Just when you think you are on solid ground, then you have to reevaluate. This is like trying to figure skate in snowshoes...
Most of you know that DD and I have S L O W L Y begun to repair our relationship. Mainly it means I have given her space and have learned to be content even when I don't hear from her for weeks. I have always had the feeling that behind the scenes there must be some kind of other stuff going on because my DD loves me and we have always been close with a few normal ups and downs.
But it really hit home a few days ago when I reverted to my old tricks. DD and family are doing one of those walks for charity...SIL has been diagnosed with something, I will leave it at that. But it explains a lot of the bizarre behavior over the last few years. So I felt so BAD--ugh...why do I always take it on? Feel so bad? Want to HELP them? Oh that mother instinct is so strong.
Anyway, DD showed me the website and I donated to the charity. Then I thought, "Oh, I could WALK WITH THEM." (Nevermind I had not been invited). So I told DD I was going to drive over (this is the old trickster me). Silence on the other end. No Happy Happy mom, to see you...So I tossed around until I got up at 11;30 and sent her a note saying "Second Thoughts." And I apologized for inviting myself. I said I just didn't think that they might not want company and that I had put my foot in it. She immediately thanked me and then she opened up about all the other problems with DH, GK, etc. She has been keeping this stuff secret from me because she was embarrassed. I am glad I raised a strong woman because I probably would have been long gone from the whole mess if I had to have all she has on her plate. I had to refrain from saying anything, even though some of the report was very distressing.
I just said I loved her, I understood, and I told her to remember that no flood lasts forever. She sent a nice email back and liked the flood analogy. I told her to lean on her brother (DS) and to my surprise she said they have been emailing a couple times a week. So that is great news. A mother loves to know that your AC stick up for each other... No doubt DS has told DD that I drew the line with him.
I had to recognize that I was up to my old mothering, smothering tricks. My agenda. I can smile about how fast I realized I had overstepped my bounds. And the repair was easy for a change. Maybe because I was responsible and honest. I was going there for ME, so I could see them, not thinking that even that would be one more thing my DD had to stress about---(and what if I asked the wrong question or upset DH, etc. etc...who knows what our AC have anxiety about).
Not sure how the rest of you feel about this, but even though I won't be seeing family, I am at peace with that. DD was honest and so was I. I realize I can be manipulative and I want that to stop.
You did great! ;)
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Good job Begonia! Give yourself a gold star!
Dearest Begonia, your post brought tears to my eyes. You sound like such a great Mom. Esp how it is comforting to know that siblings will be there for each other. I think I understand just how much you love your DD, as well as yourself, because you gave so much hope that things will get better. You re-confirmed for me that it is maybe possible that there is a lot of other *stuff* going on in the lives of our family that causes them stress, that may be hard for them to talk about, that comes out in a diverted way, creating distance. So glad that your DD opened up to you and you were there. I applaud you for your decision to stay home too, yet keeping the candle in the window, and letting your family find their way home. I'll keep the light on too, and thank you so much for that. Receiving and Sending peace
What a great message to start the day with! Thanks, Begonia
TMB, Kate, Smiles, Doe. Thank you so much. You are kind and wise and I appreciate and love you...You give me such good vibes that I did the right thing.
Smiles: I love your words about the candle in the window...that brought tears to my eyes...Hugs
That was great, Begonia!
What an inspiring post, Begonia :) I loved reading this.
:-\