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General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: mom2 on October 24, 2009, 04:40:49 PM

Title: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: mom2 on October 24, 2009, 04:40:49 PM
 I found this page that some of you may want to read; I really enjoyed it and it gave me a little bit of hope. Be sure you scroll to the top and read all the way down the column because , for some reason, it opens near the end of the story.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1193799/Im-madly-jealous-husbands-woman-MOTHER.html#comments
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: just2baccepted on October 26, 2009, 12:49:54 PM
As a DIL who has to deal w/ a MIL who competes w/ me, I found the beginning of that article a little disturbing.  The reason is I know that the author realized it was wrong for her to feel that way, but for it to actually go through her mind, (the DIL being thrown out into the cold while mother and son continued their close relationship w/out any interference).  So this article said to me that right from the beginning w/ some mothers their is a competition for the affections of the son. 

I asked my DH what he thought about this competition for his affections.  His response is that he's a grown man and he has no interest in refereeing a competition between his wife and mother.  He feels that he not capable or willing to fulfill the strong needs that his mother has.

I've said this a million times before but it true; when i first met his family I went into the marriage thinking I was gaining a family not that I had to compete for his affections.  I thought he and his mother would have a certain type of relationship and he and I would have a different relationship as well.  But my MIL apparently saw me as a threat the way this author did in this article, however she was able to get a grip in it.  My MIL has not been able and because of her not getting her needs met by her son, she struggles w/ depression, anger and because of me some of her glass/china has been thrown and broken in the back yard.  When I was told this about throwing things and breaking them, I was floored.  I thought wow I didn' realize the pain I was causing her.  So because of this vile behavior on her part we now have a very limited relationship with them.  I think its been a year and half since I've been to their house but we occasionally meet them for lunch and even that's unpleasant because FIL is pouting or making stupid comments about who should pay etc.

I hate to knock our own gender here, but I think sometimes women in general can be so caddy and competitive.  I never have trouble with the men I work with, always the women.  DH said the same thing, he hates working w/ women.  He said their more apt to yell at him and be a jerk.  I wonder if its our hormones?  Dang it! I just want us to get a long!  I want MIL to stop competing w/ me!  Sorry, I just get so mad about this sometimes.
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: just2baccepted on October 26, 2009, 05:06:19 PM
I don't compete w/ her, she's competes w/ me.  I never said that I compete with her.  You don't know my situation so please don't shout at me.   
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: mom2 on October 27, 2009, 06:29:05 PM
J2B,

It was just an article that was dealing with the situation we are all in ( not our specific ones). I can't understand why your MIL would want to compete with you but I know that does happen and with DIL's as well. Personally I think it rather perverse for a Mother and DIL to compete for a husband/ sons attention.  All I ever wanted was to be in a Mothers role because I too have a husband and get all the ' man ' attention I need.
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: just2baccepted on October 27, 2009, 06:43:19 PM
mom2 i totally understand and appreciate you being nice to me about what i said.  but i guess that article was an emotional trigger for me.  i'm not able to understand some of this quite yet, but thank you for being understanding of my strong emotional reaction to the article.
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: just2baccepted on October 28, 2009, 02:17:44 PM
Anna - thanks and no prob.

But I will say that I never felt competitive for my DH's affections for the first 10 years of our marriage.  But once I found out she was competitive with me I think I started feeling that territorial feeling.  I think she is not accepting of me and tries to alter my DH's thinking of me.  I can't figure out why else she would do and say some of the things she does.  I get paranoid everytime they talk on the phone because DH says that's when she throws those little jabs at me.  I like my life and love the nice relationship that DH and I have, so to think that some person is actually out there trying to sabotage it maybe does put me in battle or territorial mode.  That's just my thinking.
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 28, 2009, 05:34:18 PM
You didn't do anything wrong....I don't think you could shout if you tried!!

Same here with the giving of love.  I keep saying, "no more" but each time it still hurts.  I know she's a certified mutated freakoid without conscience who took a great guy and molded him into what she wanted.  It's a shame, a totally wasted life. 

We didn't raise him to become a robot, yet that's what he is.  I blame us, though.  He needed this control freak to balance his life somehow.  I go over this and over this but if you could have seen the precious, beautiful girls who absolutely adored him and loved us, it would make your hair stand on end!

I can't believe this.  He chose her?  He chose a woman who, midway into it, he broke it off with her saying, "I can't marry her."   (he had seen the way she stomps around and acts)

She worked on me by phone.  You would have thought she was the angel Michael, the way she was on the phone with me.  I asked him to please give her another chance.  He did.

My husband says periodically, "why did you do that?  You should have respected his wishes."

Yes, I know that now.  What an idiot I am.  What a sucker. Here I sit with a freak in my life....thanks a lot.
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: mom2 on October 28, 2009, 05:58:36 PM
Anna,

You bring up a good point there and something that had crossed my mind. Our dil was not from a close family either and her parents divorced. She seemed jealous of the love and closeness we had in our family and it was almost as if she set out to destroy that.





Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: just2baccepted on October 28, 2009, 07:24:19 PM
I think she may resent me because I do (did) have a good relationship with my son

Maybe you and Mom2 have hit on something there.  I could see feeling threatened by that.  But some act on that feeling instead of finding ways to cope with it.  For some its just easier to do that possibly.  Jealousy can make us act in awful ways at times.
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 28, 2009, 07:31:10 PM
Good relationships don't just fall apart though.  I mean strong relationships withstand the test of time and the test of interference because they are just that, strong.  I think for a good relationship to fall apart there has to be some crack in the foundation.  It might be something tiny and something they're unaware of but it's there.
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: AnnieB on October 28, 2009, 07:43:38 PM
I think when there is a marriage involved - and someone is in a situation of choosing between making a spouse happy (and keeping a marriage together with someone they love, with or without children) - and having to separate partially or completely from parents and family members, the latter is what will be sacrificed, even if the relationships were good.

Also, it isn't unusual, unfortunately, for a person with a controlling spouse (male or female) to give up family and friends.   

It is soothing and nice to think that all of the problems we face have logical explanations which with the right amount of effort and work can be figured out and corrected.   Some of us have given much effort to this -- with and without the help of counselors, therapists, ministers and others.   

Many of us have found within ourselves the errors we have made, have tried to correct them, have made apologies and done everything we can think of, but because these situations are not one-sided, still find ourselves here, seeking comfort from others who are in the same situation.

Everything cannot always be fixed in the way we want it to be, as fast as we want it to be.


Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: mom2 on October 28, 2009, 07:57:51 PM
AnnieB,

In regards to ' strong relationships don't just fall apart '

That is a very good post and well written.. you summed it up beautifully !
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 28, 2009, 08:18:58 PM
Srong relationships fall apart more often than weak ones.   Because they're so strong, some wives find it threatening and forces the issue.  When you're hounded day and night and forced to choose between a wife and your Mom and Dad, you choose your wife, you have to especially if you have kids. 

If the wife had an ounce of decency she wouldn't force such a thing. 
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: AnnieB on October 28, 2009, 08:30:51 PM
It isn't just a wife or a mother who is the one who tries to force someone to choose.   Though it does seem on this forum the issues involve the son and his wife and the son's mother.

Used to be the controlling spouse was most often the husband -- and the mother in law jokes and stereotypes used to focus on the mother of the bride's relationship to the son. 

Guess the times they are a changin'!
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 28, 2009, 08:38:18 PM
That must have been way before my time because I have never heard of a man who verbally expressed how he felt about his inlaws.  He might not like them but they never act like it or express it.

The wife can have her way with his family but he can't with hers. Anyway, times have changed for sure. 
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: AnnieB on October 28, 2009, 08:44:42 PM
Ah, well, in some ways, chickie, you've been lucky!   I have volunteered at shelters for abused women.    Abused verbally, emotionally or physically -- it is not uncommon at all in that setting for the husband to insist on cutting off the wife's relationship with her family.   
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 28, 2009, 08:46:44 PM
That is so true, thanks for reminding me, AnnieB.....that's the first torture that the men do.  Isolate from family.
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: just2baccepted on October 29, 2009, 09:09:49 AM
Quote from: Ihopeuknow on October 28, 2009, 07:31:10 PM
Good relationships don't just fall apart though.  I mean strong relationships withstand the test of time and the test of interference because they are just that, strong.  I think for a good relationship to fall apart there has to be some crack in the foundation.  It might be something tiny and something they're unaware of but it's there.

I see your point but in my lifetime I've seen women that I work with or family members get this jealous streak in them.  I think women have this competition thing in them. I read an article one time about how women act like primates when it comes to comparing themselves to each other.  I admit I have done the same thing.

Here's an example of a time when I know that a female employee was competing with me:  Her and I got along great and great conversations and laughed together etc.  When she first started working there, she's "looking" for a husband.  She starting dating this guy and he wasn't interested in marriage and that broke her heart, and then he dumped her.  Then she met this guy from a dating website and they've been dating for almost two years.  She has been putting the pressure on him to marry for some time but he's not ready, or maybe never will be ready.  Ok, now where I come in, I'm married, appear happy to her.  She's frustrated, wants to get married and I believe sees me as a reminder to her frustrations.  So all of sudden she starts being short with me and ignoring me.  My DH even was able to think that's why she turned on me.  Ok, so this went on for about 3 mos. and now she's back to her old self again.  Why?  Because she decided to give him an ultimatum and make a big change in her life by January.  Either he marries her or she's going to move to another state and become a teacher.  So the point is I guess she felt better about her situation and so therefore didn't feel irritated by me anymore, we talk and laugh again.

So my point is, women can be odd creatures and are VERY competitive with each other.

This is the same with MIL/DIL relationships as well I believe.  I never thought about my MIL being competitive with me because the  difference in age, but I did think that my SIL may have that problem because we're so close in age.  But I guess it goes on no matter what the age difference is.
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 29, 2009, 09:31:02 AM
J2b I'm with you on the concept that women are odd ducks and that we can behave strangely. But my comment on the Good and Strong relationships was in reference to the relationship between Mother and Son.  Not that it doesn't apply in other situations but I'm talking about deep bonds not casual friendships.
Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 29, 2009, 09:35:53 AM
Dear J2b,
I agree with you. Women can be horrible, there is no doubt about it.  Remember the Seinfeld episode when Elaine said what women did to other women instead of fist fighting like men?

She said, "we just torment them until they get an eating disorder"

I think she spoke a mouthful.  No one here knows me so I can tell you anything and you'd never know the truth about me.  But I have never, would never treat anyone badly.  I always ask my husband, "how can they do that?  I would never do that to anyone."

His response is: "most other people do, though". 

My DIL, for instance.... son is forbidden to wear cologne or any kind of after shave.  She is so jealous of other women that if you could see her react to a woman he sees who works with him, you'd be appauled.  He can't speak to the woman, even in a crowd of people.

Don't you think this is over the top?  I realize this is their life but boy, I don't get it.

J2b, your inlaws are missing out of a great person.  I can feel it through your posts.  You are kind and can understand, with compassion other people's feelings.  It's a shame.  I don't get that either.  I would adore you. 

I know that you are right on with this woman you work with. This is why she turned against you.  It's so sick and twisted. 

I always blame myself and wonder what I did wrong.  Not with DIL, though.  She's a mean woman who uses religion to pursue her goal of isolating son from everyone.  She particularly hates me.....son and I had such a wonderful Mom and son bond.  She found that threatening and I can see that now.  We had to go.

I hope this never happens to anyone else. I mean it.  It hurts more than you know. 

Title: Re: Realizing we were wrong
Post by: just2baccepted on October 29, 2009, 11:08:29 AM
Thanks, I try to avoid conflict because I want people to like me, which really hinders a person at times.  Its sometimes a deep wound for me when someone doesn't like me, even though I know that you cant' make everyone like you, including our IL's.  Life can be hard so that's why I try to concentrate on the good things on my life.  Its hard to do when I'm surrounded by negative people though.  My mom and DH are both negative and always see  the negative in a situation first.  I just don't want to be like that.  I've seen some real bitter old people in my family.  Oh boy, I don't know why I got off on that.