have done it, but a completely reasonable way of doing things. 

Ok, I'll stop rambling now.   
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 13, 2009, 04:35:14 AM
your not rambling at all, I enjoyed reading your perspectives...food for thought...
and it's nice you know your DIL so well...that you know her likes and dislikes...
your lucky in that respect...I on the other hand, do not know her...therefore, I can't really say if she has some of my character...what I can say is, I love to cook, entertain dinner guests...she does not like to cook...I love to decorate, and spend more money on decor then I do clothing for myself...not into make up or the latest styles...color my own hair, and do not wear much make up at all...she is the opposite in that respect..she could care less about decorating, cleaning, shopping...and is into fashion big time.

It makes me sad, that I don't have a DIL with whom I am friends...I know so many people, both young and old who get along so well with their MIL and love them...
I don't envy them, but it does make me sad that things are not good.  I had these expectations when they weere married...expected to get along with her as well as I do my son's friends who are now married women with children.  Some of them still call me mom...

I think, if it wouldn't be for them, my confidence would be so depleted...so, it's nice to hear your stories...thank you for sharing.

Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: Pen on December 13, 2009, 11:08:24 AM
My MIL was very different in beliefs, upbringing, etc. but we found common ground and focused on that, letting the other stuff go. I've tried to find common ground with DIL, thought I was making progress, but to no avail. DS is able to love us all, but she can't. He gamely tries to get her to appreciate us. She bravely tried the outdoor life on vacation with us before they married, to her credit. Once the deal was done, though, so was she. I think DS is realizing he may be in for a battle if he wants to take his future children camping or hiking!
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 13, 2009, 01:29:59 PM
I understand that your DIL might not like camping, but...to stagnate her children from all opportunities, b/c she doesn't like something is so down right selfish...not only to them, but to you...I'm very sorry, you sound like a very nice MIL....matter of fact all the women here sound patient and like they've tried so hard...it is very sad...
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 14, 2009, 05:30:35 AM
Anna, that was an awesome post...

yanno, what is so sad about all this....I don't really know what good qualities my DIL possess, since, this started immediately when I went to visit them the first time....I've not been around her enough to know...for the past 12-13 years, I've only seen them 1 or twice a year for short visits and maybe, a visit to see them, once every two years, if that...and each time I was around her, she was nasty to me...and most of the time, my son was around, therefore, I have no idea what she enjoys or doesn't enjoy...

Very sad....
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 21, 2009, 03:26:38 PM
Glitterati

yes, your right, in the beginning, some of the moditors were very nice and friendly, and gave some very good advice...

one of the moditors inparticular, lured us back to her site, and then, when she got us back, she allowed the DIL's to get real nasty to us...

it wasn't that I wanted them to agree with me 100%, but they started making excuses for my DIL's behavior...or make up reasons why she was acting the way she was, had to be because of something I was doing.  When I disagreed, and tried to explain, the more events I told them about, the more they started blaming me...or making fun of me...

Some of those girls were very kind right up until the end...but some of them were brutally nasty...which only proves to me, why they don't get along with they're DIL's.  I actually went on there hoping we could all help each other...much like this site is...but it became very clicky, and I could tell they were all ganging up on me....some of them felt that had to to stay a part of that cliche, and others wre just plain manipulative and mean.  I believe I was bated into comeing back...I was emailed by a monitor who asked me to come back...then when I did, as soon as we were getting along, one gal couldn't stand that and would constantly come in and attack...then the others would join in...it had nothing to do with them agreeing with me 100%, no two people are ever going to agree all the time...then I aslo had girls one inparticular follow me around from site to site and actually had the nerve to come into my threads and start in on me wtih her bullies...


Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 03:48:50 PM
Creme, the same thing happened to me!!  I was on some of the original sites, long ago.  I wanted advice on the new ways of thinking.  I didn't understand the new rules. They lectured me on Boundaries and other psychological things.  I tried my level best to understand. I was new into the new ways so it was hard.

The DIL's were nice at first and then, without notice, they turned mean, insisting there was a reason my DIL didn't like us. I was followed too.  Tried to be followed here. They are so unhappy that they will try to make your life H. E. DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS.

When I'd try to explain, they got meaner.  They followed me from place to place. Then, the new site for MILs....they lured me there.  Nice at first and then, the DILs came on.  It was chaos and hatred that really made me sad...like they were face to face people.

Some of the MILs turned out to be DILs!!  What?  They told me I was paranoid...uh.. no, I was not paranoid;  I was seeing DILs,  that's what I was doing.  I hesitated about starting this site but we have Luise.  :) and she won't let that happen here.

It still scares me here.  If it wasn't for Luise and her not allowing that to happen, I wouldn't be here so I know what you're talking about!  :) 

We are safe here. That means a lot to us who have been chased around the block.
Title: Re: Good Afternoon
Post by: cremebrulee on December 23, 2009, 03:54:31 AM
I noted how controlling some of them were....and how insecure...
when I'd post something they'd accuse me of directing that post at them and tell me how insulted they were...I didn't...I opened the thread for general conversations and feedback...matter of fact, I'll open it here...it makes for good conversation and awareness...it was an exercise in Church study.