Today I logged onto our online bank account to check our balance and I discovered that $500 has been taken out of our account and put into my mil's account. She has access to the account because my husband opened the account when he was a minor but never removed her name from the account when we got married dispite my constant requests to have her name removed from the account and I don't know if my husband put the money in there or if she removed it herself. Either way I am pissed! If my husband is giving her money I should be consulted and if she is taking money out of the account I sure as hell would like to know why. I am at my wits end with my husbands parents and with my husband himself and this has just pushed me over the edge. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel I have lost control over my life and now I have lost control over my money! My husband doesn't see anything wrong with their behavior and always defends their actions but doesn't show me the same courtesy. I really don't know if my marriage can last like this and I feel like they are stealing from me. I feel like they don't respect me and I have brought this up to my husband but he acts like he doesn't care. This isnt' the first time they have taken money from the account and I told my husband from the beginning that this cannot happen again but apparently my opinion doesn't matter. If he owed them money then I needed to have been told then we could have written them a check. Am I being unreasonable?
Of course you're not being unreasonable...you are being used, in my opinion. The one with no opinion. I'm seeing red. Have you been the invisible partner in this foursome all along?
I agree
I'm with Luise! I'm stil at work and trying to get out, but I checked this and couldn't hold back! I'll have to check later, but listen to Luise, Kinzey! She will give you better advice than anyone here!
Kinzey, I'm at home now. I had to get on here and say this though. Your husband is giving away money to his mother (and father??). It is money you are contributing to, am I right? If this is a main bank account (or not) and your husband is having funds withdrawn without your knowledge or permission, then my immediate reaction ( since nobody seems to be considering your response as a partner in this donation), is that you are contributing to something you haven't agreed upon in this partnership called marriage.
Maybe I'm wrong, and I truly hope I am corrected if this is someone's opinion, but if this has been an ongoing "donation" with your past objections, then I wouldn't fight over it. If it were me, I would ask my husband (because you have much more class than he does) if it's ok, (since he has decided to do this without consulting you or considering your input), if you start your own account (for your parents as well - or whomever share's that "other half" of what he has decided without your knowledge or input is deserving of transfer, and start withdrawing equal amounts into this account as well.
At this point, he will have to give you "good reasons" why his "grown parents" need you to work to support them. Something is fishy here. If it were me, I'd call his bluff and find out what that is... If nothing else, you will have money put away for yourself and what you would like to do with it in the end.
Kinzey, this is hard to guess at. I don't want to give you advice like this without you knowing that it is something innocent. But, if that's the case, then I would have a talk with my husband about keeping me informed - so he isn't seeing the same amounts disappear "without explanation..."
Kinzey,
IMHO this is definitely an unacceptable situation. It reminds me of what happened to my dd in her first marriage. As a newly-wed, she agreed to move away from everyone she knew to live by her new husband's family. Her husband's checking account had been opened while he was in college and his mother's name was still on the account. Rather than open a new account when they married, they kept his old account. Now mind you, my dd had her own checking account until they married, but closed it when she moved. She was debt free, having worked throughout college to pay her share of tuition. She was incredible - she worked so hard at school and work to make this happen. After she married, she helped her husband pay off his college debt, but her name was not on their checking account. She asked and asked her dh and mil to go to the bank so that they could add my dd's name to the account. Her mil couldn't find the time. Her mil didn't withdraw any money, but my daughter didn't even have her name on the account, so she couldn't have access to her own money!!!!!!! I advised her to open another account for her and her dh and just transfer the money from one account to the other. Well, it took a while before her dh agreed to do that with her. I think you and your dh need to get to the bottom of this. Why does his dm need to have her name on your bank account? Even if she doesn't withdraw money, why is there a need? My advise to you is the same as I gave my dd - open a new account for just you and dh and transfer the money, minus the outstanding checks, to the new account. And I agree with you - how your joint money is spent should be discussed between you and your dh. I hope your husband is good to you. My daughter ended up leaving that marriage because her husband was controlling and mentally abusive. He began showing signs of being a physical abuser, but because of the mental abuse and his lack of caring how his behavior effected my dd, her counselor and priest both told her that no one should have to live that way. Please take care of yourself, dear one. Sending hugs.............Hope
Kinsey,
You and your husband should have your own savings and checking account. I believe you should support each other from the time you are married (in some cases before).
Also, you should be each others beneficiaries where everything else is concerned too.
Money could cause a lot of problems in a marriage. I would come to an agreement as soon as possible.
If your DH is amenable, here's a suggestion that may or may not work for you: open a new account for just you and DH. Leave a little money in the old account that MIL can access. Add to it if you want, or don't. When the money runs out, close the account so you're not liable for bounced checks or whatever.
Quote from: penstamen on March 27, 2010, 10:35:37 AM
If your DH is amenable, here's a suggestion that may or may not work for you: open a new account for just you and DH. Leave a little money in the old account that MIL can access. Add to it if you want, or don't. When the money runs out, close the account so you're not liable for bounced checks or whatever.
I agree with Pen and the others, it seems the only solution for now...just cannot believe anyone could do, what MIL has done to you and your husband...awful...and to me, that is stealing...Kinsey...I hope this all works out...I guess there are simply some you have to stay one step ahead of and cover all angles...sad but true
And if your DH doesn't agree to that solution and to being up front regarding what is deposited into the old account, then It seems to me that a counselor is going to be needed because this thing may just be the tip of the iceberg.
I couldn't agree with Luise more.
Hope, I'm sorry I didn't read your entire post before writing my own! Moving too fast this a.m. Your suggestion was first, and best :) Love you.
I agree with everyone, and Hope, your suggestion is much better than my scrambled one after being at work yesterday! LOL! I was seeing red...
Kinzey, you have so many good suggestions. I hope you come back through and see these, and know that we're here for you. Come back and post as often as you need to and keep us udated!
Sending big hugs your way!
I often make suggestions before reading others just to keep my perspective clear. Overlaps just reinforce. Pings!
HAHAHA! Well, you must have missed mine then, because it was awful angry!
Remember the first one...where I saw red?
I had to laugh, b/c it seems everyone was trying to respond at once. I think we all felt a strong reaction to Kinzey's predicament - we all care about her so much! Are you there, Kinzey?
My son offered to pay off our credit card and charge us less than the bank but he would score as he would earn more than the interest he is getting on the money
I refused this offer a while back as I dont like borrowing money from my children
He is visiting with his fiance at the moment and made this offer in front of her again today.
I asked him if he had consulted her as they are planning to buy a house and are planning a wedding.
I just feel that consulting her first is the right thing to do and I doubt he did.
I dont want to hi-jack this thread with another issue but it seemed the right place to ask about this
Am I right in saying he should consult her and should I point this out to him in private or talk to both of them and say how I feel
I dont want the money as I can manage the payments.
They,by the way, are pretty well off.
Re: The topic this thread is about--I think the mother-in-law who took money from their account has rather a cheek and wife should have been consulted
Hi catchingup!
I think you'll probably get lots of different responses, but if it were me, I would include her (DIL) in the conversation too. She is going to be his wife and should be included. My 2 cents..
Just to make sure you all know--this is not the one I had a problem with RE: I did not say this
I think you are smarter than the average bear and he has a little catching up to do! And you made me laugh regarding "hijacking a topic!" I have a bank account story, too. Guess I'd better put it under Grab Bag.
"Smarter than the average bear" I only speak from experiance and my sergeant major MIL.
That's how us bears get smart...experience. (Sometimes with high ranking officers!) I just posted my Bank Account Story.
Catchingup, I have this incredible mental image of your sergeant-major MIL...sort of Monty Python meets a middle school gym teacher I once had. Regarding the financial thing with DS and FDIL, I agree that all should be in the open to avoid future problems, and do let them help if both are keen - it's a way to show they care.
I found out why she took the money. It turns out that they feel like they were entitled to their share of our tax returns since they cannot claim my husband's student loans anymore. My husband knew about this and agreed to it but failed to let me know what is going on. I don't agree with their reasoning behind it but I would have been less angry if I knew about it!
My gosh! That just seems so bold of them. Shouldn't it have been discussed, openly between all of you?
I wish we could just go in and get back our money for their universities!! We'd be very rich now. We were really stupid;
we thought we should pay for 17 years of school.
Yeah, Chickie! We spent a bloody fortune to keep him from having those loans. I certainly could put it to good use now!
Isn't this something? It's interesting watching people squirm around to justify taking other people's money.
It's a threesome, isn't it? They have the discussions. They make the decisions. They take the actions. You are neither consulted nor advised. This apparently makes sense to them.
It takes a certain kind of person to flourish or even exist in that kind of combined belief system. How does that system look to you? What's the structure?
Guessing, (always)...I would say that when DH came of age, they expanded the family boundaries to accommodate to that. Sex was appropriate as well as someone to bring in additional income and keep house for him in his adult status. That must have made sense to them. If something like that is going on, either consciously or unconsciously, you have no voice.
As I have said, there are those who would fit right in and do well as the invisible, silent, cooperative little "wifey." Some find comfort in dependency. The fact that you brought the issue here, pissed to the gills, makes me think that you are a DP. (In WWII lingo, that means Displaced Person.) You don't fit.
And I'd further guess that you aren't going to win this one. I'd love to be wrong...but there are three of them to one of you. The odds aren't in your favor. Such a belief system has one solution to the present controversy; to out-maneuver you, teach you a lesson and put you in your place. The sooner you learn what that is, the sooner everything will settle down and their definition of peace will return.
Do I have a lot of energy on this? You bet. I stayed in similar circumstances for eighteen years. I married in the 1940s when it was the norm...(and I wasn't.) When I left...DH had no idea why because he had never listened to anything I said for the two decades we were "together." I use that term loosely, of course, there was no togetherness there for me. He supported us, maintained the home and property and didn't drink, gamble or chase women. Job done; case closed. What more could I possibly want? Visibility? To be consulted? A vote? How absurd!
This is a doom and gloom post, I know. I see joy and light for you elsewhere.
I just don't understand how people think that it is ok to take money from their grown child and his wife and think its ok to do it behind her back. Whats worse is that my husband had full knowledge of the situation. I told him that on his day off this week he needs to get his butt to his hometown which is 2 hours away and take his mother down to the bank and have her name removed from the account. If he doesn't then our marriage is really going to have problems. I really don't care if she hates me for this. My marriage to me is more important than her feelings right now and the fact that I feel that she stole from me and my husband pretty much lied to me. I feel so betrayed and deceived and that my suspicions that they don't respect me has been justified.
Oh Kinzey. Is this your marriage or theirs? I know that was a bold thing to say, it's just what came to mind. I'm sorry that your husband is in their relationship. I just don't understand.
I hope he does march his mother over there. If he doesn't have the >>>> to do it, then I'd like to suggest another option. You can open a separate joint account in both of "YOUR" names with nobody else attached, since he is (supposed to be) an adult now and let the other one sit until she goes to the bank herself.
Sorry, still upset that anyone would do this...
Kinzey, I'm sorry. Please don't hesitate to come here and vent!
Sending you hugs! Many of them!
I'm going to suggest a different approach that might help both you and your husband. My husband and I have three checking accounts between us. I have one that's my account. My paycheck goes into that account. He has one that's his account. His paycheck goes into that account. We both contribute a predetermined portion of our paycheck to the joint account. It is for any household related expeditures (groceries, repairs, mortgage, cars, insurance, etc). The remainder in our accounts is ours to do with as we please (with limits. Nothing can be bought that will involve the other in its care like a pet). This way you have the money you need to maintain your household. DH can decide to give money to his parents from his account and it doesn't jeopardize your finances or come out of your paycheck. And you can do what you'd like with your money. It also lets us do surprises for each other without the other one finding out since I handle the balancing for my account and he does his. This doesn't address the bigger issue of your husband and in-laws deciding what will happen with your money without your imput, but it will at least make it where when they do this they're not doing it with your property.
My husband and I firmly believe that with family, neither borrower or lender be. Somehow money always seems to cause rifts, and we're good enough at doing that without anything else to help us.
Very useful and well thought out. The only hole I see in it, is that many of us don't (for me didn't) have anything left over after the regular expenses were handled and a little was set aside for unscheduled bills like new tires, etc.
Clover,
Money really does cause riffs....I do not understand it but I've seen it!! We give...if someone needs something, money or whatever, we give it with no expectation of getting it back.
In fact, we tell the person, "we don't want the money back. All we ask is that you give it, when someone else needs it when
you no longer need it."
I have found, though that even with this, it sometimes causes riffs because the people we gave it to feel bad. The Love of Money
is indeed the root of all evil.
The problem is that it is something all people need! Go figure.
Quote from: Kinzey on March 29, 2010, 09:20:08 AM
I just don't understand how people think that it is ok to take money from their grown child and his wife and think its ok to do it behind her back. Whats worse is that my husband had full knowledge of the situation. I told him that on his day off this week he needs to get his butt to his hometown which is 2 hours away and take his mother down to the bank and have her name removed from the account. If he doesn't then our marriage is really going to have problems. I really don't care if she hates me for this. My marriage to me is more important than her feelings right now and the fact that I feel that she stole from me and my husband pretty much lied to me. I feel so betrayed and deceived and that my suspicions that they don't respect me has been justified.
Kinsey,
This shouldn't be being done at all. All persons involved are taking advantage. You should have been consulted
and an agreement should have been made by you and the parties involved.
Right on, Chickie and Coco and all the rest! Chickie, DH and I do the same when we decide to give someone money - we tell them, "This will never be mentioned again. It's not a loan, it's a gift." We do not want money to come between family or friends. In fact, we've never even brought it up to DS although we probably should remind him of it when he & DIL are putting on airs and treating us like losers, LOL.
Kinzey, I agree with those who suggested that you should just open a new account that the ILs can't access and transfer most of the money over to it. Let the old one die off or make sure you remove your names from it so you won't be liable for charges. Dragging MIL down to the bank is pointless. Dealing with DH is another matter; I don't know what to think about all that. Best wishes on dealing with this very unsettling matter {{hugs}}
I must say, don't we all feel like good MILs after hearing this story?? {{{Pat pat pat }}}
I heard that! Those were some mighty pats
[[pat pat pat!]]
Kinzey, just thought I would check on you. How are you doing? Have you reached any resolutions?
Keeping you in my heart and sending you big hugs! (Prayers too!) :(
Quote from: catchingup on March 27, 2010, 11:38:14 AM
My son offered to pay off our credit card and charge us less than the bank but he would score as he would earn more than the interest he is getting on the money
I refused this offer a while back as I dont like borrowing money from my children
He is visiting with his fiance at the moment and made this offer in front of her again today.
I asked him if he had consulted her as they are planning to buy a house and are planning a wedding.
I just feel that consulting her first is the right thing to do and I doubt he did.
I dont want to hi-jack this thread with another issue but it seemed the right place to ask about this
Am I right in saying he should consult her and should I point this out to him in private or talk to both of them and say how I feel
I think he eventually consulted her because when I told him he should have consulted her first he said"Maybe you are right"
I then had the opportunity to ask FDIL and she said said "Well it depends on the amount"
So borrow I will not--Small or big.
Hope this one stays as sweet as she is.
I dont want the money as I can manage the payments.
They,by the way, are pretty well off.
Re: The topic this thread is about--I think the mother-in-law who took money from their account has rather a cheek and wife should have been consulted
Well we have reached the agreement that her name is to be taken off the account and he is taking care of that so I don't have be involved as the bad guy. I have been asked to go on a 2 week trip to the Middle East for the university I work for as the female "sponser" so I am going to open my seperate account to save for it and my husband has kindly offered part of his military sign on bonus to pay for the trip so I can go. I want to make sure that his mother doesn't think she in entitled to that money too so we need to get her name off his account before she takes it!
Progress! Good for you! And please double check to be sure there are no glitches and she is really off the account.
Kinzey this is great news and I would think you feel much better now. I'm also happy your hubby is leaving you out of the activities (having her removed from the account). I agree with Luise though and would also look forward to seeing the paperwork showing the removal so that I could relax, knowing this wouldn't pop up and surprise me again. Did he also say he would talk to you before doing something like that again?
I hope so. Sending you a big happy hug Kinzey!