A dear friend just sent me this article by Dr. Joshua Coleman:
WHEN SHOULD I STOP TRYING TO REACH OUT TO MY ADULT CHILD?
I often get asked this question by parents who have been through an estrangement. I think it's an important question so I'm posting it here and on the NYT's website where the article is.
I don't think that parents are required to reach out forever to their adult children, nor do I think it's always productive for them. Many parents come to a point where they feel too traumatized by the ongoing rejection, blame, and anger of their adult children, and choose to make peace with the loss of their child, rather than continue to be hurt by them. Parents who have been loving and dedicated may be especially damaged and disoriented by continuing to reach out to a child who continues to blame them for something that they didn't do or for advocating a narrative of their childhoods that is so at odds with their own.
If a parent is confused by an estrangement it may be because they're in denial or overly defensive, as some adult children argue. On the other hand, it may be that their child's perspective of them and their lives together is so different from theirs that they are completely at a loss for how to respond.
I do recommend reaching out early on in an estrangement in order to understand and make sense of why the child has initiated it. There are separate realities in every family and it's reasonable for a parent, as a parent, to try to comprehend why the adult child feels the way that they do. In addition, some parents give up too soon because of the intense feelings of loss, anger, guilt, and humiliation that an estrangement creates in them.
So, in the early phase, I recommend that you send birthday and holiday gifts, emails, phone calls on a somewhat regular basis to demonstrate your commitment, dedication, and willingness to take a long, hard look at yourself and whatever part you play in your child's unhappiness with you or with the way that their life has turned out. Assume that this may be a matter of years, rather than months.
However, if a child isn't a minor and has very clearly stated that they want absolutely no contact with you after you have dedicated a reasonable amount of time and effort trying to re-connect, I think it is reasonable for you to work toward grieving the loss of that child, healing your anger about feeling so misused and misunderstood, addressing your emotions of guilt and regret, and resolving the inevitable feelings of heartbreak that come from being rejected by your own child. It's no small task. But, as some of the parents in my practice have shown me, it's sometimes easier if you just let go.
Luise
Good post.....
I absolutely agree with Dr. Joshua Coleman. It will be very helpful for many moms who are dealing with this kind of loss.
Thankis Luise for sharing
Thanks Nana, for reading! ;D Sending love...
I agree Luise,this is very good.I have been trying for 6 yrs.What ever their issues are,i'm not going to let it effect me any more.By deciding to just let go,i feel more peace.I cant keep putting my self thru the heart ache.I guess i have been in denial.I know there will always be a hole in my heart,but i will make it thru this.I know i was a good Mom,and they are the ones that are really, really missing out,more than me.
Thank you Luise for the post,and WWU
You're welcome...thanks for being a contributor! ;D Sending love...
Last night I read the article again on the NYT website, complete with reader's comments. It was quite different from reading it here; there is a lot of unresolved anger towards parents out there! I've been thinking about it since then, wondering where my situation fits on the scale of "worst parents ever" to "walks on water" and why some children can accept being the progeny of average humans and some cannot.
MILs who want to mend the rift are in a difficult spot; if we continue emailing and calling it can be interpreted as stalking and backfire on us. If we back off it can be seen as disinterest (as in the "should I respond to DIL's email" thread elsewhere.) I certainly understand that there were needs, perhaps unknown to me at the time, that my DS feels were not met. While he was growing up, I made sure to let him know that I didn't consider myself the end-all, be-all in parenting strategies but that he was loved and we were doing our best to make sure his needs, and his sibling's very different needs, were met. I did this because my own parents led me to believe they were the world's most amazing, in -tune parents and when I didn't feel accepted and loved by them it was my fault for being unacceptable (can you imagine feeling that way as a young child?) I didn't want my kids to suddenly wake up as young adults and realize that I wasn't as advertised.
"Respect" comes up a lot in the comments for this article, as well as here. I'm beginning to think it's a bit of a slippery slope to decide whether or not to maintain a relationship with parents or ILs based on whether or not one respects them. For instance, if someone like my DIL decides that only wealthy, ambitious people are worthy of respect, and that my DH & I don't fit her rubric, we're out. Instead of seeing how honorable and giving and socially-conscious and funny and caring and hardworking we are, she might feel justified in saying, "I don't respect you. Until you earn my respect, you aren't worthy of a relationship with your son or grandkids."
Because respect means something different to everyone, it's an unfortunate emotion to bring into already tenuous relationships. I work with people who have done some things in their personal lives that I don't respect, but in their professional lives they're amazing - it is possible to separate those feelings and treat them with professional courtesy while not pursuing an outside relationship. I don't respect my dad for treating my mom and us kids poorly, but he is my dad and the positive things he gave us aren't diminished by his poor relationship skills. He opened up a world to me that few kids get to experience.
Can our adult children and their spouses possibly try accepting the good in us and letting go of the things they perceive as less than good? They'll have their chance to raise their children how they see fit using everything they learned from our mistakes...do we also need to be cutoff?
I realize I'm thinking aloud here and I apologize.
Hi, P. - Yes, I read that, too but thought it was too much to reprint here. Thanks for your thoughtful and useful post. When you "think out loud" here it is always a gift, not something to apologize for. I think we often look for logic where there is none, don't you? Sending love...
Luise,or penstamen where is that article?Do you have the link to the web site?
This isn't the same one...but it's great because it's the author's Website and Forum:
http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/forum/when-parents-hurt/
Thank you Luise :)
"why some children can accept being the progeny of average humans and some cannot. "
Penstamen, the assumption that all the angry posters had "average humans" as parents isn't necessarily true, unfortunately.
I'm talking about the average ones, not the abusive ones. In the article Dr. Coleman is talking about average, non-abusive parents who are cut off.
A really important distinction.
Ah, sorry Penstamen - I thought you were referring to the commenters (all 46 pages of them - yikes!!) not the article itself. There were some pretty awful situations there.
This article was writen by... Joshua Coleman.... the same one that wrote the book................ When parents Hurt
Quote from: Pen on May 23, 2010, 08:20:46 AM
Last night I read the article again on the NYT website, complete with reader's comments. It was quite different from reading it here; there is a lot of unresolved anger towards parents out there! I've been thinking about it since then, wondering where my situation fits on the scale of "worst parents ever" to "walks on water" and why some children can accept being the progeny of average humans and some cannot.
MILs who want to mend the rift are in a difficult spot; if we continue emailing and calling it can be interpreted as stalking and backfire on us. If we back off it can be seen as disinterest (as in the "should I respond to DIL's email" thread elsewhere.) I certainly understand that there were needs, perhaps unknown to me at the time, that my DS feels were not met. While he was growing up, I made sure to let him know that I didn't consider myself the end-all, be-all in parenting strategies but that he was loved and we were doing our best to make sure his needs, and his sibling's very different needs, were met. I did this because my own parents led me to believe they were the world's most amazing, in -tune parents and when I didn't feel accepted and loved by them it was my fault for being unacceptable (can you imagine feeling that way as a young child?) I didn't want my kids to suddenly wake up as young adults and realize that I wasn't as advertised.
"Respect" comes up a lot in the comments for this article, as well as here. I'm beginning to think it's a bit of a slippery slope to decide whether or not to maintain a relationship with parents or ILs based on whether or not one respects them. For instance, if someone like my DIL decides that only wealthy, ambitious people are worthy of respect, and that my DH & I don't fit her rubric, we're out. Instead of seeing how honorable and giving and socially-conscious and funny and caring and hardworking we are, she might feel justified in saying, "I don't respect you. Until you earn my respect, you aren't worthy of a relationship with your son or grandkids."
Because respect means something different to everyone, it's an unfortunate emotion to bring into already tenuous relationships. I work with people who have done some things in their personal lives that I don't respect, but in their professional lives they're amazing - it is possible to separate those feelings and treat them with professional courtesy while not pursuing an outside relationship. I don't respect my dad for treating my mom and us kids poorly, but he is my dad and the positive things he gave us aren't diminished by his poor relationship skills. He opened up a world to me that few kids get to experience.
Can our adult children and their spouses possibly try accepting the good in us and letting go of the things they perceive as less than good? They'll have their chance to raise their children how they see fit using everything they learned from our mistakes...do we also need to be cutoff?
I realize I'm thinking aloud here and I apologize.
no, don't apologize, you've presented some very interesting topics Pen...enjoyed reading and thinking about it....and you've bought forth room for discussion....
I'm going to think out loud here to, what I'm writing, doesn't necessarily include anyone here, however, while anyone here is reading, if it does apply, perhaps it might give someone food for thought? But please don't feel a need to become defensive or like you must defend your situations....you all know your situations personally, I don't, so, take what you want and leave the rest.
Quotethere is a lot of unresolved anger towards parents out there! I've been thinking about it since then, wondering where my situation fits on the scale of "worst parents ever" to "walks on water" and why some children can accept being the progeny of average humans and some cannot.
Pen, is it "unresolved anger" due to situations with DIL's and her inlaws? or is it all different issues?
Your situation is unique, and rather selfish on your DiL's part...and I'm hoping, your DS catches on pretty quick and cleans up this whole mess with her, stating to her, that you are his parents and you need quality time.
QuoteCan our adult children and their spouses possibly try accepting the good in us and letting go of the things they perceive as less than good?
I believe it's all about accepting people for who they are, and I'm directing this to both sides of the coin. I was thinking this morning, how when my son and DIL got married, this vision in my head of how I thought and simply assumed things were going to be...then I smiled and thought "how utterly foolish of me!"
My point is, and again, this is not directed at anyone...
This is all about perception...and the way we were raised to think and believe...we can't expect others to think and feel the same way, b/c when we do, that is what starts trouble. We have to learn to allow, and go forth with our own lives, being thankful for the moments we do get, and don't fight it....we have to learn not to take things so personal and become so hurt when our children do not live up to our expectations....we can't always have our way.
I've also done years of research online, and perhaps this is something we can all think about, only you as individuals know yourselves....speaking for me, I had a tough life, and came out scarred somewhat as we all do....I was insecure...didn't possess much confidence....and was afraid people were going to hurt me....so, when my son married, "He was my world" and I expected him and his wife to live up to my expectations....I thought she was going to love me instantly, as I loved her....but she didn't even know me for God's sake? I walked into her home, like it was my own home, completely taking over....her Thanksgiving Dinner....I went against her wishes and argued the fact that I wanted to potty train her daughter, that was her daughter, not mine, I had my turn raising my child...now it was someone elses turn...and regardless of how foolish I thought her rules were, they were her rules, period....and that is part of what started trouble.
Ok, getting back to having a hard life, I've noted that most of us here have had difficult lives, which leaves scars...leaves us feeling insecure, with very little confidence...we made our families our lives....and felt secure within that unit....however, when our son's married, and again, I'm thinking out loud here....we expected, them to be as they were, very close to us, adopting our traditions, and continuing the family unit as it was...and when they didn't, the first sign of not accepting any of our rules, ideas, thoughts, traditions, instead of realizing, that hey, this is them, this is what they want to do, so, let them, we instead took they're actions of not wanting to be with us as a personal attack and became very devistated, maybe even acted out, or called them on it, and when we tried to talk to them about it, they tried to explain to us, that "Hey, we just don't want to be there, we want to go to her parents home", we thought there was some evil ness going on and they disliked being around us....but there wasn't...it was simply that son wanted to make DIL happy, and he agrees to be with her parents....
The lack of self esteem in ourselves can cause us to take issues with others wrong...and there is also the part which Pen brings up about being able to tollerate some people out in the work force, but not being able to be around them on a personal level.
It might be the same with our DILs, which brings a couple of senerios here...
1. Not everyone can get along or like each other...it's merely a conflict of personality...doesn't mean one or the other is a terrible person, we just are different.
2. We are unable to view the ideas, thoughts and traditions of others as who they are, and take it personal when someone says to us, "I don't agree", however, it's ok, not everyone is going to agree with us...with how we think and feel, and if we could only accept that, we can accept the fact that hey, it's not personal, it's a conflict of interest, and I'm simply going to accept that person for who they are.
When we can't realize, people are people, they don't mean anything personal towards us, they are simply being who they are...and they are not going to change, and we're certainly not going to change them to our way of thinking...
I believe a lot of issues might resolve themselves if we could conclude.
Also, if we are insecure, we are going to worry about every thing on the face of this earth, and everything in our lives seem negative....because of the way we were raised, we are unable to view the positive and be thankful for what we have, we actually view the negative and make that paramount...
In other words, I go to a family reunion....and have a very good time all day, however, there is a family member there who says one thing, that offends me, so, I have two choices, I can ignore what that person said, and place the event in my mind as a great day, by viewing this person, as who he/she is, a person who is miserable and trying to simply bring me down, so...I ignore whatever that person said, or did, and have a perfectly good day...cuz compared to that one tiny thing that person said, the whole day was incredibly beautiful! It's all about reconditioning your self, not to worry or look for the negative.
I know my foster mom thought worry gave her whole life purpose...and that was supposed to be the way it was...she's drive us all nuts...instead of looking for the good in things, she chose to look for thing that would get her upset and dwell on them to the point of getting everyone else around her upset...
It's all about reconditioning ourselves....
and learning how to seperate the small stuff not allowing it to dictate how we're going to feel for the rest of the day....
and accepting people for who they are....accepting things we can't control, and moving on to the next adventure in our lives....
again, nothing in this post is directed at anyone here, just thinking out loud, and if it fits, fine, use it to the good, instead of taking it personally as an insult....if not, move on to the next post....
all I'm saying is, maybe this does apply to someone here, maybe not...but if it does, then perhaps it might gain you some insight....
it did me....when I started realizing these things about myself....
creme
p.s., Pen, go figure, see how our minds work, your post sparked these thoughts in my mind, talk about different perspectives huh.... ;D
QuotePen
I realize I'm thinking aloud here and I apologize.
no, don't apologize, you've presented some very interesting topics Pen...enjoyed reading and thinking about it....and you've bought forth room for discussion....
I'm going to think out loud here to, what I'm writing, doesn't necessarily include anyone here, however, while anyone here is reading, if it does apply, perhaps it might give someone food for thought? But please don't feel a need to become defensive or like you must defend your situations....you all know your situations personally, I don't, so, take what you want and leave the rest.
Quotethere is a lot of unresolved anger towards parents out there! I've been thinking about it since then, wondering where my situation fits on the scale of "worst parents ever" to "walks on water" and why some children can accept being the progeny of average humans and some cannot.
Pen, is it "unresolved anger" due to situations with DIL's and her inlaws? or is it all different issues?
Your situation is unique, and rather selfish on your DiL's part...and I'm hoping, your DS catches on pretty quick and cleans up this whole mess with her, stating to her, that you are his parents and you need quality time.
QuoteCan our adult children and their spouses possibly try accepting the good in us and letting go of the things they perceive as less than good?
I believe it's all about accepting people for who they are, and I'm directing this to both sides of the coin. I was thinking this morning, how when my son and DIL got married, this vision in my head of how I thought and simply assumed things were going to be...then I smiled and thought "how utterly foolish of me!"
My point is, and again, this is not directed at anyone...
This is all about perception...and the way we were raised to think and believe...we can't expect others to think and feel the same way, b/c when we do, that is what starts trouble. We have to learn to allow, and go forth with our own lives, being thankful for the moments we do get, and don't fight it....we have to learn not to take things so personal and become so hurt when our children do not live up to our expectations....we can't always have our way.
I've also done years of research online, and perhaps this is something we can all think about, only you as individuals know yourselves....speaking for me, I had a tough life, and came out scarred somewhat as we all do....I was insecure...didn't possess much confidence....and was afraid people were going to hurt me....so, when my son married, "He was my world" and I expected him and his wife to live up to my expectations....I thought she was going to love me instantly, as I loved her....but she didn't even know me for God's sake? I walked into her home, like it was my own home, completely taking over....her Thanksgiving Dinner....I went against her wishes and argued the fact that I wanted to potty train her daughter, that was her daughter, not mine, I had my turn raising my child...now it was someone elses turn...and regardless of how foolish I thought her rules were, they were her rules, period....and that is part of what started trouble.
Ok, getting back to having a hard life, I've noted that most of us here have had difficult lives, which leaves scars...leaves us feeling insecure, with very little confidence...we made our families our lives....and felt secure within that unit....however, when our son's married, and again, I'm thinking out loud here....we expected, them to be as they were, very close to us, adopting our traditions, and continuing the family unit as it was...and when they didn't, the first sign of not accepting any of our rules, ideas, thoughts, traditions, instead of realizing, that hey, this is them, this is what they want to do, so, let them, we instead took they're actions of not wanting to be with us as a personal attack and became very devistated, maybe even acted out, or called them on it, and when we tried to talk to them about it, they tried to explain to us, that "Hey, we just don't want to be there, we want to go to her parents home", we thought there was some evil ness going on and they disliked being around us....but there wasn't...it was simply that son wanted to make DIL happy, and he agrees to be with her parents....
The lack of self esteem in ourselves can cause us to take issues with others wrong...and there is also the part which Pen brings up about being able to tollerate some people out in the work force, but not being able to be around them on a personal level.
It might be the same with our DILs, which brings a couple of senerios here...
1. Not everyone can get along or like each other...it's merely a conflict of personality...doesn't mean one or the other is a terrible person, we just are different.
2. We are unable to view the ideas, thoughts and traditions of others as who they are, and take it personal when someone says to us, "I don't agree", however, it's ok, not everyone is going to agree with us...with how we think and feel, and if we could only accept that, we can accept the fact that hey, it's not personal, it's a conflict of interest, and I'm simply going to accept that person for who they are.
When we can't realize, people are people, they don't mean anything personal towards us, they are simply being who they are...and they are not going to change, and we're certainly not going to change them to our way of thinking...
I believe a lot of issues might resolve themselves if we could conclude.
Also, if we are insecure, we are going to worry about every thing on the face of this earth, and everything in our lives seem negative....because of the way we were raised, we are unable to view the positive and be thankful for what we have, we actually view the negative and make that paramount...
In other words, I go to a family reunion....and have a very good time all day, however, there is a family member there who says one thing, that offends me, so, I have two choices, I can ignore what that person said, and place the event in my mind as a great day, by viewing this person, as who he/she is, a person who is miserable and trying to simply bring me down, so...I ignore whatever that person said, or did, and have a perfectly good day...cuz compared to that one tiny thing that person said, the whole day was incredibly beautiful! It's all about reconditioning your self, not to worry or look for the negative.
I know my foster mom thought worry gave her whole life purpose...and that was supposed to be the way it was...she's drive us all nuts...instead of looking for the good in things, she chose to look for thing that would get her upset and dwell on them to the point of getting everyone else around her upset...
It's all about reconditioning ourselves....
and learning how to seperate the small stuff not allowing it to dictate how we're going to feel for the rest of the day....
and accepting people for who they are....accepting things we can't control, and moving on to the next adventure in our lives....
again, nothing in this post is directed at anyone here, just thinking out loud, and if it fits, fine, use it to the good, instead of taking it personally as an insult....if not, move on to the next post....
all I'm saying is, maybe this does apply to someone here, maybe not...but if it does, then perhaps it might gain you some insight....
it did me....when I started realizing these things about myself....
creme
p.s., Pen, go figure, see how our minds work, your post sparked these thoughts in my mind, talk about different perspectives huh.... ;D
here is something else I've learned....
when I was young, if I'd go somewhere, or have a party, I'd make up this vision in my head, expecting it to play out exactly as I planned, and when it didn't, it was a miserable time....why? Because I expected it to be one way, mine, and when it didn't play out like the movie I made up in my head, I was so disaapointed...what I did, was set the entire event up to fail...
same with marriage, when we get married we expect it to be a certain way....the way we grew up, the way our parents were and acted towards each other...however, our spouse has a totally different idea in his head, what marriage should be, and we set each other up to fail...and that is why so many marriages fail today...I never ever want to live someone else's idea of what a marriage should be again....ever....
I want to live my ideas, my dreams and be who I am....and I'm perfectly happy now, alone but not lonely....
I am learning to be alone and not lonely, too, Creme. Better late than never. We do write scripts for others, don't we? And then we find they have written them for us. Oh, oh! Sending love...
www.drjoshuacoleman.com......................He was on the Today show,there is a clip on his web site
Louise and Pen,
Very interesting articles.
Thank you.
Penn,
Thanks for writing with clarity and deftness. You reminded all to not be so defensive. Not everything is to be taken personally. Not every word is intentionally spoken to hurt. I intend to reread your words.
I am here to learn how to be better not bitter. Just one letter apart but in reality, lives apart. I hope I can let go of my unrealistic expectations, be a better person and enjoy whatever and wherever time is spent with my dh, ds & dd and families.
Hope for better lives for all.
Thank you for your comments, Hear2day. I hope for better lives for all, too. We're making progress even when we take a temporary backward step, which I do more often than I want to admit.
Better, not bitter...I like that.
I love those little one-liners. At our Care Givers' Meetings we say - "Connect, don't correct"
Great Post Luise...and it just is so true. I have let go, however the grieving will last a lifetime, its a part of your heart which is broken and will never ever mend. We can always Hope an Pray, and then we must also know the difference between Hope and false Hope.
They always say their is nothing worse than a parent loosing a child, well we are going thru this except without the closure.
I, too, am prone to say how things will always be and then my son (our Webmaster) reminds me that I am discounting healing and miracles...(yet again.) Sending love...
Luise, I think your son (our Webmaster) is so wonderful and you are so lucky to have him. Do you think Luise, that he may have words of wisdom to share with us on this topic--being that he is a Son, would he happen to have any insight as to why sons do this????? Would Love to hear what he would have to say...HUGS
I will ask him but he's the proverbial one-armed-paper-hanger. Sending love...
Here's Kirk's Response:
Aloha, Faith, Mom, and Everyone Else ~~
Without knowing the history of a specific mother's relationship with their son or daughter, I can only generalize. That said, what I do know is if we don't continue to communicate, we cannot truly resolve problems. It often takes courage to express from the heart. We have to avoid the pitfalls of blaming and shaming ourselves and others. We must be willing to communicate -- to listen, to ask questions, to set aside the illusory certainty that we're right and others are wrong. Unless we can sit down and non-violently learn together -- learn about each other, especially core values and beliefs -- we can't strengthen our relationships and resolve our difficulties.
We have to somehow become willing to sit down and share. Countries can have the same challenges. Think of the problems the Israelis and Palestinians have finding mutual respect and peaceful coexistence. We have the same problems within ourselves. Think of inner aspects of our personalities who want to eat unhealthy food, contrasted with other parts who want to live a long, healthy life. Do I choose to eat that artery-clogging donut or a fresh, ripe, juicy apple?
Where to start? By moving from debate to dialogue, from being right (or hurt) to becoming curious, from being closed to opening up.
How? By finding shared values. It's always possible, whether within ourselves or between two countries in conflict, to discover shared values. Many peace treaties have been signed because both sides eventually found it intolerable to continue sending their best and brightest young people to early graves; the two countries discovering they shared the value of LIFE. The same principle can be applied to conflicts within families.
Upon shared values we can build trust, and forgiveness is usually a key ingredient. When we learn that hatred, bitterness, resentment, etc. actually poisons OUR own lives, we can release the attached emotions, from grief to rage, and find our way back to heartfelt forgiveness.
Sometimes we need a professional facilitator. Not a self-important therapist who chooses sides and becomes judge and jury, but a therapist or other skilled mediator trained in conflict resolution. The techniques are clearly defined and they work. Of course, everyone participating must be willing, and if everyone can somehow find a way to their hearts...to a place of love within...wonderful healing and reconnection becomes possible.
Upon shared values we can build trust, and forgiveness is usually a key ingredient. When we learn that hatred, bitterness, resentment, etc. actually poisons OUR own lives, we can release the attached emotions, from grief to rage, and find our way back to heartfelt forgiveness.
************************
Thank You Kirk for your valuable insight~~I especially liked your paragraph (above) regarding how we are indeed "poisioning our own life" with all of our attached emotions!!! Excellent thought for the day....
I vote that you input more often!!!! 8) After all a mans opinion is Welcomed on this site.....
Blessings and Hugs, Faith :)
Kirk designed this site and he is the Techie who keeps it up and running and updates our software. He's my son. 8)