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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: MLW07 on June 18, 2010, 01:00:51 PM

Title: My Story
Post by: MLW07 on June 18, 2010, 01:00:51 PM
I will give you a little of the back-story. From the time, DH proposed things went south. The wedding was not about us it was about accommodating MIL's family. DH and I almost did not get married and almost divorced from this whole thing.

The wedding drama was awful to deal with. My family and I tried to be very accommodating... probably too accommodating. My mom even advised MIL to back off and MIL's response was "MLW hasn't met this hardheaded Czech woman." The wedding was a huge stressor because DH was trying to please MIL's family and me. The worst part was when MIL insisted that her brother be invited to the wedding. DH and I both wanted nothing to do with him after her brother verbally attacked MIL, came after me in a physical way and then threatened to kill FIL and DH  while punching them and throwing them to the ground. That was just one of the many things. It was also made very clear that I was to join their family and ditch mine. They made no attempt to join as a family. That is all DH and I wanted.

After the wedding, all there was from MIL was complaints about our wedding and we were constantly being order to attend functions and events. We were never asked we were ordered. Things just went down hill from there.

When DH's grandmother was in the hospital DH and I both made a trip to Houston after work to go visit. We did not get back home from the hospital until after 1:00 in the morning. MIL proceeded to call DH and leave a nasty message telling him how selfish he was for not calling his grandmother. Me being me and being very protective of my loved one's did something very stupid and that I regret. I shot off an email to MIL questioning her behavior (I shouldn't have). In response, MIL sent the email to DH's 18 year old cousin and she forwarded the email to the entire family. Needless to say, some very hateful things were said in return. DH and I were told we were not welcome around the family and that they hated me and always had. It was even said that I "ruined my wedding with my presence." MIL and FIL did not dispute anything that was said. It was swept under the rug and she defended her family.  No one disputed the things that were said by both 18 year old cousins.

Things went further down here from there. When Ike came through we stayed with the IL's, I was willing to let bygones be bygones, but MIL would not have it. At Christmas (2008) she demanded that we have Christmas in Bay City and neither DH nor I wanted to as she was ambushing us with the family that had said such hateful things. DH said MIL told him that I was no longer welcome at any of the families' houses and it was time for him to choose. He chose me (he should have never been put in this situation).

We have tried with them, I have bent over backwards, and DH has been hurt. We tried to be a family (but I was not allowed to have mine). I was expected to ditch my family. We even invited the IL's to my families Thanksgiving and were told no. They wanted to be with the MIL's family.

DH has said to me that he and I tried our best and that it is up to all of them to fix it. He does not believe they will and they do not think they are at fault (at all). He has lost all faith in them and even questions their love for him.

I want DH to have some normalcy. You will never know how much this has broken my heart. I absolutely hate it for DH and I frankly do not understand how a mother and father can sit by and have nothing to do with their son. It was always made clear that her siblings, godchildren, and nieces and nephews were more important to her. I wish and pray that things were different, but DH and I both have made peace that we have done everything in our power to change things. They really do not know what they are missing out on. My DH and I have lived through this situation and it is pure hell. DH and I almost did not make it through our 1st and 2nd year of marriage. I have not been made aware of everything that happened last Christmas (DH doesn't like to talk about it), but it changed his whole perspective and he whole-heartedly believes that we are no longer at fault. DH and I both take responsibility for our part in this mess, the unfortunate thing is no one else is. It all is blamed on me and several lies have been told about me.

There is so much more that I have not told you, but this is the jest of it. I never dreamed anything like this would happen and I wish we were one big happy family. There has been a lot of damage done and we are owed a sincere apology from all of them (we have apologized for our part and taken responsibility).


This is only the half of it.  MIL made our wedding so miserable we want a do-over.
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: Pooh on June 18, 2010, 01:24:46 PM
Bless your heart.  What terrible hurts she has caused you and your DH.  I know you hate it that your DH was forced into making a choice, but good for him to choose you!  They should have never put him or you in that position.

I know you want to have a relationship with them and you would like to be a big happy family, but from your post here and other things you have posted, I think you are better off without them.  They sound very toxic for you and your DH.  You deserve tons of respect for all your attempts.

Title: Re: My Story
Post by: 1Glitterati on June 18, 2010, 01:33:59 PM
Have a do-over.  Renew your vows.  Have a ceremony and invite only those you want to invite.  If you can...do what you wanted to do in the first place.  If you can't...then figure out what you can do and have a ceremony that is free of their taint.

There isn't going to be any moving forward with these people.  The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.  Honestly...get out now.  You dh needs to get into therapy to deal with his feelings and issues about the way they are.  Y'all should probably attend therapy together also so you can present a unified front when the drama starts.

Based on what little you've posted...I'd run far and I'd run fast from having anything to do with any of his family.  Ever.
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: luise.volta on June 18, 2010, 02:50:05 PM
Oh, wow...what a mess. I think the renewing of your vows is a brilliant idea! You owe them nothing to my way of thinking. You were young...they were supposedly "mature." You think? Move on and let it go. Whew! Sending love...
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: kathleen on June 18, 2010, 03:26:39 PM
MLW & all,

Why have weddings become such drama-fatigues?  I loathe them.  Why can't weddings be simple, the way they used to be, married at home or under a linden tree?  To think that you nearly broke up over it is impossible for me to fathom.  I, personally, have attended my last frills-and-furbelows, ridiculously complicated, over-blown, tasteless-ly expensive wedding, where the bride, who has lived with her fiance for months if not years, is wearing white, and bridesmaids are wearing the ugliest possible dresses ever created, and the stress in the church is so palpable that it's not even funny.  I remember once when I was very young going to a wedding where we sat in the non-air-conditioned August heat, while much time passed beyond the start time, and then the bride finally appeared.  By then my father was sleeping under his sunglasses.  She had spent a half-hour in the ladies room throwing up from the tension.  This is an enjoyable event???? How nice it would be to have a small family-friendly event, not a spectacle.  My wedding was small, simple and lovely.  My DIL demanded money from us for hers, which cost them enough for a down payment on a house, was tension-ridden from the get-go, a horserace to make sure her family came out first in the derby, and a pageant for the inflamed ego of the bride.  She never got the money out of us.  Score one.

Enough already.

Just my two cents.

Kathleen
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: MLW07 on June 18, 2010, 04:28:06 PM
Thank you all for the support.  I forgot to mention that she verbally attacked me at my bridal luncheon on our wedding day.  I think my DH has made peace with the situation, but it is hard when she calls for every special occasion.

Hugs to all.
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: donewithdrama on June 18, 2010, 04:31:52 PM
If I didn't know better I'd think you and I have the same MIL!! My story is quite similar to yours. All I can tell you is it's been tough and I feel as you do, that my DH deserves a kind loving family. He's never going to get it with these sick people he has for family. The ladies here are kind and supportive and have helped me not to form a completely negative image of ALL MIL's. As long as the two of you vow to support each other and have each other's backs you will be fine. Hugs to you  :)
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: luise.volta on June 18, 2010, 04:57:37 PM
What we are learning on our forum is that there are really awful MILs and DILS out there. Every once in a while I dream of loading them up on rafts together and pushing them off into shark-infested waters!  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: Pooh on June 18, 2010, 05:22:44 PM
Ooh we should hold a "boxing" type competion like they do in towns where anyone can come in to prove they are the baddest.  Get all the awful DILS and awful MILS and put them in the ring.  Make them fight to the end and then crown a champion!  Ok, so it's mean, but I sure would enjoy watching!  :P
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: luise.volta on June 18, 2010, 06:59:12 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: willingtohelp on June 18, 2010, 08:50:22 PM
One thing I had to realize was that even without me, or even if I decided to be a total doormat, my DH would still be without a normal, loving family.  That's just how they were.  I had to look at what he had and decide what was best based on that.  Fantasy ramilies happen in Norman Rockwell paintings and the movies, real life is usually  a lot different
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: cremebrulee on June 19, 2010, 04:32:16 AM
The renewing of your vows is a great idea...you could have a picnic thereafter...but it would symboloize a brand new start for both of you. 

I'm very sorry your inlaws have treated you both this way...however they were wrong, and I wouldn't fret in the least about sending that email...your only human and you did at the time what you did in defense...you have learned that you cannot get anywhere with these people, and how sad for them...

Your never going to get anywhere with these inlaws and they're extended family...resolve that in your mind and go forward...you and husband have each other and that is all that matters...what I have learned is, when a son gets married, his wife brings him a new life...and he needs to consentrate on that...yes, it would be nice if you could all get along, but that unfortunately seems impossible. 

I feel badly for both of you, and yes, it is very sad for him, however, the more contact you would have with them, the more hurt and anguish you would experience, therefore, change your attitude and know your both doing the right thing for your self preservation.

Please know your in my thoughts and prayers...this can be worked out...unfortunately, inlaws are missing out on so much, however, they created this problem not you...your better off without them in your lives...and it's ok to feel the way you do...thank God your still together.

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: MLW07 on June 19, 2010, 01:48:31 PM
Thank you all for the support.  I wish it was easy to turn off caring; I hate how this turned out.  It eats me alive sometimes.  I know I need to let it go, but I just can't understand how evil people (especially family) can be.
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: cremebrulee on June 19, 2010, 02:47:27 PM
Quote from: MLW07 on June 19, 2010, 01:48:31 PM
Thank you all for the support.  I wish it was easy to turn off caring; I hate how this turned out.  It eats me alive sometimes.  I know I need to let it go, but I just can't understand how evil people (especially family) can be.

yes, and that's the whole thing about it...we're not used to people like this...and when it happens, its a shock to the entire system....it's not you, it would have been anyone your husband married...they would have been the same...the mind wants to let it go, but the heart can't...in time you will...each of us is different, so the time period is never the same...however, with a lot of research into yourself...you'll build confidence and understand eventually, it is what it is, and no matter what you'd do, it still wouldn't please them.

One suggestion...try very hard to be upbeat for hubby's sake...don't discuss it much...and when he does, listen to him intently...reassure him that it's not either one of your fault...tell him you love him dearly and thank him for his support...let him know your so happy you two didn't break up over it...and someday, perhaps you both can go on a romantic trip together and renew your vows...I know a woman who did that, and they had a fantastic time...something to think about...

Hugs and keep the faith...we're all behind you...

Creme
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: luise.volta on June 19, 2010, 07:00:22 PM
We don't turn off caring...we start to care about and for ourselves. It's a healing process. Sending love...
Title: Re: My Story (Update)
Post by: MLW07 on August 24, 2010, 02:37:05 PM
Hey ladies,

My DH and I found out a couple of weeks ago that we are expecting.  We are very excited and want the pregnancy to be drama free.  I have a dilemma, we do not know whether to tell DH's parents or not.  We cutoff DH's entire family almost two years ago and the drama free life has been great.  My DH and most of his family work at a rather large company in a small town.  News travels fast around the workplace.  My dilemma is I think it is mean for my DH and I not to tell his parents when we both know that MIL will be told about the pregnancy by a coworker.  I think it would be totally mean for some one to go up to MIL and say congratulations and for her to be blindsided.  Am I wrong?  I gave you all the basic background to my story, but it by no means touches all of the wrong that has been done to my DH and I. 

DH and I both have decided that if we tell them, it will not change a thing.  If they want to have a relationship it will be on our terms and it will be their last shot as they have been given tons of second chances.

What would you WW do?
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: miss_priss on August 24, 2010, 02:43:47 PM
Congrats to YOU!!!!!  What an awesome announcement!

If they cut you off, then that means they don't care about your lives, your relationship, or any spin-off of that relationship, ie kids.  The fact that you are still concerned with her feelings shows that you want to keep that door somewhat open.  Follow your heart, but it sounds like if you tell them your drama-free life will be anything but.

Title: Re: My Story
Post by: stilltryen on August 24, 2010, 04:14:06 PM
If I were you, I'd send them a nice note in the mail.  That way you can let them know, but you don't have to actually see them in person or have to listen to them on the phone.  If they start anything up, just say, "It's our baby, our terms."  Set some clear, concise boundaries and don't waver from them.  If they want to know their grandchild, then they have to act in the manner that you've set up.  Otherwise, forget it.  These folks don't seem like they want to do anything but demand you cater to them.  Enough.

And big congratulations!!  That's very exciting for the two of you.
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: Pooh on August 25, 2010, 05:28:18 AM
Congrats MLW!  That's so exciting.  I think you are right on track.  You are such a caring person that it is not in you to just be "purposefully" cruel.   I think you should do exactly what you were thinking.  Tell them but set the boundaries.
Title: Re: My Story (Update)
Post by: cremebrulee on August 25, 2010, 06:05:12 AM
Quote from: MLW07 on August 24, 2010, 02:37:05 PM
Hey ladies,

My DH and I found out a couple of weeks ago that we are expecting.  We are very excited and want the pregnancy to be drama free.  I have a dilemma, we do not know whether to tell DH's parents or not.  We cutoff DH's entire family almost two years ago and the drama free life has been great.  My DH and most of his family work at a rather large company in a small town.  News travels fast around the workplace.  My dilemma is I think it is mean for my DH and I not to tell his parents when we both know that MIL will be told about the pregnancy by a coworker.  I think it would be totally mean for some one to go up to MIL and say congratulations and for her to be blindsided.  Am I wrong?  I gave you all the basic background to my story, but it by no means touches all of the wrong that has been done to my DH and I. 

DH and I both have decided that if we tell them, it will not change a thing.  If they want to have a relationship it will be on our terms and it will be their last shot as they have been given tons of second chances.

What would you WW do?

Well, congratulations!!!!  How exciting....

I understand your concern....and realize what you must be thinking...your kind of caught between a rock and a hard place.

Here is my suggestion....you cut them off, yet, I can empathize with your feelings....for now, if it were me, I'd have hubby sit down and write them a letter telling them about the baby, but re instating, how you feel, that you wish to not change things, otherwise, if you contact them without telling them this, they are going to think this baby is going to change things for them and be right back in your lives....

however, how long has it been that you have cut them off, is it possible that they may have changed some and realized boundaries....perhaps you and hubby could consider having some kind of relationship with them in the future?

I'm sorry, I do forget your background....

anyway, I'm wishing you the best, whatever you decide....but I feel yes, she need not be blindsided by getting the information from someone else second hand...
it's very nice of you to feel that way....

hugs
Creme

Title: Re: My Story
Post by: luise.volta on August 25, 2010, 10:51:11 AM
I agree with Creme. It will be taken as an open door unless you handle it otherwise. Sending contrats and love...
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: MLW07 on August 25, 2010, 12:18:04 PM
Thank you all for you wise thoughts.  I think you all maybe right and that we should tread very carefully.  I will talk with my DH and see how he wants to proceed.  I will keep you all updated.

Thanks again!