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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: grama2four on October 10, 2011, 09:43:25 AM

Title: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: grama2four on October 10, 2011, 09:43:25 AM
Hello Everyone,

I am new here so this is my first post. I am here because of the problems FB has currently posed between my DIL and my self.  I am now trying to figure out how to apologize.

My DIL mother of three of my grandchildren has been posting  her  parties and phone #  inviting all to join. She then posts drunk photos of herself that are extremely inappropriate and trashy.



She also posted a picture of a porn channel with a comment that said "my son is a pervert" every time he gets the remote he goes to this channel. I was outraged when I saw this as  my grandson was 18 months old ( turns two in Dec) and she's calling him a pervert.

I kept quiet with no comments but couldn't take it any more  but she continually keeps posting inappropriate stuff. so I wrote her a private message on FB a month ago.

I told her that I loved her and have always been proud of the mom that she is to my grandkids but that lately I have been concerned with the things she's posting on FB. This is  new behavior for her she  was very responsible  and a very Good Mom.  It's like we don't know who she is anymore.

I told her that the post about my grandson was inappropriate and that it reflected adult behavior and had no place on FB. I also urged her and my son to be responsible role models for the kids. I said what if they see this stuff ( she opened a FB acct for my 8 yr old Grandtr) . I also asked that if your going to drink and have parties please don't do it around the kids.

Well her response was that of outrage and cussing. She told me it was none of my business and that just because she was an adult doesn't mean she can't have fun. She said I take care of my children and besides they are always in bed when we party. I know her and my son are adults and as much as I want to protect my grandkids from certain things I can't.

An odd twist is now my youngest son won't talk to me ( my DIL is married to my oldest son) because she told him about the letter I wrote and he also goes to the parties.

I now find myself in a position to make things right. I only commented on what was posted on FB. in my opinion once you post your business on face book it then becomes everyone's business and posts are made in hopes to receive comments. Well I have learned a valuable lesson Pray more Comment less.  I am just struggling with how to approach my apology. 

Sorry this is so long

grama2four
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: sesamejane on October 10, 2011, 11:13:47 AM
Well, I don't know grama2four...it sounds as if these folks don't have a clue...

I have to say that I have commented to my children when they have posted something inappropriate.  My comments have been along the line of how damaging it could be to them; "folks might get the wrong idea"sort of thing.  My comments were quite brief and private; maybe two lines.  I have also said that I might have to 'defriend' them because of the embarrassment I felt.  They responded positively in the sense that I haven't seen anything since then.  But like I said, I kept it very very brief and emphasizing concern for them.

I also have to say that I would be alarmed too that a grown women is publicly announcing her small child has access to significant pornography.  Hmmm.... aren't there laws about that?  Having worked in a facility that housed young men who had committed sex crimes I can say that in most cases they were incarcerated as a result of 'misinformed' behavior.  They had access to pornography at young ages and did not understand the boundaries, rules, laws and did something stupid.  So, yes, it is a worry.  BTW, one of those young boys contacted me recently, and he completely turned his life around.  I knew him when he was 15, and he is now 30.  He is married with a child, works hard, and has nothing to do with his foo.  He's a wonderful young man. 

Unfortunately, you can't do anything about controlling dil or ys.  This will come back to bite them on the behind one way or the other.  Let's pray sooner rather than later!!  I don't think you owe anyone an apology. But that's just me.  I think these "adults" needed a reality check!!

But keep reading; there are wonderful and wise women on this site.   Welcome!  You are not alone.... :-*
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Pooh on October 10, 2011, 11:17:55 AM
Welcome grma2four.  I split your post and gave it it's own topic.  First - Please read the two posts under Open Me First. One is the Forum Agreement which has to be a fit for this to work...and the other is How This Happened...our history. Nothing wrong with your post, just something we ask all new members to do.  Thanks.

I totally understand your concern.  We hate to see our AC making bad decisions and we worry about the affect on the GC.  Partying while your children are in bed is no better than when they are awake.  If one of them woke up with a medical emergency, who would take care of them?  What if they just woke up and came walking in to see inappropriate behavior?  Posting that your 18 month old is a pervert, even if it was meant to be funny....well, IMO...I see nothing funny about that either.  So all your concerns are very valid.

The downside, which you are already aware of is that it is her page and she is an adult.  Unless you have actual proof they are mistreating the GC, there really isn't anything you can do about it.  She can say or post whatever she wants.   

What about your OS?  What did he have to say about it?
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Pooh on October 10, 2011, 11:24:34 AM
Also, if you have porn channels on your television, I don't know of any of them that doesn't have a parental locking system to keep that from happening.  I'm all about kids will be kids and get into all kinds of mischief.  More than likely, he has played with the remote and hit that channel and she has come running with squeals and now he finds it funny to do it every time.  Kids are smart.  It probably started out very innocently and is now a game.

I also have now read Jane's post and I agree....I don't think I would apologize either.  I think you were doing what any concerned GP would do. 
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: grama2four on October 10, 2011, 12:32:11 PM
Thank you Jane and Pooh for responding to my post so quickly.

I don't feel sorry for what I said in the letter I wrote to dil as it was written with concern and not at all done in an angry or ugly way. I did let her know I was very concerned as of late. I also don't feel I delved into her private business as accused  because she posted it and didn't hide it from me.

After I sent her the letter she posted again on FB why can't people mind their own blankety business.  She has never been the warm and fuzzy type but we've always gotten along and have been cordial to one another. She let's me take my grandkids for a week or more at a time . My oldest son her husband hasn't said anything about this. I have spoke with him since I've written the letter and neither of us has spoke of it.  He doesn't say or do anything that may upset her. he is not on FB.

My oldest son is like me I guess as I don't normally say anything to anyone. i figure it's their life but, my gc are my world and i am concerned. my childrens father and i never drank and they weren't exposed to much alcohol anywhere. I feel disappointed in my son for allowing this. I wish he'd be more responsible.

Yes I am very concerned that the children may wake to see something inappropriate I would feel better if they were with a sitter.  I am more pressed to apologize for three reasons # 1 I simply don't like disord in the family and don't like any one to be mad at me as I like peace. # 2 Fear of not seeing my gc ( we are currently out of state while this mess is going on) #3 I hope an apology will bring my youngest son back around.

my sister also feels as grama, mom and mil I had a right to say something...I am so wracked with guilt for causing a problem. my DH feels she responded outrageously because it was her defense mechanism to justify her actions. I was simply voicing my opinions and views on what she posted.

I have a letter ready to send with an apology....hmmmm what to do
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Doe on October 10, 2011, 12:59:53 PM
Hey Grama-

You are wondering what to say?  I suggest you say - "I apologize for hammering you about your FB posting!  I realize your life is yours and I think the best thing is for us to 'unfriend' each other.   If I keep reading your posts, I'm going to freak out even more.  Hope we can still be friends in real life."

What she's doing is so gross but you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors and frankly, I don't want to know, sometimes!  If you feel the kids are in danger you can call Social Services, but that would be so extreme - I hope it doesn't come to that.  If you can stay friendly with her away from the Internet, you can maybe keep an eye on the kids.

Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: grama2four on October 10, 2011, 01:08:05 PM
Doe you made laugh which i needed. that was really good.  Thank you
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Pooh on October 10, 2011, 01:11:35 PM
I would say the answer lies within you.  If you think they are just making bad parenting decisions or parenting decisions different than what you would chose, then send your apology.  If you think they are truly putting the children in danger, then I wouldn't apologize.  I personally would feel more guilty about not speaking up if I thought my GC were in true danger than if I did.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Doe on October 10, 2011, 01:36:04 PM
You're welcome for the laugh - but I did mean it!  I little levity may disarm her and not seeing the running commentary of her life may be better for you.    My parents would not have been able to look me in the eye if they knew some of the stuff I did - not when I had kids, but before.  Some things, I think it's better to not know.

Unless, you really think the kids are in danger.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: tryingmybest on October 10, 2011, 01:42:27 PM
What I don't get is WHEN did we lose our rights to express legitimate opinions! geez Louise...I'm sorry I don't think you have anything to be sorry for. I would say something like "I'm sorry you got upset" , and iit would be better if we unfriended each other to prevent any future misunderstandings. then let her apologize to you gor her totally inappropriate reaction.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: tryingmybest on October 10, 2011, 01:51:32 PM
Don't want to hammer your DIL, but what she posts could affect her ability to get a job, or her husbands job prospects. you ask any lawyer or human resource director everyone checks out facebook postings when making hiring decisions or in legal proceedings. If someone leaves one of their parties, hammered and gets into a wreck and kills themselves or someone else, those FB posts can be used to show a pattern of negligent behavior that could leave both of them on the hook for massive legal judgements. You are looking out for their well being As well as the welfare of your grandchild, and you communicated your concern in a private respectful way and if your DIL can't appreciate it she is a full bulbs short of a full garlic clove.  :o
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Doe on October 10, 2011, 01:52:27 PM
"I sorry you got upset" is a dig, though.    The person saying it usually isn't sorry at all that the person got upset.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: tryingmybest on October 10, 2011, 02:10:22 PM
Oh I'm  aware of that, but actually I'm sure she is sorry her DIL got upset and went off the way she did. No one wants to have that level of family controversy. I just think there are times you have to say what needs to be said, and if people get angry that's their choice. I guess this hit a sore spot for me. Two years into the MIL role I'm noticing that I am just swallowing legitimate opinions in fear of alienating the DIL. Now this has nothing to do with their marriage it has to do with demands and expectations being made of ME!  she is not the boss of me nut she sure as heck thinks she should be! >:(
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: lancaster lady on October 10, 2011, 02:26:00 PM
Grama :

Something you said jumped right out at me ..''My son is not on FB ''  !!
Perhaps he has no idea what she is writing , don't you think you should put him in the picture ?
He might be horrified at what she's printing .
Do not send that letter , if you do , you are giving her free gratis to continue .
Maybe this should be stopped now before something serious happens , and yes I think you should discuss it with him .
About time he joined the party !
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Doe on October 10, 2011, 02:39:52 PM
I thought the son was a party guy, too.

Hey, the DIL sounds pretty crass to me, but it's her prerogative to post whatever she wants on her FB page.  Grama should unfriend her is it's offensive, I think. 

I think the issue is whether the kids are actually in danger or not.  Kids around the world are raised in so many different ways and make it to adulthood.  A MIL can't dictate that the GKs are raised a certain way, imo.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: pam1 on October 10, 2011, 03:00:24 PM
I dunno, I can party with the best of them and not have one sip of alcohol lol.  I'm a fairly stable parent and we have parties all the time when the kiddos are asleep, usually the kids have a sleepover and the adults kick back.  In my world, partying doesn't automatically equal falling down, belligerent drinking.  And yes, there is probably some pix on my friends facebook pages with me being silly holding a beer in my hand.  It still doesn't mean I'm drunk or otherwise incapable of taking care of the kiddos if there was an emergency.  And the same goes for my friends (otherwise they wouldn't be one lol.)

About the joke, it's a little crass....but am I the only who thought it was funny?  I'd laugh over that, nothing she said or described indicates anything other than a humorous take on an awkward issue happening in their home. 

So, my point being, I think unless you know for sure those kids were in danger (and at the point bringing in authorities would be the best bet) that your reaction was way over the top.  Like a PP said, there are many different ways of parenting and kids grow up fine.  Now abuse?  Not cool but nothing even remotely indicates that in what you posted. 

IMO, it would be best to apologize.

tryingmybest, I don't think we ever lost the right to express our opinion.  But like everything else in life our actions have consequences.  I can voice my negative opinion all day to someone but can't make them sit there and listen to it or make them be my friend afterward.  Thats why IMO, it's very important to take with our words.  Don't assume or jump to conclusions.  Somethings are way better left unsaid and you can't unring a bell etc.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Ruth on October 10, 2011, 03:28:18 PM
Gramma you've done nothing wrong, feeling badly and getting shoved against the wall does not necessarily mean you've done a bad thing.  Since there are grandchildren involved, I think if I were in your place I'd just let it all blow over and do nothing else.  It will probably backfire if you take it over her head, i.e. to your son.  The main thing is to not sever yourself from your grandchildren because it may come about that they will need you, so I'd just observe and keep silent for a time.  that's just my opinion.  Try and soothe yourself and don't take this to heart, you did a noble thing but it was not received in a fruitful way.  Something's going on there, if this dil's behavior is changing, I have noticed with my DD over the years that sometimes she will connect with a new 'best friend' and it can get crazy for a while, until she comes to her senses and the storm passes.  sending you caring thoughts.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Begonia on October 10, 2011, 04:21:17 PM
Grama:  I admire you for speaking up about this.  I would not apologize for bad behavior on the part of your DIL--that seems as if you would be making an apology for being a caring grandmother.  True, what our DS and DD do is their business, but FB is PUBLIC.  If they did not want you to see things, they should hide their posts from you.  And, I do believe more and more that FB does huge damage to family and friend relationships. 

I feel the same as you about FB and what's appropriate.  And an 8 yr old has no business on FB IMO.  And the stuff about the little guy is totally off base I think.  I probably would look at it as exploitative. 

I was VERY worried about my GD when her mom (my DD) let her have a FB account when she was 9.  I looked at a few of her photos and then hid her posts.  Likewise with my DD, who posts inappropriate stuff and links to trashy things.  I am on FB less and less.

Having said all that I think it's up to you to stop looking at any of your DIL posts (do the hide thing).  It can drive a person crazy.  And like someone else said, it can blow way out of proportion in our minds.  There is a generational language and if you look at the popularity of Family Guy and many of the shows that show one rape after another, then these FB photos are very tame.  It is not a language that we are thinking appropriate for our GC, yet they are exposed to this stuff a thousand times a day. 

It's kind of like when our kids went to a high school dance and we suspected  they had been drinking but had no proof.  FB puts it in your face and that is what is so wrong about it.  On the other hand, I really enjoy seeing photos of family reunions, etc.

Probably the reason your DIL got so mad is that she knows you are right and she is embarrassed that her bad behavior is there for you and others to see.  I still think it's good you called her on it.  Let her simmer down, she will come around.  Don't set up her being in control of you....you can see dozens of posts here where we struggle to get out from that.  Keep posting!!
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Pen on October 10, 2011, 04:42:41 PM
Quote from: tryingmybest on October 10, 2011, 01:51:32 PM
...what she posts could affect her ability to get a job, or her husbands job prospects. you ask any lawyer or human resource director everyone checks out facebook postings when making hiring decisions or in legal proceedings. If someone leaves one of their parties, hammered and gets into a wreck and kills themselves or someone else, those FB posts can be used to show a pattern of negligent behavior that could leave both of them on the hook for massive legal judgements. You are looking out for their well being As well as the welfare of your grandchild, and you communicated your concern in a private respectful way....

Good points, TMB.

Welcome, Grama24. Glad you're here, sorry you are dealing with this stuff :(
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: grama2four on October 10, 2011, 05:07:58 PM
Yes my son is partying too. I haven't complained to him about her posting and calling my GS a pervert because I felt like I'd be a tattle tale and also because my DIL's sisters made comments " like father like son." I just don't know what she's thinking posting this stuff.

In regards to the photos it wasn't IMO a proper silly or funny drunk photo appropriate for face book...which is why i commented.

under her photo she stated    " It must have been a good night , i woke up and found this on my phone"  it was a photo of her with an adult toy in her mouth. That belongs in the bedroom. She is friends with my 8 yr old GD who may see that stuff. In fact I found out that it should be reported to Fb if there is a child  on there under 13 and if they can prove it they will delete their acct.

If I get kicked off of here for the photo description on  this post please know ..You are all so helpful and I appreciate your input. I was so  feeling guilty about all this. My DH says that I feel guilty about everything. I'm trying to do better. I refrained from mailing the letter today. Thanks again all of you
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: pam1 on October 10, 2011, 05:16:05 PM
grama2four, don't worry about being kicked off, while graphic you also worded it sensitively.  I'll check with the other mods to see what they think, if inappropriate, we will just modify it.

And now with your clarification, I will say you're totally correct.  Very inappropriate indeed.  Insanely inappropriate.  But is it proof of anything?  I don't know, maybe they have designated parent night where one doesn't drink.  Who knows, but definitely you did the right thing with your concerns and have reason to monitor the situation.

Is her fb private?  Or can anyone see it?  I ask b/c while I'm not sure what, if anything, an authority might do if you reported your concerns (I'm afraid that is your only recourse since DS seems to be ok with it) and you do not have access to this stuff.  And if the situation is escalating it would be helpful if you could monitor.  Perhaps you can take some screen shots but I'm totally out of my element with advice on this techno stuff.



Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: tryingmybest on October 10, 2011, 05:43:33 PM
With the current changes in Face Book, you have to get privacy settings just right, or else what ever is posted goes to friends and THEIR friends. Anyone can copy a picture off FB and do whatever they want with it. it can be so dangerous. The picture sounds really awful, and you did what you could do. I would not apologize, but I would may- be write an email to your son snd tell him you wrote the letter to you DIL, out of concern, say you are sorry she got upset, but you did it out of love and concern for them, you recognize they will make their own choices, and they will live with the consequences and you won't speak of it again. Then step back and don't contact them for awhile. If you DIL is gearing up to punish you for you audacity in calling her on her idiotic behavior, it'll really make an impact if  you don't show up for the abuse.

Title: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: sesamejane on October 10, 2011, 08:19:58 PM
imho:

Nothing to apologize for when you speak your truth and with love, then let it go.  I agree with Pooh in that I would feel terrible if something happened and I had never opened my mouth. 

Just thinking: I wonder if dil and ds are having some difficulties because it sounds like they are running as fast as they can away from responsible parenting.  Maybe their relationship is in trouble too.  I might copy and paste the offensive posts and put them wiht the letter in a file - just in case things get sticky or accusations are made that are not true. 

I suppose I would go on with my life and leave the door open for reconciliation.  Speak kindly and respectfully, continue to love - be a good role model.  If she speaks with anger, maybe I would say, "I felt I had to say something because I care about you and your family.  Enough said; you know how I feel, and I know how you feel. Let's leave it at that; agree to disagree."
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: lancaster lady on October 11, 2011, 12:03:35 AM
The reason I raised showing your DS the FB posting is although he is at these parties he might not want the world to see their goings on . He might have no idea what she is posting .How would he feel if his colleagues saw.his wife in an uncompromising situation, or his boss ! These FB postings have far reaching affects resulting as sackings in this country. As for the little guy seeing.his mom like that .....?   Sure she can do what she wants in the privacy of her.home , but keep it private ..  ......This forum enables us to voice our opinions , but.at the end of the day , that's what they are opinions .We all differ . However it's your family and if it makes you uncomfortable what you're seeing you can hide the posts and say nothing or voice your concern to your DS . I think you were right ...... in my opinion .
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Pooh on October 11, 2011, 05:34:16 AM
I started reading and was going to say pretty much the same thing Pam said this morning.  After my DC reached about the age of 10, we would have our friends over to play cards about once a month.  All the kids would go off to the bedrooms or living room and play video games, movies or whatever while the adults played cards in the dining room.  Yes, there was beer and alcoholic drinks around, but no one was getting drunk and there was usually two of us not drinking at all.  I am not a big drinker and never was.  I never drank around my kids at all but it didn't bother me for them to see someone having a beer.  I am also guilty of posting some pics on FB where there is a drink in a pic.  I just posted my cruise pics this month and purposefully took pics of my pretty drinks.  I don't care if people know I have an occasional drink, but all the pics are tasteful in appearance.

But after reading this morning what the picture was and said, and knowing your 8 yro GD is on her Mother's page, I am just going to say that I wouldn't apologize one whit!  Oh my gosh!  Yes, everyone can chose their own parenting style and do things their way, but there is no excuse for exposing an 8 yro to a pic of their Mother like that.  IMO, if she wants to post pics like that of herself for her friends, coworkers, etc. to see, that is very bad taste, but ok, her choice.  But knowing her child is on there?  No excuse.

I wouldn't apologize and just leave it alone right now, saying nothing more and see what happens between you. 
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Doe on October 11, 2011, 07:19:02 AM
I think that speaking to the DIL is pretty useless, being the crass person that she is. 

But,Grama, if you feel the child is in danger, you should go full bore.  Call social services and see what they recommend.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Scoop on October 11, 2011, 07:28:20 AM
But Gramma, you criticized her parenting, how did you think she would react?  It doesn't matter how nicely I say it, but if I tell someone they suck as a parent, they won't be happy about it.

The thing is, you don't know if she blocked that picture from her 8 y/o (you can do that).  Does the 8 y/o actually USE the account?  Because often people will make multiple profiles, so they can play some of the games (I'm looking at you Farmville).

I agree that maybe you should tell her that it would likely be best for you to NOT be friends on FB, but that you hope you can remain so IRL (in real life).
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Pooh on October 11, 2011, 09:39:41 AM
I cautioned my YS when he joined the Military about his FB page and things he wrote or posted.  It could reflect on his Military career if he posted pics of him out drinking with his buds or innappropriate things.  I guess he could have considered that criticism and got mad at me, cussing at me and telling me it was none of my business.  Instead, he chose to listen and understand I was trying to help him.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Shelby on October 11, 2011, 04:00:51 PM
Quote from: Scoop on October 11, 2011, 07:28:20 AM
But Gramma, you criticized her parenting, how did you think she would react?  It doesn't matter how nicely I say it, but if I tell someone they suck as a parent, they won't be happy about it.


Scoop - Gramma only reacted to what DIL put in the public arena.  Anything on the internet is like a billboard on an interstate highway.  Gramma was not being nosy or intrusive.  She didn't go to DIL's house and find these pic in a drawer while she was babysitting.  The DIL put them on the blooming internet for crying out loud.  Gramma is entitled to say or do whatever she wants when DIL shoves it in her face like that.  And knowing your MIL is your FB friend, when you put something like that on FB, you are shoving it in MIL's face. 

Gramma - No apologies.  Stick to your guns.  You may be the only stable figure for the children.  You didn't ASK to see these pics.  They are very very public.  If DIL doesn't want comments, she shouldn't put pics like that on the internet.  I would not unfriend her, though.  If there are concerns about children's safety, your access to her FB postings could be valuable insight as to whether children's protective services should be contacted. 

Quote from: Doe on October 11, 2011, 07:19:02 AM
I think that speaking to the DIL is pretty useless, being the crass person that she is. 

But,Grama, if you feel the child is in danger, you should go full bore.  Call social services and see what they recommend.

Doe - as usual, you are right on target. 

Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Begonia on October 11, 2011, 04:13:25 PM
Just my humble opinion, but I would completely discourage you from social services in any regard until you know if this is a HUGE issue and relates to child safety.  Even then, the less government in my house the better.  I have yet to see good outcomes when SS is involved.  Hold back and let the smoke settle and hopefully you calling attention to this behavior will stop it.  Grammas are good at that and often our family listens to us, even if they won't admit it.  This is why we are called Wise Women!  Stay strong!
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Scoop on October 12, 2011, 05:30:46 AM
First off, FB is NOT necessarily a public forum.  If I searched for Grama's DIL, I would be shocked if I could see any of her information.  Most people know how to set the privacy on their pages.

Also, she can set the privacy for each individual message, so she may have set it so that any young ones couldn't see that one in particular.  The thing is, there's no way that Grama could know what the privacy settings were (I think).

FB pages are sort of like this site, you take some, you leave the rest.  I have a niece and nephew (teens) as friends on FB and I make an effort to NOT comment on their walls.  I'm just there to be "in the loop", not to judge them, or to "parent" them.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Shelby on October 12, 2011, 06:21:34 AM
Scoop - I totally disagree that facebook is not a public forum.  Treating FM as private assumes a huge risk on the part of the poster.  Many a former employee wishes he/she had not posted what he/she did on FB, only to have it come to the attention of his/her employer, who promptly fired him/her.  Many a former spouse wishes he/she had not made certain posts, especially when the other spouse's divorce attorney uses those posts and pics as evidence in the custody hearing, in establishing whether the first spouse is a fit parent or not. 

It is extremely naive to think that anything on FB or elsewhere on the internet is private.  It not only is not private, but it is also potentially viral.  So everyone should think hard before they put anything on the internet.

Additionally, DIL had *friended* MIL on FB.  Therefore, even though you or I might not be able to see any of DIL's information, MIL was privy to all of it.  INVITED to see all of it, by virtue of her friend status.  Once MIL is accepted as DIL's friend, anything on DIL's FB is the same as public.  DIL shouldn't put anything on there she wouldn't want discussed at the Thanksgiving dinner table by anyone and everyone.   If DIL wants it private, she has to keep it private, and not shove it in MIL's face. 
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: RedRose on October 12, 2011, 06:32:14 AM
Facebook is what brought about the truth about my ex-DIL.
She would correspond with her lover on it. She never blocked me or maybe she thought I would never have a facebook account...we were not friends on it...,but, I saw it all. I brought it to my daughters attention and together we told my son about it.The proof of her cheating on him started with facebook. He has had an account ever since.

I wouldn't apologise. You showed concern for your grandchildren...even if she considered it interfering with parenting. You formed and opinion by what you saw and I am sure others formed that same opinion. IMO...You brought it to her attention because you love your grandchildren and they deserve better.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: grama2four on October 12, 2011, 01:43:03 PM
So glad i am still with all of you...I just didn't know of any other way to truly describe the photo.

Strange that the relationship issue came up. Yes they are having problems lots and some of it could be the reason but I will refrain from explaining it as it may take us off subject.  maybe she needs attention. She does allow my GD on Fb however, I am not sure how often.

In the beginning her Fb posts were nothing like now.  I have lost alot of respect for her because of her conduct on Fb I feel she is being irresponsible as an adult and mother .  my DH has mentioned more than once that he's seen a change in her. And someone mentioned Fb being like a billboard that is so correct. IMO if ya don't want others posting comments about your posts  that don't agree with ya,  Then stop making it available for all to see. Not everyone is gonna agree.

someone else mentioned if this was just because I didn't raise my kids this way. To answer honestly  they are raising my GC  completely opposite of the way I raised mine but I can't control that. The Fb issue was as someone mentioned put in my face  I was embarrassed and the otherwise  mind her own business grama went  into protection mode for my GC and finally spoke out.

my ex-MIL and I were so close and I always looked up to her  and when she gave advice sometimes I liked it sometimes I didn't but I always had respect for her.  we remain friends today.

I don't feel this warrants SS and not sure a photo like this would give them cause to investigate.  we will be back in Az in Nov  ( I am gonna re-read and re-read all of your posts)hopefully I can figure out how to properly resolve this before returning home.. I have never been one to jump into anything. It took a long time of reading her posts before I said anything too . maybe that was wrong of me.




Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Pen on October 12, 2011, 08:47:17 PM
I thought you did a good job w/your description, Grama. Now if I could only get it out of my brain, lol.

It's hard to watch a train wreck, especially when it involves those you love dearly. Best wishes to all, & keep posting and reading.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: alohomora on October 13, 2011, 05:59:43 AM
As a DIL, I wouldn't friend my MIL on FB. Period. And if she asked why not I would tell her point blank - you probably wouldn't like what you see.

DH and I are  very responsible and successful adults. Who have a good time in our free time and I show it on FB. I am  very careful with my privacy and only friend people who I am close to.

However, those are my choices. Likewise, your DIL can choose how to deal with FB. If you don't like it, you can unfriend her, or to avoid drama, block yourself from getting her updates and ignore her page.

Once my MIL looked at my FB and made a comment to me about something she didn't like - she went through my BIL's page. I told her what I put on there was my business and that was the end of the conversation. I deleted BIL from my friends and when we both had time I spoke to him about why I did that. He apologized and explained that MIL went on when he wasn't home. I re-friended him with the understanding that if he let MIL sneak onto his account again I'd have to unfriend him again.

I think when relationships are how they are - not great - you have to ask yourself, is this comment I'm about to make so important that its worth destroying our relationship? Is it SO important that you 'have your say!!' that it is worth a potential cut off? This is just the reality for a lot of the IL's on this site. Is it worth it?
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: alohomora on October 13, 2011, 06:04:15 AM
AND I cut myself off!  :D

My two cents on your situation, OP, would be something like this:

DIL - I want to apologize for my comments. While not an excuse, I recognize we come from different generations and that perhaps It's best to avoid a friendship on FB in order to keep the peace. I  think you're a great mother and I will support you always.

Short - sweet - something along those lines maybe. Just a thought.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Shelby on October 13, 2011, 07:12:37 AM
aloho -
Unlike your MIL, grama2four did not sneak onto her DIL's FB page.  The fact that your MIL accessed your FB page through your BIL's page proves the point that FB is not really private.  Your MIL may owe you an apology.  Grama2four owes no apology. 
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Doe on October 13, 2011, 08:27:18 AM
Well, I still think that if the kids aren't in danger, then Grama should leave it alone.  I doubt she is going to bring about any changes by berating the DIL about FB behavior.  It'll still be going on but Grama won't know about it.

The apology could be useful as a social device rather than a moral stance.  Apologizing may keep this shredded relationship somewhat intact so that there could be some future communication.  You don't have to apologize for worrying about the kids, just for hammering her about FB content (which is her right within the FB guidelines).

If it hasn't already happened, Grama, I would unfriend her ASAP so you won't subject yourself to things that you can't tolerate.  Email her and let her know that FB was just too much for you.  Let her think you're just old fashioned.  If you give her this trump card you have a better chance of staying in the family game if that's what you want.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Pooh on October 13, 2011, 11:50:21 AM
Quote from: alohomora on October 13, 2011, 05:59:43 AM
Is it SO important that you 'have your say!!' that it is worth a potential cut off? This is just the reality for a lot of the IL's on this site. Is it worth it?

Every person here has unique situations and there is a major difference between someone that wants "the last word" or "has their say" versus DILs and MILs alike, that are on this site, that are trying to communicate and hold conversations.  We will not generalize.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Pen on October 15, 2011, 12:58:36 PM
Quote from: alohomora on October 13, 2011, 05:59:43 AM
I think when relationships are how they are - not great - you have to ask yourself, is this comment I'm about to make so important that its worth destroying our relationship? Is it SO important that you 'have your say!!' that it is worth a potential cut off? This is just the reality for a lot of the IL's on this site. Is it worth it?

By George, I think I've got it! It's all about who's got the most to lose.

DIL felt free to say the rude, critical things she said & did ("having her say") because she didn't care if she destroyed our "relationship." I put up with the rude, critical things she said & did (not speaking up about it) because I did not want to be cut off from DS. D-oh! I obviously had the most to lose, and she used it to her advantage....until DS stepped up and put a stop to it by letting her and the ILs know we were in his life forever.

I will not play that game in the future, allowing myself to be blackmailed by my love for DS. When the GC arrive I'm sure this issue will be raised again, and I will be much better prepared and much wiser. I hope.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: lancaster lady on October 15, 2011, 01:13:12 PM
They also dole it out because they know they have the winning hand, and we have too much to lose .It's not worth degrading ourselves to catch the crumbs we are thrown . Stand proud , why should we grovel for every little hello . We are worth more than that .
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: tryingmybest on October 16, 2011, 04:53:03 AM
BINGO! And that's then name of "the rock and the hard place" we are all squashed into. And some times I think some DIL's really love to make MIL's angry so they can shrink back and cry about how awful their monster mother in laws are, and there goes the relationship which they want to cut off to begin with. Sometimes it's a set up ladies.  :o

When DS is confronted with an angry mother, and "his poor wife" -  mom goes out the window, and there goes the relationship. We get angry at our sons for completely ignoring what's going on, and DIL gets what she wants MIL and FIL out of the picture. :-[

That's why I think it's key for the first couple of years anyway, to have no expectations at all, let everything be on the couple's terms and retire gracefully into the background. Lovingly detach, mourn the loss of your former relationship with your son, because believe me it's gone. and concentrate on YOU. My aim is anyway when the dust settles with the newly weds my son and I and hopefully my DIL can create a new relationship . Hope springs eternal anyway because right now the girl is driving me nuts!
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: lancaster lady on October 16, 2011, 11:09:52 AM
It's hard to get the right balance for a relationship ...
Showing we care without becoming overbearing , also being laid back and showing we care !
Darned if we do and darned if we don't .
Perhaps its better to act with what we are comfortable with and let them get on with it , 'cos whatever we
do or don't do it will be wrong !
I think you're right Trying:  to back off until they are ready to share , however my DS and DIL have been together
for five years and I'm still getting it wrong !
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: tryingmybest on October 16, 2011, 03:17:12 PM
I'm just hoping the approach works, who the heck knows? life has sure gotten more complicated.





Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: grama2four on November 01, 2011, 02:06:57 PM
Hello everyone,

I have good news
after much prayer I let things go as most of you recommended and did not mail the letter. a week ago I received a text msg from DiL letting me know my granddtr got on the honor roll at school...Then today I received another text msg from her apologizing to me for  how she responded to my letter. yippee it all worked out.

Thank you to all of you
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Doe on November 01, 2011, 02:13:30 PM
Yay!  What good news!  Thanks for coming back and sharing!
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: pam1 on November 01, 2011, 04:19:03 PM
Awesome grama2four :)  Doing the happy dance for you :)
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Pen on November 01, 2011, 09:23:53 PM
That's wonderful, Grama2four :) Thank you for letting us know. GFY, and GFDIL!
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: Pooh on November 02, 2011, 05:40:54 AM
That's awesome!  I'm very proud of you and DIL.
Title: Re: FB troubles with DIL
Post by: lancaster lady on November 02, 2011, 08:45:31 AM
When things were bad between my DIL and I , I stopped all communication and let things rest .
Then I began to receive invitations to visit , so loving detachment worked for me . :)