Are you all happily married? ??? Just wondering,...because I am having some problems. Always had them with my husband, (married 37 years), but they are getting more intense and have become more frequent. He so fits the cliché of the "grumpy old man." I know, ..I need to be above it all. I think I just gave that advice, in another post, to another member... hahaha,....but it is hard, it really is. I think it's easier to disengage from an adult child than from a partner. No? Maybe I'm wrong. :(
Most of the time, I'm very happily married. Once in a while I can into a snit and just want to hurt someone! We have decided after raising 3 teenagers, building a house, living together 24 hours a day in retirement, we can make it. We don't have to contribute to any of our AC's unless we just want to do something. I generally do a lot more for the GC than for their parents. We really have no bills to struggle over, have good retirements, which could change on a dime I suppose. We fairly healthy, take care of his 95 yr old mother who is in an assisted living facility. He does not complain if I set around all day reading in my pj's. I hate it when he says he's giving up golf, oh no you're not! That's "me" time. He was fussing at me today because I want him to redo our patio (to make it all level) and he wanted to jerry rig it and I said no. Then I looked at him and said, I'm such a witch. His reply was that at least I knew it.
We talk a lot, laugh a good bit. Moan and groan a little, but we've been together almost 42 years! Freespirit, this is probably not the dialog you wanted to hear, but I really am happy where I am and who I'm with.
My husband just died on February 21st at age 101. We were married almost 24 years. I was 62 and a divorcee and he was 78 and a new widower when we got together. We were happily married because he was capable of unconditional love. I'm serious. He had a strong character but was the kindest person I have even know. I wasn't capable of unconditional love but he thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Whenever I fell from grace, he just hugged me and said, "Oh, honey, you're entitled." (Whew!) We had ten good years...the first six RVing with our two little pups. Then he started down hill and the rest was Care Giving for me and just kind of sitting it out for him. I was married before...twice...18 years each time. The first was not a nurturing environment for me, so I finally gave up. The second was not nurturing enough for him so he found someone else. My first husband, my son's dad, is deceased. My second is still a good friend and is still kicking himself. LOL!
Thanks for your fast and honest replies. I guess I always thought old couples never fought. I thought that was all behind them and they just felt comfortable with all their pros and cons.
I need to take off my pink glasses, and not expect too much, I suppose. I also have to work on my own patience. I find myself getting exasperated with repeating my sentences all the time, either because he just doesn't listen or won't concentrate on what I say. He's so negative, focuses on all the bad news on TV, which he watches almost three times a day. I just can't hear that stuff anymore. I'm afraid he's getting slow in his thinking. I just hope and pray I have the patience that you had, Luise. I think it's easier if a strong love is there, but if it isn't, and in my case it's not,...then getting older, with all its quirks, can be quite a challenge.
To be fair, it's of course not all bad, otherwise I would pick up my heals and run. And of course the financial aspect of it all plays a big part. I had to laugh, Fafe, when you told your husband not to give up golf because that is your "me" time. I can sooo relate. We too are blessed because we have prepared well for our retirement days. We have so much to be thankful for. But just for that very reason, having an unhappy atmosphere at home, seems so horrible,..for we have every reason to actually swing from the chandeliers and sing with joy. Ach...while writing this, my stomach is knotting up. It's such a waste of time to be unhappy.
I just wonder if there is any secret remedy to jump over ones own shadow and not allow another person to drag you down. I just wonder.
Freespirit, our marriage is a second for the both of us. My first husband was a very, very jealous person due to the fact (I think) that two of his sisters were "rounders" and he saw another side of women. We married very young, and I was dumbfounded that talking to another man had him suspicious of everything I did. I was working at a army base, duh, I had to talk to others, but as I'm pretty outgoing I loved talking to anybody about anything. This did not go over so well with him. He checked the mileage on the car, hid in closets to hear (in his mind) me talking to others. The straw that broke the camels back was when I had picked up one of my cousins and he had left his cigarettes in the car. So, after 3 years I had had enough!
My current husband and his wife had to get married due to her being pregnant. When I met him he was a single father of a 4 year old son. She became a hippy, among other things. After we had been married a couple of years I adopted the son and went on to have another son and a daughter. I tell people that one of my children is adopted and at times I do not remember which one it is. His ex wife has re-entered the picture as she wants their marriage annulled so she can join a community of catholic women, as she sees God as her retirement plan. She does have a relationship with our son and we have no problem with that.
We have definitely had some rocky times, but have over come most of them. We both worked and DH was pretty frugal, which has paid off in the long run, but there were many problems through out the years due to money problems. Now that we are retired, we travel together. I travel with friends and my sisters and all is pretty good. I still talk to anyone who will listen and he knows I'm harmless and would never do anything to betray his trust, although I'm not perfect, nor is he. Our running joke used to be that he had a line of women waiting for me to pass away because we had good insurance. Now that we all qualify for Medicare, the line has diminished.
I think that one of our strengths in our marriage is the two bad ones we had before we met. Probably too much information.
I have been married for 34 years and it is my only marriage as yet. We kid each other all the time about trading each other in for a newer model or a cuter model or a whatever model. When he gets on my nerves by doing something I usually say something snippy and we laugh. At least we do now.
A few years back we almost divorced. We even decided to. We were incredibly miserable! Who cares how it started, I will tell you how it stopped. I stopped expecting him to make me happy. I found other ways to be happy. The kids were young and he would leave town once or twice a year to go on a 'guys' week or week end and I would be miserable the entire time he was gone. When I started taking the kids camping during his 'guy time' and enjoying myself and quit letting him control my happiness everything evened out and things have been improving ever since.
So my advice would be to stop trying to change 'things' and change yourself. The only true change comes from within and you are the only one who can make you happy.
I am starting to use this strategy with my DS and DIL. I am going to be happy, regardless of whether they are or not.
J - Oh, that makes me think of the wonderful little trips my youngest DS, our Webmaster, and I went on when his dad went hunting! He was about 8 when we started. He is 58 and we still talk about them and the fun we had! :)
Fafe, since this is my first marriage, I have nothing to compare my marriage to. I can remember the losers I dated, though,..and I know why I said yes to my husband`s proposal. I can still say he was the best of the bunch...so I suppose not all is lost. :)
Wonderful wonderful advice JoAnna! Next time when things get edgy, I will think of your wise words about not trying to change things, but instead, change myself. Maybe to the point that I leave the house, and treat my self to something nice.
I have to say YES! DH and I met in hs, have been married 46 yrs. + dated 4 yrs. before marriage. I have been sorting through old pictures, and realize we were children compared to today's standards. We grew up with our children, always enjoyed doing things with them. We did go through a very rough patch about the time they were in hs. May have divorced if I had been working instead of staying home with kids. In fact, I went back to work briefly thinking that I could support myself once the kids were out of house. However, we worked through it along with some external problems, and came out stronger, better, more in love than ever. DH is truly the best thing to ever happen to me. It is corny, and a cliche, but we complete each other. Where I am pessimistic, he is optimistic, where he is too conservative, I bring some adventure, he is outgoing, I am introverted, yada yada. We realized we had given too much of ourselves to raising our children, had 'lost' ourselves. We developed several new hobbies that we enjoy doing together. We both enjoy some 'me' time, but we truly enjoy spending most of our time together. Are there some new activities that you could learn together?
I read a book many years ago about a couples study to determine how many were happily married. I was amazed and so were the researchers regarding the myriad definitions that were held by those interviewed. Some felt that complete agreement was happiness, some the variety was the spice of life, some saw marriage only as a legal state and expected nothing...and there were those that replied that they lived in different parts of the house and were very happily married. It was probably my first direct experience of multiple perceptions and the erroneous assumption that we all hold the same concepts.
DH & I are mainly 'comfortably' married, I'd say. Happily married sometimes. We've settled in & I don't think either of us is going anywhere soon. Raising a disabled child puts many marriages in jeopardy (guilt, blame, stress, financial worries, & so on) so we feel lucky to still be married. It's been interesting getting to know each other again as independent adults after the kids moved out & DS married.
One of the biggest strains on our marriage is my sadness (and sometimes hurt & anger) over our DS/DIL situation. DH tries to make up for it and I need to remember that he hurts too when I'm in pain over DS.
Grieving, wow you sure have been married for a long time. And you are more in love now than ever?! That made me smile, I loved how you described your marriage. You asked if my husband and I do new things together. Yes we do. And all our common interests, and there are lots, do bind us. Infact it's one of the major reasons we have stayed together.
Luise, good thought; what IS a happy marriage? Now if I could mould a happy marriage, what would it be like?
- I suppose one of the big factors would be mutual respect.
Then laughing a lot together would be just wonderful.
Of course trust plays a major part too.
I suppose if you have those 3 factors,...then love is the prize. And if some people live happily in opposite sides of their homes...well I guess happiness is all that matters, although... I can't really believe that.
Pen, you have my
deepest respect for raising a disabled child, and surviving that stress in your marriage. I hear you about sadness can strain. I also believe that men cope with family problems differently. In my case, my husband can distance himself and simply won't allow the "kids" to get him down. I have learned from him.
You know, I just read once again the list I had written to Louise, and thought that applies to our adult children as well. If we have a mutual respect and laugh a lot with them...then love just has to fill everybody's' hearts.
FS - What a beautiful combination...laughter and respect. Val and I had both. He was more respectful than I was but I laughed more than he did. We learned from each other and I think it balanced out. :)
I am extremely, humongously, ginormously happy in my marriage. The others here will tell you to NOT get me started about my wonderful DH :) This is also my second marriage.
I was married the first time for 21 years and for 15 of those, I was miserable in my marriage. I did figure out the last five years of it that it wasn't ever going to get any better and I needed to concentrate on things that made me happy, so I wasn't miserable in general, just the marriage part. And there was nothing in my marriage either that was "walkable". He didn't beat me, or curse me. He wasn't an alcoholic, drug addict, etc. He just ignored me and used me to make his life easy and he did what he wanted. Once I quit doing that and found my own life, I guess it wasn't a good marriage for him any longer. Boo hissssss....poor baby! :)
I've felt sorry for myself because some of my husband's family did not accept me (actually everyone did except three people) and one DIL was a person "beyond my realm of understanding" - she left our son and abandoned her two children almost four years ago. However, in over four decades of marriage, my husband and I have always been on the same wavelength and path in life (can't even remember a memorable discussion let alone an argument). Wow - thanks ladies - I had forgotten how lucky and blessed my life has been.
Hmmmm....from the responses here, (with a few exceptions), me thinks the moral of the story is; ...You want to be happy? Then get married more than once. ::)
:D LOL!, FS! I was a really slow learner. It took me three times around. Twice for 18 years and 24 to my beloved Val, who just passed on six weeks ago. I don't give up easily!
This is my second marriage too! First one was for twenty five years when I finally left.I always hoped DH would get councilling for serious problems.I was not happy a lot of the time.Now I am. remarried for twelve years,very happy.Luise my GM who lived to 101 years old was married three times.Her husbands all passed away. She daid that that she loved them all equally.Lucky GM.So Luise since you are so young maybe a number 4 ??
;)
Nik - I still love my "ex", who, altough 8 years younger...is senile and in an assisted living facility. And I still love Kirk's dad, who passed 20 years ago, long after our divorce. I just eventually gave up trying to live with them!
My boyfriend from when was 15, and who lives in the mid-west, proposes to me regularly. He waited for three weeks after Val passed...and then when he proposed, I asked him what took him so long? LOL! And no, he's not going to be my next victim...he's in worse shape than my "ex!"
Truth...I would probably enjoy a "special friend" to attend events with here but they all in about the same condition...and I've become way too independent. I rise, dress, eat, read, venture forth when I want to. Heaven!
Quote from: freespirit on April 08, 2013, 11:20:33 AM
Hmmmm....from the responses here, (with a few exceptions), me thinks the moral of the story is; ...You want to be happy? Then get married more than once. ::)
Or maybe marry the same man for a second time? :)
I did that, too...to give him a one time, real estate tax exemption that I qulaified for and he didn't. :D
I remembered that is why I wrote it! Hee hee
:D Good memory! :D
Three times for me also... and I am the happiest I have ever been with my choice. I tell my husband all the time that he is the BEST husband I have ever had!! :D
Seriously though.. I was way too young the first time around. I was only 18... Dh #1 was a handsome devil... but a whole bunch of other ladies thought so too! Divorce followed after 9 years and 2 kids.
DH #2... was controling and certainly felt everything had to be his way or the highway... He thought he looked like Elvis and that I was just so lucky to have him...and he let me know that often... I should have chosen the highway early on, but stuck it out for 20 years... He died suddenly of a massive heart attack.
DH #3 Is a nice looking man.. not overly a head turner... but he seems to think that I am the best thing EVAH!! He is funny and caring and a great companion. We like the same things and life with him is EASY.... He is easy to be with.. What I have learned is that it shouldn't be hard... I used to think that if you really had to WORK at a relationship it was a good thing. Now I have decided I'd really rather NOT have to work so hard. I'm too old for that.
I was never interested in Marriage or anything like that, until I met my now DH. For me Marriage is a huge undertaking and I know it will not always be peachy as we will get older and there are problems that come with that, but we have promised. We have already faced heartache together. DH and I are lucky, though, because we Married our Best Friends. xo
Luise, I am so sorry about your husband. Freespirit, I am sorry you are not as happy as you'd like to be.
I have been married almost 29 years and we knew each other for 2 years prior to that. We have definately had our ups and downs, but I too am married to my best friend. After this many years we know each other pretty well and the thing I enjoy the most is the comfort level. Also my husband is a pretty considerate person, so since he knows what pushes my buttons he tries not to do those things. I feel like he knows me better than anyone else in the world... warts and all and I feel like I have total acceptance from him.
My biggest complaint about being married for so long is the lack of excitement, surprise, sparks etc. that most people experience after being married for so long. We don't have trouble getting along so much as keeping it exciting or passionate. But I wouldn't trade what we do have for those things which are probably unrealistic at this stage in life. We do still work at it though.
The only other thing I would complain about is that he never stood up to his parents for me, but he gets that now and is doing that now. And I'm not sure if that was really his job. I know Dr. Phil says the offspring of the problematic inlaws should be the one to confront if there is a problem. I feel like I should have spoken up for myself with his support.
This was my second marriage after a brief marriage from age 20 to 22, which only happened because I was pregnant at the time. It's my husband's first marriage.
One of the reasons I started this thread is to see if it is unusual to remain in an unhappy marriage. Most of you did something about it. I admire you all for that. I'm sure ending the old and taking that new step was never easy either. It makes me glad to read that so many of you are happy, even to the point of blissfulness in your marriage. That is truly wonderful. And believe me, I would willingly trade my marriage for a boring one,..as long as it is harmonious and loving.
Your posts have made me ponder about my own life, how it is, and what I can do about it.
In many cases I'm married to my best friend too. We enjoy the same hobbies, and we're both doting grandparents. Those two factors do bind. It's the other things. It's the forever criticizing, knit-picking, sulking pessimistic, raining - forever –on – my - parade that get me down.
I think being financially dependent, retirement money, etc. can be like a noose around ones neck. If that weren't the case,.... Well, the older I get, the more challenging it is, to just concentrate on the positive sides. For no matter how positive a situation is;... I feel like I'm always walking on a tight rope.
I too married a critical, knit picking man and I totally understand how difficult it is to handle. Don't get me wrong he is wonderful and unfortunately he is usually right which just makes it that much harder to bear. Years ago we worked out a system for telling each other when we were getting annoyed with the other's input. We say "who's goat is this" and it kinda means "are you going to do this or are you going to let me" and if he (or I) continue with the advise the irritated one just walks off. If you leave them to finish the task they know how to do better than you do they learn. Or at least we did. And yes, I have been left to do all kinds of things.....mow the lawn, pull the weeds, wire the computers...and he has been left to cook the meal, vacuum the floor, make the beds. It works for us.......maybe you could figure out some kind of code with your best friend ;)
I agree with you Freespirit that it's harder to be detached within your marriage because you live together. Has your husband always been critical of you and is he that way with everyone or just you? That is something that's hard to live with because it's directed at you. You described him as a grumpy old man, so it might not actually have that much with you but it is directed at you because you are a safe target. I wonder if he is depressed or something. I have always gone to counseling for my problems, so I would suggest this for you. If your husband is willing to go with you all the better but if he refuses to go you could go anyway. You shouldn't feel like you are walking on a tightrope in your own home within your own marriage. Have you ever told your husband that you feel this way?
My counselor has always said pepple's behavior has more to do with them than it does me and seems like a lot of the women here say the same thing. It does help not to take their behavior and criticism personally. It takes some of the sting out of it, but it still doesn't make it pleasant. You deserve to have someone supporting you rather than dragging you down.
Thank you JoAnna and confused. It is wonderful to be able to vent here.
I will try to follow your advice JoAnna, and think up some secret code word to pull us back to acting like a respectful couple. I think that's a great idea. Thank you for suggesting it.
Confused, we have been to counselling. It didn't help any because my husband is a master of twisting things around the way he wants to hear them. You made an interesting point about asking if he treats just me this way. He treats many people this way, but I get the brunt of it. So you are right. I should not take it personally. It is about him. Thank you for making that clear to me. I think that will help me to detach myself.
I'm so glad I found this site. It has helped me more than any counselling. Thank you.
Excitement and passion... bleh. I had two marriages that were full of excitement and passion..... for a while... Then they became millstones around my neck and massive pains in the you know what. Somewhere along the way I met another handsome devil.. and I do mean devil.. who lit my fire like no one else ever did.. but after 4 years... that was all it was.. Nothing else... nothing of substance and pretty one sided.
NOW I have a man who is caring and loving... NOT a fire lighter.. and I am so thankful for that. He makes no demands... is a help mate and a wonderul companion. We have been together for 10 years now. Nothing has changed since day one except our bond has strengthened. There has been no loss of passion, because we never were really about that in the first place. Of course age has something to do with that and I think when we are young, such things hold so much more importance.. For me.. I like the easy feeling of this marriage.. I can be myself and I trust him to really like who that is.
I didn't really change the situation in my first marriage freespirit, I changed me and how I dealt with it. When I did that, it ended up changing the situation.
For 15 years, I reacted the exact same way to anything he did.
Example: I would come in from working all day, throw some supper together, get the boys dressed for ball games, run one to one field, run the other to an opposite field on the other side of the park, and then proceed to run back and forth so I could catch some of each game. (In High School even dropping one at the football field, one at the basketball gym), come back home, get the boys ready for bed, homework, then start throwing laundry in, dishes, cleaning and fall exhausted into bed.
He would come home from work, when he worked longer than a year at the same job, plop on the couch and flip the tv channels.
My reaction for 15 years was resentment, anger, hurt, etc. I would get so mad that he didn't help. I would need the gutters cleaned out and ask and ask and ask, and it never got done until I climbed up there and did it myself. If I tried to talk to him about it, he flipped channels the entire time. Come Saturday, I could have two ball tournaments going on in two different parks, and ask him to take one of the boys. When Saturday came, he would tell me that he had been asked to go fishing with a friend and leave. He did whatever he wanted, when he wanted with no regard for anyone and would leave me scrambling trying to do it all.
It took me 15 years to figure out that no matter what I did (yell, talk, cry, scream, pout, etc.) it didn't change anything. He could have cared less as long as he was getting to do what he wanted to do. But you can bet, when it came time for the boys to get awards, he was there with bells on, smiling for the camera and taking credit for everything. The other parents thought he was wonderful and such a good Father because he always knew when to show up in the spotlight and I heard time and time again, it's too bad he has to work so much and miss a lot. I kept my mouth shut in public. When we did things, it was always what he wanted to do. He would say, let's go to the XXXX and I would just go, even if it was something I didn't enjoy, because in my mind, at least we were doing something together.
So after 15 years, I finally figured out that it was about him and my being miserable was a product of my own doing, because of how I reacted and I was tired of being mad. So I quit getting mad. I stopped asking or nagging him to do anything. When the gutters needed cleaning, I didn't say a word and just called someone to come to do and paid them. I literally left him on the couch and didn't say anything, just went about my business, started hiring people to do things or solicited help from friends and when Saturday came and he said, let's go do XXXXX, I would politely say, "Sorry, I have plans" and I would go do things with the boys that we wanted to do. I started going to get my nails done after work, leaving him to fend for himself in the evenings and making plans. The boys were hanging out with their friends more, so I was free to go do things with girlfriends and volunteer work.
This went on for five years and I was finally not miserable. I realized that for all those years, I allowed him to do all that to me and decided that it was up to me to do things that made me happy. He was never going to change and I married him that way. I was really enjoying life finally, and that's when he quit enjoying life. I literally stopped catering to him. When I wasn't home in the evening to feed him, clean his dishes, clothes, etc. and on weekends, wasn't at his beck and call while he laid around, life wasn't good for him any longer. People started saying things to him like, "wow, I wish I had someone to mow my grass", "Saw your wife at XXXX, where were you?", etc., he didn't like it because people were noticing.
Came home, he had his car packed and a young GF that would cater to him.....imagine that. :)
What I learned from the entire thing was that I had allowed him to manipulate me because of my beliefs that marriage was supposed to be forever. I had allowed him to be this way. Sure, I fussed about it, but he knew I wasn't going anywhere. He knew he could do whatever, and I was committed. That wasn't his fault, that was mine. Once I started enjoying life, his charade was over.
The situation changed because I changed. I'm not advocating what I did but I truly realized that I had to do something for myself. He could have chose to go the other way if the marriage was important to him and he truly loved me. He could have chosen to change as well and get off his hiney and do something. He could have said, "Hey, I'll mow the grass, don't call anyone and let's do something together Saturday." He didn't chose to do that. He chose to find someone that would do what I had done for 15 years. I saw it as either way, I would have won. We would have either had a better marriage if he wanted to as well, or at least I was enjoying life again and not staying resentful all the time.
I truly believe happiness lies within us and it is up to ourselves to do that. When you're lucky, people want to come along for the ride. :)
And congrats to the lady luv.... Like I said to the woman my 1st husband left us for..."You got the PRIZE! Enjoy"
Oh my goodness Pooh!! How wonderfully you said exactly what I felt when my marriage turned around!! Lucky for me my DH decided he wanted the marriage. We were both pretty miserable until I changed. I can't help but wonder if he had changed first would I have followed?
Anyway the overwhelming opinion on this forum is for things to change, first I must change. Our happiness is our responsibility and no one else's. Do what makes you happy!!
And Lilly I totally agree!! :D
My mom went through a similar thing as Pooh with my dad, but the difference is my dad adapted and their marriage became better. It was after they had been married for 30 years, the kids were raised and my mom was going through menopause. My dad had been rather controlling and she had been submissive and she just decided one day that she wasn't going to be that way any more so she stopped being submissive. For awhile there I was afraid they were going to end up divorced but in the end my dad went to counseling with my mom and they worked it out. I think they both ended up happier in the long run, even my dad and were married 56 years before my mom died. It's not that he stopped trying to control right away, but my mom didn't allow it and eventually he stopped trying. But it could go either way.
Lilly, you said two key words; caring and loving. I miss that so much. I miss having a life partner, where we are pulling on the same end. Right now, all it seems to be is a tug of war.
Pooh, you have gone through a lot with your X. It must have been an absolute relief to end it all.
Confused,..I think you just described my marriage. We all change over the years, and many submissive women, (I was one), developed self confidence over the years. I really hope my marriage has the same happy ending like your parent's marriage.
JoAnna, I agree about having to change yourself first. I'm working on that...it's sure not easy.
Freespirit if changing ourselves were easy none of us would need this site!! Having an understanding ear gives us all a place to work out how we can change to accomplish the desired outcome. Knowing that you are not alone in your struggle, having people around who have been there and are willing to talk about their experiences gives all of us the strength to make changes and improve our lives.
I have never seen a tug of war with only one side. Drop the rope. You do not have to pick up the other side. Chances are if you stop pulling he will stop too. You have a choice about if you let his criticism effect you or not. I know this is difficult but it can be soooo liberating!!
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there! The rewards will be great for both of you.