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Thank you guys, love my WWU!

I'm a dutiful daughter from another era, up to a point. Since my dad is approaching the century mark I made the decision to take advantage of an opportunity to see him. He's not much for conversations these days (come to think of it, was he ever?) He says he's glad I came, but I'm not getting a lot else from him. No big discussions are likely.

I let SM know I am not buying her lies & manipulations. She got extremely defensive when she realized she'd caught herself in her own web. She backed down, momentarily. It's likely she'll retaliate in some way, she's way smarter than I.

At this point I don't believe I have anything to lose.

NPD does not sound at farfetched. Not wanting to play junior psychiatrist here, but I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Good grief, I'm old enough to be considered elderly by some. Why can't I get a handle on my family issues?

I am still broadsided by feelings of envy, inadequacy, sorrow, anger when I hear about the wonderful things my stepmother/DF have done for her AC & GC when we have been completely left out. Trips abroad for all, family holiday celebrations, expensive, meaningful gifts, help w/home repairs, special trips w/GC, etc.

What's worse, my SM claims it's not true & says I'm at fault for not feeling like I'm part of the family & then minutes later reminisces w/my step sis about their great trip to Europe. Or claims to hate crowded family gatherings & then plans the annual gathering @ the lake (excluding us) while I'm present!

There are photos of her AC & GC all over the house, not one of any of us, not even the one family photo we were allowed to be in 15 years ago. There's a photo of my stepsister's puppy but not one of my kids.

I googled "narcissistic gaslighting" and checked off every symptom. My dad drank the kool-aid long ago. Just call me lucky, lol.

Other than that it's been a good visit 

Thank you both!!

I've been putting off making the commitment to return to counseling for various reasons, but I think you're right about "having someone in my corner to help me see some blind spots." Lately I've been reacting from a place of survival and it hasn't been going so well. I tend to do this when I'm way overwhelmed with Life Stuff. Funny, I can be so clear and balanced when I'm helping friends with their Life Stuff, but a mess when I have to take care of myself! I could use some help for sure.

Hanging in 'til DH retires (he's still got a couple of years) and then we can see how it goes. I expect things will change for the better, especially if I can get myself sorted out.

Love you guys!

As my DH gets older & more tired of working hard w/o much financial reward, the daily grind, home maintenance demands, etc etc, I am seeing my often grumpy FIL emerge. And I see both of these men in my DS's treatment of me (often rude, dismissive, putting me down.) My DS didn't spend much time around his GP, and my DH wasn't as grumpy when the kids were young - but enough must have been observed by DS to have given him permission, I guess. Or it's genetic, I don't know.

It's hard work to stand up for myself w/o causing backlash. Harder to accept it quietly, though. I am working on finding a way to let them know I will not tolerate that treatment any longer w/o creating defensiveness and more of the same.

DH is a good provider, hardworking and honest. He loves our disabled DD, provided massive support for DS through college, and loves his family above all else. However.....

M, welcome to the site.

I have a old note from my DD pinned to my fridge - "I love my Mom!" with a big heart drawn. It reminds me that once upon a time I was "worthy." Still am! And so are you and DH!

Welcome, S. You deserve better.

Welcome, D. I'm glad you found us.

There are still days when I am brought to my knees by sorrow, resentment, envy, etc. etc. but they are fewer and farther between now, thanks to this site and all the WW here.

I'll always miss the close, easy relationship I had with DS. We don't have any other family nearby, and it hurts that DS is more involved with DIL's FOO than with us. But that's how it is, and I get to choose how I want to live through it.

Love and hugs to you, A.

This makes me so sad 

I'm sorry you, your GS, and your family have to deal with this. (((hugs)))

My experience may end up being similar (if/when GC come on the scene) - all the warning signs are there. I'm trying to prepare myself, just in case, without "willing it" to happen. What keeps me going is the reality that as adults our GC can make their own choices. If they haven't been too brainwashed, their curiosity might lead them to their GPs. I want to be ready! I'll be pretty old, but that's my motivation to do my best to stay healthy and lucid.

Oh, there really is no reason for this treatment. It could all be so much simpler, happier, less stressful, more loving. I guess the payoff for some people is worth the drama.

Welcome, DIL!

My DIL and I have had a very rocky relationship. At one point early on I thought she wanted to be close so I slowly opened up and ended up having my feelings and divulgences (re: motherhood, childrearing challenges, etc.) used against me. If she suddenly came to me wanting to be close again it would take awhile before I trusted her enough to let down my guard.

You are to be commended for wanting a relationship with your MIL. Given time perhaps she'll see that your motives are pure and kind. Good luck, keep trying!

I love my WWU crew! Happy mother's day to us all!

Yes, I agree, we need to acknowledge it even if our AC are distant. Time to plan how we're going to cherish and care for ourselves :-)

Sooo....Mother's Day here in the States is this coming Sunday. It can be an emotional landmine for some of us if we're not careful. I've been working on my DS/DIL business for many years (thanks, Luise & Kirk!) and have come a long way. Apparently I still have some work to do - two steps forward, one back?

Usually Mother's Day isn't a big deal to me, but this year I've been kind of emotional lately and I think I need a plan. Anyone else?

Starfire, good for you! Perhaps at some point you can establish a relationship with your MIL, if you both want it. In the meantime I applaud you for not keeping your DH away from his mom. I agree that you may need to nudge him along but they need to plan their time together.

The last time DS and I spent any time alone together I had no clue it would be the last time for many years! I would have appreciated it so much more. I'd love to have a day. I'm up for just about anything as long as we can be comfortable with each other again. Not likely to happen w/o therapy, sadly, but you never know.

Like your MIL, I rarely call and have never dropped in. I vowed to not be "that" MIL when they married nearly a decade ago although I would love to be in closer contact. Maybe your MIL is hesitant to seem like a "buttinsky" MIL?

Now in hindsight I'm thinking I should have just gone for it. I certainly couldn't be much worse off than I am now, lol!

I recently had a little taste of how it could be when I slipped and reinjured an old mountain biking strain in my thigh. I suddenly felt very helpless and alone! My DH was an hour away at work, my go to friends were all dealing with crises of their own, no neighbors available, not even the fire department. I had to slide on the floor to get what I needed (ice pack, pain reliever, walking stick, etc.) and couldn't take care of the simplest of chores for the rest of the day. Depressing (will I still be able to ride/walk/care for myself) and humiliating (what a dummy), not to mention extremely painful (10+)! I have an autoimmune thyroid disorder and lots of inflammation that I deal with daily, so any extra stuff I put my body through makes it take longer to heal.

My hope is that I will continue to eat right, keep up my yoga and other physical pursuits, and stay fit & healthy until I drop dead decades from now out in the garden or on a hike. However, one accident can change our lives in an instant. We just don't know. I'd rather be prepared. My DH feels I'm "summoning" bad luck by wanting to plan ahead.

Yes!