March 28, 2024, 06:42:32 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - freespirit

31
Pooh, thanks for answering my question.  I think my sons would withdraw too. And although I did say I think my sons love me in their own bizarre way,..they love themselves way far more. Their pride would stand in the way.

I'm so glad that your life is happier since you have taken that step. I believe, after a mourning period, especially for my grandchildren, my life would be happier too. It's taking that first step, which is at the same time the final step ...that has to be thought through, with all its consequences.

Basically it all comes down to love. If you love someone, you just don't hurt the one you love.
32
Pooh, even if there wasn't a relationship between you and your family,..I think it probably feels better to be the one ending whatever it was. How did your family react, - if at all?

Lilly, I have done what you suggested. And it worked for a while...the longest was three months. They will never change.
I don't want to make a scene in front of the children. The parents are so hyper-hysterical anyway. I believe their mania is why one of my grandsons is developing one tick after the other.

And I think,  because I play quietly  and calmly with the grandchildren that they are so attached to me. I hate the thought of leaving them to their fate,...It truly breaks my heart to the core....but I  don't have any influence on their parents anyway. They told me that quite clearly again,..to butt out of their lives. Asking if they brought my grandchild to a doctor was way over stepping their line.

Ugh. Honestly I have had it.

I'm really venting here...I love this site. I would explode if I didn't have an outlet. Thank you for replying so fast. I find true comfort in your words. Sending you all a hug from a very sad grandma.
33
Yes, you said it in a nutshell jdtm. Being with the family is stressfull. I'm constantly walking on eggshells,..and it's interesting how you said our adult children still see us at the age of 40.
The family has the greatest time, while I'm crawling on the floor building lego houses and playmobile cowboy ranches. The grandchildren are all over me, and won't let me go. Of course I love that the children want me as their playmate, but it is exhausting, and not one member of our family ever comes to help me out. I'm 65, have back problems, and sometimes would like to just watch the family from a far. Then I drag myself off the floor, pull some grandchild off my leg, and get a coffee cup thrust in my face, "fill it up". When I say get it yourself, I'm exhausted, my son has the audacity to say. "I'm the guest here".

And just not to make a scene in front of the grandchildren I take it silently in.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I know alot of grandmothers here  would want more contact to their grandchildren, but families come in packages. It's not just about the grandchildren.

Maybe those grandparents that move away to Florida or where ever are on to something...I find myself mulling over an 'escape' more frequently. In fact that was my first topic here at WW. I was in conflict then, but the way my sons treat me;..the thought of moving away gets more  and more appealing.  8)
34
I need to vent.
Lately our relationship to our two sons has gotten better. However, when I ask myself why...the answer is simple. It's because we tolerate, accept, and swallow a lot of rudeness that our sons, without giving a second thought, dish out. They happen to think it is funny, cracking jokes at our cost, laughing raucously, and discarding any sign of respect, interest in our lives, kindness, gentleness or love.

My husband and I have worked very hard all our lives, often two shifts. We are now blessed in that we have a comfortable retirement. We travel a lot, and allow ourselves many things, that our sons can't yet allow in their own lives. We made it financially possible for our boys to buy their own homes. Now we feel it's our turn to do good for us. But it truly seems that our way of life has caused resentment and jealousies. We have no other explanation as to why they treat us the way they do. For reasons, beyond me, my sons insult me much more than they insult their father. The strange thing is, though, I believe they love me in some weird bizarre way. I know some of you might say I allow their behavior.  But I don't. I get angry, tell them to stop, but it's like I'm air to them when I speak.

Today, for example, we played golf with my son and his pregnant girlfriend. During the golf game he repeatedly insulted me. He kept saying what a lousy player I am, that I have Alzheimers,... I should just forget it, - it's hopeless.  And all this in an angry demeaning manner. Of course I'm not nearly as good a player as my son. However that's beside the point.... His insults and lies were hurtful, and I felt a deep shame - especially being put down like that in front of his girl.

After the game, we went to our house, where our other son joined us with his family for a barbeque. Our six year old grandson suffers under various kinds of ticks. I simply and innocently asked if they have ever consulted a doctor. Well my older son turned on me. He told me to keep out of it, it's none of my business, they have everything under control. He was like a hissing snake. If he could, he would have lashed out at me. I saw it in his eyes.  ... All I could see was an arrogant hateful person, putting me down in front of the family. Once again my stomach knotted, my heart ached, not from son 1, this time, but from son 2.

I have a close relationship with all my grandchildren. But at this point, if someone would ask me, what is more important,.. being with my grandchildren, or discarding the verbal abuse, and not allowing  it in my life anymore. I would forfeit the time with my grandchildren,  -  to finally have peace in my life. Our grandchildren will grow older with or without us. They will go their own ways... Who knows how my loving grandchildren will turn out to be. ....  My sons were once like my grandchildren.  My sons had the priveldge of experiencing a secure and loving  upbringing. I would never have, in my wildest dreams, expected such an outcome.

Meanwhile we grow older too. And the good quality time left on this earth is limited. I don't believe God gave us life so that we hurt over and over again. I believe we need to take command of our lives and steer it in the direction of love and respect.  And if that means we need to steer away from family that hurt us...so be it.

I pray I have the strength to do it. I suppose it's like deciding to get a divorce...but this time from my children. Has anyone here ever turned their back on their family on your own accord? How was it? Did you ever regret taking such a step? Do you spend your time yearning for them, or do you breathe through and think, - free at last? ...I love the sound of those words...free at last.
35
QuoteCan't fix it, cuz you are not broke!  Love means more than that - hold your head up high, take a dee breath in, and take a walk in the fresh air.  Find your wild side, and bust loose!  Anyways, love to all of you, and keep smiling  :D

Soo true. Thank you...we all need to be shaken awake every once in a while.  I needed it today...and  it has helped.

36
Jdtm,...yes...actually I should have known better than to 'wonder' like that.  :( Especially because my own DIL has  issues as well. And the only reason we get along is because I do everything  she says...not only me...the  entire family.... just for harmony sake. 

So, I  am truly sorry that I questioned  why there  must be a reason. Despite the fact that we raised our other granddaughter for three years,  she doesn't trust us with her sons for a minute. And...there is absolutely no reason for that mistrust. The only reason why I can deal  with it is because she treats everyone like that...it's not a personal thing - it's her personality. :o

37
My first reaction to your post was - how cruel! >:(
I can imagine you  are tearing your hair out about this wanting to know why. I  even want to know why!   ???.....I find it odd that your son is even gaining up on you too. Is there something you don't know? Did the grandchildren say something to set this off? I know many ladies here have said they have similiar experiences,..but I can't help but think there must be some reason behind it. I would dig till I  find out...and then deal with it. Not knowing why is simply the pits.
38
Quote
A loan between me and my sons, although always interest free, had a plan for repayment. We never wrote it down as a legal contract but it had to do with their emerging maturity and accountability. If something serious messed up the repayment plan we negotiated a new one but/and I made it clear that any loan not paid back in full would be the last one and no new loan was an option until the prior one was fully paid back to our mutual satisfaction. This must have worked, as it was done that way by them when my grandsons became adults.

Luise, this is excellent advice. I wish I had  done it that way. Our son asked us many times for a loan, but with time his mind was convinced those loans ( ...and I'm talking  about big money..like downpayment for his house etc.) were gifts . When we confronted him, he was insulted and claimed that we have twisted everything around. We have never  gotten a penny back to this day. We have let it go,..but deep inside I  hold it against him, and I hate that I can't let it go, ... especially now, since we are living off our pension plan, and miss that money.  Knowing that  he is now a successful business man, doesn't ease our grudge either. He  is generous with his gifts, though,..so I guess  that is his way of making it good. ... at least  a tiny part of it. I wish I  had Luise's advice back then.
39
Ffootloose...that was beautifully said.
40
Woah! That was a longy!  ;)...I bet it helped to get it all off your chest.  I hope so.  :)

What your MIL needs to learn is  that it's normal for  sons to  call less, visit less, and even think less of their Mommies. They are  big boys  now,  and it's the law of nature for them to turn their undivided attention to their new wife and family.

Have you suggested to your Fiance' that he talk to  his mother  about this? He should leave you completely out of it. As a mother of two sons, I too had to learn to let go. And I hate to admit it, but  I thought  maybe my  DIL was  a little at fault that my son never came around anymore. But it wasn't her fault at all. My son was simply following his instincts. Maybe some neutral  friend could speak to your MIL about this.

Whatever, give her time. Give yourself time...and it will all work out. What a wonderul  DIL you can be. And if your MIL hasn't  fallen on her head or something,..she will realize how lucky she is.

Wishing you all the best for your wedding and future.
41
Excellent post. Inspiring and motivating Thank you! :-*
42
I think the hardest thing to deal with is injustice. You have been treated unjustly, for no reason at all;...and after you have put in so much effort. Gawd...yes that hurts.The problem  with injustice is there is no sensible way to clarify it or justify it or excuse it,  since it's wrong from the beginning.
The only thing I can suggest is you write a letter to them. Leave it for a few days, read it again, leave it...read it again. The letter  should not accuse them of anything. Instead tell them how you felt. Tell them you  cried after they left. And ask them if it is something you do that makes them  distance themselves from you. I have found in the past that  the truth is the best way to go. And if they still don't respond or change their ways, then you know  where you are with them. Then you know you have to make a new beginning without them. It's the struggle that is so painful. But if you stop struggling, you'll start to heal.
43
My sons never ever asked me about my life. So I simply volunteered the information. And if they don't call me,...I call them.

I believe, and it took a long time for me to accept this;...sons tick differently. If they don't have a wife who is behind them and keeps up the contact, well, they simply don't even think about it. I know there are exceptions,...but they are really exceptions.

So I suggest, try not to take it personally. At least your son calls; - even if he just needs you to listen. That is a lot more than what many of us get. It shows he still needs you and values your advice. Actually that is quite a compliment. And in between;  just  give him a call, but not a reproachful one. :)
44
Just want to add that I too admire you for taking control and doing what's best for you. It takes alot of courage. I know, since I've been at that threshhold many times,  but  have always chickened out. The thing is, my sons  often  knew  of my marriage problems. So if  it had or should come to a split, I don't think they would be that surprised. Of course they would try to talk me out of it. My goodness, it's so impractical, as to how they should deal with holidays and such. Whatever... this life is about YOU. You won't have an easy time caring for your mother either. So all the better that you have found  a new man, who can add some  balance. Concentrate on just the two of you. I think that may be the answer to your well being.
45
Hi Monroe,
After spending 6 years as the only visitor and care taker for my Mom, I'm very aware of the stress factor. I have to say though that my mother never spoke about others negatively. I often thought she took too much grief  from others, and didn't stand up for herself enough. Although my mother was a sweet kind and loving person, I still had to organize activity things with her. If I didn't, she got depressed or bored.

Maybe your mom is simply bored and needs distractions. There're a lot of ideas on-line about how to occupy a senior's day. But here are some of the things I did with my Mom. We sang together. I had music books and lyrics, since both of us often forgot the words. I took her out to social gatherings; many of them were free. We went on walks through parks. I took her out on drives, with her favorite strawberry milkshake in the cup holder. I always selected beautiful music to drive by. I read to her, and we discussed what I read. We shopped together. Actually the list is endless. And my own personal mission was to make her laugh, which worked every time. That's when my love for my Mom bloomed. I think the best memories I have of my mother were duringt the last years we spent together.

One time my mother was complaining about her life, something she  did more frequently as she  got older. I then told her it makes me really unhappy to hear how sad she is. I said I give my best to make you feel good, but I guess it's not enough. She said she never realized that her complaining upset me so much.  So maybe you should just tell your mother, gently, of course how unhappy her bickering make you feel. She might not realize how she comes across.

Don't give up on your love. You might just have to seek another way to discover it again.