WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: farrelly80 on September 15, 2011, 12:00:12 PM

Title: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: farrelly80 on September 15, 2011, 12:00:12 PM
Hi all
Not coping today need a bit of WWU tlc. The new GC is due today and after 5 months still not a word from my DS, Not seen my GS in all that time. The worst thing is not knowing if that baby has already been born. I have been ok lately, reading here and knowing so many are in the same sad situation but hard day today. I keep saying to myself it is what it is until it isnt, it does help, but I just wish life could be easy, happy, not always being sad, always at the back of my mind.  I hope and pray that my lovely ds will want to tell his parents that he is a daddy again but i wont hold my breath. so just needed a rant.
xx
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: elsieshaye on September 15, 2011, 02:55:47 PM
Sending you lots of warmth and support, Farelly.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: luise.volta on September 15, 2011, 03:08:22 PM
Regarding "always being sad at the back of your mind"...the way up and out of sadness is sure a rocky one for most of us. When it got to be too much for me, I took a page from our grief counselor's book  and set aside a time every morning to be totally broken up about it. I let myself go down to the bottom of my hurt and loss (alone , of course.) Then I  stop when my time is up...( I was allowed an hour but 20 works for me) and have a good day. If I let the sad stuff stay around, it colors everything and I have a lot to be joyful and happy about. Off the wall therapy but for me, it's a "get-out-of-jail card.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Rose799 on September 15, 2011, 03:23:18 PM
I'm sorry Farelly.  Our dc can be thoughtless & cruel sometimes.  I'm glad you're here; we'll get through it together...  ((hugs))
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: lancaster lady on September 15, 2011, 03:25:10 PM
I love that idea Luise ......it makes you realise how much you have in your life that is good without losing touch with why we are sad , if that makes sense ...... ???
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Begonia on September 15, 2011, 04:28:36 PM
Farrelly:  Sending good wishes to you.  You are a caring person and that shows through here.  Keep confident that this will get better!
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Pen on September 15, 2011, 05:27:45 PM
Farrelly, I'm sorry you're having a rough go. I'm glad you let us know what was going on and hope we can be of some comfort.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: sesamejane on September 15, 2011, 07:55:27 PM
I have been in a similar situation farrelly, but my gd was born in 07.  I have not seen her or a picture of her. For me it is very sad, and I certainly never in my wildest dreams thought this was a situation I would find myself in.  I have read many posts by other women who feel the same. It is baffling and sad.

I heard someone write about starting a scrapbook for estranged gc.  I love that idea, however, I find I am very busy and unable to fiddle too much.  I decided to start "boxes."  I have a trunk for each child that I have put baby clothes, prom dress, family pics and heirlooms, etc.  I find it is too much to do for gc.  But I am looking for nice sized wooden boxes with lids to put treasures in for gc.

It helps me get through some of the blues-went through an antique mall today looking for one.  I have recently had an opportunity to see pics of my gc but chose not to because I did not want to open those wounds just now.  But that is my choice.

I feel sure you will find the support you need on these pages.  Hugs...
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: farrelly80 on September 15, 2011, 08:11:36 PM
Thank you for your kind words and support. I do have a lot to be thankful for, great YS and FDIL who love me dearly. Thanks Luise that is good advice I will try taking that time out to be sad without letting it overwhelm me. One day at a time, who knows maybe when this baby is born my DS will realise family does matter and can provide love and support when times get tough. I know I have good family and friends around me who are always there when I need them. That is a comfort and I do tell them I appreciate and love them for it. I will keep reading and take advice from all you WW it really does help. xx
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: luise.volta on September 15, 2011, 08:16:35 PM
Enought love to go around andsome left over. :)
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: forever spring on September 15, 2011, 10:18:11 PM
So so sorry to hear about your pain farrelly. Lots of tlc from me to you. I don't know you personally but I feel that I do. Take care and hopefully your DS will be so overwhelmed by the joy of having a new child that he will wnat to share the good news with you soonest. Thinking of you ...
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: farrelly80 on September 22, 2011, 04:58:53 AM
Hi all

Had a card today from DS to tell us his little girl was born last week. It was a written card telling us the details but asking not to call round uninvited and they will get in conact when they are ready to do so. Also thanking us for giving them space!!!. Dont know how I feel. Have sent a card to them congratulating them and one to GS on the birth of his little sister. Maybe, its a start to having some sort of relationship with them again. watch this space!!!!
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: forever spring on September 22, 2011, 06:29:27 AM
Congratulations to your new GD  :) A new life and you are part of it. So happy for you.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Pooh on September 22, 2011, 06:38:52 AM
That's great farrelly and congratulations!  The cards were sweet, but please be patient now and wait for them.  What great progress!
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Doe on September 22, 2011, 06:43:25 AM
Yes, that is great news!

Just be happy for them and abide by their wishes.   It sounds like that's what is needed.  You can get busy knitting caps and booties for your first visit!
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: lancaster lady on September 22, 2011, 07:02:16 AM
Hi Farelly ,

and don't you feel 100% better ?
This loving detachment really works for both sides , they know you are there and when they are ready
you WILL get that invite ....congrats   :)
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Pen on September 22, 2011, 08:11:42 AM
Farrelly, I agree that patience is the best thing now. Congratulations on making progress and on the new GC.

I understand about not knowing how you feel. When I think my opinions and emotions aren't valid or of concern to anyone else I become a zombie. We are kind of stuck in an emotional limbo, but that's what it takes sometimes so we don't frighten off the AC & their spouses. Better to see it as loving detachment; find other outlets for whatever it is you're feeling when you finally figure it out.

Slowly, slowly...carefully, carefully...it will happen. In the meantime, please take care of yourself.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Keys Girl on September 22, 2011, 08:35:01 AM
Congratulations on your new grandchild and seeing some progress, it's wonderful to have your patience acknowledged and appreciated.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Ruth on September 22, 2011, 10:35:34 AM
I rejoice with you from the bottom of my heart!   We should never give up hope.  My wishes and prayers go your way, precious one.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: triplelace on September 22, 2011, 02:48:46 PM
so many here will be sending you empathy, understanding and love.
Sometimes a little ranting rides the waves of pain until the tide goes out and
you can feel like it's more manageable.

I experienced a similar situation where I didn't see my GB until she was months and
not much since because of son's GF.  It's still a little crazy, but others have gotten to
a healthier side. 

I tell myself, my son couldn't possibly hang out with this one for too long.  They haven't
married.  But I don't know that either.  Also, I believe this child will be in my life, just not
now.  That helps sometimes.

I wish for you peaceful and comforting thoughts

Lovingly
triplelace
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Nana on September 23, 2011, 03:23:46 AM
Farelly...Congratulations.... Baby steps....excellent....abide by their wishes and things can turn around .....   Patience pays off...

Love
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: triplelace on September 23, 2011, 02:27:51 PM
thank you, lovely sentiments
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: farrelly80 on September 24, 2011, 03:35:39 PM
Hi Ladies,

another developement, YS home for the weekend has had a text from his brother letting him know about the birth of his baby girl. This from someone who didnt want to have anything to do with his family. Do I detect a thaw, what do you think, can I have some hope??
Please God we will get to see our GD soon, the waiting is so hard, although with your insight and thoughful comments I am biding my time, my YS's FDIL thinks that something will happen soon. she is a midwife and has seen so often that a new baby can bring deep feelings out in the open. Fingers crossed, just dont know how I will react, its very raw, but loving detatchment as you all have said is the way forward. will keep you posted, my lifelines xxxxx
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: triplelace on September 24, 2011, 04:39:09 PM
And all our fingers will be crossed with you.

Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: sesamejane on September 24, 2011, 09:35:34 PM
congratulations Far.  I am happy to hear you are receiving sweet news.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: farrelly80 on October 05, 2011, 01:00:45 PM
Hi all

well still no contact, it seems to be geting harder this waiting for a call or text. I seem to have regressed some months back to the raw state I was in then. My wonderful DH I think is finding it much harder than me, but is trying to hide it (not very successfully) and that hurts so much. I cant cope when he is upset as he has always been my rock and I have been the emotional wreck. My family and friends are still convinced that the new GB will bring things to a head but I am not so sure. The DIL has got what she always wanted and is not going to give that up so easily. Why o why does it have to be like this, when life could be so wonderful for us all. I want to go out and buy lots of pretty pink baby clothes, Ive always longed for a little girl after having 2 boys, (and the DIL knows this) How cruel can a fellow Mother be, and why cant my DS step up???.
Sorry just needed a rant, my best friend tells me to be patient, but the waiting is so hard, and they may still not get in contact. The future looks bleak with the thought that maybe I wont ever see my GS again or the new GB.
Will keep hoping and praying for a breakthrough, just have to be patient.
Thanks for listening
farrelly
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: triplelace on October 05, 2011, 01:27:07 PM
Dear farrelly80

I am feeling you, and we are not the first grandma's who have had to go through this in the history of mankind.  These thoughts help me to know it is happening in my life, but it is not happening uniquely or because of who I am. I don't have any solutions and seem to have to accept my own powerlessness in my own situation.  I can tell you what works for me.

In my life time I have heard of many estranged grandparent/grandC who do get together eventually.  I tell myself this isn't terminal, there are many potential outcomes that can occur in any of the parties involved in our situations that can change what's going on. I also tell myself and BELIEVE;Someday, maybe not in my time, but Someday my GC will be in my life.   

I try to re--focus my thinking as;  for me to remain in constant emotional pain is not a healthy activity for my soul or my body and doesn't change things anyway.

I try to handle this task in front of me as the next thing I have to do.  Which for me means I need
to choose the best and highest possible action to take care of myself, then continue to give  and lovingly be where it is wanted.

I forget are those involved in their twenties?

Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: farrelly80 on October 05, 2011, 01:39:57 PM
Hi triplelace

yes they are both in their late twenties. had my GS when they were in Uni,he is now 7.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Pen on October 05, 2011, 01:56:17 PM
Farrelly, I'm sorry you're still dealing with this. Please take care of yourself, be as nurturing as you can be to your DH as well. Keep the faith that DS will understand, as a father himself, how difficult this is for you. (((hugs)))
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Pooh on October 05, 2011, 01:59:58 PM
Ditto Farrelly
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: orphanedmominmn on October 06, 2011, 12:35:26 PM
What a rollercoaster ride -- even just reading the posts. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. My prayers are with you that it is resolved quickly and you'll be holding your new granddaughter very, very soon!
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: farrelly80 on October 25, 2011, 02:18:09 PM
Hi all
well still no contact and not feeling that great. Cant believe how cruel this is. Keep hoping and praying but will have to try and resign myself to the fact that my DS will not be in touch. Six months since we saw our beloved GS and the hurt is still as bad. Have no idea what the new baby looks like. I really am trying not to think about it constantly but it is all consuming. I do things to keep busy, go out with DH and friends and have had some great times lately. I just want to feel content in myself, not constantly wondering if he will contact us. Does this pain ever go away. I go from angry to sad to resigned back to angry, its burning a hole inside me. really really cannot think that DS is happy with this situation. But he must be, otherwise he would come to see us.
Sorry, sorry just needed to vent, rant, cry, I know you wonderful ladies out there in cyberspace will empathise with me and let me get it out. I know what to do to help get through it, its just hard today. Wouldnt it be great if you could switch off your thoughts at the touch of a button and not have it all swirling around inside constantly.
Actually feel a tad better thats off my chest
Thankyou
F xx
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Nana on October 25, 2011, 04:23:32 PM
Dear Farrell

Yes all  pain goes away sometimes it takes longer because we dont let go so easily.  And that is only normal, how can we let go of dreams, expectations and family.  Its a tough one. 

Hope things turn around....they do many times.  Dont lose hope...but in the mean time, let go...as Luise said "We had a life before our children"so come on lets rescue it.  I would add, we were someone elses kid also....we as they, deserve a good life.

Please keep posting and vent any time you need, we are all for you.

Love
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: lancaster lady on October 26, 2011, 12:39:59 AM
Dear Farell .....:I hear and feel your pain in your words ...try not to let this sadness envelope you completely .Have you sent a gift for the newborn to let them know you care ? If was me I would , this.baby is your gc and of course you care , just to let them know you love her ......sending hugs.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Pooh on October 26, 2011, 01:14:42 PM
I hope today is better farrelly.  You know we all need to vent and release sometimes.  You got this.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: Pen on October 26, 2011, 07:35:29 PM
Farrelly, thinking of you. Please take care of yourself, do something nurturing and fun.
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: themuffin on October 27, 2011, 01:09:34 PM
Hi Farley,
   

    I just wanted to send you a cyber hug.  I know none us ever imagined when we became mommies that some day we would end up here. It's baffling to the mind to wonder how the ones we loved so much are the ones who are hurting us.  You wonder how they can be so cruel when we've done nothing but love them, perhaps not perfectly, but loved them none the less. 

  I don't know if I agree that the pain you feel will eventually go away.  I think that you may always feel some pain.  Mothers are like that.  But I do think that it will lessen and become tolerable in time.  My son and I are on speaking terms.  However, we rarely speak and we rarely see him (I send him a text a couple of times a month and maybe he'll stop by now and then to get his mail).  He and FDIL just moved into a new apartment not far from us.  We don't exactly where.  Haven't seen it and suppose we never will.  We were also told that FDIL is pregnant and it may be twins.  I don't imagine I will have a relationship with these babies if that is true.  It tugs at my heart at times, but I don't dwell on it.  DS is alive and well and happy, I think.  That will have to be enough for me.  I'm alive and well and happy.  You need to be happy.

Sending hugs
Title: Re: not coping very well need some tlc
Post by: farrelly80 on October 28, 2011, 12:30:32 AM
Thankyou all for your kind words. Yes I know the pain will be always there but I hope it may lessen with time. Never thought my life with DS would turn out like this. I am so gateful for this site, its a Godsend to all us mums in the same or similar situation. Sending hugs and love to all and thanks again, its like a pressure cooker of emotion that builds up and has to be let out, and its safe to do it here and not with the ones who are the cause.
xxx