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Thank you, herbalescapes, for your long and thoughtful response. 

If I were alone, and could decide where I would want to reside in my senior years, I would move to my favourite spot, Lake Constance, in Germany. But,...I'm not alone. And I think insisting on my wishes would be detrimental to my marriage. Ugh. So, I am giving in. there are days though, that I think,...we women really give in a lot for the sake of harmony.
On the other hand; remaining in the vicinity of my family has also its benefits, and I'm trying to concentrate on those, and see the positive side. I just can't imagine moving away with a sulking husband. He would probably do it, but he would be very grumpy about it, and make my life miserable.  So what is a gal to do?

Luise, what do you mean it would be a problem for you? You mean not agreeing or moving away from family?  I just think the older I get, the less "fight" I have in me.

Luise, I can only imagine how heartbreaking this was for you. And I agree, I think recognizing the right time to accept help is also accepting that we need to be flexible.
This is the law of nature; be flexible, like the seasonal changes. 

My husband is 74. I am so afraid he is showing signs of mental decline. But in some things he is as sharp as a pencil. I'm also afraid that I may be influenced too much from the media, and that I interpret plain old tiredness or simple old age confusion with much more serious things. I guess there is nothing one can do anyway, - but hope for the best. But because of his changes, I have a feel of urgency. There are so many things I still want to do with my husband.

I agree with Lousie and Fangle. I hope you can get help Shiny. The first priority in life is, you.  You know what they say in an airplane in case of an emergency. First pull your own oxygen mask on, and then help the person next to you.

Shiny, are you able to get any help at all?

...and a fourth "You go Girl!"...You sound stronger  and stronger in every post!

  What a nice positive topic! Today I played golf for the first time this year. The sun was shining but there was an icy wind. So I played a lousy game,...but still it felt wonderful to breath in the fresh crisp air, walk briskly, and hit that ball in all the wrong directions. hahaha...it was a good day.

I suppose compromising is always the best answer. We have decided to remain in the vicinity of our "good" son; ...but not too close, since we want to have a life of our own as well. You were all so right when you said, I shouldn't allow  our "difficult" son to chase  us away. Why didn't I think of that? lol...Thank you again for all your advice.

Your last sentence is very wise and true:

Quote"When I made up my mind that both my sons are MEN and responsible for their own thoughts and actions, I took one heck of a BIG step forward in life."

I found the greatest comfort from feeling misunderstood, verbally abused and all the other hurts our children or spouses throw at us,...well after the initial breakdown, I actually stood up a bit stronger. And I think that's what you are doing now too. 

It's like I grew above it all, and I found myself enjoying a beautiful solace within a quiet peaceful inner place, from which I could gather my strength, and actually hold  my head up high.

What came of this new me? I gained more respect. Believe me, ..it hasn't stopped altogether, or I wouldn't be visiting this site,..but I have learned  to be my own best friend, and not count on my family to be that for me. It's easy; ... just be loyal to yourself, protect yourself from harm, mother your own ego and be strong. And the best thing about that attitude is; it takes the wind out of their sails.

Hi nikncon, I can only speak from my own experiences with my DS. the more I seem to crowd him, even if I don't,...but he thinks I do ; ...the more he distances himself from me.

You have written to your son.  I would say it's his turn now. I don't know your story's background  ,..but I believe;  crowding an adult child is like pushing him away.

I know what you are going through, Pooh. I raised my granddaughter the first two years of her life. I found the only thing that helped me was to keep as busy as can be. I worked on loads of projects at the same time,...but still, nights when it got quiet,...I felt like a mother who lost a child. But one thing is for sure. You have bonded with the child, and that will remain with the child forever. My granddaughter is now 7, but I often show her the photos of the time she lived with us,...and that time is ours forever.

Hello Helen, 

Your post really touched me. How very sad for you to have had lived through such a childhood.

As a child you are vulnerable and can't take control. But now at 22, you are an adult, and a pretty smart one. I could tell from your post, and especially how good your English is.

You are blessed with your intelligence and the fact that you are attending a college. This is your new life; this is the opportunity for you to open new doors. Close those other doors behind you. Set yourself a goal. Do as well as you can in school, get a good job, and then you, your mother, maybe even your sister can move far away from your father. Hold that vision whenever you feel down.  Feel the hope, concentrate on your studies, look forward to the future and know not all is lost. 

I agree with the comments here. If the baby gets spanked, and that with a ruler! OMG...I would report them too.

How sad that your son accepts this. Maybe you could just sweetly or tearfully or whatever works, slip him some information on child abuse, and plead that he opens his eyes and heart. Try to work through your son instead of your DIL.

If he refuses; then reporting them is the only thing you can do. Don't mention or threaten him with this. I would report anonymously as well.

Hello shiny,

I'm a newbie too. Your post humbled me,..for your problems, especially with your DH illness, are truly  heart breaking.

I think, without yet reading many of the posts in the forum;  it all comes down to one common dominator; and that is; our children, at least a lot of them, are incredibly egotistical. I ask myself why is that so? I too have repeatedly and critically questioned my upbringing methods.  But I can honestly say, we never spoiled our children. We gave them a lot of love, and they have even told us many times that they would raise their own children exactly the same way. But then for some unknown reason, something snapped in our younger son. And I have come to the conclusion that his father and I have nothing to do with this.

I think it doesn't matter if or if not something in the past has caused our offspring to treat us this way. For no matter what has happened we are still the parents. I think it helps to take a step back and view the situation as if you were viewing it from a stranger's eyes.  ( sorry if this has been said before)....But viewing your situation, shiny,  from my eyes,...I would say if an acquaintance or a neighbour or even a friend would treat you like your AD treats you,...what would you do?  And simply go on from there.

By the way, I really liked your sentence in your reply; "In fact, anyone who acts ugly like this deserves grace, b/c they are the ones who are messed up."

Thank you so much for your prompt replies. I live in another time zone, so that is the reason I don't answer right away.

Oh yes, that with making my own boundaries makes a lot of sense. But that son of mine knows which buttons to push, and although I draw the line, it still hurts. I actually am more at peace with my life when I don't see him. We once didn't talk to each other for over 6 months. When he started coming around again, my serenity was rocked. I guess that's why I think  my only way out is to leave. But I will seriously think again about all your wise suggestions. I don't want to leave my grandchildren either,....ugh...who knew that our own children could do this to us. And when I think, I wanted at least 6! My two fill out my life quite completely.

I will visit the forum more thoroughly later on, and try to give back what you have all given to me. Thank you again, and waving to your all from across the pond. 

Hello Dear Luise and members who may read this.

Just after briefly scanning through this forum, I feel I have arrived at the right place.
I have a question for you, and hope that someone may give me advice or share their story.

My question is: ... Is it better to move further away from "adult children" who carry  a grudge and seems to have a mean streak, ...
Or
does moving further away, increase the emotional stress between parents and their adult offspring?

We are in the process of downsizing and we're weighing decisions on whether to stay in the vicinity of our children or move further away...(about  a three hour drive).

My son is plagued by occasional chips on his shoulders.  His moods and attitude towards me are more hostile than loving and more hurtful than caring I am sure the only reason we are still in contact is because we occasionally take care of our 7 yr. old GD.  She is a light in our lives. For this reason, we would like to remain close by. But on the other hand, my son breaks my heart over and over again. Sometimes I would like to just spread my wings and fly far away from the hurt that he so thoughtlessly casts out, and that,... for no reason at all.

So, now that we would like to move;  - well, I suppose now is our chance to truly flee from the never ending hurt.

But in all of this; I still hope, that he may, through our absence, realize what he had in us. It will be heartbreaking not to see our grandchild as often, but between the two choices; the pain and shunning from our son is the worse of the two evils.

What makes this so difficult is, it means, we would leave our other son, his family with two baby sons, to whom we have a wonderful relationship with.

I tend to want to move far away; in a beautiful area, where we can start to live for ourselves, and not be emotionally manipulated through our son. My husband would prefer to stay in our neighbourhood, because of the contact with the grandchildren. I can understand, it will hurt me too to leave;...but I can't take the cruel treatment any longer.

Go or stay? That is the question.