WiseWomenUnite.com

I feel so understood. I can't tell you all what that means to me. Wait,  yes, I can.. I feel lighter.

Lilly, I totally agree with your grandmother's advice. That's why it tears me apart, that my husband doesn't  agree with it.  It took you 3 marriages? Well...maybe  there is hope for me after all.

Stilllearning, I will unload my anger,  or it will eat me  up. I just want to wait another day, because the last thing I want to do is cry . I want to lay down the facts in a cool and calm way, and I'm going to give my husband a choice. Either  he sticks up for me, or I'm gone. And sticking up for me entails him contacting our son and  telling him  we won't tolerate his behavior  anymore.   
Do you know that famous quote that Robin Williams said?
"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone." 

Pooh, I know. I've been living in this no-win situation way too long. I have created my own little world a long time ago; my world of escape. I write novels. But  it's  just not enough.  We'll see how my husband  reacts to my talk tomorrow.

Luise, I'm so glad I shared too. I  used to think my friends must have some secret problems too, but oddly enough,  when I approached them with mine,  I usually got to hear -- I don't  have that problem... it could be the mentality here, in the country that I live in. Anyway, there were too many awkward situations. So now I just don't want to expose myself like that anymore. I miss America, and people with  big hearts,..hearts like  in this forum.

Oh, okay... mind was in a fog. I need to hear from my husband that he's sorry. I need to hear him admit his behavior. He won't, though.  And I don't quite understand myself, why it's so important to me. I wish it weren't so.  I think I'm realizing that  I'm simply not important enough to him. It's so against my own character if it were the other way around. If my son  verbally attacked  his father, I would  speak up, I would help my husband.  I just miss that so very much in my marriage.  I really don't know what to do.

Jdtm, what I had meant by "spontanious visits"- I admit that was the wrong  word...I meant short visits. I just  don't think a 40 minute visit is worth a 3 hour  car drive. My other son lives only  10  minutes from us, but I would never think of just stopping by.  Besides, they usually come to us, since our  house is sort of the meeting place for family.

Still learning...yes you're right.  My son has some  issues, and I think I'm the scape goat, as usual. You know, it doesn't even bother me that much anymore. I've gotten used to his behavior, ( how sad is that.).  But I  just can't get used  to my  husband's wimpy ways, trying to side with our son, not considering how that makes me feel. And when I confront him, he puts on his Mr. guiltless face, and never ever admits that he takes sides. Ugh.

Lilly, what do you mean when you say, put the screws to him...as in ...? Thank you  for understanding me.  This feels so good, I can hardly believe it.  I know there are loving compasionate men  out there. It just so happens  they aren't in my life. 

I  am trying to make myself happy. But I still am happiest when everything  is harmonious.  Who isn't? It's just such a lousy waste of time, all these stupid sad  and disappointed feelings. I feel the older we get, the more precious time is,...and it is sheer time robbery to make another person miserable... . Yes, Stilllearning, I'm  investing  my time in things I love to do...Thank God for  our hobbies and outside interests. They can be such  life savers.

One of the reasons I visit a site like this is because I really don't have an outlet in my private life. My friends  are so happy, have wonderful families and spouses, and when everything  appears, at  least from the outside, as story book perfect relationships,...I have problems opening up to them and  telling them how much I hurt.

In my case, my husband is not my confidant. It seems whenever I open up to him, reveal my sadness...he says the wrong thing every time. He always makes it worse. He has no compassion whatsoever.

For example: This weekend, my son planned to spend an overnight, because he had some business to attend to in our area. I was so happy to have him over, and simply have a good time with him.  Well it didn't take 10 minutes.., when all hell broke loose and he  fled from our home, slamming the front door behind him.

It was a total stupid misunderstanding on his part.  It was about the fact that we were invited to his house two days ago. It's a three hour drive...strenuous, because of all the traffic. Anyway, after just 40 minutes,  he asked us to leave, because  their new born baby was crying,  and  he said it was because  too many people were there....whatever.....So, we told him we understand, and climbed back into the car, to fight our way back through the traffic.  Okay that's the background...  now  fast forward, our son is sitting at our kitchen table digging into the pizza, when he  said it was good that we had left. (others with loud children left as well, ...but that's beside the point.)  Anyway I agreed, saying it was probably too soon to have so many visitors over, and that  his wife  may  also need more quiet. I then said, it's a shame that they live so far away, because spontaneous visits  aren't really possible. After all, for us, it's a long car drive. With that... my son started yelling at me, telling  me I'm egotistical, and what do I expect...him to move closer or something! All the while...my husband sat there and nodded in agreement, rolling his eyes, and confirming my son's statements.

I couldn't believe how he misunderstood me. I was simply stating a fact, that the distance was too far for short visits. That's all.

Well with a huff, he packed his pizza, and was gone.

And my husband?  After our son left, my husband got on me, accusing me of not keeping my mouth shut!

I have so had it.  What is with these men? They have totally misinterpreted my comment. And despite all my protests and trying to explain, which is ridiculous and demeaning, but I did.... Despite that, .... it landed on deaf ears. I am having a very hard time forgiving my husband for taking sides with our son. This isn't the first time;..it's the thousandth  time. I'm so tired of forgiving and moving on... I'm depleted.

So, I am venting to you again,...because putting this in print, and re-reading it... simply  is good for my soul. It is an outlet, and I thank you for listening.

Ew boy... this calls for alot of self discipline. When our son married a woman, who we just knew  wasn't the right one... and after they divorced,...he actually came to us and said we were right....Whatever.....we would have liked  him to be spared of all the grief,....but  who knows, maybe it molded him, and changed his perspective this time around, as to what kind of  woman he needs at his side. Maybe  he learned life lessons that we never could teach him.

Miss Understood...you are a wise mother. I agree, the best thing you can do  is set an example of  a quiet life,...by  making the atmosphere as stress free as possible. I would lay bets that your daughter will be back within a few days..okay....maybe a week. So I would think it will take care of itself.  I'm sure it won't be  easy to see her BF. I know I would have a hard time with that. But maybe when your daughter sees you interacting  with him, she might wake up, because maybe,... ::)he will make a fool of himself.

Welcome psw...don't those old saying speak the truth, - Misery loves company -
But in this forum, it's not only company, - it  helps in healing. Since I don't  ever vent to my "live" friends, like I do here,... (you just never know).... I still needed an outlet,...and this is the most  understanding wise place to go to.
Good for you for yelling back at your DIL! Hah! And that made her stop in her tracks?! But, the percussions are still being felt. They withdraw,... and  punish you  that way. But of course, THEY can flip out and say what they want, - whatever...the difference is: we would never think of ending all family ties.
It all goes back to their egos. Everything revolves around them. It's that way in my case too.
I found the most helpful thing I could do was ask myself the question: - Would I ever  chose  friends like this? No No No..never.
But still,  we keep clinging on to people that keep hurting us, and to make it worse,  we  keep on doing everything possible for them. It will never change. No matter how much we give, no matter how much we love. We just keep feeling that dull terrible hurt over and over again. That's the pits.
So we need to choose  and make friends that  make us happy, make us feel we are worth more than just a furniture piece.
When have we really laughed the most?
When do we fee validated in our lives?
When  do we have a good feeling of  being loved?
I get that with friends, and my online friends too. So all is not lost. The world and all it's people to choose from are at  your doorstep. Sending a hug.

QuoteI realized he was not the same and that I didn't like this person.  I will always love who he was, but I don't like who he has become.

Pooh, you said it.

Cynthia, how wonderful that you have found this haven of sympathetic souls here.   I  stopped by, never  intending to become a regular,  but the women  are truly wise and give real comfort.  My hear skipped a beat when you described holding  your son and sleeping  with him on your stomach for a year.  It  might help to look back  and comfort  yourself by thinking, I was a good loving mother.  None of us are perfect,...but if you gave your son love,  that is the biggest gift of all. If he  refuses to accept this love now, the gift  is still there between you,..for him to take or not. And in this all..I believe   those who are the loving ones, are most valuable to themselves and to others. Those that can't  see this or accept  the love  are the ones  we should feel sorry for. What a loss, for them. ...
And how wonderful that we are on the other side, - the loving side. In time you will be glad that you are the way you are,.. Others will see this  value you for your  good heart and want you in their lives.

Lucy, I think it really helps if you don't like your own child, or at least don't like how they behave or treat you.
If you focus on that, when you miss her...think - what am I missing?
Her attitude?
Her unloving ways?
Her selfishness?
And then think how much you are worth, and that you never ever deserve such treatment...especially from  your own child.
When I miss my son,  I miss a son that I don't have, ..who doesn't exist. I miss a caring loving son, who respects me and values me. And then I think, those women who never had children... do they miss a child they never had? Maybe that's sort of what we are going through.

Then the only thing to do is  ..chin up...shoulders  back.... At least you had the experience of being a mother, cuddling your baby, watching it grow up. It's more than a childless mother ever had...

Now it's time to mother yourself...love  yourself...and make the best out of the rest of your life.
Sorry if I sound like I'm preaching. I'm writing this for me, as well as for you. ?

Oh dear, Annette Marie,  you have three  horrible conflicts going on at the same time:  having to confess to your husband, getting out of the financial mess, and hoping to help out your son,  as well as your grandchildren.

What to do? 

Well, I would start by being honest with your husband, as Luise suggested.  First cook him his favorite meal, give him a drink, and be as sweet as possible, admitting right away that you made a big mistake.
Then I would  try to sell that car as soon as possible, to cover your bills. You can sell it...it's in your name.  Your son will have to  figure out  a solution, all by himself as to how he can get to work. 

You need to stop making your sons problems your problems.  When our son  was constantly on our necks for  financial help, we finally drew the line. We told him, he can always  move back home, but  we   won't pay another cent.

If your son is a single parent, you could always offer to take in the children, till he gets  his life in order. In such a case, I do believe most cities, in every country, would  give you, as grandparents financial  support for raising the children.

Didi, I was just thinking if a friend would treat us as our children do, how would we react?
I don't believe many of us would still hang on to that friendship.

We need, and I'm, talking to myself here,... we need to take a step back, and view our situations from way above. Suddenly it seems clearer to me, that thousands of other people live around me, where I'm sure many could be potential friends, - friends like  a family that we haven't had the privilege of  enjoying.

Athough I have friends, I have neglected at the most part, that part of my life, because my family dominated my free time.

Family?
Family are the people who want you to be a part of their lives. 
They are the people who accept who you are, with all your faults and habits.
They are the ones, who would give anything to see you happy, and who love you, no matter what happens.
They are the people who don't feel trodden on just because you respectfully express you views, which may differ from theirs.

I'm  going to make my friends, my family.

I have invested way too much time, and energy in my blood related family. My children who never truly appreciated my efforts. - just the opposite.  I don't need them to thank me, but I do need some acknowledgement of love and acceptance. I would never want friends  who make me  cry, make me  feel lonely, and cause my heart to ache. 

I congratulate all of you mothers who managed to take that step. I hope I have the strength to follow your example.

When your grandson comes up with that 'real grandma' talk..you could say, -  but dear,  you are my love grandson, and that makes me your love grandma. That makes us two very very special. Then give him a kiss, and a hug, show him some magic trick, tell him that's your secret..just between you and him...and  you'll see...he'll melt.

http://www.ehow.com/info_8130039_easy-kids-not-card-tricks.html

QuoteI know for me, coming to a decision to change something is much much harder than carrying through that decision once made.

How very true..you show a lot of insight, Lilly.
Yes,.. I will

Quotelet their reaction fall where it may.

I'm glad and relieved that my husband is on my side. After all, with my decision, I am alienating him from his sons and grandchildren as well. Although I told him, he can do what he wants, -  but without me. He said no way, and he has had it as well.  I love the feeling that we are together on this.

Thank you for your wise words.

Did I say slow? Oh yes I did!  That was habit of expression.

You are right, Stilllearning... . Infact I have a very good opportunity next week. We are supposed to spend a vacation day with my older son at a farm with his family. Guess who is not going. ..  and while writing that, a feeling of relief fills my heart. So it is the right decision. Of course they will ask why,...I'm not sure what I should say...the truth? Or let them guess by my cancellations.
My poor grandchildren...they won't understand why. And I can imagine my DIL having them call me and having them beg me to come. It won't be easy. Am I showing weakness?  Good Lord, I am!

I have to be strong. I will pull this through. I have forgiven and ignored his behavior too often. I don't want to continue this way. Thank you for your reminder, Stilllearning.

Pooh, Yes, I've been learning  this past year about loving myself. It's a new strange road, but - I really like it. The people around me don't like me so much,though, because this little worn door mat over here, just won't tolerate anything anymore.

It's about time...at 65. Jeez. And yes, Pooh, like you, it's affecting my health too. Our bodies are telling us something. In my case, it's my heart. And even my husband said, we have to stay away from them, or they will be  responsible for something awful.

Still learning, you have written the exact same thoughts I had today. Why make an official ending?  I'll just do the withdrawing, and slowly the visits will come to a halt, like sand in an hour glass. Maybe one of the children will get wise, sense what's happening, and turn the hour glass around. But I'm sure not holding my breath for that to happen. And yes, it's a definite burden on our marriage too. I often think my husband should intervene,-  put his fist down on the table and tell our sons to grow up and stop acting like vindictive teenagers. But my husband never was like that, and never will be like that. And to this day I think that's terrible, because if the same thing was happening to him, my first instinct would be to help him, support him, and show our children we are a strong front. ....but that is another topic... Yes, if we didn't have this stress, our marriage would be better.

Thank you again for  being so supportive. It's wonderful to know that we can run to this place and find comfort and understanding.